


Mind Over Matter

by puddleofgoo



Series: A Life Less Ordinary [14]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: BDSM, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 05:54:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 190,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4293252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puddleofgoo/pseuds/puddleofgoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an off world encounter goes bad - again - John Sheppard is forced to confront his own demons. Meanwhile, Rodney McKay is dealing with his own personal crisis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is fourteenth in the "A Life Less Ordinary" series and is set following the events A Life Less Ordinary 13 and following SGA 2x04: Duet. 
> 
> The series title is taken from the Carbon Leaf song "Life Less Ordinary".
> 
> Much thanks must go to my betas, Chaps and DJaddict. If you find any mistakes it's because I didn't listen to them.

Doctor Rodney McKay stepped out of the wormhole onto yet another planet, his hand scanner already out and canvassing the area while his team—weapons drawn—patrolled. It was like any other alien planet—slightly off-color, smelly in a way that Rodney had yet to figure out, and covered in foliage.

He groaned as he tapped on the touchscreen of his scanner. What the hell was that blip?

Colonel John Sheppard glanced over. "Something wrong?"

"Someone on the science staff is going to get him or herself a new asshole when we get home," he grumbled, flicking through a few menus before he came to the one he needed.

"Because they told us there was something here and there's not, or they said there was nothing here and there is?"

Rodney huffed and turned the scanner to flash the screen at John. "Do you see these readings? Whoever checked the MALP readings needs their eyes examined. This clearly is detecting a power source. The MALP data report I saw did not make any mention of this. This is one of the energy signatures I tell them to scan for, too."

John grinned at him, the kind of smile that Rodney was powerless not to grin back at, no matter what mood he was in. "So let's go find ourselves a new power source, and then you can both reprimand and gloat at the same time."

"But why didn't it show up before?" he groused. He hated not getting complete reports.

"Dunno. Maybe it was buried and there was a massive storm and a landslide that revealed the secret cave after thousands of years of being lost."

"What, in the last ten hours? Come on." He gestured to the sky. "There's not a cloud in sight."

John grinned again and bounced on his feet. "You never know. Stranger things have happened." He glanced over at their other teammates, Ronon Dex and Teyla Emmagan, who were watching them with amused looks. "All right, gang, let's go check out the mysteriously appearing power source. Stay on your toes. Teyla, you're on point, Ronon, you've got our six."

They acknowledged John's orders with quick affirmations and they headed off, Rodney still poking through the sensor readings. "I've turned into a human MALP," he complained quietly as soon as he felt John fall in step beside him. "They're supposed to check these things. And this power source you can't miss."

Although he had his sunglasses on, it was easy to tell John was scanning the surrounding area. "It might not have been here when they took the initial readings. Seriously, as long as the odds are, I can think of half a dozen reasons why a power source would suddenly appear just off the top of my head."

"I don't like it. Power readings don't just show up on agrarian-level planets and when they do, they usually come complete with underground bunkers and nuclear bombs."

"So we'll stay on high alert. Let me know if there are any changes or fluctuations. If something looks fishy, we'll head back to Atlantis and return with a cloaked jumper."

"Do you think I wouldn't tell you if something changed?" Rodney huffed, glancing to the side at his team leader and lover. "And why didn't we take a jumper in the first place?"

"No reason to take one. As you said, it's an agrarian-level planet, and as far as we knew, the only things worth checking out weren't all that far from the Gate. Besides, the fresh air and exercise is good for us."

Rodney snorted. "I know a better form of exercise I enjoy a whole lot more." And did he ever. It had been a little over thirty six hours since they'd had sex—that whole no sex before a mission rule. Rodney hated it, but it was a good rule. He would never admit that to John, though. And besides, Rodney felt weird. He'd gotten used to wearing the chastity device or cock ring every day, but on mission days he didn't.

John's smile turned softer, warmer for a minute. "Tonight I'll run you through your paces—make sure you haven't lost any muscle tone."

"I certainly hope so," he grumbled.

The other man chuckled, glancing around again. "Anyone's spidey senses tingling, or are we still good?"

"Fine to me," Ronon said, a few paces back.

"Teyla? Any hints of Wraith around?"

The Athosian shook her head, her long hair flowing around her face. "I sense nothing out of the ordinary. It seems much the way I remember it."

"Good. I'd rather not have any unexpected visitors. How far is this power source, Rodney?"

Rodney glanced up. "You want distance?"

"Roughly, yes."

"Roughly…" Rodney said, turning to the scanner, hoping no one noticed the red of his cheeks as his mind went in the totally opposite direction of where it should have been. He could almost feel John pounding— "Distance. Right. About…a kilometer west of our position."

A soft chuckle from his side told him John had caught the flush and the slight stammer, and identified it for what it was.

Teyla adjusted their course, heading deeper into the forest.

They moved quietly, the three warriors of the group moving almost soundlessly around Rodney.

John steadied him a few times as his feet slipped and slid on the damp leaf-covered ground—or just didn't pay attention to where he was walking. The power reading was steady, stable and strange. It was big, more than large enough for the MALP to have picked it up—if it was here for the MALP to find. But if it wasn't, how did it get here?

His mind began spinning possibilities, but really only ended up with one probable one—well, two. One: his staff was as stupid as he thought they were. Two: the power source wasn't here before, arriving sometime in the last ten hours. It could be a ship—because honestly, nothing with that kind of an energy reading could be portable.

John grabbed him suddenly, tugging him down as Teyla and Ronon also dropped. Before Rodney had a chance to ask what was going on, he heard faint voices in the distance. John glanced over at Ronon and the two seemed to have an entire silent conversation before the former Runner was up and disappearing into the surrounding foliage.

Settling deeper into the foliage, Rodney listened to the voices, trying to discern what they were saying. He slid his eyes to his scanner screen, checking the location of the power source—a few hundred yards away—before changing over to another screen. Five blips. Five within the scanner's radius. He angled the screen up so John could see.

He got a brief squeeze to his arm in acknowledgement, and then John was holding up his hand to silently tell Teyla how many there were. When Ronon came back, John gave the signal to fall back.

They moved quietly, nearly soundlessly—which for Rodney was a miracle. They paused about ten minutes out from where they'd stopped.

Keeping his voice low, John pulled them in close. "All right, the scanner was picking up five near our former position. Ronon, how close were you able to get, and what did it look like?"

"Close enough. I only saw three."

"Any ideas about our mysterious power source? Level of tech?"

"I could see a ship not far from where they were talking."

"A ship! I thought so," Rodney said a little loudly, getting a glare from John.

"All right, this is more than I want to be handling on foot and without backup. Let's fall back to Atlantis. We can return with a few cloaked jumpers to assess the situation."

The hiss of an activating weapon stopped Rodney in his tracks, just as he was turning. "I don't think so." The voice was deep, gravelly.

John stood slowly, turning to face the new guy. "How about we just leave and promise not to come back at all?"

"How about we chat about what you're doing here sneaking up on us instead?" That reply came from someone else, off to Rodney's left somewhere.

"We weren't really sneaking. We're explorers. Our intelligence suggested this planet didn't have anything except a low-tech society. We were hoping to find them and try to forge an alliance when we picked up a power signature our initial sweep didn't see. We were coming to see what it was. When we saw it wasn't unclaimed, we started heading back." Rodney recognized the deceptively loose posture his lover was using.

"They were sneaking," came the response from another man, this one appearing on the trail they'd used when they'd walked from the Stargate. "Using technology to find us like they knew we were here."

"We saw superior numbers and did the prudent thing to try and leave without being seen, I'll give you that. We aren't stupid, and we decided it would be smarter to move away and think it over before we tried to actually approach you."

"I recognize one. He's a Runner. The Wraith will be following behind them soon enough."

"Former Runner." John flashed an easy smile.

"You're always running," said the first man again. "It never ends until you're dead."

"Or until you take out the tracking device. We liked that option better."

There was a strange, tense silence Rodney didn't like. He also didn't like having his back to strangers with guns, but they'd been caught off guard. Even Teyla and Ronon.

"Those don't come out."

"They do if you know what you're doing." John's voice left no room for argument.

There was a strange silence before yet another voice, a little further out and somewhere behind Rodney spoke. "Bring them."

John glanced around. "Just for the record, my team, personally, can't remove the tracking devices if that's what you're looking for. We can, however, call in someone who knows how—and for that I'm willing to stay on as a guarantee of good faith while the rest of my team heads back to gather up what we would need."

"Watch the Runner and the Athosian, but keep an eye on the dark haired one, too." Rodney wanted to turn around, to see who was talking, but all he could go on was John's expression because he was standing directly across from him. Unfortunately, that didn't give much away.

Rodney could see several others—more than five. He made a mental note to check his scanner at the first opportunity. The ones he could see approached each of his team members cautiously with several standing back, their weapons raised and aimed at the Lanteans.

John raised his hands, away from his P90. "We're not here looking for a fight."

"Good," said the same gravelly-voiced man who'd spoken first. He was closer to Rodney now, just behind his shoulder.

John had learned his lesson the last time they had been kidnapped, by the slavers—he gave no outward indication that he was concerned about Rodney over everyone else. Instead, he flicked his eyes at all three of them. "I don't suppose you'd consider sending one of my people back to the Gate as a show of good faith?"

"No."

"Yeah, I didn't think so." John sighed. He glanced at Ronon, who was tensing up. John gave a small shake of his head.

"He can try if he wants," said another man, off behind Teyla. "Might be fun." Rodney guessed he'd seen Ronon and John's silent communication.

"Sorry to rain on your parade," John drawled.

A meaty hand wrapped around Rodney's upper arm and he shot a wide-eyed glance at John, only to see the same thing happening to him and the rest of the team. They were all disarmed, the men working steadily, easily, their moves clearly telegraphed beforehand.

Outwardly John didn't look too worried, but Rodney knew he was holding himself tightly. Rodney could see the small tells he gave, the ones Rodney could finally now read. He caught Rodney's eye briefly before addressing the whole team. "We'll just go have a nice chat with these fine gentlemen and straighten everything out."

This was bad. Very bad. He'd wanted to grab for his scanner when they'd taken it from him, but Rodney'd resisted—barely. They just didn't have a lot of them and he needed every last one—even if it wasn't working right.

The men—hulking barbarians with high-tech guns—marched them back toward the power source—a.k.a. their ship. Each team member had their own personal escort—one per person—and that wasn't counting the others scattered around in front and behind. There had to be ten people just watching them. How the hell could the scanner be that wrong?

John glanced at him, then around at their guards. His thoughts were apparently going in the same direction. "So, you guys have some pretty sweet technology here. Love the guns by the way. Once we get this misunderstanding settled, I don't suppose you'd be interested in talking trade?"

Goon number one—the one also hanging onto Rodney—replied. "We don't trade."

John looked at the guns again, a brief flash of longing—he denied it, but he so wanted a laser gun just for the cool factor—then sighed. "Will you at least tell us who you are?"

Their captors were silent. It was Ronon who finally spoke up. "They're Bomani."

"Bomani?"

"Warriors. Pirates. They steal things."

"Wait." John stopped in his tracks, only to be pushed forward by his guard. "We've just been captured by Space Pirates?"

Rodney sighed, loudly. Only Sheppard.

His lover was grinning. "That's awesome."

Rolling his eyes, Rodney shook his head. "Yes, yes. Every boy's dream," he muttered.

John looked over at the one who seemed to be the leader. "Please tell me you have eye patches and parrots."

"Parrots?" The answer came from another man, the one currently walking beside Teyla.

"Small bird that sits on your shoulder and mimics speech." Despite themselves, the pirates seemed to be fascinated by John. Rodney realized belatedly that his lover hadn't lost his mind. He was trying to make them appear more harmless.

Rodney rolled his eyes again, his feet sliding on the damp ground. His goon managed to keep him on his feet, which was good. He had no desire to do a faceplant into the mud.

John was glancing at his own guard. "Do you ever feel the urge to say 'Argh me maties'?"

Rodney groaned, plastering a hand over his face. They were dead, so dead.

"Don't mind him." John grinned at Teyla's guard. "What kind of retirement package do you have? Do you accept recruits? Because if I ever decide to change professions, Space Pirate would be near the top of my list."

John's guard shoved him forward. "Just walk."

John stumbled but caught himself. "If you don't recruit, how does one become a space pirate then? Is it like a family business?"

"Does it look like they're playing twenty questions?" Rodney hissed. He knew what John was trying to do, that he was trying to gauge their captor's temperaments and find any weak areas, but this was just stupid.

John shot him a quick look. "I'm just being friendly. Chatting passes the time on a long walk, and getting to know the neighbors is never a bad idea."

Rodney gestured around. "Does it look like they're friendly? Does it look like they want to be neighbors? I don't think so."

"They didn't shoot us—that right there says they aren't opposed to the idea." John gave the leader person another bright smile.

"You might be useful," was the reply from Rodney's goon.

"I can be very useful," John nodded. "But I should probably tell you up front that my level of usefulness increases the more of my people you send back through the gate."

"We'll take our chances."

"I just thought I would give you fair warning. Because I really want to be able to tell my friends back home that I helped the space pirates. They'll all be jealous. I'll be pretty bummed out if I'm forced to do something... less than useful."

They walked out of the forest into a field—complete with tall grasses waving in the afternoon sun. If John broke out singing songs from Oklahoma Rodney was going to kill him on the spot. He'd figure out how when the time came, but that was the plan.

More importantly, though, was the ship nestled in the middle of the field. It was huge and in desperate need of repair. It was kind of like the Millennium Falcon—if the Millennium Falcon had been rectangular instead of circular. It even had space guns.

"Oh, that is just cool. These are not the droids you're looking for." John breathed the last under his breath. It was only because Rodney was standing close to him that he caught it.

"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious," Rodney murmured back to him.

John chuckled, flashing Rodney a genuine smile. "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

"We're doomed."

They were tugged apart again and started forward. It didn't take long to reach the ship, where they were escorted inside and shoved into four separate cells near each other.

Rodney moved to the bars, trying to see his team mates. "I have a very bad feeling about this."

"Don't panic yet. We don't know what they want." He couldn't see John, but his voice was steady.

"What do you mean, don't panic?" Rodney hissed, catching Teyla's eye from across the hall. "Either my scanner is malfunctioning—which is highly doubtful—or they have a way to cloak individual people from scans. Or we're dealing with space pirate zombies, which in Pegasus, could be a distinct possibility."

"We aren't dealing with zombies, Rodney." He could hear the amusement in John's voice. "But the cloaking tech is interesting. I want everyone to avoid causing an incident for as long as possible. If we can convince them we're better allies than enemies, maybe we can buy or trade for some of their science."

"Where did they get it from in the first place? They don't look smart enough to come up with it themselves."

"Space pirates. My guess is that they stole or found it, and are obviously smart enough to figure out how to use it to their advantage."

Ronon finally spoke up again. "Stole it, probably. That's what they do."

"Quite frankly, I don't care how they got it if they're willing to share it with us. I'm not looking to have slumber parties and braid their hair. I just want to get us out of here, and if we can get some new toys in the process, all the better."

"They don't share. They steal and loot."

"Oh, great. We've been captured by the people who rape and pillage villages." Rodney rolled his eyes, trying not to panic.

"Yeah, but people who steal usually sell—and if we make it clear we're buyers, they'd be pretty stupid to kill us. Let's think positive people."

"I am thinking positive. We are so screwed."

"Rodney calm down. Panicking is not going to get us anywhere. Let's not panic until they actually tell us why they grabbed us." John's tone had taken on a note of command, a note that went straight to the obedience and submissive parts of his brain.

Rodney swallowed his reply, leaning his head on the metal bars. They were so screwed.

***

Ten paces by ten paces. Well, almost. It was actually 9.65 paces by 11.27 paces, but John was willing to cut the room some slack.

They had been captured by space pirates.

While a part of him found that infinitely hilarious, the rest of him was wondering how the hell they were going to get out of this. The rest of the team had fallen silent as they waited to find out what Captain Hook had planned for them.

After what felt like hours, one of the guards from before returned to their cells. They opened John and Ronon’s doors and motioned for them to step out. With a shrug—how else were they going to find out what was going on?—John nodded at Ronon and they followed the guard through a series of winding passages. He tried to memorize where they were going, but he really sucked at ground navigation.

Finally they came to what John assumed was a control room of some kind. Captain Hook was waiting for them.

"Why are you here? There is nothing you could possibly want from the people here."

John glanced around carefully, trying not to be obvious about it. "We're explorers and traders. We were told the people of this world are willing to trade excess crops for certain items, so here we are. We picked up an energy signal our initial intelligence hadn't shown, so we detoured to check it out. I wish I had a more interesting story for you, but I'm afraid that's it."

"And you have Runners as part of your team." It wasn't a question.

"Former Runner. We removed the tracking device and I asked him to join my team afterward. He agreed."

The Captain…leader…whatever he called him moved cautiously around the room. "Where are you from?"

"Another galaxy. My people came here several years ago hoping to make new friends and explore." John moved slowly, keeping the Captain in front of him.

"I find that hard to believe."

John shrugged. "Why would I lie to you? I really don't have anything to gain by making that up."

"Where did you get your weapons from?"

John blinked. Okay, that was a new one. "My gun? From my home world, standard issue. Ronon won't tell me where he got his, so I can't help you there."

"You can get more?"

"No, I can't even get one for me. I've been trying to get him to let me borrow it, but—"

"You will get me more."

Narrowing his eyes, John shook his head. "I don't have more. What part of 'that's the only one I've ever seen and I've been trying to find one like it for six months now' did you not understand?"

He paused, glaring down at John. "You have more. I know your type."

One eyebrow went up. "My type? Okay, I don't think I want to know. If I had more ray guns, don't you think I would have been carrying that instead?"

"I wasn't talking about the Runner's weapon."

"Now, see, clear communication—it's the key to a happy existence. If you want those, you'll have to send one of my people back through the gate. I'm not authorized to sell our weapons."

"I'm not looking to buy them."

"So what do you want?"

The Captain kept walking around, his eyes on John and Ronon. "There are a lot of things I want and I get what I want. This time, I believe you will be spending your next few days working for me."

Great. They couldn't have lucked out and gotten the saner version of the good Captain. "Working for you?"

"Yes."

"What kind of work? And why exactly do you think we'll just skip merrily off with our lunch box and a whistle?"

"Oh, yes, you will. Your team mates will be my guests until I'm…satisfied with your services."

One day they would find a people who didn't think hostages were a great form of motivation. Today, apparently, wasn't that day. "You still haven't told me what you're looking for."

"You'll find out soon enough. Bring them to the secondary holding cells."

Secondary... "Wait, what? Where are you taking us, and why not back to the rest of my team?"

"You'll find out soon enough," he said, waving to the guards to take them away.

A quick assessment confirmed what John already knew—they were outnumbered and outgunned. The ball was in the Captain's court. They would have to see how this played out. So far no one had been hurt, so John held on to a shred of hope.

"Yes, you are outnumbered," he said, his words, low, knowing. "And you will be for the foreseeable future. If you do what I want, we'll see about letting you, and your team, go."

"You do know that if you just let me send someone back with a request, you could probably get what you wanted as well as a potential alliance worth a lot more, right? Making us prisoners might net you something in the short term, but long term..."

"We don't make alliances."

"Of course you don't." John sighed, tired of the shit Pegasus kept throwing at them. "Never mind the fact that between us we could probably do some serious damage to the Wraith, who are the real enemy."

The Captain shrugged. "Everything has its place, its purpose, its uses."

"Yeah, but it doesn't do you much good when you've been invited to dinner as the main course. I'm not suggesting you change your way of life. I'm just suggesting that we'd be better off as allies—hell, even neutrals—than as enemies."

"The Wraith do not concern me or my men."

Looking out a small window, John let his eyes go unfocused. "And you don't really care about the people of this or any other planet either, do you? What do you care about?"

"Me."

"And your men? Their families?"

"They know they'll get their share if they stay with me. That's enough for them."

John looked back, meeting the other man's eyes. "What do you want from me?"

"Right now?" John nodded silently. "Your cooperation. I have a job that needs to be done."

"And if I cooperate, none of my team is hurt and we can talk about sending them home?"

"Oh, no. You misunderstand," he said, stepping closer. John could feel the guards tensing just in case he or Ronon did something. "I require the cooperation of every member of your team. If you perform…admirably—each of you—we can discuss your release as payment for your services."

"I want to know what the services are first. If it's agreeable, I'll order them to cooperate and no one will get hurt."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because," he smiled, his teeth colored yellow, brown in places, "I said so."

John couldn't help tensing, but he stood his ground. Just his luck: space pirates with a God complex. Pirates were just never as cool in real life as they were on TV. John was horribly disillusioned.

The guards tugged them away a few moments later, turning them down a different hall than they'd walked through when they arrived.

John followed quietly. He wanted to resist, but he wouldn't risk his team. If he could just get them out of here... they were led to a very small room—even smaller than the first cell, and both shoved in. He was pretty sure Rodney would have been complaining about breathing in Ronon's dreads about now.

Ronon was tense, intense. "They're not going to let us go."

"If you have any better suggestions, I'm open. Right now if we try anything they'll mow us down before we can blink." John moved to the corner, sinking down.

"So you're just going to give up?"

"Who said I was giving up? We're getting the hell out of here, one way or another. Right now, though, we don't know much of anything about this ship, how many men there are, schedules, anything. If a little bit of cooperation keeps us all unharmed and healthy, then I'm willing to play along. It will make getting out when the time comes a hell of a lot easier."

"They're splitting us up to make it harder to plan an escape."

"I know. But again, short of fighting a battle that will get us both—and probably Teyla and Rodney as well—killed, it's the only option I can see right now."

"They won't kill us right away."

"If we fight, they might not kill us, but they will hurt us—or our teammates. I'm not willing to risk that, not yet. If it becomes necessary I will, but... Let's see what they want. If it's something simple, it won't hurt to do it. It will give us some leverage, possibly, and, more importantly, will give us the chance to learn the layout of this place a little better, and get an idea of what the weaknesses are."

Ronon snorted, looking out the small window in the door into the hall.

John was quiet for a few minutes, mulling over options. "If you have a better idea, tell me."

"Escape. Take our chances."

"How? And do you have any idea where Teyla and Rodney are being held in relation to where we are now? Not to mention, we have no weapons at the moment."

"They're on the other side of the ship. Front section. I never need weapons to make my point."

John drummed his fingers against the floor. "Okay, let's do a little more planning here than just 'hit things really hard.' One: how are we getting out of this cell? Two: how many guards are there in the immediate area? Three: assuming we find Teyla and McKay, how do we get them out of their cells? And four: once we do that, how do we get out of this ship and back to the gate without getting caught again?"

Ronon glanced over his shoulder at John. "Pick the lock. Three. Pick the locks or get the key from a guard. Run."

John took a long moment to let the Runner's answers percolate. He agreed with him in some aspects—he knew these pirates would probably kill them before letting them go. But if they escaped now would they be able to find the rest of their team? Would it be safer to wait it out for a little while or try to escape now?

"You remember how to get to the other cells?"

Ronon nodded, prowling back and forth in front of the door of their cell.

"Are you sure there were only three guards?"

Another nod.

John sighed. He just wanted one mission to go smoothly. Why couldn't this one be it? We weighed the pros and cons, trying to decide what would be the best way to make sure his team got out of this is one piece.

"What the hell." John stood up, finally coming to a decision—one he wasn't sure about, but at least he'd be doing something. "After you—just try not to get me killed, okay?"

"They're not looking to kill us."

"I hope you're right. Pick the lock and let's see if we can get home in time for dinner. I heard there was going to be mashed potatoes tonight."

Ronon grunted and reached into his hair, tugging out a knife. He started in on the door a moment later.

John leaned against the wall, staying out of his way and trying to plan for contingencies in his head.

It took Ronon ten minutes to pop the lock.

It actually took him longer than John would have guessed. The former Runner slipped him yet another knife and they moved quietly into the hall.

They dispatched the guards quietly, managing to knock them out instead of killing them. No need to kill anyone. It wasn't necessary. Ronon took point, leading the way through the halls with an ease John envied.

He stayed close, keeping an eye on their six. He couldn't help but think it was almost too easy.

They managed to avoid any of the pirates, ducking into side passages, small sections they could squeeze into. Ronon was good, really good.

They made it to the other cells. Only two guards. Less than a minute later, John was standing outside Rodney's cell.

Rodney's empty cell.

God fucking damn it. He moved down to see if Teyla's was empty, too.

"They're gone."

"Yes, I was noticing that myself. Fuck."

"Looking for something?" It was the Captain's voice—smug and very, very arrogant.

"God fucking damn it." John spun around.

"Did you think we would just let you leave?"

"I had kinda hoped you would, yes. I don't suppose we get bonus points for not actually having killed any of your men."

"I appreciate your…thoughtfulness."

"We aren't actually trying to be your enemy. We just want to go home."

"And I'm not…ready for you to leave just yet." He gestured to a guard before pointing to John. "Secure him."

John was surprised when another guard came up behind him. He quickly found himself bound with his hands behind his back. "Fuck."

"Actually, that wasn't what I had in mind," the Captain said, nodding to the guard who shoved John into a cell and locked the door.

With his hands tied, John couldn't slow down fast enough, slamming into the far wall. It got a moan out of him.

"You should watch where you're going," the Captain said, humor in his voice.

Turning, John shook off the hit. "What do you want from me? You obviously expected this, so what are you trying to get here?"

"Just an initial test. Right now is lesson number one." He turned to the guards, his eyes drifting to Ronon. "Rough him up a bit, but I want him able to walk."

John lunged at the door, but with his hands tied and a door between him and the guards, there was nothing he could do except growl.

Ronon held his own against the five guards for a while, a long while. The knife helped. But once they got that away, things went downhill quickly.

John clenched his jaw tight, and by the time it was over he was breathing hard, anger making his blood feel hot. He glared at the Captain.

When Ronon was bloody and on the floor, the beating finally stopped. "Lesson one has been concluded. Put him in a cell."

"Just what was this supposed to teach me?" John didn't bother to hide how pissed he was.

"That escape is not possible. That I get what I want. That I can do what I want."

"So you arranged to let us escape as an excuse to beat the shit out of one of my people?"

He shrugged. "I wanted to see what you would do, how you'd react, how good you were. It served its purpose. This," he gestured to Ronon who was being put in his own cell, "is a lesson for you."

"Where are my other two teammates?"

"Not here."

"If you've hurt them I swear I will find a way to kill you."

"No, you won’t. You will do as I say. If so, everything will be fine. But the same goes for the rest of them as well."

God, Rodney had to be out of his mind. He hoped Teyla was still with him—she could keep him calm. "So far you haven't told me what you want. You've just been playing games to fuck with my head. So you'll have to forgive me for not really taking you at your word."

"What have I said that was not true?" He looked surprised.

"You've been jerking me around since we got here."

"Have I been?" He paused, offering John a smile. "Then, perhaps, you should learn to live with it." A man stepped up to him, leaning down to whisper in his ear. When the guard stepped away, the Captain was beaming. "It seems like your other team members are as resourceful as you are—even more so."

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. If he was smiling, that couldn't be good. "If you hurt them, I will kill you."

"You are in no position to do so."

"Now. But I promise you, I will find a way."

"Never." His tone was steady, confident. He gestured to the guards and the men slid into hiding places along the walls, deep in shadow. The Captain stepped to the side of John's cell door, hiding as well.

John could hear Rodney. He was trying to whisper, but it wasn't working.

"Are you sure this is the right way? I swear we should have turned at the last fork in the hall."

John knew they didn't have much of a chance, but he had to try. "It's a trap! Run!"

"Colonel?" Teyla's voice was close. Too close.

"Run! They're in the walls, in cubbies. Get the hell out of here!" He didn't really think they had much chance, not this close, with this many men. But he had to give them a chance if he could...

Rodney's choked-off yelp was enough to tell him his warning hadn't been enough. Two guards ushered his other team mates in moments later, the Captain stepping into the light.

Rodney was instantly on the defensive. "What are you doing here? What do you want with us? What did you do to Ronon and Sheppard?"

"We're fine, McKay. Ronon got a little roughed up, but it seems we had the same idea you did, with about the same level of success."

Rodney turned immediately on Teyla. "I told you we should have gone for the gate."

John wanted to bang his head against the wall. Instead he looked at the Captain. "You've proven your point. We can't escape. Fine. I'll give you my word we won't try it again, if you'll give me yours you won't harm my people anymore."

"It is every man for himself," he said, nodding to the guards who pulled Teyla aside, her hands pulled behind her back.

"No. I take full responsibility for my team." John's breath felt caught in his throat. If they beat Rodney...

"You are not the only one who requires a lesson," he said as they shoved Teyla into her own cell. Her hands weren't bound, but she was still locked inside. Rodney's eyes were wide as he watched everything unfold.

"I didn't do anything," Rodney whispered.

"You listened to her," the Captain said. "But she needs to know that her decisions affect others directly."

Fuck. "Take it out on me. She was following my orders."

"And you…Colonel Sheppard, will learn lesson number two."

John's eyes widened. "How do you know my name? My people are under my command. If you want to punish someone, punish me."

"Oh, but I am, Colonel. You get to watch." He nodded to the guards who shoved Rodney into the middle of the room, stumbling over his feet. "That was very clumsy, Doctor. You almost tripped."

John closed his eyes, wishing he could go back in time and decide to head back to Atlantis when they had new readings, get a jumper then. He couldn't believe this was happening to them. Again.

"Did the Colonel teach you how to defend yourself? It may be prudent for you to at least try."

He was taunting Rodney, making fun of him. The guards were circling the scientist, keeping him off-balance.

John looked at the Captain. "Please don't do this. He's not a warrior and you know it. Ronon could give as well as he could take. We all know that isn't the case now. Let me, let any of us, stand in his place."

"He needs to learn how to stand on his own."

"That's my decision and my job. Not yours."

The Captain gestured to Rodney. "And it seems as if you did not do a very good job of it."

The guards were getting closer, keeping Rodney moving, off balance. The scientist was watching, waiting and when he threw his first punch it was good—knocked the guard back off his feet.

His second punch never landed. The second guard stepped in and a quick right hook sent Rodney spinning on his heel, unconscious before he hit the ground.

John growled, throwing himself at the bars of his cage. "You fucking bastard."

"Every time one of you steps out of line, a member of your team will suffer," the Captain said, gesturing for Rodney to be dumped into another cell. "You will be the ones causing pain to each other."

Breathing hard, John just glared.

As Rodney's cell door clanked closed, John could hear the lock sliding into place. "Oh, and these cells do not have locks that can be picked, so don't waste your time."

John bit his tongue—antagonizing the prick further would probably get his team beaten again, and wouldn't actually accomplish anything.

He smiled, clapping his hands together. "Good. Tomorrow we'll begin with task number one. Have a good night."

John sank to the ground. His arms were already aching from being tied so tightly behind him. "Can anyone see Rodney—is he okay? And Ronon, how are you doing?"

"I cannot see Rodney very well," Teyla said after a moment. "He is in the middle of the cell on his back. I do not believe either of them are conscious."

"Great. Day one and we have two team members beaten and out, and we're at the mercy of a sadistic bastard. Just peachy."

"What did Captain Gamba tell you?"

"His name is Gamba? I didn't even get that much from him. Just that he has 'tasks' for all of us, and assuming we complete them to his satisfaction, he'll be willing to consider letting us go. I don't really believe him about the last part."

"We must work for our release, yes. He told us that as well." She paused, letting the silence settle for a moment. "I must apologize to you, for not protecting Rodney."

John sighed, shifting to try and get some circulation. "It wasn't your fault—we didn't do much better."

"He did not…wish to cause any trouble. I insisted that we would be able to ascertain your location and make our way out of the ship without incident."

"It wasn't your fault, Teyla." John stressed it. He needed her focused and not wallowing in guilt. "The good Captain arranged for us to escape so he could see what we would do. You wouldn't have gotten out if you had followed Rodney's plan either."

"Perhaps. But now they know Rodney can work their computer systems. He overrode a control panel in the storage room they had placed us into."

Closing his eyes, John fought down the rising panic. "Before you guys got here, they got a call, something about being more resourceful than anticipated. It made them light up like Christmas trees."

"I do not know, but I do not believe it is something that will benefit us." Her words were accompanied by a groan from Ronon's cell.

"Probably not." John raised his voice slightly. "Hey, buddy, welcome back to hell. How you feeling?"

"Fine," he grumbled, rolling to his feet with another groan as his hands wiped away the blood from his face.

"Look, obviously we aren't getting out of this by force. When we fail to check in, Elizabeth will send a few teams to look for us. In the meantime, everyone just do whatever is necessary to stay alive and preferably in one piece."

"What happened to McKay?" Ronon's voice was hard, his eyes sharp as they turned to meet John's across the hall.

"He was beaten for the same reason you were—to teach me a lesson."

Ronon growled as Teyla broke in. "It was to teach me a lesson as well, Colonel. You are not the only one it effects."

"No, you're right. It was to teach all of us a lesson. We do something the Captain doesn't like, and we won't be the ones to pay the price—he'll take it out on one of the rest of us."

Rodney picked that moment to groan and John could hear him shifting on the floor, the rustle of fabric. The groaning gave way to a rough cough which was followed by more groans of pain and the sound of spitting.

"Rodney?" John couldn't help the way his voice seemed a bit too high.

"He is up, John, but curled over a little. I cannot see what he is doing," Teyla replied, leaning against the bars and shifting on her feet as she tried to get a better view. "Doctor McKay….Rodney, are you well?"

"My tooth is loose."

"Carson can fix it when we get home. I'm sorry. All of you." The last was whispered softly.

Rodney ignored him, his tone heading toward indignant. "He punched me in the face."

"I know. He did it to teach us a lesson. That's what we were talking about just before you woke up. If any of us misbehave, he won't punish the person acting out, he'll target another one of us."

"I’m gonna be bruised. It hurts!"

John tugged at his bound arms. He decided not to mention it to Rodney. It would only worry his lover further. "I know, buddy. I'm sorry."

It took another minute before John heard Rodney moving again. "Everyone else okay?"

John listened to Teyla and Ronon reassuring him, smiling slightly.

"Rodney, are you bleeding?" Teyla's voice was calm.

John could hear the shrug in his lover's words. "Must have bit the inside of my mouth or something."

"McKay, how badly are you injured?" John put a note of command in his voice.

There was a quiet sigh before Rodney answered. John wished he could see him, but because of how they were arranged he couldn't. "My head's ringing a little and I know there's at least one tooth loose and I’m bleeding and I’m going to have one hell of a bruise."

John sighed. "Try not to move too much, and we'll do what we can to get out of here as soon as possible."

Rodney snorted, but was quiet otherwise and that worried John more. Teyla finally broke into the silence, her voice even, soft. "We should try to rest."

"Yeah." John shifted again, wincing. He was going to be lucky to be able to move his damn arms tomorrow, and he was glad his team really couldn't see him. Well, Ronon could, but the Satedan was a little preoccupied with how shitty he was feeling. "Right now our hosts have the upper hand. Tomorrow we'll see just what these tasks he has for us are. Until then, we can't do much."

They'd each settled into their cells, silent. It was about half an hour later—according to John's time sense—that two guards appeared. One held a stunner of some sort, the other had a tray with bowls of food and cups of water.

He stopped in front of Teyla's cell first. "Stand back away from the door."

"Do it, Teyla." John gave the order when he didn't hear her move. "Starving yourself isn't going to help anything. That goes for the rest of you, too."

"Not like some of us can eat," Rodney grumbled, but no one protested, the guard depositing the food in each cell until they came to John's.

"Step back."

He didn't bother to try and stand, just scooting a bit. "I don't suppose you'll untie my hands? It'll be a little hard to eat this way."

The guard with the food, dropped it on the floor and then gestured for John to turn. He heard the snap hiss of the other guard's gun. "Try anything and your scientist gets a nice jolt. Understand?"

"Understood." John pushed himself up and turned. He wanted to lash out, but he wouldn't risk getting Rodney hurt any further tonight.

The guard was quick, loosening the tightly wrapped bonds. As soon as the circulation entered his hands again, John groaned. God, that hurt.

He took a few deep breaths, turning slowly to face the guards. He wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing him drop to his knees, but he really wished they would go so he could rub the ache out.

The guard looked him over carefully before nodding. "Good. You're learning already." He turned on his heel and walked out, the door clanging shut behind him. The lock clicked into place a moment later.

With a groan, John sank to his knees, rubbing his hands and arms.

"You okay, Sheppard?" That was Ronon, talking through a mouthful of food—gruel from the look of it.

"Yeah. They didn't rough me up like they did you and Rodney. Just tied my hands behind my back, tight enough that I had lost circulation. Now that I'm free, it just aches a bit. I'll be all right."

"Rodney, you must eat even though it hurts." Teyla's voice was quiet, but it carried far enough.

"Rodney..." John really wished he could see his lover, even if he couldn't touch him. "You have to eat, buddy."

"Oh, yes, because bloody gruel tastes so much better than regular gruel."

"Use the water they gave us to rinse out your mouth a little first."

"Rodney—" Teyla sighed, her tone exasperated.

John picked at his own dinner. "Just eat, Rodney. I'm not asking you to enjoy it. I just don't want you to get sick."

Teyla sighed again, quietly. "It will get worse before it gets better. I suggest you eat now before the muscles stiffen and the swelling begins in earnest."

Fuck. John had thought he was just roughed up a bit, not that it was extensive injuries. "Just how bad was he hurt?"

"His jaw is already beginning to bruise," Teyla replied.

It took some coaxing, but they managed to finally get Rodney to eat a little something—complaining the whole time. John picked at his own meal a bit more, taking a few bites and forcing them down for some of the same reasons he used on his lover. Then he settled in the corner of his cell, listening to his teammates drifting off to sleep.

What a mess. What a fucking mess. How did they always manage to get themselves into these kinds of situations?

With a sigh, John closed his eyes to try and catch whatever rest he could manage. Tomorrow would be interesting.

***

When the guards came for them the next morning, Ronon took the opportunity to assess his teammates. Sheppard looked tired, drawn. He probably hadn’t slept much. Ronon reflected briefly that the loyalty and care the other man had for his team—and his fierce need to protect them—was both frustrating at times, and was also the reason he had made Atlantis his new home. John Sheppard would never stop fighting for those he was pledged to, and he would never betray them. He was a man Ronon was honored to fight beside and follow.

Teyla also looked tired. She was harder to read in general, but he could see her guilt when she looked at McKay. Sheppard had told her it wasn’t her fault, but he thought it would take her some time to accept that.

McKay himself looked pretty bad. Tired, bruises on his face, although not as bad as Ronon had feared, given the complaints last night. Bad enough to hurt, sure, but not bad enough to cause permanent damage. It was a pretty spectacular color, though.

It was colorful enough that Ronon glanced back at his team leader, keeping an eye on him. If Sheppard had a weakness, it was McKay. The other man tensed, his eyes narrowing, but he didn’t do anything reckless. Good. Ronon was pretty sure they could take out these guards, but given what they saw yesterday, it would be foolish to try again before they had a better idea of the layout of this place and the closest exits.

"Take a look at each other now because there's no telling if you'll see each other again in the same condition tonight," said the man who Ronon assumed was the leader. It was the same one who'd called the shots yesterday. "It all depends on what you do today."

Sheppard growled, but he didn't respond directly to that man. Instead he looked at the rest of the team, forcing an almost lazy posture Ronon had learned was deceptive. "Don't go wearing out our welcome, guys. See the sights, try the food, and we can all share slides of our vacation tonight."

The leader narrowed his eyes. He wasn't so easily fooled. He pointed at John and Teyla. "You will be joining my men on a quest today."

"A quest. Lovely. If there's a map with an 'X' on it, I'm demanding to see the parrots." Sheppard's smile matched his posture.

Sheppard was ignored. "The Doctor and the Runner will be staying here."

At that, Sheppard's gaze sharpened and fell on Ronon. He conveyed a whole set of orders with a glance—Keep McKay safe. Do whatever is necessary to make sure there are no more beatings. Watch for weaknesses that could be exploited.

Ronon blinked in understanding. He'd do that anyway. McKay was part of his team and his commander's partner. He knew how things worked.

Several guns warmed up as Sheppard and Teyla were gestured to move out of the prison area. McKay was silent, but from the way he held himself Ronon knew he was hurting and worried. Sheppard needed to teach him about his body language.

As he moved, Sheppard shifted closer to McKay. Ronon saw the brief touch of fingers skating along an arm.

Sheppard should know better. If the Bomani saw that, they'd use it—much to McKay's displeasure, he knew.

His team leader kept moving, following the guards out. He glanced back once, taking them both in. Ronon had learned to read Sheppard well enough to see the worry, but he was fairly certain their captors would only see the flippant mask they were meant to see. "You kids have fun."

McKay was silent, too worried and panicked to reply.

"Today you will be working with Essien on some repairs of our engine. He injured his arm during our last quest and requires another set of agile hands. You, doctor, have them. He will be watching very carefully so be certain to do exactly as he says."

Ronon raised an eyebrow, but kept silent. He decided he would shadow McKay for as long as they would let him—if he did something to get them separated, he knew Sheppard would be... disappointed. And if all they wanted McKay to do was fix something, well, at least they weren't asking for the impossible.

McKay nodded his understanding. "And… Ronon?" The words were quiet, a little garbled. Apparently his jaw had stiffened up overnight just like Teyla said it would.

Ronon didn't move, but he did tense his muscles. "I'm his assistant."

"For now you will be. I have another task for you this afternoon."

Ronon just grunted. He'd deal with it later.

"What do you expect me to fix? I don't know anything about your ship or its systems."

"You showed a great deal of resourcefulness yesterday. You will use that today." The leader gestured. "Take them down to Essien."

McKay didn't comment again, instead following the guard deeper into the ship.

Ronon quietly paid attention to every twist and turn, the number of guards visible, doors and exits, anything that could potentially be useful for escape later.

There were a lot more of the Bomani than they originally thought, probably fifty total. The ship was more than large enough to hold them, but it was strange McKay's scanner had only picked up five.

He knew Sheppard had wanted whatever technology they were using to fool McKay's scanner, but Ronon was pretty sure at this point, it would require stealing it, as the pirates didn't trade. So he added that to his list of things to watch for. If something small enough to be concealed was left where he could get to it, he would make a try for it.

Essien was big, larger than the leader even—and he was an inch or so taller than Ronon. He was waiting for them in the main engine area. The smell of fuel and oil and grease was strong and tinted with the odor of animals. A four-legged animal wandered around the area, sniffing McKay and Ronon as they were brought in. Ronon also spotted a cage in the far corner that housed a red bird.

Grunting, Ronon moved to the side, doing his best to be innocuous. He didn't want these people paying much attention to him, because it would be easier to steal from them and escape if they learned to underestimate him. It was why he had allowed them to win the fight last night as well.

"What do you want from me?" McKay's back had straightened, his posture improving as he tried to make himself bigger. Ronon nearly rolled his eyes.

"M'told you hacked our systems. So you know something about machines. You're going to be m'hands since I can't use my own right now." Both of the engineer's hands were swathed in a white cloth of some sort.

"Why not?" McKay asked, but then quickly continued. "I mean, it's obvious why you can't work with your hands…what did you do to them?"

"Not any of your concern. Right now you're gonna crawl in there and fix what I tell you to fix, how I tell you to fix it. You do it right, and no one gets hurt today."

"Do I have to worry about that happening to me? The hands thing. I need my hands."

"I c'n break 'em now for ye if you're so inclined."

Ronon stiffened, ready to move in to protect McKay if necessary.

McKay moved back a half step. "No, it's just that my hands are important for my work and I really can't afford to have anything happen to them when I’m repairing your engines."

Essien took a step forward. "You c'n get in there and do as you're told, or I can break them now. I ain't got all day, so decide now or I'm decidin' for ye."

McKay's eyes were wide, the bruise on the left side of his face dark against his skin. He began to move where Essien pointed, but his complaints didn't stop. "I'm just trying to ascertain if I’m in any bodily harm inside there and you not answering me is not helping to make me feel comfortable about the whole situation."

Essien glanced at Ronon. "Does he ever shut up?"

"Nope." Ronon shrugged. "Decking him won't help either, just make the complaints louder."

"You know I’m right here in the room," McKay complained, glancing over his shoulder. He'd paused just before a small opening that apparently led into the main engine core.

"Don't make me gag you, because I will," Essien said, taking a step toward McKay.

Ronon tried to look casual. "If you gag him, he won't be able to tell you how to fix things better."

"I'm not looking for better, I'm looking for fixed."

"Up to you." Ronon shrugged. "Just letting you know that the more you rough him up, the less you'll get out of it. Leave him to fix something, and generally it works better in the end."

"We'll see about that," he said, turning back to McKay. "What are you waiting for?"

"It's…are you sure you don't have a larger area where I can work?"

"McKay." Ronon growled. Couldn't the man learn to tell when it was and wasn't appropriate to keep talking? "Just do it."

Essien nodded at a guard and Ronon heard the whine of the stunner as it warmed up. A quick check to the side confirmed it was aimed at his head.

"McKay..." Ronon growled again. He hated being stunned.

"I’m going, I'm going. It's just…small in there. How do you expect me to work—"

"Just do it."

"And isn't that a bad Nike commercial if I ever saw one," he grumbled, but leaned into the space again.

Ronon guessed that was another Earth reference—McKay and Sheppard were bad about that. But it made the guards stop pointing guns at him, so Ronon was willing to cut the scientist some slack.

McKay sighed and climbed into the access tube, disappearing from view a moment later.

The next few hours were boring for Ronon. McKay started talking geek with the engineer, and the guards were keeping a wary enough eye on him that, other than occasionally fetching things, he just stood around.

It wasn't until he heard McKay drop the tool he was using for the fifth time did he shift.

Glancing at Essien, Ronon grunted to get his attention. "If you don't give him something to eat, he'll get sick."

"He'll eat when he's done. Not sooner."

"Then it won't get done. He's got a medical condition. The longer he goes without food, the clumsier he gets, and the less he can think. Then he passes out and requires a doctor to revive him."

"I guess we'll see how long he can last then, won't we?" Essien smiled at Ronon, daring him to do something.

Ronon knew the type. He knew the harder he pushed it, the less likely it would be they would feed McKay. So he shrugged. "Up to you. He's already getting slower, more clumsy. You want him dead and your engine still broken, that's your call."

Another guard arrived a few seconds later, gesturing to Ronon. "We're ready for you."

Ronon hesitated briefly, glancing at the cubby where the scientist was still working. The sound of another dropped tool and a muttered curse was loud in the room. He glanced at Essien again. "If you don't feed him soon, he'll be bad enough to be next to useless, and on his way to dead. Didn't seem like that was what your captain wanted."

"That wasn't an invitation to talk," the guard said. "That's your one and only request. Now move."

Knowing resisting further would only result in McKay being punished, Ronon shrugged again and followed the guard out, hoping they would take his word and feed the other man.

They led him through various passages until they were finally outside, several of the men standing around three large beasts. "Since you're so good with knives, skin and clean these animals."

He resisted the urge to snort. If this was all they wanted, he could skin all day. He wasn't stupid enough to reveal that he was still armed however. "Got a knife for me?"

A stunner activated as another guard handed him two knives—one for skinning, the other for the actual cut down. "Don't try anything stupid."

Instead of bothering with an answer, he just grunted. One knife was jammed into the dirt, while he went to work with the other, switching them out as needed. As a Runner, he had been forced to do this for both his food and his clothes, so it was easy, almost mindless work.

The sun was beginning to set when he heard another group returning. Glancing up he spotted Sheppard and Teyla in the midst of a group of men. They were dirty and tired, but they were carrying several bags—large bags. It seemed their quest had been successful.

A quick once-over and he saw no new bruises on either of them. Good. So they hadn't been beaten for misbehavior.

"Where is Rodney?" It was Teyla who asked the question as the group paused beside Ronon's area. He was just about finished. One more animal to go.

"Fixing the engine."

Before Sheppard or Teyla could ask anymore questions, they were ushered inside, leaving Ronon to his work.

He made quick work of the last of the animals they had left for him. In a flourish, he threw both knives so they landed in the dirt at his guards' feet.

Ronon gave the guard credit: he didn't flinch. "Done?"

"Unless you've got more."

"Not tonight."

Ronon grunted and waited.

The guard waited a minute before moving a few steps away, gesturing for someone else. Another man emerged from the ship a moment later and they conversed, leaving Ronon standing there.

"You're done for the night. You'll be taken to your room."

He just stared at them and waited. He would follow when they led, since that was most likely to get him back to his team.

He was lead to a different part of the ship, two decks down from the main deck. The rest of his team was there, mostly trying to get McKay to eat. He didn't look good.

Ronon glanced at his guard. "He didn't feed him? You might not want to listen, but unless you're trying to kill him, starving him won't work."

"We'll come back in the morning," the guard said, closing the door. Ronon heard it lock a beat later. They'd been upgraded. It was a small bedroom with one bed and a tiny bathroom.

He moved to Sheppard's side. "I told them to feed him."

"He was barely awake when we arrived," Teyla said quietly. "Fela, one of our guards, said he would inquire as to Rodney's condition."

Ronon dropped to the ground. "Essien is the engineer. I warned him a few times he needed to feed McKay unless he wanted his leader to beat him for killing the prisoner. I was sent for before I could convince him. Didn't want to add another beating on top of no food."

Rodney groaned, managing to shove Sheppard's hand away.

"Hey, buddy, I know it hurts but I need you to eat for me." Ronon didn't think Sheppard was even fully aware he was there—all his attention was focused on McKay.

The door to their room opened a beat later and Teyla rose as soon as the man came into view. "Fela?"

He handed her another bowl of something. "He was fed, but not much. When he finally stopped working, Essien got annoyed and had him brought here."

Ronon glanced up. Looked like Teyla and Sheppard's guard was a little more willing to listen. "I warned him, but he was bent on forcing McKay to work all day for his food. Said he would get fed when the engine was fixed."

"It's not fixed yet. He will be expected to work tomorrow. See to it he can." His last words were directed at Teyla.

Ronon rolled his eyes, a habit he had picked up from the Earthers. These people were being willfully stupid.

The door closed and locked once again and Teyla moved to set the bowl on the small table next to the bed. "I have more food, Colonel."

Sheppard looked up, his face tight with worry. "I can't even get him to eat this. God damnit, he's going into shock and he needs a fucking IV."

"May I try?" Teyla was calm, just like usual.

The other man nodded, standing and pacing away. He glanced at Ronon. "They had you skinning all day?"

"Half. Watched McKay the other part."

"They've got us running fucking errands. I have no clue what this guy wants from us. This was just a test today, same as yesterday was."

Ronon watched as Teyla coaxed a spoonful of food into McKay. "We're overdue."

That got him a startled glance. "For what?"

"Our check in." Sheppard wasn't tracking and that wasn't good.

His team leader blinked a few times. "Right. So hopefully we won't be here much longer."

"Unless they cloaked the ship." Another bite and then another. Good.

"Did Rodney work on that today? And we still have our subcus. They can track us, even cloaked."

"I don't know." Five bites and McKay pushed Teyla away. Ronon rolled his eyes.

"John," Teyla said quietly, "perhaps if you…calmed him?"

Sheppard was immediately back at McKay's side. "Hey, buddy. You're doing good. Just a little more, okay?"

"No more."

"You need to eat."

"Not hungry."

"That's because you're in shock. You need to eat." Sheppard was stroking McKay's forehead, smoothing back the hair.

"Can we go home?"

"I wish we could, buddy. Hopefully help is on the way now."

"Not in shock."

"You need to eat."

"Tired. Don't want to work on the engine tomorrow."

"I know. But we might not have a choice, Rodney." Sheppard's voice has gotten low, soothing.

McKay shifted on the bed, his eyes opening to look at Sheppard. "Such a small space."

Sheppard's eyes snapped up to Ronon. "How small is the space they have him working in?"

He shrugged. "Couldn't see. Small."

"Fuck." Sheppard rubbed the bridge of his nose, something he only did when he was really tired. "Rodney is claustrophobic, too. Between that and not feeding him…we need to get out of here. Another few days of that and if he's not dead it will drive him insane."

"So think of something."

McKay tugged on Sheppard's arm. "Can we sleep?"

Sheppard slumped down. "Yes. Sleep now, Rodney. We'll try and think of a way to get you sent home."

Teyla's hands on Sheppard's shoulders made him glance up. "Use the bed. Ronon and I will be fine."

He shook his head, standing. "I'm not ready to sleep yet. We need to convince these bastards to at least send Rodney back through the gate. If he stays here they're going to kill him by sheer fucking accident."

"Won't happen."

"I have to try." Sheppard's eyes drifted to the bed and McKay, who had drifted into a restless sleep.

"Wake him in a few hours and feed him again," Teyla said quietly. "If he rests I believe he will feel better. I do not believe he slept well last night."

"Did any of us sleep well last night?"

Teyla didn't answer, instead laying a hand on Sheppard's arm. "Ronon and I will keep watch. Rest while you can."

"Retirement is starting to look a lot more attractive. I don't know if I can keep doing this." Sheppard allowed himself to be led to the bed, pushed down next to McKay.

"Rest. You will think better when you do."

With a grunt, Sheppard stretched out along the bed, and McKay, even sleeping, immediately curled into him. Within minutes they were both out cold.

"Good," Teyla said with a nod, sitting down on the floor and taking a bowl of the food, handing off one to Ronon. "Fela will help as much as he can, but it is doubtful he will help us escape. He fears for his own safety."

Accepting the bowl, Ronon dropped to his haunches so he could see both the door and the bed. "Better than mine."

"We saved him from harm when a roof was about to collapse on him. He was…grateful."

"Good. Can he get us weapons?"

"I do not know. Perhaps." She took a bite of her food, frowning a little at the taste. Yeah, no wonder McKay didn't want to eat it.

"He gets us stunners, we can get out of here."

"These men…the Bomani. You have had dealings with them before?"

"Not directly." He polished off the gruel. It wasn't as bad as he had tasted before, and better than nothing. "But I've heard of them."

"And what have you heard?" She took another bite, swallowing it down quickly.

"They're thieves, scavengers. They follow the Wraith and take advantage of culled worlds to take whatever's left."

"Then why are they here? This world has not been culled."

"From what I saw today, the ship is broken. Probably had to land to make repairs, and this was the closest safe place to come."

"Do you know how it was damaged?"

"How, no. But the engine was nearly dead from what McKay was saying. And there are scorch marks on the hull. Probably got a little too close to a hive."

"It seems…odd that they landed on his planet when we were planning a mission."

"You think it was more than coincidence? How'd they know we were going to come here?"

Teyla shrugged. "It seems peculiar. There is something about these men that sets me on edge."

"They want something from us. Sheppard is right about that. So far they've just been testing us."

"What?"

"Seeing where our weakness are, what we're willing to try."

Teyla's eyes drifted to the two slumbering men.

"Sheppard shouldn't give away how much he can be manipulated through McKay."

"I do not believe he can help himself."

Ronon grunted. "At least he's getting better."

Teyla cocked her head to the side, an eyebrow rising in question. "Do you disapprove?"

"Of them together, no. Of Sheppard losing it when McKay is threatened, yes. He's better than he was, but he needs to get it under control."

"I agree, but it is one…instinct that I believe will always remain."

Ronon shrugged. "Not asking him not to protect what's his. Just that he not make it obvious to the guys who are holding us prisoner."

"Perhaps you should speak to him."

"He didn't ask for my opinion."

One of the men shifted on the bed and Ronon heard McKay sniffle a little, burrowing deeper into the other man. Teyla's expression was fond exasperation as she watched over them. "Perhaps Doctor Weir will send a rescue party and we shall only be here another few hours."

"McKay looks better than he did." While Ronon could see why Sheppard's military disapproved of this type of relationship—Sheppard's behavior was a perfect example of it—he also thought they were too restrictive. Ronon was pretty sure that if they didn't have to hide that they were shield-mates, Sheppard probably wouldn't be as weird about hovering.

"Yes. I believe the lack of food was only one of the issues. Rodney…has an issue with enclosed spaces."

"They'll beat one of us if he doesn't go back in tomorrow."

"Yes," Teyla said with a sigh, "they will. We should rest."

"I'll take first watch." Ronon settled a little more comfortably.

Teyla didn't argue, instead tugging one of the blankets from the pile in the corner. "Remember to wake them in a few hours. Rodney must eat again."

He grunted an acknowledgement. He'd wake Sheppard and let him deal with forcing McKay to eat.

It was his job, anyway.

***

The morning had not gone well. The guards had come for Rodney first, his panic barely contained as they'd forced him out, a gun held to Ronon's head. John had held himself back, his body stiff as he watched the scientist led away.

Ronon had been next, taken away to another location for yet another task. The guards had told John and Teyla they had time to prepare themselves for another day.

John was…not pleased with the situation.

He was pacing, back and forth in their small cell. She was surprised he didn't have a headache, as stiff as his muscles looked.

"Pacing will not make things better."

"Would you prefer I hit things?"

"Neither would improve matters, so no."

"Where is Atlantis? Why the fuck haven't they come for us yet?"

"I don't know, John," she said quietly, her hand on his arm stopping him. "They will come."

He closed his eyes briefly. "Before or after Rodney gets Ronon killed, or loses his mind?"

"He will be strong."

John ran a hand through his hair, sitting down heavily on the bed. "How was Ronon last night? He looks a lot better this morning."

"What do you mean?" she asked, sitting down gently next to him. She didn't want to spook him.

"He took a beating, too." John gave her a wry smile. "Despite appearances, I'm not focused solely on Rodney, not in the field. He was moving more freely last night and this morning than he was after they used him for a punching bag. Did he mention anything about it?"

"He let them win," Teyla offered a smile in return. "We are simply…concerned that you have shown more of your hand than you know."

Sighing, he leaned back onto his elbows. "I know. I worry about that too. I'm beginning to think I should give serious consideration to taking myself off the team and giving you guys Lorne."

"And what good would that do? Major Lorne, while a good soldier, would find himself in a very precarious situation. If he let anything happen to Rodney…" She let her words trail off, her eyes knowing.

John looked away. "I can't and won't ask Rodney to leave the team. It wouldn't be fair to him. I'm the one with the problem, not him. And you said yourself—I'm becoming more of a liability than an effective leader. I don't want to leave. You guys are... But I don't want to get you killed either."

"You have…improved. I am certain that if you work on it you can…hide it sufficiently off-world."

Glancing back, there was a ghost of a smile on John's lips. "Before or after I get us into trouble? Again?"

"You are improving," Teyla repeated with another smile. "You must have faith that things will turn out for the best."

"In the meantime, we've been taken prisoner by deranged space pirates. I feel cheated that there are no parrots, and the novelty of the situation is wearing very thin. Any ideas on getting out of here?"

"Ronon did mention a small animal in the engine room, and also a winged creature."

That got a small huff of amusement from him. "So there is a parrot. My faith in the ultimate awesomeness of the universe has been restored. I still don't think I want to be a permanent guest."

"Nor do I. Perhaps if we discover the real purpose for our capture we can ascertain how we may be able to escape."

"I wonder if they plan to keep us cooling our heels all day. Even hunting jackalopes is better than just sitting around."

"The guard said he would return."

John was up again, pacing.

"Should you not save your strength?"

"For what?"

"I do not know." She sighed. She was just as restless as he was, but there was only enough room for one of them to pace.

Fortunately, it wasn't much longer before the guard was back. Along with the Captain. The line of John's back went stiff immediately.

"Captain Gamba," Teyla said, standing slowly. "I did not expect to see you."

Eyes flicked over both of them, resting on John, who had moved slightly in front of her. While she appreciated that he didn't want to get her hurt, it was irritating as well. His voice dropped into the drawl she knew he used to annoy people. "To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?"

"You will be accompanying my men today to retrieve some…items."

"What kind of items? And just so we're clear," John's eyes narrowed. "I don't care how many of us you threaten or actually beat. I'm not, nor are any members of my team, killing or hurting anyone. I won't be turned into an assassin."

"I have no intention of putting a weapon in your hands," Gamba said. "The items are varied."

"I'm not stealing from innocents either."

"You'll do as my men say or your scientist will not live out the rest of the day. How long do you think it will take for him to die if we don't feed him? Maybe we should try it again today, see how much he can take."

Teyla could almost feel the agony coming off John, but he didn't back down. "Then you won't get your engine fixed, will you? How long do you think it will take the Wraith to pick up the same energy signals we did? I'll be cheering them on when they cull your stupid asses because you killed probably the only person capable of fixing your damn ship out of spite."

"Our cloaking field is working once again. My men were able to repair that as McKay began his work on the engines. We are safe and protected." Gamba tilted his head to the side. "Would you like to try again?"

"I'm not dooming innocents to fulfill your warped need to see what you can make me do. I want to protect my team, yes, but they wouldn't thank me for killing others to do it."

"We don't kill anyone, Sheppard," Gamba said. "Others are sufficiently good at doing that. Are your token protests finished?"

"If you're stealing their technology, what little so many of the people in this galaxy have managed to collect, then yes, you are killing them. Maybe not outright, but odds are good without it they'll be dead a hell of a lot sooner. I will help you recover items that aren't claimed by anyone. I won't steal."

"You'll do as my men tell you," Gamba said, turning away, the conversation complete. "Just pray I take pity on your scientist today since you will be spending the night on another planet." He gestured to the guards. "Prepare them and be on your way."

If anything, John's shoulders got stiffer. When Teyla moved closer, she heard his soft "Rodney, Ronon", barely an exhale.

"We must do as they say," Teyla said quietly, her lips barely moving.

"I know. And if we're out of the shielding, there's a better chance of our subcus getting picked up. Doesn't mean I like it." His response was just as quiet.

Once Gamba left, the guards ushered them down the hall, giving them each a large backpack along with a small bag that turned out to be food—hard rolls and some dried meat. A thin blanket was added to their gear before they were hustled out of the ship. There were six of them in total. While they might be able to get away, that would leave Rodney and Ronon here alone.

They walked to the Stargate. While they waited for the dialing sequence, Teyla noticed John was casually shifting all his weight onto one foot. He was facing the direction of the ship.

"Trust them to survive."

When he shifted, moving to stand beside her, she caught the faint outline of his boot, a distinctive pattern only the footwear of Atlantis had. Then she understood. If they came here looking for them, the print would let Atlantis know they were here, and if they realized it, would know what direction to look for them in.

As the wormhole whooshed into existence, the guards ushered them forward and they stepped through the gate, heading to another planet, another place.

It was dark then they stepped through, the sense of foreboding thick. There were still fires burning, dark smoke spiraling up to the sky. It smelled of death.

"Fuck. This place was just culled." John's voice was low. They heard a wail in the distance, and the Colonel immediately turned toward it. "We have to help them."

"There is nothing left," one of the guards replied, ushering John in the opposite direction.

"Someone is crying. We have to help them." John had turned again, toward the sound. "We can't just leave them here, they need help!"

Another guard replied, his hand wrapped around John's arm. "That isn't human."

Teyla could see the Colonel's eyes narrow. "That's a child crying."

"It may not be," Teyla said quietly. She was unsure herself.

His gaze shifted to her. "You know this world?"

She nodded slowly. It certainly looked familiar, but in this light it was hard to tell. "I believe I have been here before, but I could be mistaken."

"Do you know where the village would have been? We can check there for survivors."

Hesitating she looked around, trying to place bright memories with this dark place. She eventually pointed the way the guards were ushering them. "I believe it is this way."

John nodded, glancing at their guards. "If we find survivors, I am helping them."

"Won't be any." The guard was curt, dry. Teyla ached inside, wanting to run, wanting to find the survivors, but her thoughts also went to her teammates.

"The Wraith rarely ever manage to get everyone, even when they try." John's voice held the same pain she felt. "I'm not asking for much here—just let us search for survivors, and give them addresses to planets where we know they'll be taken in."

"Move it."

They started walking toward the village. "We'll help you get whatever it is we're here for, and we'll return to your ship with you. But you can't tell me you don't want to at least give these people a chance somewhere else. Odds are good any survivors will be kids hidden by their parents."

The guards ignored Sheppard, moving easily along the well-worn paths. They had been here before, it showed in their body language, their confidence. "You have been here."

She didn't get an answer either, they just continued to hike, until the smoking ruins of a village were visible beyond the rise of the hill.

She paused, drawing her breath in. It was worse than a culling. "The Wraith did not do this," she said, her voice tight.

John's frame had gone completely rigid. "You fucking bastards. This wasn't a fucking culling. You killed them."

"The Wraith leave very few behind," one of the guards said, shoving John forward, down the hill.

"The Wraith don't burn everything in sight either. They don't give a fuck about structures."

The whine of an activating stunner and a hand around her arm forced her to pause. "If I hear one more word, she gets stunned and I send Hasani back to the portal to report in to Gamba. I am certain he will be more than happy to save a day's food ration."

John's eyes narrowed, and from the rapid rise and fall of his chest and the tight curl of his fists, he was fighting his instincts hard. But he didn't say anything, just glared.

The guard nodded. "Good. You will walk down and gather everything you can salvage. We will show you where to pile it. Tomorrow morning after we have a last look through the village we will pack everything up and head back to the ship. Understood?"

John stared for a moment before giving a curt nod.

They shoved Sheppard ahead, her own guard waiting several beats before pushing her to follow. The stunner, she noted, did not get put away.

They walked into what had once been the main square. The acrid smell of burned things was strongest here. They were shown where to pile the things they had scavenged, the guards taunting John, trying to get him to speak again.

But he held his tongue. They were each paired up with a guard and then sent to scavenge, finding food, clothes, trinkets. Anything that was in fairly good condition was taken.

They hunted for hours. Teyla caught glimpses of John when they returned with their goods, and she noted a few new bruises on his face and arms, and an expression that was getting tighter, more grim, with each encounter. By the time they were allowed to stop for the day, he looked almost wild.

They were led to a large dwelling, a fire burning brightly inside already. It seemed the pirates had made themselves at home. "You did well today," one of the guards said as they paused in the main room. "You have a choice. You can eat your evening meal here in front of the fireplace, or you can eat it in your room where you will stay until morning."

John glanced at Teyla, his lips tight. He didn't make a noise.

"I believe we would prefer the privacy," she answered for them, receiving a nod in return. They were led to a small interior room—with no windows—with a small room which Teyla assumed was a closet attached.

As soon as they were locked in, John slammed his fist into the wall. She didn't think he had made a sound since that morning.

"John…please," she said reaching out to him, but he brushed her away.

He prowled the room, anger and frustration in every line of his body.

"We cannot help these people, this village. Right now we can only ensure that Ronon and Rodney stay well by doing what they ask of us."

He whirled, glaring at her for a moment before his shoulders slumped and he just sat on the floor where he was standing. It was like all the fight had just drained out of him.

"Do you think this is easy for me, to steal from these people?"

He huffed out a breath, shaking his head.

Teyla sank down, her hand gently touching the side of his face.

His eyes closed, although there was a hint of moisture at the corner of one. He didn't pull away this time.

She pulled him forward, letting his forehead rest against her shoulder, her arms wrapping around him, holding him.

He shifted so his mouth was right against her ear. When he finally spoke it was barely a whisper. "They have a guard at the door. I make so much as a peep and they've threatened to have both Ronon and Rodney killed and their heads waiting for us when we walk back through the gate."

"John…" The word was whispered and painful. She tugged him closer.

He shook slightly, his words still so soft she could barely hear them. "We found a little girl, in one of the huts. She was still alive and they just... I couldn't save her. I tried, and that's when they made the threat."

Teyla was silent, her heart breaking just a little. She held him, trying to comfort him, trying to comfort herself.

He rested his head against her shoulder, and slowly the shaking stopped. He lifted his head and gave her a look that was so tired... He tilted his head at the bed, one eyebrow going up in question.

"We should eat a little something before retiring."

He shook his head, making a face.

Teyla nodded, her expression firm. "They will take it from us if we do not. A few bites tonight, and the rest for the morning."

He eyed the meal with active distaste. Looking at her, he made a gagging motion.

She handed him a piece of bread she tore off of the end. "A few bites. You would do not less for Rodney."

He gave her a look that very clearly said he knew she was playing him, but he took the bread and nibbled on it anyway.

"Good," she said offering a weak smile. They ate in silence for several minutes before wrapping up the rest for the morning. If they were able to keep it, they would hide the rest in their room for Rodney.

With a soft sigh, John gestured to her, and then to the bed, before slouching further down onto the floor, shifting around a bit to get comfortable.

Teyla rose to her feet, tugging John with her. She had no intention of sleeping alone. "Get comfortable."

One eyebrow went up.

"Thin blankets and no fire means it will get cold. I have no intention of freezing and both of us will sleep better."

He hesitated for a moment, before nodding. He crawled into the bed, under both blankets, then held out an arm for her.

She followed right behind, letting John tug her close to his chest, spooning up behind her. It was strange to do this fully clothed—boots and all—but it was for the best. They needed the layers for warmth and both of them would sleep like this.

They moved around a bit until he draped an arm over her waist, settling her firmly against his chest. She could feel the warmth of his breath against the back of her neck.

She missed this closeness, the comfort another provided. For as much as she knew this was the best, she was still tense. Once he slumbered she would relax.

Suddenly there was a warm breath in her ear, whispering softly. "You're going to have to relax if we're going to get any sleep."

"I know," she replied, her voice just as quiet.

"If you want to try a different way to share the bed..."

She shook her head. "Just…" She sighed. "I am simply remembering when I had someone to share a bed with. It has been…some time."

He was quiet for a moment. "You mean you and Ronon aren't..."

"No," she said, elbowing him. "What made you think—"

He oofed, then moved so his mouth was back near her ear. "I just assumed you were. You guys do the eye-fuck thing a lot. I didn't say anything because, well, pot, kettle, but also because I figured you would tell me when you wanted me to know."

"There is nothing to tell," she said, settling back into place.

"You'd make a cute couple."

"I thought we were sleeping."

"I could pass him a note after class for you." She could hear the smile in John's whisper, and recognized that he was trying to distract them both enough to be able to sleep.

"I was not suggesting I required anything, merely that it had been some time since I had an evening companion."

"I bet he would be fantastic in bed. Wild."

"And how would you know?"

She could almost feel the embarrassment coming off him. "Just a guess."

"Uh huh," she said, shifting back into him.

He huffed a chuckle, gave her a slight squeeze, then settled down.

Teyla felt herself drifting off to sleep a few minutes later, warmth surrounding her. They would get through this and would come out stronger for it.

***

His chant had become a mantra sometime in the middle of the morning. Wide open space, wide open spaces…

Rodney rubbed a shaking hand across his forehead, before digging back into the engine housing, trying to adjust some of the conduits that had been damaged—overloaded, blown to bits, take your pick—during their last encounter with something, someone.

He was tired, half out of his mind, and desperately hungry. They'd only been giving him enough food to keep him conscious, which meant that his attention span was somewhat shorter than normal and he was continually nauseous and shaky. He hated his body. He hated these people. He hated being the weak one.

He vaguely wondered if it was time for him to take himself off the team, to stay on Atlantis and let other people, more qualified people go off-world.

Taking a deep breath he tried to focus, tried to get back to work. He had a guard and the engineer kept an eye on him, but with the threat of the physical harm of one of his teammates hanging over his head, he wasn't going to do anything stupid. They watched him, checked his work, but more or less left him alone to do his job.

Sometimes he swore someone was talking to him and he'd glance up only to find a bored guard in the corner, looking the other way. Rodney would rub his hand over his forehead, knowing the lack of food and the small space—wide open space, wide open spaces—was starting to do something to his mind.

He didn't need the voices in his head telling him that the pirates were going to kill them. He already knew that. They'd be used until they had no more need for them and then they'd dispose of their bodies on some Wraith culled and pirate-ravaged planet where they'd be forgotten.

Rodney could sometimes even picture the village where they'd be left. Dark smoke spiraling up to the sky as Wraith darts screamed toward the gate, the planet's inhabitants silent in death or culled for a later feeding.

_It doesn't have to end that way._

Rodney picked up his head again, glancing around. The voices were getting clearer. It only meant he really needed to eat.

_Well, I'll give you that. Can you eat seed? I'll share._

Seed? He leaned back so he could see out of the opening, squinting toward the bird. God. He was anthropomorphizing the bird now. He was really starting to lose it.

_Really. If this is how you treat everyone who offers you help, it's a wonder you have any friends at all._

Rodney pressed the palm of his hand to his head, rocking back and forth a little. "I am not hearing this. I am not hearing this. This is all just a figment of my imagination." The words were whispered, harsh. He had to get back to work.

_Talking out loud to yourself makes you sound crazy. You should probably just stick to thinking it. Your thoughts are loud enough for me to hear, so vocalizing it is really just a waste of effort anyway._

No. This couldn't be happening. He was not talking to the voices in his head. Shifting forward again, Rodney tried to wipe away the sweat beading near his hairline as he concentrated on the panel in front of him. Wire A…the red one…yes, the red one needed to connect…

_To the blue one. Wow, you really are in a bad way, aren't you? Look, have some seed. I'll distract the goons for you—I like that word. You have a fascinating vocabulary. It's not much, but it's in my best interests to help you stay alive and coherent. I'll help you and your friends escape, but I want you to take me with you._

"Not listening. I'm not listening…" Rodney chanted quietly under his breath, the words ending in a desperate chuckle.

_Look, what will it take to prove to you that I'm not a figment of your imagination? In a minute I'm going to cause a commotion. They'll be watching me, so no one will be paying any attention to you for a few seconds. Grab a handful of the stuff they feed me. It tastes horrible, but it is nutritious._

"Not listening…not listening…" he said, hiccupping a little as he finally made the correct connection, moving to the next in line. This was easy. He knew how to do this, how to make this work. He just needed to concentrate.

The bright red bird in the corner suddenly started squawking loudly, flapping around the cage. Both the guard and Essien's attention was drawn to it. "Wha'the hell's got up 'is bum? Shut up stupid bird!"

Rodney felt his eyes widen as he watched the men go take care of the squawking bird, but Rodney just sat there watching. "Coincidence. Has to be a coincidence."

_Idiot. Eat while you can. I can't hold their attention much longer._

Rodney turned back to the panel, quietly breaking down in the corner because the bird was talking to him. The bird. With shaking hands he went back to work, humming to himself since it drowned out the voice, the voices.

_Do you want to die? Why turn down help, even if the source isn't one you expect? I'm as much a prisoner here as you are. We can help each other. They can't hear me, and they think I'm a dumb animal. I've heard stories that there were once humans we could talk to, but you're the first I've ever encountered._

"Birds don't talk. No, no they don't. As much as I really want someone to talk to so they can take my mind off this terrible, horrible gnawing in my gut, I'm not going to talk to a bird just because the voices I'm hallucinating tell me it's okay."

The guard glanced over. "Shut up. We're not keeping you here to talk. Keep working if you want to eat tonight."

"I'm working…I just…I really don't feel good right now," Rodney said.

The guard kicked out, catching him in the leg. "You're going to feel a lot worse when we kill your hulking friend because you refused to work."

"Please," Rodney begged. "I’m working. I am. I just…I can't. Things are blurring. I don't want to mess up anything."

The guard's eyes narrowed. "Are you refusing to work?"

"No, I’m not refusing. I’m trying to tell you, you hulking behemoth, that I'm liable to screw something up if I don't eat or rest."

 _Careful. If you push too hard, they'll just kill your friend._ The bird in the corner flapped.

"Screw up, and we'll kill all your friends while you watch."

Rodney glanced back and forth between the bird and the guard. "Please. I’m doing the best I can."

With another harsh glare, the guard tossed him what Rodney had learned was their equivalent of a PowerBar. "Keep working."

"Thank you," he whispered, his shaking fingers tugging open the wrapper. The first bite stuck in his throat, but he forced it down, knowing he needed what little energy and sustenance it provided.

_That was close you know. He could have gone either way. It seems to be against your nature, but you really do need to be more careful. It worked this time, odds are good it won't next time._

Rodney ignored the voice in his head, taking another bite of the bar. One more bite and he'd save the rest for later. He'd need it.

_Good thinking. Spread it out. If you hide it against your skin, under your shirt, they'll never know it's there._

He took his third bite and then folded the wrapper back, tucking it in his waistband. It would be safe there. They won't find it there. He moved back to the panel he'd been working on and rubbed a hand over his face, pulling his concentration together.

_They'll see it there. They're sharper than you're giving them credit for. Look, even if I am a figment of your imagination, you know it's good advice. Maybe I'm the more rational side of you, still able to think. You can spite yourself and lose the sustenance the rest of that bar will provide you later, or you can do the sensible thing and hide it so they won't find it._

"They won't look for it." Rodney kept his voice down as he began to work, his hands a little more sure.

_They will, and you'll lose it. Are you willing to spite yourself? Again?_

"My shirt covers it."

_And I'm telling you, they'll look for it there. You're not the first prisoner I've watched them do this to, although you are the first I've been able to warn. They won't search you completely, but they will check the obvious places._

"So where would you put it?"

_You have two shirts on, right? I'm picking that up from your mind. Put it low, but under that second shirt, against your skin. They won't pat you down, but I guarantee they'll pull up your top shirt to see if it's there._

"It's low. Under my waistband. Do you want me to shove it into my boxers?"

Rodney fixed two more connections before attempting to shift the bar further down, praying it didn't just drop down his pant leg and onto the floor. That would be his luck. The one day he needed tighty-whities and he didn't have any.

_Good. Look, I know it's not perfect, but this way you can keep it, and eat it later when you're starting to feel shaky again. If you need me to, I can distract them again while you do it._

Rodney chuckled to himself as he moved onto another panel, another connection. He was talking to a bird. A bird! He knew he would be spending a lot of time with Heightmeyer when they got back to Atlantis—if they got back.

_You talk to technology all the time. Why is it so strange that something living besides another human could communicate with you, too?_

"Because birds do not talk," Rodney whispered, connecting another disrupted circuit.

There was a rap against the side of the enclosure he was working in. "Are you talking to yourself in there? Freak."

_We could play this to your advantage you know. If they think you're losing your mind, they'll stop paying as close of attention. We can figure out a way to use that to escape._

"If you decide to keep this up it'll only get worse," Rodney said a little louder to make sure the guard heard.

There was another clank, making the machine reverberate all around him. "Keep talking back, and we'll start cutting parts off your friends. They don't need all their fingers."

"I'm working! Can't you see I'm working?"

There was another kick, but no answer.

Rodney settled into a rhythm, fixing circuits and conduits, re-routing around fried areas. His concentration was back, but probably only for a short time. He needed to work when he could.

The bird was quiet, letting him work without distracting him. So it was a surprise when it finally spoke again. _They're talking about stopping for the day. I heard them say two of your people are being kept on another planet tonight, but will be brought back tomorrow._

"John?"

_They didn't give names. But it sounds like you and the big guy they had with you yesterday are to be brought back to the same cell as last night, and the other two were taken through the Stargate—another nice word, that's a good name for it, better than 'Ring of the Ancestors'—and will be kept there until tomorrow morning._

Rodney felt his heart stutter for a moment, but quickly pushed it aside. They'd be fine. Teyla and John would take care of each other.

_They said they were being brought along on a collection mission, which means they razed some poor village, and now they're going to salvage anything useful. So as long as they don't fight, they shouldn't be harmed. These guys plan to kill you, but not yet. You have some time._

"Never enough time," Rodney muttered. "Never enough time."

_No, but they aren't looking to kill you tonight. You have a few days at least._

"Need to fix this. I need to fix this," Rodney said, licking his dry, chapped lips.

_You need to make progress. Once you fix it, that's when they'll kill you. Drag it out for as long as you can._

Rodney shook his head, rubbing the back of his hand across his forehead. Had to fix this. He could fix this.

_You want to get out alive, you'll fix things slowly._

The voice in his head was just an annoyance now and he pushed it aside, focused on the circuits, his shaking hands making the repairs carefully. It took him three times as long to do them as it should, but he was getting it done.

A kick to the engine casing made him start. "Hey you. Time to go back to your cell. If you're lucky, we'll feed you dinner."

Rodney jumped, his body sliding to the side as he looked up at the guard. "But I'm working."

That got a snort. "Good. But I'm tired of standing here watching you. Back to your cell. We'll bring you back tomorrow."

Rodney blinked. Once. Twice. "But I'm working." He didn't understand.

"Great. We've got a cracked one." The guard grabbed him and hauled him up. "Move."

Rodney let them manhandle him up, barely waiting until he was steady on his feet before they were dragging him down the hall, the small tool still in his hands. "But I was working. You wanted me to work. I was working."

"Essien, you sure you want this crazy fuck working on the engines?" The guard ignored him, talking instead to the engineer supervising.

"The Runner claims it's the lack of food and the small space." The guy—Essien—shrugged. "I think he's making it up, but Gamba wants the engines fixed and he's doing that."

"And what Gamba wants... All right, I'll haul our handyman back to his cell. See you tomorrow."

"We have to move to the primary systems tomorrow, so it'll be up on deck four."

"Right. I'll make sure this one's fed tonight. Maybe we can get something coherent out of him instead of rambling at the damn bird."

Essien laughed. "Talking to the bird?"

"He's been rambling at it all day."

"Make sure he's fed. We can't have any issues with the primary systems."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll give 'em a full meal tonight." Rodney was given a hard tug, propelled out the door and down the hall.

Rodney perked up at the mention of a meal. "I really need to eat."

The guard didn't respond, just brought him back to the cell and shoved him inside. "Dinner will be here shortly. Try anything when it arrives, and you won't eat shit tonight."

Rodney let the momentum propel him toward the bed, dropping onto it. He turned just as the door closed, locking him in. He looked at the tool in his hand for a long moment before a nagging in his head got him to dig into his pants to pull out the half-eaten bar. Tucking both under the pillow on the bed, he laid down, curling up on his side in an effort to stop some of the shaking and the nausea.

He didn't know how much time had passed when the door opened again. "McKay. You look like shit. They brought food."

"They made me stop working."

Ronon grunted and brought a tray filled with bread and what looked like cheese and fruits. "Already tasted everything. No citrus."

Rodney pushed himself upright and leaned back against the wall, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "What?"

"You need to eat." A piece of cheese was pressed into his hand. "You're getting fuzzy. This will help."

He ate it automatically. "I talked to a bird today," he said, blinking up at Ronon. "Said the pirates are planning on killing us."

"You need more food." Something else was handed to him.

He ate silently for a while, simply chewing everything as it was handed to him. "You're being awfully nice to be."

"You're team."

Rodney shifted on the bed, tilting his head a little so he could see Ronon better. He tossed the answer around in his head for a few minutes before nodding. It made a sense even his muddled brain could figure out.

"Okay."

"Eat. Then rest."

"Are you?"

The large man held up a roll with some cheese sandwiched in, eating it in three bites.

Rodney snorted. "You'll choke like that."

"I'm fine. Eat."

"And what do I tell Teyla when she finds your dead carcass on the floor?"

"Not gonna choke."

"So you claim now. Just wait until it happens. You won't be laughing then."

"Not laughing now." He gave Rodney a slightly quizzical look.

Rodney sighed. "This is too much like work sometimes," he said, taking another bite of food. He could feel his head clearing for the first time in days.

They ate in silence for a few more minutes, by silent agreement finishing off the fruit that might go bad, and leaving a larger portion of the bread and cheese. "Need to hide this. Don't know if they'll be fed as well tonight."

Rodney nodded lifting the pillow. Huh. He tugged out both items. He remembered the bar, not the tool. "I have this, too."

A slow smile spread across Ronon's face. "Good. Hide it too. It could be useful."

"You hide it," Rodney said, handing over the tool. "I need to pee."

Ronon took the tool and it disappeared into his hair.

"Huh," Rodney said, shrugging after a moment's consideration before shoving himself off the bed. Ronon caught him as he wavered, steadying him so he could head to the bathroom and take care of business.

A quick pee and a quick wash-down with a cloth and Rodney almost felt normal—almost. When he came back out, Ronon was lounging on the floor, his eyes closed. He could have been asleep for all Rodney knew.

"Take the bed." His teammate didn't even crack an eyelid.

"I was planning on it. My back and all. I need to be able to move in the morning."

Ronon grunted.

With a quiet sigh, Rodney climbed back onto the bed, tugging the blankets up over him. He was starting to fall asleep when Ronon spoke up again.

"Don't fix the ship too fast. Need to buy us time."

"The bird said so, too."

"You didn't talk to a bird."

Rodney shrugged. "A lot's really fuzzy, but it also told me that Sheppard and Teyla weren't coming back tonight."

"You probably overheard the guards talking. That's how I knew."

"Probably." A talking bird was just silly and impossible. Rodney didn't know why he'd even brought it up.

"They'll be fine, McKay. Sleep."

Rodney huffed, but got himself comfortable. Tomorrow was another day.

***

***

John wished he could kill people with the force of his mind alone.

When they were roused the next morning, dragged out of bed, the prick who had killed the little girl was smirking at him. John knew the same rules applied—he made a noise, and his team would be slaughtered. He didn't know if Fucker A had the power to call that shot, but he couldn't take the chance.

They did another sweep of the village, then branched out, looting the surrounding area. By the day's end, he was exhausted, and seeing Teyla again, whole and healthy if worn out, was at least a little comforting. They were ordered to help gather the goods and drag it all back, through the gate, and then to the ship. Along the way he saw the footprint he had left for Atlantis was gone—he only hoped it had been his people who had found it. Considering no one had mentioned it or beaten anyone for it, there was a good chance Atlantis had been the ones to see and then erased the print.

It was getting dark by the time they were being led back to their cell from the second night. John was pretty sure Teyla had been fed today, but since Fucker A had been his guard, the man had just smiled and said John could eat when he told them he was hungry.

The cell was quiet, empty, the rest of his team somewhere else—hopefully alive. Teyla ducked into the small bathroom, cleaning up, trying to get the dirt and the stench off of her.

John dropped to the floor, pulling his knees up so he could rest his forehead against them. He didn't know if talking would still get his people hurt, so he figured it was better to be safe than sorry. He wished Rodney was here. Just seeing he was still okay would help.

A gentle hand his shoulder made him look up. "The bathroom is yours."

He debated just staying where he was, but he knew she was right—he would feel better if he got cleaned up a little. With a short nod, he pushed himself up, wandering in to relieve himself and used a small piece of cloth to wipe down most of his body. It wasn't clean, but it was better.

When he emerged, Teyla pressed a half-eaten roll with meat and cheese into his hand. "Eat."

Where the hell did that come from? He raised an eyebrow at her, but nibbled on it. He wasn't hungry, but he knew it was because he was starving, and not because he wasn't actually hungry.

He managed to finish the food and was drifting a little when the door opened, emitting a dirty, dusty Ronon.

Lifting a hand, John gave him a little wave. He was glad to see him whole and looking like he hadn't sustained any more beatings. Now if only Rodney was returned in good condition, they'd be all right, for at least another night.

He took one look at John and raised his eyebrow. "You find the food I left?"

John nodded, smiling slightly in thanks.

"Where'd you go?"

John waved a hand at Teyla.

She took the hint and picked up the thread of conversation. "We were taken off-world, to... scavenge. They had... destroyed the world before we arrived, and killed all survivors. We were brought to help them look for anything valuable that could be salvaged."

"Find anything?"

"Trinkets. Nothing to warrant slaughtering an entire people." Her voice was harsh with suppressed emotion.

Ronon narrowed his eyes, taking into account their appearance, their body language before nodding. "What I thought. What's up with Sheppard?"

"One of the guards took exception to his protests, especially when they found a young girl. He tried to plead for her life, and was told if he makes another sound, both you and Rodney would be beheaded." She made it sound so matter of fact. John sighed softly.

"They won't do that yet. McKay's been working too hard for them. They need him."

"I do not believe he wishes to chance it. The guard was...taunting him. Yesterday and today."

"They should bring him in soon. Guards said they were finishing up."

"Good. It will be... heartening to see everyone is still in good health." She smiled slightly.

"They'll bring dinner soon, too. They've been feeding McKay a little more. Need to keep him focused."

"Then they have seen it makes a difference and we are not lying to them." She sat glancing at John. He smiled a little, but he was exhausted. It took effort.

The door opened again about a minute later and Rodney was shoved through, landing on top of John.

He made an oof noise, but otherwise didn't make a sound. Instead, he cupped Rodney's face, smiling. God, it was a relief to see his lover here and whole and not dead.

"Oh, god, sorry…I’m really not good on my feet lately…trip over things…oh…hi."

John's smile got a little wider. He leaned in to press a kiss to the tip of Rodney's nose.

"You're back. The bird said you would be back today, but, well, it's a bird, so what does he know?"

John couldn't stop both eyebrows going up. O...kay. He glanced at Ronon, hoping there was an explanation.

The Runner shrugged. "You ask him."

John made a face. Asking was a little difficult right now. He looked back at Rodney, and tried to look curious.

Rodney, though, was a little oblivious. He was scooting off John—barely managing not to knee John in the balls, heading toward the bed.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, John shot Teyla a desperate look.

"Rodney…" she began, only to be cut off as Rodney began speaking again.

"Oh, god, it feels good to lie down, makes the room stop spinning, too."

That got John up and to the bed like nothing else could. Frowning, he started to run his hands along Rodney's limbs, trying to feel for damage.

Rodney batted his hands away but John could feel the shaking, the trembling that wasn't from the strain of trying to hold himself up.

Leaning close, John had to risk words. He put his mouth against Rodney's ear, breathing softly. "Tell me what's wrong."

He could feel Rodney tensing under him, shifting away slightly. "What's wrong with you? What happened?"

"I was warned against making noise, any noise. I don't know if it's still in effect, and I'm not willing to risk it." Even his soft whisper felt a little rough for a day without any use at all.

Rodney's eyes were wide, the blue surrounded by a sea of white. It took him a moment before he spoke again. "This is…side-effect of not enough food. Nauseous, hallucinations if it gets really bad…this time I’m hearing voices which is always fun but it makes the day go fast…shaking, sweating…" Rodney shrugged. "It'll get better once I eat dinner."

Sighing, John glanced up at Teyla and Ronon. He opened his mouth to ask if there was any dinner left, then closed it again, huffing in frustration. Captain Fuckwad really needed to come rescind this particular threat or John was going to lose his mind.

"They'll bring it later," Ronon said. "Did last night. Brought more than before, too."

Nodding, John moved so he was sitting beside Rodney. He was trying to figure out how to convey that he wanted an update from Ronon on what had happened while they were gone when the door to the cell clanked open, and the Captain himself strode in.

"Well, well. It seems you've all managed to survive."

John rolled his eyes.

Gamba pinned him with his eyes. "Would you like to share that thought with everyone?"

He opened his mouth, then closed it, glancing at Teyla to give him an explanation.

But Gamba waved her off, his eyes on John. "Yera told me what happened and since you've helped bring back a large prize, I won't hold you to his threat. I'd just remind you to remember that what you say could still have an effect on your team."

John let out a sigh. "Whether you believe it or care, I wasn't actually irritating him for the hell of it. We found a little girl and this was my...punishment for trying to save her life."

"Yes, yes. So I was told. Do you think we have room for a sniffling child on board here? She's better off."

John was suddenly sick of this galaxy and everything it offered. "I wanted to send her through the gate to a world I knew would take her in. It wouldn't have cost him anything, and you know damn well I wouldn't have tried to escape with half my team here. But that's not really why you're here, is it?"

"No, I'm here to take your scientist to the bridge. There's some additional work I want

him to do tonight."

"You can take him, but he'll probably do more harm than good. He's hallucinating voices and can't walk in a straight line, not to mention shaking like a leaf. He needs more food than you're giving him to survive."

"He'll be fine. Right, Doctor?" Gamba said with an evil smile.

Rodney was sitting next to John, his eyes wide as he took everything in. John could see that he was a few steps behind, but quickly catching up.

"You can force him to work, but it's not going to do you much good when he starts making mistakes. And killing us won't stop it, because he'll be right behind us once his body goes into full shock."

"I have no intention of killing him. I'll make sure he gets dinner," the Captain said, gesturing for Rodney to rise. John had to help him up, one of the guards taking Rodney's arm once he was on his feet.

John watched them take his lover, mostly dragging him because he couldn't stay on his feet.

"Enjoy your evening," Gamba said, offering an insincere smile as he turned and left, the door closing and locking behind him.

Sinking back to the bed, John looked at his teammates. "Tell me one of you has an idea of how to get us the hell out of here while we're all still alive."

Teyla shook her head.

"You have the best chance," Ronon said, looking at John.

"Me? With my track record with these bastards, I'm going to get you all killed by accident."

"You and Teyla got off-world. Fewer guards than here. Get rid of them and go back to Atlantis."

"And leave you here to die?"

"Get help and come back."

Looking away, John finally nodded. "Give me one of your knives."

Ronon looked at him for a long moment before grunting, digging in his hair. He pulled out two items, handing them over to John. "McKay had this with him last night. It's a tool of some kind."

The knife John stashed in his boot. The tool... He knew the smile that curved his lips was probably anything but nice.

"Might be neater."

"I don't really care about neat. I can use this to hurt the sons of bitches."

Ronon shrugged. "Was talking about splatter. McKay tends to turn green."

"He won't be there." John tucked the small soldering laser away in his other boot. "All right, odds are good they'll take us off world again. As soon as we're through and the wormhole closes so there's no chance of calling for help, we'll take down the guards and go through to Atlantis. Get geared up, get a jumper, and hopefully be back before anyone here has had time to miss us."

Ronon nodded, Teyla matching his gesture. "McKay's been working too fast."

"He probably doesn't know half the time that he's working on enemy structures. And what the hell is going on with the parrot?"

Ronon shrugged. "He was out of it last night. Told me that the bird was talking to him."

"Great. We need to get him to Beckett as soon as possible before he completely loses his mind. With any luck we'll have a chance tomorrow."

"Think he knows it's in his head."

"I still don't like that he's hearing voices. And has decided they're coming from an alien parrot." John rubbed at his face. "I think I might have talked about pirates too much in his hearing."

Ronon shrugged.

"Perhaps it is his way of coping," Teyla said quietly.

"I'll still be a lot happier the sooner we get him out of here." John gestured at the bed. "Try to get some sleep. We both need to be ready when our chance comes up."

"Dinner's still coming." Of course Ronon was thinking about food.

John found a comfy spot of floor. "I had a little when we got back, so I'm going to try and get some sleep. Keep watch."

"Take the bed," Ronon said, settling on the floor.

"Teyla can have it. She got the short stick last night."

"McKay won't sleep with her."

"You think they'll bring him back tonight?"

"Yeah."

With a sigh, John nodded. "Wake us when they do, and we can shuffle then."

Ronon grunted and closed his eyes. Teyla settled on the floor next to the bed, her eyes on John.

"Do you always have to be this difficult? I'm trying to at least pretend to be something of a gentleman here."

Teyla smiled. "Yes."

Rolling his eyes, John fought the urge to stick out his tongue—he was older than twelve—and moved to the bed. He hoped they would bring Rodney back soon. Despite orders, he didn't think any of them would really sleep until they did.

The guards came in with dinner about half and hour later—and much more plentiful than the first two nights. After they'd eaten, leaving some for the morning and for Rodney, they settled back down to wait.

From John's estimate, it was nearly three hours when they brought him back, dumping the scientist on the floor and locking the door a beat later.

He was up off the bed and to the other man as soon as he heard the click. "Rodney?"

He groaned, trying to shove himself upright. He hissed and John saw blood in the corner of his lover's mouth. "Fine…I’m fine."

"What did they do to you?" With Ronon's help, they got his lover moved to the bed. John flashed Teyla a quick smile when the tray of food was close at hand as soon as they stopped moving.

"They have a Wraith tracker and communicator," Rodney replied, hissing a little as he leaned back.

That made all three of them suck in deep breaths. "What are they using it for? Worshippers?"

"I don't know. I was just finishing up with the repair Gamba wanted and a message came in. It was hard to miss. I might have…freaked out a little."

Quiet for a moment, John picked up a piece of food and held it to Rodney's mouth. "Nothing we can do about it right now. Everyone just needs to be doubly on guard. Try to eat as much as you can, and we'll all get some sleep."

Rodney pushed it away. "I ate."

"How much?" He did sound more coherent.

"Enough. I just want to sleep and forget everything—Wraiths, talking birds, space pirates, burnt circuits, three-legged dogs…"

"You've got a whole circus going on in that brain of yours." John gave in to temptation and brushed his lips across Rodney's forehead before popping the morsel into his own mouth.

Rodney snorted, but let his eyes drift closed. "No wonder I have a headache." He sighed, continuing a few beats later. "Explains why they can find recently culled worlds. Must have some kind of deal with the Wraith."

"As if this situation wasn't dangerous enough... Just keep up your strength and go as slow as you can on the repairs without getting yourself killed."

"I’m almost done."

"Stall then. Give us another day or two. After the ship is fixed, the reasons for keeping us all alive get a hell of a lot smaller."

"Huh. The bird told me that, too."

"Okay, you're starting to really worry me with the bird thing."

Rodney opened his eyes, looking blearily at him. John could feel the eyes of both Ronon and Teyla on them. "Why?"

"Because you're starting to blur the line between reality and your hallucinations. Come on, let's get some sleep, and hopefully there will be no more talking birds in the morning."

"Least the dog doesn't talk to me, too."

"Sleep." John firmly pushed his lover back into the bed.

"Ow ow…careful!"

"Where are you hurt?" John pushed a hand under Rodney's shirt, trying to feel for injury.

He hissed when John's hand ran over his side. "There…stop, now."

John felt carefully—nothing broken, and he didn't feel any open cuts. So probably a deep bruise. "How hard did they hit you?"

Rodney shrugged. "I was…yelling at the time."

"Ah, Rodney...." John sighed. "All right guys, we all need a good night of rest. Everyone find a spot and settle down."

"I’m not moving."

"No, you're staying there. Ronon and Teyla won't sleep on the bed because they want us to."

"Oh. Really?" Rodney opened his eyes again, glancing at his two other teammates.

Teyla laughed softly. "Yes. And John is right. You must get some sleep while you can."

"Of course, he's right. He knows my brain is very important…and my back. Are you sure you're okay with sleeping on the floor?"

She patted his shoulder, then gave John a gentle shove. "I am sure."

Rodney let John settle him, a sleepy, sad smile on his face as he just looked John over.

"Hey." John traced the line of Rodney's jaw. "Just hang on a little longer, okay? We have an idea to get us out of here, but I need you to stall for as long as you can fixing the ship when they come for you again."

"They're gonna kill us," Rodney said quietly without his usual flailing and panic.

"Yes." John let a hand settle on Rodney's chest, thumb moving in slow circles. "That's what they plan to do I'm sure. But we're not going to let that happen."

"Would certainly put a damper on whatever plans we had."

"Just trust me, okay?" John couldn't help himself, he nibbled a little along Rodney's jaw.

"I do," he said, closing his eyes and sighing quietly.

John hummed softly. They couldn't risk much here, but he had to taste. If anything went wrong...

Rodney sighed again, turning with a quiet hiss into John, burying his face in his shoulder, his arms wrapping around his body.

With another brush of his lips against Rodney's hair, pulling him close. The plan would work. It had to.

***

They came for McKay first thing in the morning, rousting him out of bed before he was even fully awake. Sheppard protested, but after a sharp look from Teyla he closed his mouth. They needed to escape and antagonizing the guards wasn't a step in the right direction.

When they came an hour later for him, Ronon went without argument, giving his teammates a nod. It said he'd keep McKay safe until they returned with reinforcements—if they were going off-world today.

It was their unspoken agreement.

They brought him down to the storage holds where he got to continue yesterday's job of heavy lifting. It was like they weren't sure what to do with him. As long as he was still on the ship and only a few decks away from McKay he'd be fine.

"Hey, you, be careful with those. You break anything, we break you, got it?"

"Not going to." He glanced over at the guard as he heaved a box into place.

He got a snort, but the guard pointed to where the box should be relocated.

Ronon moved it, stepping around a pile of crap that had to have come from the culled and pillaged world Sheppard had been to. "Where'd this come from?"

"None of your business. You're here to move it, not analyze it."

"Being friendly."

"Just move the boxes."

Ronon rolled his eyes, but fell into an easy rhythm. The guard was jumpy today, more so than yesterday.

Another guard joined the first about midday, and Ronon caught bits of their conversation. "I knew this was a bad idea from the start. They can't be trusted. First taking shots at us, and now this."

"It's bad enough Gamba made the deal in the first place," the other guard mentioned, digging through the pile in the center of the storage area.

"It might be time for a change in leadership. This is going to get us all killed or turned into snacks."

"You can't talk like that," the guard hissed. "He'll know and you'll be the one that gets left behind."

"So following blindly to our deaths is preferable? I'm not the only one thinking it. Everyone else is just too big of cowards to say anything. We shouldn't be trailing the damn Wraith around like good little pets."

"But you don't complain when it comes time to trade in the markets. We're the ones with the advantage there," he guard said, pocketing a few items. Ronon felt eyes on him for a moment, but he continued working. "Besides," the guard continued, his voice lower, "it could be worse. At least we're not going to be handed over to the Wraith."

"That you know of." The guard shook his head. "I don't like this, at all. They shot us down, and now we're giving them a tribute? A gift? It's insane."

"Hey, it's not my hide, so that's all I'm worried about. They seemed real interested in these guys so if it keeps us in their good graces until I can get out, that's fine with me."

"That's short-sighted, Gaalin. Sure, it might save our hides today, but what about tomorrow? I don't know about you, but I'd like to live long enough to spend some of this wealth."

"We're planning on a market day in a few weeks. Last until then and you can disappear."

"Right, because Gamba is so well known for just letting deserters walk away."

The other guard—Gaalin—sighed. "Look. You knew what you were getting into when you signed up. Sure, it's gotten bad, but Gamba treats us well. We live well. What more do you want?"

"I want to survive. I'm all for scavenging culled worlds, but right now we're no better than whipping boys for the Wraith, taking out worlds causing them trouble. And what do we get in exchange? We almost get blown out of the sky when one of the hives gets bored."

Gaalin shook his head, moving to the door. "You keep talking like that and Gamba will ship you out with the prisoners."

"Yeah yeah. I'll keep my mouth shut. I'm just saying, this is getting out of hand."

"It'll be different once we get rid of them."

"No it won't, and you're fooling yourself if you think it will. They're small stuff, around for a few days and then sold off. The real problems were here before them, and they'll be here after them."

"Think what you want, Maelin. Hell, do whatever you want. I know what I’m going to do."

"I know, I know. I'll keep the giant here busy for another couple of hours. Is the scientist almost done fixing the engines so we can get out of here?"

"Engines were done yesterday. Gamba and Essien have him fixing the navigation systems. Of course, Essien had to bring his stupid pets up to the bridge."

"What is it with him and those things?"

Gaalin shrugged. "I have no idea, but the scientist keeps talking to the damn bird."

"I can't believe we're trusting repairs to a crazy freak."

"He's faster and better at it than Essien on a good day. Maybe we should ask Gamba if he can change the deal and keep him around. Crazy or not, he knows what he'd doing."

"He seems pretty attached to the others. Keeping him around wouldn't be a bad deal, but we'd have to find something to keep him here."

"Not killing him?" Gaalin shrugged again. "But what are we talking about? It's not our deal or our decision."

Maelin shook his head. "I'll be up after I bring this one back to his cell."

"Yeah. I'll save you a seat."

"Thanks."

Gaalin headed out, leaving Ronon alone with Maelin. He was still arranging boxes, working constantly.

He didn't like where this was going. From the sound of it, they weren't planning on killing them outright. Instead they were going to be given to the Wraith. And Ronon couldn't imagine McKay as a Runner. He'd last all of three seconds. Sheppard and Teyla would survive for a while, but there was no way he wanted either of them living that kind of a life.

He quietly kept working, while assessing the area, putting it together with what he knew of where they were keeping McKay, and what he had learned from the first escape attempt. He knew Sheppard would order him to try and get McKay and get free as the first priority, and dying trying to escape was better than dying at the hands of the Wraith.

Ronon would give his team until the following morning. If they were still prisoners by then, he would make his move.

***

John both let out a sigh of relief and got a knot of anxiety when the guards came and informed them they would be participating in another off-world treasure hunt.

The bastard who had guarded John before was smirking. John couldn't wait to wipe it off his face.

"I'm looking forward to this trip," the guard said, his eyes focused on John. "Always good to bring back bounty."

Narrowing his eyes, John had to remind himself that picking a fight would be counterproductive for his plans for the rest of the day. It was tough to hold back though.

"What? Does the lambertt have your tongue or something?"

"My mother taught me 'when you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.' It's admittedly hard when dealing with pricks, but I try."

The guard straightened, his eyes narrowing. He might not understand the reference, but he knew it was an insult. He gestured for John to move. "We're wasting time."

With a smirk, John sauntered out. He had been walking the line between irritating and worth disciplining for half his career—this guy was a joke compared to some officers he had served under.

There were only three guards that went with them this time—the prick and his two buddies. That, of course, evened the odds a little.

John played nice, doing as he was told. He had to get him and Teyla through the gate and get the wormhole closed before they could strike. They couldn't give the game away early. He bit his tongue to keep silent.

But on the way to the gate, when the prick grabbed Teyla, John had to hold himself back.

"I could think of a lot more fun things we could be doing," he said, his tone and his body language leaving nothing to the imagination.

"You try it with her, and you won't be capable of having a good time anymore. She's being polite right now, but she could probably de-man you with her bare hands." John would fight now, if he had to. He wasn't going to let Teyla be raped. Period.

The guard didn't let go, but Teyla was shooting John a look to back down. "Perhaps another time would be more prudent."

Curling his hands into fists, John glared. He hoped this was just another attempt to goad him. If it wasn't...

"Nice and quick," the guard said, leering.

Teyla merely offered a tight smile. "Tonight would be more appropriate."

"Don't we have a quota or something we have to make today? Wouldn't want you to get in trouble with the boss." Keeping his voice level wasn't easy.

"He gives us some leeway. We'll make our quota. This place is loaded."

"But you never know what can happen off-world. Better safe than sorry, right?"

The guard snorted, turning to glare at John before shoving Teyla forward. "Are you looking for trouble? Or maybe you're interested in a little piece of the action of your own. We already know you like boys."

He would rather have the focus on him than Teyla, so John just raised an eyebrow and cocked his hips. "Are you offering?"

"For a piece of your ass? Maybe."

"Come see me tonight then. Maybe I'll be feeling generous."

"Nothing about generous. If I want it, I'll have it," the guard said, gesturing for John to move ahead of him.

"Ah, but sex with a willing partner is always more enjoyable than forced." John took a deep breath and deliberately let his walk turn seductive, feeling the hot gaze of the bastard on his ass. He was a little disturbed by how much he was looking forward to killing him.

"I’m not so sure about that. It's usually better to have them squirming under your hand, taking what you want."

"If you believe that then you haven't been playing the right games."

"I've played all the games."

Glancing back, John smirked. "Somehow I doubt that, if force is your preferred method."

"Trust me," the guard said smiling evilly. "It's the best way."

John was very, very glad they weren't planning on being around tonight. Ending a day with rape and probably being gang-banged wasn't his idea of a good time.

They moved silently the rest of the way to the gate, one of the guards standing before the DHD in a way so that John couldn't see the address.

A few beats later and the gate was active, his guard gesturing them forward with his stunner. "And don't think of trying anything."

"Would I do that?" John repressed a shudder as his ass was groped.

"Yes, you would, but I think I'm looking forward to tonight."

He wasn't expecting it, so John wasn't prepared when his guard suddenly grabbed him, pulling him in to a harsh kiss and biting his lip. He couldn't help it, he fought it, only to be shoved away. Panting, he glared, only to receive his own damn smirk back in response. Oh, yeah. He was going to really enjoy killing this fucker.

"See. So much better." The guard chuckled, shoving John forward. The other two guards had gone on ahead, Teyla following closely behind.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, John glared again as he straightened and stepped through the gate.

As soon as he stepped through on the other side, John noted that Teyla was already moving into position, getting up close to the other guards.

Perfect. John moved aside, as he had on the last planet, waiting for his guard to follow him. When the other man stepped through the gate, John dropped to one knee, pretending to adjust his shoe so he could get to the weapon concealed there as he waited for the wormhole to shut down.

The guard was lazy, thinking with his already hard dick.

A few beats later and the wormhole closed with a snap-hiss. The guard never heard the laser sealer come on.

John didn't move to kill—a quick death would be too good for him. Instead, he took him by surprise and disarmed him, tossing the stunner to Teyla who had surprised the other two. She subdued them while John focused on his 'admirer'. With narrowed eyes, he used the laser to cut off the limb the prick had been planning to use on John later. He wouldn't need it anymore.

While the guard was screaming in pain and shock—lasers were great for cauterizing wounds—John stalked around him.

"You like pain, like forcing people to your will, hmm? How do you like it from this end you sick fuck?"

The man couldn't even form sentences, let alone say any words, still clutching himself—or his lack thereof.

It was only the fact that he always kept a part of himself tuned in to his teammates in the field no matter what was going on that he didn't lash out when someone touched his elbow.

"John, we have incapacitated them. It is…enough."

Taking a few deep breaths, John forced the anger aside. Now wasn't the time. "We need to secure them so there's no chance of them getting through the gate to warn the others."

"I have secured the other men." She offered John a coil of rope.

"Killing him would be more efficient." He didn't usually like death, or being the cause of it. But after the torment of the first trip and then the promised rape on this one... he wanted this man dead so he couldn't hurt anyone again.

"John." It was only one word, but it was enough.

Flipping off the laser, he closed his eyes and nodded once. "Tie him up and we'll put him with the others."

Teyla nodded, moving forward. Ignoring the cries from the guard, she quickly bound him—hands behind his back, ankles secured together and then tied to his wrists in a hogtie. She added a loop around his neck as an afterthought. "Any effort at struggling to free themselves will prove to be…difficult."

Looking down at the prick—well, prickless now, and the thought gave John a fierce sense of satisfaction, followed by shame, both for doing it and then not regretting it. "You're lucky you're not dead. But if I ever see you again, I will rectify that."

"You…you…bastard," the guard spit, tears of pain rolling down his face.

Leaning down, John smiled a bit meanly. He was pretty sure he was going to hate himself for this later, but right now he didn't care. "I thought you liked using force to get what you want. Kinda sucks to be on the receiving end, doesn't it?"

"You fucking bastard. You won't get away with this."

"I could just kill you now."

"You are a dead man."

John pulled the regular knife from his other boot, making sure the other man saw it.

"Fucking bastard," he hissed. "Gamba won't let you get away with this."

"Gamba's not going to live long enough to be able to do anything about it." Teyla's touch on his arm again made John lick his lips and stand up, putting away the knife.

"We must go," she said quietly, brandishing one of their stunners. "I will see to the men."

He stared at his former guard a little longer, then nodded, turning away. "I'll dial home."

"Do you have a GDO?" she asked, the words stopping him.

"No." He rubbed his face. "I'll dial the alpha site. We can go through there, and they have one."

Her face was hard, but understanding. She was trying to get him thinking straight. He had to get his mind on the mission. If he didn't, he might end up killing them all.

John turned his back to Teyla, heading to the DHD. Even before he started dialing, he heard three shots from the stunner and then a quiet hum of accomplishment.

Nodding, he took a deep breath, forcing aside the anger that had overtaken him. The combination of his frustration at getting taken prisoner again, at being taunted and threatened, having his team beaten... it was no excuse and he knew it. But he could wallow in self-recrimination later. Right now he had a job to do. Dialing the alpha site, he glanced over to see if Teyla was ready.

She was standing beside him, her back straight, her "game face" on. Vaguely John realized that this was affecting her as much as it was him. "They will not follow us."

"Good." Reaching out, he squeezed her arm once. "We've repaid these... pieces of scum for their parts in killing innocent people. Let's go get our team and go home."

"They will only repay that debt when they are dead," she said tightly as the wormhole sprung to life.

Looking at her, he nodded. "But having their blood on our hands won't make us any better than they are. As much as I really want to hurt them... Right now I just want to get Ronon and Rodney and go home."

Teyla was silent as she stalked to the gate, stepping through without a second glance behind, knowing John would follow her.

Glancing back one more time at the unconscious guards, John took a deep breath, and followed her through. They were both probably going to need to see Heightmeyer when this was over.

As soon as he was on the other side, he was surrounded by his men.

"Colonel Sheppard! What happened? Major Lorne's been searching for you ever since you missed your check in," the young sergeant said, his eyes wide as he looked them over, probably taking in their rough and dirty appearances. "And where's the rest of your team?"

"It's a long story, Sergeant. The rest of my team is still in captivity. I need you to dial up Atlantis so we can brief Elizabeth and Lorne and put together a rescue team."

"Yes, sir. Right away, sir," he said, gesturing for another of the gawking Marines to dial the gate. He needed to train these men again if he got this kind of reaction to a surprise visit.

He added it to his mental 'to-do' list and borrowed one of their radios as the wormhole engaged. "Atlantis this is Sheppard from the Alpha site requesting permission to enter the city."

It was a few moments before the response came back. Elizabeth. "John? What are you doing at the Alpha site?"

"Sir, the code's been sent through. You're clear to go," the sergeant said quietly.

John nodded at his Marine, responding to Elizabeth. "We were stripped of our gear, including our GDOs. I'm coming through now."

"I'll have Major Lorne meet us in the conference room. Atlantis out."

John stepped through, immediately getting flooded with the awareness of his city. It was comforting, and washed away some of the lingering anger tinting his thinking. He strode straight to the conference room, knowing Teyla was right behind him. "I still have two team members in captivity, Elizabeth. I'll give you a short briefing now, but then I'd like to put together a rescue team in jumpers to retrieve them. We have a short window before they realize Teyla and I escaped, and I don't want to blow it."

Elizabeth's face was open, showing her surprise at his words and her relief that they were there. Lorne ran into the room only a few seconds later.

"Sir, we've been looking—"

He sat down, knowing he had to be more coherent if he wanted to get this done quickly. "Sorry, it's been a long couple of days, and it isn't over yet. When we stepped through the gate, Rodney picked up strong power signatures the MALP had missed. We went to check it out and found a space-capable ship crawling with an unknown force. We attempted to withdraw, but they have some sort of personal cloaking technology and captured us. We subsequently discovered that they are space pirates, and they were shot down by the Wraith.

"They've had Rodney fixing the ship, and the rest of us...running errands. I can brief you more on that later. For now, all that's really important is that they were sending Teyla and I off-world to scavenge for them. We used the opportunity to take out our guards and escape. We were expected to stay overnight, but I don't know if they were checking in regularly. For now, we have a small window where the main ship won't know we've escaped, so we can get in to retrieve Rodney and Ronon, who are still there."

"A ship, sir? We've been back to the planet and haven't seen anything. No energy reading, no ship, no nothing."

"They got the cloak working somewhere on the second day. Our LSDs can't pick up their lifesigns either, when they have either the larger one for the ship or their smaller, personal versions engaged. When we were first captured, I tried to see if it was possible to negotiate and get one of them, but they turned out to be... unenthusiastic about the idea."

Elizabeth's eyes narrowed. "Do you have a plan in mind?"

He nodded. "I want to take in three cloaked jumpers of Marine strike teams. Two teams will go in for our people, while the third stays in the area as support if it becomes necessary. Ideally, we'll get in, quietly take out anyone we encounter, get our people, and get out before an alarm goes up."

Elizabeth nodded, curtly. "Will three be enough?"

"They have more men than we do, and they're more likely to throw lives away to win if we turn it into a battle. I'm hoping a smaller team can get in and out before that becomes an issue. However, the third team will remain in touch with Atlantis, with the authorization to call for more men if the situation is escalating out of control."

"You know where the ship is, sir?" Lorne asked.

He nodded. "Yes. They can't take off yet because the engines are still down. Teyla and I made the trek from the ship to the gate several times, so we know exactly where it is."

Lorne nodded. "Good. I'll get the Marines geared up. You want Beckett along in the third jumper?"

John hesitated, then shook his head. "No, let's leave him here on alert. Last I saw my team no one was so bad they would need emergency care, and I'd rather not risk him if we don't have to. McKay wasn't being fed enough and was being forced to work in a small space though. He was hallucinating voices, so I'd rather have Beckett here ready to receive him."

Lorne's eyes widened and John heard Elizabeth's in-drawn breath. "We'll, make sure Carson's ready for you," she said a moment later.

Lorne nodded. "Give me fifteen minutes and we'll be set."

"Good." John gave them both a tired smile. "Teyla and I need to get geared up again, and we'll meet you in the bay. I'll lead one team, and she'll lead the other since we have at least some knowledge of the layout of the ship. Lorne, I want you to remain in the third jumper leading the back-up team."

"Sir, it would be better for me to be with you or Teyla if you need to go on the ground. You're exhausted, sir, and need a good pilot."

John held his second's gaze for a moment. "If you can provide me with an acceptable alternative to lead the third team by the time I get to the bay, I'll consider it. But I will be flying one of the jumpers, and I will be leading the effort. Tired or not, that's my team, and I'm the only one besides Teyla who has some idea of what we're going in to."

"No disrespect intended, sir," Lorne said, straightening up, "but I don't think that's a good idea. I'll take jumper one and have Abrams and Peterson as pilots for two and three. You can take the lead for strategy and direction."

"You can come along as my co-pilot, Lorne, but I'm flying jumper one."

"No, sir, you're not." He stood straighter, crossing his arms over his chest.

John stood up, not backing down. "That's not your call, Major."

"Actually, John, it is." Elizabeth's voice was quiet, but it cut through the tension like a newly-sharpened knife.

He didn't look back, but his lips tightened. "We don't have time for this. I'm fine, and half my team is still out there. You can relieve me of duty when this is over if you feel you need to, but this isn't the time."

"It's SOP, John, and you know it. Let Lorne take the lead and go get your team. No one's stopping you from going."

He really hated it when Elizabeth felt the need to undermine him. He liked her a lot, but times like this he hated her a little. Especially when he was making an effort not to be unreasonable. "Fine. I don't have time to argue with you. You're losing time, Major. You now have ten minutes to gear up and meet me in the bay."

"We'll be ready in five," he said with a nod, already heading out the door. He tapped his radio on the way. "Search teams one, two, and three report to the jumper bay. Five minutes."

When the major left, John looked back at Elizabeth. "We can talk about this once my team is back safely."

"There's nothing to talk about," she said firmly. "It's standard procedure. You've been gone for days. And I'm not trying to undermine your authority. You need to remember that you're not the only one who wants to get Ronon and Rodney back, John. We've been looking for days. Lorne has several contingency plans already in place and he's ready to go. Let him do his job."

He nodded shortly. "Fine. When I get back, I'll give you a more complete briefing."

Elizabeth nodded and offered a smile. "Bring them home."

He gave her another short nod and headed out, detouring to the armory to gear up. Already plans and ideas and contingencies were forming in his head, as he tried to come up with every possible scenario he could think of, along with a way to counter it.

The jumper bay, when he arrived, was swarming with Marines. It looked like Lorne had set up eight per jumper and a small armory on each of them. Elizabeth wasn't kidding when she said that Lorne had plans in place.

Perfect. He went to Jumper One, after assigning Teyla to Jumper Two as that team's strike leader. Moving to the front, he actually wasn't really thinking about it, or trying to be mulish, when he dropped into the pilot's chair and started the preflight, his mind several steps ahead already.

"Sir, if you don't mind, you're in my seat," Lorne said quietly.

"Hmm?" John split his attention between the other man and the jumper systems.

Lorne gestured to the empty co-pilot's seat. "Your seat awaits."

Looking up, John caught Lorne's gaze. He wanted to push it, needed to be the one flying.

"Sir." John could hear the sentences left unsaid. Don't make a scene. Don't be stupid. Let me help. Let me do my job.

Biting back a sigh, John rose and moved to the other chair. Keeping his voice pitched low, John stared out the front window. "I'm still calling the shots. I'm still leading the team in. I might be tired, but I have knowledge of their systems, personnel, and the layout of the ship, and you don't."

Lorne slid into the pilot's chair, the HUD automatically activating for him. "I’m not arguing that, sir. But you can focus all your attention on strategy and let me do the physical part. If you can link into the HUD as well, that would help."

Snorting, John did, letting himself sink into the systems. He couldn't help the flare of satisfaction when the ship, recognizing him, started to give him full control despite not being the designated pilot. It was kind of nice to know his favorite jumper liked him best too.

Lorne sighed. "Sir, I don't want to fight you."

"I didn't do that on purpose, Major." John let his lips curve into a slight smile, then nudged the jumper, telling it Lorne was going to be flying this time out.

It took a few seconds before the jumper switched over and Lorne offered John a smile and nod before pressing the radio. "Jumpers prepare for launch. We'll cloak as soon as we're through. Three remain in position at the gate once we're through. Two, you'll follow me in."

Acknowledgements echoed through the cockpit as the rear hatch closed.

"Launch to jumper one, you are clear for departure. The gate is dialed and you're ready to go."

"Acknowledged, flight. Jumpers one, two and three are ready to depart."

And before John knew it, they were lifting off. Talk about a fast pre-flight. No wonder Elizabeth said Lorne had things under control.

As soon as they were through, John brought up a map, highlighting the area where the ship was located. "Jumpers, you should be receiving telemetry data now. The highlighted location is where teams one and two will be going in."

The acknowledgements came quickly over the radio and Lorne was already heading to the location, his flying tight, sharp.

John was already tensing up, adrenaline washing away his exhaustion. "The enemy has cloaking devices, both for their ship and for their personnel. Everyone stay sharp—the LSDs won't pick them up if they're cloaked, so you're going to have to rely on your other senses for this one."

"Sir," Lorne said, his voice strange. "I'm getting an energy reading."

Snapping back into focus, John saw what he did. "Fuck. Rodney must have repaired the engines enough to get the damn thing off the ground."

It was strange. One second there was nothing and then the ship appeared—the huge ship, already several hundred feet off the ground.

"Fuck fuck fuck." John stared at it. If it got out of the atmosphere, it would be gone. He closed his eyes briefly. He knew the call he had to make, and he hated it, hated that it had to be him who gave the order. "Shoot it down. Try to aim to disable not destroy. Don't let it leave this planet."

Lorne's voice was tight. "Weapons controls are transferred to you, sir."

John shoved down his anguish. Even if they kept the ship on the ground, the odds of both his teammates making it out of this unharmed, much less alive... "Targeting online. Jumper One, firing."

The drone streaked away from the jumper, heading to the pirates ship. John kept it on target as Lorne stayed with the ship, pacing it as jumper two swung around to the other side.

He scored a direct hit—apparently the ship had a cloak, but the shield was still down. John targeted again, firing another drone. "Jumpers Two and Three, fire at will. Suspected vulnerable areas should be coming up on your HUDs now."

"Sir, hang on, I'm getting sensor reports of secondary explosions," Lorne reported. "Ship's losing altitude."

John nodded. "Jumpers, hold your fire." Staring at the HUD, he kept himself focused on the task at hand, not letting himself think beyond it.

The second drone scored another hit, deep on the side, burrowing into the ship. John watched at it began to list to the side, struggling to stay up.

Swallowing hard, John watching as several parts of the ship exploded, and the whole thing crashed back to the ground hard. When he spoke again, he was surprised his voice was steady. "Teams one and two, prepare to land and infiltrate. We find our people and get out. Assume hostile activity and take the necessary steps."

Acknowledgements came quickly and Lorne was landing even faster, getting as close as he dared.

Rising, John glanced at Lorne. "Someone needs to stay with each Jumper to be prepared for a quick evac. And it's not going to be me."

"The pilots will stay with the other jumpers. Harrison will remain here with jumper one."

"Fine." Moving to the back, John stepped out, tightening his grip on his P90. "We're not here to cause a slaughter—shoot to disable when possible, deadly force is a last resort. Our objective is to retrieve both our missing personnel and get out. Team two, you're going after Ronon. We'll go after McKay."

Abrams' second, Weller, gave John a quick "yes, sir", appearing out of the cloaked jumper a few beats later followed by six Marines and Teyla.

John nodded, taking in all his men. "I want check-ins with Jumper Three from both teams every five minutes. Get in, get out, do it fast."

After nods all around, John headed in, running toward the smoking ship. The ground was torn up, the nose of the ship dug in deep. It would be hell moving around in there.

He slowed once they were inside, letting his eyes adjust. He pointed the direction they wanted to go, letting Lorne take point. They encountered several of the pirates, but the encounters were short and easy. They got through two check-ins before they made it to the area where he hoped they would find Rodney.

The engine room was a disaster. Several men had been in the section when the drones had hit, all of them caught in the explosions of the panels in the room. One was still breathing, but that wasn't for long.

John felt like all his emotions were completely dead. He surveyed the bodies impassively, and refused to let the relief that none of them were wearing an Atlantis uniform break free.

He gestured for Lorne to head back out. A burst from the second team reported finding Ronon—battered and bloody and unconscious—in the storage rooms below decks.

John swallowed his anger and fear for his teammate, calmly telling them to get him and get out. "My team is heading to the bridge area. Other than the engine room, that's where they had McKay working."

"We shall bring Ronon to the jumper," Teyla said, her voice tight.

"Good. Get him in and head back to Atlantis. Jumper Three will wait for us to retrieve McKay and can provide assistance if necessary. Get him home, Teyla. Beckett is waiting."

"Yes, sir," came the response from Abrams, listening in from the jumper.

John returned his attention to his own team. "Let's move out."

Lorne shifted to let John lead the way. "You know where you're going, sir."

Without a word, John took point, slowly making his way back to the bridge, where he had first met with the Captain. God, he hoped Rodney... But he wasn't going there. Not yet. He had a mission to complete first.

They moved up a few decks, meeting far less pirates the further they moved into the ship. It seemed that they were getting out when they could. Every man for himself. The deck plating angled downward, the nose of the ship buried into the landscape.

As they got closer to the bridge, the buckling of the metal was more evident, the smoke thicker, electrical fires burning throughout the corridors and rooms.

God, god, what had he done? John shoved the thought down again—he was going to be a wreck later with all this repression he knew—and kept moving. Finally, they came to the bridge doors, two Marines prying it open while John and Lorne stood at the ready.

Whatever electronic systems on the sip were long since fried. Smoke billowed out as soon as the doors were open an inch. Muscle and determination got the doors open, one millimeter at a time.

But there was noise. The rustle of fabric, a suppressed cough. Someone was there.

John moved in slowly, gun first. Visibility was almost nothing, so he used the sound of the coughing to guide him.

He almost tripped over the person—one of the bridge crew—fabric pressed over his nose and mouth. "Help us, please."

The urge to leave them to die was strong, but John's conscience kicked in. "Can you walk?"

The pirate nodded, but groaned when he tried to push himself up. Lorne moved in close behind John. "We'll get him out."

After a brief hesitation, John nodded. "How many people were up here when you crashed?"

"Ten or so. Couldn't get out. Door was stuck."

John gave another curt nod. "We'll help any survivors. Jenkins, Murphy, stay with him. Everyone else, fan out to search the deck for survivors. Shout out once every minute or so as to your status."

They moved out and less than a minute later John heard the first report.

"Dead."

It was quickly followed by four others.

Chest tight, John called out his own "Dead" as he stumbled over a pirate.

Six dead. One alive. They weren't good odds.

"Sir! Found him." That was Lorne.

"Status?" He braced himself for the worst.

"Under some debris. I have a leg." John heard the groan of metal as Lorne shifted it.

"Peters, take up the search for survivors from here. I'm going to assist Lorne."

"Yes, sir," the young man said, moving past John.

"Have another one here, sir. Unconscious."

"Get him to the entry point. We'll move everyone out together." John responded, finally getting to Lorne. Together they pulled Rodney free, and with hands that only shook a little, he checked for a pulse.

Rodney shifted under him, his eyes blinking open as soon as John's hand touched his skin. "What?" He was dirty and bloody—a head wound up near his hairline was the culprit for that, but he was alive.

Alive, alive alive. Oh thank god... John forced himself to focus again. "Come on, McKay, time to go home. Can you stand?"

"What? Someone fired on us. Bird yelled at me to move, to hide under the console. Where is it? I have to bring him."

Blinking, John exchanged a worried look with Lorne as they hauled Rodney to his feet. Thankfully, his lover seemed to be more or less whole, other than the cut. "I had to fire on the ship to keep it from taking off. Come on, we need to get you out of here and to Beckett."

"Nononono, wait. I need to find the bird. I promised him I'd bring him with us."

"There isn't a bird, Rodney. It's just a hallucination." John tried to steer him in the direction of the door, but the other man broke free.

He lurched to the side, Lorne managing to keep him on his feet. But he shoved the Major away, his hands digging at another section of the ceiling that had collapsed. "I'm coming. I know you're there. Give me a minute."

"Rodney..." John followed him, pulling up short a moment later when a bright red bird worked its way out of the area Rodney had cleared. "Holy shit, there is a bird!"

Rodney glanced over his shoulder, his eyes glazed but focused. "Of course. Did you think I was making it up?"

"You were a little...out of it." John helped him clear the rest of the debris so the animal could get completely clear.

It walked up Rodney's arm, settling on his shoulder. "Okay," the Canadian said with a nod. "We can go."

Fighting the urge to make another comment, John turned back to the task at hand. "All right, everyone reconvene at the entry point. We're moving out."

After a series of "yes, sirs", John and Lorne headed to the door, steadying Rodney as they went.

"No, it'll be fine. Trust me," Rodney said quietly, his head turned toward the bird.

"Rodney?"

"What?" he said, turning to look at John. "He's worried about leaving Essien, but I think he's dead."

Okay, now was not the time to get into a debate about it. John decided to humor his lover until Beckett could look at him. "There were only two survivors we could find. I don't know if your Essien is one of them, but if he is, my men have him. We're getting both men we found outside."

Rodney turned to the bird. "See, I told you it would be okay, that John would come back for us…okay, come back for me, but I promised you I'd bring you with so it's the same thing."

Feeling a little silly, John looked at the thing on Rodney's shoulder. "Um, Bird? We need to get out of here, and I need Rodney's concentration. So if you could...not talk to him until we're outside? I'd appreciate it."

Oddly enough, John swore he heard the bird say he would. Rodney just scowled at him.

Shaking his head, John returned his attention to his lover. "The going is a bit difficult, and we're still technically in enemy territory. Stay in the middle of the group."

"Do you think I’m stupid? I have no intention of staying behind."

"I wasn't suggesting that, McKay." John moved forward, taking point again. "All right. Let's get the hell out of here."

They moved out quickly—or as quickly as they could with two pirates and Rodney and a hard climb uphill.

Not to mention Rodney's parrot.

Finally John saw daylight. "Jumper Three, this is Sheppard. We're in sight of the exit. Jumper One, as soon we we're on board, take off and everyone head for home."

"Jumper two is ready to go."

"Head home Jumper Two. Jumpers One and Three won't be far behind."

"We'll wait. Some of the pirates have been…enthusiastic."

"Attacking the jumpers?"

"Just watch yourself as you leave, sir," Abrams said. "Jumpers are clear so far."

"Understood. Sheppard out." He looked at his Marines. "The other teams are reporting heavy activity on exiting. Be prepared to use necessary force to get us back to the jumper."

His men acknowledged the comment with nods, the ones with their hands free of bodies, moving forward.

"John? Can we go home already? I'm getting really sick of the smell of this ship."

"Yeah, me too, Rodney. Let's get out of here." They moved cautiously, subduing a few pockets of resistance as they went. They left the two pirates they had rescued from the bridge at the exit, and he was beginning to think it was almost too easy when the Captain himself was suddenly in their path, surrounded by probably fifteen men.

"So this is how you thank me," he said, glowering down at John.

Moving to the front of the group, John glared. "Thank you? For what, threatening my team, beating them, and making it pretty clear you planned to have us killed when we ceased being useful? Did you really think I would just roll over and accept that?"

"For bringing you into our fold, our family."

Raising both eyebrows, John shook his head. "You didn't make us family, we were prisoners. In fact, when I tried to deal with you, you shot me down. Step aside and let us pass—we haven't been killing your men, and your ship is damaged, not destroyed. Stand down and we can part as uneasy allies instead of enemies."

"You're not leaving with him." Gamba pointed at Rodney. "He stays."

"No, he doesn't."

"Essien's dead. I need him."

"You can't have him. He's mine."

The sound of stunners warming up surprised all of them—especially Gamba and his men. "Move out of their way," came the order from Teyla. "We will shoot you if you do not move."

John smirked slightly. "You aren't the only one who knows how to move quietly in a forest. Stand aside Gamba. You've lost this round."

John saw Gamba start to move, but Lorne was faster, his P90 aimed over John's shoulder. "I wouldn't if I were you."

John stepped forward once, twice, until he was almost on top of the captain. "I'm coming through."

Gamba smiled, his mouth twisted as he stepped to the side. "Go ahead, Colonel."

Knowing his men were all on high alert, John kept his eyes on Gamba, but addressed his men. "Move out."

A few moved past, Rodney among them, helped along by Lorne. It was the squawk of the bird that told John they were in trouble. One of Gamba's men had grabbed Rodney as he was passing by, dislodging Lorne and the bird as an arm wrapped around the scientist's neck.

The cock of guns and stunners was loud. "Let him go."

"I said he wasn't going with you," Gamba said evenly.

"And I said that wasn't an option." John narrowed his eyes, bringing his own P90 to bear on Gamba. "Order your men to release him or this is going to get bloody."

It was the bird that tipped the scales, launching itself at Gamba, beak aiming for the soft part of his eye.

John swore someone said, "Stop it! You're hurting him!" but he couldn't be sure.

Instead, he took advantage of the distraction, trusting Lorne to free Rodney while he took Gamba down. Putting a knee in the middle of the man's back and the barrel of his gun against his head. He carefully lowered his free hand to the bird, letting it hop on and then moving it to his own shoulder. "Lorne, do you have McKay?"

"Affirmative, sir," Lorne said, McKay's hacking cough a moment later coming from several feet in front of John a confirming sound.

"Take three of the men and get him to the jumper. The rest of you, keep your weapons trained on the enemy. They so much as twitch, shoot to kill."

John heard Lorne ordering two men to accompany him and then they moved off, leaving John with the rest of the Marines and the pirates.

He waited until he had confirmation that they were back at the jumper before doing anything else. "Well, Gamba? What's it going to be? Am I going to have to kill you to leave? Because if I let you up and you try anything else, you're dead."''

"You're going to be a wanted man, Sheppard. Doesn’t matter either way. You fucked over the wrong people."

"I'm already a wanted man, by a lot of different people. And might I remind you—you started this little fight. I tried to leave, and then I tried to negotiate so we could be allies. It wasn't until you decided to turn me and my team into slaves until you could kill us that our relationship soured."

"So you say."

"That's how I read the situation, Gamba. If you had something different in mind, you should have spoken up when you had the chance instead of ordering my team beaten, and threatened to kill them if we stepped out of line."

"You just don't understand how things work here, Sheppard. And you never will. Kill me or don't kill me. Up to you."

"Maybe not, but then, you never gave me the chance, did you?" John stood up, backing away but keeping his weapon steady. "You'll find the men sent through the gate to guard Teyla and I tied up nearby. One of them needs... medical attention. If you decide being my ally is worth more than holding a grudge—and I promise you it is—then maybe we'll meet again.

"Oh, we'll meet again, Sheppard," Gamba said, shifting so he was sitting up. There was blood dripping down his cheek from where the bird had made contact. "Count on it."

"When we do, just remember that I could have destroyed your ship and killed most, if not all of your men, and I chose not to." He gestured to the Marines to form up. "Jumper Three, this is Sheppard. We're heading back, cover our retreat."

"What about the injured ones, sir?" One of the Marines asked quietly.

"Their people can take care of them. If anyone asks for sanctuary we'll provide it. Otherwise, we've fulfilled our duty getting them free of the damaged areas."

It was uneventful the rest of the way to the jumpers, the men from Jumper Two heading there with Teyla as soon as John stepped inside his own jumper. Rodney was seated in the back, one of the Marines helping him to sit upright, carefully checking the cut on his head. Lorne was at the controls, waiting for the last of the search team to step on board. As soon as the last set of booted feet hit the inner compartment, the door was closing and they were on their way.

"Jumper One, to Jumper Three. We're headed out. Dial the gate. Plan C."

John moved to the co-pilot seat, ignoring the looks from the men at the bird still perched on his shoulder. "Plan C?"

"Transfer through a deserted planet before heading to Atlantis. I don't want them following," Lorne said as he brought the HUD up, checking on jumper two behind them.

"Good call. As of now, I'm officially handing off command of this mission to you Major. Get us home." He slumped into the seat, closing his eyes, although he didn't let himself feel everything just yet. There were too many eyes around.

_You did really well. Even better than Rodney thought you would._

His eyes snapped open again, and he looked at the parrot on his shoulder. "Oh my god, either I've finally lost it or you really do talk."

"Sir?" Lorne glanced over at him, shooting him an odd look.

John stared for another moment, then closed his eyes again. "You know what? I don't think anything in this galaxy surprises me anymore."

"Me either, sir. Me either," Lorne said, turning back to the controls as they rushed through the gate, hovering in the air as jumper two followed them through. It shut off a few beats later and they dialed again.

They ended up on the Alpha site and Lorne toggled his radio. "Keep an eye out for any stray travelers after we head back out. I don't think anyone followed, but keep an eye out."

"Yes, Major."

Once all the jumpers were clear, they had one last transfer through the gate. When John saw the city he felt the relief settling in. They were home. Finally.

As they settled in the bay, John glanced at his second. "Clear everyone out and get anyone who needs it to the infirmary. I'll follow shortly. I... need a few minutes to get myself together."

Lorne nodded, letting the automatic controls finish their docking. The bird fluttered from Sheppard's shoulder to Lorne's before transferring itself back to Rodney who was on his feet—albeit unsteadily. Beckett was on the Canadian as soon as the doors opened, leading him to the awaiting gurneys and wheelchairs. Carson was certainly prepared for anything.

John stared out the window of the jumper. Once everyone was gone, he leaned forward, putting his head against the console. He knew from past experience that the best way to handle this was to just let himself feel it all, all at once, and get it over with.

When he finally pulled himself together, staggering to his feet, he was surprised to find Lorne standing guard at the doors to the bay.

"Major?" He blinked a few times. God, he was getting too old for this.

"You ready to head down to the infirmary?"

"Not really, but I know I don't have a choice. Any word on McKay or Ronon?"

"I didn't call down, sir. Figured Beckett was busy enough without me yelling in his ear." Lorne moved out, walking slowly.

Nodding, John paced him. "Did I miss anything exciting while I was gone?"

"Apart from Zelenka's still blowing up? No."

"The still blew up?" John shot him a surprised look. "God, were there riots?"

Lorne chuckled. "Not yet. It's not common knowledge. Right now it's labeled as a lab accident. I had a talk with him afterward."

"You know what, I think I'll leave that one in your capable hands."

"Thanks, sir," Lorne said sourly. He continued a beat later. "I'm sure McKay's fine."

"I know." John took a few deep breaths. "And Ronon will be, too. They're both in good hands."

Elizabeth was at the bottom of the stairs as they slowly made their way down, her hands clasped together, wringing slightly. "John, are you okay?"

Pausing, he curled one corner of his lips up. "I didn't take any beatings. It was more fun to play head games with me."

"Rodney's bruise…" she said, her one hand drifting to the left side of her face, "looked painful, but old."

"He took the bulk of his beating the first night we were captured. We had attempted to escape. Ronon was pounded into the ground to teach me a lesson, and the same was done to Rodney to teach Teyla. They wanted to make sure we understood that if we did something they didn't like, it would be our teammates who would pay the price."

"Ronon?" Elizabeth's eyebrow rose.

John fought the urge to sigh. "Ronon and I were taken to the bridge for questioning, and Rodney and Teyla were brought to a separate location. I had already established myself as the team leader, so they considered the failed attempt my fault. I guess they decided Teyla was the leader between her and Rodney."

She nodded. "I'll get the rest of your mission report tomorrow. Go get checked over and get some rest."

"Thanks." He gave her another small smile, and they moved off, headed to the infirmary, the silence comfortable between them. Once they arrived, he hopped up on a table.

Carson appeared a few minutes later, a smile on his face. "I'm glad to see the Major had enough sense to bring you down here."

"I never intended to skip." John worked up the energy to look affronted. "I just wanted to avoid the rush. How are Ronon and Rodney?"

"Ronon is fine, but I'm keeping him overnight to keep an eye on him. Rodney, I’m pleased to say, is fine. Apart from the cut on his head and a little bruising, he's okay. I've sent him home to shower and rest."

That was surprising. "I knew they had started giving him a little more food when it got obvious that it was hurting him, but I thought they were still shorting him. Then again, the rest of us were going on half-rations to make sure he had enough. Good to know it made a difference."

"His levels were a little low, but a good meal and some rest should set them right. How about we take a look and see how you're doing?"

John pulled off his jacket—he had left his gear in the jumper—and held out his arm, assuming Carson would want blood.

Carson worked quickly, taking samples for tests, and checking him over. "I'll get a better idea when your test results come back, but a good meal and some rest and you should be fine. Off with you."

With a nod, John hopped down. He started to head out, then paused. He hated this, but he knew damn well he needed it. "Carson?"

"Aye?" The Scot turned, glancing up from where he was writing in John's chart.

He hesitated, then decided to just blurt it out. "Can you... arrange for an appointment with Kate for me?"

Carson paused, surprise on his face he couldn't hide. "Aye. Of course. When? Now?"

"No, not now. I'm too tired to deal with it. But... I know I'll need to sooner or later, and I'd rather deal with it before it becomes a bigger issue."

"Aye, of course," he said, nodding. "I'll set it up for tomorrow. I can email you the time."

"Thanks." John turned to leave again.

"John?"

He stopped, but didn't turn. "Yeah?"

"If I can help in any way…"

John huffed a small laugh. "I know. It's not... I let my anger take control, and I did something I shouldn't have. And I think the fact that I don't regret it bothers me more than the act itself."

Carson was quiet, not pressing and John eventually just walked away, out of the infirmary and to the nearest transporter.

He headed for home, looking forward to a hot shower and falling into his own bed with his lover safe and close.

The shower was already running when he arrived, Rodney's dirty clothes in a pile on the bedroom floor. He'd put music on—his iPod with the attached speakers. It was barely loud enough for Rodney to hear over the water, but sometimes his lover needed the music.

John started to strip to join him, when he stopped short, staring at the bright red bird preening itself in the middle of their bedroom.

The bird cocked his head to the side, looking at John. _Surprise?_

"Fuck." He rubbed his hand across his face. "Okay, I'm willing to accept for now that you really are a telepathic bird who has bonded with my lover. My question is: what now?"

_I can talk to more people here._

John added a few things up in his head. "It's the gene. You must have been originally created by the Ancients, or modified by them at any rate." He had to admit, he was interested despite himself. "Does strength of the gene matter, or does just having it make it possible to 'hear' you?"

John swore the bird shrugged. _Rodney promised me it would be nice here._

"Can you hear the city?"

_Course not. Cities don't talk._

"Not in words, but it does talk." As fascinated as he was, he shook it off. "Tell you what, right now I'm exhausted and I want to shower and sleep. If you go sleep in the living room, we can all talk a bit more tomorrow."

_Rodney said someone would come and get me checked out. Make sure I don't give you anything._

"Yeah. Atlantis would have locked down if you had something airborne or infectious, but it never hurts to get a full blood workup to be on the safe side." With a sigh, he started to strip. He wasn't missing his shower for this.

Of course, the door chime had to ring just as he was getting his shirt off.

He didn't bother to put it back on. Whoever was there would have to deal with a little skin. He made his way back to the door, palming the sensor to open it.

Of course Rodney would have called the vet—Carolyn Simmons. The blonde squeaked a hello, stammering something that John assumed was something along the lines of Doctor McKay had called her.

He went with just pretending he wasn't half-naked. "Come on in. I'll go get the bird."

The bird was already in the living room, perched on the couch as it eyed her. _Rodney's right. You do have big breasts._

John narrowed his eyes. "That's not an appropriate comment."

Carolyn was bright red. Damn. She had the ATA gene, didn't she? The bird, though, didn't care. _It was an observation. Compared to the ones I've seen so far, I'd have to agree with Rodney._

"I hate my life sometimes," John sighed. "Doc, we obviously have an ATA-specific telepathic bird who has bonded to McKay. We'll need you to run a full series of tests as to what exactly he is and what his limits are before we can decide anything." He gave the bird a wry look. Elizabeth was going to love this.

"Yes, Doctor McKay had mentioned something…I'll just…" She held out her hand. The bird looked her over for a minute before chirping to itself, flying over to land on the offered perch.

"Great. I'll just... wait over here. Can I get you anything?"

"We can go."

"Oh. Okay..." John wasn't sure if he was supposed to offer to come for the bird later—it really needed a better name than 'bird'—or ask her to keep it overnight... what was the protocol for intelligent, telepathic pets?

Carolyn offered a shrug, her cheeks still red. "It looks like he'll come with me. I’m sure if he wants to come back…"

 _Yes, yes. You'll know._ God. The bird had picked up Rodney's diction.

John walked her to the door, shaking his head. As soon as it was closed, he set about getting rid of the rest of his clothes and getting to the shower.

Rodney was still in the shower when John stripped down, the water mingling with the music into a comfortable sound. He had to admit to surprise, though, when he finally walked into the bathroom and found various bondage items on the counter—cuffs, plug, chastity, gag, blindfold—all for after. If that wasn't a hint…

Moving around to the shower opening, John spotted Rodney sitting on the floor, letting the water pour over him. His eyes were closed and he was nearly perfectly still.

Not sure what mood his lover was in, John moved carefully into the stream. "Hey, buddy."

It took a few seconds for him to respond, his eyes blinking open as John shifted so the water wasn't running into his face. "Hi," he said, offering a light smile.

"How are you doing? Carson said you were tired, but otherwise okay."

"Mmm. Waiting for you," he said, shifting onto his knees.

"I was talking to your bird. The vet came and got him." John moved closer, running his fingers through Rodney's hair. Just being able to touch relaxed him, let some of his own tension drain away.

Rodney leaned into John's touch, shifting closer. "Yeah. He said goodbye. Carolyn will be good to him."

"Is he going to live with us?"

"No…unless you want him to." Rodney moved again, looking up John's body.

John chuckled, shifting so Rodney could scoot between his legs while he leaned against the wall. "Not especially. I'd rather he lived somewhere else, and we could visit now and then."

"Um…while I don't mind doing…you know and whatnot, can you wash up a little first?"

John couldn't help grinning. "I don't know that either of us are up to any whatnot tonight. And yes, washing was one of my goals in getting in the shower with you." He grabbed the washcloth and soap, handing them down. "But since you're down there, I'll let you do the honors."

Rodney nodded, but John saw the brief moment of disappointment flash across his face before it was gone and he was lathering up the washcloth. He got to work, cleaning John's legs and feet, even washing between the toes. He was careful with John's cock, but took very good care of it, making sure he cleaned every surface.

By the time he was done with it, John was hard—he had thought he was too tired for that, so it was a little surprising.

Rodney handed the washcloth up to John, leaning into his leg a little, pressing his cheek to the outer edge.

John sighed his lover's name, hands curling into his hair again.

He was quiet, his hands circling around John's calf, one finding a home on his ankle.

"Love you. Missed you."

Rodney nodded, his stubble rubbing against John's thigh.

"Suck me. But I don't want to come."

Rodney nodded again, shifting and centering himself. He carefully examined John's cock before leaning in, burying his face in John's groin, the scratch of his stubble making John's moan. He kissed and licked his way up John's cock before finally talking it in his mouth, swallowing him down with his own moan.

John watched his lover's eyes close, watched those perfect lips wrap around his dick.

After days without this, John felt like a starving man at a feast. He shivered, whispering words of praise and encouragement.

His lover sucked carefully, gently, pulling one moan after another from his mouth. It wasn't enough to bring John off, but it was enough to drive him crazy.

John didn't pull him off until he was trembling, pleasure pooled in his fingertips. He tugged gently on Rodney's hair. "Up here, I need to taste you, now."

It took his lover a few seconds to obey, scrambling to his feet, guided by John's hands.

John twisted, pinning Rodney to the wall and diving in, claiming what was his.

Rodney offered no resistance, opening up fully for him, his hands tugging John closer, tighter to him. Fingers traced patterns on John's back, nails digging in to skin.

When the need to breathe forced the issue, John backed off, nibbling his way down Rodney's neck. "My hair still needs to be washed."

"'kay." The word was breathy, groaned as John hit a sensitive spot, licking around the collar Rodney wore.

He bit softly, pushing the collar up a little so he could mark his lover just underneath where it sat normally.

Rodney just tilted his head to the side, offering up the skin to John. "Please."

Humming, John finished that small mark, then moved to his spot, making a bigger one over the almost-faded bruise already there.

"Thank you…yours," Rodney whispered, his body trembling.

"Mine. No one else gets to keep you." It came out as a growl, punctuated by a harder bite.

Rodney cried out softly, his fingers digging into John's back.

"Mine. Only mine. Always mine." He punctuated each one with nips, trailing them across Rodney's collarbone, leaving a line of possession.

His lover moaned, tugging John closer. "Please…"

"Wash my hair. And after that I'm going to turn you around and fuck you. The longer you can drag out the washing, the longer and harder I'll fuck you until we're both screaming our release. And then I'm going to bring you out and dress you up—your jeweled ring is going on, along with the cuffs and the plug and the chastity device."

"Please, John," Rodney begged, turning his face into John's shoulder. "Need you."

"I'm here." He grabbed the shampoo bottle and squirted a little into Rodney's palm, guiding it to his own head. He let his head drop to give Rodney better access, wanting the intimacy of this, the simple pleasure of touching and being together.

It took his lover nearly a minute to finally move on his own, leaning back so he could see what he was doing. His square-edged fingers were strong, massaging John's scalp, turning the shampoo into a lather. They found all the pressure points, releasing the tension, relieving the pain.

It was perfect. John made soft, happy sounds, arching into each stroke. He was aware that he was purring in a vaguely cat-like manner, but didn't care. Sex was amazing, and they would get to that, but this, the touching just to touch, to caress, to make each other feel good and not necessarily to arouse—this was what he had desperately needed. Absolution through love.

Rodney tilted his head back finally, rinsing the soap from his hair, his fingers threading through to make sure it was clear.

Humming, John angled his head to press open-mouthed, sloppy kisses against Rodney's damp skin.

"John, please…I need…I need…"

"Shhhh." Shifting his weight back, John gently turned his lover around, one hand sliding down to slip between his cheeks, circling his entrance.

Rodney spread his legs, letting John's finger slide in easily. Lubed? Rodney had used the shower lube?

God, that was so fucking hot. John moaned as he pushed his finger deep. He found that special spot and stroked it, wanting to reward his lover for doing this, for being so perfect.

Rodney moaned, shuddering as John pressed hard. He loved the reactions his lover gave him each and every time.

John worked a second finger in, then a third, finger-fucking his lover until he couldn't stand it anymore—he needed to be buried so deep Rodney could taste him. He did just that, sliding in with one long glide that had Rodney bucking back as John bucked forward, both of them moaning.

But then John wrapped his arms around Rodney's waist, holding him tight, stilling inside his lover. It took less than a minute before Rodney was sobbing, begging John to move.

"Relax, Rodney. Let go. I want everything tonight."

Nodding, Rodney pressed his forehead to the wall and took a deep breath. John felt his cock slide in deeper as Rodney's muscles relaxed, letting him in.

"So good, Rodney. Want to make this so good for you. Just let it all go. We're home now, safe. Let me take care of you."

"Please…" He was still begging. Not what John had in mind.

John ran his hands up and down Rodney's arms, caressing, while he nibbled at the back of his lover's neck. "I want you so deep all you want is exactly what I'm willing to give you."

"Need you, please."

"I know what you need."

Rodney was panting, his eyes closed tightly. He definitely needed to be fucked, that was certain, but not like this. Not with this tension in him.

John nuzzled, plastering his body to Rodney's back. Holding still when he wanted to fuck so badly was sheer torture, but this was more important. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

Rodney shook his head, but John's growl, stopped him quickly. "Want to forget."

"Forget what? Tell me." He made it an order.

"Forget what happened."

"Did anyone hurt you, or is it just general kidnapping and forced to fix shit stress?"

Rodney shook his head.

"Tell me."

"Just make me forget, please."

John bit a little, drawing a small gasp out of Rodney. "Not until you tell me what you need to forget. I need this, Rodney. I need to know what they did to you before I can make it go away."

Rodney rocked his head against the wall, back and forth, his eyes squeezing together tighter. "Make me forget how much I want to be part of the team, how much I like being part of the team. I'm the fucking weak link every time. I hate it and I hate knowing I have to give it up because it's going to get you or Teyla or Ronon or Lorne or someone killed. I want to stay so badly, but I know I can't. I know I can't."

That made John's head pop up and his eyes go wide. He pulled free of his lover and turned him around, pulling him into a hug, wrapping himself around Rodney. "No, no, Rodney... Not going to ask you to leave, I won't let you leave the team. Never. You're not a weak link, not at all. I promise..."

"Can't stay…can't…"

"Yes, you can." John pulled back enough to force Rodney to look him in the eye. "No, you're not as physical as the rest of us. But you have something we don't have. You can manipulate the technology, come up with solutions to problems, fix things none of us would have a prayer of fixing. Without you, our team would be dead several times over. You're necessary, Rodney. We can't do it without you."

"Weak. I know I am. Between my lack of ability in actually using a handgun or weapon, to defending myself, to even flying the jumpers…I…I slow you down. I'm going to get you killed because you're protecting me, trying to save my sorry ass again because someone didn't feed me enough. I'm a liability."

"No, you're not." He would repeat it until Rodney believed. "How many times have we almost exploded? How many times has your ability to fix things been the only thing that bought us time to escape—like this time. Without you, we probably would have been killed outright."

"John, please," Rodney begging, trying to drop down to his knees, but John held him up.

"No. You're going to listen to me, and we'll stay here like this until you believe. You're necessary, Rodney. Without you, the rest of us don't work. Don't matter. The same goes for Teyla, and Ronon. And even me. We're a team. We can't do it without all of us."

"I might not have been all there, but I know I just made the situation worse."

"You didn't. Please, Rodney..." John didn't know how to convince him. "You can't leave the team."

"Please….fuck me, please. I just need to feel you. Please."

John flicked the water off and led his lover back into the bedroom. It didn't take much to get them both on the bed, get himself buried in his lover's willing body again. "I need you, Rodney. In my bed, on my team, in my life... I need you."

As soon as Rodney was on his back, he opened up for John, letting him slide in deep. Some of the tension melted away as soon as they connected. Drops of water from the shower still covered their bodies and while John knew right now this was the last thing that Rodney needed—to use submission as a means of escaping because he wanted to forget something he perceived as painful—John wasn't going to deny him his request. Not now, not when he was like this—so desperate, hurting so much.

They rocked together, John fucking him gently, slowly. "So perfect, Rodney. Need you. Love you."

"Need you…please," Rodney moaned, bucking up to meet John's thrusts.

"Here, I'm here. Always." John brought them both to the edge, keeping them there for as long as he could. When he couldn't hold back any longer, he wrapped a hand around Rodney's erection, stroking fast. "Come. Come now. Take me with you."

Rodney came with a moaning sob, his back arching off the bed, body shuddering through his climax.

It was enough to take John over too, spilling into his lover, leaving him sated, boneless. He slumped down into Rodney, breathing hard.

Rodney's hand landed on his shoulder, resting there as he caught his breath, his heart beating hard in his chest. A whispered "thank you" drifted down to John.

John responded the only way he could. "Love you."

"Love you, too," Rodney whispered, his body melting a little further under John.

John decided to forgo the bondage stuff tonight, mostly because they were both tired and going to get it was too much effort. Instead, he managed to work up the energy to pull out and roll a little to the side, keeping a leg thrown over Rodney's body and snuggling in close.

Rodney whimpered as John slid free, but was otherwise quiet, curling into John. Bondage tonight, even though Rodney had obviously wanted it, would not be a good idea. Neither of them was really up for it and Rodney was not in the right state of mind.

"Sleep. We can talk tomorrow. Love you."

His lover hummed in reply, already half-asleep himself.

"Night," John whispered. Then he slid into a deep sleep himself.

***

The call from Carson the night before had taken Kate Heightmeyer by surprise. It had been a simple request, a professional one, but it was out of the ordinary enough to set her on edge.

John Sheppard never willingly asked for help.

She'd quietly stayed at the side over the past few months, watching his relationship with Rodney expand, watching as they settled easily into their roles. Ever since the slave incident, there had been no need for her to step in at all. John had taken his responsibilities as a top and dominant very seriously—and Rodney looked like he was flourishing because of it.

So when Carson had called her and told her that John had requested an appointment with her ASAP, she'd been…surprised and immediately concerned. While the recent mission reports had not been available, she'd gotten John's most recent medical test results and a very brief verbal report from Carson and Elizabeth.

While it had been a bad mission, they'd handled worse—as far as Kate had been concerned. Something had happened, though. Either to John or Rodney, or both of them.

Sipping on her English breakfast tea—a gift from a friend that had arrived on the latest Daedalus run—she mulled over what she knew and tried to prepare herself for John's appointment. She had to be in the right frame of mind when he came. Sometimes he would only listen when her "top" voice came out.

The door chimed two minutes before 0900. He was always prompt. Clicking the button on her desk to open the door, the panels slid open to reveal the Colonel—hair a little more unruly than normal, dark circles under his eyes. His face was closed off, but there was a tension in his body that wasn't normal.

"John, please come in," she said with a welcoming smile. She gestured with her free hand to the chairs set up near the window. "Would you like tea or coffee?"

He paced in, flashing what she knew was his 'public' smile, the one that gave nothing away. "Coffee, thanks."

"You're welcome," she said easily, moving to the small pot she had—a four cup—quickly spooning out coffee and pouring in water, watching carefully as John prowled around the room. It usually took him a few minutes to settle in. "Did you sleep well?" she asked carefully, quietly, easily.

She noted the slight stiffening of his posture, tension shooting up another notch. "I guess. I... yeah. Fine."

She filed it away for now. "I have a few rolls I picked up from the mess earlier this morning. Would you like one while the coffee brews?"

He took one, nibbling on it a little as he moved to stare out the window. He was very obviously struggling, at war with his own natural inclination not to talk.

The smell of coffee filled the room and Kate waited, wondering if John would fill the silence.

He was getting progressively more twitchy, and finally, without looking at her, broke first. "I... you know I requested this, right? I mean, I know you do, but... I left something out of my mission report."

Kate was quiet for a moment as she leaned her hip against the edge of her desk. "Carson did call me with the request, yes. I only know the basics of the last mission you were on. Is it something Rodney did, or did something happen to him that you didn't mention to Carson?"

He made a soft noise, one she hadn't heard from him before. "No. He... he's fine. He thinks he's the weak link, but that's... I can deal with that."

She filed that comment away as well. Rodney's lingering issues about his abilities outside of science was something they had been working on and she'd thought he'd moved past most of them. It seemed as if he hadn't.

The coffee pot sputtered and Kate turned toward it, waiting for the last drops before she poured a mug. "Sugar? Milk?"

"Both. Thanks." He continued to look out the window, refusing to turn and meet her eyes.

After adding both to the mug, she walked over, handing it to him before she settled into one of her chairs. "Things are going well between the two of you?"

He nodded, what she could see of his expression softening a little. "Yeah. He's... he's perfect."

"Good," Kate smiled, letting the affection and concern she had for the two of them enter her voice. "He seems…freer in some aspects. Lighter."

That got her a quick glance, and a more real smile. "Yeah. I've been trying to make sure he doesn't have to worry about all the little things so he's free to enjoy the big ones. It might be stressful to keep the city running, but he loves it."

"Yes, he does," she said, returning the smile. She took a small sip of her tea before speaking again. "Do you still love it?"

She saw him lick his lips, staring out the window again, but she doubted he was seeing anything. "I... yes. But..." With a sigh, he dropped his head, and his voice. "I'm starting to think I'm losing my ability to cope with... everything."

"What do you need to cope with? Rodney?"

"He's the only thing I can... I..." He took a deep breath. "I got so angry, Kate. This wasn't even a really bad mission, as far as things go, but I was so fucking angry... I... did something I shouldn't have, and even knowing I shouldn't have, I'm not sorry about it so much as I'm... worried that I'm not sorry about it."

"What happened?" She kept her voice quiet, non-judgmental.

He was silent for a long moment. "You've read the reports so you know the basics of the mission?"

"No one has provided a written report yet—as far as I can tell. I've spoken with Carson and Elizabeth."

He gave a small nod. "I submitted mine this morning, but I don't think the rest of my team has. The short of it is that we were taken captive by pirates and told that if we did something they didn't like, it was other members of the team who would be punished. They had Rodney fixing their ship, Ronon hauling stuff around, and Teyla and I.... scavenging."

She nodded. She knew that much from the verbal reports. "Scavenging what?"

"Anything." She noted a very faint tremor in his hand. "They... completely wiped out a population, and then we were sent through with a few guards to take anything that hadn't been burned or destroyed in the raid. They killed everyone. Everyone."

"They did? I thought the Wraith had culled the planet."

"No. They... never said it outright. But when we first went through, we wanted to look for survivors. They were insistent that there wouldn't be any. And we…we actually found one, a little girl, hiding in a closet they had me searching..."

And there was one of the issues. Someone John couldn't save. "What happened?"

His voice went flat, emotionless. "They pulled her out. I asked to be allowed to send her to a world I knew accepted refugees. Begged. They shot and killed her. And then the fucker guarding me said that if I made any more noise whatsoever, they would behead my teammates next."

Her heart went out to him and to that little girl. She was still surprised by the inhumanity humans could perform on a daily basis. "You did what you could to help her, but you were not in a situation that you could do more."

"I did do more. Later. He was one of the guards who were there when Teyla and I escaped."

"Is this the part that wasn't in your report?"

"Yes." His knuckles were white from where he was gripping the mug. "He spent the walk to the gate threatening to rape Teyla, and then deciding I would be more fun. When we overpowered them, I castrated him. The only reason he's not missing more limbs is because Teyla stopped me."

That was not what she had expected. "You…"

"Yes."

She nodded. Kate always tried to forget that most of the people she worked with could kill her just as easily with their hands as with any weapon. "Why?"

"I wanted to hurt him. I was so angry... I'm still angry, and that's what scares the fuck out of me. I don't know why that pushed me over the edge or where this came from, and I don't know if I'll do something like that again. And I don't regret it. So what does that make me? I'm a danger to others at the very least, and I... don't know what to do to fix this."

"Were you angry about the advances he made on Teyla?"

"Yes. And on me. He forced a kiss just before we stepped through the gate. But that's no excuse. I know it's not, but I did it anyway."

"Do you feel your anger was out of proportion to what transpired over the mission, over those days?"

He glanced over, and she was surprised at the flash of almost anguish on his face before he hid it, completely. "I tortured a man, and only stopped because I was forced to. What do you think?"

"I think you were angry and this was a way for you to strike back, maybe the only way. But why were you so angry? Do you think it was just because of this mission?"

He finally turned, his mask slipping a little again. He was exhausted, and she was surprised to see a little fear in there, too. "I don't know. I wish I did."

"What were you thinking when you…castrated the guard?"

"I was just angry. I wanted to hurt him." He finally moved away from the window, dropping into the chair across from her. "What's wrong with me, Kate? I've never... I never thought I was capable of... and that I'm not sorry about it... What the hell is wrong with me?"

"You're human, John."

He snorted. "That doesn't give me the right to lose my mind. Not out here, not when it can cost lives."

"Do you think you lost your mind?"

"Haven't I? Only the seriously fucked-up actually enjoy torturing someone."

"Have you had the urge to injure anyone else?"

He shook his head. "But that doesn't mean it won't happen again. I was out of control, and I don't even know why. Why then? Why was that threat, that atrocity, any worse than the hundreds of others I've seen?"

"I don't know, John. Why do you think it was? What made it different to you?"

"I was just so... angry. I tried to negotiate but they wouldn't listen, just threatened us if I kept trying. All I could do was sit there and watch my teammates being hauled off to god knows where, stand there and watch while they beat Ronon for a decision I had made, beat Rodney for a decision Teyla had made..."

"Did you feel out of control?"

"I sure as hell wasn't the one calling the shots."

"And you don't like that."

He glanced up from his mug. "I've gotten used to it. I'm not in control of a hell of a lot lately."

"What do you mean?"

He made the same soft noise he had earlier. She realized with surprise that he probably didn't realize he was doing it, and that it was indicative of distress. "Let's see—I was drugged and turned into a sex slave, I was turned into a bug, I was almost put on trial and removed from my posting, my team keeps getting fucking kidnapped..."

Kate leaned forward, placing her hand gently on his arm. "But you got through everything. You're safe."

He was shaking slightly. "Have we? Or have I just finally snapped under the pressure? I can't be trusted like this, Kate. I can't be in command when I don't even trust myself. I was never meant to be in command here, and there are a lot of people who still don't think I should be. I thought they were wrong, but what if they aren't?"

"John, look at me," Kate ordered, waiting for him to raise his head. His eyes took another few seconds to finally settle on her face. "If you were not capable of doing the job, nothing any of us said would have made any difference in the eyes of the SGC. They appointed you because they knew you were the right man for the job and they knew you could get the job done. Everyone out here has doubts and worries, you're not alone in feeling the way you do."

He swallowed hard. "I can... accept that. But... I still don't know if I can be trusted now." He dropped his eyes again, the effort to get the words out almost visible. "I'm... scared. Of what I did, and of what I felt while I did it."

"What did you feel?"

"Satisfaction."

Kate kept her reaction from reaching her face. She needed to know what was going on in his head. "Why?"

"He can't force anyone anymore. He admitted he preferred rape to other forms of pleasure. Now that's not something he can enjoy at all."

"Is that the only reason?"

"No."

"What was the other reason, John?"

His response was almost so quiet she couldn't hear it. "I just wanted him to hurt."

"Because you were hurting?"

"I... maybe."

Kate nodded, squeezing his arm reassuringly. "It's okay to admit that you're upset, that things are bothering you. I'd actually be more worried if nothing bothered you at all."

"It's not supposed to. I'm the one who's supposed to have his shit together."

"You do have it together, but you're also human, John, which means that sometimes things are going to get past our outer defenses." She was quiet for a moment, letting the silence grow between them. "You obviously came here because you wanted to talk, because you wanted to get some control. So, what do you think we should do now?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "I just know I can't keep doing this, and I can't do my job if I don't get past it."

"I agree," she said quietly.

"So what do you suggest?"

Kate was quiet as she looked John over. "What do you think I should suggest?"

He shrugged, still refusing to meet her eyes again. "If it was me, and I was my commanding officer, I would remove me from duty and require me to see the base psych."

"Do you think that would work in this case?"

A ghost of his usual smirk appeared. "Do you think you can get me to talk?" It disappeared, and he became serious, finally looking up again. "I'm trying, Kate. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to fix whatever's wrong with me. But it's... not easy."

"I know and I'm glad that you decided to come and see me before I had to track you down," she smiled, easing some of the tension and sharpness of her words. "How about we settle for a middle ground? I'm not going to remove you from duty—you're fully capable of doing most of your job—but I am going to ground you from off-world missions. I'm going to ask that Major Lorne take over those duties for the current time."

John looked like he wanted to protest, but nodded instead. "What about missions to the mainland? Or are you recommending I be grounded and restricted to base completely?"

"I think that you can remain on rotation for shuttle pilot duty to the mainland," she said with a nod. "Unless you feel you're not capable of flying a jumper."

He quickly nodded. "I'm good for that. And I'll have the time on my hands, so I'd be more than happy to take on extra shuttle duties if needed."

"Also, in the event of an on-base emergency, I'm going to suggest that Major Lorne handle it as well and you also take yourself off of security patrols."

That startled him. "Ah... so basically I'm just doing paperwork?"

Kate nodded. "I think it would be best for now. I'm also certain that the scientists would appreciate any help you can give them in their research."

Another ghost of a smile. "I thought we were trying to eliminate the anger and frustration issues."

"As we see improvements, we can add additional duties."

He nodded. "That's... fair. What else? I know you and I will get to know each other all over again, but... I really want to fix this, Kate. Help me. I need something tangible to be working on, to see progress on."

"We'll schedule daily appointments for now to see if we can find the root of the problem and go from there." She took a deep breath, looking evenly at John. "This is not going to be a quick fix. It's going to take time and you're going to want to see results a lot faster than they'll happen. But we will get to the bottom of this. I promise you."

He sighed softly, but nodded again. "Thank you. Is training out too, or can I schedule myself for an hour in the gym every day?"

"Feel free to go about the rest of your normal routine. If you feel that you are being too aggressive in the gym, stop. You know yourself and I will not be babysitting you. Now, as for Rodney…" She paused when his head came up sharply. "You need to speak to him about your concerns and about your restricted status."

"I haven't lost control with him. He's the only place I've felt normal lately."

She nodded. "He still needs to know what's going on with you."

John nodded slowly. "I know. What about the rest of my team? Are they grounded with me? Lorne has his own team for missions, and since we don't know how long I'll be off the active roster..."

"No," she said shaking her head. "I'm going to make a report to Elizabeth as soon as you leave and recommend that the rest of your team continue as is with its mission roster, adding someone in your place. I'm certain Major Lorne can suggest someone to your team in the meantime."

A variety of emotions ran across John's face, finally settling on resignation. "I'd prefer if Lorne took my place."

Kate nodded. "I'll make that suggestion, but it will be up to the Major."

John sighed. "Yes, ma'am."

"Will morning be the best time for our appointments?" Kate asked, moving onto the practical things. John needed to see that this was important, that he needed to give up some things in order for him to get a better grasp on his own emotions.

After a heartbeat, he nodded again. "Yeah. And can you let me know when you inform Elizabeth and Lorne? I'd like to be the one to tell my team, and I'd like Lorne to be there when I do."

She nodded. "Give me about an hour to prepare my report for Elizabeth. I can call you as soon as I finish my meeting with her."

"Thanks." He rubbed a hand across his face. "I can't promise I'll make this easy, Kate. I will try, but... Thanks."

"With you, I'm not expecting easy, but we will work through it. That, I can promise you."

He stood up, the smile back. "So same time tomorrow morning?"

Kate nodded, returning the smile. "I'll have coffee and breakfast ready for you."

"It's a deal." He started for the door, giving her a half-salute as he went.

"John," she said as she rose to her feet.

Pausing, he turned back around. "Yeah?"

"Thank you for coming to me, for trusting me. I'm proud of you for taking the first step yourself. It's a very…brave thing to do."

The tips of his ears turned a little pink. "I... thank you."

She smiled again, watching as he stepped out of her office, the door closing quietly behind him. With a sigh she tapped her radio. "Heightmeyer to Weir."

She got a response a moment later. "This is Elizabeth. What's wrong?"

"Can I steal about fifteen minutes of your time in about an hour?"

"Of course. Can you tell me what it's about?"

"It's official business, I'm afraid. Colonel Sheppard was in to see me this morning and I'm going to put him on restricted duty. Let me pull together my report and I'll present my findings to you."

There was a startled pause. "John came to you?"

"Yes. Let me get my report written up and I'll discuss as much as I can with you."

"I'll come down to your office in an hour."

"No, let me come up to see you. I'll also need to have Major Lorne to report to us after we talk."

There was another long pause. "All right. I'll see you then. Weir out."

Tapping off her radio, Kate pulled the device from her ear, dropping it onto her desk with a sigh. She had a lot of work to do and one stubborn Colonel to work on. She had better get started before the rumor-mill got underway.

***

John sat in his office, waiting. Lorne would be here soon for a quick debrief—he had already talked to Elizabeth and presumably Kate—and then the rest of John's team would be here for what would probably be an interesting conversation.

He looked up as the door opened, his second walking in. "Lorne."

"Sir," he replied, his body tense, posture formal as he paused before John's desk.

John sighed. "Have a seat, Major. The rest of my team will be here in a few minutes."

"Doctor Weir has outlined the changes to me, sir," he said quietly, remaining on his feet. "I've decided to take your position on the team and get a temporary replacement for mine. Abrams has already agreed." He paused "Are you certain you want to do this with me here, sir?"

"You're the one taking over for me, so you should be here to answer any questions. And it is temporary. I will want my team back as soon as I'm cleared for full duty again."

"Of course, sir," Lorne said, finally cracking the hint of a smile. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

That made him feel a little better. "Look, I didn't really think such... complete... measures would be necessary. But I have to trust Kate here. I don't know how much they told you in the briefing, but I went to her, I wasn't ordered there."

"You don't have to explain anything, sir."

John glanced up as Ronon, Teyla, and Rodney walked in, looking curious. Good, he wouldn't have to repeat himself. "Hi, guys. I've asked everyone here because there's going to be a temporary change in the command structure, which will directly affect the team."

Rodney's eyes widened in surprise as his jaw muscles tightened down, anything he was going to say held back. Ronon was similarly surprised, but simply shrugged it off as he leaned against the wall nearest the door. Teyla was the only one not to look surprised.

"You have spoken with Doctor Heightmeyer." Her words were not a question, merely a statement of fact. She knew.

He nodded at her. "I went to see her this morning because of some...anger issues I had in the field. I was concerned because my reactions were out of proportion to the situation we were in. She took it seriously enough that I've been temporarily grounded, with no off-world missions, and any emergency situations that come up, Major Lorne will be in command. Because grounding the rest of the flagship team along with me wasn't an option, the Major will also be taking over my slot in the field with you guys. This is only until Kate clears me again." He met and held Teyla's gaze. "I'm not resigning. But I agree with her that until I figure out why it happened and get it under control, I'm a danger to the rest of you in the field."

Teyla nodded, a quiet smile on her face. "It is for the best."

He was relieved. After their conversation, he was afraid she would think he was giving up. "It is. I'll still be here, still be sitting in the senior staff meetings, and God help me still doing all the paperwork. I'll also be running shuttle duty to the mainland, and assisting in the labs as needed. I just won't be going off-world or running a security detail here in the city. My hope is that it won't take me long to get my shit together, but I didn't want to risk your lives while I did it."

"How will this affect our current mission line-up," Teyla asked, glancing between John and Lorne.

"It won't." John nodded at the Major. "You'll be running our schedule, and someone else will be taking over temporary command of Major Lorne's team to complete his scheduled missions."

Lorne nodded. "I don't want to disrupt the team's schedule any more than it already is. I'm going to ask Abrams to take over my team for the time being."

It was a good choice. John smiled slightly at his second. "Any other questions?"

Teyla shook her head. Ronon and Rodney were silent.

He could tell both his male teammates were unhappy with this news. He wanted to nip this in the bud before it could get much further. "Great. Everyone is dismissed, then. Ronon, Rodney, would you mind staying behind for a minute?"

"I have work to do," Rodney said tightly, already on his way out the door.

"Rodney." John put enough of an order into his voice that his lover stopped while Teyla and Lorne slipped out. "Both of you sit down. I left a few things out of my report that you weren't there for, and that's what prompted this. You need to hear it if you're going to understand."

"Leaving things out of your mission reports, Sheppard?" Rodney snapped, standing behind the chairs with his arms crossed.

"Yes." John sighed, rubbing his face. He quickly and as emotionlessly as possible told them the same things he had told Kate this morning—they were team, and deserved to know. He told them about the little girl, the guard, and what he had done to the man. "I don't trust myself not to lose control like that again. Not right now. I didn't think Kate would ground me when I went to her, otherwise I would have told you all this first. But I trust her enough to give this a try."

Rodney was silent, but Ronon nodded. "I would have done the same thing."

John sighed again. "Maybe. The...act itself isn't why I went to Kate. It's... if Teyla hadn't been there to stop me, I don't know that I would have stopped. And that scares the shit out of me. I need to get whatever's wrong with me fixed before I lose it again. I need both of you to understand that, and follow Lorne's orders in the field. I really hope this isn't going to be long-term. I'll go stir crazy if I'm stuck on base for an extended period. But for the short-term..."

"Yes yes. Like we actually follow your orders off-world," Rodney said snidely. "If that's all, I have work I need to get back to."

John shook his head. "That's all for Ronon, unless he has any other questions. You're not leaving yet."

"Nope, no questions," Ronon said, easing himself away from the wall.

John nodded to the former Runner, then turned his attention to Rodney as soon as the door was closed. "You don't agree with what was decided."

"I don't agree or disagree. Right now all I know is that I have work to finish up because I have a mission tomorrow afternoon—or had you forgotten about that already? And that's in addition to the science department meeting in oh…" Rodney glanced at his watch, "…in fifteen minutes and then the senior staff meeting this afternoon."

"Rodney..." John stood and came around the desk, standing next to his lover. "I really didn't think I would be grounded like this, or I would have told you last night. I went to her this morning because I was concerned about the way I reacted out there."

"I guess it's not every day that you cut off a man's balls," Rodney said quietly, some of the anger leaving him. "I just…I know you need to talk about this with me, but I just can't do this now."

John flinched, hard. He couldn't stop it in time. He backed off, rising and moving to the other side of the office. "I'll see you tonight, then."

Rodney nodded, falling back into silence, sadness and something else on his face. John couldn't see it all before his lover turned, heading for the door. "I wish…I wish you would have talked to me…before."

"This happened a lot faster than I thought it would. And for the record, I was going to tell you this morning, but you were gone when I woke up."

Rodney looked up sheepishly, knowing that he'd snuck out without waking John. "I had…things I needed to do."

John took a risk and stepped a little closer again, praying his lover didn't pull away. He wasn't sure what he would do if Rodney was afraid of him now. He needed his lover if he was going to figure this out. "It's okay, just... don't be pissed at me for not telling you, when you really didn't give me the chance, okay?

He nodded, lowering his eyes. "I do need to go."

"Rodney..." John reached out, touching his lover's face with just the tips of his fingers. "I know you need to go, but... I need you, okay?"

"Whatever you need," he replied quietly, his body still, letting John touch.

John let out a shaky breath, stepping closer, his touch firmer. "You know I'd never hurt you, right?"

He nodded.

John claimed a short, soft kiss. "Love you."

"Love you," Rodney repeated, hand grazing against John's waist, just above his belt.

John let himself lean in for just a moment, let them have this. Then he brushed their lips together again. "I know you have things you need to do, so we can talk more later. I just... needed to know we were okay."

"We will be," Rodney replied quietly, lips brushing against John's as he answered.

John hummed softly, deepening the connection briefly, tongue darting inside Rodney's mouth, licking away the coffee and donuts he had eaten before coming over.

Rodney moaned, but then choked it off, pulling back. "John…"

"I know." He stole another quick kiss, then stepped back. "Go. Get done what you need to."

His lover nodded, moving away, a little unsteady on his feet. But before John could move in to steady him, he was already out the door, headed down the corridor, his head down as he concentrated on his feet or the floor.

John sank down into his guest chair. Fuck. What was he going to do?

***

After the bombshell of an announcement just before lunch, Rodney's concentration was shot. Radek kept shooting him strange looks during the science department meeting when he kept losing his place, and the scowl he received from Elizabeth during the senior staff meeting wasn't much better.

He wasn't sure what was up with him.

Although the whole cutting off someone's balls thing certainly put things into perspective. He sometimes forgot he'd basically married someone who could kill you six ways from Sunday.

But John had been right, he'd snuck out of the apartment before his lover woke, not wanting to deal with him after the night before. He hadn't given John the opportunity to talk to him about anything.

After the senior staff meeting, Elizabeth had asked for John to remain, but Rodney escaped before she could get him, too. He needed to think, to figure out the mess in his head.

Tapping his radio, he contacted Radek as he strode down the control room stairs.

"Zelenka here." The Czech's voice was distracted.

"I'm taking the rest of the afternoon off."

There was a long, loaded pause. "You are what?"

"Taking the afternoon off. Are you hard of hearing?"

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"Is there anything I can do to assist? Other than covering for you this afternoon?"

"No. Just…don't mention it, okay?" Rodney glanced around, grateful there was no one else in the hall. "I just…I just need to think."

"Do not worry. I will page you if there is a catastrophe. Otherwise, I will see you tomorrow."

"Just in the morning," he said, stepping into the empty transporter and hitting the destination nearest his apartment. "I have a mission in the afternoon."

"Yes, I have your schedule on my calendar. You are sparkly pink. Go rest, and do not worry. I will put fear of devil into minions today."

"I will not even grant that comment with one of my own. McKay out." He stumbled out of the transporter and into his room a few seconds later, headed for the bedroom with a brief detour to drop his laptop on the living room table.

He stripped the bed and stuffed everything into the laundry basket, turning immediately back out the door and down to the room they'd found that seemed to be a laundry room. No one was there, so he used three machines, splitting the load. It would be easier this way.

With a quick glance at his watch to note the time, he headed back to his room and attacked it with a vengeance. Out came the mops and dusters and sponges. The physical helped him forget, let him concentrate on the dust bunnies and the baked-on crap John had left on the dishes in the sink.

He stopped only long enough to go down and switch the laundry, one of the Marines standing guard over his lone machine in the corner. Rodney ignored him. He wasn't in the mood for conversation and his scowl must have given it away.

By the time the laundry finished, the apartment was nearly sparkling. Sheets went back on the bed, clothes folded and put away.

Rodney finally stripped, dumping his clothes into the empty bin before moving into the bathroom. He ran the water for a few minutes, adjusting the temperature a few times, before closing the drain and letting the tub fill. He moved into the bedroom and clicked on his iPod, letting the classical music fill the room.

He nodded to himself as he glanced around the room. There was nothing else to be done right now, so he settled himself in the tub, letting the water fill before turning it off with a mental command. With his eyes closed, he let his mind and body float.

The water was starting to get tepid when the sound of someone hesitantly clearing their throat made him open his eyes. John was leaning in the doorway, just looking at him. "Hey."

Rodney shifted, the water sloshing around a little. "Hey."

"Want me to leave?"

"You don't have to, no. I was just…" Rodney waved his hand, making more waves in the tub.

"It's okay. You're relaxing. Did you eat? I was going to find something for dinner."

"I…" Rodney thought for a minute, surprised that he'd been able to turn his brain off. "No. I didn't."

John nodded once, then disappeared back through the door.

Sitting up straight, his shoulders completely out of the water now, Rodney shivered. Rubbing his hands over his face he opened the drain, letting the water swirl out. It took him a few minutes to get himself up onto his feet, absently drying off. He wrapped the towel around his waist as he headed out, not sure what would be appropriate—clothes or no clothes—given the circumstances.

He was nervous, unsettled. He hadn't been this way with John since the beginning.

John was in the bedroom, his back turned as he pulled off his uniform shirt and kicked off his shoes.

"How…how was the rest of your day?" Rodney asked quietly, hanging onto the top of his towel.

John turned quickly—he must not have heard Rodney come in. A flash of something—hurt maybe?—flashed across John's face before it was gone again. "Very long. I'm starting to regret going to Kate in the first place."

"Why?"

His lover rubbed his face, sitting on the edge of the bed. "You're pissed at me, Lorne is walking softly around me, Elizabeth keeps trying to get me to confess some grand issue... I'm just having issues coping with all the shit I've been through in the last year. But at least with repression no one treats you like a fucking glass about to break."

"I’m not pissed at you," Rodney said quietly, knowing the instant the words left his mouth that they were true. He wasn't angry with John, not anymore. He was worried, uncertain, unsure. He was never good at being the strong one.

John looked up, meeting his eyes. He looked... tired. "You've avoided me all day, and you're being very careful to stay far enough back that I can't reach for you, not to mention completely covered. I'd rather have you pissed at me than afraid of me."

"I was working," Rodney said quietly. It was the easiest answer.

John smiled a little sadly and looked away. "Okay. I'm going to get some food. What do you want?"

Rodney shrugged. "I'm not hungry, so whatever you're in the mood for. Do you…do you want me to go with you to the mess or should I stay here?"

"I'm just going to grab something in the pantry. Probably an MRE. I don't really feel like being the object of gossip tonight. Most people don't know why I've been grounded, so the speculation is running rampant. I've gotten more sideways stares today than I think I've had in my life." He rose and started for the kitchen.

"Oh," Rodney said as John disappeared into the other room. Well, that had gone well. With a sigh, he moved back to the bathroom, dropping his towel on the floor. He'd put it away later.

Rodney padded out into the kitchen, leaning on the counter as John moved around. "I'm not afraid of you," he said quietly. He wasn't. He just… Rodney sighed. "I don't know what you need or want and I don't want to screw anything up."

John glanced over, and for a moment his gaze was hungry as his eyes swept Rodney's body. "I just want you to be you. That's all I ever want."

Rodney spread his arms. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

John was immediately there, slipping into his embrace, burying his face in the crook of Rodney's neck. "I don't know why I lost it, and it scares the shit out of me. Kate hinted that it was my loss of control of the situation—of all the situations we've been in the last few months."

"We've been through a lot," Rodney said, wrapping his arms around John, wanting to take away the tension in his lover's body.

"It's been a long year so far. I'm ready for another vacation. This time without the worry about whether I'll have a job when I get back."

Rodney chuckled humorlessly. "God only knows when that will happen."

John huffed into his shoulder, nuzzling a little. "You're the only place I feel normal anymore."

"I'm here for you. Just tell me what you want, what you need."

"I just want to eat dinner and maybe watch a movie and hold you. Touch you. Please."

Rodney nodded, drawing him closer. "Whatever you want, John, whatever you need."

John breathed out, then stood up, although he didn't pull away. "The MREs should be ready."

"What do you need from me, John? Tell me."

John swallowed, and Rodney felt the faint tremors in his body. "I don't know. I wish I did. Right now...I just...need you."

Rodney leaned back so he could see his lover's face. "I need to know what you want so I don't do anything to spook you or anything. Do you want to feed me like we usually do, or is that going to be too much for you?"

That actually got a slight smile from John. "Have I told you lately that I love you? I didn't think you would let me, not tonight."

"So you're hard of hearing, too," Rodney said quietly, lightly. "I asked you what you needed, what you wanted. I'm not a mind reader."

The worn look faded a little from John's eyes as he smiled. "Come eat dinner. You have to be starving by now."

"Not really, but I'll eat because you want me to."

John moved to the table, tugging Rodney along with him. "When did you have lunch? I admittedly didn't stay in the mess very long—I popped in, managed to stand about five minutes of the whispers, and then left again."

"I…" Rodney shrugged. He'd been busy, his mind spinning in fifteen different directions. "I ate something."

"Did you?" John smiled softly and held a piece of the meal up to Rodney's lips.

"I think so," he replied once he chewed the bite John had given him. They were standing in the middle of the kitchen, only a few inches apart from each other. John's free hand gently touched and caressed as his other hand split the two MREs between them, feeding them both.

Rodney noted that as John fed him, his lover slowly relaxed, tension draining out of him. By the time the meal was gone, he seemed like himself again.

Rodney didn't push, not after last night, waiting to see what his lover would do, what he needed.

John's hands roamed free, touching Rodney's body, arousing him. He hummed a bit every time Rodney gasped a little, or moaned when a sensitive spot was pressed against.

"John," Rodney moaned, letting his eyes fall closed.

That got him another happy little hum, as John continued to play.

"Bed, couch…something, please," Rodney breathed, needing more support in case his legs decided to leave without him as they were threatening to.

"Couch." John walked him back, pushing him down and settling on his knees between Rodney's legs. He started to nuzzle again, this time in more interesting places than Rodney's neck.

He spread his legs, giving John room, the sensations pulling moans and groans from his mouth. His head thunked back against the couch, his hands reaching out to tangle in John's hair.

John moaned softly, mouth wrapping around Rodney's erection. He started to suck, tongue teasing at the head.

Rodney's fingers tightened in his lover's hair, his body wanting to buck up into the warmth of John's mouth. "Oh…God…John…"

John's moan sent vibrations all through him. Rodney was a little surprised when he felt John's mouth go a little slack. Looking down, he met his lover's eyes, and read the intent there: John wanted him to let go and fuck his mouth.

Rodney groaned, his head falling back once again. "John…"

He got a few licks and a soft suck before John paused again, waiting.

John had never let him do this before and it was so hot but he also didn't want to hurt him. He thrust up a little, getting an answering suck and moan from his lover. The sensations only made him want to get more, his hips bucking back up again.

John's eyes closed, and what Rodney could see of his expression could only be called bliss.

Rodney reached back, bracing his hands on the couch to give himself a little more leverage. He was careful, not thrusting up too hard or two far, but John's mouth felt so good and with every thrust he was rewarded with more suction, more tongue…more.

John continued to moan around Rodney, which only ramped him up further, encouraged him to keep going.

Honestly, there was no way he was stopping.

He felt John tug at one of his hands, pulling it and putting it back on his own head.

"John..." he moaned, letting his fingers thread through his hair, his hips only making short thrusts now, his body leaning to the side.

His lover just moaned again, mouth going completely slack to let Rodney take whatever he wanted.

Rodney sobbed a little, curling his fingers to scratch along John's scalp, pulling him closer as his cock slid in deeper.

And John let him, went where Rodney tugged him, gave everything up to Rodney.

"Please, John…" he begged, wanting to come.

He got a quiet hum/moan, and a little suck—permission to do what he wanted, come when he wanted.

"More…" he breathed.

John's moan this time was deep, and he started to suck, timing it with Rodney's thrusts.

Rodney swore he could feel every bump of every taste-bud on John's tongue as he did wicked, wicked things to his cock. He hummed and sucked, pulling Rodney higher and higher until he finally crested over the top, his body shuddering hard as he began to come. John sucked him down, swallowing every drop. The pleasure washed through him, leaving him sated and limp, his hand sliding to the side of John's face.

John just held him in his mouth, resting his head against Rodney's thigh and panting a little around him as he softened.

"John…" Rodney whispered, thumb barely moving against skin.

Blown-out hazel eyes lifted to meet his.

He smiled weakly, tugging a little at John's head. He wanted to taste, to feel John over him, covering him.

John let himself be tugged to the couch. As he crawled up, Rodney's eyes were drawn to a prominent wet spot in the middle of John's pants.

"You came?"

His lover nodded a little, curling into Rodney's body.

Rodney let his body slide to the side so they were laid out on the couch, side by side, fabric rubbing Rodney in all the right places. He wrapped his arms around John, letting his hand slip under his lover's waistband, right at the small of his back.

He got a soft, content sigh for it, as John snuggled in. Rodney forgot sometimes, that while John was more dominantly a top, he had also bottomed/subbed before and enjoyed it.

But this was also an area that Rodney had hardly any experience in. While John might be able to switch, he certainly wasn't able. Hell, he hardly related to people on a good day, let alone trying to take care of someone else. That's why he had a cat. They were self-sufficient and he didn't have to do anything except be around when they wanted to be petted.

Rodney absently rubbed his hand over John's back, the fabric of his shirt rumpling a little.

John arched into the caresses, leaning his head back to look at Rodney. He had a little more awareness, but still looked relaxed, content. "Mmmm."

"You okay?"

"Mmm hmmm. Relaxed. Thank you."

"I didn't really do anything. Well…I mean, I did do something, obviously I came, but that's really nothing new when it comes to you and us and ah…sex between us…yeah…"

A slow smile curved John's lips. "Was perfect."

"Are you sure? I really don't do this part well."

"Mmm hmmm. Thank you." John nuzzled at his neck again. "Needed this. Don't want to think for a little while. Is perfect."

"Hmm…okay," Rodney said, patting John's back again. "You can…ah have anything you want, you know that, right? I mean, that's really nothing new. You can have whatever you want usually, too, but…ah… I guess I'm just pointing it out now that you can have whatever else you wanted…any other part or thing or whatnot…"

John mouthed sloppy kisses up Rodney's neck until he found his mouth.

"I…um…" Rodney said, his words finally swallowed up by his lover's mouth. John's kisses were wet and dirty, making Rodney moan and squirm a little as John ground down into him.

His lover shifted so he was straddling Rodney's legs, the damp fabric creating all kinds of friction as they rubbed together. "I need to be naked."

"God," Rodney groaned, getting aroused again from the sensations and from the broken quality in John's voice. "Feels good."

"Yes, yes, please, Rodney..." John whimpered a little, rubbing. "I need, please... hurts..."

Rodney's hands drifted over John's torso, digging at the edge of his shirt, tugging it upward, trying to help John strip. As John sat up and struggled out of his shirt, Rodney's fingers attacked his pants, unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning the front of his BDUs.

John was semi-hard when Rodney got his pants finally pushed down and out of the way, and he was panting softly. "Don't want to think, just want to forget, for a little while... Please, I'll top later, I promise, I just want to not think right now..."

"Fuck me, you can do it in your sleep," Rodney said, opening his legs. "No thinking necessary."

John groaned, crawling up and grinding their groins together. "Need lube."

"Side table. Drawer." Rodney remembered tossing in a bottle when he'd cleaned this afternoon.

John reached over him, grabbing it. "Good planning."

"Need….need more of them stashed all over," Rodney said, groaning as the first of John's lube-coated fingers slid inside of him.

"Yes..." John hissed the word as he pushed inside Rodney's body, starting to coat him. "So tight..."

Rodney lifted his hips, wanting more of John's fingers inside of him. Deeper. He groaned as John slid over his prostate, igniting a flame of arousal once again.

"Want you to come again when I'm inside you."

"More," Rodney whispered, begging.

John added another finger, pressing deep.

Rodney felt himself stretching, opening up for John. This was so intimate, this kind of touching. No one else made him crazy like this, touched him like this. Rodney felt his head tilt back against the couch cushions, his eyes closing tightly so all he felt was John inside of him, touching him, stroking him.

"So beautiful..." John's voice held a note of awe.

"John…" he groaned, canting his hips up again.

He got an answering moan, and John twisted his fingers, rubbing right against Rodney's hot spot.

Moaning loudly, Rodney's body trembled with need, his cock rock hard. One of his legs was trapped against the back of the couch, held there by John's body. John's other hand—the one not doing wicked things to his ass—was drifting further up Rodney's body, heading right for his nipples.

When he managed to touch them, he twisted a little, dragging sensation out and sending it shooting straight down to Rodney's erection. "Need to be inside you, need to be inside you..." John started chanting to himself softly as he pulled his fingers free and started slicking himself up.

"Yes, please, yes, John, please," Rodney begged, trying to position himself for John, but his lover just took hold of his legs—lube-covered hand and all—and pushed his legs back, nearly folding him in half. Rodney felt John press against him a second before John was shoving inside, pushing deep, stretching him more.

They both groaned as John slid completely home. He dropped his head, breathing hard. "Oh, god, so good..."

Rodney nodded, trying to catch his breath as John filled him. Spreading his legs to the side gave him enough room to unfold them, wrapping them around John's waist instead. He tugged, pulling his lover in deeper, his moan catching in his throat.

John shifted so they were plastered together, chest to chest, his nose in Rodney's neck again. "You smell good."

"Full…so full," Rodney groaned, arms reaching to hold onto John, to hold onto something.

"Just want to stay here like this all night." John rocked slightly, making his cock shift inside Rodney, then he held still again.

"Bed…" Rodney panted. "Bed would be better."

John whimpered, moving a little deeper inside again. "That would mean pulling out."

"I know…" Rodney moaned, "but you…you could stay…"

"Can't walk and be buried so deep you can taste me at the same time."

"Please…John…couch will kill my back if we stay…please."

John whimpered, but sat up slowly. "Bed, please, fast. I need you."

"Yes, yes," Rodney said, moaning as John eased out of him. His lover had him by the hand a second later, dragging him into the bedroom and pushing him onto the bed, crawling up over him a heartbeat later.

And then John was pressing back inside, joining them together, and cuddling close again. "Rodney..."

"Oh god," Rodney moaned. For a brief moment, it was almost too much. He swore he could feel John's cock all the way up into his throat and that had to be why he couldn't catch his breath. Full. So full…full of John, buried deep inside of him, right where he loved to be…John thrusting into him… He moaned again, tugging John closer.

John was chanting his name, repeating it over and over, breathlessly. His hips started to move a little more, gentle rocks in and out a few inches at a time.

Just as Rodney was beginning to thrust up to meet him, John stopped, pressing in deep, his arms wrapped around and underneath Rodney.

"Not yet. Don't want to come, just want to stay like this, so deep, feeling you aroused with me."

Rodney whimpered, but nodded. Whatever John wanted.

John's hand worked between them, stroking Rodney a few times. "Stay hard, just like this."

"Yes….yes, sir," he panted, head back, exposing his neck which John took full advantage of, licking and nipping and biting. Every touch of his mouth sent shivers of pleasure and pain throughout Rodney's body, which only made John growl, low and deep.

He started to mark, finding places that didn't have even traces of old marks to stake his claim in vivid Technicolor.

Rodney dug in fingers into John's back, nails scraping against skin as he arched up into John's mouth, moaning and whimpering, breathing only for the few seconds when John backed off before finding a new place.

When John finally lifted his head, there was a ring of marks across Rodney's shoulders. He growled, leaning in to lick at the string.

Pain mixed with pleasure erupted along the line that John's tongue made, Rodney's fingers digging into John's back once again.

John hummed. "Mine."

"Yes," Rodney whispered, trying to shift, but John held him in place.

"Want to keep you like this forever. Buried deep inside you, feeling you all around me."

"As…as long as I can."

John made a happy noise, thrusting a few times again before stilling and nuzzling at Rodney's neck again.

Rodney moaned, trying to catch his breath. His hands slid down John's body, resting just on the tops of John's ass cheeks. Between the pressure of John lying on top of him and the pleasure of being filled, taken like this, Rodney could feel himself dropping down, his body and mind responding to John.

They stayed like that for what felt like a long time, John occasionally moving, enough to keep them both interested, aroused, but not enough to let either of them get off.

Rodney was in heaven and hell, trapped somewhere in the middle as John shifted again, moving within him before settling in once again. He was down to small whimpers and moans, the best he could do right now like this.

John's breathing was ragged. "I... I have to come soon. Can't do this much longer..."

Rodney simply clutched John tighter to him, trying to rock slightly, but John had him pinned too effectively, too well.

"Hold still and just let me love you." John whispered it in his ear.

He whimpered quietly and nodded, dragging his hands along John's back, turning his face toward John.

John started rocking a little more, in and out, dragging the pleasure out so it was like they were floating in it.

Their cheeks were rubbing together, the stubble rough where they touched. Rodney's cock was trapped between their bodies, leaking pre-come and getting stroked with each of John's thrusts. His lover was determined, focused.

John was moaning softly, his thrusts starting to get a little harder, a little longer. His breath coming a little faster.

All Rodney could do was moan and whimper, wanting more and less at the same time as John took him apart piece by piece.

"Come for me. Want to feel you."

Rodney sobbed quietly, his orgasm quickly following John's request. It was slow and deep, his trembling starting from within and taking his breath away.

John continued to thrust all the way through it, rubbing against Rodney's prostate and dragging his orgasm out.

With John milking every last drop out of him, Rodney continued to shudder and tremble, the waves of pleasure washing through him until it was nearly on the side of too much.

And John was still inside him, still hard. As Rodney came down, he pushed all the way in and held still again.

Rodney simply let out a half-hearted moan, sated and post-coital. John could twist him into a pretzel and he wouldn't care right now.

John shifted around, sending a few more sparks through Rodney's body, then he buried his face in Rodney's neck, panting.

"You didn't…" Rodney whispered, "…didn't come."

"Don't want to. Not yet."

Rodney whimpered quietly.

"Just want this, feeling you tight and hot all around me, pressed against me, filling every sense I have."

"Here," he whispered, turning his face a little toward John.

His lover made a soft, content noise, turning his head enough to lick at the corner of Rodney's mouth.

Rodney shifted, sending sparks through his body. His mouth dropped open in a quiet moan which John moved to cover almost immediately, lips against lips, mouth to mouth, swallowing Rodney's moans.

John kissed softly, licking in and then backing off to nibble, only to dive back in again.

There was no way that Rodney was going to get it up again, but this was… He simply let go, giving John everything.

John seemed content to just make out, kissing lazily, wetly, softly, sweetly... it was like he was cataloging every type of kiss.

Rodney let himself get lost in the feel of John—in him, over him, covering him, kissing him, touching him. His world was John and John was his world and there was nothing else.

John's hips stuttered a little. He backed off the kiss enough to whisper against Rodney's lips. "How sore are you? Can I fuck you like this?"

Rodney simply nodded. It was what John wanted and Rodney was lost in him. Anything he wanted, anything at all. He moaned quietly, arching his head back slightly, exposing his pale neck.

John took the invitation, licking and sucking on Rodney's neck, starting to rock into him slowly again.

When John's mouth reached the slim silver collar he wore around his neck, Rodney moaned, his hands tightening on John's back again, fingers digging in as he made his own marks on his lover.

"Mine." It was breathed into the metal.

Rodney simply moaned louder. He was so full and it felt so good.

John licked around the collar, his tongue sweeping underneath it as his thrusts got longer, harder.

Clenching down on John's cock, Rodney tried to make it better, tried to make his master happy, tried to give him what he needed, wanted. He needed to be happy, content…better.

John's breath stuttered on a moan, and instead of licking, he was now just panting into Rodney's skin, moist and warm and sending delicious shivers all through him.

He was close. Close to filling him, claiming him.

John started to repeat Rodney's name on every exhale, and he pushed himself up slightly, getting better leverage, finally starting to fuck Rodney hard.

Rodney moaned loudly, his breath catching in his throat every time John thrust in deep.

"Oh, oh..." And then there was heat, deep inside him. John's expression was lost in bliss, his head dropping back and a bead of sweat rolling down the side of his face like a caress.

Rodney wrapped his arms around him tightly, holding him closely as his climax continued to set his muscles twitching.

John sagged, all his weight pressing Rodney into the bed.

John's…all John's. He was happy, content. He'd given John this, helped him, loved him. Sighing quietly, Rodney leaned his head against the top of John's head and closed his eyes, breathing in the musky smell of his lover and sex.

"Nngh."

Tilting his head down, Rodney snuffed into John's mop of hair, moaning quietly, contentedly.

"Crushing you?"

Rodney shook his head slightly.

"Sleepy."

"Mmm." Yes. Sleep would be good.

John shifted, his cock slipping out of Rodney's body as he slid to the side, still pressed close.

As soon as John moved, Rodney whimpered, his ass reminding him of what he'd done tonight. He'd been well fucked. Really well fucked.

"Sore?" John was back to nuzzling again.

Rodney nodded reluctantly. He knew better than to lie. His ass would hurt a lot more than this if he did.

Soft lips pressed into one of the marks. "If it still hurts tomorrow, I'll put some cream on it and kiss it better."

With a quiet nod, Rodney shifted, straightening his legs and trying not to hiss as his muscles realigned. The cool air made him shiver, turning into John a little more.

His lover wrapped his arms around Rodney, tangling them together more firmly. "Sleep."

With a quiet sigh, Rodney let his eyes close again, snuggling into John's warmth, the security of his body.

***

John puttered around their kitchen the next morning as Rodney showered. He was letting his lover go it alone, since he had a mission this afternoon. It was bad enough that he had forgotten his own rule and fucked his lover last night—and Rodney was sore because of it. He wasn’t going to add to the problem this morning.

Instead, he got breakfast ready and tried not to think about the fact that he wasn’t going to be going with them, and that, standing on the balcony watching his team leave without him later, the gossip and speculation would probably triple.

John heard the water turn off and knew Rodney was almost done, drying off his body before he tugged on the clothes John had left in the bathroom for him. Boxers and his uniform.

John shivered a little at the thought, wishing he was in there, running his hands over damp skin. Licking it... No. He had a mission. John had to be good.

Rodney appeared a few moments later, body still half damp, towel in one hand and a tube of something in the other. He was sheepish as he approached. "Do you mind?"

"That sore, huh?" John took it, dropping to his knees and twirling his fingers to get Rodney to turn around. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that last night."

"It's fine," Rodney said quietly, spreading his legs for John. There were still droplets of water in the small of his back, hovering just above his ass cheeks.

John was a strong man—but not that strong. He couldn't have resisted leaning in to lick away the stray drops if someone had been holding a gun to his head.

"Mmm," Rodney hummed quietly, approvingly. John knew right then that Rodney had come out here half wet just for him.

With a soft moan, John chased down every spec of moisture, until all that was left was pure Rodney. He was hard—achingly so—and wished his lover didn't have to be in the gateroom in a few short hours.

John turned him, pressing kisses into Rodney's groin, getting a welcoming erection and a moan in return.

Opening his mouth, John let the hot, silky cock slide over his tongue. So good. He should stop. Rodney would be off-world, and he needed his concentration... But then there were hands in his hair, tugging, and John's ability to resist was gone. Completely and utterly. He closed his eyes and moaned around Rodney.

"Whatever you need, John." The words were quiet, whispered.

Humming, John started to move, blowing his lover, loving the taste, the feel, the fullness of it.

Rodney moaned above him, his hands sliding gently through his hair, petting him, caressing him.

John got a hand around his own erection and started to jerk himself off he set up a rhythm.

"Oh….John…so hot…"

"Mmmmm." John sucked harder, looking up through his lashes.

Rodney was watching him, his eyes at half-mast, mostly pupil.

Slowing down, John focused just on the head of Rodney's erection, not breaking eye contact.

"Oh god," Rodney breathed, locking his knees.

He sucked hard, pressed his tongue right against the sensitive bundle of nerves right under the head. He was getting close, his hand speeding up on his own aching member.

"John…please…"

Humming, John blinked once. Come, Rodney. Let me taste it. I want to be finding traces of you in my mouth all day.

With a groan, Rodney closed his eyes and came, spilling into John's open and willing mouth.

He swallowed every drop, not letting Rodney slip free until he had milked every pulse from his lover. Then he pulled off and licked him clean, just in case there were a few stray drops. Then, pushing his nose into Rodney's groin, John sped up his hand trying to find his own completion.

It didn't take more than a few seconds, a few more strokes of his own hand before he was coming, moaning and panting into Rodney's skin.

When he was finally able to catch his breath, he tilted his head to look up at his lover. "I don' seem to be too good at discipline t'day."

"Whatever you need, John. I told you that." Rodney's voice was quiet, loving, his hand stroking gently along his jaw.

Closing his eyes, John let himself have this, just for a minute. He let himself sink down, let himself be loved and cared for while he just accepted it.

Rodney shifted, dropping down to his knees and pulling John into a hug, tucking his face into John's shoulder and hanging on.

Finally, with a soft sigh, John lifted his face from where he had just been breathing in his lover. "Need to put the cream on you, so you can get dressed."

"I have time."

"Need to give you enough time to get into the right headspace. This is dangerous right before a mission." And he wouldn't be there to prevent mishaps. He had to rely on Teyla and Ronon and Lorne to bring his Rodney home safe.

"1400 mission departure."

John sighed. "Be careful out there."

"I will."

"I wish I was going with you."

"I know," Rodney said quietly, holding John a little tighter.

"I have to go see Kate again soon. It's going to be a daily thing for now. Hopefully I can figure this out, soon."

"You will. You're stubborn enough to make sure."

John kissed his lover, letting their mouths slide together, a perfect fit. "Stand up and let me lube you up."

"Mmm…only if you're sliding in."

John chuckled. "No more fucking until you get back. We'll have celebratory sex and I'll fuck you through the mattress then."

Rodney leaned in, kissing him again before moving away and turning, putting his back to John. Then, leaning forward on his hands he pointed his ass right at John. And waited.

John groaned a little. "You're killing me here." He got some of the cream on his finger and rubbed it down his lover's crack, then pushed the tip just inside, trying to make sure he coated it completely.

His lover was a little red so John got some more cream and pushed in a little deeper, wanting to make sure he got all of the sore spots. Rodney groaned quietly—half in pleasure, half in pain.

"Bad?"

"It'll be fine," Rodney panted.

John kissed each cheek. "I'm sorry. I won't forget you have a mission again."

"I could have reminded you. I chose not to."

"It's supposed to be my job to remember." John got a bit more of the cream, rubbing it inside his lover.

Rodney groaned again, panting quietly. "Love to feel you inside me."

"I love to be inside you."

John curled his finger a little, getting a pleasure-filled moan from his lover.

"Are you getting hard again?" It was almost hypnotic, watching his finger disappearing and reappearing.

"God, yes," he panted.

John grinned a little. "Can you come just from this, from one finger and nothing else?"

Rodney nodded and John could see a light sheen of sweat across his lover's shoulders. This was just about the best way to apply cream.

He got a bit more—he was going to have to get another tube from Carson, this one was almost gone—and pushed back inside Rodney. If nothing else, he would know his lover was completely covered. No sore spot would be left without attention.

And Rodney was so beautiful like his, his ass in the air, offered up to John, legs spread wide. His cock was hard, brushing against his stomach. Rodney's head was down, resting on his forearms as he concentrated on the sensations John was giving him and keeping his body still—without the use of any bondage. This was because he wanted to, because he was submitting to John, taking whatever John gave him without argument or complaint.

It was absolutely amazing. They had come so far together, and still it felt new, powerful, brightly-colored... John wished he could slide home, could feel Rodney clench around him, but that was out of the question this morning. "After you come, I want you to blow me. I can't have your ass, so I'll take your mouth."

"Yes, sir," was Rodney's panted response, the words drifting into a moan.

Pressing his finger a little deeper, John found Rodney's prostate and started to massage it.

Apart from the shudders rolling through his lover's body and the moans, Rodney remained still, submitting to John, letting him play and tease and pleasure.

"I love you like this. Lost in your own pleasure, open for anything I want. You're gorgeous, Rodney. Absolutely beautiful."

"Yours."

Humming, John rewarded him with a hard press right against his prostate.

Rodney's strangled "oh god" sounded so right.

"Come for me. Let me see you fall apart."

John let up on Rodney's prostate and then pressed in again, harder. The strangled moan caught in Rodney's throat, his entire body pausing for a half-second before John felt the orgasm rolling through his lover. Muscles clenched down on John's finger, Rodney's body trembling as he spilled over his stomach and the floor.

John massaged that special spot until right when he judged it would be too much sensation. Then he pulled his finger free slowly, the cream making sure there was no friction in the movement.

Even as Rodney's body was still trembling with aftershocks, John gently pushed him onto his knees. His face showed how wrecked he was, how beautiful he was like this. John leaned forward, pressing kisses to the top of Rodney’s head.

"Open your mouth." John was panting now himself, hard and leaking again. He knew no man their age should be able to have this much sex, but he wasn't going to question it. Maybe it was something in the Pegasus water.

Rodney complied, looking up at John with glazed eyes.

John positioned himself, and then slid the head of his cock over Rodney's lips before pushing it between them.

They both moaned as John slid in, Rodney immediately starting to suck and lick at John's cock.

He kept his thrusts shallow, more letting Rodney suck him than really fucking him.

Rodney's eyes were closed as he concentrated, moaning and humming around John's cock.

It didn't take much more. John managed to whisper a warning before he was coming, pouring himself down Rodney's throat.

His lover swallowed as quickly as he could, but a few drops escaped his mouth, trailing down the side of his face. Rodney continued to swallow and suck until John softened completely. Then, he simply held John in his mouth, breathing through his nose, bliss on his face.

Pulling out, John sank down to the floor, putting his arms around his lover and holding him close after licking away the few stray drops of come on Rodney's face.

Rodney settled in close, tucked up against John's body, completely relaxed. He had to be if he wasn't complaining about the hard, cold floor.

"We really need to get up soon. Don't want you to be in pain later."

"…m good."

John huffed a little, then forced himself to sit up. "C'm on. Breakfast."

Rodney peered up at him, only opening one eye, one really sated and content eye if John read it correctly.

Smiling, he traced a finger along Rodney's jaw line. "I'll feed you, but you need to go get your pillow to kneel on so you don't hurt yourself."

Nodding, Rodney turned his head, pressing a kiss to the inside if John's palm. It took him a moment—and several muttered curses—to get him upright, padding into the bedroom, his towel and tube of cream forgotten on the floor.

John grinned and gathered up the forgotten items, setting them aside. He grabbed the food he had pulled out for them—the last of the fresh fruit he kept in the suite, and some day-old bread he'd grabbed at lunch before running out yesterday—and settled into his chair to wait for his lover.

Rodney returned a few moments later bearing more than just his pillow. Clutched in his other hand were the thin silver wrist cuffs, cock ring, and nipple rings that matched the collar he always wore. He handed them to John before settling down next to the chair, offering up his wrists silently to him.

John licked his lips, rubbing at the metal. None of it was particularly tight or restricting—it was jewelry, not bondage gear, meant to be symbolic. It wouldn't get in the way while Rodney was off-world, but it would remind him that he was John's. With a nod, he slipped them on, twisting the locks into place. "Don't forget that you're mine. And that you have to come back through the gate whole and safe."

Rodney nodded, giving John the access to his body that he required to put each piece in place. Once the cock ring was in place, he finally knelt down once again, scooting between John's legs, pressing in close.

John ran a hand through Rodney's hair, petting him. "How's your ass feeling?"

"Sore."

"The cream helping?"

"Think so." He nuzzled in closer to John, his breath hot against skin.

"Mmmm, good." John started to feed them both, making sure Rodney got more than he did—he could just go to the mess later, but his lover would be god knows where.

And Rodney ate everything from John's hand, pressing in close to him, contented sighs floating up to John every now and then.

This was good. Very good. The stress, worry, tension he knew was waiting for him outside their door didn't matter here. He cherished these quiet times, when they were just touching, just together.

This helped ground John, helped him push everything else to the side. Here, it was simply John and Rodney and caring for his lover was…while not easy, it was fulfilling in a way he could have never imagined.

When the food was gone, John just let them both stay in position a little longer, petting Rodney, loving the little noises his lover made. But a quick glance at the clock made him sigh—he had to be down to see Kate in about thirty minutes. "We have to get moving."

"I know." Rodney's response was quiet, but alert. He'd come up from his earlier deeper headspace.

"Love you." John didn't care that his expression was soft, probably sappy.

Rodney pressed a kiss to John's groin, just above his cock. "Love you."

John tugged him up, leaning down to meet him for a kiss.

Rodney opened up, moaning into the kiss, tongue battling a little with John's, sliding together.

It was hot, it was good, and John had to break it before they got too lost in it again. "I have to get dressed. Have a meeting soon. Skipping the psych session probably isn't a good way to get fixed."

"This doesn't make up for it?" Rodney's eyes were teasing, the corner of his mouth raised in amusement.

John laughed softly. "Yeah, if this is the reward I get for going, I'll be there on time, and talk about anything she wants, every day."

"You have me, any time you want. That should be a pretty good incentive…at least I think it is."

"It is. More than just 'pretty good' actually." John smiled as he stood, helping Rodney to his feet as well.

"Good. That's what I want to hear. A little ego stroking never hurt anyone."

"Mmmm. How about fantastic, amazing, beautiful, perfect..."

Rodney leaned in capturing John's mouth in a kiss, his hands on either side of his face, holding him close.

John opened up, let Rodney control it for a moment, let him claim John's mouth.

He pulled off gently, nipping at John's bottom lip before lifting his eyes to look at his lover. "Listen to Kate. Don't get overwhelmed or worried. Lorne will make sure we're safe."

He sometimes forgot that Rodney knew him as well as he knew his lover, so he gave the other man a somewhat sheepish smile. "I'll try. I hate that I'm not going with you, but... just be careful okay? Listen to Lorne, and let Teyla and Ronon protect you."

"I will…as much as I ever can." Rodney's smile was equally sheepish.

John stole another quick kiss before linking their hands and leading his lover to the bedroom. "I'll listen to Kate and try not to worry, and you'll listen to Lorne and try not to get into trouble. A fair trade I think."

Rodney snorted, tugging John into the bathroom. Yeah, the come on his stomach should probably be cleaned up.

They quickly got cleaned up and dressed, with plenty of caresses and kisses on both sides. Finally, John knew he had to leave or he would be late. "I'll see you again before you go."

"Of course."

Because he knew he wouldn't be able to do this later, he leaned in and kissed Rodney deeply one last time. "I love you. Come home safe."

"Mmm….do my best."

"I know you will."

"Go terrorize Kate. I have to go to the labs and make my minions cower before I leave."

Laughing, John pulled away. "Sir, yes sir!"

"Oh, stop," Rodney said, rolling his eyes. "That's my line."

Still chuckling, John blew him a kiss and wandered out, heading down to see Kate. His good mood lasted until he was in, sipping on the coffee she offered, and the reason he was there came crashing back.

"You seem a little less stressed this morning," she said calmly, sipping on her tea, croissants on the small table next to the chairs.

He felt his ears get hot. "I, ah, engaged in a little targeted stress relief this morning."

"How did it help?"

He shrugged. "I'm less tense this morning, or I was. Given how much gossip got around just by last night, I'm sure after my team goes through the gate without me, it will redouble and I'll be ready to hurt something again by tonight."

"And how will that help you?"

He looked away. "It won't. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but... it's funny, I've been talked about behind my back most of my life. But this time, for this reason, it bothers me."

"Why do you think that's the case? How is it different now?"

He thought about it for a minute, finally sighing. "Probably because the things I've been talked about before were all stuff I had made a conscious decision about, and knew how it would be perceived. This time... I don't really have any control over it."

"Like what? Can you give me examples?"

"The most recent that comes to mind was the black mark. I didn't know it would go that far, but when I took the helicopter against orders to try and rescue my men, I knew if I survived there would be consequences. I considered it an acceptable trade."

Kate nodded. "But now? What are they talking about now that makes you feel so out of control?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. Most people don't know why I was taken off active duty, but there's a lot of speculation. But if they find out the military commander of a base in a war zone has lost his mind, things won't be pretty."

"Do you really think you've lost your mind?"

"I don't know. And that's what..." He said it quietly.

Kate ducked her head, trying to meet his eyes. "And that's what?"

He looked at her through his eyelashes—not trying to be coy, but unable to meet her gaze head on. "What terrifies me."

"You're allowed to be frightened, John."

He shook his head. "No, I'm not. People need to be able to look at me and see me handling things, dealing with the situation. They need to know their leader isn't afraid, to give them the courage to set their own fear aside."

"Do you really think your men will look at you any different if they know that some things out here scare you, too?"

He struggled to find a way to explain it to her. "It's not that... I don't think they'll look at me different, no. But... they're terrified out here, and for good reason. Being able to look to your leaders, see them calm, collected, unafraid... it gives them the strength to find their own courage. I can't, won't, take that away from them."

Kate inclined her head slightly. "So where does that leave you? Would you rather just pick up and walk out instead?"

"No, that's why I'm here. But..." He sighed again, cutting his eyes to the side. This was hard, admitting this stuff at all, much less out loud. "That's why I've repressed so much of it for so long, and probably why I'm here in the first place."

"So what do you want me to do, John? Do you just want me to be a sounding board so you can get it off your chest and then bury it again?"

He huffed. "That's probably not very healthy is it? And we'll just end up doing this again when I lose my mind again in another year or two."

Kaye shrugged. "Possibly. Either that or something else might happen to you or your team and you may not be available to have this conversation at that time."

Twitching, he nodded. "Okay, so repressing isn't a good option. Give me some others. I don't... that's how I've always dealt with shit. I don't know what else I can do."

"Why do you feel that you've only been able to rely on yourself?"

God, they were going to have to dredge up all his issues if he wanted to fix this, weren't they? "Because... then I don't have to... people let you down. They decide they don't like you, they leave, they die. It was always... easier... to just rely on myself I guess. I know I've had people in my life, my surrogate family of sorts, that cared, but... even then it wasn't until recently that I even realized they cared."

"What about your family back on Earth?"

"My father... has more or less disowned me, and my mother died when I was pretty young. I spent a few summers with my Grandmother, on my Mom's side, before she died—she taught me to cook. I haven't spoken to my brother in years, either. I have some friends I've made over the years that are... that think of me like family. I just didn't realize that until my last leave on Earth with Rodney, actually."

"Why are you estranged from your brother?"

"He never approved of me. He and my father are a lot alike, and I... wasn't like them. My dreams and ambitions were so far outside theirs, they never really understood, or agreed."

"What did they want you to do?"

John sighed. "Run the family business. I'm the eldest, so everyone assumed I would take over. When I had other plans..."

"They didn't approve," she said nodding with understanding. "So when you were growing up did you and your brother get along?"

John shrugged, staring off into the distance, into his past. "Occasionally. We were more or less raised by the staff, most of the time. And while I loved spending summers with our Grandmother, he hated it. We were always very different people, right from the start. So after a while, we didn't see each other much. During school, we had our own sets of friends and classes, and during the summers, he started staying home, and I kept going to California to see Grandma. So we didn't see each other much, except for formal occasions, dinners and the like."

"So apart from the staff and your Grandmother, you took after yourself."

"Yeah, pretty much. Our father was busy running the company. He was always going around the world on business trips, or if he was home, holed up in his office cutting deals or whatever. David loved it, was always trying to be a part of that world. I... didn't care and wasn't interested in learning about it."

"So what did you do?"

"The house where we lived most of the time has a big stable, so I rode a lot. As I got older, I discovered skateboards and snuck out to go do that whenever I could. By then I was pretty firmly the black sheep of the family, so even most of the staff just ignored me."

"So you were more or less on your own? Since what age?"

"Well, my Grandmother died when I was nine, so probably after that. Before she died, I towed the line more or less, to ensure my stay with her wouldn't get taken away as a punishment. My father really didn't approve of her, at all, but she was a relative and for all his faults, he had loved my mother. So he tolerated me going every summer as long as I didn't do anything too against the grain."

"So you were on your own, fending for yourself at age ten?" Her words were calm, even, non-judgmental.

He shrugged. "I guess. I didn't really think about it, to be honest. I missed my Grandmother, so that was more important, more overwhelming, than anything else. She was an amazing lady; I had so much fun when I was with her. I could be a kid, instead of the well-behaved little clone my father wanted at home. And I put what she taught me to good use. She taught me to cook, and I still do, for recreation sometimes. Rodney is going to try and smuggle in some actual cooking equipment and spices and stuff for me in the science manifests, if he can."

"What was so special about her, besides her cooking?"

He actually smiled at that. "She's the one who taught me how to skateboard. God, my father would have been pissed if he knew she was where I had learned it. And we'd go to museums, camping... I always hated the end of summers and having to go home. She would have loved to have me live with her, I think, but she believed I'd be better off at home, where I could get a better education."

"She taught you to skateboard?"

He laughed. "She was pretty awesome. This little old lady out there in a helmet and pads—she made sure we both had all our safety gear every time—and she'd be out there showing me how to do flips and turns and stuff. I have no idea if she learned it because I was interested, or if it was something she always did. She died before I got old enough to think to ask."

"How did she die?"

He shifted his gaze, looking out the window. "I don't know, not completely. I was told she had died, and I remember going to the funeral. But if anyone told me exactly what happened, I have no memory of it. And when I tried to ask my father, he wouldn't answer. I stopped asking, and now we don't talk at all."

"Did you blame yourself?"

He grinned a little sheepishly. "Probably. I'm not sure what I thought I could do, but I always wondered. She died not long after I had gone back home for the school year."

"So you felt guilty about something you had no control over and then your father more or less left you on your own."

Blinking, he nodded slowly. "I guess, yeah. When you put it that way, it sounds a lot worse than I thought it was at the time."

"Did you have any closer friends at that time?"

"Then? No." He quirked his lips slowly. "I was pretty withdrawn for a while, so anyone I might have considered a friend just moved on. And David and I still had nothing in common, so... I was on my own, pretty much. I spent a lot of time out with the horses."

"When was the first time you left home?"

"What do you mean?"

Kate looked at him for a minute. "When was the first time you left your house, your father, to head off on your own?"

He ran a hand through his hair, a nervous gesture. "Well, I, ah, didn't spend a whole lot of time at home after that. I slept there, and ate there, but otherwise I found other places to be. I... ran away for the first time when I was twelve, after an argument with my father. He called in a few favors and had some cop friends of his haul me back home a few days later. After that I tried it a few more times, after particularly bitter arguments, with the same results. When I was sixteen, I decided I wanted to fly, and if I wanted to make it happen, I had to have a clean record and a stellar academic record. I stopped being a deliberate pain in my father's ass and started studying."

It was odd. She'd known he'd run away, almost like a sixth sense. But she hadn't batted an eye. "Why did you leave?"

He shrugged. "I was angry, and to be honest, I didn't think anyone would notice or care that first time. After that... it was one of the few forms of rebellion I had at my disposal that I was willing to use."

"So the last time you ran away was when you were sixteen?"

He nodded. "I had charmed my way into an air show—more for something to do than anything else. I saw the planes, saw what they were doing... It was.... They were so free, I managed to talk my way in to where the pilots were lounging while they waited to suit up, and was pretty much hooked. I wanted to be those guys. I had been pretty... aimless up until then. I knew I didn't want to run my father's business, but other than that, I had no clue what I wanted from life. But... after that, I had a goal."

"So you buckled down, started studying."

"Yeah. I didn't bother to tell my father the real reason for my sudden change of heart. He just thought I'd finally gotten over the 'phase' I had been going through. I used to hear a lot about how he had to pay a ton of extra money for me because they wanted to toss me out because of low scores. I went from barely making good enough marks to stay in school to suddenly being at the top of every class. After we got through a few rounds of everyone checking me for cheating, everyone else pretty much assumed the same thing as my father."

Kate nodded. "I'd like to go back to talk a little more about the years that you ran away from home. Most people would do anything to live the kind of life you were born into. Why was it so horrible to you?"

John sighed softly, looking away. "I got a lot of lectures about how I was ungrateful, a disgrace to the Sheppard name, a lazy slacker that would end up on the street if I wasn't careful."

"What did your father say to you?"

"There were times I thought he hated me. I still do, sometimes."

"Why?"

"Because I wasn't what he wanted. I…I know I should have been grateful. You're right, I was born into privilege and money. I never really had to worry about what I would eat or whether I would have a warm bed. But..." He couldn't meet her eyes.

"But what?"

"The price of all of that was... more than I was willing to pay, even at a young age."

"When you ran away, how long did it usually take before you went back home?"

"A few days, usually. I think it took them that long to realize I was gone."

"Who noticed?"

"My school. They would call to find out why I hadn't been in classes for a few days."

"How did it make you feel when you learned that it wasn't your father who noticed you were missing?"

"I wasn't surprised he hadn't noticed. He rarely noticed me when I was there, unless I had embarrassed him, or if he was trying to cram me into the perfect son mold."

"You embarrassed him? How?"

"Well, being dragged home by the police was a big one. And then my... sexuality became an issue as I got older. Not to mention the whole military thing."

Kate raised an eyebrow. "Why do you say that?"

"Because I'd hear about it. A lot. In detail."

"How would you hear about it?"

John ran a hand through his hair. "Usually loudly."

Kate tipped her head to the side. "How?"

He shrugged. "How else do you speak loudly?"

She narrowed her eyes. John knew what she had meant, but had chosen to be ornery—and she knew it. "What would he say?"

Sighing, he gave in. He didn't know why any of this really mattered, but if he wanted to get back on duty ASAP, he had to play the game correctly. "Pretty much what I told you. That I was a disgrace, that I was a lazy slacker that would never amount to anything. That no son of his was a fucking queer. Sometimes he was right, and sometimes he wasn't. I went out of my way to piss him off at times."

"Why?"

"Because I could." He quirked the corner of his lips. "I went through a pretty bratty phase."

Kate's lips twitched in amusement, but her voice was calm, level. "Why did you want to piss off your father? Was it a way to get back at him? To take control?"

"Probably a little of both. At the time I didn't give much thought to why. It wasn't until I decided I wanted to fly that the game got old."

"Why was that?"

"Why did I want to fly?" He gave her an incredulous look. "To be honest, I don't really understand how everyone doesn't want to."

Kate shook her head. "No. Why did the game get old?"

"I wanted to fly. Everything else became secondary."

"It was a chance for you to get away from everything, wasn't it?"

He looked out the window, and the clear blue Lantean sky. "Flying is... I can't describe it. It's freedom, it's exhilaration, it's pushing yourself as far as you can and then going a little further. Even before I decided to join the Air Force, I was always reaching for the sky. I always wanted to have the highest jumps, go the fastest, the farthest, of anyone else."

"Pushing yourself to do well is not a bad trait."

"Maybe."

"Why maybe?"

"It's gotten me into trouble more than once."

"How so?"

"Black mark. Reprimands. KP duty. I've gotten pretty much every punishment you can get and still be in the military. Quite frankly I'm surprised I still am."

"For trying to do well? I doubt that."

"No, not for trying to do well. For not being willing to concede defeat, and going against orders to prove I'm right."

"Looking back, do you think you were wrong in what you did?"

John closed his eyes against the sorrow that always lurked around the edges when he was forced to think about his past. "I'm only sorry I didn't save them. That it was all for nothing."

"So you think your actions were wrong?"

"No, but I know I'm pretty much alone in that assessment."

"Does that bother you?"

"It bothers me that three good men are dead. The rest...doesn't matter."

"So being alone doesn't bother you."

He opened his eyes, tilting his head slightly. "I'm not alone. I have Rodney."

Kate nodded, jotting something down in her pad. There was a lot written there already. When had she done that? "When was the last time you spoke with your father?"

He tried to see what she was writing, but she was good—she managed to shift it out of his view without making it look like she was doing it on purpose—not enough for him to call her on it without looking like as ass. "I don't know. Years."

"What did you talk about?"

"It was just after the whole Afghanistan thing, before my hearing, before I went to Vegas to wait it out. We screamed at each other until I grabbed the keys to my motorcycle and left. I didn't try to contact him again, and he's never tried to get in touch with me."

She nodded again. "Why do you think that you and your father don't get along?"

John shrugged. "I'm too much like my mother, with just enough of him thrown in to make us butt heads."

"That the only reason?"

"Probably not, but since we've never gotten along, it was the first one."

"Was he strict when you were a kid?"

John snorted. "What part of trying to force me into the image he had of what his son would be like doesn't sound strict to you? He didn't care about who I was, who I am. All he cared about was what image he wanted to project, and being pissed at me when I didn't tow the party line."

"How about before your mother died."

"I don't remember then. I was pretty young when she died."

Kate nodded again, silent as she looked him over carefully. "Okay, John. I think we covered a lot today. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about? We still have a few minutes."

He blinked. "Um... can I ask a question? What does all this have to do with me losing my fuc— losing my head in the field?"

"You'd be surprised at how events in our early, formative years can mold and shape the way we grow up."

"Yeah, but I was fine until this last mission." He scrunched his face. "Not that trolling back through my oh-so-happy childhood isn't a blast, but... how will this help me get it together to be safe in the field again?"

Kate leaned forward, her eyes intense. "John, think about this question seriously before you answer me. And honestly, I'm not looking for an answer right now. Were you really 'fine' before the last mission? When was the last time that you were 'fine' with yourself, with your partner, with your life?"

His eyes widened. He opened his mouth to protest, but closed it again at a sharp look from her. Gazing out the window for a moment, he responded quietly. "I've been more fine on Atlantis than I can remember being, with only a very few exceptions. If I lose this place, Rodney, the team here..."

"John," Kate's hand was heavy on his arm. "Really think about my question. We can talk about it tomorrow."

Blowing out a breath, he nodded. "All right. Same bat time, same bat channel?"

She smiled gently, squeezing his arm. "Exactly right. I'll have breakfast waiting."

He gave her a ghost of a smile, reaching over to cover her hand on his arm briefly—the best he could do for a thanks right now, he was all talked out—then stood up. "Enjoy the rest of your day then."

"You, too," she said, her voice following him out into the hallway.

Feeling a bit at odds, John wandered toward the labs. Maybe he could find something useful to do there. Maybe something physical enough—like hauling equipment around for them—so he could shut him brain down for a reboot.

Rodney was there, waving his hands and yelling at one of the scientists about almost blowing up the lab—again.

John leaned against a wall and let the sound wash over him. He was pretty sure he was one of very few—possibly the only—person who found a Rodney-rant soothing.

"And no, I don't want to hear it. You knew you weren't supposed to look at, let alone touch, that device," Rodney was ranting. "There's a reason all new members of the Atlantis mission are given a three month breaking in period—because we're trying to make sure you don't break any of us with your stupid, moronic know-it-all attitude. And yes, I am allowed to have that attitude because I am in charge and I'm a genius and I've also saved this city far too many times in the past year when you were back on Earth sipping Starbucks coffee and playing with yourself instead of doing real work. And another thing…"

"He is on quite a row, isn't it?" Zelenka said quietly, startling John a little.

Trying to look like a geek with fuzzy hair hadn't just managed to sneak up on him, John cocked a grin. "Gotta break in the newbies before they blow something up."

"Oh and this one came close," Radek said, keeping his voice low, his eyes on the scene still playing out—loudly—on the other side of the room. "It is Sanchez, from your country. Worked at Area 51 for a time. Believe he and Rodney had a run in there as well. He is good scientist but tends to…" Radek's hand waved in the air. "You know."

"Charge ahead with no idea what he's doing, leaving a path of tears and destruction behind?" John shook his head. "I'll leave him to it then. Need anything moved? That's actually why I'm here. I have some downtime, and I know you guys always have equipment that needs to be shuffled around."

Radek shifted beside John as he turned to look at him. It was careful, controlled, evaluating. "I have a few Ancient devices that need your gene."

Keeping his expression mild, John nodded. Using Ancient equipment, especially things they didn't have a good idea of their function yet, required a great deal of concentration on his part. That would be perfect. "Lead on."

"Are you certain you did not need to wait to speak to Rodney? He is winding down. I can tell, voice is less shrill when he gets to the end."

"Nah, I don't want to distract him. I wasn't really here for anything in particular, just to offer my services as a lightswitch-slash-grunt."

Radek nodded, gesturing for John to follow him out of the main lab. As soon as they were in the hallway it quieted down considerably. "Distraction for McKay is sometimes good. He has been…better the last few weeks. Calmer and more focused. Do not discount your uses. I may have you look at Simpson's homework. Her math is not right, but I have not had the chance to look at it yet. I do not wish to subject her to McKay's wrath this afternoon."

John blinked. "Her math?"

"You are MENSA. You can find problems," Radek said easily with a bare hint of a shrug. "We will not mention your assistance to Rodney."

"Wait, how did you..." John gave him a rueful look. His cover, it seemed, had been well and truly blown.

"Rodney was…unhappy about revelation several months ago, or was it nearly year?" Radek shrugged, turning into another lab—a much quieter one. "He was mumbling about it for days."

John ran a hand through his hair. "I don't make a habit of letting that get out. And you know I'm not actually a member of MENSA, right? I passed the test to prove a point, but I never did anything with it."

"Yes," Radek said with a quiet smile. "That upset Rodney more. And we will not let the news of your brilliant mind escape into the science community. Rodney would have fierce competition and might not survive."

John felt his ears get hot. "I'm not brilliant. Just good at math, and that's really all the MENSA thing is. If you can spot the patterns and do the statistics, you can't fail it. Not like you guys." He ignored the competition comment. That was just... no. This was how rumors got started—he wasn't sexy, and it baffled and warmed him that Rodney disagreed. He didn't need to start a debate about it with the whole science team though.

"It is similar. But yes, we need to keep this among ourselves. You are admired by too many already. If they knew about mind, there would be plots to bring you into science department and into beds. No. We cannot have that."

John's flush got more pronounced, it the heat was any indication. "I'm not... people aren't..."

Radek just waved him off, pointing to one of the laptops. "Here. Start with this."

With a look at the scientist, John shrugged and sat down. As usual, when he actually let himself get into math, he got lost in it. He spotted a few mistakes, highlighting them and making notes off to the side on what they should be.

Coffee and snacks appeared at his elbow, silently materializing. And when John would glance up, he'd find Radek across the room intent on his own computer screen or jotting down notes on the small PDA he kept with him.

It was... oddly soothing. He could see why the scientists enjoyed this. It was calming, relaxing, and used up all of his mental resources, leaving no room for anything else. The further in he got, the more complicated things got, requiring him to really focus.

It was some time later when John felt a light touch on his arm. "Colonel?"

"Hmm?" He didn't look up. He almost had this one figured out, if he could just follow the logic through to the end...

"Rodney has headed for mess to get lunch before his mission. I assumed you wished to eat with him before he left."

John tore himself away from the screen. "What time is it?"

"1320."

"Christ." John blinked a few times. "This is some serious crack you have here, Zelenka." He had to shake himself a bit, trying to break free of the lure of the laptop.

"It is addicting," Radek said with a smile. "It will be here after lunch."

Huffing, John stretched, working out the kinks. "Maybe. I want to go catch McKay and the rest of my team before they head out, so I'll see you later."

"Go. Find me when you are ready to return."

John huffed again, heading out with a wave. He made a beeline for the mess, finding all three of his teammates at their usual table. He dropped down next to his lover. "Your second in command is evil."

Rodney glanced up, mouth full of food. He rolled his eyes and chewed enough so he could get words out. "Course he is."

Under the table, John bumped his leg against Rodney's rubbing his foot along the other man's ankle. "He sucked me into math problems when I went down this morning to offer myself up for lightswitch duty."

Rodney snorted. "Simpson's work? No wonder Radek didn't want to give it to me this morning."

"It actually wasn't that bad. Well, not that I found anyway. What I could understand of it."

John got a roll of Rodney's eyes in response as the scientist turned back to his lunch. Teyla picked up the conversation a few beats later. "Do you wish to reschedule our training session for tomorrow? I forgot to inquire about your availability yesterday."

John smiled, rubbing his foot against Rodney's ankle in another covert caress. "No, we're still good. My training and base activities aren't changing all that much."

Rodney's leg shifted closer to him as he continued to eat. "Good," Teyla said with a smile. "I have several sessions scheduled for tomorrow and I did not wish to leave without confirming our appointment."

"Yup. You can beat me into submission as scheduled." He grinned at her.

Rodney snorted into his sandwich. Ronon just shifted forward on his elbows. "You gonna keep running?"

John laughed a little. "Yes. Physically there's nothing wrong with me. So my regular fitness and conditioning routine won't change. If I had to give that up, I'd be adding flabby to the bored, and no one really wants that."

"You missed this morning."

"I had an appointment. I'll probably go this afternoon though."

Ronon grunted something in response as he nodded. Apparently the questions were to make sure John was still planning on hanging around.

Teyla shifted in her chair, sliding it back. "Ronon and I will meet you in the gateroom, Rodney. We wish to discuss something with Major Lorne before we depart."

Rodney looked up, confusion on his face. "What? Why didn't you tell me—"

"It is nothing to concern you," she said with a quiet smile.

John watched them go, stealing a sort-of fry off Rodney's plate. "Be careful, okay?"

Rodney was still focused on his teammates as they disappeared out of the mess. "Yes, of course. Do you think I'm suicidal?" He paused, dropping his gaze to John. "No. Don't answer that."

John chuckled. "They're probably going to intimidate Lorne. They had that sort of look about them."

"Lorne's fine. He knows what's he's doing out there most of the time. Come to think of it, his team seems to get into a whole lot less trouble than we do."

"Hmph. Just don't get too attached to him. You can't keep him."

"I guess we'll see about that, won't we?" Rodney snapped, but then instantly looked regretful. "I'm sorry. That was mean and uncalled for."

Sighing, John rubbed again, wishing they weren't so much in public right now. "I hate that I'm not going with you today, but the sooner I get this taken care of, the better off we'll all be."

"I know, I know." Rodney sighed and John could see the tension in his lover's body. "But it's an easy mission. Go. Say hi. Come home."

"Yeah, it will be. You'll be home for dinner, and I'll be waiting for you."

"Teyla's going to do all the talking," Rodney continued, his hand tightening on his fork, knuckles turning white as he squeezed. "It's safer that way. We all know she won't insult anyone."

John risked putting a hand on Rodney's arm, squeezing lightly. "It will be fine. You said yourself, Lorne knows what he's doing. Don't worry."

"Yes, I know. Keep my mouth closed and listen to what all the warriors tell me to do."

"No, go out there, and do your job, and let them worry about the rest. You'll do fine."

"And we all know what my job is out there, don't we?" Rodney asked bitterly, his gaze moving to his watch. "I have to go gear up."

Sighing, John let his arm drop. "I don't want to do this here, but just... you're important, Rodney. I know you're needed here on Atlantis, but the team needs you too. We wouldn't be alive without you. I... if you really hate it we can talk about scaling back missions. I really don't want you to leave us though."

"We'll see," Rodney said non-committedly as he pushed his chair back. "I should go before they send Ronon to get me."

John knew there was still plenty of time, but it was even more than obvious that Rodney didn't want to talk about what was bothering him.

He rose as well, stealing the last fry. "I'll meet you in the control room to see you off."

Rodney nodded, offering John a thankful half-smile as he headed out, leaving John with the tray.

John picked up the tray, dumping it and wandering toward the transporter. Why couldn't anything ever be easy? Why did it always feel like it was two steps forward, one step back?

Chuck glanced up from his workstation as soon as John crested the stairs in the control room. "Afternoon, Colonel. You're a little early."

He bit back the response that he had no where else to be, and pasted on a pleasant smile, nodding. "Wanted a good view."

"And you'll have one, I'm sure. Major Lorne's already been through the mission checks."

"Great." He fought down the wave of jealousy, of frustration. He had asked for this. He had gone to Kate. He had to remember that. Lorne wasn't going to take his job. He wasn't going to be sent back to Earth and locked in a lab to turn things on for the rest of his life. It was all fine.

"You okay, sir?" Chuck was looking at him carefully.

"Dandy."

The technician nodded, turning back to his board that had suddenly looked a lot more appealing.

John mentally chided himself, knowing he had to stop moping. "Elizabeth in her office? Do you know if she's in the middle of anything?"

"She's in there. Not sure what she's working on," Chuck said with a shrug. "There's always something."

Chuckling, John nodded. "Isn't there always?" He made a point of smiling ruefully, giving the tech the illusion of being "in" on something. It was a look that rarely failed to put people at ease, and it worked again now. With that small fire put out, he drifted toward Weir's office, chiming her door.

Elizabeth glanced up from her computer, offering him a smile. "John, come in. Here to see your team off?"

"Of course. Couldn't let them go without their bagged lunches and pats to the head." He paused, the mental image of trying to pat Ronon on the head making his lips quirk, before he dropped into the guest seat.

She chuckled. "Somehow I doubt Ronon would let you pat him on the head."

"Probably not," he grinned at her. "Anything interesting I should know about up here?"

Sighing, she shook her head. "Yearly evaluation reports for some of the department members have finally begun hitting my desk. They're already late, so the SGC wants them ASAP."

He rolled his eyes. "Contact with Earth definitely has some down sides."

"I agree. The supplies are good, though. With no more threats of cut off supplies, the scientists have stopped hoarding coffee."

"Well, the regular coffee at any rate. They still hoard the good stuff. And the chocolate."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "I don't think I want to know."

He chuckled. "The black market is still booming, it just has better stuff now."

"I was right. I didn't want to know," she said, her eyes flickering past John. "Are you ready?"

It was only years of training that allowed John not to stiffen. He glanced over his shoulder to see Lorne, geared up and ready to go. "Take care of my team for me, Major."

"Of course, sir. Wouldn't have it any other way," he said with a tight smile. Seems Teyla and Ronon had talked with him.

John chuckled. "Whatever they threatened you with, I'm sure they didn't actually mean it. You'll all do fine."

"Yes, sir." John's reassurance didn't seem to go a long way to ease the man's tension. "Ma'am, we're ready to head out."

John rose, following them out. He caught his teams' eyes. "All right, kids. Be nice to poor Major Lorne. Follow his orders, and bring him back in the same condition you found him in."

"Isn't that supposed to be the other way around?" Rodney asked, checking his pockets in his usual pre-mission routine.

"I know you guys. Lorne has no idea what he's getting himself into." He glanced at Ronon—who was baring his teeth in an intimidating grin—and Teyla—who looked serene and satisfied. "Play nice."

Ronon grunted something in reply and Teyla nodded. "We shall."

"Dial the gate," Elizabeth said as they all headed down to the main staircase leading to the gate.

Taking his place next to Weir, John ruthlessly suppressed the longing to be down there, to be with his team, to be going through the gate, to adventure, discovery, excitement. Now wasn't the time.

As the wormhole connected, readings began to come into Atlantis from the MALP left on the planet from the initial survey six hours earlier. "All clear," Chuck said, giving his team the final okay to depart.

"Good luck guys." He wouldn't say be careful again. He knew he had already said it enough times. Although, could there be such a thing as enough for that? Probably not. "Be careful."

It was Rodney who turned back, offering a half-hearted smile just before stepping through, the last one to cross the threshold.

The arrival confirmation came through a few beats later, Major Lorne reporting in—by the book—repeating their check-in time of two hours later. And in another heartbeat, the gate shut down leaving the gateroom oddly quiet and dark.

John didn't realize how long he had been standing there just staring at the empty gate until a hand landed on his elbow.

"They'll be fine."

"I know." He glanced away from the gate, but avoided Elizabeth's gaze. "Zelenka mentioned needing some help in the labs. I should probably head back there."

She was quiet for a minute, before nodding. "Probably. I'll let you know how the check-in goes."

"Thanks." With a nod, he headed out, hoping to lose himself in equations again until his team—his lover—was back safe and sound where they belonged.

Radek was still in the lab where John had left him, a half-eaten sandwich and empty mug on the table next to his computer. There was a covered plate next to the workstation John had been sitting at.

John ignored the plate and plopped down, grateful everything was like he had left it before. It didn't take him long to get lost again, the numbers dancing across his brain, forcing him to exercise skills he hadn't actively used in years.

The numbers were all-encompassing, pulling him in deeper and deeper. He could hear Radek taking various radio calls throughout the afternoon, the accented voice quiet and non-evasive.

It wasn't until another voice, not nearly as soothing, suddenly invaded the quiet that John semi-snapped out of it.

"What the hell is he doing here?" Kavanagh asked.

"Working." Radek's voice was hard, all sharp edges.

"He's not a scientist. He barely has the brain cells to stay alive." The sneer was there, in full force.

"What did you want? I don't have the energy or the desire to speak to you for any length of time."

"He's going to break something, and then I'll get blamed for it." Kavanagh crossed his arms. "I want to know what he's touching."

"None of your business. He's being supervised. What did you want?" Huh. He hadn't heard Radek when his voice got cold like that.

"I want to know. If I'm going to be blamed for it, I at least deserve to know what systems to check tonight before McKay gets back."

"Enough," Radek said, standing, moving into Kavanagh's personal space, making him back up several paces to the door. "Did you have a question or did you come to annoy

me? Pick one."

Kavanagh looked thrown for a moment, then rallied. "I came here because McKay locked me out of the main system. I need access to complete my experiments. And don't think this is over with the lightswitch over there. If you won't tell me what he's messing with, I'll be forced to go over your head."

"He locked you out for a good reason," Radek said, his arms crossed over his chest. "The answer will not change because he is on a mission. You know this and yet continue to ask. And as for Colonel Sheppard, as acting chief science officer, I am the head of this department until Doctor McKay returns. What I say goes. Now leave."

Kavanagh shot John a dirty look, huffed, and turned on his heel to leave.

John sighed. "Thanks for defending my honor."

Radek shrugged. "It is none of his business, but he wants it to be. If anything happened to Rodney he would be the first one to rally for his spot." The Czech closed his eyes and sighed, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "I should get something for dinner."

Blinking, John looked at his watch. "Shit, it's later than I thought. Elizabeth was supposed to let me know when the team checked in. And they should have been back by now."

The Czech glanced up at John for a split second and then looked away. "Were they?"

John narrowed his eyes. "What aren't you telling me?"

He sighed, his jaw tightening. "They did not check in yet."

"Fuck." John was on his feet and out the door, tapping his radio on. "Sheppard to Weir."

"Yes, John?" Elizabeth's voice was wary.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me they hadn't checked in? What's going on?"

She sighed quietly. "There was nothing to tell. They missed the two-hour check in and we have not been able to raise them."

"I'm on my way. Is a team ready to go look for them?"

"John we're not sending anyone yet. There's no point in coming here until we know more which is why I didn't call you."

"They're how many hours late checking in? And we can't raise anyone on the radio? Just how long are we going to wait?" The transporter blinked, letting him out near the control room.

"Three hours."

He let the military commander take over, shoving down the worried lover and friend as he strode into Elizabeth's office. "Let me take a jumper and go check."

Elizabeth tapped her radio off as she stood. "No."

"You know they wouldn't just miss check-in. It's been long enough that we need to send someone. If you won't let me go, send someone else."

"John, you've been out of contact longer than this. You know what SOP is and Major Lorne's team isn't overdue yet."

He ran a hand through his hair, blowing out a frustrated breath. "I'm not cut out for a base job. I need to be the one out there, not sitting here waiting and wondering."

"Welcome to my world, John," Elizabeth said, her expression softening her harsh words. "Yes, they've missed their check-in, but according to standard procedure we wait until they're overdue before sending in the Calvary."

He dropped into her chair, although his restlessness didn't allow him to sit still, knee bouncing and fingers drumming his feelings against fabric. "Have I mentioned I suck at desk jobs? This is about the time I drove most of my commanders to distraction."

"We're only at day one, John," she said quietly, looking down on him from where she stood behind her desk.

"Which would be why I was never on a base after assignment for more than a day or two before I was either being given a new assignment or sent somewhere else. How long until they're overdue?"

Elizabeth checked her watch, counting the minutes. "Less than an hour."

He sighed. "Permission to take a Jumper out on a quick survey. To the mainland and back. If I don't, I'll drive us both crazy waiting."

"Go back to working with Zelenka."

"I can't concentrate." He gave her a small, tight grin. "The choices are either having me here driving you nuts for an hour, or letting me work it off in the air for an hour."

"Stay."

He ran his hand through his hair, scrubbing at it—he was sure it was probably even more unruly now. Maybe he could use this time to tackle another problem. "Has Rodney talked to you at all lately?"

"About what specifically?" she asked, settling back down into her chair. "We've talked about a number of things and you know how Rodney can get with his emails when he's determined about something."

He chuckled. "Yeah. I get a million of them sometimes. But this was... he's made a few comments about thinking he wasn't pulling his weight on the team. He does more than just pull his weight, but I get the impression he's decided he's dragging Ronon, Teyla and me down for some reason."

Elizabeth's eyebrow rose as John spoke, her expression going carefully neutral about mid-way through. "He hasn't put in any formal request to be taken off the team."

"But you know something."

She shook her head. "More comments in passing."

"He's resisted me trying to talk to him about it. I can make it an order, but I'd rather not. I have no idea what caused this, or how to go about convincing him he's an integral part of the team. Without him, we'd all be dead a few times over by now."

"I agree with you, John, but something has him spooked. And he hasn't really said anything to me about it." She paused, taking a breath. "It's more subtle things. The way he phrases his reports, his comments, how he emphasizes his lack of research time on base. Sometimes I think he's trying to convince himself."

"I know for a fact he loves field work. He'd go as stir crazy as me if he was forced to stay on-base all the time—maybe not as fast, but it would happen. I have no idea what prompted this."

"It's been building for a while now."

"But why? That's what I don't understand."

Elizabeth shrugged nearly at the same time as the klaxon sounded signaling an incoming wormhole.

"Ma'am, I’m receiving Teyla's IDC."

They were both up, and at the balcony in an instant.

"Lower the shield, let them through." Her voice was a tight as John felt. He prayed everyone came through, alive and whole and unharmed.

It took a few moments, nearly a minute, before the first person stepped back through—Teyla. She looked fine. Still on her own two feet. She paused, turning back as the rest of the team came through.

Ronon was helping a limping Lorne. Rodney was on Ronon's other side—walking on his own—but sporting a large bruise to his left eye and a hand held close to his chest.

"Sorry about the missed call," Lorne said as the gate snapped closed.

John had to bite his lip to keep from talking over Elizabeth, just pushing her aside and demanding answers.

"What happened? We were starting to get a little worried, Major." She was moving down the stairs, John behind her.

"Everything was going well. Teyla was talking about a treaty and opportunities for our peoples and the next thing I know Doctor McKay was yelping about something. Things got a little…fuzzy about what happened, exactly. Turns out it was a misunderstanding."

She looked at Teyla. "Fuzzy? I need a bit more than that. Give me a rough idea of what happened, and we can do a full debrief after you've all been checked out in the infirmary."

"I don't appreciate getting groped in public," Rodney hissed. "And I don't care if it was a friendly let's get to know each other gesture, either. There was no reason for her hand to be anywhere near my leg. How was I supposed to know that it was an insult to the grand poobah's daughter's aunt's mother?" He frowned. "I protested, got punched, defended myself and then we all made up and everything's hunky dory. Can I go to the infirmary now?"

John stiffened, but Elizabeth beat him to it. "Yes, you can. But I want all of you back in the conference room in an hour."

"Fine," Rodney grumbled, already headed off to the infirmary, Teyla trailing behind him.

"Sorry, sir," Lorne said quietly. "It really was a misunderstanding."

John gave his second a rueful grin, even as he started walking with them. He'd give Rodney a few minutes to cool down from his irritation, then pull him aside. "It usually is. Let's get you checked out. I'll get the whole story in the briefing."

"This is nothing. I tripped on the walk back to the gate."

"Still, get it checked out. I'll meet you there." He sped up, knowing there was a small window between when Rodney arrived at the infirmary and when he would attempt to rush out. John wanted to make sure he caught his lover before he could run.

He could hear Rodney as soon as the doors to the infirmary opened. "…just clean it already. The damage is done."

He found his lover with Carson. There were no nurses in the immediate area, so he moved closer. "Hey."

"Colonel," Carson said with a tight smile, "I wondered when you would arrive. Perhaps you'd convince your…" John almost thought Carson was going to say 'lover', "…teammate that I need to actually check him over and not just clean up the scrape on his hand."

John jumped up to sit on the bed beside Rodney, pressing his thigh against his lover, the only comfort he could offer in public. "You should listen to him. Arguing will only drag this out. I'm sure you're fine, but it will make Carson feel better, right Doc?"

"Of course I’m fine. Only my pride is injured."

John bumped his shoulder against Rodney's. "What happened out there? It doesn't sound like it was a big deal, but I'm curious."

"One of the big-wigs' daughters decided to try and get frisky," Rodney grumbled as Carson finally managed to latch onto his left hand. "I over-reacted. Teyla and Lorne smoothed everything over. We have a tentative treaty and they'd like us to come back and visit again. End of story."

"Over-reacted? Or just objected to what you viewed as being groped?"

"Over-reacted. Apparently it's a common custom for someone to put their hands on another person's leg. The problem is when you shove that hand away. Then they're insulted."

"But you didn't know that up front, and our custom is that you don't touch without permission. If they had done it to me, I probably would have reacted the same way." A quick glance around showed the three of them were still relatively alone, so John reached out to take Rodney's free hand squeezing it gently.

"And so yet again, I managed to make a scene and nearly screw up the meeting." He hissed as Carson hit a sore spot, cleaning some of the dried blood away. "And that hurts. Can you press any harder?"

John let go of Rodney's hand to wrap his fingers around his lover's face, forcing Rodney to look him in the eye. "You're not a screw up. It could have happened to any of you, and Lorne or I would have reacted the same way. It was just bad luck that it was you. I don't know why you think you're not an important part of the team, but you are."

Rodney winced a little as he squinted to focus on John's face, the skin around his eye all bruised and swollen. It was going to be one nasty bruise once all of the color made it to the surface. "Yes, bad luck. Shall I start carrying around a rabbit's foot, too?"

The need to make the fear, the worry, he could see in his lover's eyes go away made John ditch caution to the wind and lean in to brush their lips together. He didn't know what he could do to convince the other man.

"Colonel…John…" Carson's whispered warning gave him just enough time to back off before the rest of his team, plus Lorne and two nurses strode into view.

He reluctantly went back to swinging his legs, making sure he and Rodney were pressed together side by side.

Lorne had his ankle wrapped in Ace bandages and was sporting a pair of crutches. "How are you doing, Doc?" he asked, pausing by the bed.

"Fine," Rodney grumbled, watching as Carson carefully wrapped his hand in gauze.

It was a more relaxed grumble though—John counted it as a victory that Rodney seemed to have relaxed, at least for now. He reached over to brush a bit of invisible dust from his lover's jacket, which let him lean in briefly to whisper. "I'll kiss it better tonight. Let's get you through the debrief and I'll bring dinner to the suite."

"There you go," Carson said, taping the bandage in place. "That should keep it clean and unfortunately, there's not much I can do about the eye. It'll get better in a few days."

"Yes, yes. Are we done?"

"Aye. You are. Let me get you some ibuprofen to take tonight to help you sleep."

"Thank you," Rodney mumbled before glancing up at the Major. "So is it twisted or sprained?"

"Just twisted." Lorne shrugged as best he could with the crutches. "If I stay off it tonight and tomorrow, I should be fine. How about you? How's the hand?"

"It was better before Doctor Frankenstein started poking at it."

Lorne cut his eyes at John, then smiled. "Well, at least we're all in one piece, right?"

Rodney snorted. "Still hurts, though."

They all chatted as they moved to the conference room, the actual debrief just more details elaborating on what Rodney had told him. It really hadn't been anyone's fault, but for some reason Rodney had decided it was.

Afterward, John slipped to the mess, loading up a tray with finger foods, and already planning ways to try and get his lover to let go and relax for the night.

***

After the debriefing, John had grabbed his arm, letting him know he was going to pick up dinner and would meet him in their room. John had walked away before Rodney had the chance to protest and right now he was too tired and sore to argue. He'd wanted to stop at the labs, but it wasn't worth the effort to argue with John for a ten minute detour.

Dragging himself to his room, Rodney tugged off his uniform jacket, leaving it on the couch before heading into the master bedroom. He stopped in front of the mirror, finally taking a look at his eye that was nicely bruised and swollen. It was tender to the touch, but would go down eventually, leaving a nice colorful bruise while it did.

He sighed. It was always something, these days. Sometimes he just wished things were quiet, calm. It would be easier.

He was still staring into the mirror when John poked his head in the bedroom.

"Hey." His lover moved behind him, wrapping his arms around Rodney's waist

Sighing, Rodney leaned back into John, resting his hands on his lover's. "Hey."

John nuzzled at Rodney's neck, pressing warm kisses to the exposed skin. "I brought dinner. I want to feed you, make you feel good."

He nodded. Right now that was the only thing he wanted. To feel good and forget about yet another mission screwed up because of him. Rodney leaned back a little more heavily into his lover.

John's hands slipped out from under his, moving under Rodney's shirt to lightly fondle his nipples.

Rodney hummed, letting out some of the tension in his body, letting John hold some of his weight. This is exactly what he needed.

His lover's lips had moved to nibble at Rodney's ear, in between soft whispers. "Let go for me. Let me have all of you tonight."

"Mmm," Rodney hummed, letting go of the rest of his weight, leaning entirely on John, trusting him to hold him up.

"Good. Very good." John's approval was warm, and Rodney was rewarded with more soft kisses, his nipples being slowly sensitized.

Rodney moaned as John tugged at the rings, drawing out his nipples, pulling them away from his body before releasing them, the pain going right to Rodney's cock. He could feel his body reacting, his pants getting tighter as he hardened.

"All decked out for me, decorated for me. Are you getting hard for me, too? Leaking? Is your ass clenching, wishing it was being filled?"

"Yes, John," Rodney panted. His lover knew it, knew how his touches aroused him.

"You're wishing you were naked right now, aren't you?" His lover's chuckle was low, and the question was accompanied by light tugs to the rings.

"Oh…yes…" Rodney moaned, breathing heavily, body trembling. He wanted to feel John against him, against his skin. "So much."

"Too often, I have you strip yourself, or we're in a rush. I think I want to take my time tonight. Reveal you slowly. Savor each body part as I reveal it, let the anticipation build."

"Please, John," he breathed, turning his head so his breath was ghosting over his lover's neck and jaw. _Please make me forget. Please stop me from thinking. Please help me so I can help you._ They were all in those two words, buried deeply. But John knew. He always knew.

"Shhh. I'm here." His hands withdrew from Rodney's chest. "Come into the kitchen so we can have dinner."

Rodney let John shift him back onto his feet, drawing him forward by his good hand.

"All I want you to do tonight is submit. Just let go of everything. I'll take care of you." Rodney was settled on his knees, on his pillow, at John's knee in the dining room. As soon as he was settled, his lover's hands were carding through his hair, caressing him.

Rodney kept his eyes closed, letting John's touches ground him, relax him. He moved to put his hands behind his back, but his left hand caught on the edge of his pants and he whimpered, pain welling up.

John made soothing noises, drawing his hands back around. "Leave them at your sides for now. First I want to feed you, then take my time undressing you."

"Yes, sir," Rodney said quietly, opening his eyes as John tilted his head up, his hands on either side of his face. John's thumb lightly caressed the edge of his blackening eye, his eyes intent on the skin beneath his finger.

"Who gave this to you?"

Rodney felt his face flush, mortified, but he answered. "The leader's daughter."

"The one who tried to feel you up, then used you rejecting her as an excuse to start a fight?"

"I over-reacted."

"No, you didn't. Not from what I heard in the debrief. And no one else thought you did either."

"She didn't mean anything by it," Rodney protested, the tension returning again. He had wanted to forget, but he should have known better. John would want to go through the mission with him, talk about what went wrong. "I wasn't listening as usual."

John shook his head. "Stop right there. You always listen. You don't always agree or follow orders, but you listen. And I don't want to do this, not now. Right now I want you to relax, and this is a conversation that's going to take more time and energy than either of us has right now."

Rodney clamped his mouth shut, waiting, body tense once again, his embarrassment, his memory of the fight, the stupid fight that shouldn't have happened in the first place playing out in his mind.

"Hey. Look at me." John's fingers were gentle against his face.

Rodney lifted his eyes, letting John tilt his head until they were eye-to-eye.

"I love you. That's all that matters right now."

"I love you, too."

John's smile was warm. "Take a few deep breaths. You can close your eyes if it will help. Try and drown out everything except me and you and right now."

Concentrating on John's face for a few moments, Rodney took several deep breaths, forcing his body to relax. It was getting easier to do this with John. He closed his eyes and continued to breathe. He heard John shift and a light kiss was placed on his forehead. Two more quickly followed, one on each eye, John extra gentle with the one that had been bruised.

Fingers brushed across his lips, followed by something sweet being pressed between them.

Rodney opened his mouth, letting John slide in the food, an explosion of sweet and tart exploding on his tongue as he chewed. One of the almost-grapes. He hadn't thought they were still in season.

He got a purr from John, and then his lover fell into his pattern when he fed Rodney bites of food, with soft touches everywhere John could easily reach in between each one.

By the third or fourth bite, Rodney simply let go. He wanted to forget. He just wanted to be held, loved.

Finally, John's voice broke the easy silence. "Dinner's done. Let's take this to the bedroom."

"Yes, sir," Rodney whispered, John's hands helping him to his feet. He kept his eyes closed, letting John guide him, direct him. It was easier. John would take care of everything.

John led him to the middle of the room, arranging him with his hands at his sides. His hands were back under Rodney's shirt, pushing it up to expose nipples that were straining to meet John's fingers.

Groaning, Rodney's body trembled as John played and teased him, the rings only heightening the sensations. His cock was hardening once again as his body relaxed for John, as he gave up pieces of himself to his lover. Each touch, each caress wore down his outer defenses, opening him up for John to see.

"I love your nipples. Sometimes I think I rush through playing with them to get to other things. I think tonight I want to worship every inch of you."

"They're all yours," Rodney whispered.

John hummed. He pushed the shirt the rest of the way off, then ran his hands up and down Rodney's arms. He lifted one, pressing his lips to the inside of the elbow.

"John…" he whispered, only to get the soft press of a finger against his lips.

John's lips moved down his arm, tongue tracing around the cuffs circling the wrist, darting under the edge of it.

Rodney moaned quietly, shivering from the sensation.

John continued his path, mouthing his way down into Rodney's palm, then out to the tip of each finger, sucking lightly on them.

Rodney found his eyes open, watching as John worshipped each of his fingers before turning his attention to his left hand. He was gentle, careful, avoiding the area Rodney had injured, but making sure each finger was caressed and touched and kissed.

He followed the same pattern on the other arm, then worked his way up, to lavish attention across Rodney's shoulders.

When John moved behind him, Rodney wanted to turn and follow, but John's hands were firm and insistent, keeping him in place. Rodney closed his eyes, his body trembling as John placed gentle kisses on the nape of his neck, just under his hairline.

John snuffled up into Rodney's hair, then he started downward. Pressing kisses along Rodney's spine, then branching out to his sides, his waist.

This slow slide down, these gentle touches and caresses were breaking him just as surely as fists or words.

"Perfect." John whispered it into his skin.

Rodney let his head drop down, chin touching his chest, as he simply tried to remember to breathe. Each kiss, each touch spread a fire along his nerves. Warmth spread outward, his muscles unclenching, releasing their iron-like grip.

John purred, his clever fingers reaching around Rodney's body, flicking open the buttons on his pants. But instead of pulling them down, his lover just exposed Rodney's hips, giving them the same meticulous attention.

Shivering as John's fingers trailed over his hipbone, Rodney moaned, wanting more. He heard his lover's quiet shush, his whispered words, telling Rodney to let go, to breathe, that he was beautiful.

Tonight, John was intent. He continued to peel away layers of clothes, but he avoided touching or paying any attention to Rodney's ass or cock. Instead, he painted kisses over his knees, breathed more praise into his back, lightly ran his fingernails over the soles of Rodney's feet.

Buy the time John reached his toes, Rodney didn't know how he was still standing. He was trembling with need, desire, and love, his knees locked in place so he wouldn't collapse into a pile on the floor.

John lifted one foot, then the other, and finally, Rodney was completely naked. His lover looked up at him, the emotion in his eyes a little humbling and breathtaking.

Rodney took a shuddering breath, his eyes locked on John's.

John shifted, and pressed a single, soft kiss to Rodney's aching erection.

Rodney closed his eyes and moaned, his good hand reaching out toward John. It was clasped tightly a moment later, a kiss pressed into his palm.

John started to worship his hand again, sucking on his fingers, licking up to his wrist. "Love your hands, love watching you wave them all around."

"John…please," Rodney whispered, begging, his voice a little broken.

His lover looked up again, through his eyelashes. "Everything about you is perfect."

"John…"

"Perfect." John sucked on Rodney's pinky.

"Please…" It was almost too much.

Blinking slowly, John let Rodney's finger slide out of his mouth. "Bed."

Rodney nodded, but it was as if his feet were rooted to the spot. His muscles and his brain had somehow disconnected. John's hands moved to his hips, drawing upward as he stood.

Humming again, John leaned in to capture Rodney's mouth. The kiss was like the touches had been—soft, sweet, with so much love it was almost overwhelming.

And without even knowing it, Rodney found the back of his legs bumping against the side of the bed, John gently lowering him down to sit. With John's hands guiding him, Rodney scooted back until he was in the middle of the bed. John leaned in to kiss him again, his body straddling Rodney's, his hands caressing, touching the entire time.

And with John's hand cupping the back of his head, John lowered him the rest of the way to the bed.

Rodney's hands were pushed above his head, his legs spread wide, but no restraints added yet. John just sat back, and looked at him. The expression on his face could only be called awe and hunger.

Breathing heavily, Rodney remained exactly where John had placed him. It was too much to move to shift. John would take care of everything.

The bulge in John's pants was huge, and probably uncomfortable. But instead of undressing, he swept his hands down Rodney's legs, and then started to kiss and caress every square inch of Rodney, all over again.

With a quiet moan, Rodney's body shuddered, his eyes closing as his mind simply stopped.

His world was John—his touches, caresses, kisses, smell—and that's all that mattered.

Because his eyes were closed, there was no warning when suddenly his cock was engulfed in warm, wet heat.

Rodney's breath caught in his throat, his body initial shudder morphing into a constant trembling. He was moaning, he knew, making sounds, noises, but his mind had disconnected long ago.

John sucked on him for what felt like forever, but he made sure it was never enough for Rodney to come. Just unending pleasure, washing over him in waves.

And Rodney let it.

Until John told him to come, he wouldn't. He knew that. He'd make his lover, his master, proud. But like this, floating in a haze of pleasure and tender love, nothing else mattered. Just him and John. Just John.

Finally John pulled off, and the warmth of a body stretched along Rodney's side let him know where his lover was. Fingers toyed with his chest hair. "I want to keep you just like this all night."

Rodney simply nodded. Whatever John wanted. He opened his eyes a little, just so he could see his lover, but his eyelids were heavy.

There was a soft smile on John's face. "Beautiful."

The praise washed over him, warming him, and Rodney knew he returned John's smile—crooked and drunk with pleasure.

John made a soft, happy noise and then they were kissing again, the slow glide of lips together, not urgent, not desperate, just them, together, making each other feel good.

His lover settled over him, between his legs, fitting perfectly. With his eyes closed once again, Rodney could concentrate on the sensations, on the taste of John. It was earthy and perfectly John.

Moving away from Rodney's lips, John mouthed his way down his body again, this time stopping to pay lavish attention to each nipple.

With every tug, every bite, Rodney moaned and groaned, letting the sensations drift through his body. The rings seemed to make everything feel so much better, so much more. He was glad he kept them, happy to have them because John loved them so much.

When his lover started humming again as he played, the vibrations seemed to travel through the rings to every part of Rodney's body.

Rodney wished he could feel like this all the time.

Finally John made his way south again, licking at the head of Rodney's erection. "I want to suck on you for a while, but you can come when you want to."

A moan and a nod were Rodney's only reply before he was enveloped by wet warmth. John expertly sucked him, using his tongue and teeth in equal measure. Pleasure continued to build until Rodney felt himself gently, sweetly breaking over the top. His body climaxed with a hard shudder before the trembling aftershocks rolled through his body.

He was vaguely aware of John milking every last drop out of him, then slowly letting him slip free.

Rodney was boneless, sated, still floating in a haze.

A warm body fitted itself back against his side, a hand coming to rest in the middle of his chest.

He hummed, letting his head roll to the side. "Mmm."

John vibrated as he chuckled.

The sound and the sensation only made Rodney even more content, more calm. John was happy.

Rodney was pulled a little, settled more comfortably against John's chest.

Then John's hands were on his arm, his leg, arranging him carefully. Rodney simply let John move him. Whatever he wanted.

Warm breath was comforting against his neck. "Sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up."

And between one breath and the next Rodney slept.

***

John smiled as his lover relaxed completely into sleep. It had been amazing—even when he submitted completely like he had tonight, John wasn’t sure he had ever fallen so far so fast.

It was humbling, to know his partner trusted him that much.

The next few days were a lot more of the same. They were grounded for a few days while Lorne’s ankle healed, so Rodney worked in the lab, John did paperwork and played in the labs when he could get away with it, and they both enjoyed being able to spend quiet evenings, just the two of them, and one big team night where they watched the first Batman movie. Explaining it to Ronon and Teyla was half the fun.

But now they were off world again. On yet another mission without John. He was progressing—according to Kate—but still… Two weeks and things still weren't settled. He hadn't thought it would take this long. It really sucked to still be stuck on Atlantis with nothing to do.

He wandered down to the infirmary—he hadn’t bothered Beckett in a while.

He found the doctor in his office, staring off into space. “You look as entertained as I feel.”

"What? Oh…Colonel, come in," Carson said, gesturing absently with one hand as he rubbed his other over his face.

John dropped into the guest chair and mentally commanded the door to close. "How are you doing?"

Carson shrugged. "Tired. Busy. The usual."

John settled into one of the chairs. "We hadn’t had a chance to talk, and I wanted to see if you had any more questions. And if not, I'm here because I'm bored and you're my friend so I'll bother you for a while and give Elizabeth a break. "

"No, I’ll let you both know if I do," he said, turning back to his notes.

"Carson?" John didn’t have anything better to do. He might as well use his time, and newfound therapy skills, to good use. “Something is bothering you, and you’ve been avoiding us. What’s up?”

Carson's pen stopped moving, held poised over the chart he'd been writing in. His entire body was still and silent for a long moment before he exhaled quietly. "I…It’s complicated."

"I have time."

Carson sighed softly. “What you have together… I dinna… I don’t always understand it, but sometimes… it’s a bit lonely looking in.”

John rubbed a hand across his face. “I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

Carson shrugged. "I donna mean to sound like I'm…bitter of what you have with Rodney. I'm not. Rodney's probably one of my closest friends and the fact that you can make him happy…no one else can put a smile on his face like you can. I thank you taking the time to explain things to me, for letting me see the two of you in your private times."

John leaned forward, and this time he did rest a hand on Carson's leg. "You're more than welcome, And you know you're always welcome to come over and visit any time."

Carson snorted, but didn't shift away. "And do what?"

"Eat good food, watch movies, play chess, talk about things that have nothing to do with Atlantis. It's too hard to try and do this alone, Carson. Don't cut yourself off or close yourself off—you'll crash and burn, sooner or later. Let Rodney and I be your friends. I know it’s not the same, but we can help."

"I am your friend. Or at least I thought I was," Carson said quietly, lifting his head. John could finally see how much it was affecting the other man. They had been much closer friends before he'd become intimate with Rodney. Now every spare moment was spent with his lover. But for Carson, it had probably felt like he'd been cut off.

"God, yes, Carson. I'm so sorry." He moved so he was crouched next to the other man, squeezing his leg. "Yes, you're our friend. Neither of us ever meant to make you doubt that."

"There's nothing to be sorry about," he said immediately.

"There is if you ever doubted we are your friends."

"You're good for each other. I'm happy for the two of you. Remember, I'm the one who locked you in that room together."

John smiled, nodding. "We are. But that doesn't mean we want to drive our friends away. Come over for dinner tonight. Rodney is off-world until tomorrow—it's an overnight—so I'll just be rattling around anyway. We can put on a movie."

"John, I don't wanna—"

He shook his head and tried to look convincing. "I was just going to watch one by myself. But it will be more fun to have someone there with me. I'll even let you choose the flick."

Carson sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before he finally nodded. "Fine. What time?"

"1800ish? Will you be off duty by then?"

"I'm on late shift, so no. I won't be out until 2100."

"We'll make it 2130 then. Will you have time to eat, or want me to grab something for you?"

"You donna have ta do that," Carson said, already starting to protest.

John moved back to his chair, waving away the protests. "I have to get something for myself anyway. Not all that much harder to get something for two instead of one."

"You're not gonna take no for an answer are you?"

John sighed again. "I will if you really, really don't want to come over. But I would appreciate the company. I'm going fucking insane being grounded and having Rodney off-world without me. Having you there will give me something to do besides worry."

"I don't want to intrude. That's the last thing I want to do."

"You're not." Running a hand through his hair, John let down some of his guards, let Carson see how tired he was, how stressed out he was—at least a little. "I'm driving Elizabeth to distraction, and I think Kate's about ready to toss me through a window. Even Radek has started hiding from me."

Carson nodded, offering his own tired smile in return. "Aye. Did Rodney finish setting up the viewscreen yet?"

"Yeah." John brightened. "It's really cool. We even have surround sound!"

"And nothing bloody. I draw the line at watching anything that I see nearly every day in here."

Chuckling, John nodded. "I can understand that. We have some good comedies from the last re-supply I haven't seen yet. The stupid-goofy kind. Would that work?"

"Aye, that would be fine. 2130 you said?"

"Yup!" John took the hint, standing up. "I'll see you then. Try not to work too hard the rest of the day."

"Bloody reports," Carson griped.

Squeezing the other man's shoulder, John chuckled. "I usually try to foist those off on the underlings."

"I didn't think you were allowed to now."

Making a face, John blew out a puff of air. "Yeah, Elizabeth is getting pissed at me about that, too. Not that I'm foisting them off, but that they're not getting done at all because I can't."

Carson looked at John, his eyes narrowing. "Why not?"

"Because reports suck." John grinned.

"Aye," Carson chuckled. "But that's nae an answer."

"That's what Elizabeth said, only it was accompanied by the Death Glare."

"I can imagine."

John tried to look innocent.

"Oh, go on and get some work done. I'll see you later."

Laughing, John let the door open. "It's a deal. See ya later, Carson."

***

 

Covered head to toe in mud and running for your life through even muddier grounds as the stupid moronic natives suddenly decided that their new trading partner would be better as the main course instead of dinner guests was not fun. Rodney would not recommend it as a new training exercise.

Teyla was up ahead, half mud-covered, with Ronon behind, his gun whining with each and every discharge as he tried to dissuade the native chefs. Lorne was running next to him, helping him when he slipped or tripped. It was hard when the mud kept running into his eyes.

He just wished he knew what he'd done to spook them. It was obviously something he did. Why else did they try to grab him first? And mistaking that lake of mud for a dirt plain had just been a bad judgment call.

God. He had mud everywhere. Places where mud had no right to be.

Next to him, Lorne was shouting ahead. "Teyla! Get to the gate and dial us out! We'll keep you covered!"

The Athosian didn't answer, but Rodney saw her put on another burst of speed as soon as the DHD came into view. Thank god. Rodney had a stitch in his side and he was starting to get itchy. He was probably allergic to the mud and it was also probably crawling with all kinds of bacteria and microbes and…things.

"McKay! Get your IDC ready to send as soon as the gate is active." Lorne whirled around and added his gunfire to Ronon's blasts.

Rodney tried to find it, patting his pockets as he tried not to fall on his face, his hands coming up empty. "I don't have it."

Without looking, Lorne pulled his from his pocket and tossed it to Rodney. "They're hanging back, but not for much longer. Let's move this right along people!"

"What do you think we're doing? Having a nice before-dinner stroll?" Rodney grumbled, wiping a hand across his face, trying to keep the mud out of his eyes. He stumbled and fell to one knee, but Lorne quickly tugged him up again without missing a beat.

The gate whooshed open and Teyla turned, her gun firing at targets behind them. Rodney plugged in the code and pressed the send button, the green light coming back a few seconds later.

"We're clear. Go."

"Go. McKay first, then Teyla, then Ronon and I will follow." Lorne was still firing, as both he and Ronon started to back-walk for the gate.

Rodney wasn't going to argue. Panting and nearly out of breath, Teyla took his arm as he ran past, keeping him on his feet as they made the last mad dash for the gate.

In another minute it was all over, Lorne and Ronon falling through still firing, shouting for them to raise the shield. And then the gate was shut down and Elizabeth was coming down the stairs. Lorne met her, wiping his own bunch of mud out of his eyes. "Ma'am. I'm afraid that one will have to be counted as a 'no go.'"

Rodney leaned over, hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath.

"What happened?" Elizabeth asked, concern laced in her voice. "We didn't expect you back until sometime tomorrow."

"Yeah, turns out that planet sees visitors not as trade partners, but as a food source. Once we got to the village, they tried to make a grab for us, so we had to dash for the gate under fire."

"And the mud?"

"It was raining, Ma'am, and the place was full of very large mud puddles."

"Obviously," she said dryly. The sound of running feet made Rodney lift his head, watching as John and Carson ran into the gateroom at top speed.

"We heard the alarm. What happened?" John directed that at Elizabeth and Lorne, as Carson moved to the rest of the team, practiced eyes looking for damages.

"Unfriendly natives, sir," Lorne replied, "and large mud puddles."

John's lips twitched. "No one hurt?"

"Don't think so. We were a little…focused on not becoming dinner."

Elizabeth shook her head. "All right, go get cleaned up and checked out, just to be sure. Since it doesn't sound like there's much to report, we can do the debrief tomorrow morning."

Lorne agreed, talking with John and Elizabeth as Carson latched onto Rodney.

"You're a bit of a mess, lad, more than the others. Take a fall?"

"You could say that," Rodney wheezed, finally getting his breathing under control.

"Anything serious? If not, I'll let you go home and shower before checking you over."

"I have mud in places never meant to see mud and it's itchy."

"Go get cleaned up then. I'm off duty and was watching a movie with John, so the night shift will check your team over. I'll grab a kit and can give you a quick check in your apartment when I come back by if you'd prefer to do it that way."

Rodney glanced up, eyeing the Scot. "A shower would be wonderful," he said, shivering.

Carson patted his shoulder. "Go on then. I'll see you in a bit."

A quick glance showed John still talking with Lorne, so Rodney headed out, not caring that he was leaving a trail of mud—both wet and dry. He was cold and miserable and someone else could clean it up.

It took him a few minutes to get to his room, his body moving slower than usual now that the adrenaline had all worn off. He aimed right for the shower as soon as he stepped in his room, spotting the bowl of popcorn and bottles of water on the coffee table. Smaller cups with an amber liquid were sitting there as well.

Without taking off his boots or clothes, he stepped into the shower turning on the water. It would be easier to do it all in a warm shower without getting the mud all over. With a sigh, he turned up the temperature and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes as the water ran over him, drenching him.

He didn't know how long he had been standing there when the shower door opened again. "Christ... Rodney? Are you okay?" John stripped out of his clothes and stepped in, starting to work on Rodney's.

"Stop. You'll get dirty," Rodney half protested, his hands trying to intercept John's.

"I'm fine. We need to get you out of this stuff." Nimble fingers made quick work of the straps on the vest, which was pulled off and tossed out of the shower, and John moved on to Rodney's jacket and shirt.

Rodney shrugged, giving up his fight. "Has to get washed anyway."

In a matter of minutes, Rodney was completely naked, and John went to work getting him clean, starting with washing his hair.

It took a while, but finally the water ran clean, no longer tinted by the dirt and mud of Planet Cannibal. John's hands were sure and strong as he finished washing him. The water snapped off a few moments later and then he was engulfed by a large warm towel. John rubbed his hands up and down his arms, drying him off.

"Come on. Carson said he would meet us here to do your post-mission. Let's get you into a pair of boxers, and then you can curl up on the couch. I have the remains of dinner, so you can eat a little something, too."

Rodney chuckled. "Look who's coming to dinner…"

John kissed his nose before leading him into the bedroom, dressing him and switching out the towel for a large, warm blanket.

Warm. He was finally warm.

He was led into the living room and ensconced in the couch, with John piling on another blanket. A glass of water was pressed into his hand. "I'm going to go see what leftovers Carson and I had, and what we have in the apartment. I'll be right back."

Rodney nodded, sipping at the water, his muscles relaxing as warmth spread through his body. Better. Much better.

John returned with a plate of food and snuggled into the blankets with Rodney, pulling him close—he had put on his own boxers after the shower, so it was mostly skin-on-skin. Rodney had only gotten a few bites down when Carson came back. "Ahh, good. I was hoping I had given you enough time. How are you feeling, lad?"

"Warmer," Rodney replied after he'd swallowed the bite of food he'd been chewing.

"Always a good thing." Carson squatted down in front of him. "Let me do a quick check, and then you can stay bundled up for the rest of the night."

"Mmm. 'kay," he said, uncurling enough to give Carson his arm. Blood pressure cuff. Needle for the blood draw. Check of his pulse. Carson worked quickly but thoroughly.

Once he was done, Carson bundled everything away. "Now that you're clean and warm, anything else you want to tell me about? If not, you're good to go, lad."

"No strange microbes? Bacterial meningitis? Some strange virus?"

"Won't know until your blood work comes back." The doctor smiled at him.

Rodney sniffed and tugged the blanket closer. "I wouldn't be surprised if there was."

"I'm sure you'll be fine. Now, I see John's given you something to eat which is good." He glanced up at Sheppard, who was still holding Rodney, although he had shifted during the exam to allow access.

"Why don't we finish the movie? Rodney's seen it before, so he can doze while we watch, and on the very off chance something crops up, you'll be here."

Rodney nodded, letting John tug him into his arms.

"Let me run these back to the infirmary first and than I'll come right back," Carson said, already moving toward the door.

"Okay. We'll be here." When the doctor had slipped out again, John kissed the warm spot just behind Rodney's ear. "Finish your dinner. That way you can just lie back and relax until we head to bed."

"They wanted to eat us," Rodney said quietly, still caught up in the mission. He could still smell them—that slight sour odor of the planet and the people.

Warm hands worked until they were flush with Rodney's chest. "You all made it back safe. You're home now."

"Now, yes. Then, it was a matter of a few minutes and we would have been dinner."

"But you weren't."

"Too close."

"It always is." John sighed. "I hate that you're out there without me. But Kate thinks I'm doing well, so with a little luck, I'll be back to full, active duty again soon."

Rodney shifted, the skin on his back crawling again. "Are you sure you got everything off me?"

"Yes. I scrubbed until you were all nice and pink. Not a spec of mud."

"Are you sure? I feel like something's crawling up my back."

John sat him forward a bit, running a hand up and down Rodney's back. "I don't feel anything. Just skin."

Rodney shivered a little as the cooler air crept in under the blanket. "You're sure?"

John kissed his shoulder. "I'm sure."

Scooting down the couch, Rodney laid down, pillowing his head in John's lap, releasing a long sigh. It had been a long day.

John stroked along his temple, through his hair. "Just close your eyes and relax."

Rodney took another breath, letting John's touch relax him. "So, what's up with Carson?"

"What do you mean?"

"Drinking."

"We were having a little something while we watched the movie. He needed to relax, too."

"Haven't had alcohol in a while."

"I had just poured it when we heard the unscheduled activation announcement over our radios. Neither of us wanted to get drunk, but he needed something to help him relax, and I knew he wouldn't drink unless I did, too."

"Problems?"

"Nothing specific. He's lonely and I think he misses us—and you specifically—as friends. Just hanging out, watching movies, getting in that down time. We've been so focused on each other, I didn't realize we were letting some of our other relationships slip a bit. I was trying to take the first steps to fix that tonight, having him over for dinner and a movie."

"Oh," Rodney said quietly, letting John's petting relax him. "He never said anything."

"I had to pry it out of him. He is happy for us, for what we have, so he didn't want to make us feel bad, I think. But I seem to remember you telling me he plays chess. I might try to set up a weekly game with him, and I was going to see what you thought of setting up regular team nights again. We have this great entertainment center now, we can have him, Ronon, Teyla, Elizabeth and Radek over maybe once a week barring emergencies. It would be a good way for us all to remember why we're doing this."

Rodney let John's words wash over him, settle into his mind. He'd noticed Carson had been a bit withdrawn, but hadn't thought much of it. The Scot was like that every now and again. "Sure," Rodney finally answered. "Here or the rec room depending on who's invited. I'm not sure it's a good idea to flaunt our…relationship in front of Elizabeth or Zelenka."

"We wouldn't be flaunting it. We can keep the doors to the bedrooms closed. But the rec room would work. We could invite Lorne and Parrish in that case, too. Not everyone will be able to make every week, but if we set up a regular time, I bet most of us will make a point of being there whenever we can."

Rodney rolled a little onto his back so he could look up at John. He reached up, letting his fingers trail over his lover's jaw, the metal of his wrist cuff reflecting the light in the room. "I think it's a good idea, but we might need to order more popcorn."

"Mmmm." John's eyes went to half mast as he tilted his head to give Rodney better access. "We can do that. We're going to add more kitchen and personal foodstuffs to our requests anyway, right? If we want to do smaller gatherings sometimes, once I have that stuff, I can cook for them."

"I love you," Rodney said simply, loving the feel of his lover.

The smile he got for that was sweet, open, and full of relaxed happiness. "Love you, too."

"Kiss me?"

John's smile softened, and he shifted so he could lean in, capturing Rodney's mouth in a gentle kiss.

It was awkward but perfect at the same time. Rodney arched up, his hand reaching to hold the back of John's head.

The slow slide of lips and tongues let them both dart in and out, tasting each other.

Rodney purred, letting himself get lost in the feel and taste of his lover. He was too tired to do more, but this connection was just what he needed. The sound of the door chime was the only thing that broke them out of their little bubble.

John broke off with a last nibble to Rodney's lips. "That's Carson. We'll pick this back up later."

Rodney nodded, licking lips and relaxing back down on the couch, his lover adjusting the blanket to cover him once again.

Once they were presentable—which didn't take long, John must have given the door the mental command to open because Carson was strolling in, glancing over them. John smiled at him. "All good in the infirmary?"

"Aye. Just wanted to make sure Rodney's information was recorded and his blood sent to the labs. Are ye sure you want to continue the movie? I can just as easily go back to my quarters."

"We're sure. Rodney probably won't stay awake for the whole thing, but I didn't think you would mind that. We were actually chatting about setting up a regular movie night. But we can talk about that later."

"John even volunteered to cook," Rodney said quietly, attempting to point at his lover, but his arm got trapped in the blanket.

Chuckling, John helped him get comfortable again. "Yeah. Even if it's nothing fancy, a weekly excuse to cook would be a nice hobby."

"I wouldn't complain," Rodney commented getting a chuckle from Carson as well.

John and Carson chatted for a few minutes before the movie went on, somewhere in the middle. Rodney watched it absently, relaxing on the couch, John's hand threading through his hair, fingers trailing down his shoulder.

His lover's fingers found their way to the back of his neck, massaging lightly. He didn't have much leverage, but he gently worked on the few more prominent knots.

Rodney sighed contentedly, letting his eyes close half-way. A few minutes later—or an hour later—John was gently shaking him.

"Hmm?" He pried open an eye, lazily glancing up at John, realizing the living room was dark, the movie off, and Carson was gone.

John smiled. "Time for bed."

"Already?"

"It's late. The movie ended about a half-hour ago, and I let you doze on the couch while I saw Carson to the door."

"I wasn't sleeping," Rodney protested.

His lover laughed softly. "Come on. We'll both be more comfortable in bed."

Rodney snorted, but shoved himself upright, letting John tug him to his feet. He was warm and comfortable and really pliant. "I was thinking."

"Uh huh." His lover twined their fingers together.

"My ass is feeling very neglected."

"Is it now?" Grinning, John led him into the bedroom. "Your ass was asleep and snoring for the last hour."

"Was not."

Rodney got a kiss on the tip of his nose. "Were to. It was cute. Not very loud, but you make this little snuffling noise..."

Rodney snorted. "Ne-glec-ted."

John wrapped his arms around Rodney, his hands dipping into the boxers to cup the globes of Rodney's ass. "Just what is your ass looking for? Does it need to be kissed and squeezed and marked?"

Nodding, Rodney tugged John closer. "I think that's just for starters."

John nipped at Rodney's neck, a puff of warm air betraying his amusement—and the growing erection pressing against Rodney betraying his interest. "Really? What else did it have in mind?"

"Maybe some rimming. Fucking, of course. It's greedy and feeling very neglected."

John turned his head to look at Rodney, grinning, his eyes crinkled with it. "Well we can't have that, now can we? It's a very nice ass."

"I'm glad you agree. I think it's a good ass. Fits really well in your hands," Rodney said, humming as John squeezed a little. "And considering the fact that it's been horribly neglected for the past forty-eight hours, I think you might need to do something to rectify the situation."

One hand moved to tease at the crack while the other started kneading. "Hmm, when you put it that way, it sounds like I've been falling down on the job. I might just have to secure said ass in a proper position for some serious apologies."

"Yes," Rodney said nodding, his body beginning to respond to John's touches. "It's very neglected."

"You said that. I think maybe you should free it from all the fabric and climb up on the bed so I can fix the situation."

"Your hands are in the optimal location to do that."

John's hands squeezed again, caressing each cheek. "Ahh, but then I would have to let go, and risk your ass feeling abandoned too."

"So you want me to maneuver my body into some strange and contorted position to remove my own boxers?"

He got a hot puff of air against his neck, then John pulled his hands free and stepped back. "Go arrange yourself while I get what I'll need."

"Hmm…" Rodney said, looking appreciatively over his lover's body. "I could do that."

Long and lean and hairy. John was... breathtaking. And the glint of amusement in his eyes, coupled with the bulge in his boxers, just made him more attractive. "I think I want your ass to be surprised. More fun if you don't know what's coming."

"Oh? And how to you intend to make it a surprise?" Rodney asked, standing in the middle of the bedroom, his hands on his hips.

"By waiting until you're on your stomach on the bed, tied down and blindfolded, to get any toys out." John smirked at him.

"Hmm. Maybe," Rodney said, taking a few steps closer to John once again.

John side-stepped, moving around behind Rodney and wrapping his arms around him, so they were chest to back. He nibbled on Rodney's ear a little. "I want to ravish you properly."

"Do you think you're up for it? My neglected ass wants to know."

"I'll let you be the judge of that afterward. If your ass is still neglected, I'll let you demand reparations."

"Will you now?"

"Mmm hmm." John pressed kisses all down Rodney's neck.

Rodney leaned back against John, pressing into his growing erection and pulling a moan from his lover. "Problem?"

"You're too damn tempting, especially if I want to spend serious time reducing you to incoherency before I fuck you." John pushed his nose into Rodney's hair. "Go get on the bed. I want to make you fly."

"Mmm. Make me." It seemed his power nap during the movie had given him a second wind and he hadn't played with John like this in a while.

John's hands moved down, only instead of pulling the boxers down, he pulled them up, bunching the fabric around Rodney's groin and constricting his cock a little.

Rodney growled, tensing a little before forcing his body to relax. "A wedgie. How mature."

"It is paying attention to your ass though. Focus on how the fabric rubs in different ways, hinting at what I'll be doing later with my tongue."

"I guess," Rodney said, forcing a casual shrug. "It's not very convinced you mean business, though."

"That's because I'm just getting started. Have to work up to it."

"I’m not sure about that."

John started to stroke Rodney's erection using the fabric. "No?"

"Oh….no. Not at all. I mean, take for instance that I'm still on my feet instead of on the bed."

"Mmmm, true. But it's not like I'm just standing around doing nothing." He moved the fabric over the head of Rodney's dick until it was damp.

"No…no…" Rodney moaned a little. "You are doing something, certainly, but my ass is certainly jealous of the attention spent on other body parts."

"Ahh, but all body parts are connected. If I get you sensitized here, your ass will feel so much better in a few minutes when I move on to it."

"Maybe. Unless it gets bored."

While one hand continued to tease Rodney's dick, the other moved back to trace the material between his cheeks, teasing at where his entrance was covered by it.

Rodney rocked back, humming as John touched him.

Gradually, he was walked toward the bed. John didn't give him any warning before the stroking stopped and he was pushed into the soft give of the mattress, his lover right behind him. John had pushed him onto his stomach and was on top of Rodney, pinning him, as he strained to reach the straps they left attached to the headboard.

Rodney, of course, wasn't going to make it easy. This was far too much fun. He tried to shift, to get his knees under him in an attempt to shove John in the direction opposite from where he was stretching.

John set his knees on either side of Rodney, giving him a bit more stability. He managed to snag one strap and hook it to a cuff before Rodney managed to twist the right way to overbalance him and send him tumbling into the bed.

"John, those are the good ones," Rodney complained.

"Then I guess you'll just have to be careful, won't you?" John smirked at him. "Once I get you how I want you, I'll swap them out, one at a time. I'm not giving up what little advantage I've managed to get here, though."

"That is just so unfair," Rodney grumbled, shifting up the bed a little so he wouldn't ruin the jewelry cuff.

John just chuckled again, taking his time to hook the second strap to his other wrist. "Mmmm, there we go. Now I can go get the leather cuffs and really arrange you how I want."

"These aren't appropriate bondage items," Rodney complained. "These don't count."

"Ahh, but they keep you where I want you, do they not?" He heard John rooting around, and a moment later he was beside Rodney, trading out the first cuff for the one they used for heavy play.

"Because I don't want to do something to damage them," Rodney said, watching as the thick leather cuff wrapped around his wrist before it was buckled down, a padlock added to keep it locked. A second padlock secured the tether to the cuff's d-ring. John took his time unlocking the jewelry cuff, placing it carefully on the bedside table.

"You won't. They're not for real heavy play, no. But they can take a little tussling like this." John smiled at him as he moved around the bed to do the other wrist.

"I still think you didn't play fair," Rodney whined, turning his head to watch John, the feeling of anticipation growing in his stomach as his other wrist was soon captured within the leather, the padlocks in place. The tethers weren't pulled tight—yet. He was sure John would do that eventually.

"That depends on what you consider the goal to be: strapping you down or setting us up for some serious ass kissing... literally."

"Dunno. Depends on what you have in mind, I guess, to take care of my poor neglected ass."

He could hear John rummaging again, and then Rodney's boxers were shoved off and he was pushed up onto his knees, legs spread wide. John attached cuffs to each ankle, and then did some fancy cross-strapping so Rodney could barely twitch, much less break the position. "Mmm, I have some ideas."

Rodney turned his head so he could watch John as he dug through the drawer, his face thoughtful. "Just some?"

His lover gave a triumphant hum as he found what he was looking for. Holding it up, Rodney saw it was the blindfold that blocked out all light, along with the earplugs.

"John?" They hadn't played hard like this in a very long time and Rodney felt a stirring of arousal and anticipation in his stomach.

"Yes?" John moved back to the bed. He smiled softly.

"Are you…are we…?" Rodney wasn't sure what to ask, but he needed to know John was okay with this. Oddly enough, ever since the space pirates mission Rodney had been worrying—mostly silently—about his lover. There had been a desperateness there and something else. It was hard to explain or put a finger on.

John laid on the bed so he could brush his lips against Rodney's. "Yeah. If you're up for it. I want to play with you."

"God, yes, please," Rodney breathed out in a rush.

He got another quick lick against his lips, and then John sat up. The earplugs were very gently set in place, and then the blindfold followed.

Rodney's breath caught in the back of his throat as he was plunged into darkness and silence. Tugging at the bonds holding him in place, he knew he moaned, could feel the vibration in his chest, hear it internally. John's fingers trailed over his shoulder and down his back before leaving him entirely, the bed shifting as he moved away.

He was left like that just long enough for the anticipation to build. Finally, the bed dipped, and a finger was traced down his crack, touching his entrance briefly before disappearing again.

He tried to shift again, to move, but John had tightened everything down. Until his lover saw fit to untie him, to move him, he was locked in place. All he could do was let go and take it.

Rodney groaned at the thought, feeling his thoughts begin to slow. He wanted this so badly, needed this.

Something warm and wet licked it's way up the center of his ass, then moved off to the side, nipping and kissing and sucking at random.

John's hands caressed and stroked his legs, his ass, bringing Rodney down at the same time as he began to wind him up. He knew every place, every touch that would do it.

After every square inch of Rodney's ass had been worshipped, his entrance, without warning, was suddenly penetrated by a warm, wet tongue.

Rodney moaned loudly, his body shuddering with need.

A hand suddenly squeezed his dick, right at the base—a warning not to come, despite only wearing the jeweled ring, meant more for decoration than for real play.

He whimpered, even as his orgasm backed off. He knew he begged, knew he said something, but for the life if him he didn't know what.

After a moment, John backed off, and the barely-there pressure of the cock ring disappeared, to be replaced with the instant tightening and low buzz of their Ancient model.

Rodney moaned, rocking slightly between the restraints.

Something pressed against his entrance again, and then slid all the way inside. It wasn't thicker than a finger—one of the slimline vibrators. It started to buzz.

Rodney's breath caught in his throat, his body shuddering as sensations overwhelmed him for a moment, before his body relaxed into it. At the rate John was switching out things, Rodney wouldn't be surprised to have a new, heavier collar and nipple rings before too long—complete with the various chains and such. John didn't tend to bring them out very often, but tonight could be one of those nights.

He got another bite to his ass cheek as the vibrator was slowly—very slowly—pulled almost all the way out, then pushed back in. With the way he was tied, Rodney had no way to push back to speed things up. He just had to take it.

And god, it felt good. So good. The bite even more so. Rodney could picture the skin blossoming under John's treatment, turning red first, before offering up a small mark that would fade in a few days.

He got a few more of the marks as John worked him open, avoiding Rodney's prostate for the most part. At one point, the vibe was left in, and Rodney didn't realize John had moved, so caught up in the sensations, until his collar was pulled off and the heavy, tight leather replaced it. A moment later, almost as if his lover had read his mind, the nipple rings were replaced as well, the heavy chain that ran between them and up to the collar and down to the cock ring pulling as it dangled down.

Rodney moaned in contentment and pleasure as each and every piece, every mark, decorated his body. He was John's to play with, to use, to pleasure. Being owned like this felt so good.

While the vibrator buzzed happily in his ass, John expanded his kisses and marks to the rest of Rodney's back and shoulders. Since he was usually tied down on his back—John's preferred way for the most part—the area seemed more sensitized.

He knew he howled and moaned as John played with him, marked him. He was flying.

Eventually, the slim vibe moved again, pulling completely free. Before Rodney had a chance to sob at its loss, another, slightly thicker one was pushed in its place and the whole thing began all over again as Rodney was worked and stretched and marked and loved.

Time had no meaning. An hour could have been a minute, or a minute an hour. Rodney didn't care. He was free and that's all that mattered.

The pattern kept up, as John fucked him with increasing larger dildos. He knew they had some that were even larger than his lover, although they had never used them. This time however—he felt the push against his entrance, bigger than anything he had taken before. It paused—John was giving him a chance to object, and he knew this would be his only chance.

"Do it, please…please John," he begged, wanting to feel it, wanting the burn and the stretch.

And then it was sliding in, slowly. Inch by inch. John pulled it back out and then pushed back in, letting Rodney adjust and stretch until it was fully inside him, filling him, leaving no room for anything else.

It was huge but…oh god…it was so perfect, so right. The only thing better would be John himself—his cock, his hand…oh god, that would be so hot, so very hot… He must have moaned because John began stroking his back

As he stroked, Rodney suddenly felt something else teasing at his entrance—John's finger. It wasn't pressed in far, but the tip was slipped in alongside, pressing Rodney even further open.

John shifted on the bed and Rodney could feel his lover pressed against him, lips close to his ear, asking him if he could take it, if he could take more. His other hand maneuvered down to his chest, stroking before he started tugging on the chains, pulling a deep moan from Rodney's mouth.

John didn't move, just let Rodney feel. A second fingertip was pressed next to the first, and again, held still.

God. John was splitting him open and he only wanted more.

His lover continued to stroke his back, soothing him, nibbling on his ear. He could feel when his body relaxed completely because both of John's fingers slid a little further in.

So good. John shifted again, his free hand continuing to stroke his chest and tug at the chains, the pain and pleasure mixing together until it was one.

Leaving the dildo in place, John was finger-fucking Rodney slowly. Every once in a while, his other hand would stray from the chains to give a firm tug to Rodney's steadily-leaking erection, before returning to his chest to play.

Rodney was flying. They had never played this hard, played like this before. He'd never dreamed he could feel like this, that John could take him so far, so high. God.

Slowly, John's fingers withdrew, leaving just the dildo in place. He also stopped playing with the chains, his hand coming to rest against the small of Rodney's back. And then he did nothing.

Time passed. And then more. Rodney wasn't sure exactly when he started begging, pleading for John to do something, to move, that god he was so full, but he wanted more.

The hand that had been stroking his chest brushed against Rodney's lips, then pressed inside.

Effectively muffled, Rodney sucked on John's fingers, all of the ones he'd pushed into his mouth. And there were at least three, if not four, filling him, just like John had filled his ass. And Rodney's mind immediately jumped, wishing it was John's cock pressed in deep instead, or the cock gag Rodney knew John had bought—the one he wasn't supposed to see from the last Daedalus run.

He felt warm breath on his ear, and then heard John, speaking just loud enough to be heard through the plugs, praising him, telling him how beautiful he was.

Rodney simply moaned, the only thing he could do.

John pulled his fingers free and the bed shifted as he moved away.

Shifting on the bed as much as the restraints would allow, Rodney moaned as the vibrations from the cock ring increased, his body rocking slightly. So good. So good.

After a moment, John's weight settled back on the bed, and his voice was soft against Rodney's ear, once more just loud enough for him to hear. "I have another surprise for you. Open your mouth."

Rodney did so without hesitation, feeling John shift on the bed beside him. A moment later he felt the weight of the cock gag on his tongue, filling his mouth. He moaned. Oh god, yes.

It was buckled into place, giving him no way to escape. "If it needs to come out, hum row, row, row your boat."

The gag was big, larger than the ball gags they usually used. It pressed in deep, was heavy on his tongue. But right now it couldn't be more perfect. He moaned again, the sound mostly trapped, his body trembling with need and anticipation. He was flying and John was letting him, guiding him.

The dildo, which John had just left pressed inside him, was suddenly pulled out a few inches, then pushed back in. It filled him completely, gave him no where to hide.

At the next thrust of the dildo, Rodney felt little pieces of himself breaking, flying away in the pleasure. The gag filling his mouth, the dildo filling his ass, the heavy weight of the chains tugging his nipples, the vibration from the cock ring surrounding him and traveling up the chains, making him tremble. It was perfect and complete and he was lost somewhere in the middle.

John's free hand was resting in the small of his back, giving him a single anchor point, freeing him to let go, knowing his lover would be there to bring him back when it was time.

The sensations, the smell of musk and sex, and John's hand were his world, his complete world. He shifted back a little as John fucked him with the dildo, meeting John's thrust with a small one of his own, sending the vibrator in even deeper.

Rodney was only vaguely aware that he was moaning almost continuously now. But John took him by surprise when, on the next stroke, the dildo was pulled completely free of his body, leaving him empty.

He whined loudly, wanting the full feeling back, but John's hand was there on the small of his back, rubbing in a circle to calm him. And Rodney let him.

He felt his lover shift, and then John was inside him. Because his lover was actually smaller than the last dildo, it was…different. Like something completely new.

Rodney moaned. The familiarity of John's cock inside him was comforting in a way.

Unlike with the dildos, where John used short, slow thrusts, after a few adjustments, he was fucking Rodney hard, tagging his prostate every time, sending sparks of pleasure all through his body.

And Rodney was flying. He felt his lover tremble once and then there was a warmth filling him, John's thrusts breaking off as he collapsed on Rodney's back.

Perfect. So perfect, was Rodney's only thought as his lover breathed heavily against him. It took a few moments before he moved again, before John's cock was replaced by something cold and heavy—a large metal plug.

The straps holding him in place were manipulated, and Rodney was lowered, so he was flat on his stomach, in a position not unlike how he slept when he was alone. And then he was tied back down.

God. He was hot and bothered and hard as a rock, but none of that really mattered. John's hands on him were gentle and loving, petting and caressing.

One of the earplugs was pulled out, leaving sounds still somewhat muffled, but he could hear John's soft voice. His sexy top bedroom voice. "You're beautiful. I want to keep you like this all night."

Rodney simply nodded, the only part of his body he could move.

"Hard and leaking for me. Filled. Your ass is marked all over." John gave that ass a few light swats, giving Rodney one more sensation to flood his senses.

Rodney moaned again, arching up a little into John's hand. His brain had turned itself off long ago. Now he was only a mass of nerves and sensations, his body demanding more, wanting more, to feel everything.

He heard a deep chuckle. John began to spread the swats out, making sure no part of Rodney's ass was untouched. "It's all pink now, with my marks dotting your cheeks. And the plug glittering in the middle. I love you like this."

And Rodney loved this, loved being like this. John squeezed one of his cheeks and pulled a deep moan from his body. He shifted a little, all he could manage, to press into John's hand. Pain and pleasure were all one and the same, the sensations driving him higher into arousal and deeper into submission at the same time.

His lover settled down, stroking Rodney's ass over and over, occasionally pressing against a mark, sending little flares through him. The vibrations on the cock ring changed at random, keeping it from fading into the background.

Rodney panted and moaned around the gag, still heavy in his mouth. How did John know this was exactly what he needed?

"I don't think I'm going to let you come tonight. I want you to wake up aching for it, knowing you belong to me."

And Rodney did. He was John's, completely and fully. He shifted again, the barest amount, tugging at the restraints holding him to the bed. There was still a little play in them from side to side.

John's hand drifted back up, along his spine, across his shoulders. The buzz of the ring slowly started to subside until it was barely there. Almost comforting. "Just relax. I'll take the gag off in a minute so you can sleep."

He nodded, letting his body melt a little further into the mattress.

"Good boy." John's voice was soothing. The gag was unlocked from around Rodney's head, but John didn't pull it free. "I know you like to be filled—you can keep it in your mouth for the sensation if you want, but I don't want us to fall asleep with you unable to spit it out."

Rodney hummed, already feeling his body starting to drift off.

"Love you." John's warmth was suddenly pressed all along Rodney's side, his hand still resting in the small of his back.

Rodney wiggled his ass, humming as John's hand slid lower, cupping his cheek.

There was a faint squeeze, just enough to send little thrills through his body, but not enough to ramp him all the way back up again. And then John's hand stilled, resting against the hot skin.

Humming in contentment, Rodney let his body slide into slumber. When he woke up again—minutes or hours later, he didn't know—the room was quiet, John warm beside him. He shifted toward his lover and his warmth, his body shivering slightly where it wasn't covered by John.

His lover muttered something unintelligible, fast asleep.

The last thing he wanted to do was wake John, but he was so cold. How his scrawny lover was still warm was beyond what Rodney could think of right now. He slowly worked the gag from his mouth, his jaw sore and stiff. "John?" he said, the word barely a whisper.

"Mmmmmph?" John muttered again, and what felt like a nose nuzzled against Rodney's shoulder.

"Cold," he whispered, his body choosing that moment to shiver, goose bumps rising on his skin.

Lips pressed against the spot John had been sleeping against. "'Kay. Lemme grab a blanket."

His lover shifted away, cool air sliding across the sleep-warmed skin.

He heard John moving around the room, and a moment later, a heavy warmth settled over him, followed swiftly by John reclaiming his spot against Rodney's side. "Better?"

"Will be," Rodney whispered, still shivering. "Sorry."

John's hand rubbed up and down his back. "Don't be. How are you feeling otherwise?"

"Good…really good."

John hummed, his hand slipped lower, back to the curve of Rodney's ass.

Rodney moaned a little as John touched him, arching his back to get more pressure.

The cock ring, which had shut off as they had fallen asleep, now flared to life again, starting at its lowest setting.

"Mmm…so good," Rodney moaned, the vibration and John's touches easing him back down again. He'd come up when he'd woken up cold, but John would take care of him.

John began to massage his ass cheek lightly. "Just relax again, and go back to sleep. Dream about me, and what it feels like when I touch you. Dream about all the ways I make you feel good, and when you wake up, I'll give you another practical demonstration."

"Please," Rodney whispered, body aching and hurting in all the right places.

"Sleep now and we'll play more later." Lips brushed against Rodney's temple.

"Love you so much."

He got a happy hum for that, and then lips brushing against his own—the angle had to be awkward, so the kiss was baby soft, but so sweet it made Rodney's chest ache. "Love you, too."

"Hold me?"

John wrapped himself around Rodney, his limbs heavy in all the right ways. His breath was warm against Rodney's neck. "Better?"

"Mmmm," Rodney said, nodding, letting his mind drift away now that his lover was anchoring him.

"Good. Sleep. I'll be in your dreams, and waiting for you here when you wake up again."

Rodney snuffed into the bed, purring a little as he drifted off to sleep with John holding him close.

The next time he woke, he could feel vibrations running through his body, his lover's hands caressing and touching him everywhere. He moaned, breathing out John's name.

"Good morning."

Rodney didn't think it was possible to go from dead asleep to on-the-edge arousal in less than five seconds, but with John anything was possible. He moaned again, panting into the bed, his chin encountering the gag John had used last night.

"I know I want you to come this morning. The only real question is: do I want you to come while I fuck you again? Do I want to turn you over and come in your mouth first, then blow you until you're begging to be allowed to come? Decisions, decisions."

Rodney shuddered at John's words, wanting everything. "Fuck…fuck my mouth. Please. Want to taste you. Then…gag me and play…please. Gag will taste like you then. You can fuck me again."

His ass cheeks were squeezed, making him moan. "Willing to wait for me to recover to come, hmm?"

"Yes, anything…want you, please."

"I'm going to loosen the straps, but not unhook them. Turn over, with your arms and ankles crossed, so you're on your back."

Rodney nodded, feeling John moving around on the bed. He remained still even though he felt the tension easing off. He wanted this so badly.

John patted his deliciously sore ass. "Turn over."

It took a few tries, and John helping him to get himself onto his back. His ass was sore and he moaned as soon as it touched the bed, but it felt good. John was moving again, adjusting the straps, tightening them down.

Because his arms and legs were crossed, held tightly together, Rodney was almost completely immobilized. This wasn't a position they had used before either—but John wasn't planning to fuck him like this—couldn't fuck him like this. He just wanted to play with Rodney's body.

But the tightness, the immobility was perfect.

"Hmmm." That was the only warning he got before John's mouth descended on Rodney's nipples.

Rodney yelped before easing down into moans. The heavy chains last night—over the course of the night when he'd been on his knees—had made them even more sensitive than usual. He arched his back a little, the chains tightening between his collar and cock ring, just adding more sensation.

John started to hum as he sucked and flicked and teased first one nub, then the other.

So good. So good. Oh so very good.

Leaving his nipples, Rodney realized John was mouthing the chain down, toward his straining erection.

Rodney moaned, anticipating the feeling of hot and wet and oh so good on his cock.

But instead of wrapping his mouth around the leaking flesh, John lapped at the tip, blowing air all down Rodney's length.

"Oh god!" Rodney said, shuddering.

John chuckled, then did it again, licking his way almost delicately up and down Rodney's length, then blowing.

A strangled moan was all Rodney could offer, tugging at the restraints and his crossed limbs, but he had nowhere to go. He angled his head back, his entire body trembling with pleasure.

Because he was still wearing the blindfold, he felt John shift again, but didn't know what his lover was doing until the head of his lover's leaking erection—just taking care of Rodney was arousing John—brushed against his lips, demanding entrance.

Rodney moaned and opened his mouth immediately. Yes. So good. He licked the tip before John plunged in, filling his mouth. This was so much better than the gag.

His lover didn't give him much time to adjust. He didn't move fast, but he did go deep, forcing Rodney to relax his throat and take it, allow himself to be used.

John was panting over him as he slowly fucked his mouth. Thrusting in and out, John went deeper with every stroke, holding himself in place inside, so deep he cut off Rodney's air, making him work for each and every breath.

And it was perfect.

John's breathing was getting more ragged on every stroke. Rodney was rewarded with soft moans every time he managed to get in a lick or a suck. Finally, his lover keened softly. "Going to come, oh God, Rodney..."

And then John was pressing in deep, pulsing down Rodney's throat, filling his mouth with the bitter taste he was craving.

It was accompanied by the sexy noises his lover made when he came. Rodney could picture it, John's head thrown back, wanton, a light sheen on his chest from the exertion.

Rodney moaned and hummed in contentment, pleased he had done that. He was still holding John's softening cock in his mouth, sucking lightly.

Above him, John twitched and whimpered a few times. "Love you."

Rodney only moaned again, his erection hard and needy, beginning to hurt now.

Slowly, John pulled himself free. He scooted down Rodney's body, and then they were kissing. Deep, dirty, wet, and perfect.

Rodney arched up into John's body, moaning into the kiss as what little was left of his mind slowly leaked out of his ear.

John didn't break it off all at once. Rather, he slowly progressed to lighter kisses, then he was nibbling softly at Rodney's bottom lip.

He was panting, his body desperate and needy. This was probably the longest he'd gone in a scene without coming and he knew he still had to wait.

Something else brushed against his lips. The gag.

Opening his mouth eagerly, he heard John chuckle—low and dirty.

It was slipped in, filling his mouth, the lingering taste of John just making it better. Once it was buckled into place, John started licking and kissing and marking his way down Rodney's body again, choosing his path seemingly at random.

And Rodney gave himself up to the sensations, feeling full and safe and cared for. John would give him his pleasure, would let him fly.

John proceeded to push him further than Rodney thought he had ever gone before. He took him to the edge and then kept him there, panting and moaning, body screaming for a release he knew he wasn't getting any time soon.

And through it all, John was praising him, making Rodney want to hang on longer, wanting to please his lover, his top.

The straps were loosened, and Rodney found he had a little wiggle room. "Turn over. Head and shoulders on the bed, on your knees with your ass in the air."

Rodney tried, he really did, but his body wasn't listening. Whining in frustration, John's hands were gentle when they touched him.

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm here. When you're ready to try again, I'll help you." His lover was soothing, brushing across his temple, running through Rodney's hair.

Nodding, Rodney shifted his weight to the side and John was there, helping him, easing him into the position he wanted. Rodney moaned, his muscles a little sore but it felt so good. John's hands arranged him before tightening down the straps once again.

"Beautiful." Hands ran down Rodney's back and sides, over his ass.

Rodney moaned, pushing back a little into John's hands.

"I wish I could keep you like this all the time. Forget everything except us, together, making each other feel good."

He moaned again. If he could feel like this all the time…

"I'm not going to let you answer now, but later, when you've had a chance to come and you can think a little again... we're not in the middle of an emergency right now, so we can play a little. If it won't interfere with your work, I want to keep you a little in headspace for the next few days. Up enough to be able to work, but relaxed and coming when I call for you."

Oh god. That would be so hot…so… He moaned again, the sound edged with need and want.

John's hand teased between his ass cheeks. "You'd be wearing the ring, and I would leave it off for the most part. But when I wanted you, it would start to buzz, and you'd come find me and I'd make you feel so good. Sometimes I'd let you come. Sometimes I wouldn't."

Rodney pressed back into John's hands, wanting more.

"Under your clothes, I'd keep the rings in, and the chain that runs between them and the cock ring. Every time you moved, you'd feel it, feel me. You'd be plugged, so no matter what you did, you would remember that your body belongs to me. Mine to love, to pleasure, to protect."

He was whimpering and moaning, wanting John to move, but he wasn't, just sitting there, holding his ass.

John started to move just his thumb, in and out, just above the plug still inside Rodney's body. The light sensation was driving him wild, combined with John's steady, quiet descriptions of all the places and ways he would make Rodney feel good.

His moans and whimpers were continuous now. John's taste was on his tongue, filling his senses just as the gag filled his mouth, heavy on his tongue. He smelled sex and John and couldn't get enough of it.

The plug was tugged out, leaving him empty for a moment. And then the large dildo from the night before was pressed against him. John went slowly, giving him time to adjust. He was still open, but the vibrator was large, filling him and stretching him.

He was sore, but it felt so good. He pushed back a little, the dildo sliding in a little deeper a little faster than John was pushing it and he got a whack on his ass for it.

"Just feel. That's all I want you to do."

Rodney groaned loudly.

The cock ring buzzed, hard, for a few seconds. "Just feel."

He whimpered, his body shuddering hard as he panted around the gag. He tugged at the restraints, but there was no give, no real room to move. John shifted on the bed behind him, pushing the dildo in deeper once again, stretching him wide open, his aching ass welcoming the intrusion, wanting it, greedily accepting it.

"I'm going to fuck you with this, listen to all the sexy noises you make. When I'm hard and aching for you again, then I'll pull it out and it will be me inside you. Then, and only then, will you be allowed to come." The ring once more kicked up to its highest setting, tightening down a little at the same time to ensure Rodney couldn't come even if he wanted to. John was in charge. His body belonged to John.

Rodney whimpered at the strangle-hold the ring had on his cock, the vibrations spreading up his body to his nipples and to the collar around his neck. His entire body was on fire, trembling and shaking with need.

But John didn't give him time to adjust. His lover started to fuck him with the vibrator—now on—slowly at first as he stretched around it, then speeding up. Because the thing was big enough, there was no avoiding Rodney's prostate on every single stroke.

Every time it pressed deep, Rodney swore he could feel it in the back of his throat. He was moaning for it, desperately wanting it. He was John's whore and he loved it.

"You make the sexiest noises. All moans and whimpers and desperation. It makes me want to keep doing wicked things to you, just so I can hear more."

Rodney managed to nod his head, hearing the love and approval and arousal in his lover's voice. He'd done that, he'd put it there.

On the next stroke, instead of pulling the vibrator out, John twisted it, turning it inside Rodney for a whole new set of sensations.

Rodney swore he saw stars from the steady pressure on his prostate. It felt so good. He felt so good. His breath hitched a little when John eased off, pausing for a few beats.

And then he did it again. And again. Each time giving Rodney no more than a heartbeat, a quick breath, between them.

There was no way someone could feel like this—so good—for so long and not just explode or something.

"God... Rodney... You're so..." John sounded almost as devastated as Rodney felt. Just from doing this, from Rodney giving him everything.

He was John's. Everything was his and there wasn't a more complete or perfect moment in his life than right now.

The dildo slipped out again, and was once more replaced with slick, hot flesh. "Oh god... You can... can come when the ring comes off..."

There was nothing better than having John inside of him, filling him, pressing in deep.

The cock ring pulsed along with John's thrusts, which were getting harder, more erratic every time.

Rodney relaxed his muscles as much as he could, letting John slide in even deeper, letting John take him, claim him once again.

"Oh…fuck... Rodney..." As the heat of John coming filled Rodney's ass, the cock ring fell away, coming off at his lover's mental command.

And as soon as it loosened, he was coming—harder and more spectacularly than ever before. His climax roared through his body, wave after wave of pleasure blanketing him until it all coalesced in a bright white and he tumbled down into darkness, knowing John would catch him.

He woke some time later, rolled on his side, John spooned up behind him. His arms were no longer held over his head, but instead curled against his chest, the cuffs still in place. He could feel the ankle cuffs were still there as well, warm against the skin.

Rodney moaned quietly, vaguely realizing the gag was gone. He was fucked senseless and he couldn't imagine feeling any better than he did right now.

"Welcome back." John's voice was soft, and his arms tightened around Rodney, holding him close.

He hummed, shifting a little against John.

John's lips brushed into Rodney's hair as he was allowed to just drift, enjoying how good he felt.

Sighing contentedly, Rodney smiled to himself, sliding his hands down to hold onto John's. He didn't want to come up, wanted to stay like this for as long as humanly possible.

John worked one leg between Rodney's, pulling their bodies even closer together. Then he let Rodney drift, safe and warm and loved.

Rodney knew he drifted—half sleeping, half awake—until John's hands were stroking his body once again, his words whispering in his ear.

"I hate to do this to you, but you have to be in the labs in about an hour, and I have to meet with Kate. We need to shower, and regardless of whether your schedule is free enough for me to play with you today, I need you to come up far enough to be able to function." John brushed the words into Rodney's hair, interspersed with light kisses.

Rodney moaned softly, feeling his body coming to life again. He just wanted to stay like this. There were no worries, no doubts.

"I know." John's hands were gentle, rubbing circles on the back of Rodney's palm where they were joined together. "Love you."

"Want you," Rodney whispered, shifting back against John.

His lover huffed into Rodney's neck. "I couldn't get it up again this morning if you paid me. But yeah, I know."

"Was…amazing," he continued, the ability to form full sentences longer than two words still outside the realm of his current level of abilities.

"Mmmm. Yeah. You were amazing. God, you're so beautiful when you let go like that."

"Never…never that intense…before."

"Well, I had to make sure your poor ass didn't feel in any way neglected anymore."

"Mmm…feels really good." He wiggled the part in question, pressing back against John and managing to pull a moan from his own throat. He was really sore but it felt so good.

John gave another warm puff of amusement. "Good. Want you thinking about it, about me, all day."

"Will be."

John untangled their hands and slid one back, caressing Rodney's ass. "It's pretty. All pink, with my marks contrasting against the skin."

Rodney rolled on his stomach, letting John explore, his quiet moans accompanying each pass of his hand.

John shifted pressing kisses. From the faint tingle as each spot was pressed, Rodney knew he was finding and loving every bruise.

When his tongue touched the outside of his entrance, Rodney jerked a little, the area a whole lot more sensitive and sore than he'd thought.

"Hurts?" John breathed against him, resting one cheek against Rodney, his stubble rough against the sensitive skin.

"Yeah," Rodney breathed.

"Bad?"

Rodney shrugged. He didn't think anything was ripped or torn. John had just opened him wider than he'd ever been before.

"I have some cream in the bathroom. After we shower, I'll put it on for you."

"'kay." Rodney just wanted to stay in bed, like this—bound and pliant and submissive—for John.

John ran his hands up Rodney's back, massaging a little.

Rodney purred. This was still amazing and so intimate.

"Could spend all day doing this, just touching you."

"Please?"

"I wish I could. If I don't show up, though, Kate will push back my treatment. I really want to be back on full, active duty again. But we can play all day. So you only have to come up far enough to be able to function, and you can work in your office where it's quieter unless I call for you."

Rodney nodded. He wasn't happy, but if John wanted it…

John's hands continued to rub and caress all the way up and down Rodney's back. "If you don't have anything pressing, we can take a half-day off. My appointment is this morning, and I can do my paperwork right after. Then we can come back here, have some lunch, and I can touch you to my heart's content for the rest of the day. Would that work with your schedule?"

"I…" Rodney tried to remember his schedule, but his mind wasn't connecting. "I don't know. Calendar?"

"We can check after we shower." John shifted again, and suddenly the blindfold was pulled away. "We're both sticky and sweaty, so it will feel good anyway."

Rodney opened his eyes slowly, blinking against the light—dim light—in the room. After having the blindfold on for so long everything seemed much brighter than normal. John was smiling down at him, his eyes soft.

"Hi."

Offering a warm, shy smile, Rodney whispered, "Hi."

Using the back of his hand, John brushed against Rodney's cheek. His expression was full of emotions the other man would find hard to put into words.

Rodney closed his eyes, leaning into John's touch.

"Come shower with me."

Nodding, Rodney shifted, pushing himself upright. When he put any real pressure on his ass, it hurt—more than he realized. He must have hissed or groaned or something, because John was next to him a heartbeat later.

"How bad is it?"

"Um…hurts more than I expected, but in a good way if that makes any sense." Rodney glanced up sheepishly at John.

"So sore, and a little painful, but it reminds you of what we did last night?"

Rodney smiled, feeling his cheeks warm. "Yeah."

A slow smile curled John's lips. "We'll take it easy today then, and I'll put the cream on after we're clean. I won't fuck you again today because I won't hurt you, but we can find other ways to play that will be just as satisfying."

"But I—"

John's finger touched his lips, stilling them.

"Your body is mine, remember? I don't want to damage it, only make it feel very good."

Rodney nodded and John drew his finger away, moving in to lightly kiss him.

"Come on. I bet the warm water and soap will feel good, too."

"You feel good," he whispered, letting John lead him into the master bath.

John threw another of those soft smiles back at him. "So do you."

Rodney didn't reply. He didn't need to. John's hands were gentle as he settled Rodney's hip against the sink cabinet, unlocking each of the padlocks and setting them aside before his hands carefully unwrapped the thick leather, laying feather-light kisses on the warmed skin. John bent on one knee to do the same to Rodney's ankles before finally returning to the last piece on his neck. With a quiet click, the collar was unlocked and released, John's hand and lips ghosting over the skin. The air was cool, making Rodney shiver.

Off to the side, the shower kicked on, immediately starting to fill the room with steam. "I'll put your jeweled versions back on before we head out for the day."

"Even the nipple rings?"

"Yes."

Rodney paused, wetting his lips. "Can you…can you leave these in?" The heavier ones stood out more than the jewelry ones, but today Rodney didn't care.

One of John's eyebrows went up, and he reached out, fondling one nipple. "You don't care if someone notices?"

"And the ankle cuffs."

"The leather ones?"

Rodney nodded. "Can you put them back on…after?"

"Want to feel owned today?" John's smile was gentle. "If I could put the leash on you and keep you close all day I would."

"Keep me like last night," Rodney whispered, feeling his arousal growing again.

"Mmm hmm. Plugged and very obviously mine." John's hand drifted from Rodney's chest down to his spent cock, which got its own caress.

Rodney moaned—wanton and open. "Please…as much…as much as you can put on me, please."

John hummed. "I can do that. But first—shower. I can't accessorize you until I clean you up and take care of your sore ass."

"Yes, John," he whispered, offering a smile and his upturned wrists to his lover.

John kissed the inside of each one before taking Rodney's hands in his, tugging him into the shower stall. He pressed Rodney back up against the wall, hands above his head. "Front first. Don't move."

Rodney drifted, eyes half open as John carefully cleaned him, the washcloth and the stroking awakening his body again, Today, it seemed, everything turned him on.

His lover pressed a kiss to the tip of his dick before encouraging him to turn around and rest his head against his forearms, legs spread a little so John could very carefully clean him.

And John was careful, very careful of his ass even as he checked for damage. It hurt, but Rodney held himself still. Moving would make it worse.

"You're pretty red, but it doesn't look like I tore anything. I was careful, but you were stretched more than we've ever done before. Sitting is going to be difficult for a few days probably. But that's okay. I prefer you stretched out for my pleasure anyway." John kissed each now-clean cheek.

"Hmm…love your pleasure."

"It's very...pleasurable." Rodney could feel the grin John was pressing into his skin.

"Good," Rodney hummed, relaxing against the wall, his body moving toward the pliant stage again.

John's hands ran up his sides, touch just for the sake of touching. "Want to get you to purr for me again."

"Won't…won't take much," Rodney said, his words already sliding in that direction even as his mind shifted down again.

"I see that. Mmmm, it's really hot, that you can sink so far, so fast now. I love that I'm the one who gets to do it to you."

"Only you." Rodney's eyes slid closed as John's hands caressed his sides, his hips. And then Rodney relaxed again, purring quietly when John pressed a kiss to the base of his spine.

"There it is." John's voice was soft, more to himself than anything else.

As his lover's hands climbed higher, Rodney purred at his touch, the sound loudening when John plastered himself along his back.

John nibbled at Rodney's neck, making a soft purr of his own. "Need to get myself cleaned up too."

"Want help?" Rodney asked a few moments later.

"Always, if you're offering." John turned him around, pressing a quick, soft kiss to Rodney's lips. "Love your hands all over my body."

Rodney smiled softly, taking the washcloth from his lover's hands. And with a careful precision, began washing John, pressing kisses to the clean skin as he went. He was thorough and by the time he was done, lost in headspace.

John's eyes were closed, a content smile on his face as he leaned against the wall, obviously enjoying Rodney's attentions.

As he finished cleaning the space between John's toes, Rodney hummed quietly, leaning his head against his lover's thigh and closing his eyes.

A hand wound its way into Rodney's hair, the water shutting off at the same time. Neither of them seemed inclined to move immediately beyond John's soft petting.

And that was perfectly fine with him. He wished these kinds of moments could last longer.

Finally John exhaled softly. "We need to get you off the floor before your knees give out, and get us both dressed before Kate comes to storm the castle looking for me."

"Hmm."

Pushing off from the wall, John reached down to help Rodney up. "Come on. I get to decorate you now."

Rodney opened his eyes and let John tug him to his feet and out of the shower enclosure. He was dried off very carefully before being led back to the bed, John lowering him to the surface, easing him down onto his back.

His lover produced a tube of cream he had grabbed on the way into the bedroom. Pushing Rodney's knees up to expose his ass, John started to carefully work the cool gel into the abused flesh.

It hurt at first, but John's fingers were gentle and after a moment, Rodney let his body relax, allowing John to work.

It didn't take away all the pain, but there must have been some numbing properties in it because by the time John had finished, it was more of a dull throb than actual pain.

John lowered his legs back down to the bed and Rodney rolled his head to the side, looking at John, offering a smile.

"Better?" John returned the smile.

"Hmm," he nodded.

"Good." Going over to their stash of toys, John started to lay out what he was going to put on Rodney for the day. The leather ankle cuffs and jeweled wrist cuffs, the matching jeweled collar, the Ancient cock ring, and a chain that would run between Rodney's nipple rings, still in, to the cock ring. "Any other requests? I won't use a plug because I want to give you some time to heal."

Rodney shrugged. "Anything you want, John."

His dom put everything on Rodney's body carefully, then stood back to admire. "Mmm, very pretty."

"Have everything?" Rodney was hovering, trying not to slide back down into headspace, but it was hard. Muscle memory or something. Or maybe just avoidance. But right now, it was preferred.

"Maybe. I'm thinking."

"Hmm…I like when you think."

John grinned a little. "Smart is sexy."

Rodney simply watched John, enjoying this quiet time.

"There's so much more I want to do to you, but the risk of discovery is a little too high if I do." John moved closer, sitting next to Rodney on the bed, one hand carding through his chest hair.

"Such as?"

"Running a chain from the collar to the nipple rings, so you really can't move without feeling it. The leash, on you all day, so you're never more than a foot away from me. Maybe a gag, all day, except when I wanted those perfect lips wrapped around my dick."

Rodney shifted on the bed, humming appreciatively. "Really?"

"Mmm hmmm. I'd keep you close and keep in headspace all day. Under my desk while I worked, sucking on me. You wouldn't be allowed to make me come, just keep me hard and pleasantly aching all day."

"Can't you work here?"

"You like that idea, don't you? Being leashed and on your knees for me. Allowed to just hold me in your mouth, suck a little, being absently petted and touched while I work."

Rodney nodded, feeling his cheeks flush. He could picture himself on his knees, naked and bound at John's feet, the chains restricting his movements, the leash holding him in place as he sucked on John, pleasuring him, loving him. He shifted again on the bed, feeling his body responding to his thoughts.

John trailed a finger over Rodney's cheeks, smiling. "Mmm, I like that thought, too. Tell you what—I have to meet with Kate soon. While I do that, I want you to go to the labs and make sure your day is clear, that taking some time off won't put you too far behind. If it is, meet me back here in two hours. I'll bring my paperwork to do in the office, and we'll do it exactly like I described. You can spend the rest of the day in headspace from that point on."

"Ah…" Rodney said, his mind shattering a little at the thought. Calendar. He needed to look at his calendar.

Kissing Rodney lightly, John sat up. "I'll get us dressed."

"Laptop," Rodney said, rolling to the side so he wouldn't put a lot of pressure on his ass when he sat up a little. "Where's my laptop?"

John just chuckled. "I'll grab it for you."

It only took a minute for John to retrieve it for him, but it was nearly a lifetime. Sitting up on his knees so he wouldn't have to let his ass touch the bed, he made 'gimmie-gimmie' hands at John, who only laughed. It took him a few minutes to bring up his calendar. His fingers and brain were not working well together as his mind continued to spin with John's suggestion.

John got dressed somewhere in there, so when he crawled up behind Rodney and wrapped his arms around him, there was the delicious slide of fabric against skin. "What's it look like? Do I get to keep you as my pleasure slave while I work today?"

"I…" Rodney shrugged. He'd seen a mission in two days, meetings tomorrow, a briefing tomorrow morning. He was still working on today.

John's hands settled against Rodney's stomach, playing with the chain.

Today looked open, if his brain was tracking things right.

"What's the verdict?" John whispered it in Rodney's ear, blowing softly between words.

"Ah…" Rodney said, shivering a little. "I think we're good."

"What absolutely needs to be done today?"

"I…um…" Work. What was he working on?

John licked, his tongue delving into Rodney's ear a few times.

Rodney moaned, leaning back against John as his eyes slid closed.

His lover chuckled, a deep, sexy sound. "Let's get you dressed and ready to go. I have to meet Kate soon—remember, two hours, back here."

"I…yes, please, John."

Slender, capable fingers wrapped around Rodney's jaw, turning his face for another kiss. "Before you come back here, stop by the mess and stock up on enough food to feed us both for the rest of the day. Our pantry stash is getting a little bare."

"Mmm…yes. Food. I need to eat breakfast."

"Yes. Unfortunately, we don't have time for me to feed you much. I laid out some clothes for you. Get dressed while I see what we have."

Rodney nodded, letting John slip from the bed. It took him a few moments to tug himself up once again, for him to move off the bed and pull on his clothes. Sitting down to put on his boots was…difficult—as was any strange bending. If he took it easy, he'd be fine.

Bringing his laptop with him, he moved out to meet John in the kitchen, his lover's eyes tracking over his body. The nipple rings were visible if you looked and so was the chain. But if he kept his jacket zipped, he should be fine.

The cock ring gave a few short bursts then was still again. "Do you have any idea how hot it is knowing what you have on under there?"

Rodney moaned a little, stopping mid-step. He took a breath before he moved closer. "I think it's okay, don't think you can tell."

"Not unless you're looking, and know what you're looking for." John's eyes had gone dark with arousal. "I can't wait to get you back here and watch you strip it off. Watching as each layer disappears, and more of that sexy body is revealed, with my claim all over it."

"And then you can add more."

Humming, John held up a bit of MRE he had been heating. "This is the best I could do. I'll try to remember to requisition a restock for us."

"Okay," Rodney said, stepping up to wrap his arms around his lover. "This has been…amazing. Thank you."

"I should be thanking you for giving this to me. You're perfect."

"I've never done anything so intense, so…amazing than what you did last night. I never knew I could…that I could feel like that."

John cupped his face, the touch gentle. "I'll make you feel that way again. I promise."

"I…I'd really like that…anytime you want to."

John kissed him softly, then fed him the rest of the breakfast.

By the time breakfast was finished, Rodney was more or less out of his headspace, feeling his thoughts slowly chugging back into place.

John brushed his cheek with the back of his hand. "I'll see you in a few hours. Try to stay relaxed and loose for me. When we get back, I'll help you fall all the way down again."

"If something sidetracks me I'll let you know. I really don't know what to expect in the labs since I haven't been there since…since I don't want to think about it."

"Okay. If you need to stay there, just radio me and I'll work in my office."

Rodney nodded. "I would rather stay here."

"Me, too. But I don't want you to suffer later for us playing today."

"I know," Rodney sighed. "And I do appreciate it. I just…I really want to do this." And there was no need to talk about the fact that it was a good way to escape for a while.

John kissed him again. "Me, too."

Glancing at the time, Rodney sighed again. "I'll try for two hours, but four might be more realistic. Noon."

"Just call me and let me know." John rubbed his stubbled cheek against Rodney's.

"I will," he whispered, closing his eyes and letting himself feel.

"Love you."

"Love you so much."

John sighed. "I really have to go. Kate will be looking for me."

"'kay."

They managed to get out of the apartment a few minutes later, John heading to Kate's while Rodney went to the labs—with a quick stop at the mess for coffee. John hadn't said no.

A few scientists were working in the main lab as he walked through, looking over their shoulders to see what they were working on. Simpson was fine—everything looked on target. A few of the others got quiet adjustments before he moved to his own lab.

It didn't take long for Radek to poke his head in, confusion on his face.

"You are feeling unwell?"

Rodney glanced up from what he was typing. "What?"

"Usually after mission you come in and scream and yell. You are the tyrant of the labs. But today you are quiet. Everything is okay?"

Rodney waved him off, turning back to his laptop. "Nothing's wrong. Shouldn't you be working on the jumpers?"

Radek gave him a long stare. He could feel it. "Fine. But if you need to talk, you will know where to find me."

"There is nothing to talk about unless you're referencing your work on the jumpers. And I'm taking this afternoon off."

"You are..." Radek blinked a few times. "Enjoy your time off then. Tell the Colonel I say hello, and I will see you tomorrow."

"What?" Rodney said, narrowing his eyes. "No. He's not taking off. He has work to do. I'm taking off. And why do you automatically assume that because I want an afternoon not spent riled up because someone else decided to try his hand at destroying the lab after a mission that ended horribly again that he's taking time, too?"

Radek waved his hand. "Fine, fine. I have jumpers to work on. I will see you tomorrow, and will only call you if city is sinking. Enjoy happy relaxation time."

Rolling his eyes, Rodney watched Radek stroll out and realized he needed to let Elizabeth know as well. Might as well get it over with. He tapped his radio. "McKay to Weir."

After a few beats, his radio flared to live. "This is Elizabeth. Is there a problem Rodney?"

He sighed. "Why is it that everyone assumes there's a problem when I call?"

"Because you're usually too busy to call if it isn't." He could hear the amusement in her voice. "So if it's not a problem, what can I do for you?"

"I've decided that since I'm not in the middle of anything horribly time sensitive and the Wraith have decided to leave us alone and I just had a horrible mission yesterday and I'm sure yet another one two days from now, I'm taking the afternoon off. I'm civilian. I have every right to not work 24/7."

There was a startled pause. "I happen to agree with you. I've been wishing there was a way to convince you to take a little more time off for yourself for a while now, but I know it's hard for you to find the time. If today is good, then go and enjoy yourself."

"Good," he said, nodding to himself. "I'll be off-radio at noon until tomorrow morning."

"Wonderful. Have a great day then, and I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Thank you. And I don't want to be contacted for anything less than the city sinking or about to be destroyed."

"I'll make sure of it. Don't worry Rodney. Of all of us, you deserve a little time to yourself. Take it, and enjoy yourself."

"Well, yes, of course, I do. I work hard."

Elizabeth laughed softly. "Yes, you do. And unfortunately, I don't have the day off, so I need to get back to work. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Uh…thank you. McKay out."

He tapped his radio off and got back to work. He didn't want to sit because he knew his ass was sore, but every time he shifted on his feet the chain would move with him, reminding him of what was to come later that day.

He managed to wrap up everything by 1130—including his mission report for the mud puddle planet and his pre-briefing report for the next mission. He headed to the mess and grabbed an array of food for the rest of the day. He didn't know what John wanted, but he wanted to make sure they didn't have to come back here tonight.

Once he was back in the apartment, he put the food away before moving into the bedroom and stripping down to his skin. Some of the tension immediately fell from his body along with the uniform. Lately, it had been heavy, very heavy. The responsibility, the screwed up missions, everything. Today would be nice, really nice.

His radio ended up on the hall table—on the charger. He left it on, just in case.

John had left everything out from last night, so Rodney quickly got to work, washing everything and putting it away before he turned to the rest of the apartment, straightening up. He didn't like that John made it his job to do this, but there was also something about it that helped to turn his brain off a little. It was mindless, the cleaning and straightening.

Once he was certain everything was put away, he tugged out everything John had mentioned in the morning, along with additional padlocks to secure his arms and legs together once he was in place. With a nod to himself, he put the earplugs in place before settling down on his knees in front of their bed. He'd let John put on the cuffs and such. He didn't want to presume too much. The blindfold went on next and then he put his hands behind him, holding them in the small of his back as he waited for John.

It was a little while, but not too long, before a hand ghosted into his hair, touching the earplug. John pulled one out, but his voice was soft. "Hi, there."

"Hey," Rodney breathed, offering a smile.

John tugged one of Rodney's hands up, placing it against his groin. "Seeing you like this, can you feel what you do to me? How wild you drive me?"

"Mmm," Rodney hummed, rubbing his hand against the erection that was pushing at the fabric of John's BDUs.

His lover moaned a little, fingers clenching in Rodney's hair. "Not too much. I want that pleasant ache of need for you all day. You're going to hold me in your mouth—you're allowed to suck a little, lick a little, but just enough to keep me hard, not enough to push me over the edge."

"Feels good."

"Mmm, yes... very good." John's voice had gone a little breathless as Rodney massaged. He finally pulled the hand away. "But first, let's get your cuffs changed out. I saw you grabbed the food—thanks. And you cleaned, too." His lover caressed the side of Rodney's face.

Rodney leaned into John's touch. "My job."

He got another caress. "It is, but I still want to tell you I appreciate it, notice it. Now, why don't we get you ready? I do have some paperwork and my laptop that I dumped in the office on my way in. Are you hungry at all?"

Rodney nodded. "Little. Wanted to wait for you."

"Okay. I'll feed you before I get involved in working again then." John's thumb brushed over Rodney's lips.

Opening his mouth, Rodney let his thumb slide in, sucking on the tip as he felt a piece of him slide away. Yes. This would be perfect.

John let him suck for a minute before gently drawing away. He quickly put on everything Rodney had laid out, the leash snapping on last. "I'll put the other earplug back in once we get settled. But it will be easier to get you moved if you can hear me, and this way I don't have to take off the blindfold."

Rodney nodded. "Yes, John." His lover helped him to his feet but then tugged him forward using the leash. Every step jostled the chains John had put on, the one connecting the collar to the nipple rings. And it seemed like there was one more as well, that went from the collar to the cock ring—an extra line of chain, an extra bond.

He wasn't brought far, to the office he guessed. John pushed him to his knees, onto a pillow his lover must have brought. Rodney's hands were secured behind his back, his ankles locked together, and from the sound of John's movements, as well as the restriction of his movements, Rodney was now secured to the desk. A moment later, Rodney was guided to slide under—he wouldn't be able to sit all the way up—and then between John's legs.

Rodney moaned a little, thinking of what they were doing, about the day in headspace. He could imagine someone walking in to talk to John with him under the desk and it pushed a thrill through his body.

He was guided so his head was resting on John's thigh. A piece of fruit was pressed against his lips.

Opening his mouth immediately, Rodney let John slide it in, chewing slowly as he breathed through his nose. This was nice, really nice. He rubbed his cheek against John's fabric-covered thigh before shifting a little closer, trying to get his nose into his groin. John shifted his feet, however, pushing Rodney's legs a little further apart. The tip of his boot moved against Rodney's cock, pressing slightly. He moaned and stopped moving.

"You'll get what you want, but not until I'm ready. First you're going to eat."

"Yes, sir," he whispered, letting John give him another bite.

John fed him several more bites, mostly fruits and a little of the cheese Rodney had brought back with him. Then his lover shifted them a little, getting himself comfortable and pushing Rodney further under the desk. He spread his legs wide and when Rodney was allowed to nose forward this time, he encountered flesh.

The smell was incredible. It was John, all John and it enveloped him. He pressed in, smelling and nuzzling John's cock and groin, humming in pleasure.

His lover ran a hand through his hair, the cock ring picking up a steady buzz. "The earplug is going back in after a few minutes, once I get us both settled. I'll be working—remember, you can taste, but if you push too far, you'll feel my boot against your own groin."

"Yes, sir," he whispered, breath ghosting across John's cock. He moaned, pressing in closer, the bonds only giving him so much range. John must have tightened the leash down.

"Hmm. As much as I love your noises, if I do need to take an appointment, it will give the game away." Rodney heard him open a drawer, and a moment later something was snapped into place around his neck, above the collar he already wore. "This is the anti-sound collar. If someone comes in, I'll turn it on. So you don't have to worry about it. Just let go and enjoy yourself."

Rodney moaned again, his mind immediately flashing to a 'what if' situation. Rodney would be moaning and sucking John as he talked to someone on the other side of the desk. Oh wow…so hot.

John chuckled. "I thought you might enjoy that. So don't worry. All you have to do today is stay there and relax and feel good. I'll take care of everything else." Rodney got another caress, and then the earplug was pressed back into place.

John's hands on his face were gentle as he put the earplug back in, reducing Rodney's world to John and only John. He began teasing John's erection, licking along the side, pressing kisses to skin. This was all his.

His lover shifted a little, and from the angle of his body, Rodney could tell he had probably gone back to work. Every now and then he reached down, petting, touching, keeping them connected.

Rodney had never had the opportunity to really worship John like this, to please him, pleasure him. There was something so simple and calming and fulfilling about doing this. After making sure his cock was covered with kisses and breaths of air and nuzzles, he finally took John into his mouth. It was pure pleasure. He moaned around his lover, sucking lightly—he remembered John's orders.

From the way John's thighs tensed under his head, and the fingers that curled against Rodney's shoulder, he knew the other man liked what he was doing. As long as he didn't take it too far, John would let him do this as much as he wanted.

Rodney concentrated on the taste of his lover, the feel of him in his mouth, heavy on his tongue. He let himself drift—sometimes simply holding John in his mouth, other times sucking him. This was perfect.

At one point, he could feel the vibrations of John talking and realized his lover was either on the radio or talking to someone in the office. Oh god. How hot would that be to be sucking John off while he had a meeting? He moaned in pleasure, his lover's fingers digging into his shoulder a little.

John's thumb rubbed a little, massaging, then was gone again as he continued to work, just letting Rodney have this.

And Rodney lost himself in John, in the pleasure that he had.

***


	2. Chapter 2

As John signed off on his radio, he swallowed hard, glancing down at the very content head buried in his lap. Rodney chose that moment to give a light suck and lick, and John suppressed the shudder.

God, this was fucking amazing. That Rodney would not only give him this, but that his lover enjoyed it as much as he did…

Closing his eyes for a moment, John forced himself to get control. Lorne was on his way over to go over some scheduling issues, and while he would keep Rodney silent for the duration, and the desk hid his lover's presence, John had to make sure his own facial expressions wouldn't give the game away.

This was probably the hottest, and one of the downright naughtiest, things he had ever done.

John could feel the vibrations as Rodney moaned around him—odd without the sound. God, this was so hot.

He gave in to the urge to touch, running his hands along Rodney's shoulders and back. When the door chimed, he took a deep breath and schooled his features before triggering the door.

"Sir?" Lorne said as the doors in the living room parted.

"Hi, Lorne, have a seat." John waved to his guest chair. "I wasn't in the mood to be cooped up in my office today, so I decided to work from home."

The Major wandered into the office, his gaze floating around the apartment. "Looks nice. I haven't been in here in a long time."

John smiled. "Thanks. It's nice to have a place to come home to that actually feels like a home instead of a room on base."

"Sounds good, sir," he said taking a seat. "Where's McKay? Heard he took off. Figured he'd be floating around."

John shrugged, fighting the urge to look down. "He decided he needed some quiet time, and with me working, he wouldn't really get it. He's probably holed up somewhere tinkering with a pet project."

Lorne snorted. "Yeah. I know the routine. You might want to bring him his radio, though. Seems he left it by the door."

John thought fast. "Nah, he did that on purpose. He knows the science staff will be tempted to call on him for any little thing, so he's off the radio for the day. If there's a real emergency, we'll page him over the city-wide speakers."

"Ah," Lorne said, turning his attention to the tablet PC in his hands. "So scheduling."

John swallowed hard as his lover sucked a little, sending little sparks of pleasure down his spine. To cover, he fiddled with his computer. "Right. I have it up here. What changes did you need to make?"

"Since you're still off of the mission roster, I thought it would be good to give McKay a few science missions so he didn't have to wait much longer. He's getting…anxious about missions after the last two."

"Anxious?" John had noticed Rodney was a little tense, but so far his lover had been avoiding the subject, and John wasn't ready to push it—yet.

Lorne shrugged. "It's hard to explain and you know him better than I do, sir. Maybe that's just how he is on missions."

"No, I've noticed he seems a bit off lately, too. It could just be because I'm off the roster and he's not used to you, but it could be more than that. Keep an eye on him in the field, and I agree with your idea—we'll get some pure science missions on your schedule. I have his priority list here, so we can take the top two or three and switch them out. Which team were you thinking of mo…oving the first-contacts to?" John was proud that all that came out was a slight hitch to his words as Rodney started humming to himself.

"Sir?"

"Yes?" John didn't really think playing stupid would work with his observant second-in-command, but it was worth a shot.

"You okay?"

The urge to moan was strong as Rodney's tongue came into play, but John bit it back. "Yes, fine. Just a little tired today. That's the other benefit of working here instead of my office."

Lorne nodded after a moment, his eyes glancing back down to his tablet. "As for the missions, we wouldn't take any off the list, just add the science ones on. Means we'd be out every third day for the next few weeks."

John chewed on the end of a pencil he picked up. "I'm not sure I want you guys out that much. McKay is showing some signs of wear and tear, and he does need some time in the labs. Not to mention, Ronon and Teyla are both training Marines."

"It's a do-able schedule. We can't take the first contact stuff off and this would give McKay something to do besides shut up and smile."

"We aren't hurting for trade partners at the moment. You can ease off on some of those first-contacts and substitute in a few science missions. I'm not suggesting getting rid of all of them, just trading out, say every second or third mission for a science run."

Lorne sighed. "Actually, sir, Doctor Weir wants the first contacts to remain on the schedule. She's the one who suggested adding a few science missions."

John tapped his radio on. "Sheppard to Weir."

"Elizabeth here. You taking the day off as well?"

John had to work at not blushing, given that he was being sucked on and nuzzled at the moment. "No, unfortunately. I actually have Lorne here, and we're going over scheduling. He mentioned he had talked to you about adding more science missions for SGA-1, and I agree, but I think we need to trade out a few of the first-contacts. Otherwise, they're going out every few days, and there's almost no time in between to catch up or handle duties here on base."

"Doctor Zelenka already said he wouldn't have an issue taking up the slack in the science department and I'm sure you're more than able to do that on the military end, John," Elizabeth said, her voice angling toward the 'don't argue with me on this' tone.

John sighed. "There are some projects that only McKay can handle, you know that. And Ronon and Teyla are training the Marines. An elevated off-world schedule will make that rough. Not to mention, I'm cleared for light duty, yes, but as I recall it was very specific that I was just handling paperwork, and Lorne's supposed to be running things. If he's gone more than he's here, it will be hard. I'm not suggesting eliminating the first-contacts, just switching a few out, rather than adding the science missions on top of their roster."

"We're talking twice a week, John, not every day. I'll speak with Rodney tomorrow, but I'm sure he'll jump at the chance to go and do something worthwhile from a scientific standpoint. And besides, I'm getting tired of his last few mission reports."

John raised an eyebrow, and once more had to resist the urge to put his hand protectively on his lover's shoulder. "His mission reports? I haven't seen them, what's wrong with them?"

"You should read the last two. Won't take you longer than about two minutes—for both of them."

Blinking, John glanced at Lorne, who was listening in as well. "Rodney's reports are usually pages long full of more information than we could ever actually need."

"The last two missions haven't exactly been conducive to long mission reports, sir," Lorne said with a sigh. "They haven't gone well and there was nothing for McKay to report on besides two cultures barely with enough brain cells to allow them to rub two sticks together." And John could hear Rodney's voice in Lorne's words, knowing he was quoting the report.

"Still. Even when the missions are boring, he usually writes pages about how the whole thing was a waste of his time, and having to write a report about it is even more of a waste of his time, so if he's going to waste the time doing it, he's going to make damn sure someone else has to waste time reading it." John was quoting an actual report Rodney had given him.

Lorne shrugged, but Weir replied. "A science mission—several science missions—might be good, John. But we need Teyla on the first contacts and those can't be delayed too much longer."

"Why not? With regular supply runs, trade isn't as critical, and we get as many enemies as allies from those missions. Scaling back temporarily won't hurt anything."

"We can't depend on the regular supply runs and you know it. The Ori are unpredictable and we might not have the luxury of getting fresh supplies every two months."

"I agree completely. But working the teams until they're ready to drop when we don't have to isn't the solution either. You know Rodney—when has he ever admitted he needed a day off before? And no offense Lorne, but you're looking a bit tired around the eyes as well. Elizabeth, I'm not suggesting eliminating the missions, just not increasing the load."

"Then we leave it as is."

"Why not swap out one or two of the scheduled missions for science runs? We can pull the diplomatic missions where Teyla doesn't know anyone on the planet, and save those for when I'm back on duty again."

"The only missions your team is currently scheduled for are ones where Teyla knows the planet and the populace. John, we've been through this when we made the initial schedule. It's either leave it as is, or add in the science missions." Elizabeth didn't quite sigh, but it was close.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, John wanted to argue. In his lap, Rodney started licking. He be damned if he was going to let anyone run his lover into the ground. "I'm not asking for a lot, Elizabeth. Just one for now. Bump the schedule back a week, and make the next one a science run."

"We can't do that, John. Some of the meetings are needed to facilitate other team's missions."

"So let another team take one. SGA-1 isn't the only first-contact team."

"With Lorne leading your team, it is."

John growled softly. "Fine. Put me back on duty then, and we'll have two teams again. Elizabeth, I'm not trying to be difficult, but increasing the work load is a bad idea when people are already stretched thin as it is. And Rodney needs a break, needs a mission where he can feel useful."

"Your status hasn't changed from the report I read from Kate this morning, so that's not happening. Pick one, Colonel, and let Lorne know. You know what your options are. I need to step into another meeting. Major, let me know what's decided before the end of the day. Weir out."

"God fucking damn it." John swore softly.

"Sorry, sir," Lorne said quietly, a minute later. Rodney must have noticed something was wrong since he was beginning to suck a little harder now.

John took a few deep breaths—Lorne would pass it off as him getting control of his temper. John had to press a toe into Rodney's groin so he would back off a little. "It's not your fault. The problem is that I don't disagree with her, or you. I just don't think it's a good idea to increase the workload. Pushing people to their limits when we don't have to means there are no reserves in a real emergency."

"I know, sir, but we're just trying to give Doctor McKay something to make it a little less monotonous."

John ran a hand through his hair, using the movement as a cover for the twitch he couldn't stop as Rodney did something wicked with his tongue. "I know. All right, for now add one extra science mission, and see how the workload is. If you're all okay with it, you can add more, but if not, you can go back to just the first contacts."

Lorne nodded, jotting down notes. "I'll pick one from the priority list or else have McKay suggest one."

"Ask Rodney, but wait until tomorrow. I'll mention it to him when I see him, too. You're more likely to get him excited if he gets to pick the place."

He nodded again. "Okay, that should work for now. Oh, the botanists wanted a military escort for a mission."

"To where? And why?" John knew Lorne and Parrish were an item now, and being apart on missions was probably killing his XO as much as not being out with Rodney was killing John.

Lorne rolled his eyes, as if he could hear some of John's thoughts. "It's Katie Brown's pet project. They want to do an on-site study of some plants, but the reports we've gotten from the planet are mixed. They'd rather have a team with them to watch their backs as they do their science thing."

John contributed his own eye-roll. He wasn't very fond of Katie Brown. It wasn't really her fault Cadman had pushed the date thing—and kissed her using Rodney's body—but he still didn't like her. "I haven't read the reports, what's your assessment?"

"It's a toss up," Lorne said with a shrug. "We've been there a handful of times. Sometimes there's evidence of natives, other times nothing. A guard would make sense."

"Is it worth the shuffling of mission schedules it would take?"

"We can send one of the newer teams. A babysitting mission should be good practice for them. We have a few, but not all of them have made it through the obstacle course yet. And we need to schedule another run for the course, too."

John tapped his fingers against the desk, shifting in his seat a little as Rodney played. God, so good.... He mentally shook himself. "I don't want anyone out who hasn't passed the course. Choose one of the teams who are newly ready, and send them along—and since they aren't on any mission rosters yet, that saves us the hassle of reworking things. As for the obstacle course itself, how many teams still need it?"

"Since the new additions a few weeks ago? Four."

"All right, we'll schedule it for next week. Mandatory for everyone who needs it to go off-world, optional for anyone who just wants to run it as a refresher."

Lorne nodded, making more notes. "I think that's it for now, sir."

John nodded, with a small thrill of relief. It was getting hard not to just spread his legs wide and beg for release, but giving the game away wasn't on the agenda. "Good. I'll be working my way through the reports for the rest of the day, so just let me know if you think of anything else."

"Will do, sir. Have a good night and tell Doctor McKay I said hi when he surfaces." Lorne rose to his feet, offering John a wave as he headed to the door.

John gave the other man a casual salute. "Will do, Major. Enjoy the rest of your day."

A few moments later and John heard the door to the apartment slide closed. He counted to ten before turning off Rodney's collar, the room filling with the moans and hums and purrs of his lover lost in submission.

John gave in to his body and spread his legs wider, letting Rodney snuggle in. He buried a hand in his lover's hair, moaning a little himself.

Rodney moaned louder, getting more enthusiastic with the sucking and licking.

God, John couldn't believe all this had been going on with Lorne not a foot away. It was so fucking hot, John couldn't stop the tiny thrust up.

Rodney sucked harder, letting John slide in deeper. He moaned and John felt the vibrations up and down his shaft.

"Oh god... Oh fuck... Rodney..." John closed his eyes. He didn't want to come yet, but he couldn't bring himself to stop the wonderful sensations.

His lover moaned again before angling his head to let John slide in, his cock hitting the back of his throat. And then he swallowed.

John gave a strangled scream and came, thrusting up, the last hour of being teased and then having a meeting, fulfilling quite a few of his fantasies...

Rodney swallowed every drop, easing John through his climax. When John could breathe again, Rodney was quietly purring, simply holding John's spent cock in his mouth, not sucking, not licking.

God... this was so... He couldn't believe Rodney was doing this for him. It was perfect, and after the frustrations of his therapy sessions... This was exactly what he had needed.

The purring didn't stop, either. Rodney was leaning against John's thigh, breathing deeply, completely content.

John was incredibly relaxed. So he wasn't happy when his radio chirped a few minutes later. With a sigh, he activated it. "Sheppard here."

"John is Rodney okay? I canna raise him on the radio and Radek told me he took the afternoon off. " Carson's voice was worried, thick with concern. "Maybe I should have brought him into the infirmary last night for his check, but he looked so tired and miserable with all the mud and I was trying to make it easier for him. I don'na think I missed—"

"Carson." John interrupted the doctor. "Rodney's fine. He just took the day off, and left his radio behind so he wouldn't be disturbed. On the off chance there's an emergency, we can page him on city-wide."

"Oh." John's words brought the Scot up short. "Good."

John resisted the purr welling up in his own throat as Rodney made a happy noise around his softening dick. "As a matter of fact, he's very, very fine right now."

"What was that? I think there was some interference."

Reminding himself that this was, technically, a channel anyone could be listening in on, John swallowed his noises. "Just letting you know that Rodney's better than fine."

"Oh." Carson was quiet for a minute before the lightbulb went on. " _Oh!_ "

"Mmm hmm."

"John!"

"Yeah?"

"You just…you are…you…Rodney…"

John gave a husky chuckle. "You're babbling, Carson."

"I'll…" He stopped again. John could imagine the Scot's red face.

John chuckled again, careful to keep it light and teasing, rather than letting how turned on he was, still, go through an open connection. Carson sputtered a few more times then signed off.

John ran a hand through Rodney's hair and down over his shoulders and back. Rodney purred quietly, his mouth still surrounding John. It was like he didn't want to let go. Vaguely John wondered if he had to worry about the skin turning prune-like.

He could worry about that later. Right now, he really didn't want to pull his dick out of its warm happy place. With a few, content breaths, he straightened back up and forced himself to look at the computer. Somehow, actually working while he had Rodney like this was just all the more sexy.

After a while, John sat back and looked down at Rodney again, admiring the view. Looking him over, John had a brief thought and rose to his feet, heading back into the bedroom. He grabbed a few of the tethers that just clipped into the D-rings on the restraints, returning to the office a moment later.

It took a little work, but John knew his lover would appreciate it. He clipped the smallest set to the wrist and ankle cuffs, securing Rodney's limbs together, restricting his movement a little further. Then he added one strap around Rodney's waist—under the chains and against his skin—and clipped to his wrists, taking up the slack so his hands would stay exactly in position.

The last two straps, John clipped to the collar's D-ring before wrapping each around a separate thigh, before securing the clip around the strap itself, tightening it down. It wouldn't allow Rodney to straighten up at all.

John hummed to himself, then sat back down. He pulled himself back out and, when he was scooted back into place, guided Rodney to his dick, running a hand through his lover's hair.

Rodney shifted, tugging at the new restraints, moaning when he realized how much his movements were limited. If John moved back an inch, he wouldn't be able to reach his cock.

Petting the other man, John helped him find a comfortable position, both of them relaxing when Rodney flicked out his tongue to taste, laying his head against John's thigh. So perfect.

John shifted forward to give Rodney enough room so he could suck him down if he wanted. Right now it seemed that his lover was content with simply tasting a little and nuzzling.

Feeling more relaxed and content than he thought was possible, John returned his attention to his laptop, and the reports waiting for him. They really didn't seem so bad when he had his Rodney there, the faint smell of sex in the air and multiple orgasms leaving all his muscles loose and pliant.

About halfway through Lorne's second mission report, John felt Rodney shift and then his cock was enveloped in the wet heat of Rodney's mouth. A little light suction…

He moaned, his body tingling with it. His cock wasn't sure it wanted to get hard again though...

But Rodney was determined. Humming and moaning and sucking and using his teeth, his lover coaxed him to full hardness. When he was finally filling Rodney's mouth once again, he moaned, letting the vibrations surround John's erection.

It took a few deep breaths—and Rodney backing off as soon as he was fully hard again—for John to get control. Apparently his lover had just wanted his mouth to be full, and not so incidentally to drive his top out of his mind. It was the best kind of torture.

And then Rodney sucked hard, pulling a loud moan and shudder from John.

"Oh, god you're gonna kill me, but what a way to go..." He shivered, his body trying to protest that it was too old for this sort of thing, but his dick ignoring the complaints and very happily enjoying itself.

Tangling his hand in Rodney's hair, he pet his lover, caressing his face and cheek. Rodney purred for him, settling down to lightly suck his cock.

When it was more nuzzling than sucking, John, leaving his hand in his lover's hair where it was, went back to reading and approving the reports.

The more John stroked his head or played with his hair, the louder and more contented the purrs sounded.

When he finished with Lorne's reports, John went on to Rodney's, curious about what Elizabeth had said earlier. He was... concerned... with how, over the last few weeks, the reports had gotten shorter and shorter.

Even the one with the space pirates was shorter than normal—or what was normal when you looked at Rodney's reports.

Glancing down, John wished he could read Rodney's mind sometimes. Something was obviously up, but short of picking a fight or making it an order, he wasn't sure what to do. He didn't want to make Rodney feel like he was being backed into a corner. But Rodney had promised John all of him—body and mind. He had the right to know.

His lover picked that moment to begin sucking him again, the pressure light but constant.

John hummed, knowing the other man would feel the vibrations as he stroked the baby-fine hair.

Rodney purred loudly, contentedly.

"I love you," John whispered softly. "I don't know what's bothering you, but... whatever it is, I'll be here for you."

Rodney's ministrations and his purrs didn't change, didn't alter. He was in his own world, content to be, to exist like this.

It was close enough to dinner time that John was just about thinking of signing off for the night when his radio beeped. Activating the sound collar, John tapped it on, restraining his sigh. "Sheppard here."

"Sorry to bother you, sir," Lorne said. "I know you're probably about ready to head off for the night, but I need a pilot to head over to the mainland and you're next on the list."

John blinked, staring out the window. "A pilot?"

"Yes. You are on the pilot's roster."

Glancing down, John made a face. "No one else can go? I'll trade out duties with someone for tomorrow."

"You are next up," Lorne said. "There's some science equipment that has to get moved back to Atlantis. They were supposed to do it on the last run, but the jumper was full of food supplies."

Running a hand through his hair, John sighed. "Can it wait until tomorrow then? I can go first thing, but I'd rather not tonight if I can help it. I was just getting ready to meet McKay for dinner."

"McKay wanted the equipment last week."

"All right." John knew there was no way out of it, much as he wished there was. "Give me a half-hour."

"Thanks, sir. Want me to find McKay and let him know?"

"Nah, I'll catch him. I have a good idea of where he holed up for the day."

"Okay, sir. I'll let Control know you'll be heading out in half-an-hour."

"Thanks. Sheppard out."

"Thanks, sir. Lorne out."

John growled once his radio was off. Damn it all to hell. He carefully worked one of the earplugs out. "Hey there, buddy."

Rodney paused mid-suck.

"I just got called to do a run to the mainland, and I can't get out of it unfortunately. So I need to get you settled in the bedroom to wait for me. We'll eat dinner when I get back."

His lover whimpered.

"I know. I don't like it either. But I don't have a choice. I'm still on call."

Rodney whimpered again, sucking on John's cock again.

Moaning, John caressed all the skin he could reach. "I'll be fast. It's just a run to pick up some science equipment. You can wait for me in the bedroom. I can call Carson to come stay in the suite with you if you want, or you can stay here by yourself."

Rodney simply sucked harder.

"Oh, shit!" John arched as his lover worked him over. "Rod…Rodney..."

And then his lover stopped, just holding John in his mouth.

"Oh god, you're killing me here. I don't have a choice. I have to go, but I won't be long. I promise. And then I'll feed you dinner and we'll have mind-blowing sex until we both pass out."

Rodney began sucking him again, hard and determined.

Moaning, John couldn't bring himself to stop it. He was only human after all.

As soon as John was panting hard and moaning, Rodney stopped again, breathing through his nose as he held onto John.

"You are... an evil... bastard..." John tried to get his brain to work, but at that very moment, all his blood was pooled in his dick, shorting out higher cognitive functions.

And Rodney was quiet, simply holding John.

"I don't want to go, but I don't have a choice. I'm on duty." John sighed. "And the sooner I go, the sooner I'll be back."

This time, Rodney didn't suck him, he bit down lightly, adding just the hint of pressure.

"Oh fuck!" John bucked up.

Rodney wasn't going to let him go and in this instance, he nearly had him by the balls, too.

Sucking in a few deep breaths, John considered his options. Rodney wasn't going to damage him permanently—it would be counter-productive—but his lover wasn't above playing dirty to get what he wanted. And in this case... "I don't... think that... getting sucked off... will be considered... a good reason... to not show up for... duty."

His lover just increased the pressure again, pulling another moan from John.

"Ahhh..." John's head was as far back as it could go without falling off. Gulping in another breath, he cued his radio again, hoping he didn't sound as wrecked as he felt. "Sh.. Sheppard to Lorne."

"Lorne, here. Jumper's ready and waiting for you, sir. I let the settlement know."

John was pretty sure he deserved a medal for not moaning as Rodney bit down just a little bit more. "I'm... ah... a little…tied up at the moment."

"Sir…" Lorne sighed. "I don't have anyone else to go."

"Under..stood. I just wanted to, ah, warn you that I'm running a little behind schedule." John arched his body as Rodney continued to play him like a fine instrument. Fuck.

"Control has you scheduled to leave at 1700."

John glanced at his watch—he had ten minutes. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. "Right. Of course they do. Sh...Sheppard out." He hoped Lorne hadn't picked up on the slight hitch as Rodney nibbled.

"I'll change your departure to 1730 and let the settlement know. Lorne out."

John turned off the radio and groaned. "You've bought yourself another few minutes, but I still have to go. I'm the only one available, Rodney. No choice."

Rodney bit down again, the hint of pain making John hiss.

"Bloodying fucking everlasting damn it all to hell!"

And Rodney wasn't letting up, which made John stay completely still.

He couldn't believe he was still hard—he even managed to surprise himself sometimes. "If you have a better idea, I'm willing to hear you out. But I have to be in the jumper bay for departure in forty minutes."

At John's words, Rodney let up the pressure of his teeth, his tongue running over the area he'd bit down on, soothing it.

John's body relaxed a little and he sank into the chair. He ran his hand through Rodney's hair. "I don't want to go, lover. But I am still on duty so I have to. If you want to come, we can figure something out, but I thought you would be happier waiting for me here so you don't have to come up at all."

Rodney sucked lightly on John's cock.

"Oh god you're killing me here." John continued to pet his lover. "How about a compromise? I'll tie you to the bed, get you all positioned for me. Then I'll go to the mainland for the milk run knowing you're here like that, just waiting for me. I'll let Carson know what we're doing, so on the very, very off chance I get tied up, someone can come release you. But otherwise, you'll be exactly where I leave you for when I come back."

Rodney whimpered a little, but thankfully didn't bite down again.

"No?" John looked down at his lover, trying to figure out what he wanted. "Do you want to come with me?"

A light playful suck, complete with tongue, was Rodney's response.

Ahh, now they were getting somewhere. "All right. But that means we have to get you dressed. Since we aren't going far and won't see many people, you can leave on everything you're wearing with the exception of the leash. We'll just give you an extra layer to hide the chains."

Rodney sucked on John's erection again before backing off, letting John slide from his mouth.

John had to gulp in a few more breaths. "Now I just have to manage to function without making it obvious how very aroused I am at the moment."

His lover hummed a little, letting the bonds securing him to the desk hold him up and in place. It would take a few minutes to free him and he'd have to bring a bag with them. They would be completely alone in the jumper and he could probably get a little extra time if he let Lorne know Rodney was going with him and they were bringing dinner.

John went to work. It took him about thirty of his forty minutes to get them both presentable and packed. Rodney was still out of it, deep in headspace and humming to himself the whole time. John did have to remove the blindfold and earplugs, but he was able to hide the cuffs, chains and collars with judicious and creative use of their collective wardrobe. "Ready? We're heading directly there, and I want to move fast enough to get you into the jumper without questions."

His lover offered a nod and smile, his glazed eyes on John.

"I can't use the leash in the halls, but I want you to act as if you have one on. You don't get more than a foot away from me at any time. Understand?"

Rodney tilted his head to the side, his answer slow in coming, whispered. "Yes, John."

"Good boy." John rewarded him with a caress along the side of his face.

His lover smiled, warm and soft.

"Come on. We'll make a little outing out of this." If they could manage it, John had an idea of having Rodney on his knees while John flew, with his head resting on John's thigh so he could be petted and caressed.

Rodney stuck to John's side as they moved through Atlantis corridors. One quick transporter ride and they were in the control room. Only a staircase and they'd be in the bay.

They were almost up and out when John heard someone hail them. Damn.

"John?" It was Elizabeth.

He turned, grateful that Rodney stopped as well, just behind him. "Yeah? I'm headed out to the mainland to pick up some supplies..."

"I heard. Can you also stop in the settlement? There were a few items that didn't make it on the earlier jumper."

John resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Sure. McKay's tagging along, too—said he wants to make sure none of the equipment was damaged."

Her eyes glanced behind him but returned to John a beat later. "Fine. The items were…personal. Halling said he'd have everything for you."

Personal..? John decided he didn't want to know. "Sounds good. Expect me back in about four hours then—we'll grab dinner on the mainland."

"Of course. Thanks again."

John nodded, and started to herd his lover to the bay again. "No problem! It's what I'm here for."

"Have a safe flight."

"I will. This is an easy mission, so no worries." He flashed her a smile.

"I'll see you when you get back."

He nodded and then they were in the jumper. He got clearance from control to take off, and once they were in the air, he was able to relax a little. "Atlantis, Jumper One is clear. We'll see you in a few hours. Try not to blow the place up."

John took a deep breath, letting it out. They had forty-five minutes before they hit the mainland.

He glanced over at Rodney in the co-pilot seat. "How are you doing over there?"

"Hmm…warm." Rodney was gazing out the forward window, eyes slightly unfocused so John wasn't sure how much he was actually seeing.

They had some time. John held out a hand. "Come here. Come kneel next to me."

Rodney took his hand immediately, fingers closing around John's, letting John tug him out of his chair. "Clothes?"

"Leave them on. Unfortunately I don't have time to undress and redress you before we get there." John cupped his lover's face. "Just having you with me will have to be enough this trip."

His lover whimpered, but sank to his knees beside John. He angled his head up, blue eyes wide and pleading as they looked up at him.

"I know." John kept his voice soft. "When we finish with all of this, I'll tie you to the bed and keep you there all night long. But first we have to pick up the science equipment, and run by the settlement to pick something up for Elizabeth. Then we'll have a quick bite of dinner and go home to play a bit more."

"Jumper sex?"

John's impressive erection made its opinion on that known. He was glad the craft pretty much flew itself, since he wasn't paying attention to much except Rodney right now. "Maybe on the way back, depending on how much time we have. I didn't bring anything except what you're wearing already."

"Please." Rodney's eyes were wide, boring into John's, his mouth open slightly.

Shivering a little, John let his thumb slide between Rodney's lips. "Why can't I deny you anything?"

Rodney sucked his thumb inside his mouth, letting his eyes slide close. The pleasure and contentment was clear on his face.

Drawing a deep breath, John returned his gaze out the front window, leaving his hand for Rodney to suck on. He let a quiet, easy silence blanket them.

After a few minutes, Rodney shifted, settling down with his back against the console, his head on John's knee, legs stretched out alongside the chair. One hand latched onto John's ankle, just above his boot, touching skin.

It was more intimate than some of the things they did in the bedroom somehow. This whole day had been. It was more than sex. It was... John didn't have the words to describe it.

When John tugged his thumb out, Rodney didn't complain, simply taking a breath and relaxing against John's leg. His finger would move every now and then, stroking the small patch of skin on John's leg.

"I love you."

Rodney response was whispered, but John heard it loud and clear. "Love you."

"We'll be at the rendezvous point in about fifteen minutes."

His lover just shifted closer, tightening his hand around John's leg.

"We won't be long. The Athosians will load the jumper while we hike in to grab whatever else we need. Then we can take off and I'll feed you dinner when we're back in the air."

Rodney sighed, but nodded.

"This is better than being alone, though. At least we're together."

They were silent for the rest of the trip, John landing the jumper effortlessly. He could already see the Athosian's waiting at the jumper landing area—several hand-spun bags in addition to the science equipment on hand.

Huh. He wondered what they were. Halling was waiting for them, so he helped Rodney back into the co-pilot chair. "Maybe we won't have to go all the way to the village. Stay here."

Rodney nodded, closing his eyes as he leaned back in the chair.

As he stood, John adjusted himself and then triggered the back hatch. He smiled warmly at Halling. "Hi, been a while since I've been able to get out here. How are you doing?"

"All is well," Halling said with an easy smile. "Jinto misses your games, but is learning much from the scientists and others who stay with us."

John chuckled. "When is the next harvest festival? I'll try to get some extra sports equipment on the next re-supply for him and the other kids. Now that he's getting older, has Jinto given any thought to apprenticing with one of the science departments? Or is he going to follow in your footsteps as a leader of your people?"

"He has not decided. Your people intrigue him." Halling shrugged, his eyes watching as several of the men moved the equipment past John and into the jumper. "Is that Doctor McKay with you?"

"Yeah. Rodney took the day off, but he decided to take a ride with me. Get some fresh air, see something other than the inside of Atlantis."

"I see the ride in the jumper has done what you expected, then," Halling said, chuckling lightly. "I remember when I had to pull Jinto in the wagon in order to get him to fall asleep."

John glanced back, at his very relaxed and loose lover. "Yeah. Of everyone I know, he needs time to unwind the most. So what do we have here? Elizabeth mentioned some items besides the science stuff? Need me to come back to the settlement to get it?"

"No," Halling said, gesturing two other men forward. "I took the liberty of bringing them to you. There is some tea she requested along with several other items. Please see that she receives them."

John nodded. "I will. It's all for Elizabeth, right? Or is there stuff in there for Teyla, too. If I had thought about it before I left, I would have brought her with me. I didn't get the call until just before I headed over that they needed me though."

"She will know what to do with it."

"Elizabeth? Or Teyla?"

"Doctor Weir, of course. These are items she requested." Halling looked curiously at John as the other men stepped out of the jumper, having left the equipment in the rear compartment.

"Right." John wondered what Elizabeth was having made on the mainland. He knew his curiosity would most likely go unfulfilled, since he was just slightly too much of a gentleman to peek. "So anything else? Or is this it? Lorne led me to believe I'd be out here all night hauling boxes around."

"The equipment is on board. There is still enough power left remaining in the devices, but by morning it will be exhausted."

"So I need to make sure the science team either pulls the data tonight, or recharges them before we lose it. Got it." John nodded to himself. That explained why this couldn't wait until tomorrow.

Halling ushered two others on board, letting them deposit the bags Elizabeth had requested. "And Major Lorne asked us to provide an evening meal since you were working through your dinner hour. Had I known Doctor McKay was joining you, I would have brought more."

"It wasn't really planned." That wasn't exactly a lie, so John didn't feel bad telling it. "Rodney decided to tag along at the last minute, so don't worry about it. We appreciate any food at all, and it was very kind of you to provide it."

As the two men left the jumper, fading into the darkness of the forest, Halling handed over the small sack of food. "It is my pleasure. Also, Dumon included something for you. I have put it in the bag as well."

He was glad the twilight covered the heat spreading up his face. "Ahhh... I wasn't... expecting anything from Dumon..."

"He claimed to have had it for some time and was only waiting for an opportunity to present it to you." Halling shrugged. "You shall find Dumon's small sack inside."

"Mmmm. Ah, thanks. I appreciate it." John scrubbed a hand through his hair. "Anything else?"

Halling shook his head. "No. Only to have a safe flight back to Atlantis and may the light and favor of the Ancestors shine brightly on you."

After several years with Teyla, the proper response came to his lips automatically, along with a warm smile. He lowered his head to do the forehead-touch thing. "May the Ancestors watch over you and your family, lighting your path to the Heavens."

"Good night, Colonel Sheppard. May you be well until we are allowed to meet again." Halling stepped back, offering a smile and wave.

"Good night." With a stretch, John padded back into the jumper, the back hatch closing behind him. He put the bag in Rodney's lap. "Hey, buddy. Supposedly there is a small bag in there with something for us from Dumon. Wanna see what it is?"

"Hmm?" His lover cracked open an eye—one arousal-filled eye.

"I'm willing to bet there is a bag in there with a new sex toy—one we might be able to try out on the flight back, depending on what it is. Why don't you see what Dumon sent for us?"

It took a moment or two for Rodney to respond, for his fingers to open the top of the bag. He found the smaller sack inside—knotted tightly. Unfortunately, the knot was a little beyond his lover right now. At least that's what John thought after Rodney fought with the cord securing the top for nearly three minutes without success.

"Rodney?" John put the Jumper in autopilot, in orbit above the planet.

"I can't…" he said, obviously frustrated.

"Shh. It's okay." John moved to kneel next to him, gently pushing his lover's fingers away. He made quick work of the tight knots, then left the bag for his lover to open—he hoped it was something good. He wanted to see the delighted, happy surprise face Rodney wore sometimes, just for John.

Rodney reached in, fingers tugging out warm, butter-brown leather.

He shook it out, and they both stared. It was a harness, but different from the one they bought in the sex store. It looked like a sort of thong John could pull Rodney's cock through, and then there were laces he could tie it into place with.

Rodney fingered it, a quiet smile on his face.

"This has possibilities." John's erection had gone semi-soft while talking to Halling. It was starting to clamor for attention again.

Rodney's fingers drifted over the leather ties. They were along the front, up the front. It would secure his lover's cock tight against his body.

"Why don't you strip and we can see if it fits?" Considering Dumon had all of Rodney's measurements by now, he was pretty sure it would.

His lover glanced up, his blue eyes darkening in arousal.

"I bet it will feel fantastic, that leather riding your crack, the ties holding your dick in place, knowing you're all trussed up like a present just for me."

"Please."

"Stand up. Strip."

John rose, stepping back a step or two, taking the harness and the bag of food. Rodney stood, hands reaching for the hem of his shirt.

"Halling gave me some food too, which will supplement what I brought. So you'll be all decked out in your new outfit, on display for me, while I feed you dinner."

Rodney nodded before his head vanished for a minute, hidden within the folds of his shirt. It was tossed on the passenger chair before he started on his pants, opening them and shoving them down to reveal his very erect cock, still surrounded by the Ancient ring.

John let himself just look. The stuff his lover was already wearing—cuffs, collars, chains—made John pant with want. This added to it...

Rodney gave up stripping about a minute later, pants around his ankles on top of his boots.

John had to chuckle. "In addition to smoking hot sexy, you know you're absolutely adorable, right?"

Confusion crossed his lover's face. "What?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely adorable." Moving closer, John brushed light kisses across Rodney's features.

Rodney moaned quietly, melting into John's body, hands wrapping around John's waist.

"Love you." John nuzzled the words into Rodney's hair.

"Love you," Rodney whispered, breath ghosting over John's skin.

"I'm gonna take your boots off so we can finish stripping you."

"Okay." Rodney nodded, letting his arms drop from to his sides.

He quickly finished divesting his lover of the pesky clothing—in a perfect world he would just be able to keep Rodney naked all the time—and then grabbed the new harness. It was fairly easy to figure out, and in almost no time Rodney was tied up like the best gift John could ever have hoped for.

John had tightened it down, making sure the leather was secure against Rodney's skin, settled in between his ass cheeks. Rodney was panting quietly, waiting patiently for John.

Rocking back on his heels, John drank in the sight. His lover was red and weeping for him, the harness accentuating and enhancing his dick. "I wish I had a better word than beautiful. You're so much more than that."

Rodney reached out for John, hand stopping just short of touching his cheek.

John leaned forward enough to bring them into contact. He closed his eyes for a moment and just enjoyed being here with his lover, his sub, his life.

His lover moaned quietly, sinking to his knees in front of John.

He held out his arms and pulled Rodney closer, enfolding him. They were both on their knees on an unforgiving floor, but right now, that didn't matter.

Rodney melted into John's arms, purring quietly against John's neck.

"Hungry?" John whispered it, even as he shifted so he was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, tugging Rodney into his lap.

A silent nod was John's reply, Rodney's head pillowed on his shoulder.

He snagged the bag from the nearby chair. A quick glance revealed some cheese and fruits, and what looked like jerky of some sort. John fished out a few bite-sized pieces, feeding them to his lover.

Rodney took them eagerly, his hand resting against John's chest, fingers splayed wide.

John liked this position—it allowed him to rub his nose in Rodney's soft hair, inhaling his scent, while being able to hold him and feed him at the same time. He could stay like this for hours.

Rodney was quiet, breathing easily, fingers rubbing softly over John's chest. He ate everything John fed him, keeping his mouth open when he was finished chewing. It was effortless, easy. It was the perfect counterpoint to their heavy play, this quiet, gentle time of just being together.

He made sure he ate a little too, and they made quick work of both what John had brought and what Halling had given them. He wrapped both his arms around Rodney and closed his eyes, just holding him close.

His lover released a quiet sigh, his own arms encircling John as he nuzzled his neck.

John tilted his head slightly, giving Rodney more room.

Rodney purred, settling in closer. John could feel his lover's nose pressed into his neck, lips grazing against John's pulse point.

It sent little delicious shivers all down John's spine. So perfect.

It wasn't until several minutes later, that John felt one of Rodney's hands carefully opening John's BDUs.

He pulled in a breath, but didn't stop the other man. Instead, he stayed relaxed, kept his eyes closed, curious as to what Rodney would do, and content to let it happen for the moment.

Rodney's hand was cool against the skin as it slid into John's boxers, wrapping around his shaft. He stilled once his hand was in place, his touch light.

John couldn't help the soft noise he made. He both wanted Rodney to touch him and get him off, but he also didn't want this quite connection between them to end just yet. So instead of giving an order, he pressed his lips to Rodney's temple.

They stayed like that for a little while before finally Rodney began to move his hand, stroking him carefully, lightly, twisting his hand right at the tip the way John loved.

John moaned softly into Rodney's skin, his hips shifting restlessly, trying to get more contact almost against his will.

"Want to make you feel good," Rodney whispered, the words ghosting against John's skin.

"You always do." John matched Rodney's whisper, pleasure starting to weigh down his limbs.

Rodney then shifted, sliding down John's body until he was lying on the floor, face in John's groin. He swallowed John down a moment later, humming contentedly.

Oh, this was John's happy place. He was pretty sure it just didn't get any better than this.

With his hands on John's ass, Rodney started to blow him—slow and steady—until he was begging for it.

"Oh god, oh god, Rodney... Need to come…please..."

But his lover didn't alter his pace. Instead, he just simply drove John out of his mind.

Rodney knew John's body, knew how to play it as finely as John could play his. So he brought John right to the edge and then kept him there. His fingers fisted in the tangled BDUs as John let the pleasure wash over him, let Rodney love him.

It had been a good idea to bring Rodney along, John thought, as his toes curled in his boots.

God. It was like his lover was worshipping his dick. John didn't think anyone had ever done anything like this for him before.

And this is something Rodney had done all day for him, to him. Without complaint. With pleasure. Eagerly.

"Rodney, oh Rodney... love you so much…"

John had never imagined that Rodney would do this, let alone want to do this, get this deep for him. John had used him today for his own pleasure. He'd bound him heavily, restricted him until there was nothing for him to do except pleasure him, and Rodney had purred and dropped into headspace so deeply, so perfectly.

With a small sob, John thrust up, into his lover's mouth. God, he needed to come so badly it hurt.

Rodney moaned encouragement.

Panting, John couldn't get much leverage in this position. Small, short thrusts were all he was capable of.

Then Rodney did something weird. Tugging John with him, he managed to roll onto his back without letting go. John moved with him, careful to watch where his knees ended up. Then Rodney was spread under him—naked and bound and beautiful—and his mouth was warm and welcoming.

"Oh fuck..." John couldn't resist it—he wasn't strong enough. He started to thrust, taking, claiming Rodney's body once more as his.

Rodney moaned encouragingly, hands on John's ass, pushing him to take more.

John was aware he was babbling, but he had no idea what he was saying. He was too close, had been riding the edge of orgasm for too long. It only took him a few more, deep thrusts, bumping the back of his lover's throat, before John was coming, his whole body spasming with it.

Rodney swallowed everything down except for a few drops that spilled out, sliding down his jaw.

Feeling like all his bones had liquefied, John managed to slump sideways so he didn't completely crush the other man. "M'dead now."

Rodney shifted, wrapping his arms around whatever part of John's body he could reach—more or less his upper thighs.

"S'a good way to go."

"Mmm," Rodney hummed.

"Could spend the rest of my life naked in bed with you. Who needs work?"

John felt Rodney shrug in reply.

He managed to work up the energy to wiggle around until Rodney was properly in his arms again, both of them stretched out on the Jumper floor. "How you doing?"

"Good," Rodney whispered. "Really good."

John worked a hand between them, learning by feel the way the new harness held his lover. "This comfortable?"

Rodney nodded. "Feels like you're holding me. Different than the others."

"Like this one better, or your other one?"

"Like both."

John chuckled. "Depends on what we're doing then, as to which one you'll wear."

"Mmm, good." Rodney sounded so…content.

"How's your back doing on this floor?"

"Fine."

"Good." John mouthed sloppy kisses against Rodney's skin, still too wiped out for much more.

Rodney shifted, bringing his mouth in line with John's, their lips connecting in easy, lazy kisses. His lover probably needed to come, but he wasn't complaining, demanding, or even asking for completion.

John rubbed his thumb over the head of Rodney's erection. "This hurt? Or can you maintain it until we get back to the room later?"

Rodney moaned, arching into John's touch. "Good. Feels good," he panted.

"Good." John dipped his tongue in to taste his lover's arousal. "Stay hard for me, like this, until we're back home. I like knowing you're leaking for me."

"All for you," Rodney said with a moan, pressing into John's hand, into his body.

"I'll tie you to the bed so you can't move, and then I want to be the one to taste. I'm not going to let you come for a long time—not until my jaw is aching."

"Please," he whispered, rocking forward with a moan.

"I will. But first we'll need to get presentable again and get home."

"Please," he repeated, lips finding John's once again, this time with need and arousal behind it.

John let his lover have a moment, then he took back control of the kiss. "No. Not yet. I like you like this. Needy. Aroused. Want you to stay this way for a while."

Rodney whimpered, but nodded, his blue eyes darkened in lust. "Want to…for you."

"Every time you move, you'll feel the harness gripping you, your clothes rubbing against you. I want everything to remind you of me, of what I'll be doing to you later, of what we've done all day today."

"So good," he panted, fingers digging into John's back.

"And it will get better later. When I have my mouth around you, teasing you, tasting you, sucking you..."

"Fucking me…"

"Mmmm, that's the only thing you don't get tonight. If you're healed enough tomorrow, I'll let you wear the slim plug for a bit."

"Please. Want to feel you."

John pressed light kisses all over Rodney's face. "No. But I'll make you feel good, even without that."

"But John—"

"Shhh." John hushed him. "I'll give you what I think you need. Just relax and trust me."

"Please…" Rodney whispered, whimpering into John's chest.

John held him close. "I love you. I'll take care of you."

It took another few minutes before Rodney relaxed again, his body losing its tension. He was still aroused and needy, but something had shifted once again.

John let out a quiet sigh. They were going to have to head back soon.

It was almost like Rodney was desperate for the contact, for the reassurance, for the submission.

He shifted, starting to sit up. "We need to get cleaned up and back to the city. We can pick this back up there."

Rodney held on tighter, not letting John move.

"Buddy? Rodney? Are you okay?"

He nodded.

"We need to get you dressed so we can get back to Atlantis."

Rodney didn't reply, simply holding on tighter.

Since he wasn't sure what was going on in his lover's head, John gave him this, just held him.

When five minutes moved onto ten and then to fifteen, John shifted again, his body getting a little sore and tired from holding the position against the floor. Rodney continued to hold him, shifting with him to make sure he was pressed up against John.

"We need to move. If I'm getting stiff, I know you have to be hurting."

"I'm fine."

"We still need to get home."

"Comfy."

"Be comfier in our bed."

"Don't want to move." That seriously sounded like a pout.

"We can't spend the night on the jumper floor in orbit."

"Why not?" Yes. A pout was confirmed.

"Because I said so." John kissed his lover's forehead. "So let me up. The sooner I get us moving, the sooner you'll be tied down and squirming for me."

Rodney huffed and held on tighter. Nice wasn't going to work tonight.

Rolling, John pinned his lover to the floor, looking down at him. "That wasn't a request."

If possible, Rodney's eyes got even darker as he stared up wide-eyed at John.

John brushed their lips together briefly. "I indulge you because I love you. But don't forget that I am your top, and when I give you an order, especially when you're wearing my claim on your body, I expect it to be followed."

Rodney moaned quietly, nodding. "That’s…all the time," he whispered, shifting a little under John. Pleasure and desire was clear in his eyes and on his face. Apparently this is what he needed, wanted.

"Which means that while I encourage questions and even debate, about anything and everything, when I give you an actual order, I expect it followed. All the time. You're mine, and you agreed to give me that control. I'm not relinquishing it, now or ever."

His lover nodded again, moaning as John pushed down on his limbs, holding him a little more firmly in place.

"When I sit up, you're going to let me. And you're going to stand up and let me dress you. And then we're going back to Atlantis, delivering this equipment, and then I'm taking you home to do obscene and pleasurable things to your body until I decide I want to see and hear and taste you come. And you aren't going to argue with me about it."

"Please," he said quietly, no longer struggling or shifting against John's hold.

"Good boy." John smiled warmly, then sat up, this time with no resistance. "We won't be going far, so you're going to wear your new harness. Even if I get delayed, you're going directly home, stripping, and waiting for me in the middle of our bed."

At Rodney's soft "Yes, John," he reached down, touching the trail of dried come on Rodney's jaw.

"Stand up for me. I'll get you dressed again, and clean you up. If you're very good for me, I'll consider—and I make no promises—fingering you later. I need to rub a bit more cream on anyway—behave and obey, and I'll make it part of our play. Fight me, and it will just be something quick done right before bed."

Once John rose to his feet, Rodney slowly rose, his eyes fixed on John. He was trembling a little—with arousal and need and want—which was exactly what John wanted.

"Very good." John purred as he walked around his lover, examining him. Beautiful. He ran a hand along Rodney's shoulder and down his back, light caresses more to connect them than anything else.

John could see Rodney's hands clenching into fists at his side as he visibly held himself back from moving, shifting.

From behind, John let his hands settle on Rodney's hips, let his breath ghost over his lover's ear. "You're delicious, all decked out and trembling. It makes me want to drive you wild, tie you down and make you thrash against the restraints because you're so desperate for it, for me."

Rodney sucked in a deep breath, holding it in for a moment before letting it out as a moan along with a begging, pleading "Please, John."

"Soon. We've done about all we're going to in the Jumper tonight." John grabbed Rodney's clothes and got them both more or less presentable. Or at least, presentable enough that they wouldn't raise too many eyebrows.

Rodney's eyes were closed as he stood before John, trembling quietly. John adjusted a few more things, tugging the shirt to cover the collar and his harness a little better, zipping up his jacket to hide the larger nipple rings and chains.

When he was satisfied, John reached down and cupped the bulge of Rodney's erection. "Mine."

His lover moaned deeply, a shudder running through his body.

He squeezed a bit, feeling the ties through the fabric. "I like knowing you're bound. That your cock knows who it belongs to."

Rodney moaned again, panting out John's name even as he nodded in agreement.

"I want to hear you say it. Tell me who this belongs to. Who you belong to."

"Oh god…" Rodney whispered, dragging in a ragged breath. "Yours."

"Yours, sir." John put a little bit of steel in his voice.

"Yours, yes, yours."

John tightened his grip on Rodney, to not quite painful yet, but it would be there soon. "Not good enough."

Rodney whimpered and moaned—an odd combination. "Oh god…yours. Belong to you, to John."

"Still not good enough. I am your master, Rodney. You will show me the respect that position deserves. Who do you belong to?"

He moaned again, panting out his reply. "I belong to you, to John Sheppard."

John squeezed a little tighter. "I believe I told you to call me sir. Who do you belong to?"

"You, sir," Rodney said immediately, his breath ragged, voice rising slightly.

"You're getting there. Put it all together now, Rodney. I want to hear you acknowledge your master, dominant and lover." John didn't know why, but this felt important. He needed Rodney to say it.

Rodney gulped audibly, but nodded, drawing in another tight, ragged breath. His voice strengthened as he spoke, the words coming easier, more confidently, more determined, as if daring John to disagree. "I belong to you, sir. To John Sheppard. I'm yours to do with as you see fit. Yours to love, to care for. I'm your partner, your lover, your whore, your slut, your slave, sir. Please, let me serve you, service you, pleasure you. Please, sir. If anyone asks I would tell them that I belong to John Sheppard, heart and body and mind and soul."

John sucked in a breath—that had been more than he was expecting. He loosened his grip on Rodney's erection slightly, bringing his other hand up to cup his lover's face. He let his own features soften. "Always. I will always love you, cherish you, take care of you. Be your partner, your master, your lover."

Rodney leaned into him, breathing heavily.

"I love you." John pressed his lips to the center of Rodney's forehead. "I will always love you. And I will always accept your submission as the gift that it is."

"Love you, sir."

John eased his grip completely from Rodney's dick. "Go sit down and I'll take us home."

Rodney nodded, moving immediately to the co-pilot's chair once John let him go.

Taking a deep breath, John gave himself a moment to collect his thoughts, and then followed. When he broke orbit, he opened a channel back to the city. "Atlantis this is Jumper One. Requesting permission to land."

"Permission granted, Jumper One." It sounded like Chuck was on call in the gateroom. "You're clear to land at your leisure."

"Thanks Control. Our ETA is five minutes." John glanced over at his lover as he started going through the landing sequence.

Rodney's eyes were open, focused out the front window, but John doubted he was seeing much. There was a smile, a soft smile, on his face.

Anticipation of what they would do as soon as they were back curled in John's stomach. Life was never boring with Rodney McKay as his partner and submissive, that was for sure.

***

Rodney could not have asked for a better day, a better lover, a better master.

Today he'd spent the most of his time on his knees—which were sore—and naked and heavily bound and Rodney had discovered, much to his surprise and delight, that he'd loved every minute of it. The chance to simply let go and exist was a sacred treasure. His only job—pleasuring John—was easy, fulfilling.

And then John had been perfect, demanding his obedience, demanding the words that had finally fallen from his mouth.

He was John's—his whore, slut, slave, lover, partner, bottom—entirely. If he could please and pleasure his lover… Right now he felt as if he could simply survive on John's love and affection and approval.

Rodney could imagine spending his days tied to John's bed, bound and oiled and lubed and prepared for his lover's pleasure whenever he wished it. He would spend the day aroused and panting for his lover, filled with his come when John used him, took his pleasure in him.

John's touch on his arm roused him.

"We're back in Atlantis. I need to go report to Elizabeth and make sure someone collects this stuff. You're going to head to our room and arrange yourself so I can admire you as soon as I get there."

Rodney blinked once, letting John's words settle before he nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Good boy." John purred his approval.

He smiled up at John, eager to please, wanting to feel his lover touching him again.

"Before you settle on the bed, get out the cream Carson gave us. I think you've more than earned what I promised you."

Rodney's breath caught in his throat. John would fill him, touch him inside. He moaned quietly, offering another nod. "Yes, John."

That earned him another brief caress. "I won't be long. Go wait for me."

John's hand caught his and he tugged Rodney to his feet, urging him to move with a swat to his ass. Rodney tried not to moan, but it escaped him.

His lover chuckled, a deep, sexy sound. "I think I'll ask Dumon to make me a flogger. Soft suede, so it will have some bite to it, but will feel almost luxurious against that gorgeous ass."

"Yes, please, sir," Rodney said, glancing over his shoulder.

"Mmmm. I can tie you so your ass is in the air, exposed. Flog you until you're nice and red and hot, then fuck you senseless. It has possibilities."

Rodney moaned, the image immediately running through his head. He could feel the bite of the flogger, the warmth and heat in his ass, the tightness of the restraints.

John had moved behind him, and whispered in his ear. "Go back home before you're too hard to walk. We'll talk more about what kind of flogger we're going to commission later."

He nodded, already unsteady on his feet. But he moved, heading down the ramp and to the main jumper bay entrance. He headed down the stairs and to the nearest transporter. After a quick transport and a short walk, Rodney was back in their quarters and he started stripping as soon as the door closed behind him. He had one goal in mind: make John happy.

As soon as he was down to his skin, he paused in front of the mirror, looking over his body and the accoutrements John had placed on him. He almost didn't recognize himself.

The new leather harness had warmed to his skin, cradling him and caressing him even as it held him tightly in place. He fingered the leather ties, wishing they were John's fingers touching him, holding him, but he knew it would be soon.

He moved quickly to the bathroom, pulling out the cream John wanted and putting it on the bedside table. He quickly straightened the bed covers and cleared everything away before pulling out the straps and tethers and locks that he needed. Lastly, he grabbed the blindfold and penis gag John had used before—hoping his lover would choose to use them again.

With carefully moments, Rodney prepared himself, securing six tethers to the bed, making sure they were secure before positioning himself in the middle. His feet were first, locked into place with a padlock, his legs spread wide. He adjusted the tethers, tightening them down so he couldn't close his legs. Once they were set, he added another tether between his feet, locking them together so there was no way for him to move them further out.

Making sure the gag and blindfold were next to him on the bed, he laid down, happy to see the tethers were perfectly placed. Two attached to the d-ring on his collar, which he tightened down as best as he could. He would not be able to move his neck or body. He'd be forced to stay exactly in position.

The wrists were harder. He could only attach one hand, lock the one padlock into place. He couldn't tighten down the strap, but there was no where for him to go.

All he could do now was wait for John.

John would take care of the rest.

He didn't know how much time had passed, but it couldn't have been long before he heard the front door open. A moment later, and his lover was in the room with him, a small smile on his face as he took in what Rodney had done.

"John." He breathed the word, worship and hope and love all rolled into it.

John moved closer, tugging at the straps, testing their strength. He tightened the ones Rodney hadn't been able to adjust. He glanced at the blindfold and gag, the cream. "Very good."

"Thank you, sir," he whispered, craving John's touch, wanting even more from his master.

John continued to move around the bed, one finger trailing along Rodney's body. He smeared the pre-come leaking from the tip of Rodney's dick, let it tease down, fluttering against Rodney's perineum but then moving on before getting near his entrance.

Rodney was trembling, trapped and bound by his own hand to the bed. The warmed leather felt like his skin and he could feel every touch of John's hands against him.

"So much I want to do to you. I almost don't know where to start."

"Anything…anything you want," Rodney whispered, tugging at the restraints that held him down.

"That goes without saying." John blinked slowly and climbed onto the bed, settling between Rodney's legs. "Watch me. Don't close your eyes or look away."

"Please…" Rodney moaned, wanting John to touch him.

His lover smirked, then started to mouth Rodney, tracing the ties that held his cock in place with a wet tongue, working over the aching flesh inch by inch, the blowing over the whole shaft to dry it and starting all over again.

Rodney tried to arch up, but only ended up struggling and pulling at the restraints, squirming under John's touch as he moaned in pleasure. His lover, his master, was only beginning. What would the rest of the night be like?

Sitting back, John had a small smile curving his lips. "That was good for a warm-up. I've come quite a bit today, so I can take my time and just enjoy you."

Rodney shivered at his master's tone, anticipating what he'd do to him, what kinds of sensations he'd give him. "Please…"

John just hummed, sliding back off the bed. Rodney couldn't see what he was doing, but a few minutes later, the other man was back. Naked now, and setting out several lit candles around the bed. Instead of placing the last one on the bedside table, however, he held it over Rodney's chest, tipping it just enough to drizzle a stream of hot wax onto nipples already sensitive from the rings and chains.

Moaning and groaning, Rodney squirmed on the bed, the warmth spreading through his body, the initial burn settling quickly into pleasure.

John was careful not to get any wax on the leather, but that just meant Rodney's dick was the only part spared. When his dom exhausted one candle, he switched it out for another, layering the wax in an intricate pattern all over Rodney's body.

From the sensitive skin in the crook of his elbow, to his armpits and inner thighs, Rodney was slowly, but surely, covered with the wax. He was constantly shifting and tugging at the bonds, nearly writhing on the bed in pleasure and pain and desire. His eyes were open, but nearly unseeing, trapped in his own world.

So he wasn't expecting it when it wasn't heat, but cold, ice cold, pressed against his abused nipples.

His breath caught in his throat, a strangled moan as his body jerked in the restraints. "Oh…John…"

John just hummed again, and then started alternating the sensations at random, ice and wax, hot and cold, pleasure and pain all blending together.

Whenever his eyes closed—unintentionally due to sensory overload—John would press his hand against his trapped cock, squeezing hard until his eyes opened once again. Rodney could only pant and moan, breathing John's name when his lips and mouth would allow him to.

John had gotten back on the bed at some point. He was doing something with the harness, loosening it a bit, but Rodney still wasn't prepared when a small ice cube was drawn down his dick, across his balls, and then pushed inside him.

Rodney yelped, trying to squirm away, but he couldn't. It was icy and hot at the same time, nearly burning with cold. He tugged at the bonds hard, moaning and writhing and totally consumed by the sensation.

John just pushed it until it was through the ring of muscle, all the way inside him. And then another joined it.

He could already feel the water dripping out of his ass as the cubes melted, as John continued to push two more in. Rodney was moaning constantly, panting for breath as he tried to get away.

When Rodney was full of ice, John took the head of his dick back into his very hot mouth, sucking hard.

With a hard shudder and a loud yell, Rodney swore he saw stars, desperately needing to come, but unable thanks to the Ancient cock ring secured around the base of his dick. He was sobbing and pleading, begging for release.

But his master wasn't finished with him.

Using his mouth and fingers, John finally released Rodney's dick from its leather casing, pulling the harness away. This was a mixed blessing however. Now the swollen and leaking flesh was subjected to the same treatment the rest of his body had received—a little bit of wax was dribbled along his length, followed by an ice cube held right against his leaking slit.

Rodney was lost in the sensations, writhing on the bed, babbling continually. He could hear the sounds of his speech, but nothing made sense to him.

John choose that moment to push more ice inside him, replacing what had melted, even as he went back to sucking on the very tip of Rodney, licking away the salty moisture being produced constantly.

God! He needed to come so badly. Needed the release.

And then his master started to hum around him.

Stars and planets and comets all flew through Rodney's vision, his body struggling for release from the bonds and the constant sensations. Rodney was sobbing and moaning constantly, his words long gone. He didn't want this sweet torture to end, but he needed to come so badly.

And then the sweet heat was gone. John settled alongside Rodney's body, one hand in the middle of his chest. And he didn't move.

Rodney keened long and loud, the wail ending in a sob. "Please, Master, please. I need to come, please I need to come so bad, please, I'll do whatever you want, but please let me come, please, oh god, John, please, sir…"

"Mmm, you beg so pretty. I was thinking about making you wait until tomorrow to come, but you can change my mind." One of Rodney's nipples was fondled and twisted. "Can you take more ice inside you? Can I fill you with ice until it's jostling your prostate?"

Rodney could only moan and sob, exhausted and overly sensitive, teetering on the knife's edge of his climax. He could still feel the water dribbling out of his ass, soaking the bedcovers beneath him.

John ran a hand through his hair. "If you can take all the rest of the ice I have with me, I'll let you come. You can do it, Rodney, I know you can." He shifted and another cube was pressed against Rodney's entrance.

"Wait," he managed to sob. He could wait. His master wanted him to wait.

John paused. "Wait for what?"

"I can wait."

"To come?" John smiled, brushing his lips across Rodney's. "Maybe. You're going to take this ice, and then I'll decide if I want you to come."

"Yes, sir," Rodney whispered, trying to shift up to press his lips to John, but the tethers held him in place.

John put one finger against Rodney's lips, letting him taste briefly before pulling it away. And then he set about filling Rodney completely with ice. Even the slight movements he could make with the tethers set the cubes to jostling against each other and his prostate.

Rodney was sobbing, the ice burning him even as it cooled and melted inside of him.

"Shhh. So good, Rodney. I'm so proud of you. Such a good boy." John soothed him, whispering softly. "Come for me. Let me see you let go."

As soon as the cock ring loosened, the arousal that had been pooling in his spine erupted from him even without a touch from John's hand. His body trembled and jerked and tugged at the restraints, his breath coming hard and fast as his climax rolled through him.

Darkness and light washed over him until he knew nothing, a gentle hand on his chest his next clear sensation.

The soft breathing next to him was measured—John was asleep. The tethers had been loosened to give Rodney room to move a bit, and he—and the bed—had been cleaned. He must have been out for a while.

Rodney shifted slightly, the blanket covering them crinkling a little.

John murmured, his fingers curling a little into Rodney's chest, but he didn't wake.

If he didn't have to go to the bathroom he would have simply slid back into sleep—it was dark, sometime in the middle of the night—but he had to go. "Master…John?" Rodney said quietly, shifting against his lover again.

"Mmm?" John rubbed his face against Rodney's shoulder.

"I have to go."

"Go?" John's voice was still sleep-slurred. When he sat up a little, Rodney could see he was blinking almost like a small child aroused from slumber. It was a rare glimpse of the innocence John had managed to retain, through all he had been through.

"You keep feeding me."

"Mmmm." John's smile was sweet. "'Kay." He released the straps from the cuffs, so it only took a moment before Rodney was free, John curling back up.

"Sorry to wake you," Rodney whispered as he sat up, his muscles pleasantly sore in an over-sexed kind of way.

"S'okay. Hurry back. S'cold without you."

Rodney nodded, pressing a light kiss to John's temple before climbing out of bed. It took a little while for Rodney to take care of business before finally tumbling back into the bed, crawling back to the middle, to John.

His lover was asleep again, features smoothed out. Rodney didn't often just get to observe John at rest like this.

He paused before sliding in next to him, simply watching his lover sleep. There was something about it…something about the whole day. It was like something had changed between them. It was small, but significant.

At some point later, Rodney realized there were two hazel eyes sleepily watching him.

"Hi."

Rodney smiled softly. "Hi." He wanted to add "sir" or "master" to the end, but he closed his mouth before either could slip free. Here, cuffed and collared and chained like this, they were slave and master, top and bottom, dom and sub.

"'Cha doin'?"

"Just…" He shrugged, before continuing quietly. "Watching you. Looking. I hope that's okay, sir."

John hummed, a smile curving his lips. "S'okay. I like it. Makes me feel sexy."

"You are."

John made a pleased noise, stretching out to give Rodney a tantalizing view, shadows and a bit of blanket enhancing John's clean lines.

"Can I…can I suck you?"

"Don't know if I can get it up again tonight, but yes." John put both hands above his head, spreading his legs.

Rodney moved slowly, pulling the blankets away so he could crawl under them, leaving them to cover John as he shifted further down the bed. He could smell John's musk—strong and perfect—even before he buried his face in his groin.

Yes. This was perfect.

John hadn't been kidding—he was completely soft—but his lover made a muffled noise of appreciation. "Like a fantasy."

Rodney shifted his body, sliding completely to the bottom of the bed, trapped between the tucked in covers and John's body. With his arms around John's legs, he took John in his mouth, loving the taste, the smell.

He felt the vibrations as John hummed his pleasure.

Rodney worked at his lover until he felt him hardening in his mouth. Yes. This was perfect. Rodney worked quickly, knowing John needed to sleep. Orgasms always made John sleepy.

John's hips started making tiny thrusts up, but the blankets and Rodney's body kept him from going far.

Taking him deep and sucking hard, John let out a soft moan and came. Rodney swallowed eagerly, nursing him through his climax before licking him clean. With a quiet sigh, Rodney settled back down, head on John's pelvis, nose nuzzling his master's cock.

"You staying under there?" Rodney felt a hand skimming his shoulder through the covers.

Rodney nodded, not moving.

John chuckled, loosening the blankets a bit. Rodney could hear sleep starting to claim his lover's voice again. "Nice way to fall asleep."

Rodney waited until his master fell asleep, his breath evening out, his muscles relaxing in slumber before allowing himself to do the same.

***

John felt more relaxed, looser, than he had in a very long time. As he waited in Kate’s office for the doctor to arrive with their regular coffee and breakfast, he closed his eyes and thought about the day before, smiling to himself.

Rodney had been amazing. Absolutely amazing. He was… he was perfect and beautiful, and John thanked whatever random Gods might be listening for sending him such a gift of a man to care for and love.

They'd showered this morning, Rodney's sore ass still plug-free. With a mission tomorrow, he needed to be in top condition. The plug would wait.

Surprisingly Rodney hadn't fought him on it.

John hummed to himself, stretching his legs out so he was sprawled on Kate's couch, one hand idly rubbing his own chest as he replayed the day before and this morning. The submission. The sex. The connection between them that only seemed to be getting deeper every day.

"You're in a good mood," Kate said quietly.

John cracked his eyes, grinning lazily at her as he accepted his coffee. "You know, I think you might be right."

"Sex last night?"

John snorted. "I have a hot sub and yesterday was the only real day I had between his missions if I don't want to compromise him. What do you think?"

"I'll change that to sex for most of the day."

John gave her another lazy smile. It was fun having a shrink who was also a top. "Rodney was off yesterday. I wasn't. I'll let you fill in the blanks."

"So, naughty sex then. And Rodney agreed?"

"Mmmm. More than agreed. Did you want a blow-by-blow? He spent the bulk of the day on his knees under my desk in our suite."

Kate smiled and leaned back. "Only if you wanted to provide one."

Chuckling, he decided to see if he could shock her. "He spent the day sucking on me, while I took meetings. No one knew he was there."

"The noise wasn't a problem?" Damn. She didn't even flinch.

"Noise dampening collar." He stretched, pushing his arms above his head. If they didn't change the subject, he was going to embarrass himself.

Kate's head tilted to the side, eyes narrowing slightly as if considering the implications of what he'd said. "Ancient?"

"Of course. We have a few Ancient sex toys. Why?"

"How thoroughly have they been tested?"

John gave her a lazy smirk.

"Once? Twice?"

"The collar a few times, we don't use it often since I like to hear him. The cock ring he's rarely without, so if I had to guess, hundreds of times at least."

"So why yesterday?"

"We didn't unless I had someone in the office. No one else needs to be able to hear him."

She nodded, offering a smile. "How was it?"

John smiled again. "I feel pretty damn good this morning."

"Is that why Rodney took off? So you could have sex?"

"That wasn't the only reason. And why are we dissecting my sex life?"

Kate shrugged. "Why not? Or did you have something else in mind to talk about?" She smiled. "And besides, if you can't talk about sex with your shrink, who can you talk about it with?"

It startled a laugh out of him. "All right. I'd rather talk about sex than dissecting my psyche any day. Yes, sex was one of the reasons Rodney took off, although it was really more for submission than sex. There was both, but I think we both wanted the connection to each other more than anything else."

"Why do you think that it was more about submission than sex?"

"Because he needed to let go and relax, and I needed to have him close by, where I could touch him."

"Why did you need that?"

He made a face. "I thought we were going to talk about sex." With a sigh, he ran a hand through his hair. "Because I want to be back in the field. I hate this, hate being disconnected from my base, my team, my city. At least I could fix the disconnection between me and my lover."

"We are talking about sex. Sexual relations play a large role in the mental well-being of all creatures. How you view and react to sexual situations can help me to determine where there may be underlying issues. So you said there was a disconnection. What did you mean by that?"

He huffed. "All right. I'm disconnected from everything right now, Kate. On the edges of my command. With Rodney it is less, but even there, I'm not out on missions with him. Something's bothering him, and I don't know what it is because I'm not out there to see what's really going on. At least with Rodney I can bridge that gap when he's in the city, but even then... Lorne and Elizabeth want to increase my team's mission load because they're the only first-contact team, and Rodney is really needed on some science missions."

"So you fell back to old patterns."

"No. This wasn't an old pattern. It was something new. I don't think he's ever gone that deep before, and I've never..." John trailed off. "It was a way for us to be closer."

Kate shook her head. "Not Rodney, you. Your fight or flight response. Throughout your life you've either faced a situation or run from it—depending upon what it meant to you. For the last several years you've been running. You ran here to escape something else back on Earth." She looked at John, her eyes piercing, daring him to disagree.

He froze, unwilling to confirm it, and knowing she wouldn't let him deny it.

"But now, things have changed. You're fighting. You're here talking to me, fighting to keep your job, fighting to keep a submissive. What's changed, John?"

He licked his lips, looking away, unable to hold her gaze. "It…matters. This is my home, my family."

"Why?"

He didn't want to answer, so he kept his eyes fixed firmly on the opposite wall.

"Why, John?" The tone of command in her voice didn't waver. "It is because this is the first time you're in control of something bigger than yourself?"

He jerked. It felt like the words were being torn out of him. And here he had thought sex talk would be an easy session. "No one else ever believed in me. Or... it was too easy to pretend they didn't. To walk away. Easy not to care when no one cares what happens to you."

"So it is because you have power, control. So are you really a selfish bastard who was looking for a power trip? Was that why you came here? You were escaping from being under the thumb of Uncle Sam. Here you could spread your wings, find your own power base, take on a slave, a submissive. Is that what this is all about? Is that why you struck out at that man, cut off his cock because he was threatening you?"

The anger was swift. John wasn't even aware of moving, of backing Kate against the wall. "I came here as the fuck-up of the USAF. I didn't ask for command, didn't want it. I came here to fucking die. If you ever suggest I'm using Atlantis, people's lives, Rodney, for my own gain..."

But she didn't let up. Even backed against the wall, she wouldn't give up. "So what is this all about? Why are you fighting back now? If it's not about power, what's it about? Or do you want to kill me, hurt me, because I'm getting too close to the truth—just like that man? Should I give you a knife, make it easier for you?"

John jerked again like someone had thrown cold water on him. He sank to the floor, knees giving out. "No, oh god no. Kate…I'm sorry, I..."

"So you're just going to give up? The going gets a little tough and you curl up?" Her voice was strong, making his head jerk up. She was demanding an answer.

"No. I... It's not... I can't fall. If I fail, people die. I can't... they need me to be strong, to protect them. No one's ever..."

"No one's ever what?" She was unrelenting.

"Trusted me to keep them safe. Atlantis... I..."

"You what?"

"I can't let them down. I didn't ask for this, but I was the only one they had, they still have. They need me, the city needs me, and I can't... if I break... I can't let more people die, not when I can stop it."

"Can you stop it?"

"I have to."

"Why?"

He started to shake, trying, and failing, to break away from the unrelenting gaze. "My fault. All those deaths... I can't... I have to protect them. There's no other option."

"Why?"

He closed his eyes. "They're my responsibility."

Kate's voice was closer, quieter, but no less demanding. "Why are they your responsibility?"

"Who else's are they? I..."

"They can take care of themselves. Rodney can take care of himself."

John shook his head. "They rely on me to protect them. Keep them alive."

Kate's voice turned silky smooth. "I’m sure Rodney could take care of himself. He's resourceful."

He shook his head again.

"Why not? Is it because if he did try to do that he would interfere with your own grab for power and control?"

John almost didn't recognize the painful noise as coming from himself. "No. I... It's not..."

"Then what is it about?"

"I can't let anyone else die. I can't..."

"But you kill people."

He clenched, his stomach turning over. "I had no choice. I didn't... I don't like killing. But I'd rather be the one to do it than ask someone else to. I'm... I'm already... damaged. If I can protect them from that too..."

"If you're damaged, how can you really protect Rodney?"

"I don't know." He whispered it. "But... he needs me, and I can't let him down."

"Why does he need you? How does he need you?"

"He needs me to be strong so he doesn't have to."

"Why?"

"Because." He swallowed, trying to find his balance again, get his masks, that she had torn down with a few well-placed questions, back into place.

"Because you fear he's stronger than you?"

"No! Because the rest of the city looks to him to be their savior. He needs a place where he can just be Rodney."

"Do you?"

"I give him that. I love him."

"I already know you love him, but that wasn't the question. Is he your savior?"

John tried to stand, to put some distance between them instead of answering, but she had the upper hand. "He doesn't need that stress on top of everything else. It's my job to be strong so he doesn't have to."

"But if he's your savior, isn't he the strong one? Is that what you fear? You fear his strength so you made him your submissive, your slave."

"No!" John tried again to rise, to get away from her relentless questions. "It's not that at all, and stop fucking trying to cheapen him, what he needs!"

"How do you know what he needs?"

"How do you know what I need?" He challenged her, eyes flashing. He managed to roll to his knees, but god damn he had forgotten for a moment that she was an experienced top as well. He was just enough of a switch that he reacted to her when she changed her body language to take advantage of the situation. He glared at her, but stopped trying to stand up. "How does anyone know what anyone else needs? I love him, and I want to take care of him."

"We're not talking about me right now. We're talking about your relationship with Rodney, your fears about his strengths and your own weaknesses. How do you know you can give him what he needs? Maybe you're just holding him back."

John closed his eyes again. "I…no. I try…I know how important his work is. I..."

"Convince me," she said sternly. "Convince me that this is good for him and for you."

Sucking in a breath, he shook his head. "I... can't. I..."

"You can't? You're supposed to be his top, his master. If you can't explain it to me, convince me, then why are you doing it?"

"He's more relaxed than he's ever been in his life. He finally has an outlet where he can shut off his brain for a little while and just let himself go. He's happy, possibly for the first time in his life. Isn't that enough?"

"No. It's not enough. To me that sounds like he's happy because he gets regular sex and a back massage."

"Fuck you." He glared again. "You more than anyone know that's not true. The sex is great, yes, but we both know sex is just sex. He could get that from anywhere, and he has before we got together, and all it did was hurt him in the long run."

"Maybe. I don't know if it's true. You're certainly not acting like any top I've known. Right now, from what you've said, you could be nothing more than a fuckbuddy to him." She just wouldn't stop.

"What do you want me to tell you?" He shifted on his knees, but a sharp look kept him from rising once more. "He's mine, my partner, my sub. Mine to take care of and worship and love. I'm not walking away from him."

"I want you to convince me that this is good—for you and for him."

"You've been seeing him for longer than you've been seeing me. Has he ever been this relaxed, this focused? Have you ever seen him this healthy? I've talked to Carson and seen Rodney's records—half the medical problems he's suffered from his whole life have either gotten better or disappeared just from someone keeping an eye on him and helping him relax. He's too much of a good man, and a scientist, to ever settle for a fuckbuddy and you know it. If we didn't have each other, he wouldn't have this release and he would stroke out in a month."

"And you like the control." Her voice was quiet, knowing.

"Yes, god damn it! I'm his top, what do you think? I'm not going to be ashamed because I get aroused by my role in my relationship with my lover!"

"Are you ashamed?"

"No!"

Kate narrowed her eyes in doubt. "How does it make you feel, your relationship with Rodney, your control over Rodney?"

"It…I love him. More than I've ever... I wouldn't care if he said tomorrow he never wanted anything except plain vanilla sex. I just want him."

"It what? What were you going to say first?"

He shook his head, not meeting her eyes.

"No? That wasn't an optional question."

John gulped in a breath, but he still didn't…he couldn't...

Kate put the tone of command in her voice. "Answer me."

He started to shake. "I... Please..."

"If you can't answer me are you sure you deserve him?"

John made a soft, injured noise. "I don't deserve him."

"So you'll just give him up like that."

John choked back a small sob. "No…I... I can't..."

"If you can't tell me why you're doing this, how it makes you feel, how am I to believe that this is the best thing for Rodney?"

"I need him." John whispered it, feeling broken. "I…he gives me a reason to... to be here, to fight, to live."

"Is he your savior?"

"He gives me a reason... I... was reckless when I came here. Didn't care if I lived or died. Rodney... I want to live, be better, for him."

"Did he save you?"

John was shaking now, he couldn't stop it. "Yes. He... I didn't mean to... He doesn't need this, on top of all the other expectations. Doesn't need..."

"But what do you need?" Her voice was soft, almost like it was coming from inside his head. And he felt compelled to answer.

"I... I need... him. To... love me..."

"What else?"

"I... don't know. Everyone... I never thought about it. It's... all I could do was focus on saving everyone..."

"Right now we're just talking about you and Rodney. What do you need?"

"I don't know."

"Then how can you be in a relationship, especially one like this, if you don't know what you need?"

"It was always about Rodney, not me." He looked up, knowing he probably looked devastated and not caring, not right now. "I'm not trying to be difficult... please..."

"Except you are. You're running, just like you did before. How long will it be until you start running again, away from Rodney, from Atlantis?"

"Never. I don't..." He swallowed a few deep breaths. "I want to fight."

"Then what do you need? Tell me."

Closing his eyes, John let his head drop. "What I need and what I deserve are different things."

"Why should they be? If you're taking on all of this responsibility, shouldn't you deserve something extra? A little stress relief?" Her tone had turned teasing, cajoling. He could feel the hidden sexual reference.

He shook his head, his body still trembling. "No. I don't... I've hurt too many people, killed too many people. I deserve to be dead in their place."

"So what does that make Rodney? Some kind of pity prize?"

"No." John couldn't get his voice more than a whisper. "He's... I don't know why he's with me, but I... he's my absolution."

"Why?"

"If… if I can... protect him, help him, love him... maybe that will... atone for all the people I couldn't... I don't deserve the chance, but he's given it to me, loves me despite everything I've done..."

"Do you protect him? Love him? Help him?"

"Yes." John looked up, begging her silently to understand, to stop pushing him.

"Are you still trying to fix what went wrong when you were young, trying to control and protect the things you care about?"

"It was my fault. If I can just..."

"What was your fault?"

"Everything. My mother, my grandmother, my father. I'm the only constant."

"Did you kill your grandmother?"

"If I was better, if I had been there, she might still be..." He knew it was irrational, but he had no defenses, no filters right now. Kate had systematically broken them all down and left him exposed, open.

"I looked up her information. Do you know how she died?"

"My father told me..."

"How did she die? What did he tell you?"

He closed his eyes again, pain washing over him. "She was trying to learn something new to teach me next time I visited her, and she died in the process."

"No."

His eyes snapped open. "What do you mean? That's how she d...died. She knew I was into extreme sports, had taught me what I knew, but when she tried to learn something else to hold my attention, distract me from the rest of the world..."

"I looked up her files, her obituary. She died when your father said she had, but not the way he said."

John's chest constricted. He could barely get out a whisper. "She died because of me. Because I... wasn't normal, wasn't good enough."

"She died on the way home from the grocery store. An accident. She was like clockwork when she did her shopping, wasn't she? It was a typical day for her. A few errands and then she'd go home and cook. That day, she never made it home." Kate's voice was quiet.

"No..."

"I have the article if you'd like to read it."

He silently shook his head, staring at the floor. He felt numb, didn't know what to think.

"It was unfortunate, but you had nothing to do with it."

"Why did he... why did he tell me..."

"Because he needed someone to blame, maybe."

"Why me? He didn't even like her. She was just a place he sent me for a few months every year..."

"Maybe because she reminded him of his own failings, his own weaknesses. You were happy there, and you weren't at home."

"But..." John was overwhelmed. He tried to stop the trembling, but couldn't. "I..."

"It wasn't your fault."

"If I had been there..."

"Then you would have died, too."

"No..." He moaned, chocking back emotions threatening to break free of his control. He didn't know what to think, what to feel. He wished Rodney was there to hold him, but he also knew his lover didn't need this, didn't need to see him like this. John had to get it together, for him.

There was s shuffle of paper and then Kate spoke again, her voice calm and even, taking on the cadence of reading. "Reports from the accident investigation were conclusive. The victim would not have been able to avoid the oncoming vehicle which totaled her car and killed her on impact due to the force of the blow. The driver of the out-of-control vehicle suffered minor injuries and was arrested. A pending trial will determine his fate, but sources from within the police department have reported he was under the influence of alcohol."

A small sob slipped out, before John could stop it.

"Had you been there, John, you would have been dead. You would have missed out on Atlantis, on Rodney."

"What ha…happened to him? The other driver?"

"Convicted of manslaughter and driving under the influence."

"How old was he?"

"Thirty-two. Old enough to know better."

John sagged into the floor. "I…don't know what to say. I..."

"Do you still think it was your fault?"

"I... logically no, but I…I've spent my whole life believing... It's hard to just…to shut that off."

"I know," her voice was soft, full of understanding. "Why your father told you what he did probably has more to do with him than with you. I know you have your own issues with self-worth and what you think you deserve—or don't deserve—and a lot of it has its ties in your formative years. You were alone, on your own. The people you loved were taken from you. But now, things have changed. You have friends, a successful relationship with someone you love. That, in turn, has activated your own protective instincts. You want to save them, protect them, so you don't get hurt again. It's natural to want to do that. But you also have to make sure that this is something that is good for both of you. If you can't tell me why it is, then why are you doing it? It has to be something so engrained, your conviction so strong because things—situations, people, whatever it might be—will tug at those bonds, make you doubt yourself, your relationship, your sanity. That conviction, those reasons, have to shine through."

"How do you explain love?" He looked up, begging her to see he wasn't trying to be difficult. He really wanted an answer. "How do you quantify why you love someone, why you'll give anything—even your own life if it was asked of you—to keep them safe? I need him, I need to know he'll always be there, always love me, no matter what decisions I'm forced to make. Otherwise I can't…I don't know if I can do this."

"Doesn't it all boil down to trust?"

"I trust him. Completely. With my heart, my life, my career. If he asked me to walk away tomorrow, leave Atlantis, I would."

"Do you think that works both ways?"

"Yes." That, at least, he could say without hesitation. "If he didn't, he would never let go. He trusts me to protect him, take care of him."

"And he lets go?"

John nodded, thinking back to yesterday. "To the point where he isn't even aware of anything but me and what I'm doing with him."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Afraid. Privileged. Lucky. Loved."

The corner of Kate's mouth rose for a brief moment. "Do you think Rodney deserves to be loved and to love in return?"

He nodded again. "Yes, absolutely. I'm just lucky he lets me, that the bastards who came before me didn't make it impossible for him to accept my love."

"Do you think that he deserves someone who is strong, someone who is convinced that this is the best and only way for him to live? Do you think he deserves someone to feel the same way he does?"

"Yes."

"Do you feel the same way he does? Do you deserve to be loved by him and loved in return? Are you convinced that this is the best way and only way for you to live?"

"I..." He took a deep breath. "I still don't know if I deserve it, but I do know I can't do it without him anymore. He's a part of me, and as corny as it sounds—I'm not whole without him anymore."

"John, if you don't think you deserve his love, do you think he can tell? Do you think that it may effect how he is?"

He sucked in a breath, pain making him curl in on himself a little. He had thought the worst was over, but Kate apparently had other ideas. She had managed to shove him into enough headspace that he had no choice but to answer. "I…don't know. I want to, but I... I don't know how to just let myself be..."

"Let Rodney help you. Let his love, freely given, convince you that you deserve it and more. But don't cheapen his love, his submission, by doubting yourself. Your doubts are his doubts. If you aren't deserving of his love, why should he give it to you? You said he's deserving of love and giving love. Let him."

John let another soft moan escape. "I…I'll try."

This time Kate's lips did twitch. "There is no try. Do, or do not do."

Despite the turmoil his thoughts and emotions were in, John huffed, lips twitching. "Yes, master Yoda."

Kate touched his arm, offering a smile. "You're doing really well, John. I know you probably don't think so, but you are. Once you can get your personal life settled, I think fixing the professional will be simple. It may fix itself."

He leaned into her hand, finding himself craving the physical reassurance. "I'm a lot more fucked up than I thought, huh?"

"Less than most."

He huffed again, closing his eyes. He was grateful that she didn't move away. He felt a lot more fragile than he wanted to admit out loud, although he knew she knew it.

"I think I may have wrung the stuffing out of you today," she said a few moments later, her voice light.

He cracked an eye, dredging up a small smile. "I think I'm lucky you don't do this every session. I probably wouldn't survive the treatment."

"You are a lot stronger than you think, John," she said. "Why don't you take the rest of the day off? Let some of this settle out in your own head. I dropped a lot on you this morning. I'm guessing a nap might be high on your priorities right now."

"Yeah. I'm…pretty wrung out. No offense, but if you having me on my knees is always going to leave me feeling like this, I don't think I want to sub for you very often."

"You're not my type, John, and honestly, you're less of a sub than you think. You may switch a little, but it's certainly not much and I think it's decreasing each and every day."

He laughed softly. "I've always been more of a top than a sub, yes. But I have enough of it in me to make it... useful... for situations like this. It's the only way I can work through some of this, in all honesty. I'm not sure I could let go enough to do this if you... didn't have that advantage."

"And I doubt I'll be able to do this for much longer," she said honestly. "You've…changed and it's for the better."

He looked up at her through his eyelashes, grinning a little. "I'm too stubborn to make a good sub, eh? I think I might be crushed."

"No, you're not. Go get something to eat and crash for the rest of the day. I'll let Doctor Weir know you're off radio."

"Yes, ma'am." He slowly pushed himself up. He felt like he had just run a full marathon at a sprinter's pace.

"Get something with some protein. And don't ignore my request. I'll check in on you to make sure you listened."

He shot her a guilty grin. "I don't think I'm up for walking to the mess, so I'll see what's in the apartment. If there's nothing there, I'll call Rodney or Carson and have them bring something by for me later."

"Go to the mess, John," Kate's voice was firm, commanding. "Now, not later."

Making a face, he finally nodded. "Fine. But if I never actually make it back to my room to rest, just remember I was going to do that first."

"You'll make it. Like I said, I'll be checking up on you."

He shot off a salute before taking a breath. "Same time tomorrow?"

She nodded, offering a smile. "Of course."

With another deep breath, he wandered out. He hesitated briefly before selecting the mess as his destination. He didn't want to have to face Kate again later for disobeying. Fortunately there weren't many people around this late in the morning, so he was able to grab a tray and find a solitary seat in the corner.

Surprisingly, no one bothered him, leaving him to eat in peace, the session with Kate still rolling through his head. She was right. He was going to need the day for most of it to compress and decompress and settle into his brain.

When he was done with his meal, he got up, not really surprised that while he felt better, he was still a little shaky. It had been a lot to take in. He wandered back to their suite and went straight to bed. He kicked off his shoes, then curled up, letting his breathing deepen as he forced himself to relax.

Sleep came easily, much to his surprise. He slid into slumber even though his mind was still spinning. He woke slowly, pleasure spiraling through his body. His cock was encased in a familiar wet warmth, the pressure perfect.

With a strangled cry, John thrust up, his body singing. How long had Rodney managed to work him over without waking him up?

Rodney took the thrust in stride, continuing to suck, his skin warm where it touched John's legs. It took a moment for the sensations to connect in his mind, to realize his lover was naked.

John moaned, and, combined with the intense session from earlier, he had no defense. He came, hard, his whole body tingling with it. "Mmmmmm."

Rodney licked him clean before settling against his legs like he had last night, exactly in the position he'd been in when they'd woken up this morning.

When he had motor control again, John threaded his fingers through Rodney's hair. "Hi there. That's a fantastic way to wake up from a nap."

"Mmm, good," Rodney replied, the words nearly obscured by the blankets covering his lover.

"How'd you know I was here?"

He shifted, breath ghosting over John's cock as he spoke. "Came to change the bed, clean up a little."

John's body, which had probably been a little tense even while he slept, relaxed completely. "Had a really rough session with Kate. She told me to come back and rest for the day."

"Wish I could stay."

"Me, too." John used his thumb to caress Rodney's face. "But this was nice, too."

"Good," Rodney said and John could feel his lover's smile.

John was quiet for a moment, hesitating. But if he couldn't talk to Rodney... "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." The "are you an idiot" tone made John smile.

"Kate... thinks a big part of my issues come from the fact that I don't think I deserve... love. She's worried that I'm hurting you, or forcing you into something because you're trying to compensate for that. I don't want you to feel obligated to sub. I know you enjoy it as much as I do, but I'm not... forcing you into anything you don't want, am I?"

John could feel his lover moving and the blankets erupted a moment later, revealing a very naked Rodney with a confused expression on his face. "What do you mean you don't deserve love?"

John shrugged, feeling a little embarrassed. "I count myself as really, really lucky that I have you. I... had a rough childhood. You know some of it, but I... have a hard time talking about most of it. Even Kate only gets it in bits and pieces, when she manages to goad me into admitting things. I... was made to believe that most of it was my fault. That I needed to... atone for... being alive. And I've had to make some hard decisions, I've had to kill." He sighed, picking at a spot on the bedspread, almost afraid of what his lover's reaction would be.

Rodney was quiet for a moment, his voice soft when he finally spoke again. "Are you trying to tell me that you want to…stop this because you think you're going to do something to me? Or that I'm just a way to atone for something you think you did wrong?"

"No!" John's eyes snapped up. "Never. I…can't lose you. You've... I don't think I can do this without you anymore. I just... wanted to make sure it's what you want, too. I love you so much it's scary sometimes. I never want to hurt you, even by accident."

His lover fell into silence again, an expression of concentration on his face. "I know I’m not the poster child for relationships," Rodney started slowly, his eyes on the bed next to John's hip. "I’m probably anything but." He chuckled humorlessly. "I've never trusted anyone as much as I trust you—to do what's right for me, for you, for us. If you can't do that…I understand. If I can't love you…If you won't let me…" He broke off. Damn. Kate was right.

John sat up, pulling Rodney into his arms. He knew he was shaking a little. "Rodney, Rodney... I love you, god, I love you. I don't... I trust you. You're the first person I've ever trusted this much, that I've ever let get this close. I... I need your love."

Rodney melted into John, his body strong and solid and warm.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset," John whispered. "It's... harder for me to accept love than it is to give it. But from you, I will. Always."

"I just want you to be happy."

"You make me happy." John nuzzled into the side of Rodney's neck.

"You deserve so much," Rodney whispered. "I just wish I could give it all to you."

John made a soft, broken noise. It was hard to accept that anyone thought he was worthy of anything. But he wanted to, he wanted give Rodney the same joy he got, from knowing his love was accepted as well as returned. "It's hard. I've... got a lot of... for things I'm discovering I was lied to about, and others I wasn't." He took a deep breath. "Thank you. For loving me, despite it all."

"Nothing to thank me for," Rodney said, his tone turning matter of fact. "And I won't lie to you."

John laughed, knowing it was probably a little wild, but it was okay. "I know. I won't lie to you either. That's why I…needed to tell you. What we talked about today. It was pretty hard. I... Kate found an article about my Grandmother. I was... told, by my father, that I was the reason she died. But apparently he lied to me."

Rodney stiffened in his arms. "Why did he do that?"

"I don't know. She was..." John swallowed. Even after all these years he still missed her. "I guess a drunk driver hit her head-on, and she was killed instantly. He told me... something else. I've... carried that guilt for a long time. It's a little hard to accept that I was lied to."

"John…" The word was soft, broken. His lover hugged him tighter.

John sighed, melting a little further into Rodney's embrace. "I'm a little lost right now," he admitted softly.

"I wish I could stay."

"I know. But you have things you need to do today. I've been ordered to take it easy, and I had some lunch before I came back. I'll probably just watch a movie and try to relax for a little while. Will you be able to get off for dinner?"

"Yes. Mission leaves at 0800, so I want the downtime before we leave."

John sighed again. "Is it selfish of me to wish you didn't have to go tomorrow? I know you have to, but..."

"It's not selfish. I wish you were going. Lorne's good, he's just not you."

"Soon. Kate seems to think we're making progress. She believes if I can work out all these personal issues, the professional ones will either resolve themselves or cease to be issues at all. Apparently, my father seriously fucked me up, and it's amazing I'm able to function at all."

Rodney snorted. "Parents will do that."

"Yeah, but somehow I don't think most of them do their damnedest to create the perfect clone, and tell their kid he killed the only person who really loved him for himself to try and bring them in line." John inhaled Rodney's clean scent, letting it relax him. "But hey, that I can talk about it at all is progress."

"You'd be surprised," Rodney said with a quiet sigh, shifting against John, nibbling on the skin over his collarbone.

John tilted his head a bit, giving Rodney more access. "Tonight when you get done with work, I want you to fuck me. I want to feel it while you're gone, since I can't fuck you before a mission."

Rodney paused mid-nip, but quickly tried to keep moving as if it hadn't happened. "Yes, John."

John closed his eyes, letting himself enjoy the moment for a little longer. "Maybe I'll tie you down and ride you."

"I'd like that better."

"Okay. We'll do it that way then." John's body thrummed pleasantly from the anticipation. "How's your ass feeling?"

"Better."

"Rodney?"

"It's still sore, but it's better than it was and I really miss you fucking me," he said quietly, whispered into John's shoulder.

John chuckled softly. "Okay. When you get back from the next mission, we'll have a celebratory fuck-you-through-the-mattress."

"Good. Want another blow-job before I leave?"

John turned his head so his lover could see his smile. "Maybe."

"Maybe?"

Wanting to tease and be teased, needing to lighten both their moods, John nodded. "Maybe."

"What do you mean, maybe? Blow-job. Yes or no. Check one."

Laughing, John pushed his nose into Rodney's neck, grinning up through his eyelashes. "Check yes or no? And you call me twelve. What if I check maybe?"

"That wasn't an option."

"I'm not going to check no. But what else are you gonna do for me? Maybe play with my nipples? Make me squirm and gasp and deify you? Remember, this has to last me all day, here by myself, in this big empty room."

"Or maybe I take back my offer if it's going to be this much trouble," Rodney said shifting up onto his hands, looking down on John.

John wiggled his hips, aware that with his cock pulled through his boxers and otherwise being fully dressed, it was more than a little obscene. "If you did that, you wouldn't be able to go back to work tasting me in the back of your throat. You've been getting training from Ronon and Teyla—let's see how you're doing." He grinned and wiggled his hips again.

"Oh, but I already tasted you. I already got my afternoon fix."

"Consider the mental image then. Can you go back to work knowing you left me here all hard and aching. Look at that poor dick. I think it's neglected."

Rodney glanced down, looking at where their cocks lined up next to each other. "Actually, yes, yes I could."

It was almost impossible to pout and grin at the same time, but John gave it a shot anyway.

"You do it to me all the time," Rodney said, pressing his hips down, grinding into John.

With a gasp, John thrust up, but his lover didn't really give him much in the way of friction opportunities. "Your point?"

"Turnabout is fair play and all."

"You gonna put a ring on me so I stay hard for you? Or are you going to risk that I'll jerk myself off as soon as you turn around. I'm not very obedient."

"No risk. That's the beauty of the relationship. You can do that if you want and I won't even be jealous," Rodney said, leaning down again, capturing John's mouth in a kiss.

John panted into it, pressing his chest up against Rodney's. He batted his eyes as soon as they broke for air. "Maybe. But wouldn't it be more satisfying to hold me down and suck on me until I come screaming your name?"

"No."

"No? So what would be satisfying?"

"Having you tie me down so I can't move, can barely breathe and then fucking me hard without letting me come, making me beg and plead for completion and then plugging me, keeping your come inside me. Then you would keep me tied to your bed all day, taking me, claiming me whenever the mood struck you. You'd keep me like that, ready for you, loving me, protecting me, claiming me."

John moaned, arching up again. "Well, I can't deny that would be incredibly satisfying, but we don't really have that option right now."

"We should make time," Rodney whispered, grinding down. "It would be so good, so hot."

John nodded, fisting the sheets above his head. "We should try to get some leave soon. Go back to Earth where there will be no worries about interruptions and we could do that for a whole weekend."

"A week."

"Even better." John thrust up against Rodney's body. "I'd cook for you, feed you. Take you out on a leash and claim you as my own."

"Go to that club again, but this time you'd fuck me there, do all kinds of things to me there." Rodney was panting hard, sweat beading along his hairline. He was rock hard against John's thigh.

"Oh, yeah." John could picture it. "We'd set off another orgy. I'd make you come and come and come, and then I'd fuck you again, just to hear the sexy noises you make. And then we'd wake up and do it all again."

"When we were done, I'd be so sore but it would feel so good. I'd have your claim on me. Everyone would know.

John moaned, bucking up. "God, that would be so fucking hot. To have everyone watching us, hard and leaking because we're so fucking good together."

Rodney shuddered, breathing into John's shoulder, biting down slightly as he moaned, grinding his hips down as John rose to meet him.

John's whole body zinged with pleasure as Rodney marked him. He shivered hard, reaching up to wrap his arms around his lover, wanting more. Rodney didn't get physical very often, but god when he did it drove John out of his mind with want.

When Rodney finished, John was trembling, desperately needy and Rodney was panting, sliding his hands under John's back. He rolled them easily, settling John between his legs and arching up into him.

John was reduced to chanting his lover's name over and over, grinding down against him so their cocks were thrusting together.

"Fuck me, please," Rodney begged, voice broken.

"I can't... you have to go out tomorrow." John thrust again, a little helplessly. "I want to, god I want to..."

"Please, I need it, please…"

John moaned. "No lube, and I'm still dressed..."

"Nightstand. Please, John, I need to feel you inside. It's been so long."

John's defenses were still down from Kate, so he couldn't resist the need in Rodney's voice. He climbed over, fumbling for the tube of lube, and then shoving at his pants, trying to get them, at least, off.

Rodney had flipped over onto his stomach in the meantime, pushing his ass up into the air and spreading his legs wide. His hands, though…oh god…his hands were on his ass cheeks, holding himself open for John even as he panted and moaned into the bed.

"Oh god... Rodney... oh fuck..." Frustrated, John just ripped his pants off, throwing them off the bed and climbing up behind his lover. His hands were shaking a little as he coated two fingers with lube and pressed them slowly inside.

His lover groaned, but pressed back into his fingers, making them slide in deeper, much faster than John anticipated.

"Oh god, Rodney..." John closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. "Don't let me hurt you."

"Please, John…"

"I will, I'll be inside you, but don't let me hurt you in the process."

"Want to feel you, please."

"You will. I promise." John forced himself to slow down, to shove his own need aside. He was careful, stretching Rodney, making sure the other man really was healed enough to take him.

Rodney was moaning and begging, pleading with John to claim him, fill him, already lost within his own need.

John worked a third finger in along the first two, his cock aching to be inside that tight passage, to be held and caressed by it. He had to give himself a vicious squeeze to keep himself in check.

Rodney was stretching easily for John, his fingers moving easily only after a few seconds.

Panting, he pulled them free and slicked himself up. "Don't let me hurt you, please don't let me hurt you but oh god I need to be inside you now..."

"Take me, please," Rodney begged, broken, shifting on his knees as he tried to open himself up further for John.

John nudged his cock against Rodney's entrance, and then he was sliding home. "Oh, oh Rodney..."

His lover groaned long and loud, his mouth pressed into the bed and he panted—pleasure and pain and desire and arousal on his face.

When John was completely sheathed in Rodney's body, he paused, gulping in air to try and stay in control.

"So good…oh god, John, so good, so full. Please fuck me, fuck me hard, claim me, plug me, make me yours, please…"

He couldn't say no, couldn't deny Rodney anything. So he started to move, to fuck his beautiful lover. "Oh god, not going to last, please tell me you're close..."

"Take me, fuck me, please."

"Rodney, Rodney..." John's thrusts were getting more erratic. He did give the cock ring a mental flick, making it loosen slightly. "Come, come, please come..."

His lover just clenched down on him instead, tightening the muscles in his ass, bearing down on John.

John cried out, unable to hold back anymore. He poured himself into Rodney with a few more hard thrusts.

With the last thrust Rodney collapsed onto the bed, panting hard, his arms splayed out on the bed alongside him. "So good, so good, so good…" was his constant refrain.

"Did y'come?" John had collapsed on top of the other man, and he wasn't ready to move yet.

Rodney shook his head, his words finally trailing off as his heart slowed, as he slowed.

"Can y'come now? Want to feel it before I pull out."

"I’m okay," Rodney whispered.

John huffed into Rodney's shoulder. "Want to stay hard all day, don't you? 'Member when we first got together? You didn't think you'd like it." It was a good memory.

"Sometimes I want to stay tied to your bed, too. All day, all night, for days on end," Rodney said quietly.

"We'll do that. I'll let you up to pee and shower, and nothing else."

"Catheter and sponge baths."

"Sponge baths I could do, but we're not using catheters in the bedroom." John chuckled. "Besides, it's more fun to chain you and leash you, maybe put a little leash on your dick and lead you around by it."

Rodney moaned, shifting a little, purring when he squeezed his ass muscles and felt John still deep inside of him.

John's body jerked as the over-sensitive flesh was stimulated. Then he sighed and slowly sat up, pulling free. "But that will be our next leave. For now, you need to head back to the labs, I know."

His lover immediately shifted, angling his ass up again. "Plug?"

"Rodney... you have a mission tomorrow..." He trailed a finger over the pert cheeks.

"Please."

John still hadn't gotten around to getting his defenses back in place. So he gave in and got the small plug, the smallest they had. Using a little lube, he slowly pushed it into place.

"It's too loose," Rodney complained.

"That's all you're getting—take it or leave it. It's only because I'm a sucker for you naked and begging that you're getting one at all today."

"Your come is going to leak out."

"The bulk of it will stay in. I can pull it out completely if you want."

"No," Rodney whined, wiggling his ass. "Can I please have a bigger plug, sir?"

John gave the ass in question a quick smack. "No. I've already broken like three or four of my own rules. I'm still the top here, indulgent though I may be. Up and at 'em, buddy. You have a lab to go run."

"I can't run it with come leaking out of my ass."

"Then I guess I need to just pull out the plug and clean all the come away."

Rodney whimpered, his ass angling back toward John again.

John let one hand rest against it. "No, Rodney. I'm not going to risk compromising you any more than I already have. Not to mention, you were still sore—don't think I missed the wince that wasn't pleasure when I first pushed in."

He whimpered again, but didn't argue.

With a final pat to the pretty, pretty ass of his lover, John slid off the bed. "Come on. Let's get you presentable so you can go back to work. The sooner you get that done, the sooner you can come home and we can have more sex."

Rodney hesitated a moment before crawling across the bed to John, stopping just at the edge. He angled his head up, his blue eyes wide. "Please."

John felt his resolve crumbling, but he held on. "Don't ask me again."

"Your cock is bigger than the plug," he whined, "and you put that inside me."

"I put it inside you briefly, not for the whole afternoon." John sighed. "I'm not going to risk your life tomorrow for a little bit of play today. You got fucked, and you got a small plug, both of which are more than I had planned on giving you today."

"Your come is going to leak. I can't work like this."

"Fine. Bend over." John narrowed his eyes.

"John..."

"Bend over. If you can't work like this, it's coming out."

"I don't want—"

"Too late. I told you not to ask again, and you did. Bend over, Rodney."

"John, no, please, no…"

John kept his eyes narrowed as he looked at his lover. "If I hear another word of complaint about it, it's coming out. Period."

"But John—"

"And that was your one extra chance. Turn around and bend over."

Rodney whimpered, his eyes widening. "But I want—"

"Too bad. You had your chance, but you decided to try and push for more. Stand up. Turn around. Now."

"I'll figure something out. Let me get dressed."

"Now."

"John, please…"

He narrowed his eyes. "Who do you belong to?"

A whimper stuck in his throat and Rodney had to swallow twice—visibly—in order to answer. "To you, sir. To John Sheppard."

"Very good. Yes, you belong to me. So why aren't you standing up bent over the bed?"

"Because I want—"

"Wrong answer. If you do not do as you are told, you're going to be punished more than just not being allowed to wear the plug. You'll lose the privilege to wear one at all for the next month. This is your last warning. Stand up and bend over."

"John! No, John, please, no…"

"One."

Rodney was trembling, shaking his head, stubbornness on his face. He'd shifted a little on the bed, but had yet to make any move to get off the bed and into position.

"Two."

"I just want to feel you inside, know you're there, I don't want your come to leak out of me, that's all I want, John , please…"

"Three. You've now lost a month. You'll lose another month for every minute you continue to disobey."

Rodney looked devastated and John wanted to take it back, but he couldn't. It wouldn't be good for either of them.

He hated having to do this, but he knew his lover needed him to be firm. "You're losing time."

"I just wanted to keep your claim inside me."

"I know you do. And that's okay. But arguing with me and disobeying me aren't. Do as you're told, Rodney, or you're going to lose another month." John kept his voice gentle, but with enough steel that his lover would know he wasn't joking.

"I just wanted you," Rodney whispered as the clock clicked over to a new minute.

John sighed. "I know. But now you've lost the right to wear a plug for two months, and I know how much you like them. I don't like punishing you, Rodney, any more than you like being punished." He reached out to cup his lover's face. "Stop fighting me before I'm forced to take away another month."

Rodney shifted away from John's touch, his head dropping down as he silently turned on the bed, kneeling on the edge, offering his ass to John.

"Good boy." John pulled the plug free, and then kissed each cheek. "I'm sorry. I don't like having to do that. I know you just wanted to feel me inside you. Wanting that isn't why I had to do this. Not obeying, even when you were told what would happen, however, is not allowed. You know that."

"Yes, John." The words were quiet, almost perfunctory.

God, this was the last thing he had needed today. Especially after yesterday. John sighed again, and stepped back. "If you don't want me to touch you, you can clean yourself. Either option won't get you in trouble."

"Whatever you want, sir."

"If I got what I wanted, I wouldn't have to punish you, and you wouldn't be pissed at me for it. Instead, we'd both have left this feeling relaxed and happy and anticipating the time to just be together later tonight." John padded into the bathroom to get a damp washcloth.

Rodney was silent and still in the same position when John returned.

Coming back over, John started to carefully clean his lover. He was on his knees, and once most of it was wiped away from the outside, he laid his head against Rodney's body, cheek to cheek, so to speak.

His lover let out a shaky breath, his body trembling with it, but was otherwise silent.

"I love you," John whispered softly. He pressed his lips against his lover.

"Love you," Rodney replied just as quietly nearly a minute later.

John stayed there for a moment, just needing the connection. Finally, he stood up. Wordlessly, he took Rodney's hand, tugging him up and into the bathroom, where he let Rodney take care of business, getting the rest of the come out of him. He then finished cleaning and dressing him.

"Can I go, sir?"

John nodded. "Yeah. I... I'll see you for dinner, still, right?"

"Yes, sir."

With another sigh, John waved his hand. "I'll see you later then. I'm sorry—I hope... I hope you have a good rest of the day, okay?"

Rodney's reply was quiet, his eyes lowered. "It's my own fault, sir. I know better."

John reached out, cupping Rodney's face again. "It doesn't mean I have to like it. I'll enforce it, but I won't like it. I enjoy making you feel good, giving you things you like. I hate having to take that away."

He angled Rodney's head up so he could see his eyes, wanting to know what was going on beyond the words he heard. Much to his surprise, Rodney's eyes were slightly unfocused—the look he got in subspace and submission. Instead of the anger he expected, Rodney was submitting.

John stepped closer, kissing the other man gently. "Go get done what you need to. I'll be here when you get home. I'll feed you dinner, and then I'm going to tie you down and ride you until we're both aching with it."

"Yes, John," he said simply, waiting until John dropped his hand before he stepped away, slowly heading to the living room and back out into Atlantis' corridors.

John took a deep breath. He knew he couldn't work without getting caught, but the whole thing had left him too keyed up to just lie down. He stared at the bondage hook in the ceiling for a few minutes before he smiled.

He stripped the rest of the way down, and pulled on a pair of well-worn sweat pants before attaching the suspension bar to its weight-tested hook. John cranked up the music on their iPod-driven surround-sound audio system, and went to work. He alternated between pull-ups at the bar, sit-ups, and he pulled out a long length of their rope to jump to for cardio.

It didn't take long before he was drenched in sweat, everything except the pull of his body driven out of his head. It wasn't until Atlantis tickled the back of his thoughts that he realized someone had let themselves in, and was watching him.

"Ye don'na have to stop on my account."

Breathing hard, John got up and turned the music way down. "Sorry, didn't hear you come in. What's up?"

"I just went off duty and I figured I'd swing by. Kate said she was tough on you today. I wanted to make sure you were doin' okay," Carson said.

John ran a hand through his hair. He was drenched, but he did feel better. "Make yourself comfortable. Mind if I jump in the shower? I probably reek. I was at that for a while."

"I did'na mean to interrupt," he said.

"It won't take me long. Why don't you call Rodney home while I shower? I think we all deserve a good dinner."

"You don'na have to—"

"We all need to eat, Carson," John said, grabbing his radio off the dresser. He put it in his ear and tapped it on. "Sheppard to McKay."

His response came a few beats later. "Yes, Colonel?"

"Carson came over after his shift and wants to have dinner with us. You coming back soon?"

"I…ah…I thought I still had at least an hour until dinner," he said quietly.

"You do. Did. But he's here, and we're both hungry. I really don't want to eat without you."

Rodney voice tightened. "I can't leave, Colonel. Not yet."

John fought back the urge to sigh. He just wanted things to go easily one night. "We'll wait then. Hurry home."

"You can eat without me, Colonel. I'll just grab something from the mess."

The muscles in John's jaw tightened. Was it too much to ask that anything be easy? He had had a long day, and he wanted his lover. He wanted to give up a little control to his sub, let him play with his body, tease him and torment him and make him come. Was that really too much to ask? Instead he sighed. "We'll wait for you. See you in an hour. Sheppard out."

"I don't have to stay," Carson said quietly. "You both are tired and the last thing you need is me cluttering up your apartment."

"No, Carson," John said with a sigh, shaking his head. "I just really want to spend some quiet time with my lover and best friend. Why can't that be easy?"

"Why don't you take a shower. I'll go to the mess and grab some food for all of us. I'll be back before Rodney gets off shift. We can pick out a movie and relax."

John nodded. "It's been a long day. A really long fucking day." After the thing with Kate and the fight with Rodney, he just wanted to relax without having to work for it.

"You okay?"

"I’m just tired, really tired," John said after a few minutes. "But let's find a movie before you leave."

"Aye, we can do that," Carson said, heading to the cabinet where they kept all their movies. It took a while to pick one, John more picky than normal. Carson headed out to the mess about thirty minutes before Rodney was due back.

When he left, John headed into the bathroom, pulling off his dirty workout clothes and dropping them in the hamper. He turned the water on high and hot, easing himself inside, letting the water run down his tense muscles.

He heard someone moving around the apartment at some point later and he called out. Carson popped his head in the bathroom a few moments later. "You still in there?"

"Yeah, the water feels good."

"So take you're time. I'm going to put the food away," Carson said.

"Okay. Then come back when you're done. We can talk as I finish up."

There was a long pause. "Are you sure?"

John poked his head out of the shower. "Yeah. I can talk and shower at the same time."

"Aye, alright. I'll be right back."

Carson was back a few minutes later and John started actually cleaning up, washing his hair and going through his routine as they chatted about what had been happening in the infirmary over the past few days.

Just as John was finishing up, he heard Rodney come in, his voice a little surprised when he greeted Carson.

"Oh, hi," Rodney said. "I didn't think you were still here."

"Aye," Carson said. "John and I were just talkin'."

"I'm going to put this down," Rodney said as John turned off the water, reaching for the towel to sling around his hips. By the time John stepped out, Rodney was gone. Carson looked a little worried.

"I don'na think he was happy to see me."

"It's fine," John said, pulling another towel to quickly dry his hair and strip the water form his body. He pulled on a pair of boxers. "I'll be right back."

John moved quickly through the bedroom. "Rodney?"

"Here," he said, his voice drifting in from the second bedroom, their office. When John walked in Rodney was plugging in his laptop and adjusting a few of the cords. He looked exhausted, but offered a small smile when John stopped in the doorway.

"Hey. Good day?" John stepped closer, pulling Rodney into his arms. "Missed you."

"Long day that's not done yet," he said, giving John a hug in return before trying to step back.

John shifted, tugging him closer. "Carson brought dinner and we already picked out a movie."

"John…I…" Rodney took a breath. "I need to finish and I'm really tired."

John nuzzled Rodney's neck. "Come on. You need to relax and I need you."

"Please, John. I'm not trying to be difficult, but I have to finish this."

John whimpered. "I need you."

"I know, but I have a mission in the morning and I still have work to do and I'm just…"

"Can't it wait?"

"No, it can't. Just…enjoy your time with Carson."

"I want you." John sighed softly. Nope, never easy. He was almost forty. He shouldn't just want to curl up on the couch and cry.

"I came home because you asked me to, but I need to work. Maybe I should have just stayed in the labs."

"No," John said, shifting away. "I'll just tell Carson we'll visit another day and go to bed. Have fun with your equations."

Rodney sighed, taking a few steps back. "Do you think I'd rather work than sit and relax with you and Carson? Do you think I’m just making an excuse to hurt you? The last two days should tell you the exact opposite. I took off work because I needed the god damned downtime to breathe and because I wanted to spend time with you. I have responsibilities and a mission tomorrow and I'm already exhausted and I haven't left yet. All I want to do is eat a little something and sleep, but I have to work because if I don't do it, it won't get done and then the city might just blow up when I'm gone."

"I know." John resolutely kept the hurt locked inside. "Sorry."

"Just…" Rodney waved his hand. "Hang out with Carson. Eat. Watch television. Do whatever you want."

"No. I'll be sleeping when you come to bed. Try not to work too late."

"I won't. I can't."

John nodded, then turned to walk out. He knew Rodney had to work—he did. And he did his best to give his brilliant lover the space and time he needed to get it done, especially with this crazy mission schedule. But god damn it John was on the edge of a fucking nervous breakdown, and he just wanted to touch his lover, hold him. It wasn't fucking fair sometimes. He didn't blame Rodney—he couldn't, he knew what was at stake—but he was only human.

Carson was sitting on the edge of the bed when John walked back in. "I should go."

John started to shake, and just sank down to the floor where he was. This must be what losing your mind felt like. It kind of sucked.

Hands grabbed his shoulders, arms wrapping around him, holding him tightly as they rocked together.

Choking back a sob, John just closed his eyes, curling closer.

They stayed like that for a long time, before there were two sets of hands on him, moving him to the bed, stripping him and tucking him in. One naked body slid under the sheets, spooning in front, while another body—on top of the covers—spooned up behind him.

John couldn't stop shaking, and it was starting to scare him. He tried to curl in on himself as soon as he was in bed, tried to make it stop.

But there was a body in front of him, pressed against him.

John made a soft noise, burying his face against the person in front of him. "Make it stop."

"Relax, laddie. We're here." The words came from behind along with a gentle caress along his side.

He tried to obey, tried to force his muscles to let go. When he couldn't, he pushed back against the body behind him, even as he inhaled the clean scent of the one in front of him, letting the comfort they offered keep the panic at bay. "Hate this."

"I know. Just let Rodney take your weight. Relax into him."

With a tiny nod, John did, soaking up Rodney's warmth. "Sorry. Know you have to work. Didn't mean to do this," he whispered.

"He's fine," Carson replied, his voice not boding for any argument.

John nodded a little again. Slowly, with Rodney holding him and Carson petting his side, the shaking subsided, leaving John exhausted. He had ruined the night for everyone, and he felt really guilty. "Sorry," he whispered again, hearing the slight slur is his own voice.

"Sleep, John. I think Rodney already is. Nothing to be sorry about."

"Ruined your night." John tilted his head back, trying to see Carson.

"It's fine."

"Promise?"

"Yes," Carson said.

With a final sigh, the warmth and safety of the men in bed with him finally did their trick, and John stopped fighting. The last thing he knew before sleep claimed him was Carson's hand gently petting along his side, soothing his way.

When he woke again, the sun was shining brightly in the room and he was alone in the bed. The door to the main living area was closed and there was a set of clothes sitting folded on the end of the bed nearest the bathroom.

He groaned into the pillow. God, he had made a mess of things yesterday. And now, in all likelihood, he was late for his appointment with Kate and Rodney was probably already gone, and poor Carson... John wondered if he could just stay in bed all day. No one would probably notice.

His stomach, though, decided to rumble quite loudly.

Oh yeah, they had missed dinner. With another groan, he sat up and pulled on the uniform, wandering out in search of the leftover food.

He discovered Kate and Carson on his living room couch, sipping coffee and chatting quietly.

John froze, his eyes going wide. Maybe if he backed up quietly...

"John," Kate said as soon as she caught sight of him, smiling. "Sleep well?"

He nodded slowly, moving into the room. "Yeah. I was out like a light. Apparently breakdowns are exhausting. You?"

"Fine. Carson contacted me this morning before your appointment and explained what happened. I wasn't surprised, honestly. We went through a lot yesterday."

He licked his lips, eyes flicking to Carson and wondering how much he had told her. "Yeah. It was a... hard day. Mind if I grab something to eat?"

"Go ahead," Kate said, her eyes shifting to Carson as John headed into the kitchen. "Do you think you're up to talk a little more today?"

"Um, sure, I guess. I don't really want to spend another session on my knees though, if it's all right with you."

"Actually, since Carson's here, I'm wondering if we can talk a little about what happened last night."

John fumbled the plate he was putting breakfast on, but recovered before he dumped anything on the floor. A minute later, he sat across from them, curling his legs under his body in the big easy chair Rodney had scavenged from somewhere. "Ah…sure. What would you like to know that you don't already?"

"I'd like to hear about it from your perspective. I've discussed things with Carson—at least from his side—so I have a basic understanding of the situation. What happened, John?" Kate's voice was quiet.

He sighed, picking at his food. "Rodney and I... had a disagreement yesterday afternoon and I was forced to punish him. He... loves being the bottom. I usually won't allow us to do anything when there's a mission the next day, but after our thing in the morning, I was... needy. And I let him talk me into fucking him. After, he wanted to be plugged, and I caved again, but only used the smallest one we had. He tried to push for something bigger, but I finally put my foot down, and when he kept pushing, I had to rescind his right to wear them at all. We got up to two months before he finally submitted."

"It's your right to decide what's best," Kate said with a nod. "You weren't planning on fucking him yesterday?"

John shook his head. "No. I'm always careful, but we never know what we'll encounter when we go through the Gate. My standing policy is that we don't fool around before a mission, so we'll both be in top form. That's already been... harder... with me restricted to base and him still going out. And my defenses were already down yesterday... He always tries, but I'm usually strong enough to say no. Anyway, I thought we were okay when he left, but I was too keyed up to rest anymore, so I tried exercising, pushing myself enough so I didn't have to think for a while. And when Carson came over... I thought just relaxing with him and Rodney would be good. And I wanted Rodney to touch me, hold me. But Rodney wasn't home, and I wanted to wait for him. And then Rodney came home and we managed to start fighting again, and then I was losing my mind. And that's about it."

Kate nodded, glancing at Carson before turning back to John. "Why were you and Rodney fighting? Was it because of the earlier punishment?"

He shook his head. "No. Well, I don't think so. He had to work, had things he needed to finish before he went out today. I know he has to do his job, and I work hard not to interfere with that, but..."

"But his job was interfering with what you wanted."

John nodded. "I was being selfish. I know."

"No, John," she said firmly, shaking her head. "There's nothing selfish about it. There is a time and place for each piece of your relationship—including work and play. When one crowds out the other—in either direction—it's not good."

"It was selfish. I…like being touched. The pria...it's not like that, not overpowering, but ever since then, I've... liked it. And yesterday I wanted it, wanted it more than anything else but he came home and he had to work and he…I should have known Rodney would be busy." He refused to look up. He still wanted it, if he was honest with himself.

"He was pissed at you for the punishment?"

"No. I don't know." John sighed. "Before he left, earlier, after the first fight, we had talked. And he had agreed that he would be home and that we would just be together before he had to leave on the mission today. So I thought we were fine. But then he brought home work and was pissed off at me. I just wanted it to be easy. And it wasn't."

"John?" Carson said quietly, trying to get his attention.

John didn't look up, was afraid to. Afraid of what he would do—he was painfully aware that everything was still too close to the surface.

"Rodney wasn't angry with you."

"Yes, he was. He didn't even want me to touch him."

"I talked to him this morning, when he got up at five-thirty so he could finish the work he'd brought home before he went on his mission."

Guilt swamped him. Not only had he fucking broken, he'd made a scene and made Rodney's life more difficult, forcing him to get up early to finish what he needed to get done. John closed his eyes.

"Carson, we'd talked about not bringing this up now." Kate's voice was disapproving.

"I know, but John needs to know that Rodney wasn't angry at him. He was upset last night when John…" Carson broke off. "He thought it was his fault because he'd told John no, that they'd fought. He was better this morning, but he had to finish the work he'd brought home."

John curled a little more into himself on the chair. He was beginning to wonder if he could do anything right, even something he thought was as close to perfect as it could get. He absolutely hated that he was this delicate, that the defenses he's spent a lifetime building were crumbling around him, the ground washing out from under his feet. He was crashing and burning, and he was beginning to wonder if the parachutes had holes in them.

"John?" Kate's voice was close, quiet. "What are you thinking about?"

He shook his head, pulling his limbs in a little tighter. If he spoke, he was going to lose it again. If he could just find something to ground himself, just for a minute...

A hand settled on his arm, warming the skin. "Tell me, please."

John gulped in a breath of air, fighting the emotional upheaval. "Losing battle."

"What is?"

"My sanity. My self. Feel like I'm losing it."

"What do you think you need to do to stop it from happening?"

"I don't know. I..." He focused on his breathing, counting each one. "What the hell is wrong with me? I've never lost control like this."

"I'll have to take the blame for this, I think," Kate said quietly, her voice amused. "I've been working at breaking down your walls for weeks now. I think I might have gotten through."

He chuckled, aware it sounded more than a little hysterical. "I feel like I'm in a tailspin with the ground coming at me fast and the eject button jamming."

"So what would you do to fix that normally?"

He licked his lips, finally cracking one eye to see the two very concerned faces not far from his own. "If it got to that point, crash and burn."

"Would it solve anything?" Kate asked seriously.

"I'd be dead." John took another few deep breaths. "I need to find a way to pull up. I need a shepherd." He didn't know if they would know the term, but it seemed apt.

Kate was quiet for a moment, but before she could answer, Carson sat up and tapped his radio, listening intently.

"I'll be right there, have Biro start setting up. Beckett out." Carson looked at both of them as he rose, his face carefully closed off. "I have to go. We have a team coming in with a medical emergency."

John's heart stopped. "Rodney?"

Carson shrugged. "There's three teams out including his. I don't know anything else, but I have ta go."

"But if it's—"

"John, I don'na know anything yet. As soon as I do I'll let you know," he said moving to the door.

"Keep me posted?" John swallowed hard, knowing there was nothing else he could do.

"I will if I can," he nodded as he rushed out the door at a run.

John looked over at Kate, who still had one hand on his arm. "So what now? I can't keep going like this. I... Not only can I not do my job, I'm going to become a danger, especially with my relationships with Rodney."

"You want my advice as a friend, a top, or as a shrink?"

"All three." He smiled faintly.

"As a friend, you need to take care of yourself, get your own head on straight and you need to do whatever it takes to do that. As a shrink, I still think you have other issues to work through, but the biggest traumas are over. It should be smoother sailing from here on out. And as a top…" She looked at him for a moment before continuing. "As a top, I think you need to have a clear vision of what you want out of your relationship. You wrote your contract, but are you sticking to it?"

"I…I'm trying."

"You need to trust yourself and trust Rodney to be strong enough to help you," Kate said, her voice getting firm.

"I…he's having his own issues. I can't dump this on him, too."

"He's your partner, John. You're in this together. Do I think you and Rodney would have still argued last night? Probably. But if you'd really opened up to him and explained what you needed, do you think Rodney would have ignored your needs?"

John pushed down his initial need to fight back, thinking it through. "Rodney would still have had to work."

"He may have, I'm also assuming Rodney felt pressured as soon as he walked in the door. With Carson there, he was obligated to socialize, to watch a movie, have dinner, in addition to what he needed to do."

"He knew Carson was here, because I had called to see when he was coming back. I told him we'd be here waiting for him when he got off."

"Waiting for him. So he knew at least partially, that he was going to spend a good portion of the night socializing. Correct?"

"Yes." John sighed. "But he knew that before Carson was even part of the picture yesterday. I had also told him exactly what I wanted to do with him—that night." He felt his ears getting a little hot. It was one thing to talk about being a top with another top. For some reason admitting that he wanted to be a little wild was harder. "I had wanted Rodney to, ah, take me, but he's not comfortable doing that. So I was going to…ride him…instead."

"So there was also sex involved. But his circumstances changed. He had to finish something before a mission. That happens. And under normal circumstances—one where Carson wasn't there—you would have talked to him about it, right? Maybe reasoned it out, worked a compromise. Correct?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe you would have let him work for an hour and then had dinner and got onto other activities."

John blew out a puff of air. "I know. But I still don't know how I can fix this without hurting people. I love Rodney. At the risk of sounding like a whining five-year-old, why can't anything be easy? It's so fucking unfair sometimes that not only am I the one having a mental breakdown, but I have to be the one that holds everyone else together, too."

"In Rodney's case, it's because that's the role you chose. Is he not trying to help you?"

"Yes and no." John plucked at an imaginary thread in the chair. "He's got his own issues, and his way of helping is to just avoid talking to me about them. And maybe it is selfish, but while I may be a top, sometimes I don't want to be making all the decisions in bed. Times like this, when I'm not even sure I can take care of myself, it would be nice to come in and just have someone hold me, take me to bed, and make me feel good. He tries, and I'd never say anything to hurt him, but... I don't want to change our dynamic, I like it, but I can't help but wish that every now and then, I could sit back and let him be the aggressive one. Just once in a while."

"And have you told him this?"

"I've tried to lead him to it a few times. He gets really uncomfortable, and ends up handing back over control as soon as I'll let him, if not sooner. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love tying him up and driving him crazy. And he does surprise me every now and then. But even then, it's with himself bound and ready for me to come in and take control." John swallowed, finally meeting Kate's gaze. "Once in a while—and I'm not asking for a lot, once or twice a year, at most—it would be nice to be the one who walks in, is pinned to the wall, and can just lie back and let my lover enjoy me."

"I think you need to tell him. He wants to make you happy. Maybe all he needs is a 'Rodney, I want you to take care of me one day this week. Pick one, don't tell me what it is, but whatever you decide is good with me.' Order him, but give him direction. You might be surprised."

"You think that would work, that it wouldn't hurt him? I don't want to make him think I want to change him, or that I don't love him the way he is. That I don't love what we do. Because I do. I just... want to give up control, for a little while, every now and then. It's exhausting, always being in command at work, and then a top at home. Rewarding in more ways that I could ever dream, but... tiring, sometimes, too."

"I think he'd like it every once in a while. But beforehand sit with him, go over what can and can't be done. Make sure he understands. Give him hints of what you'd like. Maybe even talk about a fantasy you'd had."

John took a few deep breaths. "Okay, I can do that." He rubbed a hand across his face. He had just gotten up and he was already exhausted.

"You have every right to ask this of him. You are the dom and it's your right to want everything or nothing at all. Rodney understands that. But right now, I think you need to focus on getting your own head on straight and also taking care of the things that are yours: Rodney."

He looked up again, feeling more than a little lost, and hating it. "Can I? Get my head straight I mean. Because you keep saying I'm making progress, but I feel more fucked up than ever."

Kate smiled knowingly. "It probably feels like everything is too loud, too much, doesn't it?"

He nodded. "Like I have no barrier between me and the rest of the world anymore."

"That means I’m doing my job," she said, chuckling lightly. "I've been trying to break down some of your pre-conceived ideas and make you see that there are other answers, other ways to look at things. Once you start seeing your options, picking them, you'll see that things will start to fall into place."

"In other words, you had to break me to fix me." He gave her a weak smile. "While I'm sure I'll appreciate this later, right now I hope you aren't offended when I say it totally sucks."

This time she did laugh. "I'm not. You feeling a little better?"

"A bit. At least I don't think I'm going to end up on the floor again as soon as I try to move."

"Good. The sleep helped, let your mind process everything. I'd suggest working a little today. If you get tired, stop. Set your own pace, but don't push it."

"With Rodney and Lorne both off-world, paperwork is about all I have to do anyway. And speaking of which, I should head down to the infirmary to see who was injured, and how bad."

"You'll get the report. I'd recommend a slightly less…volatile situation for now."

He thought about it, then sighed. "I... need to know it wasn't my team. If it's not, I'll retreat to my office."

Kate sighed. "I am trying to help you not end up in a pile on the floor."

"I know." He glanced out the window. "Compromise? Call down and see who it was. If it wasn't my team, I'll steer clear completely. If it was... I can promise I won't lose it again until I'm back home, at least."

"Carson promised he'd call when he knew more. Give him time to work."

"I also know—and appreciate—that you're both trying to protect me. God knows I might not like it, but I need it at the moment. But I still need to know. They're my family, Kate."

"How about we compromise? You finish breakfast, take a shower and get ready for work. I'll call down once you're done. That will give Carson nearly an hour."

He held her gaze for a long moment, before finally nodding. "I can live with that. I do have a question for you, though."

"Of course."

"Now that you've managed to sweep away everything I've grounded myself on for almost forty years, you are planning to give me something new, right? Because this... unstable emotional wreck thing? Not much fun."

Kate moved back to the neighboring chair, using the time to frame an answer to his question. "Most of it will come from you, from your newer experiences, from your life. I guess I can ask you this: what grounds you?"

"I... hate to say it, but guilt mostly. I had to succeed, or I'd let down the people, my grandmother, who died believing in me."

"Guilt, while a good motivator, tends to come back and bite you in the ass. If you could shift that thought to something positive, what do you think it could be?"

"I can't, and don't want to, change the basic person I am. It's taken me years to find a place where I fit in, where I don't have to hide parts of myself—well, mostly. DADT still sucks, but I'm thinking positive. I won't leave men behind if there's any chance of saving them. I'll protect this city with my life if I have to, and I'll do anything Rodney asks of me, including my best to find another option before giving my life becomes necessary."

Kate pursed her lips, thinking. It took her nearly a minute to speak again. "Let me ask you this: do you want to let Rodney down?"

"Never."

"Why?"

John tried to find the words to say what he wanted, but got a little frustrated when they wouldn't come. Feelings, and talking about them, sucked sometimes. "He gets this look, when I've done something he doesn't like. Injured. I know I have the capacity to hurt him more than anyone else. I don't want to put that look on his face."

She nodded. "Does he ground you?"

John tilted his head, considering. "Yeah, he does."

"Then why don't you start there, with Rodney? He grounds you and you also don't want to let him down because you want to make sure he's happy. Right?"

"Yeeees." John dragged out the word. "But is it fair to put that on him? He's got a lot of expectations riding on his shoulders. My ability to cope with life shouldn't be another."

"Is it any different than what you're already doing?"

"Maybe... not. That's what a real relationship is all about, isn't it? Christ, no wonder I failed at marriage, and I love Rodney a hell of a lot more than I ever cared for my ex."

"So, why not base your grounding on him? You're already doing it and it's not based on guilt, but love."

"I... okay." He smiled a little. "My world already revolves around him. Might as well make it complete."

"Start there, then build on it. You may have come to Pegasus to die, but I think you might have found a reason to live."

He swallowed hard—he had forgotten he had admitted that out loud, and his cheeks flushed.

"What do you think, John? Is that a good enough reason to keep going?"

"Yes. Rodney... is my reason. Atlantis, Teyla, Ronon, Carson, Elizabeth, you... you're all in there too. But Rodney..."

"Is special," she said with a nod. "I know. And he should be."

"Rodney, and Atlantis, need me whole and functioning again. That's what motivates me."

"Because you love them and want to protect them?"

"They need me to protect them. Rodney because he's never had anyone care enough to protect him from the rest of the world, and Atlantis... because she was abandoned by her creators, left to rot on the bottom of the ocean, and I can't do it to her again. She needs me."

"And you love them."

He narrowed his eyes at her. She was going to make him say it out loud, he knew it.

She waited.

He licked his lips again, and finally caved. "All right, yes, because I love them."

She smiled. "Was that so hard?"

He glared a little. She knew damn well it was hard for him to admit that. Rodney was the only person the words ever came easy to.

"But isn't that a better foundation?"

He gave in. "Yes, I know it is, so you can stop rubbing it in."

"I’m not rubbing it in. I’m trying to get it through your thick skull…or maybe it's the hair that's giving us issues." She smiled broadly and then winked.

He considered for a moment, then, deliberately, stuck his tongue out at her. "On that note, I'm going to go shower. Holler if you hear anything before I'm done."

"Breakfast and a shower was the deal, then the call."

He glanced at the plate of pretty much untouched food. "Shower then breakfast, if you're going to insist I eat. I'm not really hungry right now."

"Breakfast does a body good."

"You know I don't really eat much except what I need to keep going, right?"

"I know," she said with a smile.

"And you've decided the Remake John Sheppard plan includes fattening me up?"

"No. Just making sure you're eating enough."

He made a face at her. "All right, I'll eat after I shower. I didn't have much yesterday, so I know I need to have something." He knew he had to take care of himself if he was going to be fit to take care of anyone else.

"I'll be here."

He pushed himself up slowly, glad his legs were showing no signs of collapsing on him again. With a jaunty wave, he slipped back into the bedroom, hopping in the shower. It didn't take him long, and he had to admit he felt a lot better, a lot more like himself. He was smiling, happy almost, when he reemerged into the living room. He was getting a handle on things, and Rodney would be home tonight and they could talk. Everything would work out.

Kate wasn't in the living room when he first stepped out, but he spotted her in the second bedroom, their office, with her back to the door.

"Kate?"

She glanced over her shoulder, her face tight. "Yes. I have to go. Yes, I will." She tapped her radio off and walked back into the living room. "Sorry," she said, putting on a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

And his good mood was gone, just like that. "What happened?"

"It was Lorne's team. Rodney's been injured, but he's fine."

John sucked in a breath, but shoved back everything except Colonel Sheppard. "What happened?"

"The natives were…unhappy with them. Something about bringing the Wraith…" Kate shook her head. "There were arrows. Rodney managed to shove Major Lorne out of the way. Head wounds tend to bleed a lot—"

Without a word, he turned and headed for the door.

He heard Kate following him, but he didn't wait for her in the transporter, closing the door in her face. He strode into the infirmary a few minutes later and Lorne was there, dirty and with scraped palms. "Sir!"

"Report." He had buried his emotions. He needed to know what happened before he decided if he was going to fucking kill someone.

"The villagers were a lot more unfriendly than we anticipated. Apparently they thought our MALP earlier in the week is what brought the Wraith on them two days ago. They were…angry. Chased us out of the village with spears and arrows. There was a second group flanking us that Rodney saw. He shoved me out of the way of the arrow, but it grazed him. There was a lot of blood, but we got back to the gate and dialed home. He saved my life, sir."

John wanted to scream at Lorne that it was his job to protect Rodney, not the other way around. But Colonel Sheppard knew Lorne didn't deserve that, and had done the best he could. He was human. "McKay's in surgery?"

"No. Beckett's finishing up with the rest of the team. He was sleeping when I looked in on him last."

With a curt nod, John kept his face impassive. "Good job then, getting everyone home. I'm sure Elizabeth will want a full report, but go get cleaned up and changed first. If she asks, I'll let her know I ordered you to do it."

"I'm going to wait for the rest of the team, sir."

John bit back the response that it wasn't Lorne's team. Because it was, now. Instead, he turned on his heel and moved to where Beckett was treating Ronon and Teyla, needing to make sure they were okay.

Teyla, standing beside Ronon's exam bed, offered a nod and a smile as soon as she saw him. She gestured deeper into the infirmary, the command silent. _Go see Rodney._

He looked them both over with a practiced eye, moving close enough to touch his forehead to hers, briefly. Acknowledging that he's glad they're okay, sorry he wasn't there.

"Colonel," Carson said quietly, glancing to the side. "Rodney's sleeping in the first room. He'll be fine. It only needed a few stitches."

"Thank you." It was the best he could do. With another brief squeeze to Teyla's arm, and a nod to Ronon, John moved into his lover's room, taking in the bandages, the pale complexion.

Rodney was sleeping easily. Sleeping the sleep of the drugged was probably the case. The white bandage was large, up near his hairline. One more inch to the left and it would have been dead on in his eye.

Aware that the middle of the infirmary wasn't a good place for this, John reached out, reassuring himself that his lover was still alive. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. They had gotten worse. Both of them. His not being there didn't make any difference. It was irrational to believe it would have made a difference. If anything, it could have been worse, if it was him Rodney had been trying to save. And if he told himself that enough times, he would eventually believe it.

A shuffle of feet at the door drew his attention.

Opening his eyes, John glanced over.

"He's going to be fine," Carson said firmly. "I'll release him once he wakes up."

"Okay."

"It'll be a few hours. He might have a headache for the next day or so, but other than that it'll be fine."

"Is he still on active duty, once he wakes up?"

"Depends on the headache. A day off at the most."

John nodded. "When he wakes up, tell him I was here."

"I will," Carson said. "You're not staying?"

"No."

"Do you want me to call you when he's ready to be released?"

John shook his head. "Not unless he needs help. I'll catch up with him tonight. In the meantime, I've been ordered to work today, light duty. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me."

Carson's eyes widened, but he nodded. "Aye. I'll do that."

"Thanks." John took a deep breath, gave Rodney's hand a quick caress, and ducked out of the infirmary, using a side entrance so he wouldn't run into his team, Lorne, or Kate. It didn't take him long to get to his office, and with a little effort, to lose himself completely in the minor paperwork waiting for him there.

No one bothered him, but he ran out of the easier stuff by mid-afternoon.

He moved on to the more difficult things, schedules, inventory—god he hated inventory, it gave him a headache, but it had to be done, and he was already late getting it to Elizabeth—so it wasn't until he realized it was dark and he was more than a little nauseous with hunger that he stopped. Standing, his muscles all protesting a full day in a chair with no break, John stretched and headed for home. He wondered if Rodney had been released yet. And if his lover was still angry.

The apartment was dark when he arrived, the small light in the kitchen the only one on. He headed into the bedroom, flicking on lights as he walked. He stopped as soon as he walked in, spotting his lover asleep in their bed with their blindfold on.

"Rodney?" He whispered it, not wanting to wake his lover if he was sleeping off a killer headache.

He shifted, snuffing a little into his pillow. "Hmm?"

Kicking off his shoes, John climbed up next to him, trailing one finger lightly down the other man's arm. "Just me."

"Oh…hey," Rodney said, a soft smile on his face. He reached up, tugging off the blindfold as he rolled onto his side and right into John. "What time is it?"

"Not too late. I was going to change and grab something to eat when I saw you sleeping. How are you feeling? How's the head?" John brushed the bandage Rodney was still wearing with gentle fingers.

"Better after my nap. Carson suggested sleeping if my head was bothering me. I decided I didn't want to give myself a worse headache if I went to the labs. Figured you'd wake me when you got home. And I hope it was okay to use the blindfold. The room was too bright and the light was getting annoying."

"Yeah, it's okay. I'd rather you use it and sleep, than not." John leaned in to brush his lips across Rodney's. "I'm sorry for the other night. And for not being out there with you today. I know it wouldn't have made a difference, but I'm still sorry I wasn't there."

"It's fine," Rodney said absently, his eyes widening a little. "Are you okay? I didn't want to leave without talking to you, but Carson said you needed to sleep and I had to get up to finish those calculations—"

John's chest ached a little. He smiled softly. "I'm... getting there. Sorry if I scared you. It had been a really long day. Kate's been systematically breaking me for weeks now, and yesterday was the day all her hard work finally paid off. I didn't mean to lose it like that, or to piss you off. I'm sorry."

"I’m the one who did that to you. I fought with you, disobeyed you," Rodney shifted, sitting up. "I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’m the one who always screws things up."

John blinked. "You didn't do anything you have to apologize for though. I was being selfish—I know you have to work, that you have things you need to do, especially when you have a mission scheduled."

"You aren't selfish. You have every right to ask me to do something and I said yes, but after you called and you said you had Carson…it just took me a lot longer to finish and I kept making stupid mistakes, but it still had to get finished but I was tired and I knew I was going to disappoint you, but it really was a legitimate reason, but—"

John moved, climbing over Rodney, pressing their bodies together, needing the contact, even though they were both clothed. "To be honest, I think I just couldn't deal with everything anymore. I…just wanted to get so lost in you and the physical that I couldn't think anymore. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, or make your life harder. I know you had to get up obscenely early to finish what my little scene delayed."

"It's my own fault," Rodney said, wrapping his arms around John. "How about I call Carson and reschedule for tomorrow night?"

John shook his head, letting himself melt into the warm comfort of Rodney's body. It was easier, this way, to share some of his revelations of the past few days. "Just want you. Kate thinks I'm trying to do too much right now. That I need to refocus—on getting myself fixed, and on you. You're the one I've grounded myself in. My life revolves around you—your wants and needs."

"Hmm," Rodney hummed, relaxing against the bed. "So, are we okay?"

"Yeah, I think we are." He lifted his head, smiling a little. And remembered what Kate had suggested. He licked his lips, really, really hoping Rodney would take this like she thought he would. John didn't want to fight again. "And I was thinking, I have this... fantasy. It's a little different from what we usually do, but... maybe I could tell you about it, and see if you'd be interested?"

Rodney smiled widely, his eyes lighting up. "You have a fantasy?"

He nodded, flushing a little, but he couldn't help but return the grin. "I have a lot of them actually. And I want to go through all of them. This one... I was thinking maybe we could pick a week. I don't want to know what day in that week you decide on, but... I was thinking it would be really, really hot to come home and be caught off-guard, pinned against a wall. Be…taken, a little. No vetos. You could do whatever you wanted to me, no questions asked, and any other punishments, restrictions, etc. that were in effect would be on hold that one night." He licked his lips, and he knew Rodney could feel that even talking about it got him a little aroused. "What do you think?"

"I could do anything?" Rodney's eyes were wide.

John nodded. "Yes. That one night, I would be all yours, anything you wanted. At all. You're so fucking brilliant—it turns me on to think about what it would be like to have all that energy, that focus on driving me insane."

"Even…fucking you?"

He couldn't help the little moan and half thrust down at the idea. "Yeah. Even that. Anything you wanted. I'd be yours, completely, to play with for the night."

"I could tie you up?"

He nodded. "Tie me up, fuck me, use any of our toys. Whatever you wanted."

"Vibrators?"

He thrust down again, starting to pant a little. "Yeah..."

"Dildos?"

He nodded. "Plugs, clamps, cuffs, chains. Anything."

"Suspension?"

John moaned again. "Oh god... Yes..."

"The Ancient cock ring?"

"Rodney..." John scrambled a hand between them, trying to get his pants open, trying to get a hand around himself. "Yes."

"You mean you're…" Rodney's eyes widened again. "You're…just from talking about it?"

"Nnng." It was the best he could do, and when had they made zippers so god damned complicated anyway?

"Fuck. Wow. And I thought it was just me…hoping you were all…because of me, but that's really hot, too, and ooo, I could still get you to fuck me if I wanted, right?"

John's body jerked as he gave up on the pants and just came helplessly, with a whine into Rodney's neck. When the stars had faded enough for him to be coherent again, he made an embarrassed noise. "Okay, so when I said I found the idea really hot..."

"When. When do you want to do this?"

God. Finally something was easy. "I don't want to know what day. Some time in the next week? And you'll get twenty-four hours, from when you first start until it ends."

Rodney hugged him tighter. "What else are you holding back from me?"

"Um. I sort of have an overactive sexual imagination..."

John heard Rodney's 'you are an idiot' sigh. "And you're not sharing these, why?"

He chuckled, wrapping himself more firmly around Rodney. "Well, to be fair most of them I just go ahead and do. Where do you think I come up with all the things I do to you? I like surprising you, giving you something new to experience, even if it's just a new way of using a toy, or a new way of tying you up."

"A Master Handbook?"

"In my head, yeah, sort of. Only I'm the one writing it as I go." John laughed softly again. "But I wasn't sure how you'd feel about this one, since it's not our usual dynamic. I didn't want you to think I wasn't happy, because I am. It's just... this idea turns me on, too."

"John, it's you. How can I not be happy with you?"

He tilted his head so he could give Rodney an open, happy smile. "Yeah. I was kind of an idiot. But you love me anyway, right?"

"Of course I love you, you idiot." Rodney rolled his eyes. "Can we eat?"

John's stomach reminded him that yes, it was still ravenous. "Yes. I think I'm starving."

"Good, because lunch was a long time ago and I was nauseous and eating too much wasn't a good idea and I really need a little something—"

Sitting up, John made a face at his sticky pants. "I don't think I ever got around to eating today at all. Why don't you see what's left in the fridge while I change?"

"So even though you want me all aggressive in your fantasy, until then is it business as usual?"

John cupped Rodney's face. "Yeah. I don't want to change what we have, at all. Just... if we both enjoy this, maybe once or twice a year, I'll pick a week, and let you pick the day. Not only is it nice to shake things up, but it will give us both a better appreciation of the other, I think."

"Okay, good. And ooo…. Does that mean I get to spank your ass for all the times you've done something stupid?"

John groaned, but he nodded. "I'll be all yours, for twenty-four hours. Ass and all. Just don't forget your ass will be mine again the next day."

"I won't." Rodney smiled innocently. "So, I should check on food after I get comfortable. I’m over-dressed," he said, already stripping off his shirt. "And someone got come on my boxers."

"Oh yeah. You know, clothes are overrated." He began to strip his own off. "If it makes you feel any better, my pants are way more icky right now."

"Serves you right. Not sharing your fantasy sooner," Rodney grumbled, tugging off his boxers and tossing them into the laundry hamper. When he turned, John noticed his lover was still wearing the Ancient cock ring. He'd been on a mission with it, too.

He stared at it. "Oh. Rodney... I didn't mean to make you go off-world with that on..."

"What?" Rodney started to say, but then noticed what John was looking at. "Oh. I…didn't want to wake you, bother you about it. It wasn't too tight or anything." He shrugged.

John moved closer, reaching out to run a finger along the edge of it. "If you had been seriously hurt instead of just grazed..."

"I’m sure the nurses saw it when they stripped me and put me in scrubs."

"And you're okay with that?" John was stroking his lover now.

"I had a bleeding head wound," Rodney said, shifting into John's touch. "There were more pressing things to be worrying about, like…oh well, you know…the bleeding head wound."

He firmed his grip, bringing Rodney to full hardness. "Well, yeah, then. But now. It doesn't bother you that they know you were wearing one?"

"I….oh…." Rodney's eyes fluttered closed, his warm hand resting on John's chest as he steadied himself. "I hadn't thought about it, really…there was the head wound….oh….and, and the headache…oh John….and drugs, there were drugs…"

"Because it's kind of hot." John swiped his thumb across the head.

"They can imagine…imagine their own fantasies." Rodney was beautiful like this, on the edge with just John's touch.

"Mmm hmm. But they'll never guess how truly fucking beautiful you are like this. Only I get to see it."

"Oh….John….love you," Rodney said, his other hand finally landing on John's hip. He was trembling slightly, simply letting himself feel.

With one last caress, John let his hand drop. He brushed their lips together. "Love you, too. Go get us some dinner while I finish stripping—we can continue this line of thought after we get some food in us, since I doubt we'll be up for more than passing out after."

Rodney licked his lips and slowly opened his eyes, giving John a nod in reply. "Yes, John."

If he wasn't so hungry, and knew Rodney needed to eat... it took an act of will to step back. He pulled his shirt up over his head, tossing it in the corner.

His lover moved slowly through the apartment and out into the kitchen. A moment later John could hear him going through the cabinets and their small fridge, doing as John had requested.

He quickly finished stripping, sighing in relief as he got the wet fabric off the sensitive skin. John took a moment to wipe away the last traces of come, and then wandered out.

There was a single plate on the counter, half piled with food. Next to it stood a large bottle of water and a small packet of pain medication. Rodney was half-buried in a cabinet looking for something.

"Head still bothering you?" John dropped into his usual chair at their table.

"Little," he replied, the answer muffled. "I just don't want it to get bad and wake me up tonight."

"Yeah, good plan. I'd like to wear you out, and have it last into tomorrow morning."

Rodney paused, glancing over the cabinet door at John with wide eyes. "Really? I mean…I had hoped that things were back to normal, but I wasn't going to assume so just because I wanted it…especially after your…well, I wouldn't call it a breakdown because that would be rude and uncaring and I am trying to work at being a little nicer, at least at home, you know, show a little tact. In the labs, that's a different story altogether. I swear they're just waiting for me to drop dead or something so they can dance on my grave. But while I'm not really up to a whole lot, a little…wearing out sex would be nice because the last time it kind of ended badly and sex should never end badly…and—"

"Rodney." John couldn't help but laugh softly. "Have I mentioned how much I adore you lately? Yes, things are back to normal, or at least as normal as they can be. Yes, I still have some issues to work through, but no, that doesn't mean I'm not going to ravish you at every available opportunity."

"Oh, okay," his lover said, blushing slightly. "Just as long as we're clear."

"I just came in my pants from you talking about sex toys. I think it's safe to say you have the power to arouse me pretty much all the time." He grinned.

Rodney ducked his head back into the cabinet, emerging a few moments later with some crackers that he arranged on the plate. He moved to the fridge and tugged out some kind of spread John had originally passed up in the mess. Apparently Carson had grabbed it for them last night. He brought everything over to the table and set it in front of John before he settled down on his knees beside him with a quiet sigh. His pillow still had to be in the office, but he didn't look like he was going to get it.

"How are your knees?" John immediately reached out, sinking his fingers into the soft hair on his lover's head.

"Fine. The arrow hit my head."

John huffed. "Yes, but you usually have a pillow when I have you down like this. I want to make sure you'll be okay while I feed you, or see if I need to run and grab it for you."

"I'll be fine." Rodney tilted his head up, offering John a smile. "Really."

John nodded. He trusted Rodney to tell him if it was bad enough that he needed the pillow, and they wouldn't be here all night. So he picked out a bite nibbling a little before holding it out for Rodney. His own stomach growled loudly.

"You need to eat, too," Rodney said quietly before taking the bite John offered.

"Yeah. I got distracted from breakfast this morning, and then I worked through lunch. I'm actually pretty hungry." John fed himself some cheese, and a few crackers.

"You have to take care of yourself, John." Rodney's tone wasn't accusatory, but concerned, warm.

"Yeah. I've...realized that if I want to be able to take care of you and Atlantis, I need to take care of myself. To be fair, I didn't plan to skip meals today. And when I realized how late it was, I immediately came home, hoping to find you and grab some dinner." He pressed a little against Rodney's lips, too. "Keep me honest about it, okay? I want to get old and cranky with you, so I need to keep myself healthy."

"We're already cranky, so we have half of it down pat."

"Ahhh, but I have visions of a day when Atlantis isn't just a military base." He went a little dreamy, staring off into space. "This is a big city. Some day there will be kids, more civilians. It will be a real city, where the best and the brightest come to study and work and research. I want to be here to see it."

"Then I guess you know what you have to do then," Rodney said quietly, nuzzling into John's hand.

John caressed Rodney's face with his free hand while he fed them both a few more bites. "It's not weird is it, to be planning for a day when my command isn't really a command anymore?"

"You'd still be the one in charge, though," Rodney said. "You wouldn't have it any other way."

"I'm not really qualified to run a city—that would be Elizabeth's job. Although I can't imagine we wouldn't have a small military contingent still, so I'd, hopefully, still run that. And you'd be running the whole science department, a university for the best minds of two galaxies."

"Maybe."

"Someday." John believed it would happen. He would do whatever it took to make it happen.

They fell into a comfortable silence, eating dinner, relaxing in each other's company.

John had thought Rodney had pulled out a lot of food, so he was a little startled to realize they had eaten it all. "I think we were hungrier than I thought we were."

"Uh huh," Rodney said quietly, his eyes half-closed as he licked his lips, catching a crumb.

"Why don't we take this to the bedroom, where we can get more comfortable?"

"Good idea." Rodney smiled lazily, tilting his head so he could see John better. His eyes were glazed with arousal and contentment. He was falling into headspace so easily now.

John's own toppy instincts flared, and it didn't take long to move them, to secure his lover to the bed, spread out for him like a feast. "Mmmm. You look tasty."

Rodney's head rolled to the side and he smiled at John. "Time for the dessert course?"

"Mmmm."

"There's a lot to pick from."

John swirled a finger over the very tip of Rodney's dick. "I think I might cash in my rain check from yesterday."

"What rain check?"

"Riding you."

"Oh," Rodney said, squirming a little, tugging at the restraints.

John continued to touch, focusing on just the head. "No. I was always planning to ride you."

Rodney moaned quietly as John ran a fingernail along the underside of Rodney's cock. "I'm….oh John….here."

"I want to feel you stretching me, feel you come inside me." John grabbed the lube he had pulled out earlier and slowly started to stroke Rodney's entire erection, coating it.

He moaned louder now, body trembling as he arched into John's touches. Rodney's hands were clenching and unclenching above his head as John slowly tore him apart.

John kept it up until he was pretty sure Rodney was lost in the pleasure, his hips shifting restlessly. He rose up, straddling the other man and giving himself a cursory stretch—two fingers, fast, and more to get some lube where it was needed than anything else. He positioned himself over Rodney, savoring and anticipating.

His lover was moaning and whimpering quietly, his eyes closed tightly, having lost the battle to stay open some time ago. He bucked up into John's hand as soon as he touched him, the head of his dick grazing against John's entrance.

With hitched breath, John started to sink down, taking his lover inside his body. It was a stretch, but the burn was fucking fantastic.

Rodney was barely breathing, hitched breaths and moans his only respiration as John sank down. His head was thrown back, exposing the long line of his neck decorated only with the small collar he normally wore.

It was amazing, and John was leaking steadily by the time he had taken Rodney all the way inside. "So full..."

Rodney whimpered, arching up a little and John felt his lover slide in a hair deeper, felt the cock ring surrounding his base.

"Oh..." John turned the ring on, jerking and moaning as the vibrations went straight into his ass. "Oh fuck..."

The sensation made Rodney buck up into John and dragged a loud half moan/half scream from him.

John had to close his eyes and take a few long, deep breaths. When he was pretty sure he could move without coming, he started to rock, fucking himself on Rodney.

His lover was half out of his mind. He was tugging at the bonds, panting and moaning and whimpering. Between the restraints and John's weight he had nowhere to go. All he could do was enjoy the ride—John certainly was.

Wanting to draw it out as long as possible, John forced himself to go slow. He rocked back and forth rather than sitting up and slamming down. His grip on Rodney's thighs would probably leave bruises, but that just made it hotter.

Right now, he needed this, wanted this. It wasn't often that he craved this kind of fullness, this kind of sensation, but it was perfect. With Rodney squirming and bucking up under him and filling him…perfect.

Closing his eyes, John let his head fall back so he could focus on nothing except what they were doing, what his body was feeling. All the worries, stresses, everything fell away. He was just John, with his lover Rodney, making one another feel good. It was all they needed to be.

When he felt his climax pooling, nearly ready to spill over he finally picked up the pace, fucking himself in earnest. Up and down he rode him, and rode him hard. Both of them would be feeling it in the morning.

"Want to feel you come inside me. Rodney, please, need to feel you come now..."

Rodney whimpered loudly, coming as soon as the ring loosened. His breath caught in his throat, his entire body stiffening in the restraints before he was coming hard, pulsing deep inside of John.

The heat filled him, made John keen with need. He slammed down a few more times, tagging his own prostate hard, before his world whited out, orgasm ripping through his body.

He came to slumped over his lover's body, Rodney breathing evenly under him, every other breath a soft whimper or moan.

"Mphrle?"

Rodney shifted slightly, his cock still buried inside John. It made sparks run through John's body and he moaned.

Since there was tempting skin right under his mouth—he didn't even have to move to get to it—John started to lick and suck, the slightly salty taste that was pure Rodney making him shiver again.

His lover whimpered, but rolled his head to the side.

"So good."

John got a moaned purr, Rodney's affirmative when words were still beyond him.

He chuckled, making them both moan at the sensation. "Lemme know when I get too heavy. Want to stay just like this as long as I can."

"Good," Rodney finally whispered.

John wiggled a little just to feel Rodney inside him, then sighed happily as he carefully wrapped his limbs more comfortably around Rodney's body. He'd have to slide to the side soon, but for now, he craved this connection with his lover.

He continued marking him a few moments later, worrying the one patch of skin with tongue and teeth and mouth until it was exactly the shape and size he wanted.

Smiling at the little spot, John kissed it lightly before working up the energy to lift himself off his lover and sliding to the side. Cuddling close, he rested one hand in the center of Rodney's chest. "Need anything before I fall asleep?"

"Blanket. Pill."

Smiling, John sat up and grabbed Rodney's painkiller, helping his lover swallow it with a few sips of water. Then he tugged the blanket out and over both of them—he'd clean them up tomorrow. "Better?"

Rodney nodded, shifting again. "Can you…do you mind unhooking me?"

John hummed, reaching up along Rodney's arm to feel for the cuff. When he found it, he triggered the release. "Need your feet too?"

"Please."

Sitting back up, John quickly finished unhooking the other man.

"Thank you," Rodney whispered. As soon as John was lying back down Rodney shifted, half-covering John with his body. One leg was thrown over his lover, arm under John's back, head on his chest, his hand resting in the middle. He sighed contentedly a beat later.

Oh, this was nice. John hummed his pleasure, rubbing his nose against Rodney's soft hair. Very nice.

Rodney shifted again, and then again a minute later.

"You okay?"

"My ass is jealous of my cock."

John couldn't help it, he laughed, hugging Rodney tightly. "Never change. But since I can't get it up again with a crane, and plugs aren't an option, what did you have in mind?"

"Nothing," Rodney huffed. "I'll survive."

"Mmmm. We haven't played with the iBod in a while. That could be fun."

"I thought we were sleeping."

"I don't want your ass feeling neglected again."

"It has to survive two months of neglect. And besides, it's not like the iBod is a viable alternative. You're just teasing me unmercilessly."

John nuzzled Rodney's head again. "I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back, but we both know it doesn't work that way. But think of it this way—you haven't really gone without one much at all in recent memory. So a few months off, and then they'll feel like something new and different again."

"Maybe." Rodney was pouting.

"In the meantime, I had an idea I've been meaning to ask you about. With what we have of Ancient tech, and your general engineering skills, is it possible for you to build me a large-ish plug that could also be used as a dildo? I want it to be made of something really smooth, and be able to adjust the temperature with my mind, like I do the vibrations on the ring. I'd love to see how you would react to being fucked with something that was alternating temperatures, or even just to put it inside you and make it cold or really warm. And if it was just the right size, we could use it as a plug occasionally, and you'd get changes in sensations every now and then when we were playing day-long games."

Rodney was silent for a long minute before he sputtered, "You're serious?"

"Mmm hmm." It gave John a warm, fuzzy, toppy feeling just thinking about what he could do with a toy like that. "I don't know if it's even possible to build, but I know if anyone can, it would be you. And think of how awesome it would be to re-inaugurate your ass with a plug like that in a few months."

Rodney snorted into John's chest, but was otherwise quiet.

"Do you think it's possible?" John ran a hand up and down his lover's back, trying not to get his hopes up.

"Maybe."

John hummed. "Surprise me with it, if you figure out a way to do it. That way I won't get depressed if it turns out to be an impossible dream, and if you can do it, I'll have all the fun of getting a surprise sex toy."

"It is my ass we're talking about."

"And we both know your ass is already aching and making greedy little squeezes at just the thought of me having a toy like that, especially one that I could control like I do the ring. On our dedicated play-days, you wouldn't just have a low buzz to tell you I wanted you—you'd have a buzz and the sensation deep inside you."

"Mmmm," Rodney hummed, rubbing his face against John's chest. "Wouldn't object to it right now."

John's hand drifted lower, to feel the almost rhythmic clenching of Rodney's cheeks.

"Mmmm…yeah."

"When's your next mission? Because I think I want to fuck you a few times tomorrow. See how many times I can get us both off in supply closets all over the city."

"Mmmm…Monday or Tuesday…so…three or four days from now, I think. Lorne mentioned something but I ignored him."

"Good, so fucking you so much you'll be walking funny by tomorrow night won't be a problem."

"Probably not. Be messy though without the plug." Of course he had to rub that in.

"Who said I was going to fuck you myself?" John grinned. "I was thinking I'll just carry a good dildo with me all day, so I can fuck you, literally, as much as I want without physical limitations being an issue. I might let you blow me, if watching you come over and over gets to be too much, but I might just wait until after dinner to fuck you myself."

"Fucking generally involves your cock in my ass, so that might be why my mind went in that general direction."

"You'll get that, too. But I want you to come so much your dick aches. And I know mine's not up to that level of performance anymore."

"Of course it is."

"I'm flattered you think so." John gave Rodney's ass a little reward squeeze. "But I didn't say I wanted my dick to ache, just yours."

Rodney snuggled in again, rubbing his nose against John's chest before settling his cheek back down. "For you, only for you."

John hummed, wrapping his arms more tightly around Rodney, holding him close. "Sleep now. We can play tomorrow."

"Hmmm…'kay," Rodney said quietly, letting out a long breath as he melted against John.

Feeling more relaxed than he had in a while, John fell asleep smiling softly.

***

The headache from the stupid arrow graze stayed with him for a few days but the day spent in various supply closets all over Atlantis getting fucked and coming until his dick hurt certainly helped him forget about it.

If anything, John was creative and inventive. Rodney just missed the plug. Really missed it. He hadn't been meaning to argue about it or even have sex that afternoon. He'd fully intended to just give John a blow job and go back to the labs, but things had quickly changed—and not entirely for the better.

It was the story of his life. He kept screwing up everything—missions, his life, his relationships. He was honestly surprised John was still with him, but wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

And then John had shared a fantasy with him, something he'd like them to do. It was hot and totally different than anything else they'd done. But John had certainly taught him about all the different ways to make a human body writhe in pleasure. He just hoped he could live up to the fantasy in John's head.

The mission yesterday had gone badly again—to everyone's surprise but his own. He'd finally gotten a science mission, but the Ancient outpost was just a pile of ruins. Of course he had to pick the one that had been obliterated as his first science mission in nearly a month or longer.

He'd ended up arguing with Lorne about whether or not it would be wise to explore the few areas not completely destroyed. There was a small energy reading, but Lorne claimed it was too dangerous. John would have let him look at least.

So here he was, getting ready to meet John for lunch and the start of his twenty-seven hours of fantasy sex. He was wearing the Ancient cock ring, so he'd planned to use a more standard leather ring on John. He didn’t want to give up his ring.

The leather cuffs would go on because he wanted to see his lover spread out on the bed for him to feast on. He'd make John wear them all day under his BDUs.

He'd have to wait until later for the other cuffs and the nipple rings.

But that was about all he'd managed to come up with for now. He wanted to make John happy, wanted to do this for him, to make his fantasy come true, but it was hard. He'd never had to plan something like this, had to live up to a dream, a fantasy. He just hoped he didn't screw up too badly.

With a quiet sigh, Rodney glanced across the main lab toward Zelenka. He was far enough away that it should be safe for a short radio call. Tapping his radio on, he spoke quietly. "McKay to Sheppard."

After a moment, John answered, sounding a little tired. "Sheppard here. What's up?"

"We still meeting for lunch?"

"I was planning on it. I should be just about done with this damn paperwork by then. Seriously, why does the SGC need forms in triplicate to send us more ammo?"

"To make sure they can bury us in more than just red tape," Rodney said, glancing up at Zelenka. He hadn't moved. Good. Rodney dropped his voice anyway. "I was wondering if we could…have a quiet lunch in the room…maybe?"

There was a heartbeat of silence, and then John almost purred a little. Rodney was fairly certain his lover was thinking it would just be their usual quickie, which they did sometimes when one or both of them was having a long day. "Sounds perfect. Want me to grab food from the mess, or are you going to?"

"I'll grab some. Thirty minutes?"

"I'll be there. Sheppard out."

Rodney tapped off his radio as he rose from his stool. "Radek, I'm going to grab lunch before I head to the East Pier to do those repairs. If you need me, radio."

The Czech waved a distracted hand, not even looking up. From what Rodney could see of his screen, Radek was working on his pet project of optimizing the Jumpers.

"And let Simpson know I want to go over her report this afternoon."

"Yes, yes." Radek waved him off again.

Rodney wandered out without another word, worry and doubt and anticipation clawing at his insides. He grabbed the first things he spotted in the mess—sandwiches, water, pudding cups—before heading back to the room. He wanted to make sure everything was in place before John got there.

Putting the food in the kitchen, he ducked into the bedroom, pulling out the ankle cuffs and the leather cock ring. He fingered one of his plugs for a minute before making up his mind and taking it out along with some lube.

With everything set on the bedside table, he grabbed the blindfold at the last minute, stuffing into his pocket. He wanted John to be surprised about the…stuff.

And then he went and stood next to the door, his back to the wall and waited—sweaty palms and all.

It wasn't much longer before the door opened, John striding in a heartbeat later.

As soon as the door slide closed, Rodney gave it a quick mental nudge to lock it before pushing John up against the door and kissing him. It was a little awkward, but he managed not to brain either of them at the first go.

He felt John stiffen in surprise, and then his lover just... melted. With a moan, John opened his mouth, letting Rodney inside.

Rodney's hands slid down his lover's arms until his fingers tangled with John's, before he pushed their joined hands above his head, holding him in place with the weight of his body.

He could feel John's erection, straining against the BDUs. He moaned again, but didn't struggle, just stayed exactly where Rodney had placed him.

Rodney pulled back, gently biting John's bottom lip, pulling a quiet moan from him. He untangled his hands, his quiet "don't move" keeping John in place. A moment later and he was tugging the blindfold in place, making sure his lover couldn't see.

John panted a little. "Yes... sir."

Rodney stilled. "No. No, sir. Just…Rodney's fine."

"'Kay." John's hips shifted, but he didn't move.

"I…" Rodney started, before talking a breath and clearing his throat. "We're going to the bedroom and you're going to strip for me."

"Rodney..." John moaned his name. "Yes, anything you want..."

Taking his hand, Rodney tugged his lover forward, moving a little too quickly at first, John nearly tripping. "Sorry, sorry," Rodney whispered, his hand on John's chest to steady him. This leading someone who couldn't see was harder than he thought.

The corners of John's mouth curved up. "Doing fine. All that matters is you and me, and both of us enjoying ourselves."

"Just…" Rodney let out a breath. "Bedroom. You need to be naked."

John hummed his agreement, following where Rodney led.

This time he moved much slower, carefully guiding John through the living room and into the middle of the bedroom where he stopped. His hands on John's hips, he shifted him so he was right in the sunlight. "Good, good. Now, strip for me."

Moving slowly, John reached for his buttons. He didn't do it quickly, but seemed to be taking pleasure in drawing it out, one button at a time. "Can I touch myself while I strip?"

"Not yet."

With a slightly hitched breath, John nodded. It took him another five minutes of slow movements, each body part revealed in tantalizing glimpses, until John was before him, naked, hard and leaking.

Rodney moved around him quietly, his booted feet barely making a sound. John's head was cocked to the side, listening for him. It was odd that Rodney could tell just from the shift in his lover's body. He reached forward, letting his fingers graze against John's shoulder and down his arm.

His lover sucked in a breath, leaning into it.

"Hungry?"

"Is that a euphemism?" John had turned his head, so Rodney could see the playful smile hovering on his lips. But his stomach chose that moment to rumble, and John chuckled. "I think my body's trying to say that yes, it's hungry in every sense of the word."

"Hmm. We'll take care of that in a minute," Rodney said quietly before stepping back away from John.

John tried to follow Rodney's movements, but pulled himself up short. "Please."

Rodney paused. "Please what?"

"I want you."

"Soon."

John shivered, but nodded.

Rodney watched his lover for a minute before moving across the room to the side table, picking up the cock ring. He moved back to John, watching his lover listening to movements.

John's hands were moving restlessly at his side. "I want to touch you. Can I?"

"No."

John's breath quickened, and Rodney saw his dick give a hard twitch, but otherwise he just nodded his acceptance.

It wasn't as though he didn't want John touching him. He did. But if John touched him, everything would go out the window. "You will," he said quietly, stepping closer. "But right now, I get to touch." He grasped John's cock in his hand, holding him firmly.

With a moan, John swayed into him. "Y…yes. Rodney. Please. Yes."

Oh god. John was so hot. "Please what?"

"Anything." John lowered his head, breathing hard. "Anything you want."

Rodney stroked John a few times before fastening the cock ring in place, listening to John moan with abandon. "Just you," he whispered.

"Already have me. Always."

Rodney leaned in, his hand covering the tip of John's cock, not wanting to get come on his uniform. He wasn't planning on changing and his own cock ring would keep him from coming. He pressed his lips to John's, kissing him deeply before pulling back. "How's it feel, John? Too tight?"

It took his lover a few seconds to answer, licking his lips, leaving them shiny and pink. "Perfect."

"Good. Come with me. It's time for lunch."

John nodded slowly, waiting for Rodney to lead him.

God. John was so beautiful. So trusting. He didn't want to screw this up. He took a breath before wrapping his hand around John's cock, tugging him forward as he took a step backwards.

John moaned, and the flesh under his palm gave another twitch. But his lover followed, not even hesitating.

"Good, John. So good."

Humming, John's lips curved up again. The smile was simple, happy.

Rodney led him to the couch in the living room, pushing him gently to sit. "No touching yet," he said quietly, giving John's cock a firm stroke.

John's breath quickened as he took a few gulps of air. "Please, please let me..." One hand started to drift toward his own nipple.

"No," Rodney said firmly, giving John's cock a hard squeeze. "Not yet."

With a whine in the back of his throat, John obeyed, letting his hands drop to his side, even as he arched up, into Rodney's hand.

"Good, John. We'll get you there, I promise."

Subsiding back into the couch, John finally nodded, slowly. "'Kay. Trust you."

"I know," Rodney whispered. "I'll be right back."

John nodded again, his head falling back to rest on the back of the couch, leaving his body open, on display. And very aroused.

"Think about me, John," Rodney said suddenly, leaning forward to whisper in his lover's ear. "Think about what I might do to you, could do to you. Twenty-seven hours, John. I have a lot of time on my hands."

John's body arched again. "Oh... yes... Rodney...."

"Think about it. How it will feel." Rodney blew into his lover's ear, loving how he shuddered. "Think about it because I want you to tell me all about it during lunch."

"Oh God...." John was digging into the couch, his knuckles white. "Please, yes, please, Rodney..."

"Think about it." Rodney rose, moving into the kitchen as he listened to his lover panting on the couch, hands fisted in the cushions beside him.

John was shifting restlessly when Rodney returned, but his hands were still on the couch. His hips occasionally made small, abortive thrusts up.

Rodney sat down on the coffee table just in front of John, shifting so he was between his lover's legs, pushing them open wider. "Are you thinking, John?"

"Oh god, fuck, yes."

"About what?"

"You. Touching me. Your hands all over my body. Bringing me to the edge over and over again, but not letting me come. Making it last, so my whole body is humming with it."

"Hmm…what else?"

John made a hitched, desperate noise, but he kept talking, the words almost pouring out of him. "You riding me, being deep inside you, but you're the one controlling the pace. You fucking me, being inside me, filling me, driving me wild with it."

Rodney leaned forward, gently stroking John's hard and red cock. "And what about this? How does this fit in?"

"Oh, god, Rodney..." John's head had fallen back again, thumping against the couch. "Could do this all day, have you touching me, feels so good, love it so much, love you so much, just touching me all day."

"Don't worry, John, you're going to," Rodney said, stroking him slowly. "I have plans."

"Yes, please, yes. Want all that focus on me. All that problem…problem solving. So hot when you're focused on something, want it to be me, just me, want your hands all over me, want you, oh god I want you."

"Shhh," Rodney said, letting his touch lighten further. "You have me, John. And if this is too much, all you have to do is tell me and it'll stop. Okay?"

John whined again, trying to arch. "Don't stop, oh, please, don't stop..."

Rodney let out his own whimper, wanting to just have John fuck him and get it over with, but John wanted this. "Shhh…" he said, his voice breaking a little. "Breathe."

John took a few more gulps of air, but he settled back down into the couch. "Yes. Want to make you happy."

Rodney felt something seize inside of him. "You do, John. You always do. Everything you do."

John's hand came out, groping around until he was touching Rodney. "Love you so much."

"God, you have no idea," Rodney said, breaking off when he choked up a little. John's hand tightened on his arm.

"Thank you. This means... a lot to me. Want to be the center of your attention, feel your hands all over me."

"I’m sorry. This is probably going to be all wrong and horrible and—"

John sat up, and despite the blindfold, managed to put his arms around Rodney. "Doing perfect. This is perfect. You can't mess up. I just want to be selfish, just for today. Be the one who gets all the attention, all the touches, and all I have to do is lie back and let you play with me. Anything you do will be perfect. I love you."

Rodney took a deep breath, wrapping his arms around John as he tried to get himself back under control. He was already screwing up and John was so understanding. "I love you, too, John. So much," he said quietly, stumbling a little through the words.

John nuzzled into Rodney's neck. "Lunch?"

"Minute," Rodney said, taking a breath, pulling himself away from John's naked body. "And I thought I said no touching."

John smiled softly, settling back into the couch. "Sorry. I'll try to do better next time."

"I know you will," Rodney said, touching John's cheek with gentle fingers before drawing back, picking up a piece of sandwich. He'd cut them into smaller pieces to make it easier for John to eat. "Open your mouth."

His lover immediately obeyed, opening his mouth wide.

Rodney dragged the bread along John's bottom lip before pushing it inside.

With a soft moan, John took it, chewing slowly. "Mmmm, never been fed before. Now I know why you like it so much. S'really nice." He opened his mouth for another bite.

"Hope it's okay," Rodney said, giving John another bite before taking a bite of his own sandwich.

John just hummed, his body relaxing—although his erection was still jutting out proudly, leaking a little at the tip.

Rodney swallowed another two bites of his sandwich even as he fed John his next perfectly proportioned one, watching as John licked the crumbs from his lip. "You know…you could always ask me to do this if you like it."

"Never thought about it. I like feeding you, too." John purred softly. "You like it, too? Feeding me?"

"I…" Rodney paused. Not wanting to be honest, but knowing that's what John wanted from him. "It's okay. Prefer the other way."

His lover chuckled, turning his head to nuzzle at Rodney's hand hovering nearby. "Bet you'd like it better if you were naked on your knees feeding me."

"If I was naked and kneeling on the floor, I had better be bound and submissive for you," Rodney said immediately, a piece of him wishing he was.

John pressed a kiss to Rodney's hand. "I could be bound and submissive for you now. Well, I could try. I'm not being a very good sub, am I? But I like this. I like getting to see how you feel, what the things I do to you feel like. Will help me be a better top tomorrow."

"I’m not done yet."

John's hips twitched up a little. "Looking forward to it."

Rodney leaned back, picking up the last piece of John's sandwich, pressing it against his lover's lips. "Last piece."

John took it, eating it eagerly. When he was done, he licked his lips, but otherwise didn't move, just waiting.

Uncapping a bottle of water, Rodney reached out, placing it in John's hand. "It's open already. Drink as much as you need."

His lover nodded, then brought the bottle to his lips. He downed about half in one go, then stopped. "I'll probably want the rest later, but that's good for now."

"You'll get more," Rodney said, taking it from him and replacing the cap. He pulled out one of the pudding cups—chocolate—tugging off the film top. He dipped the spoon in and took a bite before leaning in, pressing his lips to John's, his pudding-covered tongue demanding entrance.

John opened up, and then moaned as the flavor hit him. His body pressed up against Rodney's, his hands coming up to grip Rodney's arms.

Shifting back, Rodney shook his head. "No touching yet."

"Nng." John protested wordlessly, but he did drop his hands.

"Good." He took another bite of pudding, swallowing it. The next bite he leaned in once again, sharing it with John.

This time, John must have anticipated. As soon as Rodney's mouth was on his, John's tongue was dipping inside, chasing pudding.

They moaned into the kiss, Rodney finally managing to back off, but only long enough to take another bite.

John was leaking steadily now, his cock leaving wet trails where it bobbed against his stomach as he shifted around the couch.

They finished off the pudding cup that way, ending up breathing heavily as they leaned into each other. "Ready…ready for dessert?" Rodney finally asked, his last piece of his lunch plan approached.

John nodded, reduced to panting again.

Rodney leaned back, rising to his feet and stepping to the side. "Stand up, John."

It took his lover a moment, but he finally did, rising to his feet slowly. Naked, his natural grace, the way he was comfortable in his own skin, was very obvious.

Grabbing John's cock, he tugged him forward again. "A quick trip."

"Y…yes Rodney." John followed, obedient.

They made it into the bedroom without incident, Rodney positioning John in front of the bed. He made a few adjustments before stepping back, letting John stand there for several long moments. And then Rodney took a step forward and shoved—hard.

With a yelp, John went flying, landing on his back in the middle of the bed, Rodney following him a moment later, straddling him, kissing him. Screw the "no come on the uniform" thing. He'd change.

John made a noise deep in his throat, his body almost arching up off the bed into Rodney. "God, yes, more please..."

"Do you trust me, John?"

His lover responded immediately, with no hesitation. "Yes."

"Then just lay back and relax."

John licked his lips again, then lifted his hands, putting them over his head. He also spread his legs as much as he could in this position, putting himself on display for Rodney's pleasure.

Rodney held back a moan, but shifted, crawling to the bedside table and the items he'd left there. He didn't have a lot of time right now, but he wanted to get John ready for later. Moving to the foot of the bed, he lightly touched John's leg before fastening the leather cuff around it, locking it in place before he attached it to the tether. He'd tighten it down later.

John's cock gave a hard twitch, and before Rodney could move to the other leg, his lover had mirrored the position, moving it so Rodney could attach the second cuff.

"Thanks," he whispered, his hands shaking a little as he secured the second cuff.

As soon as it was in place, John relaxed back into the bed, making soft, content little noises deep in his chest.

Rodney tightened everything down and took a deep breath. "Okay. Now it's time for dessert—for me."

John pulled at his legs a little, then moaned when he couldn't close his legs. "Oh god, so good... Rodney, oh Rodney..."

Letting his hands trail up John's legs, feeling the muscles, the tremors, Rodney smiled, trying to get his heart to calm. He wanted to make this good for John. Leaning down he took his lover into his mouth, sucking hard.

"Oh fuck!" John cried out, his shoulders coming up off the bed and curling forward as his body trembled with the pleasure.

Rodney simply sucked him, using his teeth, his tongue, and his mouth to drive his lover wild.

"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...." It seemed to be the only word John was capable of at the moment.

Ignoring him for the moment, Rodney continued, loving the feel and taste of his lover. He was going to enjoy every bit of his dessert.

John's begging eventually descended into wordless sounds. His cock, when Rodney could see it on the upstrokes, was darker and bigger than he had ever seen it—the ring was doing its job, preventing his lover from coming.

When Rodney thought John had had enough, he shifted, his hand clasping the release. With a hard suck, Rodney tugged it free.

John came with a scream, his body convulsing and his cock shooting out an impressive amount of liquid.

Rodney drank it all down, milking John for every last drop. When he was finally slumped back against the bed, Rodney licked him clean and put the ring back on. After untying his legs and leaving the cuffs in place, Rodney gently turned John onto his stomach and grabbed the lube. He coated his fingers and then set about stretching his lover, loving his moans of pleasure. Once Rodney was sure he was open enough, he coated the plug and settled it in place.

"Ooooooh..." John sighed, and Rodney could see him clenching around the plug. "Mmmmmmm...."

"That'll come out only if you have to go to the bathroom."

"Y...yes Rodney. Oh... leaving it in... all day? Am I... going back to... work?" John was rocking now, back and forth, like he was meeting thrusts.

"Yes. You're going to get dressed and work the rest of the day. If I want you, I'll call."

John moaned. "Y…yes. Be in my office... the rest of the afternoon."

"And I…no touching…I don't want you touching yourself. I just want you to feel."

"Oh, god... Peeing? Can I... or should I come to you?"

"Call me. I'll decide then."

"'Kay."

"Which office are you using?"

"Which one do you want me to use?"

Rodney huffed. "I want you to answer the question."

"Um... I was... in the one... number three."

"Which is?"

John panted for a moment before answering. "View. Has a view."

Rodney nodded. "Good. I'm going to be doing repairs on the East Pier for most of the afternoon." He reached forward, untying the blindfold. "You need to get dressed."

John didn't move, just rested his head on the bed, leaving his ass up in the air.

Shifting off the bed, Rodney picked up the clothes John had scattered around the bedroom, leaving them on the bed as he moved to change his own clothing.

When he turned around, he saw John still hadn't moved, except for the occasional twitch of limbs.

"That wasn't a suggestion, John."

"I know... Just... trying to... get myself... feels so good, just being here like this."

Rodney paused, realizing that he probably had pushed John a little too much. "I'm sorry. I just…I thought this would be okay…that we'd have enough time."

"Wasn't a complaint." John finally moved, rolling over. His expression was relaxed, almost blissful. "Just the opposite. Feel really, really good right now. Relaxed. Don't really want to go back to work."

"Neither of us have much of a choice."

"I know." John finally got into action, crawling to the clothes and slowly starting to get dressed.

"And make sure you keep your schedule open," Rodney said, tugging on new uniform pants, careful not to injure his own erection. In a few minutes he'd be fine and the repairs would take his mind off it.

John caught the movement, and his eyes seemed to focus, like lasers, on the front of Rodney's pants. "I could help you out with that."

"I'll be fine."

John licked his lips, then slid off the bed to his knees. He opened his mouth, giving Rodney a hopeful look.

Rodney groaned. "John…I’m fine."

His lover gave a little half-whine, keeping his mouth open.

"You have to get back to work," Rodney protested.

John closed his eyes and hummed softly.

Rodney sighed, closing his own eyes as his cock reminded him that it was very hard and angry with him with now.

The next thing he knew, a hot mouth was mouthing him through the fabric. Oh god. John had crawled over to him.

He whimpered, knowing he should be pushing John away. They had to go to work. But he couldn't. His body ached for his lover. But this was supposed to be about John, not about him. John. This was John's day…

John was humming, still mouthing him. He looked up, through his eyelashes. "Please, Rodney. Please let me taste you. Please let me go back to work with you on the back of my tongue."

Rodney felt John guiding him a few steps back until his back hit the wall.

Clever fingers had his fly open, and then John was pulling him out just like that, through his boxers and BDUs. Both. "May I suck you? Please?" John was breathless with want.

All Rodney could do was nod, his voice lost in the sensations.

With a moan, John sucked him down, enthusiastically sucking and licking.

It didn't take long before Rodney was sobbing and moaning, his hands threading through John's thick hair, rubbing and stroking his scalp.

It made John purr, which in turn just drove Rodney a little bit closer to orgasm.

But even as close as he came, with the cock ring still in place he wasn't coming anytime soon.

Backing off, John sucked just on the head of Rodney's dick, looking up again. He traced a finger around the ring, and Rodney could read the question there.

"It's yours, John…" he managed to pant, his body trembling.

"Mmmmmmmmm." John made happy noises all around Rodney, and then the ring loosened.

Rodney groaned, his knees threatening to give out.

John just went back to sucking and licking. From the noises and what Rodney could see of the look on his face—he was fast moving into the "blissed out" territory—just from blowing Rodney.

With a soft "John", Rodney felt his lover pick up the pace, effortlessly bringing him right over the edge, his climax rolling through his body in breath-stealing waves.

John drank it all down, then licked Rodney completely clean. Instead of tucking him right back away, John rested his head against Rodney's thigh, his nose pressed against Rodney's much happier dick.

They stayed like that for a long moment before Rodney's knees finally gave out and he slid to the floor, a half-dressed John cradled in his lap.

"Mmmm."

"We have to go back to work," Rodney said without enthusiasm.

"Yeah. But this was a fantastic lunch break." John sounded a lot more relaxed than he had been earlier. "I'll be on call for you all day."

"John…" Rodney started, not sure how this would work given their current mode of play.

"Hmm?"

"My…ring. How…how did you want to deal with it?"

His lover reached down between them, tracing it with his finger. "I can leave it on you, just loose enough so you can come when you want, if you don't want to take it off."

"It's yours, John."

John's hand moved up, so it was resting against Rodney's chest. "I'll do that, then. No matter what we try today, you're still mine. This doesn't change that. I like having something to remind us both."

Something inside Rodney unclenched and he wrapped his arms around John. "Thanks."

"I should be thanking you." John relaxed into Rodney's arms. "For doing this for me. I... like being touched, like having pleasure, without having to plan it all out. I absolutely love being your top—I wouldn't give that up for anything—but thank you, for letting me have this. You're giving me exactly what I needed."

"I'm…glad. Good. We still need to go to work."

John tilted his head, pressing sloppy kisses against Rodney's neck. "Yeah. But we'll have tonight, and anything you want this afternoon and tomorrow morning. All yours, anything you've ever wanted to try on me but have never had the chance."

"Work, John," Rodney said softly, but firmly.

His lover looked up, grinning softly. But he did sit up, slowly pulling away. "Sucks to have to be the firm one, huh?"

"If we want to play we need to keep it discreet. We both know that."

"We always do." John reached out, caressing Rodney's face. "But we've done it before, with no problems. I trust you to do what you're comfortable with. I'll be happy no matter what, just because you tried this, for me, to fulfill my fantasy. Thank you."

Rodney turned his head into John's palm, pressing a kiss in the center as he closed his eyes for a long moment, just letting himself feel.

They stayed that way for several minutes, just connected, before John sighed softly. "Come on, buddy. Let's get presentable."

"I thought I asked you to do that several minutes ago," Rodney said opening his eyes, his gaze holding a hint of gratefulness and humor.

John chuckled. "You did. I'm just a bad boy. Maybe you'll have to spank me later, to teach me a lesson." he swiped a thumb over Rodney's lips once before letting his hand drop, and pushing himself up.

Spanking…he wasn’t sure he could do that. There was just something about raising his hand to his dom, his master, that just wasn't right.

John's eyes, which were dancing, told him his lover probably knew that. He held down a hand to pull Rodney to his feet.

After letting John tug him up—and managing to keep his pants on—Rodney gestured for John to get on with his own dressing. "The faster you get ready the faster we can snack this afternoon."

With another quiet laugh, John gave a half-salute and returned to his clothing pile, quickly getting everything back into place. When he was done, he actually twirled once. "How do I look?"

Rodney nodded. "Fine. Nothing shows." He'd been looking to make sure.

John nodded once. "All right. You know where to find me, and you can get me on the radio, too." He did a little shimmy, pleasure flickering across his face. "God, this feels fantastic."

Rodney blushed slightly, offering a shy smile. "Good. I'm glad you're enjoying it…this."

Crossing the room, John wrapped his arms around Rodney, pressing a light kiss against his lips. "I am, very much. Thank you. This is perfect."

Taking the opportunity presented, Rodney lightly smacked John's ass. "Work."

John's grin was easy, more carefree, than Rodney had seen in a long time. "Yes, dear."

Rodney opened his mouth to protest that he wasn't John's wife, but quickly snapped it shut. He was in a way. "I'll give you a call later."

John's expression gentled; he traced one finger down the side of Rodney's face. "I'll be looking forward to it."

"Go, John."

Lips quirking, John stepped back, the sauntered out of the room, hips swaying.

It took Rodney a few minutes to get himself back into some semblance of order once John left, straightening up the room to prepare to tonight's activities. He wanted to use a few things and would rather not have to dig for it later.

Ten minutes later he was already headed down to the East Pier, having picked up his tools from the science lab on the way. His mind, though, was on John and on what they were doing. It was…different, hot and strange—for him at least.

He only lasted twenty minutes into the repair before he was calling Sheppard on the radio.

"Hi, Rodney." He could almost hear the smile in his lover's voice.

Rodney shifted back on his heels, his eyes on the circuit, but his mind several buildings away. "What are you doing?"

"Paperwork, in my office. I like this office. No one except you ever comes and finds me here."

"The door open or closed?"

"Closed."

"Locked?"

There was a brief pause. "Now it is, yes."

"Good, ah…very good." Rodney took a breath, glancing around the area he already knew was deserted. It was always better to be safe than sorry. "I want you to open your pants and pull yourself out."

When John answered, it was more of a purr than anything else. "Mmmmm, 'kay. Now what?"

And then Rodney freaked out—just a bit. The words were rushed, but emphatic. "Stay like that for a while. I'll call back. No touching."

He heard John's groan as he cut the connection.

What the hell was he doing? He had to work. This repair had to get done and it had to be done right which was why he was out here in the first place.

But instead he was going to have phone sex with John. Well, foreplay with John. He wasn't allowed to come yet.

Rodney sighed and settled into the job, pushing the thoughts of John out of his head. The thoughts of John with his cock hanging out of his pants in his office not touching…

Rodney groaned and banged his head against the wall. This was so unfair.

Okay. He could do this.

Setting his mind to the job at hand, Rodney got to work.

He lasted fifteen minutes—and only because of his fierce determination. "McKay to Sheppard."

"Please tell me this is a private channel and you're going to let me do something." John sounded a little breathless.

"I…um…" Rodney glanced down, checking his radio. Team channel. Whoops. "Ah…switch to channel six."

"Switching now."

It took a few seconds for Rodney to hear the click that indicated John had joined him. "You here?"

"Oh god, Rodney, I need to do something. I'm getting shit done because all I can think about is how fucking hard I am and it's taking pretty much ever ounce of willpower I have not to just jerk myself until I come."

"No. No touching. And besides, you're wearing the ring. Right? It's still on?"

John actually whimpered. "Y...yeah. Still on. And I'm sitting in my office hanging out and god this is so fucking hot..."

"If you can find me in ten minutes I'll help you out."

"I'm assuming I can tuck myself away first?"

"If you want to go for discreet, I'd suggest it. Careful though. Don't want anything to happen prematurely. Oh, and the clock is ticking. Nine minutes forty-five seconds."

John uttered a curse, and didn't even bother to sign off—the line just suddenly went dead.

Rodney took a deep breath to steady his nerves and continued working, his eye on the time.

It was right at the ten-minute mark when John came around the corner. A faint sheen of sweat was covering all the visible skin, and he was breathing hard, suggesting he had been sprinting at his top speed.

"Five," Rodney said, his eyebrow raised as John realized he was so very close. "Four."

He put on a burst of speed and dropped to his knees at the same time Rodney said "Zero." He was panting, head down as he tried to catch his breath, and even with the exercise, the bulge in his pants was visible from this angle.

Rodney waited a few moments, letting John collect himself. "I see you found me."

"E…vil." John looked up at him, a drop of sweat rolling from his hairline, down the curve of his jaw, and then dropping into his t-shirt.

"I wasn't sure if you'd make it."

"Asked... Atlantis... Nicely."

"Oh yeah. She just rolls over anytime you ask her something, doesn't she?"

John's look turned a little wary. "Sometimes, yes. Depends on how I ask. She doesn't think, not really. It's more like querying a computer. You have to know how to put the ones and zeros in the right order so it understands."

"Uh huh. And Atlantis can find me."

"That's one of the few things I worked on long enough, until I made her understand exactly what I was asking for. I always want to be able to find you, at a moment's notice."

Rodney's eyes had widened. "Oh."

His lover shrugged. "It's sort of like she's tagged your life sign. So as long as you're in the city, she can tell me where you are. I went ahead and did the same for the rest of the senior staff and a few other key personnel, once I figured it out. It seemed handy to be able to do, like if we're ever invaded again. But you were the only one I really wanted."

"Did you tag yourself?"

Startled, John shook his head. "Actually... no. It never occurred to me. Try looking for Beckett so you can get a feel for what I did. Then I'll have her tag me, and you can tell me if it worked."

"Later," Rodney said, knowing he had other things on his mind. And besides, John had made it to the East Pier in ten minutes. "Right now I want to taste you. Stand up for me."

Hazel almost disappeared as John's arousal roared to the front again. He rose to his feet, the bulge even more impressive now.

"Take yourself out, please."

John was panting for a different reason now. He quickly pulled his erection back out. It was red and leaking at the tip.

"Mmm. That looks really nice."

"Please..."

Rodney shifted forward, his eyes scanning the area before coming to rest on John's cock. He blew air lightly across the tip, getting John to let out a moan and a shudder.

"Ooooooh." John swayed. "Please, please, please..."

"Shhh….we'll get there. I promised."

John whimpered again, but was otherwise silent, his hands clenching and unclenching against his sides.

Rodney blew against John's cock again, watching as it twitched along with the rest of his lover's body. A moment later he gently sucked him down, wrapping his lips around the tip, licking the end.

"Oh god oh fuck Rodney feels so good I want to come please please please..."

Rodney let go, smiling up at John. "You will. I promise."

John just moaned, on hand threading into Rodney's hair.

"You trust me, right?"

His lover nodded, willing to follow wherever Rodney wanted to lead him today.

"Good." Rodney smiled before kissing the tip of John's dick, taking the tip into his mouth a moment later. He sucked at the tip, savoring the taste of his lover and listening to his moans. They were in a public hallway so they didn't have long. After a few more sucks, he shifted, taking more of John into his mouth. A quick movement and the ring was unhooked.

John's breath was coming in fast little pants. "Please... tell me... that means I.... can come... because I... don't think I... can hold back much...longer."

Rodney just sucked harder.

"Oh, yeah, fuck..." And John was coming, hard.

Rodney closed his eyes and drank John down, every last drop. It was perfect and he tasted amazing. Once John stopped shuddering, Rodney licked him clean and put the ring back on, buttoning John back up. "Okay then. Back to work."

"Nngh."

Patting John's leg, Rodney moved back to the circuit he was trying to fix. He could finally focus.

After a few moments, fingers combed through his hair once, smoothing it down, and John kissed him very lightly on top of the head. Rodney heard him start to whistle as he headed back for the city.

"Just be ready, John," Rodney said quietly, not even sure his lover heard him.

He didn't get a response, and after a moment, even the sound of his off-key tune disappeared.

Rodney worked well for the next hour before the itch started again. It was strange. Odd. Peculiar. He tapped his radio. "McKay to Sheppard."

"Sheppard here." His lover sounded cheerful.

"Busy?"

"More paperwork. I swear they're inventing forms for me to fill out."

"They might be," Rodney said, putting his tools away. His repair was finished—finally. "They know you have nothing better to do right now than fill out forms and wade through mountains of red tape."

"I wouldn't put it past them. I mean, right now? I'm filling out a form for how many personnel have died and come back in the past six months. What the hell?"

"Better than requisitions for feminine hygiene products."

"I'll leave that for Beckett." Rodney could picture the shudder.

"Want a break?" He stepped into the transporter and hit the button for the remote area of the science labs.

"Always." John's voice warmed. "Want me to meet you anywhere?"

"Supply closet six."

"On my way now."

Rodney was only a few steps away once he emerged from the transporter. A quick glance around the hall before he stepped inside showed it was clear. He deposited his tools on the floor near the door before leaning against the back wall.

John wasn't all that far behind, showing up about five minutes later. He immediately crossed the room to Rodney, putting his arms around his waist.

Smiling, Rodney leaned in, meeting John's lips in a soft kiss.

"Hi." John returned the smile.

"I want to watch you come for me," Rodney said quietly.

He could feel John's shudder, but he nodded, rubbing his groin against Rodney's leg. "How do you want to do it?"

"Your hand. Nothing else."

Moaning, John took a step back, to lean against the wall. He spread his legs, then unbuttoned his BDUs, pulling himself out again. He started slow, working himself to full hardness.

He was…beautiful. "Take off the ring."

Swallowing hard, John flicked the catch, pulling it off and putting it between his teeth while his hand returned to his cock.

"God…John. Do you know how you look?" He looked hot and so edible. Rodney's own cock was hard and aching, but this was about John.

"Mmmmmm..." John's eyes were dark again, but he kept up the slow pace. A faint blush stained his cheeks at Rodney's praise.

"Harder, John. I want to hear you."

His lover's breath sped up right along with his hand. He was leaking a bit at the tip again.

"Do you feel it building? The need for release?"

John nodded before his head thunked back against the wall, and his legs spread a little wider.

Rodney smiled, watching John's cock as it slid in and out of John's hand. Beautiful. "Harder. Add a twist at the end that I know you like."

With a whimper, John complied. His other hand started to creep up his chest, toward his nipples.

"No," Rodney said sharply. "Just your hand on your dick."

John made another noise of protest, but his free hand fell back to his side. The hand on his dick started to speed up, his hips thrusting a little into it now.

"That's it, John. Make it good."

With a long, drawn out moan, John started to really pump himself. And then he was coming, shooting hard before sliding along the wall until his ass bumped the floor, his body still twitching a little.

God. Rodney could feel his pulse pounding in his veins, feel his own need and desire just from watching. John was wrecked and it was all by his own hand. It took him a few minutes to get himself under control, to move to John—paper towels in hand.

John's eyes didn't even open. When he sensed Rodney close, he just leaned, half falling into his startled arms. "L've you."

"Love you," Rodney whispered. "You were amazing. Thank you."

"Mmmmm. S'very good. You're awesome."

"It was all you," Rodney said quietly, cleaning up John as best he could, his touch gentle. "It always is."

John turned his face, pressing sloppy kisses into Rodney's neck. "What about you? Need to come?"

"I'm fine." It took a few more minutes to finish, putting the leather ring back as soon as he was done. He shifted John with careful hands, buttoning his BDUs back into place and straightening his lover's shirt. Right now all Rodney wanted to do was curl into bed with him, but they both had jobs to do, work to do.

He shifted back a little, letting his hand rest on John's thigh. "You okay?"

John hummed softly, nodding. "Very relaxed. Thank you."

"We're not done. Still plenty of time."

Making a happy noise, John opened his eyes long enough to find Rodney's mouth, claiming a dirty, sexy kiss full of promise. When he finally sat back, he smiled. "So back to work again?"

Rodney nodded, panting a little, his arousal growing again. But it wasn't time for him. This was for John. "Yes. I have a few short meetings this afternoon and I know you have things to do."

"I think I'm going to head to the gym for a bit and get a workout in. Will you need me for the next hour or so?"

"It should be fine, but come find me when you're done."

"Okay." John leaned in for another quick kiss. "Love you."

"Just don't injure yourself too badly. I have plans."

John chuckled as he climbed to his feet. "I'm not planning on a heavy workout. I just don't want to lose my field muscle while I'm restricted to base. I'm going to lift some weights—you're giving me all the cardio I need today." At the last, John shot him am impish grin.

Rolling his eyes, Rodney shooed him out the door. "An hour."

"You betcha. Will you be in the labs?"

"I’m sure you can find me."

Laughing softly, John held down a hand to pull Rodney to his feet. "That I can. All right, see you in an hour. I'll be thinking about you."

"I sincerely hope so after all this work I've put into this," Rodney grumbled, but offered a smile. "Come find me in an hour."

John stole another fast kiss, then tossed him a salute and a smile before wandering back out again.

Rodney straightened himself out, retrieving his tools before heading to the labs. It didn't take long before he was immersed in his work, going over various projects with his staff. They were short meetings, mostly in-project checks, but still necessary.

When he heard a throat clearing at some point later, he glanced up, spotting John. "Oh good. You're here. Wait in my office? I'll be right there."

"Sure," his lover drawled, flashing a smile at Radek working nearby before sauntering into Rodney's office.

Rodney continued for a few minutes more, correcting a few of Simpson's equations. He knew there were some problems and so had she—which was why she'd been reluctant to give him an update.

A hand suddenly appeared on his shoulder, massaging slightly. "If you're busy, I can come back later."

"No," Rodney said immediately, before softening his voice. "I thought I asked you to wait in my office."

"You did—about fifteen minutes ago." John smiled, finding a small knot and starting to work on rubbing it out.

Rodney groaned but straightened. "Fifteen? No. It can't be." He shifted, dislodging John's hands. "And while I wouldn't complain normally this is the middle of the science lab and there's people here. My office. Please."

John let his hand drop, nodding. "All right. I'll be in there when you're done. Mind if I use the computer there while you work out here?"

"Sure. Go ahead. Also get yourself ready for me."

One eyebrow went up. "I could take that one of a half-dozen ways, just off hand. Any way in particular you had in mind?"

"Let's see if you can read my mind. If you're right, you'll know." Rodney turned back to his computer. "I'll be right there."

John's husky chuckle faded as he walked back into the office.

Rodney finished a few more lines, pleased to see that Simpson wasn't a complete idiot. "Radek, I'll finish this in a few minutes. I need to discuss something with Sheppard and don't want to be disturbed for about ten minutes. Once he gets himself back on off-world missions, there are a few planets we need to check out immediately and I refuse to take no for an answer any longer."

Radek grunted his agreement. "With the first contact teams reduced to only one, many of our science needs have taken a back seat. It will be good to have you able to run both again. He will be returned to duty soon, yes?"

"Only Kate knows, but he better be. I have no intention of breaking in another team leader."

Chuckling, the Czech nodded. "Yes. They are difficult to housebreak."

Rodney sighed, locking down his workstation. "I'll be back in ten minutes."

When Rodney walked into his office, the sight that greeted him was stunning, to say the least. John had stripped his shirt completely off, and one hand was toying with a nipple. His BDUs were unbuttoned, and he had himself pulled out, sprawled in Rodney's desk chair with his legs spread wide while he slowly stroked himself.

Taking a deep breath, Rodney smiled. Perfect. "Enjoying yourself?"

John's grin was lazy. "It would be better if you were over here, instead of over there."

"I’m looking. Enjoying the scenery."

"Like what you see?" John's hand moved down, to fondle his balls a bit.

"Yes. I always do. I could spend hours watching you, looking at you," Rodney said softly as he approached. He knew he didn't have a lot of time and he wanted John to enjoy this.

John's eyes darkened further, the hazel almost gone. "We'll have to do that some time. I like having you watch me."

"Another time, maybe," Rodney said, dropping to his knees and turning the chair to face him. His hands were gentle as he unsnapped the cock ring.

With a groan, John arched a bit. "Mmmm, forgot how good that feels, to wear one, have it come off and on..."

Rodney shifted forward, his hands on John's knees, spreading him a little wider. "I’m going to taste you and I want you to come whenever you feel like it. Okay?"

One hand buried itself in Rodney's hair as John moaned his agreement.

He tried to make it good, wanted to feel John—taste him—for the rest of the afternoon. John was heavy on his tongue, the taste bitter and perfect. Sucking at the very tip he got to work quickly, using every last trick he knew to get John off as fast as possible.

His lover was reduced satisfyingly quickly to wordless sounds of pleasure. It didn't take long before he was coming down Rodney's throat, pouring out everything he had.

Rodney swallowed it all, loving every drop. He licked John clean once he was soft and then rose, pressing his lips to John's even as the other man continued to pant.

John just moaned, opening up for Rodney, letting him slip inside.

After a long moment, Rodney finally backed off, offering a smile. "Stay as long as you need. But I'm also picking the first mission when you're back on our team—if anyone asks."

"'Kay." John's smile was completely open, almost loopy with the pleasure.

Pressing another quick kiss to John's lips, he stood, heading to the door. "I may want to see you again before dinner."

John hummed softly.

"And no playing Solitaire on my computer."

The chuckle he got in response was husky, dirty. "Maybe."

Rodney snorted as he headed back out into the lab, Radek ignoring him as he settled back down at his workstation. John had one more blowjob coming to him before dinner and then they could continue a little more privately.

If he didn't screw it up, it would be good. He hoped.

***

 


	3. Chapter 3

John hummed to himself as he walked back to his own office, loose-limbed and feeling pretty damn good. He hoped Rodney was enjoying the little bit of role-reversal, too—John felt fucking fantastic about it at the moment.    

He was almost to his office and the relative safety it offered for him to lean back and just think about Rodney, and Rodney’s hands, and Rodney’s mouth, when he was waylaid.

"Sir," Lorne said more or less sneaking up behind him. "I've been looking for you."

"Mmm? I was consulting with McKay. What can I do for you?" He waved a lazy hand as his door, ushering the other man inside ahead of him.

"I wanted to go over the next mission with you. The last few have been anything except a picnic."

John huffed his agreement, dropping into a chair. "I know. I've been reading the reports. Welcome to my world, Major."

Lorne snorted, but settled into the chair across from John, leaning back to get comfortable. "I'd rather you had it, sir. Honestly, how do you and your team manage to pull the shit missions?"

He shrugged. "My theory is collective bad karma. But if it makes you feel any better, I'm hoping to take my team back soon. I'm getting restless, and I'm hoping Kate will clear me again soon."

"You and me and all of your team is hoping the same thing, sir."

John smiled. "Nice to know I'm missed. No offense, but I was a little worried they wouldn't want me back."

Lorne rolled his eyes. "They'd rather have you in charge and honestly, I don't want your job—bad karma or not." He paused, shifting in his seat. "So is there anything I need to know about first contact missions and your team? Teyla is supposed to do all the talking, but it's not working. Something always goes wrong, and I hate to say it, but it's been McKay. Intentional or unintentional, it's happened."

Although he didn't show it, almost everything in John tensed up at that. "It's your job to make sure that doesn't happen. I know you don't want to hear that, but McKay is... he's brilliant, and useful, and absolutely necessary out there. And he's also impatient, egotistical, and has a strong opinion about most things, not to mention, he gets distracted by things like energy signals easily. When we're in the field, it's one of my top priorities to keep an eye on him, and know when its time to run interference or find an excuse to move him to another area."

"I've kept an eye on him," Lorne said, leaning forward, his expression intent. "He's been quiet, too quiet. And it's not really his fault that things happen. It just seems to all revolve around him."

Nodding slowly, John tapped his chin. "I've noticed he's been a little...strained of late, too. But he hasn't told me why. Actually, I was hoping to sit down with you eventually to see if you knew what was bothering him, if something had happened in the field."

"He listens to orders. He keeps his mouth shut. Granted he punched someone, but that was just a misunderstanding—and that was understandable. Anyone could have reacted the same way." He sighed quietly. "I know he doesn't like the diplomatic missions, but the last science mission was a wash out that wasn't his fault."

"So basically he's having a run of spectacularly bad luck, worse than our usual run. And it's starting to make him worry about his place in the grand scheme of things."

Lorne shrugged. "I don't know. He seems fine. I've tried talking to him, but he says nothing's wrong. But right now I'm more worried about the missions in general. Is there something I’m missing?"

John shook his head. "Nothing that I'm not missing too, to be honest." Running a hand through his hair, John leaned back. "And Elizabeth is adamant that we not cut back on your schedule at all. Because that would be my top suggestion—it could just be the stress, and a bit of a break could be what he needs."

"He doesn't seem stressed," Lorne said.

"That's because McKay stress and everyone else stress are completely different. When he's yelling and shouting, that means everything's normal. It's when he gets quiet that you have to start worrying."

"I know that."

"Look that would be my suggestion. Scale back a bit, and see if that helps. I'll try to find out what's bothering him, and with a little luck, I'll be back on duty soon."

"So just keep doing what I'm doing, then and hope like hell nothing else happens?"

"I'm not sure what else I can suggest." John sighed softly. "Believe me, if I had any better ideas I'd share them. He's my teammate and friend—I don't want anything to happen to him."

"So let Teyla keep doing what she's doing."

"Teyla is probably the only member of my team who always knows what she's doing. It's the rest of us you have to watch out for." Chuckling, John gave a sheepish grin.

"Unfortunately that doesn't inspire much confidence."

"Yeah, keep Ronon from shooting random people, McKay from wandering off or causing an incident, and stay out of Teyla's way while she's doing the real work. That's pretty much how most missions go with my team. I'm sort of the babysitter, and occasional 'shoot the bad guy' person."

Lorne sighed and nodded as he rose. "Fine, sir. I should let you get back to work."

"You could suggest to Kate that it's essential to your emotional health that I be returned to full duty again as soon as possible. Having the two ranking officers on base both going bat-shit insane would be a bad precedent to set."

"I tried that already, sir."

"What did she say?"

"That I’m not allowed to rush things."

Rolling his eyes. John made a rude noise. "I wouldn't wish my job on anyone, least of all you. I actually like you, Lorne. I feel sort of bad you've gotten stuck with this. I'll talk to her again, and see if we can't get this cleared up ASAP."

Lorne nodded. "I should get going."

"I'll keep you posted. I feel fine. There's no reason to keep putting this off."

"Of course, sir. Have a good night."

"You, too." John rose, standing until the door had closed behind his XO. Dropping back into his chair, he thought for a few minutes before tapping his radio on. "Sheppard to Heightmeyer."

It took a long moment for her to reply. "John? Is there a problem?"

"Do you have a minute?"

"I….yes, of course."

"I'll be down to join you shortly. Sheppard out." Rising, he quickly started for Kate's office. He didn't know when Rodney would call again, and he wanted to make sure he was done with this before that happened.

Kate was at her desk when he arrived, offering a concerned smile as soon as she spotted him. "John, please come in."

He dropped into his usual chair across from her. "I need you to clear me to take my team back before my second loses his mind."

Kate sighed quietly. "The Major and I discussed this earlier and I don't think you're ready for full duty, yet."

"Kate, Lorne is under too much pressure. Not to mention, the base needs two first-contact teams. Not only is he starting to show signs of strain, the rest of my team is, too. They need me back on duty."

"I thought you were worried about being out of control. What's changed?"

He let out a frustrated huff. "I was... am. Still am. But I can't just sit here on base while people need me out there. Not to mention, to be perfectly honest, I really miss going through the gate, being out there with my team, flying."

"If you're still worried about it then you're not ready. I’m sorry, John."

"I'm always going to be worried about it. It's part of who I am, part of what I have to do. I'm a soldier—that means I have to be a killer when the situation demands it. I have no choice. Every soldier worries about keeping that part of them locked away until it's needed."

Kate shook her head. "I'm sorry, John. I can't sign off on you yet."

"When? Give me a time frame here. Give me something. I feel better—what more do I need to do here?"

"I'm glad you feel better and you are sounding more like yourself, but this is something that can't be rushed and I can't put a time frame on it. I’m sorry."

He slouched back into the chair, letting his head fall back as far as it would go. He wanted to press the issue, but knew from experience that it would only come back to bite him in the ass later.

"I'm not doing this just because I can. I really want to help you."

"I know." He huffed. "But while I sit around talking about my childhood and dissecting my psyche, my base is slowly starting to unravel. I'm worried about Lorne, Rodney, Ronon, Teyla..."

Kate straightened. "What's wrong with Rodney?"

"He's quiet. Lorne was just in my office looking for advice on what to do. He's not doing anything wrong, but the last few missions, he's had a bad run of luck. And he's not talking to me about what's wrong either. But I haven't been there, I haven't seen what's going on, so there's not much I can do about it."

"And him being quiet on a mission when you've specifically asked him to is bad?"

John lifted his head, giving her a huff. "It's hard to explain. He acts one way in the field—deviations are a cause for concern."

"I can talk to him, but I'm not sure what good it will do."

"It won't." He sighed. "I need to be back out there."

"Soon."

He ran another hand through his hair. "Fine. I'm going to go try and get a few more things done today before I end my shift."

Kate rose to her feet, offering another smile. "It will be soon, John. Just bear with me."

He rose, giving her a wry smile. "I hope so. Thanks."

"Anytime."

With another sigh, he wandered back out. He didn't really want to go back to his office. Tapping his radio, John started for the apartment. "Sheppard to McKay."

"Yes, what?" He sounded distracted.

"Just wanted to let you know I'm going to work in the office in the suite for the rest of the day if you need me."

"Oh," Rodney said, a long pause before he continued, his brain obviously re-winding a little. "Why? Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing to worry about. Just wanted to let you know where I would be. I'll see you when you get off later."

"Ah…don't go in the bedroom."

John blinked, then had to grin. "I won't. I'll either be in the living room, or the office."

"The small half-bath should be clean. I think." Rodney paused again. "And can you pick up dinner?"

"Sure. Let me know when you'll be getting off soon, and I'll go grab us something." John stepped off the transporter, making his way to the suite.

"Ah…two hours. Tops. Usual time. At least I thought that should be fine, that we were working the day and all." The words were a little tense, stilted.

"Perfect. I still have a few things I need to get done too." He paused, realizing he needed to give Rodney a bit more reassurance. "I just came from chatting with Kate, and she still won't give me a time frame for returning to duty. I just don't want to go back to my office, so I figured the suite would be a good alternative."

Rodney's words quieted, more of a whisper. John could picture him hunched over his computer workstation as he tried to hold a private conversation in the middle of the main lab. "Why did you talk to Kate? Did something happen? I didn't do anything…send you on any kind of mental…" John could picture Rodney's hand waving as he tried to come up with the word.

"No, Rodney, I'm fine, really." John stepped inside, kicking off his shoes. "Lorne came to talk to me, and was looking more than a little frazzled. I went to Kate to try and convince her to clear me to return to full duty before he hands in his resignation. Trying to do half of my job and his own is starting to get to him I think. He's a good man, I don't want to be the one to break him."

"He's doing a good job," Rodney said after a long moment. "Smarter than most of your other grunts."

"Exactly. He's very good, a better second than I could have asked for. I don't want to run him into the ground, and I'm worried that leading the only first-contact team, in addition to everything else is starting to wear on him. And he's not the only one I'm worried about. You, Teyla, and Ronon are all pulling double-duty too, with Lorne's regular team off first-contacts. But Kate won't clear me yet, and the more I try and protest it, the more time I add to my down-time, so I'm trying not to protest too loudly or too often. I did bring this on myself. I'm just… I miss being out there with you guys. And talking to Lorne brought it to the front of my mind again. That's all."

"Oh." Rodney was quiet for a moment and John heard a slight squeak in the background as Rodney shifted in his chair. "We’re okay…the team. It's not the way it should be, but we're okay. It'll be fine until Kate clears you. We all know it's not permanent."

"I know. But you shouldn't have to. Be without me, I mean. Lorne's good, but… he's not me, and it's hard to stay behind, knowing you guys are out there, possibly in danger, and I can't do anything about it." He dropped into the desk chair, starting to boot his computer so he could log in. "But don't worry about it, okay? I'm really fine. That's part of why I went to see Kate. I feel better than fine, so staying on the reduced duty is… well, nothing I can do about it now. I'd rather think about our 'meeting' earlier, and what you had to say. I'm looking forward to continuing the conversation tonight." He tried to put as much sex appeal in his voice as he could risk on an unsecured channel.

There was another long pause before Rodney continued, his voice quiet. "Yes. I am, too. I should get off in about two hours and I hear there's meatloaf tonight."

"I'll have it waiting when you get here. See you soon." Since he couldn't sign off with 'love you' that was the best he could do to try and reassure his lover.

"Yes. Soon. McKay out."

John turned off his radio, and brought up the reports he had been working on earlier. He absolutely loved that Rodney had networked the computers they used in their various offices together, so either of them could work from wherever they wanted without carting machines around.

Of course that didn't stop him from hauling around the one laptop he considered his favorite. Granted, the fact that he'd supped it up with all the best—human and Ancient technology—could have been the reason. If the rest of the department found out what he'd done, they'd be demanding their own custom-made machines and there was no way Rodney had the temperament or the time to do that.

Grinning to himself, John set an alarm on the computer to go off in an hour and a half, and then returned his focus to the miles of paperwork the SGC and IOA required. He was half-tempted to convince Elizabeth to declare their independence just to cut down on the forms.

But then he was certain there would be a ton of paperwork to go along with it. John sighed and got down to work, managing to push through most of what he needed to do before the alarm buzzed.

He was stretching, working out a few kinks in his back when it did go off. Smiling, he logged out and shut down, before padding back out. He took a few minutes to do a bit more stretching—desk jobs seriously sucked—then pulled his boots back on, heading for the mess.

It was busy, most of the tables full, the line nearly to the doors. He'd forgotten that the other item on the menu tonight was some sort of dish that had a tangy sweet and sour sauce that nearly everyone loved—except Rodney. The Pegasus equivalent to citrus was certain to make that dish a huge "death-dealing dinner". While John liked it, there was no way he would risk eating it now.

He joined the line, hoping to avoid more than just the idle small talk of hungry people in a line. He secured two plates of the meatloaf, along with a few rolls and—score!—two huge slices of chocolate cake. Well, it wasn't real chocolate, but it was pretty damn close to the real thing.

By the time he got back to the apartment with the food in hand, there was music playing and the lights had been turned down, illuminating the room with a gentle glow.

Smiling, he slid the tray on the counter. "Rodney? I'm back, and I come bearing hot food."

"Put it in the kitchen. I'll be right out. Oh, and I'd like you naked. Leave the clothes by the bedroom door."

A pleasant thrill went down John's spine. Other parts of his anatomy started to stand up and take notice as well. He quickly and efficiently stripped off his clothes, folding them and setting them aside. Not knowing what else his lover had in mind, he sprawled on the couch, legs spread wide.

John heard Rodney shuffling around the bedroom, the door sliding open as he retrieved John's clothes. "Good. No touching."

John put his hands behind his head, spreading his legs just a little bit more. He closed his eyes, letting the music and the sounds of his lover wash away everything except right here and now.

"Oh good. You got meatloaf," Rodney said, his voice drifting in from the kitchen. "Oh. And cake. Hmm…might need to put that away for now." Rodney banged around in the kitchen for a few minutes before John heard him padding toward the couch, the cushions dipping as Rodney sat. His words were quiet, hushed. "You're beautiful. You know that, don't you?"

Humming, John leaned a little towards his lover. He had never thought of himself as particularly vain, but he had to admit, he loved having Rodney's eyes on his body, loved hearing that his lover liked what he saw. It was a heady rush sometimes, like now.

Rodney's fingers were gentle against his cheek, tracing down his jaw. His other hand settled on John's cock, stroking him lightly.

Letting out a soft breath, John opened his eyes, not trying to hide anything. Letting Rodney have everything, all of him. Rodney was his, yes. But his sexy, brilliant lover owned John, mind, body, and soul.

Rodney's eyes were soft, watching the path his fingers were taking on John's face. He leaned in a few beats later, kissing John soundly.

Opening up, John let him in, moaning softly. When Rodney broke the kiss, John blinked slowly, reaching out to mirror his lover's caresses, tracing the curve of Rodney's jaw.

There was a tray of meatloaf cooling on the coffee table, the scent rising up over them as Rodney leaned in again. They took their time, tasting each other as Rodney stroked him. It was such a reversal. John was naked, Rodney fully dressed—minus his boots and socks.

The next time they kissed, Rodney's deft fingers quickly unsnapped the cock ring. His strokes tightened, lingering on the head.

Unable to help it, John arched up. Pleasure was starting to wash out everything else. He started to pant into Rodney's mouth, reveling in the feel of fabric against his thighs, the clever fingers that knew just how to touch him.

Rodney shifted, backing off only long enough to whisper, his lips brushing against John's with every word. "Come when you want, as many times as you want tonight. I want you to."

John's body arched again, his back bowing as every cell strained for more. This felt positively decadent, like he was a feast and Rodney was intent on savoring him all night. Or maybe he was at the feast. His thoughts were starting to scatter as he climbed higher and higher.

Rodney simply continued kissing him, his hand stroking him steadily, perfectly. Each touch was electric, searing a path along his body. It wasn't original or unique, but pure and simple and sometimes that was the best.

John's body agreed.

His climax washed over him, almost gentle this time as his lover continued to touch him, gentle him. When the aftershocks had started to fade, he went boneless into the couch, humming again.

Rodney pressed a kiss to his lips before leaning back, wiping his hand on John's leg. "We should eat before it gets too cold."

"'Kay." John whispered it, unable to work up the energy for more. He toppled himself over, curling a little so his head was against Rodney's chest, legs pulled up onto the couch. It was nice, just being able to let go like this. He was floating. He wondered if he could convince Rodney to pet his hair—that always felt fantastic.

His lover shifted on the couch, his arm wrapping around John's shoulders, fingers drifting over his shoulder and arm. He leaned down and John could feel Rodney pushing his nose into his hair and breathing in before pressing a kiss to his scalp. "Take your time."

Making a noise that could only be called a purr, John let himself be held, loved. With a tiny smile, he flicked out his tongue, tasting fabric and imagining he could taste the nipple below it, sense memory kicking in.

Rodney chuckled, but moved again, giving John a slightly better angle.

Mouthing at the fabric, John brought his teeth into play, making sure his lover would be able to feel it a little. He shifted, rubbing his leg against the fabric of Rodney's uniform pants. His cock wasn't quite ready to play again, but it felt phenomenally good, nonetheless.

Rodney moaned quietly, his hand pausing mid-stroke along John's arm. "John, you don't have to—"

Nipping, John looked up through his eyelashes. He tried to tell Rodney without word—he wasn't up to talking yet—that he wanted. That he loved this, loved Rodney. He didn't think his lover had come all day. Hmmm. Shifting again, John started to mouth his way south, one hand working at pulling Rodney's shirt out of the way.

His lover's hand covered his, stopping it. "You don't— This is your day, John."

Making a soft noise of protest, John tried to pull his hand free. He forced himself to find language again. "Yours, too. Want you to feel good, too."

"I can last…wait. You've trained me pretty well."

Looking up, John smiled slowly. "Let me taste you some time tonight?"

"Maybe."

Chuckling, John put his head back against Rodney's chest, with its familiar beat of safety and home. He nuzzled a little, closing his eyes again.

They stayed like that for a long while before Rodney shifted again, pressing a chaste kiss to John's forehead. "We need to eat."

Letting himself be rearranged, John opened his eyes again in time to catch Rodney admiring him again. Smiling, he stretching out, arching a little. "Whatever you want."

"Dinner. I'm hungry." He paused again, tilting his head to the side. "You have a choice. We eat our own dinner or…" Rodney sighed quietly. "I don't think I'm comfortable feeding you, so would you consider feeding me like you usually do? Either way is okay with me."

Still smiling, John sat up, nodding. "I'll feed you. It's relaxing."

"Are you sure? I know you said you wanted this to be a certain way…you wanted today to be like your fantasy. I just don't want to disappoint you."

"You're not. M'very relaxed. Feel really good." He gestured, trying to convey 'bring the tray over here and come with it so we can eat' in one lazy hand wave.

Rodney didn’t look convinced, but his hunger won out of his doubt. He leaned forward and grabbed the tray, handing it off to John as he settled back into the couch cushions. His hand returned to John's cock, stroking him softly.

With a happy sigh, John settled so he could reach the food and Rodney, but still leave his lover maximum room to play. "Feel decadent. Like royalty. S'very nice. Indulgent." He held out a bite for Rodney.

His lover took it from him eagerly, easily. "Make sure you eat," Rodney said firmly. "I can make sure you do tonight."

John grinned, and took a bite for himself. "I am all yours. Anything you want. My body is yours to play with."

"You're good just like this," Rodney said with a smile, stroking John to hardness once again as he continued to feed both of them.

John was panting again by the time they finished eating. Rodney was keeping the touches just light enough to keep him on the edges of pleasure, but not giving him enough to tip head-first into full arousal. God, this was sexy. Hot. So fucking good. His last bite, he just held, the higher brain functions necessary to get it to his mouth starting to short out.

"Chew, John." Rodney chuckled softly, low and dirty.

Obeying slowly, he managed to swallow on a whine as Rodney's hand left his leaking erection.

Rodney reached over John and put the tray back on the table. "Mmm…you're still beautiful." He wrapped his hand around John and stroked hard, twisting his hand at the end which sent sparks through John's body.

His whole body arched up and off the couch. "Oh, oh fuck…. Oh…"

"Beautiful," Rodney whispered, stroking him over and over again.

Turning his head, John buried his face in Rodney's shoulder, panting hard. "Please, oh, please…"

"Whenever you want, John. As many times as you want."

He couldn't help it; this time when he came, he bit down, through fabric and knowing he had probably made another mark on Rodney's body. But he was too busy shuddering with pleasure to notice much else.

When John came back to his senses, his pounding pulse not so loud, he listened to Rodney's own panting breaths, heard his lover's pulse beating frantically under his ear where he was resting against his chest.

John snaked a hand down, finding the bulge in his lover's pants. He started to rub, pushing down a little, giving Rodney some pressure in all the right places.

His lover shuddered hard, clutching onto John a little tighter. His moan was wanton and desperate.

Lifting his head, John nipped a little at Rodney's earlobe, whispering softly. "Will you come in your pants for me? Or I could suck on you, let you come in my mouth. Or I could mouth you through your pants, rough and salty and dirty."

Rodney shifted on the couch, pushing up into John's hand. So much for Rodney waiting until later—although this was waiting. And there was the whole turnabout is fair play thing. Rodney had made him come in his pants often enough.

John rubbed harder, while he slowly licked the curve of Rodney's ear, let his tongue push in just a little, a hint of what he guessed would come later, knowing Rodney's tastes. John was very much looking forward to seeing what Rodney had set up in the bedroom.

"Oh, God, John…please…no…" Rodney whimpered, even though his body continued to say yes.

"What do you want, Rodney? I know what I want. I want to see you come, see you shatter for me. Leave you languid so we can drag out the next round, make it last."

"Gonna come in my pants," he whispered, bucking up again into John's hand, panting and moaning.

"So hot." With a wicked smile, John nipped his lover again, even while he continued to pull him past the point of no return.

"John….no…." Rodney protested weakly even as John felt his lover's muscles trembling, felt his lover losing control.

"So very beautiful when you're like this." He did pause though, leaving his hand just resting on Rodney's groin, the wet spot from pre-come just under his thumb. "But I will stop if you want me to. You get to call the shots tonight. Tell me what you want."

Rodney whimpered, bucking up into John's hand and moaning. "I…I've done this to you before."

"You have. More than once." John moved his thumb in a little circles. "You seem to have a thing for making me come in my pants. You get me so turned on, I can't wait sometimes."

His lover's eyes were nearly all pupil except for a small sliver ring of blue all around. "God, John…"

Sliding off the couch, John went to his knees, pushing Rodney's legs wide. He replaced his hand with his mouth, sucking on fabric, nipping at it, pulling out every trick he could think of to make it good for his lover.

It didn't take much at this point for Rodney to gasp, breath catching in his throat for a moment as his body shuddered hard. The stain on the front of his pants grew as his come soaked in.

John sucked on it, drawing out the salty liquid from the fabric. When Rodney started to twitch, he stopped, resting his head on the other man's thigh, with his nose still buried in the crease of his leg.

Rodney's hand threaded into his hair a few moments later and he sighed quietly, contentedly.

John's eyes drifted shut once more, and he knew he was purring again, but he just didn't care. This was perfect. So perfect. Exactly what he had needed.

"I have to get out of these clothes," Rodney said quietly several minutes later.

"'kay." John nuzzled a little. "Bedroom?"

"You stay here."

With a soft noise of agreement, John didn't bother to get up, just half-crawled so he was sprawled across one of the couch cushions, still on his knees.

Rodney patted his head as he staggered to his feet, padding to the bedroom. John listened to him shuffling around, clothes dropping to the floor. Hmmm. Naked Rodney was always better than a clothed one.

A light touch on his shoulder surprised him.

He turned his head, opening one eye and wiggling his ass, just because he could.

Rodney smiled down at him, handing him a blindfold.

"For me" John's stomach did a few pleasant flips. Yummy.

"Yes, please." This time the smile was nervous, but Rodney's hand was steady.

John kissed his lover's hand as he took the strip of fabric. Trying to show him this was okay. Better than okay. He tied it into place before sinking back to his knees, waiting to see what Rodney would do next.

Rodney's hand gripped his a moment later. "Stand for me."

John rose, imaging Rodney's eyes on him, watching him, the way he moved. His cock gave a little twitch.

"Good. So good." The words were whispered as Rodney's hand tightened in his. A beat later and Rodney was pressed along his front, kissing him soundly once again, drawing him forward a few steps without parting.

Following, John trusted Rodney, knew whatever his lover had planned would be perfect, no matter what it was. With a moan, John's body started to tingle again, not yet aroused, but getting there fast.

They kissed their way across the living room, Rodney walking backwards and drawing John with him. It was sensual and perfect and so, so good.

Rodney's hands were on his hips, guiding him, shifting him until the back of his legs hit the bed. "Sit for me and scoot back. I want you on your stomach."

Stating to feel heavy, John complied. Sitting down and scooting, flipping over so he was on his stomach, head resting on his forearms for now, legs spread a little.

Rodney's hands were on his ankles a moment later, fingers tracing around the cuffs he'd placed on John earlier. "These okay?"

"Yeah. Comfortable. I like them."

"Like them better on me, you mean," he said quietly, hands stroking the skin of John's calf.

He couldn't really arch, so instead, John just melted into the bed. "Mmmm. Yeah. Like them on you. Tied down at my mercy, can just play with you all day long, nothing to stop me."

"I love it when you do that to me. You make me fly. I want to make you fly a little tonight."

John shivered, anticipation racing deliciously down his spine. He pushed his ass up a bit, offering it to his lover. "Yes. Oh, Rodney, yes, please…"

"We'll get there, John. I promise." Rodney tugged John's right ankle a little to the side. "How did you like the small plug?" John heard a quiet click among the words of Rodney's question.

"I..." He had almost forgotten about it, actually. But he clenched around it now, then moaned, his ass going higher. "I want… so good…"

"You want what?" Rodney had moved again, his hands on his left ankle now, the click of the second padlock nearly silent.

Giving a tug, John found his legs were locked into place. He couldn't close them. It made his brain stutter to a stop. Question. Rodney had asked him a question. "Lose control. Want to…not think. Nothing but you. Pleasure. Feeling."

"Good." Rodney was moving again, this time sitting on the bed near John's head. "Can I have your left hand?"

He immediately pushed it out, his other one going above his head as well, just in case.

Cool, soft leather wrapped around his wrist, a quiet click letting him know that Rodney had locked it in place. He repeated it with his other hand, the leather warming to his skin. Anticipation and arousal pooled in his belly, his cock hard and leaking and Rodney had barely touched him.

"Can you get yourself up on your hands and knees?" Rodney's voice was quiet, hushed.

With effort, forcing limbs gone heavy with want to obey his commands, John did as he had been asked, feeling the tethers pull tight as he did. It sent another flash of need through him.

"I'll get your hands in a minute, John. I just need you like this."

He nodded, words, difficult at the best of times, escaping him once again. He let his head drop, panting, waiting.

Rodney shifted around him and John could feel other tethers getting added, securing him in place—on his hand and knees and spread wide for his lover. Finally Rodney's hand rested in the small of John's back, petting him. "You okay?"

He nodded again, trembling. His cock was so heavy between his legs, leaking again. Somehow, he managed to find words, needed to make sure Rodney knew it was okay, that John didn't want him to stop. Please god, don't stop. "So good. Perfect."

"If it's too much, I'll stop. Just tell me. Red for stop. Yellow for slow down."

Moaning, John had to make sure he didn't stop. Please, please, please. "Green."

"Okay." John could hear the smile in Rodney's voice even as the bed dipped and shifted and then Rodney was gone.

He shifted a little, and oh God, Rodney had completely locked him down. John moaned again, pulling at them, relishing in the way they felt against his skin.

John could hear water running in the bathroom as he tugged at the restraints holding him in place, holding him open. And then the mattress was dipping again and Rodney was behind him, hands on his ass, tugging the plug free.

After having it in all day, John was suddenly, painfully, empty. He was keening even before it was clear of his body.

And then Rodney was holding him, shushing him. His reassurances slowly settling in. "…be fine. I promise. You'll like it. I promise…"

"Green. Greengreengreengreengreen..." It was all he could focus on, the only word he could force between his lips.

"Breathe, John. Just breathe. I've got you."

Taking a few deep breaths, John realized he was rocking slightly, as much as the tethers would allow, Basically trying to fuck the empty air. He gulped again, and tilted his head into Rodney's warmth. It had been a very, very long time—if ever—since he had let himself go this much. It was incredibly good.

"Good. Good. Just relax. You're going to like this. Come as many times as you can, as you want. I want your cock to ache by the morning."

He moaned his assent. He wanted to feel this for _days_.

"Good." Rodney shifted again and then there was a warm cloth on his skin, wiping him down, cleaning him everywhere.

It was really, really nice. And it gave him a chance to back himself down a little, from the knife edge of pleasure. By the time Rodney was finished, John was back to purring.

"Feel good?"

"Mmmmmmmm."

"I want you to talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking and I want you to keep talking until I tell you to stop."

Words? Real words? John swallowed hard. But if Rodney wanted it... "So good. So relaxed. Don't want you to stop. Love your hands on me. Love knowing you're doing this for me. Love you. Want to be the focus of your attention. Just me and nothing else. Want you in me. Want in you. Just want. Oh god. Feel so good..."

"Good, John," Rodney purred, his hands running along his back, over his ass cheeks, down his legs. "What else? What are you thinking?"

"God, so hard. Words. Want to, but oh god." He tried to push back, but the restraints kept him in place, tearing a moan from his throat. "Never, never trusted anyone this much. To do this for me. With me. Only you. Always you. God, needed this so much. Love you so much. Oh god, Rodney..."

The first touch of Rodney's tongue against his ass crack had John moaning loudly.

"Oh, oh, oh..." He wanted to keep talking, he really did. But that was tongue, and Rodney was _rimming_ him, and oh god...

Rodney stopped, his words ghosting over John's skin. "I'll continue as long as you're talking."

John sobbed. "I don't…I can't think. You make me, make me so, so crazy. Want you all the time. Want to pet you and hold you and feed you and get all that in return. Partners. Equals. Top and bottom, Dom and sub. Me and you. And oh, oh fuck, this is…so good… hard, words are hard, please, please...."

"I want to hear you, what to know what you're thinking as I take you apart. Please, John."

He sobbed again, trying to rock back, get more. "Out of control. So good. Like flying, only better. Touching the sky, three-hundred miles per hour, barrel rolls and dives and blue, blue sky..."

Rodney's tongue was hot and wet as it dove in again, rimming John before diving in, fucking him over and over again with the tip.

"Blue, so blue, like your eyes, remind of, of perfect days in the air, days that were why I became a pilot, that's you, everything, you're everything, oh, oh fuck, feels so good..."

Hands spread him wider, one on each cheek of his ass, Rodney's tongue continuing full steam ahead.

John moaned, but the words, the words were necessary to make it not stop. "Just want you, always, always. Never, never wanted anyone like I want you, need you. Didn't know I could want someone this much. Oh, oh... Always, always was afraid of losing control, but you... fuck... easy with you, trust you, know we'll soar together..."

Rodney's tongue went deep this time, his face pressed into John's ass.

John moaned and sobbed and tried to push back again, getting jerked short again, which just started the whole cycle a second time. Words. He was supposed to be talking. Right. "Rodney, Rodney, Rodney, oh god, can't... can't think of anything else, just you, all you, only you..."

His lover backed off, his words whispered. "Doing great. Perfect. Just whatever you think of. Can you come like this, just from this?"

He shivered. Orgasm was so close, just over the horizon. "Maybe, yes, please, don't stop, green, blue, oh god..."

Rodney chuckled. "Let me hear you then." He dove in again a beat later, sucking and rimming John, tongue-fucking him as well.

John actually screamed this time, and orgasm finally came, whiting everything else out. He was vaguely aware that he was supposed to keep talking, so he was babbling, praise and nonsense and a steady, unrelenting stream of words.

And Rodney kept going. John knew his lover's jaw and tongue had to be aching, but he was still tasting him, touching him, loving him.

John kept babbling until he was trembling, the rimming keeping up all through orgasm and out the other side, a knife edge of pleasure/pain and he was, amazingly, still hard.

Rodney's hand wrapped around him, stroking him, pushing him right over the edge once again.

This time John's vision completely blanked out, his arms and knees giving out, unable to support his weight anymore.

He was curled up on the bed, his limbs locked into place. He didn't know how he'd become so bendy, but he didn't care. It was all so good.

As he slowly came back to himself, he was shocked to realize he was still hard. Rodney had managed to keep his hand around John, and was still stroking him just hard enough to ensure he couldn't go soft. John moaned, trying to buck into it, but prevented from the motion.

"You feel so good, taste so good," Rodney whispered. "You are so beautiful like this, so open, so amazing."

"You." It was all he could manage. John's voice felt hoarse, his body completely alive, every nerve at Rodney's command.

"And we're not done yet. Are you ready for more, John? Can you take more?"

"Green." He smiled, knowing it was greedy and needy and desperate, but not caring a single fucking bit.

"Good." Rodney's hands were gentle as they unlocked the tethers, helping John onto his back before locking them back into place, spreading him wide open once again. "Talk to me," he said, mouth hovering over John's nipple, his breath ghosting across it.

John tried to go up, tried to get that beautiful mouth on his nipple. He sobbed when Rodney stayed just out of reach, watching him. "Need, oh god, as soon as you, as you touch me there, I'm going to come again. Oh fuck, oh god, so good..."

"As soon as I touch you?"

"Yesyesyesyesyesyes."

Rodney's voice dropped an octave, deep and rough. "Is that a promise?"

"Fuck! Yes, so fucking sexy. You're the hottest damn thing I've ever seen in my life, and I don't know what I did to be this lucky, and oh god please..."

Rodney's mouth engulfed John's nipple, biting down.

John screamed again, and was coming, his body straining against the tethers.

His lover didn't let go until John was panting, hovering between pain and pleasure. "Hmm. That was nice."

Shivering, John whimpered when Rodney's hand was on him again, once more keeping him hard. God, he hadn't known his body was capable of this.

"Wanna try again?"

"Nnnngh."

"What was that?"

Whispering, John had to force it out. His brain was almost completely mush now. "G…green."

Rodney chuckled and leaned over him, biting down on the other nipple.

John arched up again, keening. His cock was twitching hard, but there just wasn't much left in his balls. All that came out was a little dribble, right at the tip, as John's whole body jerked against the restraints.

"Hmm. Not what I was expecting," Rodney said thoughtfully. "I guess I need to give you a little more time to recover."

John tried to say 'i love you' or maybe 'don't stop, please', but all that came out was "Nngh."

"I can wait," Rodney said, settling against John's body, his hard cock poking John in the hip.

Still panting, John spread his knees as much as the restraints would allow, pushing his hips up so his entrance was on display in a mute invitation.

But Rodney ignored him, petting his chest instead, fingering his nipples with every other pass.

John went boneless, sinking into the mattress. He flicked out his tongue to wet his lips, reveling in the electric jolts he got with every fondle.

"How are you doing, John?" Rodney's voice was quiet.

"Mmmmmm."

Rodney's hand drifted down again, stroking John to hardness once again. "Are you ready for more?"

He was already spread wide for Rodney's pleasure, so John just hummed.

"What was that?"

He opened his mouth, but no words came out. He wondered if he had used up his quota. He settled for humming again, making an attempt at thrusting up into Rodney's hand.

But of course, Rodney wanted an answer, a real one. His hand stopped stroking him, pulling off his cock. "What?"

Whining John turned his head toward his lover. It took him a few tries, but he finally managed to get a word out. "Please."

"Please what?"

John moaned, but tried again. "H...hard. Please, please touch me..."

"Why?"

"Need..."

"Need what?"

"You." John sobbed softly, straining up, wanting more. "Please, please, Rodney..."

Rodney started stroking him again, making him even harder. "Like this?"

"Yessssssss. More, more...." John pushed his hips up again. "Want to feel you, want you."

"I’m here. Not going anywhere." And as if to emphasize that point he stroked John a little harder.

John's cry was strangled, and he pulled against the restraints, which only made him moan louder. "Fuck me, please, Rodney, please..."

"I'm…" Rodney paused. "I’m going to do something a little different instead."

"O…okay, anything, anything you want, Rodney, Rodney..." John just chanted his name, it was all he could get out, all his brain was capable of right now.

His lover shifted away from him, moving to kneel between his spread legs. And then something was pressing against his entrance. Something cold. Hard.

He tried to spread his legs further, wanting it, whatever it was. Wanting to be filled, fucked, so raw his cock and his ass would be sore tomorrow, a reminder of this gift Rodney was giving him.

It was only a little larger than the plug that had filled him and John moaned wanting more even as Rodney was pushing something into him.

He tried to bear down, tried to take more in, faster. "More. More, please..."

"Shhh. You'll get it."

John gave a hard shudder, letting his head go back as far as he could push it. "Yours. All yours..."

The plug or dildo or vibrator or something pushed further into John before Rodney stopped, letting John feel it pressing in deep. His lover shifted again, his hand on John's cock and then Rodney was sliding down onto John without prep and it was tight and warm and…oh god.

He tried to buck up, tried to... it was all tight, hot, squeezing, perfect... He didn't realize he'd starting babbling out loud again until he heard Rodney chuckling again.

"Just…wait for it," he said quietly. And then the thing in his ass turned on. It was a vibrator.

"Oh oh oh oh oh... Rodney!" John was coming again, the vibe right against his prostate making him keen and sob and beg and oh god he never wanted this to end.

Rodney rode him until he was soft before carefully sliding off of John. He pressed a light kiss to John's lips as he shifted and moved over him, his hands fumbling with the restraints. First one hand and then the other were released, quickly followed by his ankles. But John was simply boneless, languid and sated, allowing Rodney to shift him, move him into position—this time back on his stomach.

A few moments later and Rodney's lubed and blunt fingers were stretching him, prepping him carefully.

Moaning, John pushed back, his body welcoming the intrusion. He chanted his lover's name softly, trying to keep talking like Rodney wanted.

"Doing so well, John. I'll give you what you want in a minute. I promise."

"Perfect, so perfect, you're perfect. Better than fast cars and flying and chocolate. Oh, oh Rodney..."

His lover shifted him again and then was slowly, ever so slowly, pressing into him.

John tried to push back, to take more, faster, but Rodney kept it slow. By the time he was fully inside, John was sobbing, unbelievably hard again—his cock fucking ached—but begging shamelessly, for more, harder, faster.

"We're going to do this my way," Rodney whispered, his voice rough and broken.

Shivering at the tone, at knowing he had put it in Rodney's voice, John nodded, panting hard, erratically. "What...whatever you... you want..."

"I want…" Rodney said, his voice so low, so deep, "I want you to come apart under me…I want you to remember this…what it feels like…and know you do this to me all the time and I love it and love you." He pulled back slowly, achingly slowly, and then thrust in steadily just as slowly as before. It was like he was caressing John from the inside out.

Wordlessly, John just sobbed, spreading himself out, accepting, taking, giving.

Rodney fucked him so slowly, so carefully, but it was even more intense than if he'd just done it fast and dirty. John was falling apart just from the constant pleasure, the constant pressure, the careful, gentleness of it.

Finally, he just let go. His world wasn't anything beyond Rodney, and being fucked, loved. He shattered, trusting his lover to pick up the pieces and put him back together again, only better, more complete, than he had ever been before.

When he finally felt Rodney shuddering, felt the warm rush deep inside, he knew Rodney had finally taken his own pleasure, slumping down on top of John as he trembled and panted his own completion. It took a few minutes for Rodney to shift again, pulling out and moving away. A warm cloth touched him carefully a few moments later, cleaning him. A cream-covered finger gently probed him, coating him a little, just inside his entrance.

Then Rodney was moving again, rolling him onto his back. Another warm cloth washed him carefully, cleaning off all traces of his semen. Then, the blankets were tugged away from under him and his lover slid in next to him, wrapping himself around John and pulling the covers over them.

John couldn't think, couldn't do anything more than go where Rodney pushed him, and then curl into his lover's body, tucking his head into Rodney's neck.

"Sleep, John. I've got you."

Lacking the coordination to actually kiss Rodney, John mouthed at the little patch of skin he was nuzzling.

Rodney's hands caressed him, fingers gently tracing patterns on his skin.

"Love you." John whispered the words, eyes falling shut as his sated, well-fucked body started to follow his brain into shut-down mode.

"Love you, too. Sleep, John. I'll be here."

Humming softly, John did as he was told, letting the soft, welcoming darkness finally claim him.

When he swam back up into consciousness, John purred at the delicious ache and pull of his ass, his dick, all his muscles. God, he still felt really, really good.

Rodney wasn't in bed, the sheets beside John cool to the touch.

Sitting up, John made a happy noise. He rolled out of bed, padding out of the bedroom to see if he could find his lover, make sure he was as okay with what happened yesterday as John was.

Rodney was in his boxers on the balcony just off the kitchen, setting up what looked like breakfast. The coffee was still brewing in the pot and Rodney had already put out a plate of fresh fruit, neatly cut up, along with some croissants. And John could smell something cooking in the small microwave.

He made a noise so he wouldn't startle the other man, then wrapped his arms around Rodney from behind. "Morning."

"John! You're supposed to be sleeping."

"I can go back to bed if you want." He nibbled on Rodney's earlobe. "I just woke up."

"I was trying to surprise you," Rodney said with a sigh as he leaned back into John.

"You did surprise me. This is fantastic. Smells really good. Do you want me to go climb back into bed?" He pressed light kisses along Rodney's jaw. He was feeling incredibly relaxed and affectionate still, and wished he could just touch and taste Rodney all day long.

"No. You're up already. You might want to put some clothes on. It's a little chilly out this morning."

"Mmm. 'Kay. I can go do that."

"Do that and come back. Everything is just about ready."

John kissed the corner of Rodney's mouth, then pulled back slowly, giving the other man the chance to take back his weight without falling. "I won't be long."

"Okay," Rodney said with a nod. He followed John back inside, but started puttering around the kitchen, pulling together the rest of their breakfast.

John watched him for a moment, smiling, then walked back into the bedroom. He wanted to give Rodney time to set up whatever his lover had in mind, so John didn't rush. He dug out a pair of soft, comfortable sweatpants and pulled them on without bothering with boxers. Next was an old tee-shirt, one of the ones he knew hugged his body and made Rodney's eyes darken every time John wore one.

He grabbed some clothes for Rodney, too. His lover would get cold if he stayed in his boxers while they ate.

"Ready for me to come back out?" John called through the door.

"Sure," came the reply a few beats later. "You saw everything already."

"I wasn't paying that much attention. I was too focused on you." John smiled as he walked out, holding out the sweats and shirt for Rodney. "It's hard to notice anything else when you're standing around in your boxers looking all hot and sexy."

Rodney snorted, straightening up from the table on the balcony after depositing a steaming plate of eggs and almost-sausage.

"It's true." John reached out, running his hand through Rodney's chest hair. "Thank you again for yesterday. It was... more than I even could have imagined. God, I still feel so... fantastic. Loose, relaxed. You were amazing."

"Good," Rodney nodded, glancing up sheepishly. "I’m glad everything worked out and whatnot."

Stepping closer, John kept one hand trapped between them, wrapping the other around Rodney's waist. "It was exactly what I needed, wanted. What about you, though? I know it was way outside your usual comfort zone. Did you enjoy getting to play a little, too?"

"It was…" Rodney paused, his face thoughtful. "Harder than I thought."

Nodding, John chuckled. "Yeah, it is hard sometimes. There's a lot you have to keep track of, and be aware of, so everyone has a good time, and no one gets hurt, or neglected."

"I still…I still like our usual…arrangement better, though."

Smiling gently, John kissed the corner of Rodney's mouth again. "I do, too. I'm more of a top than anything else. But thank you for just letting me feel for a day. I needed it, needed to let go and let someone else take control. And you're the only person I trust enough to do that with."

"You're welcome," Rodney said quietly. "I just hope it was what you…expected."

"It was more than I expected, better." John kissed him more firmly this time, trying to say without words just how grateful John was, how much he had enjoyed it.

Rodney let himself melt into the kiss, some of the tension John had felt in his lover's body bleeding off a little.

Licking his way inside, John kissed him until they were forced to breathe. Nibbling his way along Rodney's jaw, he chuckled when he caught a grumble from his lover's stomach. "Why don't we eat before this fantastic breakfast you made gets cold?"

"Nothing special," Rodney said with a shrug.

"Yes, it is, because you made it for me." John grinned a little, then tugged his lover forward, sitting in the chair Rodney had set out for him. He noted that instead of a second chair, Rodney's cushion for kneeling was next to him, which made him just want to devour the other man whole, fuck him senseless. "God, I love you."

"Love you, too," Rodney said quietly, his body offering a small shiver as they stepped outside.

"Put on the clothes I brought for you. I don't want you to get too chilled, and then I get to have all the fun of stripping you again later."

"We do have to work today," Rodney said, but moved back into the kitchen, grabbing the clothes and tugging them on.

"I know. And we will, but we have to eat, too." John threaded his fingers through Rodney's hair as soon as the other man was on his knees.

Rodney tilted his head up, his eyes wide. "Are you sure it was okay?"

"It really was." John smiled softly. "It was amazing."

His lover held his eyes for a long moment, as if searching out John's expression for the truth of what he'd said. He finally offered a small smile and nod, shifting closer to John.

Letting his hand drift down, John rubbed at the corner of Rodney's mouth with his thumb. "You're always perfect, but yesterday you outdid even yourself. You did everything I could have asked for, and more. Thank you, Rodney. I feel more... complete now. Centered. Like I had lost my north, and you reset it for me."

Rodney leaned into John's touch, letting his eyes close as he released a long breath. "Good. I'm…I was worried… I wanted it to be good for you, but it was hard to live up to a fantasy…to make it good enough…"

"It wasn't just good enough. It went beyond everything I imagined." John smiled again, relaxing completely as he convinced Rodney that he had done well. "It is hard to top—especially since you had never really done it before. You don't have to, but I'd be interested in hearing about the things you really enjoyed—or didn't enjoy at all."

"I…I liked making you come. But I like that generally," Rodney said, looking up at him.

Chuckling, John nodded. "That is fun, knowing you're giving the other person pleasure, driving them crazy with it."

"I like making you come, making you feel good."

"You made me feel fantastic." John continued to caress his lover, encouraging him to continue.

"I…I don't think I could do this often. It's…very nerve wracking."

"Considering I love topping, and you're a natural bottom, I doubt we will reverse it very often. Just occasionally, and probably only when I'm stressed out enough to just want release without having to think about it. What worried you the most?"

"Doing something wrong, something you didn't like."

"That does happen sometimes. You haven't always liked everything I've done to you, right? It's actually one of the joys of being in a long-term relationship as a top. I get to learn you, learn what really turns you on and off, so I can make better decisions about what to try. But it is a lot of trial and error."

"There's not much I don't like."

That made John chuckle again. "True. You're as much of a hedonist as I am, which is probably one of the reasons we're so compatible in bed. But some of it is that now I have a pretty good idea of what you like, or what you probably wouldn't like. In the beginning, that was one of the reasons I took things so slow, though. I didn't know what you would or wouldn't like, and neither did you, since you had never done this before."

Rodney nodded, turning his head and pressing a kiss into John's palm.

"What did you think about having me tied up, at your mercy?"

"I was…nervous."

"Understandable. It's a lot of responsibility."

"It was…I liked making you come, knowing you wouldn't distract me."

"You got to control the pace, give and take what you wanted, with no sidetracking." John grinned. "That's the fun part of topping."

Rodney shrugged. "I guess."

Gentling his caresses, John smiled softly again. "You pushed me further than I had gone in a long time, as a bottom. You broke me, and put me back together again, better."

Rodney dropped his eyes. "I guess we'll see, won't we?"

"You did." John forced Rodney to look up, look him in the eye. "The edge of... restlessness, worry, is gone now. I... carry a lot of responsibility, for the lives of everyone on this base. I don't think I realized just how heavy it was until you lifted it."

His lover didn't answer, but John could see the doubt on his face as plain as day. Rodney trusted himself when it came to his science, but with his relationships, with John even, he still didn't trust himself.

"Hey, look at me. I mean it. Just being with you, being your partner and lover and top, keeps me sane and whole. And yesterday... You filled in some gaps that had developed from everything else going on, outside of our control. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were willing to give me that gift."

This time Rodney did look at him, his eyes focused intently on him. "Don't you understand? Don't you get it? I'll give you anything you want. Anything at all. All you have to do is ask. I'd even give my life."

"I know." John was just as serious. "And I'd do the same for you, without hesitation."

"Anything, John." Rodney repeated himself, as if he was trying to drill that information, those words, into John's brain.

It made John's chest tighten with emotion. Leaning in, he brushed their lips together. "Anything." It was his own promise, and recognition of Rodney's. "We're in this together, completely. I know I can't do it without you anymore."

Rodney moaned, pressing up into John's mouth, his kiss a little desperate.

John took control, gentling it. He knew Rodney needed the reassurance both of John's love—and of his position as the top.

Rodney's hand reached up, grasping the back of John's head, trying to deepen the kiss again. It was like he was trying to crawl into John's body through his mouth.

Breaking it, John nibbled at Rodney's bottom lip. "Hands behind your back."

His lover protested—the sound low in his throat. He shifted on his knees, tightening his hold on John's neck.

"Now." John put a bit of a growl in his voice, nipping a little harder. "You're mine."

Rodney yelped quietly, but obeyed this time. He settled back on his heels, clasping his hands behind his back, breathing hard. "John, please," he begged.

"Good boy." John purred his praise, soothing the places he had bitten with his tongue. "We're going to eat breakfast now, and then I think I'm going to fuck you silly before we shower and go to work."

Pleasure flushed across Rodney's face, his emotions so easily read. He moved a little closer, pressing up against John's leg, letting his mouth hang open a hair as he stared at John and waited.

Looking over the spread Rodney had prepared, John began to feed them both, taking pleasure in what had become a routine activity for them. He wished he could make it a permanent order—that Rodney would only eat from John's hand. But with their positions—not to mention DADT—he knew it wasn't possible. He would settle for this, for now.

But for every meal they ate in their quarters… John smiled. Rodney nipped at John's finger, drawing his attention to his lover, his eyes dark with arousal.

Smiling, John fed him another bite, catching sight of the cuffs still on his own wrists, and remembering he was still wearing the ankle cuffs, too. He'd forgotten about them. "I think I still have something that belongs to you."

Rodney nodded. "Looked nice on you."

John grinned. "They look better on you." He paused, fingering one of them. "You know, it occurs to me that you wear my claim on you one way or another all the time. But I don't have anything to mark me as yours except the ring, which I don't even wear on my tags anymore since I almost lost it that way. We'll have to think of something we can use. Because I am yours, completely and exclusively."

"You are, but you don't need anything. It…it wouldn't be…right."

"Right?"

"You're the top, the master, the dom. It wouldn't be right for you to be marked." Rodney paused, licking his lips. "I…I always should be."

Running his hand back into Rodney's hair, John smiled. "I get anxious when you aren't marked, either by my mouth, or with something I put on your body."

"So do I," Rodney said quietly, honestly. "It's part of who I am now."

"Mine." John breathed it softly, making it an endearment and a promise.

"Sometimes…sometimes I ache for things to be…uncomplicated, where the only thing I have to do is please you, make you happy. I want…sometimes I wish you could just tie me to your bed, that I can spend the day or week not thinking, not worrying." He paused again, eyes drifting to the side. "I've never wanted something that badly in a long time. Never wanted to just live, or feel. I…"

There was another long pause, but Rodney didn't continue, falling silent instead.

Tilting his head, John tried to find the words to say what he wanted to express. "I... I know. I want the same things. I want to spend days, weeks, of just enjoying you, making you feel good, watching you slip so deep into headspace that you're just... it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, the best gift I've ever been given."

"Sometimes," Rodney started, before breaking off again. His words were quiet, whispered, nearly carried away by the breeze. "Sometimes I want it more than my science, my research, my life's work."

Taking a deep breath, John leaned in, needing to kiss Rodney, needing the connection. When they broke, he whispered against Rodney's lips. "I'll give you anything you want. If you asked me to resign, leave Atlantis with you, I would. Making you happy is the most important thing in my life."

"You already do."

John pressed soft kisses all over Rodney's face. "Let's look at a calendar and try to find a week we can both take leave, go back to Earth. Even if it's not for months, even next year, let's pick some time to look forward to. We'll go somewhere far away from the base, and spend the whole week with you in headspace."

"I need you…please," Rodney whispered, his eyes closed once again, his voice slightly broken.

John kissed him again, then stood, pulling Rodney to his feet. "Bedroom. Now."

With a nod, Rodney followed John as they walked along the balcony and into the bedroom bypassing the kitchen and living room entirely. Rodney was already hard for him, panting a little, clutching John's hand tightly in his own.

When they were back inside, John stripped Rodney slowly, kissing each part he revealed, lavishing his lover with attention.

But Rodney kept pushing, reaching for John, trying to rush him, hurry him. There was desperateness, a need in his touch, his actions.

John finally caught his lover's wrists, holding them still. "Shhhh. Just relax and let go. I'm running the show again."

It took a long moment before Rodney relaxed, before John saw something switch off in Rodney's head. It was still strange to him how well he could read his lover, know exactly when he gave up his power, when he submitted. "Please," he whispered.

"Good boy." John praised him, pressing a kiss into each of Rodney's wrists before lowering them back to his lover's sides. "I'll get you there, I promise."

"I know…I know you will…just, please…"

"I know. I won't drag this out too long, I promise. But I want to touch you right now. Just close your eyes and let me love you."

Rodney didn't hesitate, his eyes closing immediately.

"So good..." John purred, kissing each eye before he dropped to his knees, continuing his exploration of Rodney's body.

His lover trembled with each and every touch, every kiss John pressed to his skin. Every now and then a quiet "please" or "John" would drop from Rodney's mouth, but otherwise he was silent.

John didn't drag it out too long, knowing his lover wouldn't be able to take it. The goal wasn't to shatter him, not right now. Rising, John gently walked the now-naked Rodney backwards, until his legs hit the bed. "Lie down on your back, and scoot up the bed."

Rodney did as John asked without a word, his eyes remaining closed as he shifted, settling down with a quiet sigh, his body relaxing a little more.

Quickly stripping his own clothes back off, John grabbed the lube and climbed up the bed, He slicked up two fingers and pressed them against Rodney's entrance, pushing inside his lover.

This time Rodney moaned, spreading his legs wider, bucking up a little. His head was turned to the side, the long expanse of pale skin only marred by his mark and his collar.

"You're so beautiful..." John didn't give his lover much time to adjust before he pulled his fingers free, only to press in again with a third added in.

"So good," Rodney whispered. "Please, John…"

John pressed deep, feeling for Rodney's prostate. When he found it, he pressed against it, hard.

Rodney groaned, his body shuddering. His hands fisted in the sheets, teeth bearing down on his bottom lip. His lover had gone quiet again, falling back on habits long ingrained.

Setting up a rhythm, John kept pressing and releasing the little pleasure gland. "I'm going to fuck you until you're so lost in your pleasure that you make those sexy noises I love to hear."

That pulled a small sob and whimper from his lover, Rodney's pleasure-filled eyes opening to focus on John. "Please…"

"I want to hear you. Please, Rodney. Let go and let me hear you enjoying what I do to you."

Rodney reached out for him, but his trembling hand didn't make contact. "Please…"

"You're still too in control, holding back. You're mine. I want to hear it."

Rodney dropped back against the bed, his hand landing at his side as he whimpered. "Please, John…I just need—"

"I know what you need. You just want to come, but you need to know that I'm in charge, that I'm still your top. And I am. So you aren't coming until I hear you let go of whatever is holding you back. I know you trust me. Just let go. I'll be here to catch you."

But instead of relaxing further, Rodney tensed, shifting to roll to his side even with John's fingers in his ass, curling in on himself.

Pulling his hand free, John shifted to pull Rodney close, wrapping his arms around his lover. "Talk to me, please. I can't help you if you won't tell me what's really wrong."

"Just…" Rodney started, only to stop again. "Hold me?" is what he asked instead.

John did, pulling him close. "I'm here for you, you know that, right? Just tell me what's wrong."

"I just…" he started again, pausing, the words spoken into John's shoulder. "…all too much, sometimes."

"What is? Us?"

Rodney shook his head.

"What then?" John moved his thumbs in gentle circles against his lover's back.

"Just want to forget."

"I'll help you, but first I need you to tell me what's wrong."

Rodney was silent, holding onto John with a certain desperateness.

"I can't help if you won't talk to me." John said it quietly.

"Just hold me. All I need."

John sighed softly. "No, it isn't."

But Rodney was relaxing in his arms, his body molding to John's.

Not knowing what else to do, and hating that he couldn't fix whatever was wrong, John just kept holding him.

"Sometimes I just need this," Rodney said quietly, John barely able to hear him. "No one ever cared enough to just hold me when things got to be too much. I just…sometimes I just need a safety blanket."

"Always," John responded immediately. "You know I will. I want you to be happy, and I want to help. Whatever you need, you have it."

Rodney simply snuggled in closer, more of the tenseness bleeding away.

John rolled them a little, so he was on his back with Rodney tucked up along his side, head resting on John's chest, arms holding him close.

Rodney's erection was long gone, his softened cock resting against John's thigh. Something was wrong, but Rodney wasn't ready to talk about it yet. That much was obvious. John just wished he knew what it was so he could help, so he could fix it. Sometimes he wished he could read his lover's mind, know what he was thinking.

"What can I do? Besides this I mean? Because I can hold you for days if that's what it takes."

"This is good."

John rubbed his nose in Rodney's hair. He could wait. He didn't know why his lover was afraid to tell him what was wrong, but he was confident, at least, that it wasn't about them. So he could wait.

The rest of the tension slowly bled out of Rodney's body and before John knew it, his lover was huffing quietly against his chest. He'd fallen asleep.

Unwilling to wake him, John just gathered him a little bit closer. "I'll always be here for you," he whispered softly.

They had a little time before they had to get up, so John let Rodney sleep, wondering how much his lover had slept last night after John had tumbled into his sated, post-coital slumber.

He closed his eyes and let himself drift. They didn't get this often, just cuddling. It was nice.

John's time sense was working well, so when nearly an hour had past he pulled himself awake and gently shook Rodney. They had about forty minutes before they needed to be on duty.

"Hey, buddy. Time to shower and get dressed."

Rodney shifted, snuffing into John's chest.

"I know. I let you sleep as long as I could."

"Comfy."

"Shower."

"Comfy."

"Shower." John laughed softly.

"But I’m comfy," Rodney whined quietly.

"I know. But we have to shower and go to work. Tonight, we'll put on a movie and just sit on the couch and cuddle."

Rodney just sighed, but didn't argue.

"I know. But I also know you can't afford to take another day off, otherwise I would suggest it."

"I know."

"So go in, get done what you need to, and tonight we'll do whatever you need, from sex to just sleeping in my arms."

"'kay."

Moving slowly, John sat up. He reached down to caress Rodney's cheek. "I love you."

Rodney opened his eyes, leaning into John's touch. "I love you, too."

They sat that way for a few minutes, touching, sharing whole volumes of things without saying a word. Finally, John broke the silence. "We really do need to shower."

"I know."

"The sooner we do, the sooner we go to work, and the sooner we can come home tonight."

Rodney sighed quietly, holding John's gaze. "I know."

John leaned in for a quick kiss before sliding off the bed. "I'll start the water. Take your time, and join me whenever you're ready."

"John, wait," Rodney said, sitting up and reaching for him.

He immediately moved back to the bed, close enough for Rodney to touch. He didn't want to abandon him, just give him the time to collect himself that he looked like he needed. "Yeah?"

Rodney's hand ended up on John's wrist, just above the locked cuffs. "I need to take these off."

Looking down, John blinked. He had forgotten about them again. "Oh, right. I'm going to feel naked without them on. How do you do that, go from the nice warm material against your skin to nothing at all?"

He shrugged, fingers grazing against skin. "I know it's only temporary."

"Mmmm." John sighed softly. "Where are the keys? I'll go grab them."

Rodney pointed with his free hand to the bedside table, his eyes fixed on John's wrist.

"You like it on me?" He traced the edges of the leather.

"Strange to see it on you."

"Good strange, or bad strange?"

Rodney shrugged, fingers and eyes still fixed on John's wrist. "Just strange."

"You have to let me go if you want me to get the key." John didn't make any moves to pull away himself.

"I'll get it." Rodney shifted then, letting go and crawling across the bed to get the key.

John sat back on the edge of the bed. After a brief pause, he scooted so he was stretched out, for Rodney's viewing pleasure.

But Rodney wasn't looking, not this time. He glanced at John to orient himself, but then simply got to work unlocking the cuffs and tugging them free. One arm and then the other, the items forming a small pile before he moved down to John's ankles. Rodney tossed the rest onto the pile before returning the key to the table. He sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand before shoving himself to his feet, shuffling toward the bathroom.

With a sigh, John put his hands behind his back and stared up at the ceiling. He didn't honestly know if Rodney wanted to shower together this morning or not, so he figured he would wait and see—his lover was acting completely abnormal, and John didn't know what to do, afraid he would just make whatever it was worse.

The water went on a minute later and then Rodney was at the door, looking at him. "Did you shower already?"

"No. I was planning to shower with you. But you... I don't know what you need. I was lying here being indecisive."

"Oh." Rodney said, deflating a little. "I…I'd like you to…if you want."

Off the bed in a flash, John was across the room, at his lover's side, pulling him back into his arms. "I just want to give you what you need to make you happy again."

Rodney leaned into John, wrapping his arms around him. "You do."

"Good." Smiling, John kissed the tip of Rodney's nose. "Let's go shower then."

"We should. We smell like sex and we have to go to work."

"Wish I could send you to work smelling like sex. Then all your grabby geeks would know to keep their hands off." John grabbed Rodney's hand, leading him to the shower.

"I’m surprised Radek hasn't called me on it yet," Rodney said, sighing in contentment as the warm water hit his back.

"He's smart enough to know that if he does, I'd have to kill him. And I like Radek, so I'd feel sort of bad about it."

"I wouldn't let you."

Chuckling, John got some shampoo and started to wash Rodney's hair. "Maybe."

"Radek's one of the less stupid ones. I can't have you killing him," Rodney said, closing his eyes and leaning into John's touch.

"True. But if he tries to take you away from me, I won't have any choice. You're mine."

"He wouldn't."

"Because he knows I'd have to kill him." John dusted another kiss across Rodney's nose.

Rodney just snorted, relaxing under John's touch.

John washed him completely, taking pleasure from just getting to touch.

His lover was humming quietly to himself by the time John was finished.

He quickly ran the washcloth over his own body before gathering Rodney's hands and pouring a little shampoo in them. "Wash my hair for me."

Rodney's eyes opened, focusing on the top of John's head. He rubbed his hands together a little, spreading the shampoo before running his hands through John's hair. Once there was a good lather, he started massaging John's scalp, his square, blunt fingers strong and sure.

John was purring a little himself. "You have the best hands."

"Mmm." Rodney didn't pause, his fingers working through every patch of skin on John's head.

John felt rather puddlish by the time the suds had been washed away.

Rodney wrapped his arms around John, cuddling against him even as the water washed over them.

John held him, closing his eyes to better enjoy the slick slide of skin.

They didn't have much time, but John wanted to give Rodney this. It was the least he could do until he knew what the real problem was.

Finally, he flicked off the water with a mental command—they were starting to get pruney.

"Time?"

"We have about fifteen minutes."

"Oh," Rodney said quietly, the words more part of a long exhale than anything else. "Never enough time."

"I know."

"I just…" Rodney took a breath. "We should get dressed."

John kissed him gently. "Whatever you need."

Rodney kissed him back, need and desperation hovering around the edges of the kiss.

"Can you get off early tonight?" John breathed it softly.

"No. Mission tomorrow."

John huffed out a frustrated breath. "Okay. We'll make due then. I'll grab us dinner, and have it and a movie ready when you get home."

Rodney nodded, shifting back a little. "I should get dressed."

John let him go, nodding. "Me, too."

Taking a breath, Rodney dried himself off and then moved into the bedroom, dragging out a uniform and boxers. He dressed quickly, quietly.

John leaned against the counter, just watching, noting the way his lover moved.

The sure movements were gone, replaced instead by pauses. They weren't deep, but it was just enough to make it look clumsy. And Rodney was not clumsy.

"Rodney?"

He glanced up at John, questions on his face. "What?"

"I'm starting to worry about you."

Rodney froze, eyes wide. "I just…I'm just tired."

"It's more than that. I won't press it, not right now. But... I am worried about you."

His lover dropped his eyes and John knew right then that he was right. Something was wrong. "I didn't sleep well last night. That's all."

John's gaze sharpened. "You don't have to tell me, but don't lie to me."

Rodney head snapped up. "Are you calling me a liar? I didn't sleep well last night."

"I believe you. From the circles under your eyes, I can see that you probably haven't slept well in a while. But I'm not stupid, Rodney. I know something is bothering you. Don't pretend like I can't tell."

"I’m just tired. Maybe if you weren't confined to the base and we had more teams going out I wouldn't be working myself to the bone."

John flinched slightly. "I know that, too. And I'm working on it. But I'm just... I don't want to fight with you, I'm sorry. I'm just really worried about you, that's all."

Whatever fight and anger Rodney had was gone again as quickly as it came. "I don't either. I just…" He sighed. "I need to go."

Crossing the room, John wrapped his arms around his lover again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I was just watching you and... I don't know how to help. I want to, I want to see you smile and see you loose and relaxed and happy, even if you are busy at work. But lately... even here, you've been worn, weighed down. And I don't know how to fix it."

Rodney sighed. "Neither do I."

"Just promise me you won't shut me out, okay? Even if I can't offer any solutions, I can at least be a willing ear for you to talk through it."

"There's nothing to talk about."

John sighed again, but didn't press. He just kissed Rodney's forehead. "Will you be able to take a lunch today?"

Rodney nodded. "I have to eat. Medical condition and all."

Smiling a little, John squeezed. "I'll come find you then. We can grab a quick bite together."

"Okay. I should go."

"Have a good day."

Rodney snorted. "Surrounded by idiots intent on blowing up Atlantis in search of the next greatest scientific discovery." He rolled his eyes. "See you at lunch."

John waited until he heard the door to the suite close, then sat down on the bed with a sigh.

Why was it never easy?

He finally got himself moving, hesitating for a moment, before passing over his uniform for his running clothes. He pulled them on, then grabbed a radio. "Sheppard to Ronon."

"Yeah?"

"I'm looking for a running partner this morning. Interested?" He knew Ronon would run him into the ground, force him to focus on nothing except the pull of muscles.

"Late for a run," Ronon commented.

"What else have I got to do?" John worked at keeping the bitterness out of his voice, but he wasn't sure he completely succeeded.

"Paperwork."

John snorted, pulling on his running shoes. "Right. Look, I'm going running one way or another. I just figured I'd see if you were interested in going along. If you're busy, that's fine."

"I didn't say no."

"I'll be at the usual start point in about five minutes."

"Fine," Ronon said, the line going dead a beat later.

John was out the door, limbering up along the way. He got to the start point a little ahead of Ronon, and made a point of stretching—he knew his teammate was going to run him into the ground.

Ronon jogged up to him a few minutes later. "You ready?"

Instead of answering, John just picked a direction and started running. He started out with a slower pace, letting himself get into the rhythm.

"So what did McKay do?" he asked about five minutes into the run once they were outside.

Grunting, John sped up instead of answering. He didn't really have an answer anyway. It wasn't anything Rodney had done—more like what he wasn't doing.

Ronon kept up easily. "You should just fuck him and get it over with."

"He didn't do anything."

"You're mad at him."

"No. I'm not, really." And John wasn't. He wasn't angry, just... he hated not knowing what to do.

"Seems like you are."

"I'm not. It's complicated."

Ronon grunted. "Doesn't have to be."

"You have met McKay, right?" John picked up the pace again. If he was using all his breath to run, he couldn't have this conversation. Hell, he'd chosen Ronon because the man usually didn't say a word other than gloating that he could run John into the ground.

Ronon simply kept up, running easily beside him, thankfully quiet for a while. "He's worried about you."

John almost tripped, but caught himself. "It's... mutual..." he panted.

"Doesn't say anything, but I can tell."

Right, so they were going to do this whether John wanted to or not. He slowed his pace down a bit. "I'm worried about all of you. You're all carrying extra duty because I'm fucked up."

"You just think you are."

"Depends on the day. I want to go back to full duty, but Kate won't clear me."

"Don't think you really want to."

John glanced over. "Why do you think that?"

Ronon shrugged his shoulder. "Seems like that to me."

John didn't reply, just let himself focus on the pounding of each step against the ground. He didn't know how to respond—he wanted to be back on duty, but how was he supposed to convince someone of that?

"You have to want it."

"I do."

"No," Ronon said shaking his head. "You really don't."

Stopping, John turned to face him, sweat running down the side of his face. "My team, my second, and my base all need me to be back at full capacity. This sitting around and waiting shit sucks."

Ronon just looked at him, his expression unreadable. "So do something about it."

"I have been! I'm going to fucking therapy and talking about shit I really don't have any desire to think about, much less express, and I'm bugging the hell out of Kate every other day. Elizabeth won't let me through the damn gate until Kate clears me, and if I try to go around her, I'll be fucking court-martialed and sent back to Earth. What the hell else do you want me to do?"

He narrowed his eyes and John knew that Ronon didn't believe him. "Try harder."

Making a frustrated noise, John turned and started running again.

Ronon didn't follow him this time.

John didn't go back. He ran until he was in a remote part of the city, where it was quiet. Technically this area wasn't cleared to be in yet, but he ran through here occasionally. Now he stopped, leaning against a railing and closing his eyes to feel the cool breeze drying his hair and clothes.

The fact that Ronon doubted him hurt.

He dropped his head. He honestly didn't know what to think anymore. He thought he felt better—a lot better—and he wanted to be back doing the job he was supposed to be doing. But apparently no one else thought the same things. How was he supposed to deal with that?

He wanted to be back on the job, back out there. He did! Ronon didn't know what he was thinking, how he felt. He didn't understand.

John sighed. Yeah, and honestly, neither did he.

He walked back to civilization slowly, letting his thoughts wander aimlessly. He didn't realize he had been out of radio range until he was suddenly in range and his earpiece was chirping like mad.

"Colonel Sheppard, report." Elizabeth. She sounded almost frantic.

"Sheppard here. What's going on?"

"John! Where have you been? We've been trying to get hold of you for the last ten minutes."

He blinked. "I was out jogging. What's wrong? Do you need me in the control room?"

"We have some conflicting reports from the science section. First we had a report of an explosion, but that cleared quickly only to have Atlantis lock down the entire science wing with containment protocols. I can't get any information in or out of the section."

He was running again, heading for that section. "Can you get hold of McKay? Where is Lorne?"

"Neither are answering radios."

"I'm almost to that section now. I'll see if I can get any more information. You aren't getting anything, any reason for the lockdown, up there?"

"Nothing. Atlantis seems to have cut off the entire section. I haven't been able to reach Radek, either."

He skidded around a corner, hitting a sealed door. "All right, I'm at the edges of it now. I'm going to try and force my way in. I'll keep you updated on my progress."

"Carson is pulling together a medical team. You might need a hazmat suit. I'll let you know more as soon as I hear any reports."

"I'm not in uniform since I wasn't on duty yet. Can you send a marine down here with BDUs and a gun?"

"Ronon is joining you shortly," she said instead.

"Tell him to bring a gun and pants." John pried off the panel next to the door. He had watched Rodney do this a million times, and he had a pretty good idea how they worked.

"He was running and is coming in directly. I'll keep you posted. Weir out."

John signed out, then immediately opened himself up to the city. "Come on, sweetheart. Tell me what's wrong. Let me in. I need to get to my people in there."

Atlantis was oddly quiet, a vague sense of hurt filtering through his link with the city.

Pausing, John closed his eyes and did something he didn't do very often—opened himself up completely to the city. "Tell me what's wrong. Show me so I can fix it. If you keep me locked out, I can't make it better."

It was strange at first. Pictures, images scrolling through his mind in a mini-slide show or movie. He saw Rodney and Zelenka, saw their hands moving as they talked to another scientist. The movements were sharp, edged with anger, their expressions dark. The scientist was not listening, kept shaking his head, gesturing in his own angry manner, refusing to move, to listen.

He watched as the device behind the scientist blinked, the small red light speeding up as time progressed.

John knew what was going to happen even before it did, even before Rodney tried to drag the scientist away.

The explosion wasn't huge, but it was enough to destroy the table it was sitting on and part of the wall immediately behind. It spewed forth a strange purple-colored smoke, toppling scientists as it spread through the labs.

One after another they dropped to the floor, lying still.

"Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck." John whispered. He wanted to howl, but knew it was more important to stay focused. He tapped his radio on, splitting off a small part of his concentration. He knew his voice probably sounded like it had no inflection, but he needed to stay with Atlantis. He called command even as he urged Atlantis to open the door for him, let him in. "Sheppard to Weir."

"What is it, John?"

"The problem was an Ancient device. It exploded—a small one, just took out a table and a few things nearby, no people—but then it let out some sort of gas that laid everyone flat. Still working on getting inside. Tell control to try and open the ventilation in that section. I'll work on it from this end, too."

"The ventilation system is on," she said tightly. "Carson's almost at the main entrance to the section in a full hazmat suit."

"Good." Not bothering to turn off his headset—he was a little distracted—John started talking to the city again. "Open the doors for me. The gas is gone, and I need to get to them. You have to let me in, sweetheart. I can't help them and fix this until you do."

"John?"

"Mmm?" Eyes still closed, he put one hand on the door, willing the city to open it.

"Who are you talking to?"

"Atlantis."

There was a long pause. "Sweetheart?"

He realized what she was talking about a beat later, and his ears went hot. "Um..."

Ronon picked that moment to run into the area, his feet loud against the floor. "You in?"

Shaking his head, John tuned everyone else out again. He knew he sounded like an idiot, but right now it was more important to get Atlantis to open the doors for him. "Come on, girl. I know you want to let me in there. The gas is gone, it won't hurt me. But I don't know what it did to them, and I need to get them to the infirmary. Open up for me, lift the lockdown."

Images flashed again and he watched as doors opened to admit Carson and his team on the other side of the section. He vaguely heard Elizabeth in his ear, letting him know the medical teams were in.

"Good girl." He knew Carson was best suited to helping the science team, so he re-diverted his attention. "Now I need to know exactly what it was for, and if it did any other damage." He blindly turned to the console. "Show me."

And suddenly John could feel a fire in his veins, a creeping sickness spreading through him.

He ignored the pain, and murmured soft reassurances. "We'll fix it. I promise. Elizabeth, shut down the ventilation. Seal off everything that's not essential to survival."

"The systems aren't responding and the ones that are have been very slow," John heard Elizabeth report a few beats later.

"It's affecting her ability to respond. It hurts. She's trying to help, but it's hard." He swallowed. "Going to try and free up some of her resources so she can do more."

"I have Simpson up here working on things," she said. "Rodney had sent her out for coffee, so she was clear of the science section."

"Good. Ronon, don't let me hit my head if I fall." That was all the warning he gave them before he did something he had never tried before—he dropped all the barriers, letting all of his consciousness sink into the city. Finding the places that hurt the most, he stepped between the circuits and the city, blocking the gas, trying to bridge connections that were shorting so she could engage the systems control was asking her to bring online. It was... the most frightening thing he had ever done. With every second ticking by, it was getting harder not to just get sucked up into the metallic tang of half-awareness, to let go and lose himself.

Atlantis was hurting, the gas slowing her reactions. It was like it was inhibiting her own thought processes, her own reactions.

He went as fast as he dared, trying to help her. _Show me. Show me what you need so I can help._

But Atlantis wasn't answering anymore, trapped in her own pain, her own injured systems. He kept getting glimpses of the medical team as it worked through the labs. Images spread out through the different labs as they worked.

Oh, this is going to suck. John did the only thing he could think of to help. The city needed more power to overcome the sluggishness the gas was inducing. So he gave it to her—poured all of his own energy into the pathways, knowing he was playing a dangerous game. His last thought before his awareness faded was that he hoped Rodney would be able to forgive him, someday.

But then Atlantis refused it, pushing it all back to him, shoving him away from her.

It felt like he had hit a brick wall. He was suddenly there again, in his own body, shut out from the systems—he couldn't even feel the hum in the back of his mind. Everything hurt, and he was vaguely aware that the soft whimpers he was hearing were coming from his own throat.

Ronon was kneeling next to him, hand on his shoulder. "You here?"

John slowly opened his eyes. There was still a job to do—he could indulge in self-pity and pain later. He started to push himself up. "Need to get to control. Whatever that gas is, it's making the systems in the city sluggish. Need to bypass them, reroute it."

"Science team is working on it."

"Need to get up there." John tried to get his feet underneath him.

Ronon didn't help or hinder him. "And do what?"

Glaring, John used the wall until he was once more standing. "Find a way to get her more power so she can use the systems designed to take care of things like this."

"Ventilation system is on."

"That's the problem. It's sucking it in to other parts of the city. Need to get it turned off." Moving slowly, John started back for the transporter. "Sheppard to Weir."

"Weir here."

"We need to shut down ventilation. And where the hell is Lorne? He wasn't in the lab when the damn device exploded."

"Simpson just got it working again. Why do we need to turn it off?"

"It's part of the reason Atlantis is running so sluggish. The gas is spreading and interfering with more and more pathways. We need to get it contained and get her more power. I'm on my way there now."

"It's venting outside, John. Simpson made sure of it." Elizabeth's voice was tense, tight.

"Maybe, but all I can tell you is that she's in a lot of pain, and it's spreading. And the further it spreads, the more trouble we're going to have getting everything back online later. We also need to divert as much power as possible into the main grid. Atlantis has systems designed to contain and decontaminate things like this, but the gas is preventing her from kicking them on completely."

"John, let the science team figure it out."

Stepping into the transporter, John ignored Ronon, who was right behind him. "They weren't inside the city, and they don't know where the problem areas are. I do."

"So are you telling me you don't trust the science staff?"

He made a frustrated noise, even as he stepped out of the transporter and into the control room. He saw quite a few eyes widen when they caught sight of him—not only was he not in uniform, he probably looked like hell—but he ignored it for now and went to a console, pulling up a map of the city. "You know I do. But none of them were inside the circuits. I was. I can show you where the worst of the problems are, because right now Atlantis is too confused to be able to do it accurately herself."

"The worst problem is in one of the smaller labs where the blast took place," Simpson replied sharply. "One of the walls has been breeched."

John nodded, quickly scrolling through screen until he found what he was looking for. It was a schematic of the wiring for the whole city. He swiftly highlighted the paths that he knew were the most affected. "Here. These are the problem spots. You can see it's spreading past the initial breach. It's already starting to have an effect on the secondary systems—if we don't stop or divert it, the primary systems are going to go down soon."

"The only way to do that would be to shut down the entire city," Simpson snapped. "I've already thought of that."

Instead of answering, John just brought up the controls he needed and started diverting power from all the non-essential systems. "Come on, let me back in before this becomes a problem we can't fix."

Simpson stepped back, her arms crossing over her chest. "I see I'm no longer needed, here," she said snidely. "I'm going to go help the rescue teams since _Doctor_ Sheppard here seems to be content in fixing things." A whoosh of fabric and Simpson was already headed down the stairs to the transporter.

He ignored her, and a few minutes later he got what he was looking for. Atlantis flickered in the back of his head again, and then the pathways—which he had been diverting—started to clear. Simpson had been venting into open air, but she hadn't adjusted for the toxicity of whatever the hell that stuff was. As Atlantis started to take over, systems all over bounced back into John's awareness and he sank into a chair.

And then the entire science section shut down as Atlantis tried to contain the contamination to the systems. He could hear the squawks and yells through the radio as the rescue teams were plunged into darkness.

John hit his radio, eyes back on the screen. The city was rapidly rerouting things now, getting faster as the power he had given her allowed all the automated systems to turn on and do their thing. "It will be back up shortly. Everyone just hang tight for a minute."

His words didn't stop them from complaining, however. And then there was that red area on the screen—where the initial blast had occurred. That section was not going to be powering back up if what he read was correct. Atlantis was finally containing the poison to that area.

He brought up the life signs for the area, relieved to see it had been completely evacuated. The science team could deal with decontamination and getting access again later. Right now John was just concerned with getting his people to safety and making sure his city was still in one piece.

John took a deep breath, letting some of the tension wash away. Things were under control.

He rubbed the bridge of his nose, then looked up to find Elizabeth. He was pretty sure he was going to be in all kinds of trouble.

Her face was dark, tight. Oh yeah, she was not happy. "My office. Now."

Rising, John shoved aside the aches in his muscles and tried to ignore the sideways looks he was still getting. He moved as quickly as he could into her office, sinking into one of the guest chairs.

Elizabeth was quiet as she walked behind her desk, the door to her office closing quietly. "Would you like to explain that to me?"

"There's not a lot to explain. I... connected with the city. I knew what the problem was, and what needed to be done to fix it. I'm sorry if I offended Simpson, but I did what I needed to do to protect my city and my people."

"Next time you might try explaining what you're doing."

"I tried, but to be honest, there wasn't a lot of time, and I'm not sure exactly how to put it in words. I could feel it, like sharp stabs of pain all over my body."

"Simpson has the gene. You could have told her how to find the information, helped her to understand how to fix the problem instead of shoving her out of the way."

"There wasn't time." John sighed. "And I'm not sure she could have done it. When I've tried to talk to other carriers, I get a lot of blank looks when I mention connecting with the city directly. And this time I went deeper than I had dared before—and the only reason I'm still here is because Atlantis herself kicked me out when I started to lose a hold on my sense of self."

Elizabeth's jaw tightened as her eyes narrowed. "And you thought this was a good idea?"

"Not especially. But I didn't have a lot of choice. I didn't know what that gas was, all I knew was that Atlantis was struggling to contain it. She needed help, and no one else could give it to her. I could. And did."

She was quiet for a long moment, her eyes intent on him. "I want a full report from you on the incident."

"You'll have one this afternoon. Before I do that though, I want to find Lorne and make sure he's okay, and then swing by the infirmary to find out the status of the scientists who were trapped there." He was resolutely not thinking about the still, lifeless bodies Atlantis had shown him. Rodney wasn't dead. He couldn't be.

"His name was among the injured."

"He wasn't in the labs—how did he get hurt?"

"Yes, he was. He was found in the botany lab along with several scientists."

Ahh. Parrish. Atlantis had only shown him the main lab—he had forgotten botany was in that section too. John nodded. "Right. I'll just head down and check on everyone there then. Because half the team is currently in the infirmary, I'll look at the rosters to see who can temporarily run the first-contacts until both Lorne and McKay are released and cleared for off-world missions again."

"John, I'll take care of it. You might want to look over the list of the injured before you head down." Elizabeth handed him her PDA. "I was keeping track as the teams found the bodies. There are two dead at the initial count."

His fists clenched convulsively and he refused to look down. If Rodney's name was on there, he would be useless—and right now he needed to keep it together. "How many injured total?"

Elizabeth sighed. "Fifty-three."

"Fuck." John set the PDA down without looking. "You need me at full capacity until Lorne is cleared. I'm reassuming command of the military on-base. If you want to stand me back down later, fine, but right now I'm needed and I'm not going to sit around and twiddle my thumbs."

"The labs were just about at full capacity," she said, sitting down in the chair behind her desk.

"So we're going to be short-handed. A lot of my men do have some skills we can draft for any emergencies. Otherwise, until McKay or Zelenka are back up and around, I'd suggest having Simpson look at all the projects and repairs scheduled and pare it down to what's absolutely essential. Any personnel she has still functional can be temporarily reassigned, and I'll contribute anyone with any kind of useful skills to serve as assistants if nothing else."

"Right now, the infirmary needs triage people. Carson's heading back to treat people, but they're still transporting the injured. Until he figures out what the contaminant was, we're going to be severely short-staffed. We're down to less than a skeleton crew in science."

"I'll reassign as many men as I can spare to the infirmary for now then. Since I'm pretty sure Simpson isn't going to be interested in talking to me, just have her send me a list of the biggest holes she has, and as I can, I'll send her men to try and help."

"No John, you don't understand. As of right now, we have no science department."

John rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to ease the headache forming. "Did we have anyone off-world who can be recalled?"

"Two teams of Marines at the Alpha site. Another science team on long-term assignment studying geological formations on MJ8-949."

"All right, we can recall one of the teams from the Alpha, and the science team. I'll go through the rosters and see what degrees my men have that can be put to practical use in the short term. If the few remaining scientists uninjured can direct them, we can probably keep the city from collapsing around our ears."

"The scientists can't help."

"So my men will do it. As a group, we're a lot smarter than we let on, generally. Not as smart as the geeks, obviously, and we won't be solving any new problems, but we can at least keep things operational."

Elizabeth closed her eyes for a minute and John saw just how tired and worn out she was. She nodded, waving her hand. "Fine."

He nodded, rising. "I'll get you my report and the reassignments by this afternoon."

"That's fine," she said quietly. "I'll forward you my preliminary list of the injured."

He didn't know what else he could tell her, right now. So he nodded and headed out, detouring to his room for a fast change into uniform. His next order of business was to announce a meeting on the military channel—when he arrived in the mess, a little over two-thirds of his men were there—good. John climbed onto a chair and got their attention. "All right, the explosion and subsequent release of toxic gas in the labs this morning has left the city in very short supply of qualified individuals to keep operations running. I know a lot of you have advanced degrees. Anyone willing and able to help out, raise your hand."

Several hands went up. Less than he expected, but better than none.

"All right, those of you with your hands up, please stay. The rest of you, for the moment stick to regular shifts. All off-world missions have been suspended until further notice."

As the majority of the military staff exited, the ones who had volunteered shifted into a small group off to one side.

John got off the chair and sat down, gesturing them forward. "Thank you for volunteering. Right now, with very few exceptions, the science staff is out of commission. We're not going to try and fill their shoes. There is a reason they do what they do. However, we are going to make sure the city doesn't blow up or sink until more of them are operational again. Give me your degrees and experience, and I'll work with Simpson on getting you assigned temporarily to maintenance teams."

They came up one by one, giving John time to jot down their experience, already making mental notes on where they can best be placed. There were five field medics which he sent directly to the infirmary.

Once he had all the information, and had dismissed the men, he tapped his radio on. "Sheppard to Simpson."

"Yes, sir?" Her tone was frosty.

He mentally sighed. "Look, I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to step on your toes, I just didn't have time to explain. I know you're more than just short-handed right now. I have a list of volunteers from my troops that have at least some technical experience. When you get a minute, I'd like to sit down with you and see where they can be used. It's not ideal, but I'm hoping this will help cover the immediate labor shortage for anything critical."

"I'll take it under advisement, sir. Just send me the list and I'll contact them when I have a chance."

He sighed again, but made sure to add his own name and qualifications—including things he didn't usually make public—and shot it off using his PDA. "It's on its way to you now. If you do decide to use them, just let me know so I can reassign all their current duties elsewhere and give you their full time."

"I'll keep you informed, sir. Anything else?"

"Not right now. Thanks. Sheppard out."

Simpson tapped off her radio without a closing salutation. Apparently, Rodney's staff was taking lessons directly from him these days.

John busied himself with other things, writing his report and getting it to Elizabeth, handling personnel management, and generally staying in the thick of things. He managed to completely avoid the infirmary and the lists of the dead—which had grown since this morning.

From the initial report from the infirmary, the device had released some kind of nerve toxin, mostly just resulting in the science staff losing consciousness. Although it had been deadly to some because of certain interactions with their body chemistries.

It was late when John returned to the mess, grabbing one of the sandwiches the kitchen staff had put out for those people helping with cleanup and triage who needed a fast bite, along with a cup of strong coffee. He found a quiet chair in the corner and sank down.

A body slumped into the chair across from him a few minutes later. "Sir." Lorne looked horrible.

"Should you be up and about?" John pushed his tray across the table—the other man didn't look like he had eaten all day.

"They need the beds."

"I can imagine. I haven't been down there since I wanted to stay out of the way. Eat something, and then go head to bed. No offense, but you look like shit."

"Most look worse, sir. Sorry I wasn't around to help you."

"Not your fault, Lorne. Everyone injured is off-duty until the med team clears you. So take a few days to rest and recover. All off-world missions have been temporarily suspended, and with most of the science team out of commission, our men are helping out with critical city functions. So don't worry about anything—just rest up."

"I've been released," he said with a shrug. "Most of the botany department, as well."

"You didn't get the brunt of it back there," John agreed. "Still, take whatever you need to recover. I'd rather wait a few days and have you back at full capacity, than force you on duty running on reserves."

"I think Radek is on his feet already, too."

"Is he?" John perked up a bit at that. Simpson was still snubbing him, which made it damn hard to make sure the city had what it needed personnel-wise. "I'll go track him down when I finish here then."

Lorne nodded. "The gas was strange. Affected everyone differently, too."

"That's what I heard. The list of deceased is up to about fifteen." John rubbed his forehead.

"Two of those were Parrish's friends. He'd worked with them for years."

"I'm sorry." It was inadequate, he knew, but he meant it. "How is David doing?"

"Sleeping right now."

"Good. Take tomorrow off. I can deal with the base, and he'll appreciate having you there."

Lorne shook his head. "Things to do, sir. Parrish will be fine."

"You don't have anything to do right now—if I have to, I'll make it an order. You need a break, Evan. Take it."

"I could say the same thing, sir," he replied, his voice tightening.

"For the moment I've resumed command of the base." John kept his voice almost gentle. "And I've had more of a rest lately than you have. You've done a phenomenal job, doing both yours and mine, but you were already worn out. This is just another thing on top of it. Take the day, and rest as much as you can. I'll need you back at full speed to keep things running as smoothly as possible until the bulk of the scientists are back on their feet."

"Yes, sir," he said, shoving back his chair and standing. He moved a few steps away, before pausing and turning back. "McKay was released about two hours ago. If you'd checked in I'm sure Beckett would have let you know."

Tension John hadn't even known he was carrying suddenly flooded out of him, and he sagged into his seat, head falling forward into his hands. "Oh, thank god, he isn't dead."

"No. Not dead."

Looking up, John didn't care that he wasn't hiding anything right now. "I couldn't look. There was too much that needed to get done, and if he was... I would have been useless."

"Still have to get done either way, sir."

"I know. That's why I didn't look." He ran a hand through his hair, pushing himself up. He needed to go find Rodney, see for himself that his lover really was okay.

"Is that all, sir?"

"Yes, and thank you." John dumped the tray. He still hadn't eaten, but he could grab something later in the room.

"I'll be in my quarters if you need anything."

Since they were going the same way, John nodded. "I'll be on call tonight, and on duty tomorrow."

"I'll be on as well, sir, unless you're ordering me to stand down."

John shook his head. "I'm not going to do that. I just want you to take some well-deserved rest."

"I will."

As they stepped out of the transporter, John smiled at him. "Good. Call me or find me when you're ready to work again, and I'll put you in charge of something. God knows, you're one of my smart ones. I'll probably need you helping out with city maintenance and repairs."

"I'm sure most of the science staff will be back on their feet tomorrow, sir."

"That would be a huge relief if they are. But I'd rather plan for the worst and hope for the best."

"You might want to talk to Doctor Beckett."

"I will. I knew he was swamped today, so I was staying out of the way. But I'll track him down in the morning for a full report."

Lorne nodded, gesturing down the hall. "I'll be on radio if you need me, sir."

"Good night, Evan." John stepped into the suite, letting the door close behind him. The lights were up—good, Rodney was probably here then. "Rodney?"

His lover didn't reply, so John headed into the bedroom, stopping at the door as soon as he caught sight of Rodney—dead asleep, naked, half on, half off the bed.

The knots in his stomach completely released, and John felt almost giddy. He moved silently to his lover's side, running one finger lightly across the other man's face. "You're alive."

Rodney shifted and started sliding off the bed. John caught him, moving him carefully so he wasn't so precariously posed.

He laid his lover on the bed, and then quickly covered him up. John stripped down himself, and sat on the bed, content to just watch the rise and fall of Rodney's chest.

He looked fine. Sleeping, but fine, as if the events this morning hadn't even happened. Rodney shifted again, rolling onto his side and into John. He huffed.

Smiling, John put a hand on Rodney's shoulder, caressing gently.

Rodney hummed softly, shifting again.

"I was terrified I had lost you today," John whispered softly. "I got a glimpse of you collapsing, and the number of dead kept rising... I was so afraid and I had to push it aside because everyone else needed me to hold it together."

"'m here."

"Hey. Didn't mean to wake you up." John couldn't stop touching though, caressing.

"Not staying asleep long. Restless," he said, opening his eyes. They were tired, slightly glassy.

"Yeah, it's been a long day. I'm guessing Beckett only released you because he needed the bed. Have you eaten? I can get you something."

"I wasn't unconscious and yes, he needed the bed."

John swallowed hard. "I... I saw you collapse. I connected with Atlantis, was trying to find out what had happened. She showed me bits and pieces, and I saw you fall, and you weren't moving. I couldn't even look at the lists of the dead, only the counts, because I knew if I saw your name, I would lose it, and I was needed too much today for that."

"So that's why my hip is bruised," Rodney said absently, lifting the blanket to look.

John immediately reached out, running his palm over the bruise. "Does it hurt?"

Rodney shrugged. "Little." He looked up at John. "You okay?"

John debated not telling Rodney about his day, lying, but he knew he would get caught, and it would only hurt the other man. So he did, as quickly as possible, admitting he was exhausted and still had dull aches and a headache lingering from when he had briefly merged with the city.

"So why aren't you in bed?" Rodney asked when John was done.

"I am in bed. I was in the mess grabbing something to eat when Lorne showed up looking like death. I gave him my sandwich, and then he mentioned you had been released, so I came here."

"You're sitting on the bed."

"I was watching you sleep. It was…restful."

"Are you done for the day?"

John nodded. "I'm on call, so I'll keep my radio close by, but otherwise, yes. I do need to eat something before I sleep, though. I haven't had anything since our breakfast."

"Oh," Rodney's face quieted for a moment. "No naked cuddling then?"

Chuckling, John laid down beside him, pulling Rodney into his arms. "Naked cuddling is most definitely on the agenda."

"But you're on call and you need to eat," Rodney protested weakly even as he snuggled into John.

"On call just means if someone calls, I'll get dressed and go. But the odds of that happening are slim. And while I am a little hungry, I'd much rather be doing this." John worked a knee between Rodney's legs, allowing him to pull his lover even closer.

"Me, too," Rodney said, a smile on his lips.

They both relaxed, with lots of nuzzling and light kisses on both sides. John realized he was incredibly content, and after a day like today, that was not only really nice, it was surprising, too. "You really are the best thing that's ever happened to me, you know that, right?"

"Hmm?" Rodney said, nosing in to lick a patch of skin on John's shoulder.

John let his head fall to the side, giving his lover more room to play. "I love you so much."

"Love you," he mumbled, shifting again, pressing closer to John with a quiet, content sigh.

John just tightened his arms around the other man, trying to ensure there was no space between them at all.

There was something even more intimate to lay quietly like this, even more than sex or fucking.

Exhaustion reared its head, and John felt himself starting to relax, succumbing to the lure of sleep.

He woke a while later, the moonlight shining through the windows into the bedroom. Rodney was no longer next to him in the bed, the sheets cool to the touch. A quiet, hushed cough floated in from the master bathroom. The lights weren't on, but that didn't mean Rodney wasn't in there.

"Rodney?"

As soon as John heard the sounds of retching, he was out of bed in two seconds flat.

He brought the lights up to their dimmest setting and was at his lover's side immediately. "Hey. What's wrong? Is it still from the gas?"

Rodney was hunched over the toilet, looking miserable. He nodded. "Carson said it might come back."

"Do you want me to call him?"

"It'll pass. I didn't mean to wake you."

"You're sick. I want to be awake to help." John knelt down and rubbed small circles on Rodney's back. "Tell me what he told you before he released you."

"To rest." He paused, sighing quietly. "To call him if I started throwing up again."

"I'm calling him then—I'd rather be safe than sorry." John rose, heading out and cursing himself for letting fear stop him from calling Beckett earlier to find out everything they had learned about this damn gas. "Sheppard to the infirmary."

"Doctor Biro, Colonel. How can I help you?"

"Evening, Doctor. McKay is throwing up, and I guess Beckett had given him instructions to call if it started again. I wasn't sure if I should bring him down there, or if I need to give him anything."

"How bad is it?"

"Not sure. He was already getting sick when I woke up and heard it. And he's still in there. It doesn't seem to be steady, but he's looking pretty miserable." John walked back to the bathroom door, watching the sorry little pile of unhappiness that was his lover and best friend.

"Did he just start throwing up or did you just hear him now?"

John walked back in, putting his hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Hey, buddy. The infirmary needs to know how long you've been throwing up."

Rodney shrugged, gagging a little, but nothing came up. "Second time I'm in here since you got home."

Silently cursing himself, John repeated the information, including that Rodney was dry-heaving now.

"That means he probably got rid of everything in his stomach. Any blood?"

"I don't know. Rodney, has there been any blood, or just whatever you ate today?"

"Trying not to look," he said, resting his head against the cool side of the bowl.

John threaded his fingers through Rodney's hair, trying to offer some comfort. "I don't see any, Doc, but I can't be sure. And he was trying not to look while he was getting sick."

"I don't blame him. Vomiting is nasty business. See if he can hold down some water. I'll send a nurse with a shot for him."

"Thanks. We appreciate it. Sheppard out." John knelt down again. "I'm going to grab us both some boxers and get you a glass of water. Biro is sending a nurse with something to help, and wants you to try and see if you can stay hydrated by yourself, okay?"

Rodney shook his head. "Don't want clothes. Just want to sleep."

"The nurse is coming, so you have to put on boxers. I'll take them back off you when she leaves."

"No."

"Not really an option here, buddy." John walked back into the main room and pulled on his own boxers, grabbing Rodney's at the same time.

"No," Rodney said again before dry heaving into the toilet again.

John rubbed his back. "I know. You just want to stay here. But you'll be embarrassed later if the nurse sees you naked. I'll do all the work—all you have to do is let me pull them on you."

"No."

With a sigh, John draped them over the edge of the sink. He wasn't going to push his obviously miserable lover. Then he would be forced to punish him, and John really didn't want that. Hopefully the nurse would remember a little thing called doctor-patient confidentiality.

There was a quiet knock at the door a few minutes later and John padded into the living room, opening the door with a mental command. Angela, one of Beckett's nurses, was standing there looking tired and a little frayed. "Doctor Biro said you called."

"Yeah. Rodney's getting sick in the bathroom. He was actually throwing up earlier, but now he's down to dry heaving." He stepped aside to let her in.

"He's not the only one," she said quietly. "Does he have a fever or any other symptoms?"

"He's pretty miserable, and he didn't want to put on any clothes, so I think he might be running a bit of a fever." John led the way into the bedroom, not caring what impression she was getting—right now Rodney's health was more important. "How long are we expecting the symptoms to last in most people?"

"We're not sure," she said, kneeling down next to Rodney, her touch light on his forehead. "Hey, Doc. Sheppard tells me you've been throwing up. How long have you been at it?"

Rodney opened an eye briefly to look at her. "A while. Feels like forever."

"Why didn't you call us earlier?"

"Didn't want to bother Carson."

She tsked as she opened her small kit, pulling out an alcohol swab and a vital and syringe. "This should help calm your stomach and get you to stop throwing up. But Carson would want you to keep hydrated."

John went to the kitchen to get a small glass of cold water, bringing it back to hand to the nurse for Rodney. "How long will it take for what you gave him to kick in?"

"Fifteen to thirty minutes," she said, wiping the back of Rodney's neck with a wet washcloth. She'd already given him the shot. "We should probably rinse his mouth out first before we give him the good stuff."

John nodded. "Hey, buddy. Can you try sipping a little water for me? You can either swallow it if you're up to it, or just swish and spit it out."

Angela helped John get Rodney sitting up straight and he let them, rinsing out his mouth and spitting into the bowl. "I'll let Doctor Beckett know and have him stop back in the morning. If he throws up again, call us immediately."

John nodded. "Should we get him back into bed first? Or let him stay here? I don't want him to pass out of the floor—it's bad for his back."

"Bed would be warmer. If you have a wastebasket or something, you can use that. Hopefully, he won't have to use it."

John nodded. "I'll find something. Hey, Rodney? We're going to get you back to bed now, okay? Can you stand, or do you want some help?"

Rodney lifted his head and glared.

John just looked back, worried and afraid of what that damn gas had done.

"I'm not five."

"I'm willing to wait on you hand and foot—if I were you I wouldn't pass on the opportunity. Come on, bed. You'll be warmer and more comfortable, and once the drugs kick in you can sleep."

Rodney huffed, but let Angela and John help him into bed. He was steadier on his feet than John thought he'd be and not self-conscious about his nakedness—or his adornments. That surprised John. Either he was really that out of it or else his lover had become really comfortable in his own skin.

They settled him in under the covers, tugging them up under his chin. They got him to drink half a cup of water before he waved them off, trying to dig himself deeper into the bed.

They left him to get comfortable, John following her back out into the living room. "Anything other than vomiting I need to keep an eye out for?"

Angela sighed and offered a shrug. "We've had such a vast array of symptoms it's hard to say. Honestly, he's one of the least affected if he's only been throwing up. I think Doctor Biro was about ready to put on her heavy-duty morgue clothes when a few of the scientists came to while projectile vomiting. Doctor Beckett refused to let her."

"Christ." John ran a hand through his hair. "I sent down everyone who had any field medic experience to help you guys out—did it do any good at all? And can you use more hands? There are more that don't have experience, but who can follow orders."

"I think they did. I was working with Doctor Beckett for most of the day with some of the more problematic patients. And with Doctors McKay and Zelenka. You might want to check with the infirmary in the morning…which is not that far away now."

Nodding, he sighed. He wasn't getting any more sleep tonight. "Do you get to rest any time soon?"

"That's where I’m heading. I was going past, so Doctor Biro figured it would be easy for me to stop in. And besides, we all have our favorite patients and Doctor McKay is one of mine."

She had just endeared herself to John for all time. He gave her a soft smile. "Thanks. A lot. I won't keep you from your bed any longer then—go take that very well-deserved rest."

"I will," she said with a smile which turned knowing a moment later. "And, sir? Nice choice of jewelry, sir."

John's flush went all the way down his chest. "Ahh, thanks?"

This time she laughed. "Night, sir, and try to get some sleep."

Once she was gone, he shook his head, still feeling warm. He popped his head into the bedroom, thinking he'd check on Rodney, then grab something to eat and maybe work a little, get caught up on the reports from the infirmary he had avoided yesterday.

Rodney was awake, looking decidedly miserable. The covers had been shoved down to his waist and he had curled onto his side.

John moved closer, putting a hand in the middle of his lover's back. "Hey."

"Hey," Rodney said quietly, leaning back into John's touch.

"Drugs kicking in at all, yet?" John started to rub, trying to offer what comfort he could.

"Mmm…little, I think. That might help."

"Yeah, once they start working, you'll be able to sleep." John leaned in far enough to press a kiss into Rodney's shoulder. "I'll stay here with you until you do."

"Where are you going?"

"I'll put some light stuff together for you to try nibbling on—I don't want your hypoglycemia to kick up and complicate things. And then I was going to read through the reports on this damn gas and what it's doing."

Rodney's eyes widened and he pouted—damn him. "I thought there was supposed to be naked cuddling."

John couldn't resist that look if his life depended on it. He shifted so he was lying next to Rodney, already pulling the other man into his arms.

"Mmm…better."

Chuckling, John pressed a kiss to Rodney's temple. "Go to sleep. Hopefully when you wake up, this will have mostly run its course and you'll feel a lot better."

Rodney shifted, shoving his knee between John's legs and wrapping himself around John. Yeah, there was no way he was going to untangle himself from octopus!Rodney tonight.

John decided not to fight it. He relaxed into his lover, his own trials from the day still weighing him down. He dozed, off and on, for the next several hours. Sun was starting to stream into the room when he heard his radio chirp. Unwinding from his grumbling lover just enough to reach over and grab it, John hooked it around his ear. "Sheppard," he yawned right in the middle of talking, "here."

"Sorry to wake you, John," Elizabeth said. "I was hoping to schedule a meeting this morning before you got too busy. I have reports in from Carson."

"No problem. What time do you want me? Do I have time to get a shower?"

"Two hours enough time?"

"Perfect. Your office? And you want me to bring McKay if he's feeling better?"

"Only if he is. Otherwise have him stay in bed."

"I can do that." John hoped she didn't hear the slight intake of breath as Rodney—who was apparently awake now—got a hand under his boxers and started to stroke him.

"Good. Bring breakfast and we can work through."

"Right. See you then. Sheppard out."

As Elizabeth signed off, Rodney hummed to himself, his tongue held between his teeth as he concentrated.

John made sure his radio was off before he arched up with a moan. "F…feeling better I take it?"

Rodney shrugged. "Want you to feel good."

Turning his head, John kissed whatever skin he could reach. "You always do."

"I don't think I can swallow," Rodney said quietly, glancing up at John.

"You aren't going to blow me this morning. I don't want to make you sick again. In fact," John rolled them, so he was on top, straddling Rodney on his back. "I think it should be the other way around."

"Hey!" he said, his face showing his surprise.

Chuckling, John wiggled his ass against Rodney's crotch. "Since you had a really bad day yesterday, I'm going to give you a present. Pick one toy—any toy, and any punishment bans are lifted for today only—and I'll use it on you. Keep in mind though, that we have a meeting to go to in two hours, assuming you're up to it. If not, you get to stay here and rest while I go to the meeting."

"Really?" Rodney's eyes widened and his face opened up a little. It was like a few years dropped away.

Smiling, John nodded. He loved getting to be the one who made Rodney look like that. "Really."

"Just one?"

"Well, I'll use other stuff on you too, I'm sure. But you get to pick one thing you really want used on you today." John ran his hands up Rodney's chest, enjoying the way his lover felt underneath him, the almost brilliantly open smile he was getting that made his chest ache with the need to love and cherish this man.

"But I really want…would like two things, well, three technically, but only two of them are things…items."

John had to grin. "Tell you what, tell me what they all are, and depending on what you list, I may or may not give you all three. This is a present after all."

Rodney's smile brightened. "The non-thing…item. I'd like you to fuck me this morning."

"Mmmm. I'm pretty sure I can manage that. It was on my list, too." Grinding down a little, John smiled when he felt his lover starting to get hard.

Rodney moaned, panting a little. "Plug. A good one to keep you in me."

John had had a feeling that would be Rodney's item—which was why he had stipulated that punishment bans were suspended for the day. He knew not being able to wear one left Rodney feeling empty. "You can have your favorite, the steel jeweled one."

"And…chastity cage."

That one made John's eyebrow raise—he hadn't been expecting it. "After you come. I want to see and hear and taste you this morning. But before we leave, I'll put one on you if you'd like to wear it."

"Please, John," Rodney nodded, his hands caressing the tops of John's thighs.

"Mmmm. Not like it's a hardship. Knowing you're all locked away, saved for me alone... It's always going to be really fucking hot."

"All yours…always."

John had to taste him. The kiss was demanding—he was claiming Rodney, claiming his right as a top to demand his sub's submission.

And Rodney opened up entirely under him, kissing him back, letting John plunder his mouth. Rodney's hands traced patterns on his back, fingers digging into muscles as he arched into John.

John had to break it—if he didn't, he wasn't going to be able to do this right. "Don't move. I need to get the plug, cage, and lube before this goes any further."

"Not moving," Rodney panted, sprawled across the bed.

John slid off the bed, shucking his boxers at the same time. He grabbed the toy keys, and unlocked the drawer where the plugs had been placed, pulling out Rodney's favorite. He then opened the regular toy drawer and found the plastic cage his lover could wear all day comfortably, and be able to take care of things like relieving himself. The lube was on the bedside table, so that was the last thing he grabbed, setting it all out for Rodney to see.

Rodney was smiling, watching John as he moved around the room. He still looked a little pale, but he was substantially better than last night.

Reaching out, John flicked one of the nipple rings Rodney was wearing. "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are, all stretched out and decked out for me?"

His lover moaned, eyes sliding closed a little as the sensation washed over him. It seemed like he was a little more responsive and sensitive this morning.

Using his nail, John traced random paths all over Rodney's chest and thighs, occasionally nipping in to flick a nipple, or scratch across the head of his lover's erection.

Rodney moaned and whimpered, his body arching and bucking up into John's touches, trembling continuously. His hands fisted in the sheets, hanging on tightly.

"So responsive," John whispered. He loved doing this to Rodney. Watching him surrender to the pleasure.

"Please," Rodney begged, panting.

"Pull your knees up for me."

Rodney whimpered, but did as John requested, his feet flat on the mattress. He shifted his legs to the side, opening himself up for John.

"Beautiful..." John whispered the praise even as he slicked a finger and traced it down and back, pressing into his lover.

He moaned, lifting his hips for John. Eager. So eager.

One finger became two, then three as John stretched and coated Rodney. His own dick was aching now with the need to be inside its most favorite place in two galaxies.

"Please, John, please," Rodney panted, begging. His ass was still in the air, arms and shoulders planted on the bed.

"Yeah, yeah, I know..." John pulled his fingers free, coating himself completely. Lining them up, he groaned as he pushed home, not stopping until he was buried so deep inside Rodney, he was surprised the other man couldn't taste him.

A long, deep keening erupted from his lover, his body trembling with need and want. He bore down on John, squeezing him and then relaxing as if he was trying to get more of John inside of him.

"Shhh. I've got you. I'm here." John blanketed Rodney's body with his own, pressing them as close together as possible.

Rodney wrapped his legs around John, hooking his ankles and tugging him closer. He moaned in pleasure, his fingers digging into John's back. Yep. There would be bruises.

They stayed that way for a few minutes, John flattening Rodney into the bed, Rodney welcoming it, tugging him even closer. Finally, though, the need to move was overwhelming John. He began to rock his hips.

"Oh, yes," Rodney whispered. "So good. More."

That was all the encouragement John needed. He lifted himself up on his elbows, and used the new leverage to start thrusting harder.

Rodney moaned, rising up to meet each of John's thrusts, his body trembling as a thin film of sweat covered his body.

Not wanting this to end too soon, John forced himself to keep the pace slow, steady. Dragging out the pleasure for as long as possible.

And Rodney…god, Rodney was so open, so wonton, so submissive and responsive.

John wanted. And more than just sex, he wanted Rodney. He lowered his head to bite his sub's shoulder hard, knowing it would leave a large mark.

And Rodney shouted in pleasure and surprise, arching into John's mouth. His fingers dug into John's back again, a panted "yes" his only real verbal response. His body was screaming "yes yes yes" more than enough for him.

Continuing to thrust, John worked at the patch of skin at the same time, making it rough, wanting Rodney to feel it down to his toes.

Rodney's hands slid down to cup John's ass, squeezing tightly.

Moaning, John just bit harder, keeping just enough of his concentration that he made sure he was just shy of breaking the skin.

"More, god, more…"

John worked the skin, worked his hips, until he could feel his orgasm rushing closer. "Come, Rodney. Come now."

Rodney groaned and shuddered and John could feel him pulsing between them, his orgasm rolling through his body.

John wasn't far behind. The rhythmic contractions around his own dick pulled him over the edge. John bit down hard again as he came, claiming his lover in every way possible.

Rodney was slumped against the bed, breathing heavily, totally wrecked. The paleness was gone, replaced by a slight pink color that John associated with a healthy and content Rodney.

He didn't have the energy to stop flattening the other man yet—which would also mean pulling out—but he also knew Rodney liked this, too. Liked being pressed down, held down. John licked at the deep bruises he had left on Rodney's shoulder.

His lover moaned, shifting under John, pressing up into John's mouth.

Chuckling, his voice sounding rough even to him, John got together enough coordination to actually lick and kiss at the spot a little. "Mine."

Rodney hummed his agreement, turning his neck to the side and offering it to John.

John kissed his way up, nipping in a few places just to hear the soft purrs it got him.

By the time John reached Rodney's ear, his lover was panting again, pleading quietly for "more".

John blew softly in his lover's ear before using his tongue to lavish it with attention.

Rodney arched into John—as much as he could—moaning loudly. "Oh god, John, please."

Humming, John worked a hand between them, wanting to see if Rodney was hard again.

And he was. Gloriously hard and leaking for him. As soon as John touched him, his hand wrapping around his cock, Rodney groaned, his body shuddering.

"So fucking perfect." John stroked him a few times, nibbling and licking and kissing a bit more.

"Please, John," Rodney begged.

Since John had never pulled out, he had to moan himself when Rodney started to squeeze around him. His body seemed on the fence about whether or not he could get hard again this fast.

When Rodney's semi-coordinated limbs finally wrapped around him again, his hands tugging him closer, squeezing his ass, John moaned.

John hips stuttered, and since he was still inside Rodney... oh god oh god oh god....

"So good, John…"

Rocking slowly, John let the sensations wash over him, coax his body back to full arousal.

"Mark me, please…oh god, please, John…" Rodney was moaning, begging and pleading.

God, so responsive... John couldn't deny him, in thrall to Rodney's needs. He mouthed his way to the opposite shoulder nipping and licking at a new spot.

His lover moaned, his body shuddering with each pass of John's tongue and teeth. It was as if Rodney couldn't get enough, was trying to drink in as much of John as he could.

As it built for a second time, John's bites got harder, the bruise getting bigger.

But Rodney just tugged him closer, his pants and moans growing louder as he lost himself in the sensations. He kept begging John for "more", "harder", his "so good" only encouraging John to continue, to draw it out.

It was like they were in their own little time warp pleasure bubble. John never wanted it to end.

Rodney rhythmically squeezed John's cock, his muscles encouraging John to harden and lengthen inside him, filling him once again.

John drew it out as long as he could, kept the pace slow, his mark growing. But he could tell from the increasingly desperate pleas from Rodney that his lover was getting close. "You're all hard and leaking for me, aren't you? You like it, like knowing you won't dare come until you're told because your cock is mine. Your body is mine. And when we're done here I'll lock it all away so I'm the only one who gets to see it, touch it."

"Oh god, yes. Yours, all yours," Rodney panted. "So hard. All for you."

"You're so good, such a good boy. Respond so beautifully to me. Makes me want to do it all, everything, spend weeks finding new ways to make your body scream with pleasure."

"Only you," he panted, breathing heavily. "Please, John…please…"

John bit down hard again. "Want you feeling this all day long. Thinking of me, of right now, of what I'll do to you tonight."

Rodney's breath caught in his throat, his entire body tense as John bit down, relaxing once he was able to draw in another ragged breath. John could feel his rock-hard cock between them. Without looking, John knew it was bright red and leaking. "Yes…all day, all night…just you, only you…"

"Good boy." John rewarded his sub with a kiss, passionate, demanding, possessive.

He arched up into it, moaning into John's mouth, opening up to let John dive inside.

John shifted his body so he had a little leverage once again, managing it without breaking the kiss. He pulled almost all the way out of his lover, then slammed back in, hard. Breaking off from Rodney's mouth, John found his pulse-point, beating fast. When he slammed in again, he sucked that little patch of skin between his teeth.

Rodney's body shuddered hard, moaning loudly.

John kept up the almost brutal thrusts, angling to make sure he tagged his lover's prostate every time. All the while he sucked his mark bigger and bigger. There was no way Rodney would be able to hide it today.

"God, please…John, please…" Rodney sounded nearly broken, most certainly wrecked.

Sitting up slightly, John hooked his arms around Rodney's legs and pushed, unwrapping them from around his waist and almost bending his lover in half. The new position let him thrust even harder, push Rodney that much further.

Rodney groaned loudly, keening as John fucked him senseless.

Finally John knew he couldn't last much longer. "Come for me. Come so hard your dick aches for days."

And Rodney did—screaming John's name. He climaxed hard, his cock pulsing between them, coating their stomachs. The pleasure rolled through his body, leaving it twitching and shaking even as his head lolled to the side, consciousness checking out for a few minutes.

John thrust a few more times, close himself, riding out Rodney's orgasm before he allowed himself to let go.

After a moment of recovery, he slowly let Rodney's legs slip back to the bed. He grabbed the plug off the bed, coated it with a little lube, then pulled out, only to immediately press the cool metal in his place. When Rodney regained consciousness, it would be to find John trapped deep inside him.

He used the next few minutes to clean Rodney up and lock his now softened cock into the chastity cage, locking it in place. The shower would take care of the rest of the mess once he was back in the land of the conscious.

That done, John laid on his side, one hand resting on Rodney's chest, and indulged in just watching his lover rest, peaceful and sated, with a slight smile curving his lips. Fucked into insensibility was a really good look on Rodney.

The three new marks were dark against his skin and one he would be wearing out in the open for several days. John smiled. Beautiful and mine.

He had done something very, very right in his life, that he got to come home to this every single day for the rest of his life.

Rodney shifted beneath his hand, moaning quietly.

"Hey, buddy. Welcome back."

His lover's eyes fluttered open and he smiled at John. "Mmm…hi."

John returned the smile, softly. He palmed down, tracing the edges of the cage to draw Rodney's attention to it.

"Mmm…all yours," he whispered, rolling toward John.

John wrapped his arms around Rodney, letting him snuggle close. "Yes. Locked away for my pleasure alone."

Rodney tilted his head, capturing John's mouth in a tender kiss.

With a sigh, John broke it off slowly, nibbling at the other man's lower lip. "We need to shower and get dressed. Elizabeth wants me to bring breakfast to the briefing, so I need time to run by the mess, too."

"I reek."

"Yeah, you do." John chuckled. "But a nice hot shower will fix that right up."

"Mmm…hungry, too."

John kissed Rodney's forehead. "So let's get moving."

"Yes, sir," he whispered, staring up at John with a gaze full of love and affection.

John had to kiss him again, but kept it short since they really couldn't stay in bed all day. He rolled up, and held out a hand to his lover. "You're going to wash my hair again for me, too."

Rodney shifted, rolling slowly to his knees. As soon as he moved though, he moaned, his eyes sliding shut as his body trembled. "Oh, John…"

It had been a while since Rodney had been allowed to wear a plug. And this was one of the larger ones they owned, coupled with the cage... "Take your time."

"So good," he whispered, breathing heavily.

"I came twice, and all of it is locked inside you. You'll carry me around with you all day."

"Oh god…so good…full…" Rodney was rocking a little, letting himself feel the sensations in his ass, the cage around his cock.

John had to kiss him again. He was just so hot like this. "The whole day. Nothing comes out or off until tonight."

Rodney moaned. He was panting heavily, rocking back and forth, totally engrossed in the sensations.

"Come with me. We're going to shower now."

John had to tug him forward, lead him into the bathroom. Rodney was lost in pleasure, in allowing himself to feel.

He knew after the long day, Rodney needed the headspace, and John was reluctant to snap him out of it any faster than absolutely necessary. He arranged his lover against the shower wall, and started to wash him, trying to make every pass of the washcloth seem like a caress and a promise.

He arched into each and every touch, shivering and trembling. He was moaning and purring quietly, his eyes heavy, barely open a slit.

When the suds had all been washed away and they were both clean, John gathered him up in his arms. "Are you going to be able to function today like this? I don't want to take anything away, but I don't want to make your life harder today either."

Rodney nodded. "Be fine…all yours. John's…" He smiled softly, leaning into him.

Smiling, John just held him closer. "Very good. When we do take our vacation, I think I'm going to keep you on a leash when we're not in bed, for the whole trip. That way there's no question as to who you belong to."

"Mmmm…yes."

"You'll be in heavy bondage—full leather, maybe even the harness so I can secure you to whatever I want, whenever I want.

"Mmm," Rodney hummed, rubbing up against him. "Need BDSM resort."

John blinked. "They probably have them, actually. If you're interested, I can send a very carefully-worded email to Roger and Sue. If there is one, they'll probably know about it. Actually, Harry and Peter probably would too, even though they aren't into that heavy of a scene."

"Mmmm…wouldn't have to hide anything."

The idea made John's dick twitch a few times. "God, that would be amazing. Then I really could keep you leashed, feed you like we do when we're home, have you blow me whenever I wanted..."

"Tie me to your bed so I'd be at your beck and call every hour of every day."

"Tie you to walls, start more orgies as I fuck you in public."

"Semi-public…it would be a private resort."

"Exactly. Where no one would bat an eye at it. Would, in fact, be doing the same things." John ran his hands up and down Rodney's sides. "Like the club, only for a week, instead of just the one night."

"I could be naked all week long."

"Except for your jewelry. You'd be in a cage and plugged when we were out of our room. No one else gets to even think about touching you there. I'm a possessive fuck who doesn't like to share—but does like to flaunt what I've got."

"Mmm," Rodney hummed, tilting his head to smile up at John. "When can we go?"

"Your schedule is more hectic than mine. Pick a week—two weeks—when you can afford to be gone. I'll put in for the same weeks as leave. And I'll send Peter and Roger the email today, so we can see what our options are."

"A month."

"A month of leave?" God he wanted that. Badly. "Can you afford to do that? I have so much back-leave it isn't funny, but... I don't want you to hate me later, when you're behind on your work."

"One week of leave, three weeks to get back…add another week for briefings…five weeks."

"Week and a half of leave? That would give us some wiggle room for travel and any... stocking up... we'd need to do, and still give us a full week of vacation."

"Can Atlantis survive with us gone that long?"

"It can survive without me—I'm just a grunt. The real question is, can you be gone that long?"

Rodney sighed. "I’m sure the IOA will want to see us sooner or later."

"So let's put it that way. Tell Elizabeth we want to do an annual check-in, get it over with on our terms before they call us in on theirs. And since we'll be there, we want some time off, too."

"They won't see us unless they're ready." Rodney's playful, submissive attitude had shifted in the last few minutes to something much more tired and resigned.

John pressed a series of little kisses all over Rodney's face. "Don't think about it right now if it it's going to upset you."

"I’m just…tired." Rodney paused, pulling back to look up at John. "I…sometimes I just…it's getting harder some mornings to get out of bed and do this."

Using the back of his fingers, John caressed his lover's cheek. "I want to help. I love seeing the light back in your eyes, like it was a few minutes ago. Pick a week, a month, you can be away. I'll take care of everything else—I'll find us a place to go, clear it with everyone it needs to be cleared with, and then help you drop so deep into headspace, nothing else will matter."

"We work for the IOA," Rodney said with a shrug. "It's all up to them. They don't care what we're doing, what we're working on."

"It's not about them. It's about you and me, and us going away on a vacation together, where we don't have to hide anything, just be together."

"Just…" he sighed again, wrapping himself around John. "Just tell me when I need to show up."

"I can do that." John kissed him softly.

Rodney kissed him back sweetly and John could taste the thankfulness in his mouth. It was a start, he knew. Rodney had opened up to him, let him into that big old brain of his.

"Love you."

"I love you," he echoed quietly. "I…do I have to go to the meeting?"

"No. I told Elizabeth you would only be there if you were feeling better. If you want to stay here, take some time to rest, you can. I'll bring you back breakfast."

He nodded. "I'd rather stay. Is there anything I can eat in the meantime?"

"I'll find you something." John kissed him again, then tangled their fingers and tugged, leading his lover out to the kitchen. "Get comfortable in your spot while I find something to feed you."

Rodney offered John another nod as he shifted to the table, settling down on the pillow next to John's chair. There was a tenseness in his lover's shoulders he didn't like, but it was not as bad as it had been.

They had some fruits and a bit of cheese and smoked meat, so John put it all on a plate and moved back to his lover. He set it down, but instead of sitting right away, John started to rub his lover's shoulders, finding and releasing some of the worst knots.

Rodney all but melted under his hands. After his first gasp of surprise, he'd let his body relax, bending and shifting in response to John's hands.

"Good boy, very good." John purred. He wanted to leave Rodney with the loose, happy, sub feeling. Not the tense worry that haunted his lover's eyes sometimes.

"Feels good."

"It's supposed to." John smiled, getting another knot to release.

"Oh….yeah," Rodney groaned.

Chuckling, John slowly eased off on the massage, once his lover was more or less a puddle. He moved around to his chair, and picked up a small bite, dragging it across Rodney's lips.

He opened his mouth for John, letting him slide the food inside.

"Good." John continued to dole out praise, gentle touches, and breakfast in equal measure.

When the food was gone—and John was more or less sure it would stay down—he led Rodney back to the bedroom, pushing him under the covers.

"Sleep. Rest. I'll come back after the meeting to check on you."

"I'll be here," he said quietly, his voice sleepy, relaxed.

"Good." John kissed his forehead again, then quickly got himself into uniform. A glance back at the bed showed Rodney was already dozing, the soft smile back on his face. John knew he would do anything—anything—to put that look on his partner's face more often.

John headed up to the control room, Elizabeth already in her office, a mug of coffee at her elbow. There was also a plate of pastries on her desk, mostly chocolate. Seemed like it was a universal constant no matter what universe you were in.

"Hey. I was coming to get your breakfast order. Looks like someone else beat me to it."

She glanced up with a sheepish smile. "I woke up hungry and craving sugar."

He laughed softly and sat across from her, snagging one—he had fed all the food in the suite to Rodney. "Carson joining us?"

"No. He sent up a report, though." She shuffled through the papers on her desk before handing him a folder. "It's not pretty."

John made a face, taking and skimming it. "Looks like Rodney really did get off light. Angela mentioned he was one of the lighter cases last night, but this..."

"Last night?"

"Rodney was sick last night." John glanced up. "I woke up to find him... losing the contents of his stomach. He was down to dry heaves by the time Angela arrived after I called the infirmary. She gave him something to help, and he was finally able to get some sleep. He's still sleeping now."

"Then he's better now?"

"He was able to eat this morning, but he's still worn out." John set the report down and sighed. "To be honest, he's on reserves and I'm worried. It's not just this, although it's made it worse. He even admitted to me that he's just tired, and it's getting harder for him to get up every morning—and you know he wouldn't admit that if it wasn't bad. I'd been toying with asking you for some leave time for us both. Once we get the current crisis resolved, do you think we can get a week, maybe a little more, off on Earth? We can roll in briefings with the IOA since we'll be there."

Elizabeth had narrowed her eyes at him as he spoke and John swore he could see her mind whirling around in her head. "The IOA has been complaining that they wanted briefings with the senior staff twice a year."

"This could work out well then. We can split it—McKay and I will take this shift, if you and Carson want to take the next in six months. That way half of us are always here, and all of us get some leave time."

"You're volunteering?"

"If a week of tedious briefings is the price I pay to get the haunted look out of Rodney's eyes, then yes. We can go in, do the briefings, then take off for as long as we can be spared before hitching a ride home."

After a long moment she nodded. "I've been putting them off. The next time we open a wormhole back to Earth I'll get things moving for you."

John nodded. "Perfect. Thank you." He nodded at the report. "How long does Carson think it will be until the worst of this is past?"

"According to what he told me this morning, the worst should be done. There are about twenty people still in the infirmary, but they should be released within the next two days. Everyone else has either been released or is in the morgue."

"Final tally of the dead?"

"Fifteen." She sighed. "Fifteen too many."

"Do we have any idea what the device was supposed to do?"

"Castrina's notes were pretty…inconclusive. Radek was still looking into it."

John picked up on her phrasing. "Castrina is one of the dead?"

She nodded. "He was allergic to the toxin."

"Damn."

"As allergic as Rodney is to citrus, apparently. He was one of the first."

John winced. He wouldn't wish that kind of death on anyone. "What else can I do to help? My men with field medic experience are already assisting, and I have more on standby in case they're needed to assist the science team."

"The ones who can go back to work, are. Simpson went through the projects to make sure nothing was overlooked. I think we're good right now. There was one thing, though…"

He had been nodding, glad that for most, while there were lingering symptoms, the worst was over. Her final hesitation though made him wary. "Yes?"

"Radek…he doesn't think this was an accident."

John drew in a surprised breath. "Sabotage? And does he think it was with a specific target, or general?"

"Not sabotage," she said quietly. "Something carefully planned."

He closed his eyes, trying to rub away the headache that was forming. "An assassination attempt?"

"Suicide."

His eyes snapped up. "Castrina?"

Elizabeth nodded. "Radek thinks so."

"Fuck." John slumped. "Any known motives? Had he been acting differently lately?"

"Nothing that I've noticed, but he'd been working closely with Rodney and Radek. Neither of us want to jump to conclusions, but we don't think Atlantis was the right fit for Castrina."

John stood up, pacing the room to work out a bit of frustration. "We're understaffed. I know getting new people trained is hard, but with regular contact with Earth, we need a bigger civilian population—more scientists, med staff, support staff. My men are trained for tense situations, we're taught how to deal with it, but civilians aren't. If we can ease up on everyone's schedules, some of the... desperation... might ease up too."

"They all need to be vetted by the IOA, the SGC, and Rodney. That doesn't leave many."

"Let's do it the other way around—let Rodney and Radek put together the initial list for the science team, and you and Carson the lists for the rest. Then let the SGC and IOA bring up objections if they have them."

"Getting a scientist to sign off on a blind contract that gives them absolutely no information except that they'll be gone a year is not very tempting."

John sighed, sitting back down. "I know. But people are getting worn down to nothing, on top of the stresses of being in another galaxy. We are fighting an enemy who sees us as fine dining. Even Rodney, Radek, Simpson, the people who have been here the whole time, are starting to wear down. I'm worried about our people."

"I’m not arguing with you. I agree with you." She sighed, taking a sip of her coffee. "It's just harder to put a workable solution into practice."

"I know." John gave her a wry smile. "It's always easier to sit around and spout righteous fury than actually come up with a working solution. I'll back whatever you decide to do, though."

She smiled. "Thanks. I'll have to discuss it with Rodney once things settle down. We also probably need to talk about who else might be…prone to the same behavior as Castrina."

"Kate would be a good person to bring in on that. She probably has a good idea already of who the most at-risk are."

"Yes. I’m also thinking Rodney might."

"Probably. He notices more than he lets on."

Elizabeth nodded, her face darkening a little. "Amidst the complaining and the exaggerations and the 'we're going to die' proclamations, we do tend to forget that with some things—some people things—he is very conscious of them, probably even more so than most." She sighed, her stylus clicking against the small PDA in her hand. "I'm going to admit something to you now that I'm not very…proud of and honestly, John…Colonel, you may have to take action. I understand that."

He blinked. "What?"

"Rodney had told me about Doctor Castrina a week ago."

"Told you what?"

Elizabeth sighed, handing over her PDA. "This is his official comment. It's in the middle of his rantings about the science department."

John skimmed it, then handed the PDA back. "You can't blame yourself. Just because someone is showing signs of being overloaded, doesn't automatically mean they're going to try and off themselves. If that were the case, the whole damn city would be at high risk."

"No, John. Rodney made it a point to mention it more than once. He saw it coming from a mile away. Kate didn't see it. I didn't see it. We didn't believe him and because of that there's fifteen scientists lying in the morgue."

"Elizabeth..." John sighed. "There was no way you could know it would end this way. Instead of beating yourself up over it, now you know to keep a closer eye on anyone Rodney sees fit to bring up concerns about."

She shook her head. "The first thing you learn as a diplomat is to listen, to really hear what's being said behind the words. I've stopped listening, John. I'm…" she sighed quietly. "I don't know."

John took a good look at her. "You're exhausted. You went from being a diplomat to being the leader of a city in the middle of a war zone, cut off from regular contact with home. You have to deal with the most brilliant and fiercely independent people Earth had to offer, and find a way to make them all get along. If you're guilty of anything, it's of trying to do it all yourself, of not letting any of your friends help you. It's not a sign of weakness, Elizabeth."

"That doesn't make me feel any better," she said quietly. "It means I've failed some of the people who mean the most to me because I'm egotistical and unable to delegate responsibility."

"No. You haven't failed anyone. You're struggling to find a balance, just like the rest of us. Hell, I volunteered to see Kate and stand myself down—something that makes me wince just thinking about it—because I realized I was starting to have a hard time finding the line myself. None of us could have expected everything we've faced out here. You're trying to be strong for all of us, but who do you have who can be strong for you?"

"It's not the same, John," she began to protest, only to have him cut her off.

"Yes, it's exactly the same. Do you know what it was that made me finally realize I had a problem?" He had been very vague in his report.

"No," she said, shaking her head, her eyes on him. She was listening, that was a start.

He swallowed. It wasn't something he was proud of, and now it made him a little sick to think about it. "I…castrated a man, the guard who had been taunting us all day. And I was about half a second from slowly taking him apart a piece at a time when Teyla stopped me. But the worst part? Was that I didn't actually feel guilty about it until weeks later. Now... I can't believe it was me, that I lost control like that. That I was almost... enjoying hurting him. When we got back, I took myself off active duty because I knew damn well I was a danger to my team if I couldn't get it under control."

Elizabeth's eyes had widened at John's admission before her face had settled back into the neutral mask she usually wore. "So I managed to take it a step further than you did."

"No." He smiled gently at her. "If you want me to be honest, you're probably in about the same place I was. I'm a soldier, a killer. You're not. You're a diplomat, an administrator and a damn good one. But after a while, it all gets to be too much, and things slip through the cracks, sometimes big ones. For you, it was ignoring a warning that one man was a little unstable, which snowballed into this. For me, it was ignoring what I knew was building and letting it get to the point where I couldn't control it anymore."

"And fifteen people are dead because of it."

"It's called life, Elizabeth. There was no way you could have predicted this. And I can't promise it won't happen again. We're in the middle of a war with an enemy out of our worst nightmares. People are going to have problems coping. We're actually very lucky this is the first one to give up all hope."

"Not the first."

Standing, John moved around the desk and knelt down next to her, taking one of her hands in his. "It's not your fault. You're doing a damn fine job. You're the best commanding officer I've ever had the privilege of serving, hands down. Learn from this, yes. But don't blame yourself for what happened. You didn't set up that device, and you didn't push him to activate it. Yes, it's a tragedy that it happened. But you can't beat yourself up over it."

"And I'm not going to let Rodney take the blame for this."

"Neither am I. No one was to blame. It's sad that it happened, and we'll all have to be more vigilant to try and prevent it from happening again, but suicide... it happens even on Earth, even in far less stressful situations than this. It sucks, but you can't hold yourself responsible for the decisions someone else makes."

She sighed, dropping her eyes, her hand squeezing his. "Easier said than done, John. It always is. And I'm…and I know you'll keep an eye on Rodney so he'll be okay. That's important to me."

He squeezed back. "Believe me, I know. And yes, I'll keep an eye on him, and you, too. Also, if you're willing to take some advice from a battered soldier, go talk to Kate. She's a hell of a lot better at this than I am. And don't wall yourself away. There are a lot of us who would love to unwind with you. Rodney and I are trying to find the time to set up regular movie nights to have everyone over when we can all just kick back and laugh a little." And if she would come, they could get Radek over, too. John had seen the way the Czech watched her when he didn't think anyone noticed.

"I already am," she said quietly. "Carson has me on some other…things. But just promise me that you'll watch Rodney, especially now."

"Good." He squeezed her hand again. "And I always keep a close eye on him—and I'm pretty sure he does it to me, too. Which is why I wanted to get us both a vacation. With everything that's happened lately, we need one. The last real break we got was when we first re-established contact with Earth. Some time off will do wonders, I think."

"I imagine it would," she said, smiling tiredly. "I should get back to the reports."

"Come have dinner at the suite tonight. I'll con Carson and a few others into coming too. I think we all need each other's company."

Elizabeth immediately shifted back, trying to disengage her hand from John's. "Oh, no. I couldn't—"

He held on. "Yes, you could. You're human, Elizabeth, it's okay to want a little company after something like this. I'll even raid the pantry and see if I can cook something, instead of just serving mess food."

"I'll see if I can get away. I can't guarantee—"

"I'm not going to give you a choice, I don't think." He gave her a little grin. "If you don't show up of your own free will, I'll send Ronon to carry you down."

Her face made that weird half surprised, half indignant expression she sometimes got when she realized she was backed into a corner. "Fine. If you insist."

Squeezing her hand a last time, he stood back up. "I do. Come over, enjoy some good company and hopefully good food."

She smiled and gave him a small nod. "Okay. Thank you."

"You're very welcome. I'll let you get back to your reports then for now, unless you needed me for anything else right now?"

"No, nothing. I think that's enough personal sharing moments for one day, don't you?"

He chuckled. "Oh yeah. I'll see you around, say, 1930?"

She nodded, offering another smile and a short goodbye as she turned back to her computer.

He was already making a mental list of who else to invite. He wanted to keep it fairly small, a group of friends supporting each other. Before heading back to the suite to let Rodney know, he swung by the mess, popping into the kitchen. He hoped they could spare him some food and things to cook it in for the night.

"Morning, Colonel," said the sergeant behind the breakfast bar. "What will it be?"

"Actually, who's the cook on duty today? I'd like a favor." The smells wafting over were really good. He wavered. "And I'll take two plates of the eggs and sausage. It smells amazing."

"Johnson's on today. And two plates of the almost-eggs and nearly-but-not quite-real sausage coming up, sir."

"Thanks. I'll snag them on the way back out." John slipped into the kitchen area, spotting Johnson. She didn't look too busy at the moment. Good. "Johnson? Spare a minute?"

"Of course, sir," she said with a smile. "But I have to tell you right now that I don't have any chocolate or almost-chocolate if that's what you're looking for."

He chuckled. "I won't ask then. Actually, I was wondering if I could borrow a few pots and pans, and raid your pantry. The senior staff is a little frazzled lately, so I'd like to have a little 'no thinking about stressful things for a few hours' party."

"Sir?" Johnson's eyebrows rose.

He ran a hand through his hair, ducking his head. "If this gets out I'll get revenge. But I do cook—it's a hobby I don't get to indulge in often."

"Is that why I keep getting notes about missing supplies from Sergeant Gomberg?"

He flushed a little. "I try not to do it often, and usually only enough for me, or me and McKay if he's around. But since I'll need a bit more for what I have planned, I thought I'd actually ask. I don't want to mess up your inventory too badly. I keep meaning to requisition myself a few things for personal use, but I never get around to it."

She rolled her eyes. "Just tell us what you need, sir, and we'll add it to the requisition."

"Ahh. The basics mostly, things I can keep in stock and just use native ingredients for perishable items. Flour, salt, spices, boxed milk, that sort of thing. And, as you requisition new pots, pans, mixers, etc., if you could add one for me, that would be great." He knew technically he could just order her to do it, being her superior and all, but he had long ago learned that you always—always—wanted to stay on the good side of the kitchen staff on base.

She nodded. "Consider it done. I'm finishing up the requisition for the next run. It should be here in about a month. So, what do you need for tonight?"

He grinned. "I don't want to do anything too fancy. Have the stuff I could make some pasta and good sauce with? In a perfect world, I'd get that, some sort of garlic-type bread, and something sweet, maybe an angel food cake or something, with some local berries and cream."

"I have boxed pasta and some cans of stewed tomatoes," she said ushering him into the kitchen storeroom. "There's some jarred garlic as well. Sorry. The real stuff doesn't travel well. As for bread…" she paused, eyes glancing around the room. "I can probably add some to the menu for tonight, so I can give you a fresh loaf later this afternoon."

He made a face at the boxed pasta. "I prefer to make my own, but I guess I don't have a lot of choice, huh? Beggars can't be choosers. What about spices?"

She gestured to a shelf. "Use whatever you need. As for dessert, I’m not sure what we have."

He nodded, going over what they had. Not too bad, actually. He spotted some flour, and tapped his lips. "Can you spare any of that? And a few of the almost eggs? I can do pasta and some kind of cake with that and a little sugar and these." He snagged about a dozen spices off the shelf.

"Dessert's not my thing, sir. You might want to talk to Theo. He's the pastry chef around here. He's gotten used to doing bulk desserts, so he might be interested in something a little smaller."

John hummed absently, pulling a few more things off the shelf and setting them on the table. "I have a few recipes that are pretty simple, and can be adapted easily for desserts. And I will take you up on the bread idea if you don't mind. I can swing by and pick up a loaf later, but I know that's one thing I wouldn't have time to make on my own."

"Theo will be in around 1100. You might want to stop in and talk with him. He'll know what works best."

"I can do that. I need to get this stuff back now anyway." He looked up, smiling at her. "Thanks. I forget how much I enjoy this until I get the chance to do it again."

"Not a problem, sir. Did you want to take this now? I can have someone deliver it to your quarters if you prefer."

"Actually, that might be easier." He looked at all the stuff he had pulled out and flushed again slightly. "Thanks again."

"Figured it would be. I'll have one of the airmen deliver it this afternoon."

John nodded. "I'll swing by this afternoon to snag a loaf of bread and chat with Theo."

She glanced past John into the main kitchen. "And it looks like your breakfast is up."

"Perfect. Thanks again!" John gave her a little salute and slipped back out, grabbing his plates with a smile. He headed back to the suite and into the bedroom, looking for Rodney.

The water was running in the master bath. He was in the shower? John left the food in the kitchen before walking into the bedroom, signaling the bathroom door to open before he got there. Steam billowed out along with a burst of warm air.

Rodney was huddled in the corner of the shower stall, his skin pink-ish red where the hot water was hitting it.

Not caring that he was fully dressed, John was immediately at his lover's side. "Rodney?"

"Mmm?" The response was slow, little muffled from where he'd curled into his arm.

"Hey buddy." John knelt slowly, reaching out to touch his arm. "It's me."

Rodney shivered. "…let in cold air."

"Sorry. Come on, why don't we get you up and back in bed where it's warm?"

"Was cold. Warmer here."

John told the water to shut off, although his uniform was already plastered to his body. "Come on. I'll sit with you, warm you up."

Rodney sniffed and the water snapped back on a little warmer than before.

John yelped, not expecting it. "Rodney, buddy, you're really starting to scare me. Please, come out of the shower?"

"Warm."

"Please? I'll help you stay warm in the bed, too."

"But you weren't there before," he whined. God, he forgot how Rodney got when he wasn't feeling well.

"I am now. And I brought food from the mess."

"We ate before," Rodney said, thankfully not turning the water on again as John flicked it off and began ushering him to his feet.

"I didn't. If you aren't hungry, you don't have to eat, though. Just curl up next to me while I eat. Oh, and, ah, I sort of invited people over for dinner tonight. If you still aren't feeling well, you can just stay in here and sleep."

"Do I have to get dressed?" he asked, standing still as John dried him off.

"Right now, no. For dinner, though, if you come out, you'd want to be dressed. Elizabeth is... really having a hard time dealing with everything. She needs friends. I got the mess to let me raid so I can cook a nice meal, and in addition to her, I'm going to invite Carson, Ronon, Teyla, and I think Lorne and Radek since they're a little frazzled lately too. I think we all need a night of just enjoying some good company and a little bit of laughter with friends."

"Parrish, too."

John nodded. "Okay. The mess supplied me with the stuff to make spaghetti, and they're going to let me take a loaf of fresh bread later for garlic bread. I'm also going to attempt to do a sweet cake or something—I'm going to chat with Theo later today. He's the pastry chef on base, so he might have some ideas on how to use the native ingredients to retrofit some of my ideas."

"How'd we get one of those?" Rodney asked, shivering.

John sat his lover down long enough to quickly strip out of his soggy uniform, then pulled the other man under the blankets and into his arms. "He's been with the mess staff for a while now. Since he likes to bake, I think Johnson just lets him handle it so she doesn't have to."

"Oh," Rodney said quietly, trying to burrow into John. "Can't I just go back in the shower?"

"It's not good for you. I'm going to call Carson, okay?"

"But it's warm and wet. What's wrong with that?"

"The wet. I don't want you to get sick." John tapped on his radio, glad he had decided not to shuck it with the uniform. "Sheppard to Beckett."

"I’m comin', Colonel. Just tell Rodney to hold his horses."

"He already called you?"

"Aye, nearly an hour ago. I'm still up to my armpits, but I'm comin'. Did he do as I suggested?"

John rubbed the bridge of his nose. "He didn't tell me he had talked to you. I came in and found him huddled in the shower and got about ten years scared off of me."

"In the shower? I told him to put some clothes on and get some more blankets."

"He was in the shower." John pulled his lover a little closer. "I have him back in bed now, and I'm sitting with him, but he still says he's cold."

"Aye. Seems to be a side-effect. I think Radek's walking around with three layers of clothes on." Carson sighed. "Give me ten minutes. And put some clothes on him."

"Right. I'll do my best. Thanks. Sheppard out." John looked down at his lover. "Carson says you need clothes."

Rodney shook his head, shivering.

"Not giving you a choice here, buddy." John kissed his forehead. "How about if I let you wear my USAF hoodie? I bought the biggest size they had, so you can't even complain that it won't fit you right." He was very protective of that hoodie—it was really, really soft and warm—but for Rodney, he'd make an exception.

His lover just burrowed closer to John instead.

John brushed his lips over his lover's head again and started trying to disentangle himself.

"Letting in the cold air!"

"Getting you clothes. I'll be right back."

"I don't want clothes."

"You'll be a lot warmer." John pulled out Rodney's softest pair of sweats and his own hoodie, not bothering with boxers. "And once you're warm again, I'll get to have all the fun of undressing you."

Rodney had burrowed back under the blankets, the top of his hair the only thing showing.

John ran his fingers through the tufts. "If you put on the clothes, I'll find something really good to reward you with. I'll let you wear the plug tomorrow too, before we finish out your punishment month."

"Months," he said petulantly, not moving or disentangling himself.

"Weeks." John corrected him. "You have a few left, yes. But be good for me now, and I'll let you wear the plug tomorrow, and knock a few days off the punishment for good behavior."

Rodney didn't answer, shivering within the cocoon of blankets.

John continued to stroke. "How many days would I have to knock off the punishment to get you to put these on for me?" He was all about using bribes and rewards—sometimes they were more effective than punishments.

"I don't want clothes."

"I know you don't. And if I could let you be naked all the time, I would. Elizabeth said the IOA has been hassling her for bi-annual meetings with the senior staff by the way. You and I are going to take first shift. She'll arrange for it at the next check-in. And we'll take leave after that. I'll let you know when we have a firm date. But then, when we're on vacation, you can be naked the whole week. Not a stitch of clothes. But right now, I need you to put these on for me."

"Don't wanna."

Okay, Rodney had officially turned into a three-year-old. That was enough. John took the edge of the covers and pulled them away getting a squawk of protest from his lover. Sweats were first, then socks, then the shirt and hoodie. Rodney fought him, but wasn't very determined. But he did try to tug them off as soon as John got them in place.

"Do I need to tie you to the bed to keep them on you? Because then you can't cuddle and curl up with me."

Rodney glared at John. "No."

"Good boy." John grabbed a dry uniform for himself, pulling it on quickly before climbing back into the bed. He held out his arms, letting Rodney decide if he wanted to be held again.

It took less then two seconds for Rodney to press his back against John's chest. He was still shivering, but it had abated a little. Apparently the struggle to get the clothes on had gotten his blood pumping.

Smiling, John pulled him close, wrapping his arms tight around Rodney's body. He rubbed his nose against the baby fine hair adorning the other man's head. "I love you, you know."

"I hate this," he grumbled.

"I know. But Carson said a lot of people are having this side effect. Apparently Zelenka is walking around with about five layers on." John mentally nudged the suite's temperature up.

"Should have taken him off duty."

"Who? Zelenka?"

"No. Castrina"

"It wasn't your fault."

"I knew he was going to do something and we couldn't talk him down."

"It still wasn't your fault. I'll tell you the same thing I told Elizabeth—you didn't make the decision to build the gas bomb or whatever it was. And you didn't make the decision to trigger it. Is it a tragedy that he felt that was his only option? Yes. But instead of seeking help, he made his choice. You can't carry the guilt for that, all you can do is learn from it."

"To not let anyone near any kind of technology."

"You can't do that." John squeezed him. "You can't do it all yourself. Elizabeth and Kate will both listen to you this time if you have a concern about anyone else. Otherwise, all we can do is what we have been doing."

"Even if it's me?" Rodney words were quiet, barely loud enough for John to hear.

John squeezed harder. "If you feel that way, then talk to me, or talk to Kate. Let us help."

Rodney turned in John's arms, pressing his face into John's shoulder.

"There's nothing wrong with getting overwhelmed. With it all just being too much. We all get to that point, buddy. The important thing isn't not feeling that way, it's making the choice to ask for help when you do, instead of letting it get to where Castrina was, where there's no hope left."

"I have you. I don't have the excuse to feel like that," he mumbled into John's chest.

"Having each other to lean on helps, yes. But Rodney," John worked a finger under his lover's chin, tilting his face up, "do you think less of me because I couldn't deal with it anymore and had to go talk to Kate?"

"No, of course not."

John smiled, running his thumb over Rodney's bottom lip. "It's the same thing. I reacted differently, but the feelings were the same. Having you kept me sane, yes, but it still got to the point where I couldn't cope anymore. I became a danger to myself and my team, so I took myself off active duty and got help. And I, and everyone else, won't think any less of you if you need to do the same."

Rodney shook his head, a shiver running through his body. "Can't."

"Can't get help?"

"Can't show weakness. They'll eat me alive."

"No, they won't." John squeezed him again. "I promise they won't. Your people like and respect you, more than I think you realize."

"Just need a day or two to sort things out."

"Rodney." John willed his lover to listen to him, tried to put everything in his eyes, his expression. "Please. At least start talking with Kate. If it's bad enough that you're worried about it... You don't have to go off-duty, but... I need you. I can't do this without you. Please don't let everything weigh you down so much I can't help you climb out again."

His lover was silent for a long moment, huddled against John, his body shivering every few seconds. But John heard the soft, "okay" as if it were screamed at the top of his lungs.

John just pulled him closer, pressing his lips to Rodney's head again.

The door chime rang a few minutes later—much longer than Carson's promised ten minutes.

John didn't bother to get out of bed, just triggering the door remotely. He was almost afraid to let Rodney go, afraid his lover might disappear if he did.

"John?" Carson's voice was quiet.

"In…" John's voice felt rough, so he cleared his throat and tried again. "In here."

He heard Carson walk into the bedroom, his footfalls steady, measured. "Aye, there you are. And you got him in clothes, good."

John looked up with a weak smile. "He's still shivering."

"Aye. The toxin has messed with a few people's internal thermostats." Carson settled on the bed next to Rodney, his hand on his shoulder. "Lad, I'd like to give you a quick check."

John loosened his hold on his lover to give Carson access. "Any idea how long it will take to run its course?"

"Varying on everyone," Carson said with a shrug. "Actually Rodney's got a mild case compared to others."

"God, if this is mild..." John sighed. "Hey, before I forget, we're hosting a party tonight. Well, sort of a party. Elizabeth is beating herself up over this, and I know the rest of us are in pretty sorry shape. So dinner here at 1930. It will just be us, Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon, and I'm inviting Radek, Lorne and Parrish."

"One shot of anti-nausea meds and a slightly elevated fever is mild. I have a few in the infirmary on IV medication because they can'na even keep water down." Carson glanced up at John. "And dinner? Are you sure? I would'na want to intrude."

John rolled his eyes. "Why is that the first response I get from everyone? I'll tell you what I told Elizabeth. You can either show up or I'll send Ronon to carry you here. We're all on reserves—some down time with friends where we can all relax a bit will be good for everyone."

"Because I feel like you two are still on your bloody honeymoon most of the time," Carson snapped, but immediately looked chagrinned. "Sorry. I'm just tired."

John sighed, reaching out to pat Carson's hand. "No, I'm sorry. We haven't meant to alienate everyone, especially our friends. Come to dinner. I even convinced the mess to let me take supplies to actually cook something."

"1730?"

"1930. Or 7:30 pm for you non-military types." John shot the doctor a teasing smile.

He rolled his eyes at John before turning his attention back to Rodney. "The cold feeling should pass soon, but you might want to put another layer of clothes on until it does."

John rubbed Rodney's back—his lover really hadn't pulled away from John's body heat. "Want me to get you another layer?"

"Don't want clothes," Rodney grumbled.

John chuckled. "I know you don't. I won't force any more on you if you don't want them."

"He'd be better off if he had another layer, John," Carson said quietly. "Whether he wants it or not."

"It took bribes and finally holding him down and forcing the issue to get these on him. What about another layer of blankets. I think we have some extras in the top of the closet."

"If you need help, I can. A thin layer close to his body would help to hold in the heat once you add the sweats."

John sighed. "Rodney, buddy, will you let us put another layer on you? You'll feel a lot warmer."

"Don't want clothes." There was the stubborn three-year-old.

"Yes, I know. And when you're warm again, you can take them off. But right now you're still shivering. I want to help you warm up."

"John?" Carson asked quietly, the one word covering all the questions—Are you going to do something? Are you going to force the issue? Are we just going to fix him so he can get better? Are you going to trust me?

With another sigh, John nodded. Yes, to all of the above. "Look in the middle two drawers of the dresser and pull out what you think will work best."

Carson nodded and moved off the bed, digging through the drawer. He pulled out Rodney's thermal underwear he'd brought from Antarctica and another pair of socks.

John rolled so Rodney was on his back, still clinging. "We'll make this as fast as possible so you can cuddle down again."

"But I don’t want more clothes," Rodney complained, already struggling.

"Rodney. Do you trust me to know and do what I think is best for you? To take care of you?"

"Yes, but—"

"No buts. You either trust that I'm doing this because I really do believe you need it to keep from getting sick, or you don't."

"But I—"

"Shh. I know you don't really want to wear them. But just trust me on this. Your body is having a hard time regulating temperature right now. You need the extra layers to help, otherwise you run the risk of getting sick. I'd rather have you be a little unhappy because you have to wear clothes in bed now, than a lot unhappy when you're fighting a cold for weeks."

"Listen to John, Rodney," Carson said quietly.

Leaning down, John brushed their mouths together briefly. "We'll make this fast."

"The shower was warmer."

"It was also wet, and that will get you sick if you sit in there all day too." John sat up, moving to his lover's side. "This is warm and dry and in no time at all you'll be toasty warm and sleeping."

As soon as John let go, however, Rodney tried to burrow back under the covers while divesting himself of John's hoodie. He had no coordination, which was amusing, but the stubbornness was beginning to wear.

John pinched the bridge of his nose. He loved Rodney—he really did—but this was getting old. "Are you trying to piss me off?"

Rodney had gotten one arm out and was working on getting it over his head. "No."

"So why are you deliberately doing things you know will irritate me?"

His lover paused, only one arm left in the sweatshirt now, looking up at John with big, pleading eyes.

John let his expression soften. "I know you want to be naked. Really, I understand. But right now you can't be. I need you to either put on the clothes Carson brought and then pull the sweats back on, or let me do it for you."

Carson had shifted, catching John's eyes with the leather cuff swinging from his finger.

John really didn't want it to get that far. He hated restraining Rodney for anything other than their mutual pleasure. Reaching out, he cupped his lover's face, trying to ignore how absolutely adorable he looked half-dressed and wearing the puppy-dog look. Not that John would ever say that out loud. "I'm asking you, as your top and lover, to submit. Do what I'm asking of you because you acknowledge it's my right do so."

Rodney swallowed audibly, a larger shiver running through his body.

John grabbed the top Carson had pulled out, gently pulling the hoodie the rest of the way off and then putting both shirts back on Rodney's body.

His lover wasn't helping—at all—but he wasn't fighting John either. Progress.

Using one hand, John pushed him back on the bed, then went to work adding the extra layer of pants, too.

Carson sat off to the side, watching quietly, his hands playing with the leather cuff.

Once Rodney was dressed again, John tucked the blankets all back around him, and kissed his forehead. "Very good. Thank you," he whispered.

John could already see Rodney's hands shifting under the blankets, his body restless.

"What do you need? Besides nakedness—you can't have that until this toxin runs its course."

Rodney stilled. John sighed. Did his lover think John was dumb or something?

"Water and some light snacks," Carson suggested quietly.

"Would you mind getting them?" John's eyes didn't leave Rodney's face.

"Aye. I'll go raid the pantry," Carson said, rising to his feet, dropping the cuff on the bedside table as he headed out of the bedroom. "Let me know when you're ready for me to return."

John nodded. "Thanks." Looking back at Rodney, he reached out to trace an invisible line down the other man's cheek.

Rodney held John's gaze, not backing down. He was holding his body still—apart from the involuntary shivers.

"You know I'm not just doing things arbitrarily, right? I don't want you to get sick."

"Too late."

"This will pass. I don't want you to catch a cold or worse on top of it." John continued to caress, silently willing his lover to relax, submit to it.

"Do you actually think—" Rodney started, but broke off with a huff and shiver. "I hate this."

"Do I think what?"

"Do you actually think that I’m going to catch a damn cold or something? The stupid toxin is the problem, not some kind of virus."

John sighed. "I... I'm worried about you," he admitted softly. "I can't fix that, just wait it out. But... maybe, if I can keep you warm and safe..."

"And the damn clothes just itch. I think someone swapped our detergent," Rodney grumbled, tugging at his sleeve. The shivering was abating just like Carson said it would with the extra layer of clothes.

"But you're warming up. Give me this, please? Keep them on until tonight. I'll strip you inch by inch, pull out the plug and fuck you senseless tonight, then plug you again until the morning."

"I hate this."

"I know. Me too." John gave him a soft smile. "Want me to just let you rest?"

"I want to be naked and in your arms, but we can't have everything can we?"

"Later. You will be." John leaned in to kiss his lover softly. "I do need to take care of some things, and get ready for tonight. Are you okay with us doing this? When I started it, you were feeling better, but if you're not..."

Rodney shrugged.

"I need to know now, buddy. I haven't done much, just got some food that can keep, and told Carson and Elizabeth. If you're not up to it though..." John had to admit, he wanted it. Wanted the time to unwind and enjoy the company of his friends for a few hours. And it would be good for Rodney too, if he was feeling better.

"Fine."

John closed his eyes and counted to five. Then ten. He loved Rodney dearly, but yeah, his lover's attitude was starting to grate a bit. He understood the other man didn't feel well, but...

"Are you sure I can't take the clothes off?"

"Yes."

"But I don't want them on."

"I got that." With a sigh, John slid off the bed.

"So was that a yes?"

"No, it wasn't."

"Oh." Rodney was silent for a minute, speaking again just as John reached the door. "How about now? Change your mind yet?"

Since he was standing next to it, John banged his head a few times against the wall.

"John?" Carson was at his side a minute later.

"Remind me that I love him and he's sick and I can't kill him."

"Rodney still has an Ancient nerve toxin in his body and you love him and you can't kill him."

"Right." John left his head against the cool wall of Atlantis. It was soothing on his resurging headache.

"Rodney, put that sweatshirt back on now," Carson said sharply.

"You know what, I'm leaving. Do what you want, McKay." John lifted his head and headed for the door.

"Really?" Rodney's voice got brighter.

"Put that shirt back on right now, ye daft idiot," Carson said, moving into the bedroom.

John moved out into the living room. He just couldn't deal with it, not after half believing his lover was dead most of yesterday, nearly killing himself, and then being up most of the night with his sick lover. Knowing when to retreat was the best kept secret in any strategy. John went into the office and booted up his computer.

John listened to Carson arguing with Rodney for a few minutes before he gave the bedroom door a mental nudge to close.

With a sigh, he shot off emails to the rest of the people he was inviting over to dinner—a petulant, argumentative Rodney meant his lover wasn't performing at top speed, but he wasn't grounded either.

He got responses almost immediately from everyone, all affirmative. At least something was working right.

That done, John shot off a second email, that would go out when they sent through the next data burst. This one was more carefully worded, to his friend Peter.

_Hey, how's it going? Rodney and I are taking a vacation soon (no dates yet, hopefully soon) and are looking for a place to go unwind. We've both had some rough times lately. Any suggestions? Maybe ask Rog and Sue if they know of anyplace that offers week (week and a half if I get my way) long stays where I don't have to worry about shit? Tell Harry I said hi! -John_

He added it to the queue of items to go out, then got to his actual day-job work of running a base.

Carson appeared in the doorway at some unidentified time later.

"Mmm?" John was in the middle of a report, and only registered movement out of the corner of his eye.

"You shouldn't have any issues with Rodney for a wee bit."

He glanced up. "Oh?"

"He's sleeping like a wee baby and will be until dinner."

"You drugged him?" John chuckled. "Reason wasn't working, huh? When he's in that in between place between really being sick and being completely healthy, he's worse than a three-year-old."

"Aye. It was the only way. Check on him in a bit and make sure he's not overheated. If he starts sweating you can strip him."

"I will." John smiled at the doctor. "Oh. And before I forget, I think I was supposed to tell you about what I did yesterday? Or did I do that already?"

"What you did when?"

"Yesterday. I sort of... connected with Atlantis. Directly. I've had a bit of a headache since then, and I'm achy—I was basically putting myself between the toxin and the city so she could initialize her systems."

Carson's eyes narrowed. "And ye didn't mention it earlier why?"

"You had more important things to worry about." John shrugged. "But that's part of why I didn't have more patience for Rodney."

"Because you smacked your head against the wall and gave yourself a worse headache than before."

"Well, that, too." John rubbed his temples. "It's not that bad. I just thought I should tell you before Ronon ratted me out. I might have lost consciousness and been wobbly on my feet for a few minutes."

"So I should run you under the scanner."

"Ahh..." John gave him a wary look. There was no good answer to that question.

"Call someone to keep an eye on Rodney and come on. Let's get this over with."

John made a face, but tapped his radio on. "Sheppard to Teyla."

It took a moment for her to answer and she was out of breath when she did. "Yes, Colonel?"

"I didn't mean to disturb you, sorry. Carson wants to make sure I didn't damage anything yesterday, but Rodney is on medication and I don't want him here alone. I was just looking for someone to hang out in the suite for a bit while I'm in the infirmary."

"Of course. I shall be there in approximately ten minutes. Teyla out."

"Thanks." John glanced at Carson. "She'll be here in ten minutes. You know this isn't really necessary, right? I'm fine."

"Let's make sure. It'll ease my mind." His voice was placating and John knew better than to argue with him.

John took the opportunity to save what he had been working on, and shut down the computer. When he was just about done, Teyla was arriving. "This shouldn't take long. Doc just wants to be sure I didn't fry anything."

"Of course," she said, inclining her head. "Are there any special instructions?"

"Nah. He shouldn't wake up, I just don't want him here alone."

"I understand. I shall watch over him." She smiled at John, heading into the bedroom to check on Rodney.

Following Carson to the infirmary, John knew the routine—when they arrived, he kicked off his shoes and sat on the bed.

"It'll only take a few minutes for the scanner to run through the series of tests," Carson said, his fingers typing on the keyboard, setting everything up.

"Yessir." John laid back on the bed, closing his eyes.

John could feel it working, making several passes over his head. About ten minutes later, it shut down, returning to the idle position. "Aye. No damage that I can see. I can give you something for the headache if you'd like."

"If you wouldn't mind, I'll take something. It's been pounding since yesterday."

"Aye. I don'na mind at all." Carson headed to the medicine cabinet, unlocking the door with his key. He grabbed a blister pack of pills and handed them off to John. "Two every six hours."

"Thanks." John sat up, taking them and popping two out, dry-swallowing. "I should get back to check on Teyla and Rodney, and I need to swing by the mess later today. I'll see you at 1930 then."

"Are you certain about dinner?"

John rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm certain. I already got affirmatives from everyone else, too."

"Aye, okay. I'll see you then." He checked his watch, nodding to himself. "It's nearly 1100 already, so I'll grab lunch in a few hours."

Hopping off the bed, John put his shoes back on and started for the door. "Perfect. I'll see you then. Come hungry!"

"You know I will," Carson called after him.

John bee-lined for the suite, and when he arrived, went to the bedroom to find Teyla and check on Rodney. "Hey. He still sleeping?"

"Yes," she said quietly, offering a smile from where she sat on the chair next to the bed. "He sleeps deeply."

"Carson gave him something to help. He was being... feisty." John smiled softly, running a hand through Rodney's hair.

Rodney shifted slightly, but didn't wake. Teyla watched them for a moment, her eyes knowing, her mouth twisting up at the corners a little. "I had thought you enjoyed that."

"I do, most of the time. Admittedly, I was getting a little short on patience with it earlier." John continued to pet his lover almost like he would a cat. "I'll make it up to him later. After the get-together tonight."

"I am sure he would appreciate it."

"You're coming, right? I'm actually going to cook. The mess was kind enough to let me raid them for ingredients."

"Of course," she said quietly. "I would not miss it."

John stroked Rodney's face one last time before forcing himself to pull his hand back—he did have things that needed to get done. "I'm going to work from the office here today if anyone is looking for me. I want to be nearby when he wakes up. I'll be on radio though, so it shouldn't be a problem."

"Did you wish for me to stay with him?"

"No, that's okay. I know you have things you were planning to do today too. I'll be here, and I'll keep an ear out for when he wakes up. Hopefully a lot warmer."

"He was shivering slightly, but I did not know what else I could give him to wear."

"Carson said the toxin is affecting a lot of people's ability to regulate temperature. Just keeping Rodney dressed and under blankets will help though."

"Yes. I believe I saw Doctor Zelenka wearing some sort of…sleeveless shirt over his uniform. I believe he called it a…sweater vest."

Chuckling, John shook his head. "See, that's the sensible response to being cold—wear more layers. Rodney took the opposite direction—he kept trying to strip off the clothes we managed to get on him."

"That does not make sense."

John gave her a bit of a wry smile. "When we're home, just us, he's pretty much always naked. I prefer it, and I think over time he's gotten to the point where he hates having clothes on when he's home."

"That is certainly convenient."

John gave an embarrassed little chuckle. "Yeah, it really is. I didn't mean to do it, but I've sort of accidentally built in a few odd quirks like that. The longer we're together, the more of them I notice, and I know it's mostly my fault. I can't complain though. I do prefer him...accessible, so the clothes aren't really necessary when we're alone."

"And he prefers it as well."

John blushed a little harder, but nodded, glancing fondly at his lover again. "We're well matched in a lot of ways, that being one of them."

"I had hoped that would be the case." Teyla smiled knowingly. "I am pleased."

He glanced over at her. "I'm not sure I want to know, but you've had us pegged pretty much from the beginning, haven't you? I mean, you gave us that…gift—which has been put to very good use and I thank you again for—before I think we even knew we would go that direction. Have we always been that obvious?"

"To some, perhaps. Some of us are simply more perceptive than others."

"How long did you know? Before we actually got together I mean? I'm guessing you knew I wanted him, but I was in denial about it. And he... I don't think he honestly thought he was loveable until I decided not to take no for an answer."

"It was not long after we had met. I knew you were both searching for something. I had hoped you would find each other." She paused, glancing away. "Perhaps I may have…encouraged it."

He raised an eyebrow, but settled a bit more comfortably on the bed. He gave in to the urge and started petting Rodney again. "Oh?"

"Mission pairings, dinners, movie night…" She shrugged. "I had hoped it would work out and you both would allow it."

Shaking his head, John had a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that he and Rodney had been set up almost from the beginning—although he couldn't fault the results. "Thank you. I don't know if we would have gotten here without help, but... I know this is good for both of us. As cheesy as it sounds out loud, I think we keep each other sane while driving each other nuts."

"I would have to agree," Teyla said, a laugh threatening.

He grinned at her, and then down at Rodney as his lover muttered softly and shifted, curling unconsciously into John's body.

"Even in slumber he knows."

"Mine." John whispered it softly, tracing one finger down, around the collar.

Teyla smiled. "I shall leave you with him, then."

"Thanks." John looked up again, sharing another smile with her. "See you tonight."

"You are welcome, John. And yes, I am looking forward to it." She rose gracefully to her feet, walking out of the bedroom and their apartment a minute later.

John just watched Rodney sleeping for a while, before he finally leaned in to press a kiss into the other man's now very messy hair. "I'll be in the other room when you wake up."

A buzz on his radio about an hour later startled him out of his work.

"Sheppard here."

"Sir, Johnson mentioned you wanted to talk to me."

"Ah, Theo. Yes. I'm cooking dinner for the senior staff tonight, and she didn't have any ideas on adapting the local supplies for desserts. I have a few thoughts, but I wanted to see what you had tried that worked—and didn't—before I go wasting stuff."

"Desert? That's my specialty. Tell me what you're looking for and I'll get something to you before your dinner starts."

John flushed a little, glad no one was there to see it. "I actually wouldn't mind cooking it myself. It's a... hobby of mine. Stress relief. I was initially thinking something simple and easy—along the lines of a light cake, maybe angel food, and some Pegasus berries and cream."

"Oh." There was a long pause before he continued. "We don't have a lot on hand. I can probably round up a few things."

"Do you have any better ideas? To be honest, I'm not much of a pastry chef. I like cooking, but desserts were never my strong suit."

"Then let me make you something."

John hesitated, then nodded to himself. "All right. I'm swinging by the mess in a few hours to snag a loaf of the bread Johnson is making tonight. Can you have it ready by then?"

"Yes."

"Perfect. Thanks, I appreciate the help."

"This is the fun part, sir. Glad to help."

Chuckling, John finally got it. The Marine probably didn't get much chance to just play a little. "I'll be anxious to see what you come up with. See you in a few hours. Sheppard out."

John worked a little while longer before heading back into the bedroom to check on his lover. Rodney was still asleep, but a slight sheen of sweat was growing across his forehead.

Remembering what Carson had said, he pulled back the blankets and stripped the outer layer of sweats off his lover's body, then pulled only a light sheet back over him.

Rodney shifted, curling into John's body.

"Hey, buddy. I can't stay long. I have a few more reports I need to get through, and then I have to go collect the rest of the stuff for dinner. Not to mention cooking it."

There was a brief flutter of eyelash and a small sliver of blue, glazed blue staring up at him.

"I'm just next door, in the office. I'll let you know before I leave. If you wake up hot, you're allowed to strip the rest of the clothes off."

Rodney nodded, curling closer to John, his eyes closing again.

Pressing a kiss into his lover's temple, John started to stand up.

"Stay?"

"I can for a minute. I will have to run down to the mess soon though."

"'kay." Rodney smiled softly, his hand moving to rest on John's leg.

John buried his fingers back in Rodney's hair, returning to the petting from earlier. "Feeling better?"

"Tired."

"The stuff Carson gave you earlier hasn't worn off yet."

"Cheated."

"Yeah. And I am sorry I lost my temper earlier. I had a bad headache. It's no excuse, I know, but I am sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. You shouldn't have to just accept bad behavior when I'm in an off mood."

Rodney shifted, rolling more in toward John's body. "You do when it's me. Only fair."

Smiling down at his lover, John conceded. "Maybe. Still sorry though. How's your temperature? Hot, cold?"

"Better. Still keeps shifting."

"Keep that layer on then. It will help a bit." John's expression was soft as he just enjoyed sitting here with the other man, touching, caressing, talking. It was nice. Very nice. "I talked to Theo in the mess—he radioed earlier. He's going to make a dessert for tonight for me."

Rodney perked up. "Chocolate?"

Chuckling, John shrugged. "I don't know. He didn't tell me. I think he's looking forward to the challenge of making a real dessert instead of only the stuff it's easy to do mass quantities of. If he has any chocolate, he might just use it."

"Chocolate would be nice," Rodney said drowsily. "I might have to go to the bathroom, too."

"Need me to take the plug out?"

"Um…probably." Rodney shifted, rolling onto his stomach and planting his face in John's lap.

John laughed quietly, but ran his hands down the other man's back, using his nails a bit to scratch through the fabric.

Rodney moaned, still half asleep, purring lazily under John's hands.

"Comfortable?"

"Mmmmm." John rolled his eyes. As long as there was some sort of touching, Rodney was content in just about any position—his aching back long forgotten.

"If you want me to take out the plug so you can go relieve yourself, you're going to have to let me move." He was more or less pinned to the bed with how Rodney had positioned himself—not that John was really complaining.

Rodney mumbled something into John's crotch he didn't quite catch.

The warm breath and hint of movement had John's dick twitching a bit in interest. He thought sternly at it. "I didn't catch that, buddy."

Rodney repeated himself, but didn't move, which didn't help at all.

"Still didn't catch it." John tried to shift a little so Rodney's face would be free.

"You're comfy and I'm not sure I can get to the bathroom."

Huffing his amusement, John scratched his lover's back again. "Well, I can help you to the bathroom. I can't stop being comfy though. Sorry."

"Hate fuzzy drugs."

"I know. But he didn't give you a big dose, so they'll wear off soon." John's breath hitched on the last word as Rodney nuzzled him through his BDUs.

"Mmm…smell good."

"O…oh?" John's fingertips dug a little into Rodney's back.

"Uh huh," he mumbled, pressing down on John's cock with his nose and breathing in deeply.

John made a soft noise, and his dick, which wasn't listening to him _at all_ , started to harden.

"Mmmm," Rodney hummed, shifting slightly to mouth John through his BDUs.

"Oh..." John's legs spread as much as the position would allow, almost against his will.

"Open…please," Rodney whispered in between nips.

With a groan, John did, letting Rodney wiggle so he was between John's now outstretched and spread legs. He let his head thunk back against the headboard.

"Pants…skin…please."

"Oh god..." John worked his pants open, lifting his hips to shove them and his boxers down just enough to free his growing erection.

Rodney shifted again, this time enveloping John's cock in his mouth. They both moaned as Rodney began sucking lightly, humming around him.

"God, I love your mouth. I could spend the whole day like this, with you sucking on me, keeping me right at the edge of orgasm. When you're in the labs, talking a mile a minute, hands waving, I have to think of really unsexy things to keep from getting painfully hard."

With Rodney still drowsy from the drugs, this particular blow-job was slow and lazy.

It was good, so good. John liked fast and hard, but he loved the slow build too. Especially when it came to blowjobs, Rodney tended to want to get him off spectacularly fast. This was a nice change of pace. John sank one hand into Rodney's hair, not really guiding or demanding, just because he wanted to touch. The other was fisted in the sheets beside him as his breathing got increasingly ragged.

His lover just keep up the steady pace, sucking and humming, content and in his own little world.

Closing his eyes, John gave himself up to the pleasure. He lost track of time, but when he did finally come, it washed over him gently, rather than exploding.

Rodney swallowed everything down, licking him clean once John had finished. He settled back down, his head on John's thigh breathing evenly, his eyes closed.

When he finally got his voice and some coordination back, John caressed his lover's face. "Thank you."

"Mmmm." Rodney smiled lightly.

They stayed there for a while, both of them content to just be there. John sighed softly when his radio chirped. He was on duty though, so he couldn't ignore it. "Sheppard here."

"Lorne, sir. Just confirming for later. Wanted to make sure you and McKay would be up for it."

"We're all set." John smiled. "I'm looking forward to it actually. How is Parrish doing? Any better?"

"Much. He actually headed back down to the labs because Doctor Brown is in the infirmary still."

"Good to hear. This could have been a hell of a lot worse, I'm thinking."

"Fifteen dead and a good portion of the science staff sick…not sure how much worse it could be."

"Everyone who inhaled it could be dead, instead of just sick. Losing anyone is bad, but we could have lost the entire science division." John's hand curled protectively around Rodney's neck.

Lorne sighed quietly. "I know. Still doesn't make it any easier. Did you get a final report yet, sir? I haven't seen anything myself."

"No, last I looked I hadn't seen the final. I have Carson's preliminary, and the anecdotal stuff though. And mine is in, although it was more on the device and Atlantis than the sick. I think everyone has been too busy dealing with the aftermath to sit and write up full reports. I'll give it another day or so as things settle, then we'll see them I imagine."

"What happened, sir? I've heard a lot of different things…"

John sighed. "From what I saw and what I was told later, one of the scientists had just been pushed too far, and detonated the device as a suicide measure. He was one of the first fatalities. The toxin got into the ventilation system of the city, and was making her sluggish. I did what I could to head it off, and fortunately we were able to get it vented before it did any damage to her systems, or made its way into other inhabited areas."

"Damn," Lorne said quietly.

"Yeah. Which is why I say it was bad, but it could have been a hell of a lot worse. The city could have been permanently damaged, more than just the science staff in the labs could have inhaled the gas... As it is, all but the very unlucky few who were allergic to the toxin seem to be making speedy recoveries."

"Let's hope things quiet down for a while," he said. "I'm finishing the requisition forms for you, also. You'll need to go through them before the end of the day."

"Ahh, thanks. I keep meaning to get to them, and other things keep coming up. Let me go get a few things finished, and I'll approve them before I sign off for the night. I'll see you at 1930 unless anything else comes up."

"Sounds good, sir. See you then. Lorne out."

"Sheppard out." John clicked off the radio, then looked down again. "Hey, buddy, I do have to get back to work. I'm just over in the office next door, so if you need anything, just holler, okay?"

His lover, however, was out cold once again, plastered to John's leg.

Chuckling, John very carefully shifted him, trying to slide out without waking the other man.

Unfortunately, Rodney shifted with John, but wrapped his arms around John's leg, settling in closer with a quiet, content sigh.

"Ahh. Rodney? As much as I want to stay here with you, I do need to get some work done..." John tried again to untangle himself.

Rodney had become a barnacle on John's leg, latched on tightly even in sleep and not showing any signs of letting go.

Huffing out a breath, John paused, looking down at his lover. The other man looked peaceful, content. John couldn't help but reach down to run fingers through his hair again—it was sort of addictive today.

A small smile grew on his lover's lips.

"You don't play fair, being all cute and cuddly." John smiled.

Rodney was silent, sleeping contently attached to John's leg, his bathroom break apparently forgotten in lieu of giving John a blowjob and sleeping. Sometimes he wondered about what his lover dreamed about, especially at times like this, when he was smiling to himself.

With a soft sigh, John stayed there a few more minutes. But he did have things that needed to get done, and he would need to start dinner, too. "Rodney? Buddy? I really do need to get up now." He shifted, trying to sit up and slide off the bed again.

Rodney just tightened down on John's leg, making a small noise of protest that his pillow was moving.

Wincing—his lover had a tight grip now—John tried to soothe him. "I'll come back. Just let me go get my laptop, and then I can sit in here with you and work, okay?"

Rodney let out a long sigh, words muffled against John's leg. "I was sleeping."

"I know, and I'm sorry. But I do need to get a little work done. I can go get my laptop and bring it in here to sit with you, if you'd like that."

His lover pulled himself away from John's leg, rolling back to the middle of the bed, curled on his side, the blankets tangled around his legs.

John touched him briefly, then tucked himself away and scooted into the office. He grabbed the laptop and returned to the bedroom.

Sedatives always hit Rodney hard and this was no exception. He was asleep again, snoring quietly, body lax. John settled in next to him, pressing his legs against Rodney's sleep-warmed back.

He logged back in to the server, seeing the reports Lorne had left for him, as well as several other things that needed his attention. He swore the paperwork multiplied every time he closed his laptop, like some sort of deranged bunny origami or something.

While John didn't like his lover to be sick or under the weather, there was something so nice and comforting about working in bed with Rodney at his side. It was very…domestic.

At one point that afternoon, the Marine from the mess arrived with his supplies, and John had him leave them all in the kitchen. Since he was up, he checked to make sure Rodney was still asleep, left a quick note that he would be right back just in case the other man woke up, and headed back down to thank Johnson again, and get his bread and the mystery dessert from Theo.

The Marine was nearly busting when John arrived, his smile stretching from ear-to-ear. "Now, sir, I need you to promise me that you won't open it until it's time for dessert."

Grinning, John nodded. "Mmm, a real surprise. I like a good surprise now and then, so I think I can manage to keep my hands off."

"Good. Make sure you keep it refrigerated," he said finally handing over the covered plate. "Your bread's ready, too. Still warm."

John inhaled, letting the fresh smells of food filter through him. He loved kitchens. "Easy enough. And thanks again, to you and all the mess staff. I know special requests can be a pain, but I appreciate you guys working with me on this."

"For you, sir, it's not a problem."

John grinned, and shook the other man's hand. "I'll swing by tomorrow and let you know how everything went over. And maybe try to con recipes off you."

"State secret, sir. If I tell you I may have to kill you and then there would be too much paperwork."

"Oh, god, no more paperwork. There's enough of that already." Laughing, John gathered up all the stuff they had for him onto a cart. "I'll bring back all the dishes and stuff tomorrow, too."

"Bring 'em back clean."

"Of course!" Still chuckling, he headed out. He noted quite a few odd looks from his men as he passed them in the halls.

Most simply shook their heads and kept walking. There was always something odd happening in Atlantis. When he got back to the apartment, he wheeled the cart into the kitchen and parked it, before heading into the bedroom to check on Rodney. John spotted a bare shoulder and half of Rodney's face under the blankets. The long underwear was in a pile shoved nearly off the bed.

Raising an eyebrow, he moved around to his lover's side of the bed, pulling the blankets back just enough to peek. "Decided to get naked again?"

Rodney shivered as the cooler air hit him and he opened an eye, glaring up at John. "Letting in the cold air."

"If you weren't naked, it wouldn't be as bad." But he had to smile. Rodney was adorable sometimes. "You do know you'll have to get dressed tonight. You'll scar Radek and Parrish for life if you come out naked."

"Hmph," Rodney snorted, tugging the blankets back around himself, burrowing in. "Maybe."

Laughing softly, John pressed a kiss to the small sliver of skin he could still see. "I'm going to start cooking dinner. The more prep I do now, the less hectic it will be later. If you need me for anything, either come out and find me, or yell. Are you hungry at all?"

Rodney mumbled into the blankets.

Kissing him again, John left him to his burrowing. In the kitchen, he got out a small plate of finger foods—he would either feed them to his lover when he wandered out, or bring them in to him when the cooking was done.

Cooking, as always, was very therapeutic for John. He lost himself for a little while in the pleasure of working with food, feeling it under his hands. He got the pasta dough made and rolled out, making rough strips to boil later. He also used what he had been given to put together a nice sauce, sautéing a bit of mystery meat that tasted like a sausage of some kind to throw in along with the tomatoes and spices. He was making a spread of garlic and butter—real butter, wow!—to put on the bread later when a noise made him look up.

Rodney was up, standing buck naked in the doorway to the bedroom, rubbing his face and listing to the side. There were sheet marks on his cheek, his skin red from where he'd been lying on it. His hair was sticking up in various places.

"Hey, there." Emotions tightened John's chest. It still amazed and surprised him sometimes. He hadn't know you could love someone this much.

His lover took a few shuffling steps forward and then paused, a large yawn pulling all of Rodney's concentration. He picked up the pace nearly a minute later, padding quietly over to John and wrapping his arms around him, leaning a good amount of his weight on him.

Humming, John put his own arms around his lover, holding him. "I set out a few things for you to nibble on, so your blood-sugar doesn't drop too low before dinner."

Rodney nodded, sliding his hands down to cup John's ass cheeks. "'kay."

Reaching back, John got a little of the sauce simmering on their Ancient version of a stove on a fingertip, holding it up for Rodney. "How's it taste? Okay?"

Rodney's mouth enveloped his finger, his tongue licking away all of the sauce and gently sucking on the digit.

John shivered pleasantly. "Does it need anything?"

Letting John's finger drop his mouth, Rodney leaned back, his voice quiet. "Tastes fine."

"Good." John whispered it. "If you want to go get comfortable, I'll put away what I can and come feed you the snack."

"Have to go to the bathroom, but I don't want to."

"Because it would mean taking the plug out? And not having me inside you anymore?"

Rodney nodded.

John kissed him softly. "Come with me and I'll take it out and you can take care of yourself. I'll fuck you again later, I promise."

"Now?" Rodney's eyes were wide and hopeful—and still sleep glazed.

John chuckled. "I wish I could right now. But I need to finish here, and then clean up a bit before it gets too late." He started to lead his lover to the bathroom.

Rodney didn't protest—which John was expecting—following John obediently, quietly.

Once they were in the bathroom, John gently bent his lover over the sink, grabbing a warm, damp washcloth. He pulled the plug free and tossed it to be cleaned, then carefully wiped away as much of the semen that leaked out as he could.

Then he quickly settled Rodney on the bowl, letting him take care of business as John cleaned the plug. The bedroom smelled like sex, so he should probably change the sheets, too, while he was at it.

Giving Rodney a bit of privacy, he stripped the bed and quickly put on fresh sheets, tucking the blankets back where they belonged, and making sure no toys or other paraphernalia were lying around.

He locked their toy drawers. Not that anyone would go into the bedroom, but just to be safe. A quiet "John" drew him back to the bathroom.

"I'm here."

Rodney was still where John had put him, looking up at his lover with wide, blue eyes. "Can you…" he began, only to stop, his face flushing a little. "Can you…you know…?"

John blinked. "Can I what? I'm not trying to embarrass you, but I don't know what you're asking for."

His lover ducked his head, the red deepening in his cheeks. "I like it when…you know…you take care of me and whatnot."

Ahh. Now John got it. He smiled, moving over to tip Rodney's face up, leaning in to kiss him softly. "I love you."

Rodney melted into John, opening up completely under him.

Who knew the simple act of taking care of someone like this, so intimately, would be relaxing? John never would have guessed. When he was done, John linked their fingers together. "Ready for a little food?"

"Can I…can you plug me again?"

He had promised the whole day... John had left the plug to dry on the edge of the sink after he had cleaned it. He grabbed it now and toweled it off, going into the shower for a bit of lube.

When he turned back, Rodney was leaning over the sink, his ass on display for John.

Unable to help himself, John gave the pert globes a few light smacks, just enough to bring a little color to the surface.

Rodney moaned, shifting his stance and opening his legs a little more. He pressed his ass out further, encouraging John's ministrations.

Humming to himself, John expanded his attentions, making sure Rodney's entire ass was glowing faintly pink. "Very pretty."

"All warm for you, warm and ready for you to fuck," Rodney whispered.

John worked a single finger inside his lover's willing body. "I should have more self-control than this. I should be able to resist your charms better," John teased, pressing kisses along Rodney's shoulders.

"Why?" he asked, the word more a moan than anything.

"Because we can't actually spend our whole lives doing nothing except having sex. Eventually our dicks would just stop working." John had unbuttoned and prepped himself, and pushed inside slowly.

"Why not? This feels good…so good."

Since he had come earlier, John wasn't in any rush now. He thrust slowly, lazily. "Elizabeth might object if we never left the suite again."

"Don't…" Rodney panted, "don’t care."

John chuckled. "At the moment, I have to admit, neither do I."

Rodney clenched down on John, making each and every pass even more exquisite, the tight, heat felt so good. His lover was moaning quietly, a sheen of sweat growing on his shoulders as he rocked back to meet John's thrusts.

John suddenly remembered—Rodney was wearing a cage. He couldn't get hard, much less come. "Shit... I forgot... You should have reminded me you can't get hard with that on. I need to go get the key." He started to pull out.

"No…no, John, please no," Rodney begged.

Pausing, John was half in, half out of his lover's body. "It has to be painful."

"No…good, please…I'm good."

Slowly sinking back in, John wrapped his arms around Rodney's body. "You just want to be used today, hmm?"

"Want you."

"You have me either way."

"But this is…different."

John nipped at the back of Rodney's neck, even as he started the slow rocking again. "Okay."

"Mmmm…better."

"What did I do to deserve you?" John whispered it into slick skin.

"That's…that's my question," he panted. Rodney's hands drifted down to John's, tugging one of them up to his nipple, laying it on top.

Taking the hint, John began to fondle as he fucked, enjoying the sounds and smells and the feel of his lover's body.

And Rodney let himself fall headlong into sensation, arching under John's hands, rocking into his thrusts, his head thrown back against John's shoulder, moaning and panting in pleasure.

It wasn't much longer before John's body needed release; he emptied himself into his partner before letting himself go limp against the other man's back.

Rodney was trembling, holding John's hands to his chest even as he supported their weight. He was whispering, chanting "so good, so good" over and over again, lost in their lovemaking, in John.

When he was fairly sure his legs would support him again, John pulled out slowly, making sure to push the plug immediately in to take his place.

As soon as the plug settled in, Rodney moaned. "John…so good."

"I know." He rubbed the other man's back, soothing him. "You have me locked back inside you, filling you for the evening. You'll be out socializing with our friends, knowing I'm there, so deep."

Rodney nodded. "Inside, filling me."

John used the washcloth from earlier to wipe himself down and get presentable again. "All right, now you really need to eat a little something. We'll have a big dinner, but I don't want you waiting that long."

Rodney turned to John, holding out his hands. "Whatever you want, sir." He offered John a pleasure-filled smile.

John made a pleased noise, taking his lover's hands and leading him out to the kitchen. He loved seeing Rodney so relaxed, just far enough down to be happy, but far enough up that John could talk to him, tease him, just enjoy his company.

Before they could reach the kitchen, Rodney paused, drawing John back to him. "Thank you," he whispered, leaning in to catch John's lips with his own.

They kissed for a few minutes before John pulled back. "You're very welcome. Always."

Rodney licked his reddened lips, his face and eyes suggestive.

Chuckling, John tugged him forward. "You might still be raring to go, but my body needs at least some recovery time."

"I'm sure you can come up with something we'd both enjoy."

"Mmm, right now I want to feed you a snack, then find a compromise on the clothes. We have about another hour and a half before everyone comes over."

When John stopped, Rodney continued forward until he was plastered against John's body, hands wandering, searching for skin.

John sucked in a breath when Rodney managed to get his hands under John's shirt, seeming to find unerringly his nipples. "Fuck..."

"Mmm…did that already."

Despite himself, John found himself arching into the tweaking and fondling. "Not.... playing... fair..."

"You feel so good," Rodney hummed.

"I..." John's brain was going offline. Rodney knew the fastest way to shut him down was to play with him like this.

"Want you to feel good," he whispered.

"Al…always..." John moaned softly. His dick was starting to give protesting twitches—it wanted to get hard again, it really, really did.

And then Rodney was dropping to his knees, his hands sliding around to hold his ass as he leaned into his groin, humming and nuzzling.

John's knees threatened to give out.

But his lover didn't move to open his BDUs, simply mouthing and nuzzling him, rubbing the fabric against John's cock.

It almost hurt, getting hard again this fast, this much today. With a moan, John reached back to find a chair, needing to sit.

Rodney purred as soon as John slumped down, shifting forward, burying his face in John's crotch again.

"Oh god... Rodney..."

"So good, John, feel so good."

John's legs spread wide, against his will.

But then Rodney stopped, the pressure vanishing.

John whimpered. "Wha…"

"What do you want, sir?" Rodney asked, his voice deep, low.

"Nnng." John realized his own hand was snaking under his shirt, picking up where Rodney had left off—and keeping the circuits from making a full connection.

"Are you going to come on me, mark me again?"

"M…maybe."

"I'd like that," Rodney purred. "I like what you do to me."

"Killing me..." John moaned, trying weakly to tug Rodney up for a kiss.

His lover moved easily, going where John's hands wanted him to. The kiss was wet and dirty, Rodney teasing and tempting John with tongue before retreating, forcing John to follow, to attack.

Thinking 'screw it', John shoved him so he was flat on the floor and straddled him, grinding his groin down into Rodney's body.

Rodney bucked up into John's body, wriggling and struggling in John's grip, forcing him to continually readjust his stance, his grip on Rodney's hands. "That…that the best you can do?" his lover panted.

"I…am not... coming... in my pants... an hour before... we have a party."

"Already have a wet spot."

"Evil." John panted, even as he continued to grind down.

Rodney groaned. "You love it."

"Course I do." John managed a grin, letting go of Rodney's wrists. "Touch me. Want to feel your hands all over me."

His lover didn't hesitate, his hands sneaking under John's shirt, nails dragging across skin.

With another moan, John arched forward, wanting more.

"We are…having sex…on the kitchen floor…before dinner guests show up…" Rodney panted into John's skin, his hands moving easily, confidently. He knew exactly what touches would turn John on, make him moan.

John tried to form a coherent thought to that. He really did. But all he could come up with was "Oh, Rodney, god, fuck, please..."

"So naughty….so dirty…so good."

John was going between grinding down, trying to get the pressure he needed against his groin, and arching up, into the tweaks and scratches and fondling that was driving him insane. He panted hard, shuddering, trying to get what he needed and whining softly when Rodney kept backing off just before it would be enough to put him over.

"So good, John…" Rodney groaned. "Want this to last."

"You're...not the one... going out of his mind... need to come..." John arched again with a sob as Rodney twisted a nipple hard.

"Who says?" Rodney asked, his voice low as he backed off again. "I'm already full with your come…plugged…locked in a chastity cage…won't come until you're ready for me to."

Moaning, John ground down again. "Because you're mine."

"And I love it."

Shuddering hard as Rodney hit another sensitive spot hard, John came helplessly, making a mess of his clothing.

"Beautiful," Rodney whispered as John's climax rolled through him, leaving him shaking through the aftershocks.

Slumping down, John wrapped himself around Rodney. "You jus' made me come in my pants on th' ki'chen fl'r."

"Uh huh," Rodney said with a chuckle, holding on to John.

"E'vl sex god sub."

"Mmm. A good thing?"

"Ver', ver' good thing." John knew he was slurring his words. "Can' even talk right. Brain gone. Shot out my dick."

"And all over your pants."

"Sticky." He made a face. "Have to jump in the shower now."

"We could."

"You need to eat."

"You need to shower."

"If you'll eat a little for me, you can shower with me."

"Requires us moving."

"Yes. Have to anyway. Guests coming over."

"I guess."

John gave his lover a sloppy kiss.

Rodney returned it eagerly, fingers digging into the muscles of John's back.

John broke it off with nibbles. "Come on. Let me feed you a few bites at least so you don't get sick, and then you can wash my hair for me."

"Hmmm…kay," Rodney said, leaning up to nibble at John's bottom lip.

It took a great act of will for John to force himself to rise, pointing Rodney to his cushion. He grabbed the tray of snacks and sat down in his chair.

Rodney moved slowly, licking his lips as he settled into place, his hands clasped easily behind his back in his usual position.

"You don't have to eat a lot. Just a few pieces of cheese and some fruit." John pushed a piece between Rodney's lips. "I cooked a full meal for later."

"Hungry."

"I figured. That's why I wanted you to eat a little something to hold you over. I made pasta and sauce, and we'll have garlic bread. And the mess made us a mystery dessert."

"Mmm…sounds good."

"I hope so. Most of the people coming over don't even know I can cook, much less have tried it." John made a small face as he fed Rodney another bite. "I hope it turns out okay."

"It will. Always does."

Smiling, John caressed Rodney's face and fed him a few more bites. "All right, let's go hop in the shower. And then you will have to put some clothes on."

Rodney made a face. "Unfortunately."

"You can strip again before we go to bed." John laughed softly and stood.

"You'll do it?" Rodney asked, taking John's hand as he rose to his feet.

"Of course." John leered a little.

Rodney leaned into John. "And you'll fuck me again?"

"Maybe. I will take the cage off. I want to watch you come."

"Mmm…more than once?"

John just laughed at the glazed look Rodney was wearing. "We have a party to get through first. Then we can play wild sex games again."

"We can? Really?" His lover was eager and playful. He had to be feeling a lot better. It seemed that nearly an entire day sleeping did wonders for Rodney's attitude.

"Really." John would promise him anything to keep that smile on his face. "If you think of anything you want to try or do, tell me when everyone leaves. I'll do my best to fill every fantasy you can come up with tonight."

Rodney eyes widened until there was a vast white rim around the iris. "Oh."

John kissed his nose, stripping off his sticky clothes as he started the shower.

His lover's hands were on his skin as soon as John bared it.

"We do have to be dressed and decent when everyone else gets here. And I need to finish dinner." John took his hand, tugging him under the water.

"But why?" Rodney whined, sputtering a little as the water washed over him, drenching him.

"Everyone might be a little traumatized by watching us have sex in the living room."

Rodney closed the distance between them. "But you'd love it."

John grinned. "That sex for an audience kink again. I like claiming you, knowing other people are watching but you're all mine."

"Mmm…I think I'd like you to fuck me if we go to that club again."

John shivered at the idea. Rodney definitely knew how to turn John on.

"Maybe you'd even tie me to one of the walls in the dungeon room. Put me on display," Rodney whispered.

John gave a quiet moan, grabbing the washcloth to start washing Rodney. "So hot."

His lover kept shifting, whispering about all the things John could do to him in the club, all the ways John could fuck him in front of an audience.

By the time he had Rodney clean, John's body was tingling, although he wasn't hard again. He hummed, handing the shampoo over.

Rodney took it, getting to work, his blunt-tipped fingers working the lather through John's hair, massaging his scalp.

"Mmmm. Can't wait to go on vacation with you. A whole week of just us. No worries, no stress."

"You're serious?"

"Yes." John leaned into Rodney's fingers. "You won't wear clothes for days."

"Heavy bondage?"

"Oh, yeah." John purred. "If I can't find an actual bondage resort, we'll lock ourselves away in a cabin in the middle of no where. If you aren't tied down, you'll be on a leash."

Rodney leaned in, capturing John's mouth in a fierce kiss.

When they parted to breath, John grinned a little. "So I guess that idea meets with your approval?"

"Can we leave now?"

"Soon. Elizabeth is going to set it up so we can do the briefing with the IOA first, and then take our leave after."

Rodney whimpered. "Not now."

"Soon." John ducked under the water to rinse away the rest of the suds. "Very soon. And then it will just be us."

"Like this, but better."

John shut off the water and leaned in to brush Rodney's lips with his own. "Just like the fantasy you told me about. A whole week of bondage and submission."

"Just us."

"Just us." It was a promise.

Rodney smiled broadly. "Deal."

Chuckling, John led him out of the shower. "We'll pack some of our favorite toys, and we have a few others at the apartment. But we might have to stock the apartment a bit better, if there's anything we really want to make sure we have in both places."

"And buy some new stuff."

"Oh yeah."

"A wider collar. With a big ring on the front."

"What else?" Listening to Rodney talk about sex toys and bondage gear was hot.

"Thicker cuffs. Ones that are really sturdy, that lock, with multiple rings. Heavier chains. Larger plug that I'd wear all the time. All you'd have to do is pull it out and slide right in."

John hummed his approval.

"Maybe…maybe a different chastity cage, something even more…secure."

"Hmm. I like using the Ancient ring. It's my favorite piece of bondage for your pretty cock." And he was still hoping that maybe someday they would find it's equivalent in a plug. That would be fun.

"I like…sometimes I like it that I can't even get an erection, that you control even that."

"I know." John stepped close enough to kiss his lover softly. "I like that, too, sometimes. Especially when we play a little harder."

Rodney nodded, moaning quietly into the kiss. "But we'd play hard then…on vacation, right?"

"Oh, yeah. We're going to play very hard on vacation. By the time we're done, you'll be one big puddle of goo."

"Lots of leather and metal and sex."

"I promise."

"Mmm…you have no idea how much I really want to just say screw everything and just go and spend the next several years of my life on my back."

John held him close. "I know. But after a while you would start to resent me for it. And then hate me for it. And I would hate myself for snuffing you out. You're too brilliant and creative to be smothered by me."

"I just…I think right now that's what I want, to stop thinking, worrying, obsessing."

"That's why I put in for leave for us. I want to give you that."

"But you're probably raring to go, to get back to work and I'm here starting to fall apart."

"Hey." John forced Rodney to look up at him. "I've been working, just not going off-world. And after everything we've been through lately... I think we both need a break from all of it. I'm feeling a lot better, yes. But even getting to this point has been a challenge and emotionally exhausting. I'll welcome the break as much as you will."

Rodney held his gaze for a long moment before dropping his eyes. His voice was quiet, hushed, his body folding in a little on itself. "I might…I might have to talk to Kate."

John let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He kissed the top of Rodney's head. "You might. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'll go with you if you want me there, or you can make a separate appointment. That will be up to you."

His lover stepped closer, wrapping his arms around John, taking the comfort he was offering.

They stood there for several minutes before John sighed softly. "We really do need to get dressed now. I need to finish prepping dinner, and we need to do a last run through the suite to make sure it's clean."

"I know. Gotta wash the come off the kitchen floor."

"Yeah. Actually, if you don't mind, can you clean up while I work on the food?"

"Of course. Do I have to get dressed right away?"

John shook his head. "Not if you don't want to. I am going to pull a clean uniform on, but if you want to wait a bit longer, until after you clean, you can."

"I'd rather wait as long as I can if you don't mind."

"Not at all." John stole another fast kiss, then pulled away, digging around in the drawers to find clean clothes. On a whim, since this was a party, he decided to pull on a pair of jeans that hugged his hips, and a black shirt that clung in all the right places.

Rodney had already headed out into the kitchen. John could hear him banging around in the cabinets, pulling out the cleaning supplies.

Running a hand a few times through his hair in a vain attempt to tame it, John wandered out, immediately heading to the kitchen and pulling out what he would need to put the finished meal together.

Rodney was on his hands and knees washing down the floor, the plug prominent in his ass.

John took a moment to admire. "Nice view."

His lover glanced over his shoulder, offering John a small smile. He wiggled his ass and turned back to his task.

Chuckling, John went to work, humming to himself as he got it all ready. The sauce was still simmering, and was coming together nicely. The pasta he wouldn't boil until just before serving, but he had it all ready to go. The bread he sliced and spread the garlic butter on, ready to toast. He made a quick salad, tossing together greens and some near-tomatoes and almost cucumbers and a quick vinaigrette.

Rodney tapped at John's bare foot, getting him to lift first one, then the other, as he washed the floor where John was standing before moving on.

It was nice, just the two of them, working in a comfortable silence, friends coming over soon. Domesticity wasn't something John had ever thought he would want, but more and more, he found himself craving these moments with Rodney.

"When's the last time we cleaned the small half-bath?"

"No idea. I don't ever use it, so probably when we moved in."

"Should do it then so no one has to trek into our room."

"Sounds like a good plan. And after that, go ahead and get dressed. We have about another half-hour before I told everyone to be here."

"Okay. Did you want me in anything special?" Rodney asked as it climbed to his feet, glancing at John with a sheepish expression. "I mean, besides what I'm already wearing."

Chuckling, John shook his head. "Whatever is comfortable. This is what I'm wearing, so if you want to pull on jeans, go ahead."

Rodney bobbed his head. "Okay. Let me get that bathroom clean because god only knows what have might died in there since either of us looked in on it."

Chuckling, John nodded again. They puttered for the next half-hour—Rodney finished cleaning and disappeared into the bedroom to dress, and John had everything ready, and what dishes he wasn't going to use again clean when the door chime went off. He padded over, waving it open after calling a quick warning into the bedroom to Rodney that they weren't alone anymore.

He heard a squeak from the bedroom and the door slid shut cutting it off. Rolling his eyes, John gestured Carson—who was standing quite hesitantly in the hall—to come in.

"Hey, come on in." For convenience sake, he left the door open so he wouldn't have to keep coming back to let people in, and padded back to the kitchen. "Rodney just finished cleaning, so he is changing. He'll be right out."

"It smells good in here," Carson said, walking in cautiously. "Are you sure you want to leave the door open? You might get the rest of the city piling into your quarters."

Chuckling, John snagged two bottles of hoarded beer out of the fridge-like hole in the counter, handing one over and opening the second for himself. "I doubt people will just come wandering in. It's just marinara sauce."

"If they smelled what was in the mess they would." Carson's nose twitched as if he still remembered the odor. "And then there's the garlic and spices…and something else. It smells heavenly."

John blushed a little, shrugging. "Thanks. I don't have the resources to do anything fancy, but hopefully it turned out okay. Theo in the kitchens made the dessert, but I had to promise even I wouldn't peek to see what it was until we were ready to serve."

"Theo?" Carson's forehead creased as he took a sip of his beer as he thought. "He's the bald one. Big guy?"

"Yup." John leaned a hip against the counter. "And apparently a pastry chef who doesn't get much chance to do anything interesting. Mostly just puddings and cookies."

"And pink chocolate cake. I don't think he'll ever live that one down."

"Hey, it tasted amazing. And it was before we had access to real chocolate again. I was pretty impressed."

"So was everyone else, but it did'na stop anyone from teasing him."

They both looked up at a cleared throat.

"Sorry, sir," Lorne said with an amused smile, David Parrish standing just behind him with a large grin on his face. "I thought this was a dinner party or something and not a water cooler conversation." They were both dressed down, in jeans and sweaters, looking a little more relaxed than they had in a while.

"Beckett was just objecting to pink chocolate. I was making the case that no matter the color, chocolate is chocolate. Want a beer? I didn't think to stock up on more, so we just have what I'd been squirreling away. Mostly Molson I think, because McKay seems to think the Budweiser of Canada is the best beer since they invented hops."

"Beer would be good," Lorne said, while Parrish asked for wine.

John pulled a bottle out and handed it to his XO, and got out the one bottle of wine he happened to have in the apartment, pouring a glass. He wondered what the hell Rodney was up to.

Teyla, Ronon, Elizabeth, and Radek arrived together, laughing about something as they stepped inside.

He waved them all in, passing around alcohol. "I'm going to go see what Rodney's doing. He was changing just before you all arrived." With a smile, John grabbed his lover a bottle of beer and headed to the bedroom.

"Take your time, John," Elizabeth said, looking more relaxed right now than she had in months. Everyone was dressed down in comfortable clothing and finding spots to sit or stand throughout the room. John thought the front door closed as he wandered into the bedroom to find Rodney—still naked—with a pile of clothes on the bed.

He made sure the bedroom door had closed and held out the beer. "Problems?"

Rodney took the proffered bottle, knocking back half of it in one go. "I…there's too many choices. If I wear this," he pointed to a tighter-fitting blue top, "everyone will see my nipple rings and my nipple even if you take out the ring because, hello! I'm really, really turned on just by looking at you. But if I wear these," Rodney pointed to another pile of clothes, "I know you'll be mad because they're my older clothes that don't fit as well as you like and I really want to wear something nice but I also don't really want to, well you know, flaunt the fact that we like to fuck like bunnies on a daily basis as often as we can find a private place or even let them know how much I really like to have your cock in my ass—"

John stopped the flow of words in the most efficient manner he knew how—he kissed Rodney until his lover's mouth stopped moving. "Wear the new stuff. It's okay if people see the rings. It's just jewelry, and a lot of men like them. Plus, you're really hot in that shirt, so I can covertly ogle you and look forward to peeling it off later. Pair it with your black jeans."

Rodney eyes were wide and really blue. "We can skip dinner."

"Everyone is out there waiting for us, and I need to start the noodles. Come on. I'll help you get dressed."

"No no. I can. Go and be sociable. I'll…I'll be fine." He took another gulp of his beer. "Fine."

"You're sure?" John ran a thumb along Rodney's jaw. "You'll be right out?"

Rodney closed his eyes, leaning into John's touch. "If you do that any more we won't leave the room."

Chuckling, John let his hand drop. "Don't take too long. I'll meet you out there then."

Moaning quietly, Rodney nodded, obviously composing himself.

John slipped back out, taking a pull from his beer and giving his dick a firm 'down boy!' command. He wandered back over to the group chatting and laughing quietly. "So we can eat pretty much any time. Just let me know when you guys get hungry."

"Rodney okay?" Carson asked, eyes drifting to the closed door.

Grinning, John nodded. "Believe it or not, he was trying to decide what to wear. He should be right out."

"Rodney?" Radek asked, with sputtering laugher. "Does he own clothes that are not uniform?"

John nodded. "We went shopping last time we were on Earth. I know I'll never hear the end of this, but I helped him pick out some stuff that fits and looks good on him."

This time most everyone chuckled, but it was Radek who put it into words. "Rodney in a mall? Did the world end and we not notice?"

John glanced up as his lover walked in, feeling smug. Instead of answering, he took a great deal of pleasure in the surprised and admiring glances Rodney got in the jeans and tighter top, his eyes wide and blue and so fucking gorgeous. "Hey, they were just giving me hell for going to the mall on my leave. You going to defend me?"

"Ah…" Rodney said, looking for a moment like a deer in headlights. "I needed clothes."

John smiled, taking a sip of beer. "As did I. I don't make a habit of keeping much between assignments, so I had about one box of clothes, in a storage unit in the middle of nowhere. It was either drag McKay to the mall with me, or run around Colorado naked. And I'm pretty sure I know how the SGC would feel about the second option."

Lorne rescued them, shifting on his feet. "I don't know about everyone else, but I'm starving."

That got chuckled all around, and John grinned. "I think I might be able to do something about that." He pushed off from the counter he had been leaning against, to the water he had put on to boil earlier. Aware of eyes watching him, he tried not to feel too self-conscious about actually cooking for people other than Rodney.

Their guests started talking among themselves again, laughing and relaxing as John got the pasta prepared.

He relaxed, feeling more peace than he could remember in a long time anywhere than in bed with Rodney. This was nice. Really nice.

It didn't take long for the pasta to cook, one of the benefits of using handmade instead of the boxed stuff. He put everything in a few serving bowls and set them, and the bread—now nicely toasted—out on the counter. "Sorry we don't have one big table. Everyone can make a plate and make yourselves at home, either here or in the living room."

They didn't rush the food, but it was pretty close. The Czech managed to beat everyone to the counter, piling food on his plate as everyone followed behind. Rodney offered a broad smile from the back of the crowd.

John felt himself flushing hot, ducking his head. He didn't share this with many people, so he was feeling a little shy about the whole thing.

By the time John got himself a plate, there were various pleased hums floating in from the living room, along with laugher and chatter. Rodney stepped up next to him, bumping his shoulder. "You did great."

John blushed again. "Thanks. I hope they like it. How do you think it turned out?" They wandered toward the living room themselves.

"This is wonderful, John. Just like last time," Elizabeth said, a broad smile on her face. "Are you sure you don't want to start cooking for us full-time?"

He was pretty sure, from the smirking Lorne was doing, that he was never going to live down the color staining his cheeks. "Ahh, it's just a hobby. I'm glad you like it. I have dessert, too, but I can't take credit for it. Theo made something up for me and made me promise not to peek until we're ready to eat it later."

"You must cook more," Radek said, his mouth full of pasta. "Make senior staff much more relaxed."

John smiled a little. "Actually, the mess staff agreed to add some things to the requisitions for me, and I plan to sneak in some real pots and pans, and other non-perishable items. So..."

"Good. We get monthly meals," Radek said, stuffing another mouthful of pasta in.

"Monthly?" John absolutely did not squeak.

"You're thinking more than that?" Parrish asked, his empty plate on the coffee table as he sipped on his wine.

John's eyes widened. "You want…I mean... I'm not that good of a cook... It's just a hobby..."

"Maybe weekly," Lorne said, hiding his smile behind his beer.

Taking a minute to blink at all his smirking friends, he shook his head. "You want me to cook that often, you're going to have to provide some of the ingredients. Johnson would kill me if I raided her pantry that often. I will also accept bribes for specific meals."

"We're just pulling your leg," Elizabeth said, finally taking pity on him. She patted his leg. "This was a great treat."

He smiled, ducking his head a little again. "Thanks. I'm glad you guys liked it. And I will do this again—although I think it will be someone else's turn to host next time."

"You and Rodney are the only ones with this much space," Carson said with his own quiet smile.

John raised an eyebrow and looked over at Lorne, who was trying to look innocent. "We aren't the only ones with a suite..."

"You have the larger one, sir."

Chuckling, John grinned, unrepentant. "Rank does have some privileges."

As some people grabbed seconds, the conversation wandered through all matter of subjects—comfortable and light—laughter often interspersed.

He couldn't remember the last time he had seen this group so relaxed. Glancing over at Rodney, he caught his lover's eye and smiled. After a while he gathered up the dirty plates, dumping them in the sink. "So anyone else want to see what mysterious concoction Theo came up with? I've been dying to check it out since he made me promise not to peek—and you are all my witnesses—I kept my hands off."

Rodney smirked, but held his tongue. John could only guess what snide remark he was holding back.

Mock glaring at him, John cocked his hips a bit to get even, knowing Rodney would appreciate the pull of fabric across his body.

And from the way his eyes dilated, he certainly did.

Smirking, John pulled the covered tray Theo had given him out of the fridge, sliding it on to the counter. He glanced at Elizabeth, who had come in and was standing nearby. "Want to do the honors?"

"No," she said slowly, shaking her head, her mouth twisted a little. "The honor is all yours."

Chuckling again, John pulled the cover off with a flourish. It turned into a genuine smile at what he found there. Little individual ramekins of dessert, and a hand-written note.

_Chocolate raspberry creme brulee. Enjoy!_

_-Theo_

"Oh, wow," Rodney said, hovering over John's shoulder.

"You're telling me." John looked around, grinning. "You guys didn't really want dessert right? I mean, it would be a sacrifice, but Rodney and I can eat all these later..."

"Hand it over." Carson's voice was no-nonsense and demanding.

Laughing, John passed them out, then took a bite of his own. He may have moaned a little—it had been a long time since he had eaten really good creme brulee, and this was excellent.

There was one extra, which John watched Rodney put back in the fridge.

He didn't say a word—they could share it later. "He told me he would have to kill me if he gave me the recipe for this. I might have to take my life into my own hands and beg."

"No," Lorne immediately said. "Don't you dare. I don't want your job."

John laughed again. "Point taken. I'll just have to find something to bribe him with then."

"I didn't hear that," Elizabeth said with a chuckle.

"Hey, since you would be one of the beneficiaries if I can con it out of him, you should be helping me. Maybe you could run interference while Lorne and I sneak in and copy it."

"Is probably memorized," Radek said. "Would need to scan brain."

"Ah well, it was worth a shot at least." John set aside his empty dish—after having scraped every last molecule out. And he noticed he wasn't the only one who did.

"Is it wrong to lick plate?" Radek looked tempted.

"Go right ahead. We won't stop you, but we will tease you about it for the rest of your life." John wiggled his eyebrows at the other man.

The Czech considered it for a long moment before putting it down. "No. Rodney does not need more ammunition."

The all continued to tease each other and laugh, and by the time everyone was starting to look tired, John was pleased with himself. Not once had any serious topics come up, everyone taking the opportunity to relieve a little stress.

Lorne and Parrish said goodnight first, the botanist looking a little droopy as the night wore on. Radek volunteered to walk Elizabeth back to her quarters as soon as she also said she was leaving.

John grinned at the scientist behind her back, silently wishing him luck. He was rooting for the little Czech to make a move. He would be very good for Elizabeth if she would let herself accept affection. Once they were gone, he flopped back onto the couch, joining Ronon, Teyla, Rodney, and Carson in the living room. "And then there were five."

"Aye, but I'll be turning in soon myself. It's been a long two days."

John offered him a smile. "I know. But you've done a good job."

"My staff has, aye."

"So have you." John sat back. He didn't realize he was sprawling—or that it could be considered provocative—until he noticed quick stares from everyone, and slight seat-shifting from Rodney. He didn't move though—he was comfortable. "So I think tonight could be considered a resounding success. I'm glad everyone came."

Rodney blushed and ducked his head. Teyla is the one who replied. "Yes, I do believe this gave everyone the opportunity to rest and regroup among friends."

"We don't do stuff like this often enough. It's too easy to get caught up in the everyday stress." He gave her a slight smile. "Something I learned from the Athosians and other Pegasus natives—you can't let the weight of everything stop you from taking the time to enjoy friends and family and just being alive together."

Teyla bowed her head toward John. "It is good to see you are learning."

"You might have to hit me over the head a few extra times, but I do get it eventually."

She smirked. "That can be arranged." Sitting next to John, Rodney snorted.

"Just don't damage me too much. Then Carson will tsk at me, and Rodney will roll his eyes, and I'd never hear the end of it." John grinned.

"I'll do more than roll my eyes," Rodney grumbled, the words ending with a yawn.

John's grin turned into a fond smile as he shook his head at Rodney. "Still tired? Is your temperature at least holding steady now?"

"Mmm…more or less," he said with a nod. "I can't remember the last time I slept for nearly the entire day without being unconscious."

"You're just catching up I guess, after the last few weeks of not getting a lot. Hopefully tomorrow you'll feel a lot better."

"Aye, you should," Carson said, rising to his feet. "And I need to get going. Still have a few reports I need to finish before I roll into bed."

"Don't work too hard." John rose as well, to walk him to the door.

Ronon and Teyla followed a few steps behind. "And we should let you rest," she said with a smile. "Thank you again for such a lovely evening."

John touched his forehead to hers. "I'm glad I could do this, and as a bonus I got to indulge in my secret hobby. All in all, a good way to pass an evening."

"A hobby which is not so secret any longer."

Straightening, John ducked his head, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well, if you can't share it with friends..."

Teyla smiled. "It was an enjoyable evening."

"And the food was good," Ronon added after getting a look from the Athosian.

John chuckled. "Have you ever met food you didn't like big guy?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "Small rodent on Alfiea. Tough and not big enough."

"I'll keep that in mind. No serving small rodents." Shaking his head, John chuckled again as his team mates headed out the door.

John saw everyone out and then turned back to his lover as the door slid shut. Rodney was smiling lightly, relaxed in the corner of the couch. "That went well. Better than I thought."

"Me, too." Moving closer, John smiled softly. "You look fantastic in that shirt by the way."

Rodney angled his head up so he could actually look at John. "Thanks. I still think you're biased and you're the one who actually purchased the shirt."

Chuckling, John straddled Rodney's legs, which pulled all his own clothes tight to his body. "You look hot in pretty much anything at all. Or nothing at all."

"Well, you know what I prefer."

"Mmm, yes. But sometimes this is nice too. Hints at what's underneath, and I get all the anticipation of what we'll do later."

"Are you still up for later? You've had a busy day and you had a headache before."

"If by later you mean touching and naked cuddling, I don't think I'm ever not up for that." John wiggled his ass against Rodney's thighs.

Rodney's hands slid down John's back, fingers dipping into his waistband. "I never want to assume."

"Assume away." John purred softly. After all the coming he had done today, his body wasn't screaming for release. Rather, he was reveling in just touching, talking, the teasing skim of fingers against his skin. "So you really think it went well, that everyone really liked the food? They weren't just saying it to be nice?"

"You did hear the sounds they were making when they weren't praising your cooking skills, right?"

John gave his lover a shy smile. "I didn't want to presume. They could have just been trying to be nice. It's... a little nerve-wracking, cooking for other people. I always worry."

"You have nothing to worry about—ever."

John had to kiss him sweetly for that. "But if I have to be insecure about something, my cooking is at least pretty harmless, right?"

"I would love it if all you had to do was cook for me. No worrying about whether or nor some angry native was going to maim or kill you. No worries about unpleasant deaths, or losing you in an earthquake, or a culling, or something else."

John smiled widely, brushing their lips together again. "When we retire, you can irritate the science department and I'll cook lavish meals for you. When we aren't romping in bed that is."

"Who said we'd be doing anything other than eating and romping?"

"Well, we will need some time to recover. Otherwise, you know, chafing. While we rest, you can be cranky at the baby geeks, and I'll invent new dishes to smear all over you and lick off."

"As long as I can lick some off of you, too."

"Of course. I'm thinking one day you'll walk in and find chocolate on all the places I really want licked that day. My nipples, the tip of my dick, other random places all over my body."

Rodney smiled, his fingers continuing to caress. "Would certainly be fun."

"Oh yeah. I have vague ideas about coating my dick in chocolate, and then letting you treat it like a lollipop, but I haven't worked out the details yet."

His lover leaned forward, capturing John's mouth in a gentle, lingering kiss.

John hummed, then sat back a little. "Why don't you go get comfortable again while I clean the dishes. I won't be long."

"Should clean off the bed, I guess."

Chuckling, John stood up slowly. "Take your time. I just don't want to wake up to a sink full of dirty dishes that have to be scrubbed."

"Sure you don't want help?"

"Yeah. This way we divide and conquer, which means we get to the naked cuddling part faster."

"Naked cuddling is always good."

With a quiet laugh, John kissed his lover on the nose then sauntered into the kitchen. He had good friends, a man he loved, and a job he wouldn't trade for anything. Life was pretty damn good.

***

Cleaning up the bedroom didn't take that long. It was more annoying than anything else, really. But it also gave him time to think, time to relax, anticipate what was yet to come.

He knew he'd been a beast today. Between feeling like crap and John's really understanding attitude he'd wanted to make it up to his partner. And the sex on the kitchen floor had been pretty good.

But the whole incident with Castrina had thrown him. He'd seen the signs of a man under pressure, about ready to snap, but Kate and Elizabeth had convinced him he'd been imagining it.

And he'd believed them.

Maybe he'd needed to believe them, wanted to, for his own sanity—not that it had done any good at all. Actually, quite the opposite. He had condolence letters to write, new scientists to find that weren't dumb or already on the edge.

There were times that he wondered why he bothered getting up every morning and then he'd roll over and see John and he knew.

John was his reason.

But sometimes—make that lately—it was not enough. He was tired, exhausted from all the bad crap that kept piling up. Between his own feelings of displacement and despair and then John's own doubts, it had nearly been too much.

When he'd woken up in the infirmary after the accident in the labs, he'd been disappointed. He'd known then that something had to give, but knowing and doing were two different things.

He'd only managed to tug off his shoes and socks and put all the clothes he'd scattered across the bed away by the time John walked into the bedroom, dimming the lights in the living room and kitchen as he stepped inside.

His lover's movements were easy, relaxed. the dim lighting just served to highlight his body and the way the clothes hugged him even further. And the smile the lit up John's face when he spotted Rodney and moved closer... "Hey."

"Hey, guess I'm slow tonight."

"Slow isn't bad." John leered a little as he wrapped his arms around Rodney. "Just means I get to undress you, which is always fun."

Rodney let himself relax against John, hands sliding under the back of his shirt. "I think I'd like that," he smiled, leaning in to give John a sweet, gentle kiss.

They stood in the middle of the room and just kissed. It wasn't heated or desperate, just slow and full of everything they were both feeling.

And it was exactly what Rodney wanted and needed—the quiet reassurance of John's love, of their partnership, their promises to each other. He tried to put his apology into the kiss, the touches, needing John to know that he regretted his own dark thoughts as of late.

John just kissed him even more gently, held him a little bit closer, accepting and giving apologies of his own.

Nothing was rushed. Their touches and caresses were gentle and soothing, speaking promises otherwise unuttered. And Rodney let himself fall into them, moaning quietly in pleasure and contentment. Like this, he knew he was safe, loved.

John's hands worked up under his shirt, fingers caressing, pressing gently against the marks and bruises that dotted Rodney's body.

Every touch, every flare of pain quickly turned to pleasure, emphasizing John's ownership of him, his loving domination. John gave him everything he needed and more. John let him soar. He moaned into the kiss, deepening it.

John broke when they were both panting, nibbling his way down the side of Rodney's neck. He tugged at the hem of the shirt and with a quick motion, pulled it up and over Rodney's head.

He panted, whispering John's name and quiet endearments. His searching fingers found skin, sliding against the warmth, shoving the fabric out of the way.

John pulled his own shirt up and off, baring his chest and back for Rodney's exploring fingers, even as he dove back in for another kiss.

"Better," Rodney whispered as soon as they broke to take a breath, tracing patterns on John's skin with hands and fingers. He could feel the muscle beneath the skin, felt it shifting as John caressed him in turn.

John hummed his agreement, busy sucking a new mark onto Rodney's shoulder.

Rodney's fingers eventually slid around to the front of John's pants, working on the top button, but his lover was very distracting.

And then John was sinking to his knees and shifting Rodney to sit on the edge of the bed. But instead of going for Rodney's groin, he started to lick and nip and suck on first one nipple, then the other.

Pleasure rolled through his body, making him tremble and moan. He panted heavily, whispering words that quickly flew away.

When he was done with Rodney's nipples, John's mouth roamed. He pressed kisses and little licks all over Rodney's torso, humming softly as he did.

John shifted up nearly straddling Rodney's legs. His hands were gentle as they wrapped around him—one behind his head, one on his upper back—slowly lowering him to the bed as he kissed Rodney thoroughly. He managed to shift them upwards as well, so Rodney's legs were fully on the bed.

Once Rodney was on his back, John slowly opened Rodney's fly. Instead of just yanking everything off though, he peeled the jeans away slowly, setting them aside. Instead of the boxer going next, however, he just pulled them down enough to use a small key to remove the cage that had cradled Rodney all day. He gave Rodney a bit of a grin, pulling the boxers back into place then started to mouth him to full hardness through the fabric.

"Oh, god, John…" Rodney panted, hands fisted in the top blanket of the bed as his erection quickly grew, tenting his boxers. This slow seduction was tearing him to pieces.

More humming—now focused on the very tip of his erection—was the only response.

Rodney whimpered, his entire being focused on that one spot where John's mouth touched his cock.

His lover kept up the light, teasing suction until Rodney was leaking so hard, that between the pre-come and John's mouth the front of his boxers were soaked.

It was an exquisite torture—John's warm mouth and the cooling damp fabric, rubbing against him in all the right ways. Without a ring or the cage he felt even more naked—even with half of his clothes still on.

Pulling back, John surprised him by blowing softly, keeping it up until Rodney was squirming and moaning with pleasure.

"John, please," he begged, desperately trying to hold back.

"I'm no where near done yet." John's voice was husky, rough with arousal. "But if you need some help, I can get the ring."

"Yes, please…don't…don't want to…come…too soon."

John kissed the tip of Rodney's arousal, then stood. As he walked across the room to get the Ancient ring out of the toy drawer, the bulge in his jeans was very prominent.

Rodney's mouth watered just looking at it, wanting to taste, to feel the weight against his tongue.

John paused to sweep Rodney with his eyes before returning to the bed. "You look so fucking beautiful like this. Debauched. Mine."

Rodney's hand wrapped around John's arm, tugging him forward a little. "Need you."

John made a happy noise, allowing himself to be pulled forward. His hand dipped into Rodney's boxers, and a moment later he felt the tight pressure, followed by a low buzz, of John claiming Rodney's dick.

Moaning, Rodney's eyes closed as he arched into the sensation, his body shuddering as his arousal grew, held back by the ring. Now he could let go, knowing he wouldn't come before John wanted him to. He could just feel.

Hands swept up and down his body, both ramping him up further, and grounding him at the same time.

He was muttering and moaning, giving himself up to John's talented hands and mouth and the gentle seduction of tonight's love making. And that's really what it was. They were expressing their love and trust in each other, for each other.

He hadn't heard John finish getting undressed, but suddenly there was a cock, slick and tasty, rubbing against his lips, requesting entrance.

Without hesitation, he opened wide, letting John slide inside. It was perfect. The pre-come was bitter and musky and all John. He started sucking as soon as he felt John settle into place, knees on either side of his head.

Even this wasn't rushed. John moved slowly, letting his erection drag against Rodney's tongue, in and out.

Rodney was soaring. The plug was heavy in his ass, John's cock heavy in his mouth. He was pinned to the bed with John's weight and loving every single touch and caress. He wanted John to feel good, wanted him to fly.

Before he came, John gently pulled his cock away, replacing it with his thumb when Rodney tried to chase it with a whimper. "I want to come buried inside you, with you coming all around me."

He whimpered again, but subsided at a simple look from John.

"I'll get you there. And maybe tomorrow I'll let you lick and suck me to your heart's content."

Rodney nodded as much as he could with John's thumb placed firmly in his mouth.

That got him a warm smile. John shifted, wiggling down Rodney's body which meant he had to pull his thumb free.

"Please, John," he whispered, his lover pausing, glancing up his body.

"I'll get you there. Just relax." John hooked a hand under one of Rodney's legs, pushing it up toward his chest.

Rodney moaned as John bent him, arranging him as he needed, his boxers stretching across his ass.

John pulled the fabric aside to reveal the plug, then slowly removed it. Rodney's erection was still surrounded by fabric and god, it was almost like it was in a new kind of bondage.

He could feel John's trapped come leaking out of his ass, soaking into his boxers.

"How flexible are you feeling tonight?"

Flexible? Oh god. "I…I don't know."

John eyed him for a moment, then nodded to himself. He pulled Rodney's feet back down and got rid of the boxers. Then he returned to the toy drawer, returning a moment later with four cuffs, which went on Rodney's wrists and ankles.

Each was locked into place, the leather warming to Rodney's skin. "John…oh god…" he panted, "…anything…anything you want…"

His lover hummed, helping Rodney scoot further up the bed. He messed with the straps for a moment, first securing Rodney's wrists above his head.

Tugging at the restraints, Rodney moaned, feeling a little more of his worry, his doubt, slip away. John would take care of him.

"If this pulls funny or doesn't feel right, tell me." And then John did something new. Instead of securing Rodney's legs down to the bed, he pushed them up again, attached two straps running from the headboard to the ankle cuffs. Holding Rodney's legs up and spread wide open.

"Oh…" Rodney said, eyes widening as his body relaxed into the position. John shifted him again, putting a pillow under his ass.

When he shifted a little, he found he couldn't lower his legs or close them together at all. If he relaxed into it, the cuffs supported the weight of his legs though. John stroked Rodney's erection a few times, looking at him closely. "Okay?"

Rodney was silent for a long moment, letting his muscles relax. It took him that long to figure out what he needed. "Tighter…you can spread me more…make it tighter."

John made a pleased noise, and did it, tightening the straps holding both his arms and legs. He rubbed at Rodney's ankles and feet a bit. "Let me know if it starts to get uncomfortable, or if anything starts getting that pins and needles feeling."

"It's…good," he whispered, tugging at the restraints.

"All kinds of possibilities now..." John's hands roamed, until they finally dipped down, probing Rodney's exposed entrance.

Rodney moaned, shifting slightly, his movements severely limited. Oh god. So open.

"So perfect..." John whispered praises softly as he worked his way inside.

John was slow and careful, touching him deeply inside. Every touch was a caress, fingers sliding in a place so intimate, so private.

With skill born of practice, he found Rodney's prostate easily, and started to massage it, rubbing against it over and over and over.

Rodney moaned, his body shuddering as his arousal grew. But John kept stroking the small gland deep inside, pulling out deeper groans and whimpers until Rodney finally let go, keening with every caress.

"There we go. Fly for me, Rodney. Touch the clouds."

"Please…" he begged, trembling continually now, his cock red and leaking. "John, please…"

John swallowed him down, sucking hard as he continued to press against Rodney's prostate.

Rodney's breath caught in his throat for a long moment before the sobbing keen began. He had nowhere to go, no place to turn. He had to take it, had to trust John even though he didn't think he could hang on any longer, didn't know if he could take one second more.

And John didn't let up. Pushing him harder and harder, farther and farther.

He was shaking, sobbing, and whimpering, lost in sensation. Sweat had broken out all over his body, but John wasn't stopping. Rodney didn't want to call out a safe word, but he was so close.

Pulling off his cock, John rested his head against one of Rodney's thighs, his fingers stilling deep inside. "Shhh. It's okay. Breathe for me. Let me know when you're ready to keep going."

"John," he sobbed, only able to get the one word out. His safe word was still locked away deep inside, but John had known.

"I know. I want you to take it though, Rodney. I'll let you come soon, but not yet. But for right now, take whatever time you need. I won't move until you're ready for it."

"Too much."

John nodded, his stubble rasping against Rodney's inner leg. "Let go. Stop thinking and just feel. Let me make you feel good."

"I…I can't."

John's fingers slipped free, making Rodney whimper. He settled so their groins were pressed together, his arms on either side of Rodney's body, taking most of his weight. He started to brush soft kisses over Rodney's lips. "You can. I know you can do it. You've taken this and more for me before. Tell me what you need to help you fall, and it's yours."

"I don't know. Please, John…" Rodney begged.

John kissed him again, softly. "I'm going to fuck you now, and you can come when I'm inside you."

But that made Rodney whimper even louder. He'd let John down.

"Hey, hey." John's hands on his body were soothing. "You're doing so good, Rodney. So beautiful."

"I can't…don't want to…"

"Don't want to what?" John was so understanding, only concern and love in his face, nothing else.

"Let you down."

"No, not at all. God, you're so perfect. I love you Rodney. You haven't let me down at all."

"But I did…you stopped."

"I stopped because I can read your body, buddy." John smiled gently. "I can tell when I'm pushing you to your limits. I'm not trying to break you. Push you, yes, but never break you."

"I’m sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about." John had gotten the lube at some point, and he slicked himself, sinking into Rodney with one long, slow thrust. "Oh, god. You're so perfect. Home. You're home."

"John…oh…" Rodney moaned, loving the feel of John pressing in deep, but also knowing that he'd let John down.

His lover stilled once he was all the way in. "Tell me when you're ready. Going to fuck you until you're begging again."

"Don't…don't deserve…" He shook his head, letting his words trail off.

John licked almost delicately at the corners of Rodney's mouth. "Yes, you do. I'm your top, Rodney. Your dom, your master. You know I'll never lie to you, or break a promise, good or bad. And I promise you, you've done nothing wrong. I'm not angry, or disappointed. And you deserve everything. The city, the universe, me. Everything."

Rodney simply nodded, unable get anything past the lump in his throat.

John nuzzled at his throat, pressing kisses to Rodney's racing pulse. And then his hips started to move, slow at first, letting Rodney adjust.

John managed to hit Rodney's prostate on the first pass, sending sparks through his body. He moaned, tugging at the restraints holding him in place.

"Love you so much." John whispered endearments into Rodney's skin as he sped up, claiming Rodney, body and soul.

When John thrust in deep, Rodney swore he could feel John's cock in the back of his throat.

John's breathing was getting harder. The patch of skin he had been kissing, he was now just panting wetly against. "Getting close. So close. Come whenever you want to..." The ring didn't come off, but it did loosen enough to let Rodney seek release.

It took several more thrusts before Rodney felt his climax cresting over the edge, shaking and shuddering through his body. His cock pulsed between him, coating their stomachs.

It was enough to push John over the edge, too. A few thrusts later and Rodney felt liquid heat filling him.

His body relaxed into the restraints, the cuffs and tethers the only thing keeping his legs in place. He was still panting, his heart slowing gradually.

John was heavy against him for several more minutes, then his lover shifted, not pulling out. He carefully unhooked Rodney's legs, lowering them slowly to the bed before settling on top of him again.

Rodney's muscles protested the change, feeling stretched and pulled, worked hard. He groaned quietly.

"You okay?"

"Muscles sore."

"Did you like it, being held like that?"

Rodney nodded. "A lot. I’m sorry I couldn't—"

"Shhh. There was nothing I wanted that you didn't give me."

"You wanted more but it was too much. I just couldn't…"

John pushed himself up on his elbows, looking down. "Hey. You did fine. This was something new, and you liked it right? Was it too much because it felt too good, or too much because it hurt?"

Rodney nodded again. "So intense."

John smiled. "We'll try it again, then. Maybe next time I'll make sure you're deeper in headspace first though. But I'm not disappointed. I like playing with you, and we both feel good and relaxed, and we're here together. Nothing to be disappointed about."

"I like it when you play."

"I like to play." John nipped playfully at Rodney's shoulder.

Rodney squirmed under John, his bound hands and John's weight keeping him in place.

John chuckled, resting his head again. Rodney felt him yawn. "Want me to unhook you to sleep, or want to stay bound? Either way, I'll move in a minute so I'm not crushing you."

"Can you…secure my feet, too?"

John smiled. "So bound it is." He sat up and slowly pulled out, making them both groan. He padded to the bathroom, and came back clean, with a towel to clean Rodney up before attaching his feet to the straps on the foot board, and tightening everything down. "Good?"

Rodney let out a long, shaky breath and nodded. "Yeah…really good."

John fit himself along Rodney's side, throwing an arm and a leg across his body.

The weight of John's limbs was reassuring, comforting, just like the restraints. Tonight, though, he needed a little something else. "John?"

"Mmm?" His lover moved his head, looking up at Rodney without lifting it.

"Can you just…touch me for a little while?" Rodney felt his cheeks reddening a little, hating the feeling of need he got from time to time.

The hand slung across him started to make slow circles on his chest. "Like this, or more?"

Rodney nodded, the lump in his throat and the tightness in his chest easing a little. "Yeah, like that and a little more if you don't mind."

Lips pressed into his skin, and John's fingers roamed. The pad of his thumb twirled nipples, he lightly caressed Rodney's softened cock, he drew circles and patterns on everything he could reach.

Letting out another long, shuddering breath, Rodney let himself relax into John's touch. They felt so good, so right.

His lover nuzzled against Rodney's neck. "Better?"

"Yeah," Rodney hummed, turning his head toward John. "Tighten…tighten the ring?"

The ring immediately gripped Rodney a little harder, settling snug on his cock.

"Mmm…yeah," he groaned quietly, arching up a little.

John chuckled softly, as he idly played with one of Rodney's nipple rings. "Relaxed now?"

"Feel good," he replied, his cock beginning to harden once again.

"Mmm. I forget you haven't come as much as me today." John sat back up, getting a firm grip around Rodney's growing erection and beginning to stroke it slowly.

"Oh…so good," he moaned. "Leaking…want to be…leaking for you."

"Don't think that will be a problem." John worked him slowly, steadily.

He felt John shift his weight on the bed next to him and then John's other hand was touching his chest, playing with the nipple rings, tugging and caressing in time with his strokes. Rodney's arousal grew quickly, leaving him panting and hard and feeling so alive in John's hands.

"The question now is: do I let you come, or do I let you stay like this for a while?"

"More?" Rodney panted, squirming a little, tugging at his bound limbs.

John just kept playing with him.

Between his moans and groans, Rodney had begun begging for more, wanting to feel the intense sensations from earlier.

John paused mid-stroke several minutes later, his breath ghosting over Rodney's skin. "What do you need?"

"More…please," he begged, trying to arch up into John's hands.

"More what?"

Rodney shook his head from side to side, a small whimper escaping from his throat.

"You have to tell me or else you're not getting anything more."

"Please, John."

"Blindfold?"

Rodney nodded.

"Gag?"

Another nod.

John paused, his hand stroking Rodney again, but much lighter. "Earplugs?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay. I'll use the blindfold and earplugs, but I don't want to gag you tonight." Before Rodney could whimper in protest, John continued, his voice strong. "I can leave you like this, if you'd like. You're going to get some more things for tonight, but it's on my terms, Rodney, not yours." John squeezed Rodney's cock a little tighter until Rodney nodded once again.

"Good." Then John was gone, rolling off the bed to the toy drawer and pulling out the two items he said he'd allow, returning moments later. "These are the last bondage things you're getting tonight and we are going to go to sleep. Do you understand?"

"Yes, John," he whispered, looking up at his lover with wide-open eyes.

"Good." John's hands were gentle as he turned his head, carefully putting in the earplugs first, the sound quickly settling into silence and the loud sounds of his own breathing. John pet him once they were in, running fingers through Rodney's hair. A soft smile was the last thing he saw before the blindfold was added, secured in place behind his head.

Rodney moaned. Perfect, so perfect. He felt his lover shifting once again, his hands and mouth running over his body, pushing him back into sensation. He arched into his lover's hands as much as the bonds would allow, feeling his mind finally letting go. He was whimpering by the time John stopped, soft kisses placed on his neck and jaw. With a last deep kiss, Rodney felt John still beside him—leg thrown over his, a hand holding his cock securely, John's head on his shoulder.

Safe. He was safe. He was John's.

Rodney slowly felt his body sliding into slumber and he didn't fight it, knowing John would take care of everything.

After slow, lazy morning sex—in bed and in the shower—John and Rodney headed out to their respective duties. Rodney, though, made a detour through the mess to grab more coffee and one of those really fantastic cinnamon coffeecake muffins he'd spotted in another scientist's hands.

It wasn't until he was secluded in his own lab that he finally made the call. "McKay to Heightmeyer."

"This is Kate. What can I do for you Doctor McKay?"

"Do you have any open slots for today?"

There was a startled pause. "Always. I'm free now until John comes in for his appointment in about an hour. And then I'm free this afternoon after lunch from 1330 until 1530."

"Can you schedule me for that 1330 slot?"

"Done. My door will be open, and I'll have a pot of coffee waiting for you."

"Good…ah, thanks."

"Not a problem at all." Her voice was warm. "I'll see you this afternoon."

After signing off his radio, he got to work, throwing himself into reports and research projects only emerging some five hours later for lunch with John. He spotted his lover as soon as he stepped into the mess, sitting in the back at their table, two trays before him. Making his way through the crowd, he slid into the seat across from him, settling down carefully. He was a tad bit sore this morning, but it felt good.

Pushing one of the trays across, John smiled. "Hi, there. Getting a lot done today?"

Rodney nodded, picking up his fork. "More than I thought I would. You?"

"Quite a bit actually. Most of the people affected by the toxin yesterday are pretty much back to full speed today, but I've got my people keeping an eye on things. Also been going through the mission lists. Assuming Kate signs off on me putting myself back on full active duty, we'll be back to two first-contact teams again, and we can shift the work load back to something more manageable."

"That will be good," Rodney said, digging into his lunch. He had about forty-five minutes to sit and eat and enjoy John's company before his appointment and he was going to try to do just that. "There are so many things that have to get done and going out so often was making it difficult."

"I know. And it was trickling down to just about every other part of the city. Me being out of action threw the team assignments out of whack, and that in turn mucked up the schedules of the science department—not only those of you who are on effected teams, but also everyone else who was trying to compensate." John made a face. "Who knew one guy being on stand-down would have that much of an impact?"

Rodney shrugged. "You're important."

His lover rubbed the back of his neck. "Maybe."

"Of course you are," Rodney said, rolling his eyes. "Eat. You're too thin as is."

John snorted, but did take a bite of his meal, chewing almost absently. "You think I'm too skinny?"

"I don't want to be the only one eating."

"I'm eating." John held up a bite to demonstrate.

"Good. Keep going. You're doing well."

John rolled his eyes. "I don't skip that many meals."

"Maybe," he said, taking another bite. "Your appointment went okay?"

"I had to cancel today." John sighed. "Which irritated Kate, but there was no help for it. I was up to my eyeballs in trying to coordinate everything. Until she tells me otherwise, I've resumed full command of the base, which means I can't run off in the middle of things. I'll go in first thing tomorrow morning, and hopefully get the official sign-off."

"Oh. Okay."

"Lorne's done a good job, but he was overwhelmed too. So there's a lot of stuff that got shunted off to the side. I'm trying to get us caught up before I resume missions."

"Sounds good. I think I saw our mission was rescheduled for the day after tomorrow."

John nodded, pushing food around his plate absently. "Yeah. I'll keep you posted on what the roster will be."

"The last email I saw was from Lorne."

"I haven't sent anything around yet. I want to get the official sign-off first, otherwise it will just be mass confusion."

"Do you really think Kate will sign off on you tomorrow?"

John shrugged. "I hope so. I plan to do my best to convince her that I'm a hell of a lot better."

Rodney nodded, turning back to his half-eaten plate of food, his stomach churning a little.

Under the table, a foot rubbed against his inner leg. "I am better. A lot."

"I know you are. You sound it."

"I feel it. I don't feel like I'm hanging on to my control by a thread anymore." John smiled, his body loose, relaxed.

"And that's a good thing," he said, finally letting his fork drop to the plate, picking up his water instead.

John watched him for a moment, then changed the subject, obviously sensing something, but unwilling to push it in the public mess hall. "Elizabeth has the paperwork done for us to brief the IOA and take leave after. She's trying for three weeks from now, since a lot of schedules will have to be lined up, and people flown in. If it's approved, the plan is to spend four days of intensive briefings, then we'll have ten days of leave, for a total of two weeks on Earth."

Rodney nodded, doing the math in his head. "Five weeks away from Atlantis."

"Yeah. But that's unavoidable, unfortunately. They'll open a wormhole from this end to check in and transmit anything we need to be looking at or working on just before we break orbit to head back. So we can use the three-week commute to catch up. And once we're within communications range, they'll do a second upload. So while we'll be away from the city, hopefully we won't fall behind on anything important."

"Hopefully," Rodney chuckled, checking the time on his watch. Thirty minutes.

John nodded. "I'm also sending through a personal e-mail to Peter, see if he has any suggestions on hot vacation destinations."

"He should know some place we can go. I don't think I even care where it is."

John grinned. "Me neither. And I'm sure even if he doesn't, Roger will. I asked him to pass along the request if he didn't have any suggestions. Which reminds me—I'd like to send something to both Peter and Harry, and Roger and Sue. I know I can't bring anything back from here. If you think of anything we can get for them when we get back and ship, let me know. I miss Amazon.com."

Rodney nodded. "I'll think about it. Right now only things not found on Amazon come to mind."

"Which is fine, too. As long as they ship, I don't care. I just, they've done a lot for me and you the last few times we were there. I'd like to do something nice for them."

"I'll think about it," he said, checking his watch again.

"Thanks." John paused. "In a hurry?"

"No," Rodney said shaking his head. "I ah…I have to be at Kate's soon."

John blinked, then smiled slowly. He rubbed Rodney's inner leg again. "Good. When you need to go, just leave your tray. I'll dump it for you."

"I'm…nervous and I don't want to be late."

"Don't be nervous. She doesn't bite. Just listen, and talk to her. You'll do just fine. If you want to track me down when you're done, you can, or we can meet for dinner tonight."

Rodney nodded. "We'll see how it goes, I guess."

"You'll do fine." John smiled again.

"I’m not fine, that's why I'm going."

His lover nodded. "Maybe. But you will be. And anything you need, from me or otherwise, it's yours."

"I know," he said quietly with another glance at his watch. This was ridiculous. He should go. He'd just be early.

John seemed to read his mind, chuckling. "Just go. She makes good coffee. You can have a cup if you have to wait."

Rodney glanced up. "Walk with me?"

John nodded, rising. He grabbed both trays, dumping them as they walked out the door.

They walked in companionable silence to Kate's office, stopping once they reached the door. "Here goes nothing, I guess."

John glanced up and down the hall—there was no one in sight. He stepped close, and brushed his lips across Rodney's. "It will be okay. I promise."

"I'll see you later," Rodney said, pulling away, putting the right amount of distance between them. Kate's office wasn't exactly Grand Central Station, but it wasn't out of the way, either.

John reached out to run a finger along Rodney's cheek, then let his arm drop. "I'll see you later."

Rodney nodded, watching as John walked away. Steeling himself, he took a breath and waved his hand over the door chime, hearing Kate's "come in" a moment later.

She was sitting in one of the large couches. As he entered, she stood, smiling warmly. "Rodney, welcome. Would you like some coffee before we get started?"

"Coffee, yes. Coffee would be good," he said, wringing his hands a little as he aimed for the chair across from her.

She went to a side table and prepared a large mug, handing it over to him as he squirmed around the chair. She settled easily across from him. "Relax, I promise not to bite."

"Hmph," Rodney snorted. "That might be fun under other circumstances."

Her laugh was quiet. "I think John might have something to say about that. I'll leave the biting to him."

"Well, yes, that's besides the point," he said, his eyes drifting back down to his mug.

She sipped her coffee, and he could feel her eyes on him. But she didn't say anything, letting him take his time to tell her why he was here.

Taking a deep breath, he glanced up quickly, confirming her attention. He'd called the session. He could do this, admit that he had a problem, that he needed help.

"I…Castrina wasn't the only one on Atlantis who had thoughts of suicide. I…I have and I think I need to do something before my genius brain comes up with some way to follow through on it."

She was quiet for a long moment. "It's a very common problem in a situation like this, but coming here, admitting you need help, is the biggest step to fixing it you can take. If you're willing to trust me, and work with me, I can give you that help."

"I…yes," he nodded. "I can't go on feeling like this."

"You don't have to. Why don't we start there? Tell me what you've been feeling, and what you think about when it happens."

Rodney nodded again, finally raising his eyes again. "And just so you know, John…John knows."

"That doesn't surprise me, given your relationship. And I think that's a very good thing. You both have the built-in support that's crucial when you start to have these types of feelings."

"I only told him last night."

"When doesn't matter." Her expression was gentle. "There's nothing to be ashamed about, Rodney. Everyone has a breaking point, and we're in another galaxy, in the middle of a war with a very frightening alien race. Those breaking points are reached faster, and sometimes we either don't realize what's happening at first, or it happens so fast you can't stop it. How long, when you find someone to talk to—none of that matters. All that counts is that you came for help before it went too far."

Taking a deep breath, Rodney started talking and Kate listened, and maybe, just maybe, Rodney started feeling a little better.

***

John took the long way to Kate's for his—hopefully last—appointment, lost in thought.  

He had noticed the difference in Rodney last night and this morning. Less…haunted. It would take a while, a few weeks probably, but his lover was on the right path. John had vague ideas that maybe their vacation could also be a celebration of both of them getting through a rather dark time.    

They had had another very intense, very sweet night and morning of love, leaving John feeling relaxed, happy. He was better now, he knew it. He just hoped Kate saw it, too, since the base needed him too much to go back on the grounded list again.

After walking Rodney to the labs, he took the time to wander through the maze of rooms that made up the science department. One section merged carefully into the next, Rodney's organization of the department breathtakingly beautiful in its own way.

As he walked, he prepared defenses for every excuse she might throw at him for not being back on full duty. It was time for him to be the military commander and team leader again, not the half-broken ghost he had been for the last few weeks.

_What are you worrying about?_

John froze. He spun around slowly, one hand on his gun, although he hadn't pulled it out of the holster yet. There was no one else in the lab, so he had either gone crazier than he thought, or Atlantis was fucking with him. Again.

_Rodney said you were trigger happy._

If anything, that just made him stiffen further. Very few people referred to Rodney by his first name only, and even fewer would mention him so casually. "Who's there?"

_Got you worried, do I?_

John scanned the room. He had wandered into the zoology labs, so cages of mice and other small animals were scattered around. Quite a few dead things John didn't want to look too closely at. A perch with the weird bird Rodney had brought back with him from the last mission they had been on together—

John heard a light chuckle before the red bird flew closer to John, settling on the small workstation. _You're jumpy._

"Oh my god. It's you." John stared at the bird.

If a bird could roll his eyes, this one was. Damn. He'd spent way too long with Rodney in that pirate ship. _Get over yourself._

John closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose. Okay, Rodney had insisted, even later, that the bird had helped him, had talked to him. John had written it off to stress and fear, but frankly they had encountered far weirder stuff than talking birds. Even Earth had those, even if they weren't as... eloquent about it. He could deal with this.

_You know I should be annoyed. You never came to visit. Even Rodney stopped by to say hi._

Cracking an eye, John looked at the bird. What the hell. "Sorry. I've been a little... preoccupied with a few things lately. But you're right, I should have stopped by to at least say hello."

_Yes, you should have. At least they've stopped poking and prodding me. Can't say the same for you, eh?_

Letting his hand drop, John shrugged. "Not so much, no. I'm on my way to another dose of it as we speak."

_Why go? You obviously don't want to._

"Because it's the only way I can get cleared for duty again. I retook my command in a crisis, but if I don't want to be bumped right back down to partial again, I have to play by the rules."

_The rules are stupid._

"Some of them, yes. But then, talking to a partially telepathic bird would be called stupid in some circles. So we probably don't have a leg to stand on here."

_I am perfectly capable of carrying on a conversation. Probably more capable than most here._

"That wasn't the point." John sighed. "So…ah, other than the poking and prodding, which is pretty standard for all of us, how have they been treating you?"

 _What do you mean that's not the point?_ Of course the bird wasn't going to make any conversation easy was he? Why did he have to take on some of Rodney's more…annoying characteristics?

"You can only talk to people with the ATA gene, right?" John thought he remembered Rodney mentioning something along those lines.

_A disturbingly small number._

Thinking about his perpetual light-switch duty, John nodded in sympathy. "Exactly. Well, my shrink is one of the ones without it. So if she walked in here and saw me talking to you—unable to hear half the conversation—she would pull me from even the light duty I've been allowed to do. I'd be certified as crazy."

It wasn't possible for a bird to shake his head, but John got the distinct impression that he was. That was odd. _She knows. I talked to Carson and her._

John resisted the urge to close his eyes again. "Right. Sorry. Didn't know about that. Anyway... What were we talking about?"

John made a slight face. "Actually, I'm curious—does the strength of the gene make a difference in how easy it is for you to converse with someone?"

This time John got the vague impression of a shrug. _I can talk to Rodney easily. And Evan. And Carson. And others._

So pretty much all of the major carriers had been down here except John. Just great. One more thing to feel guilty about. "I'll try to get down here again. More often."

_Yeah, you should feel guilty. You invite me over and then ignore me._

"I didn't ignore you. Not on purpose at any rate. I've just been a little preoccupied with, you know, fixing myself."

_That's no excuse and besides, what's there to fix?_

"A lot."

The bird snorted. _How would you like it if everyone you talked to either ignored you or freaked out?_

"To be fair, you're a little outside our usual experiences. But I'm willing to bet that once people got over the initial shock, they didn't freak out."

_You just did._

"Yeah, but I didn't actually think you could talk. I wrote off the first time as induced by adrenaline, fear, and the fact that at the time I really was losing my mind. I'm not freaking out now though."

_You were five minutes ago._

"You're worse than Rodney. Are you only listening to the last sentence I say?"

_Rodney's a genius._

John suspected that while the bird wasn't a figment of a mind gone crazy, the damn thing might well have been sent to ensure John took the plunge over the edge of sanity. "I'm not debating that. Look... as entertaining as this is, I have to go argue that I'm sane enough to resume permanent command of my base. This conversation? Is not helping."

_Why not?_

"Because."

_That's not an answer._

"Every time I give you an answer, you ignore it and move on to something else. I was trying to save myself the time."

_So you think you're crazy. Most do at some point._

"No. I think I was starting to go crazy. Now I think I'm a lot better, but I have to convince the person who has the ultimate authority over clearing me for duty of that."

_What's the difference between starting to go crazy and being crazy?_

Since this conversation didn't seem like it would end any time soon, John snagged a stool from nearby and sat down. "I don't think it's anything that can be defined absolutely. It's different for everyone, that breaking point where you know you're at the limit of what you can handle, and anything else will just be too much."

_You've handled worse than a few space pirates with bad habits._

"Yes." John licked his lips, glancing down. "I have. Much worse. But for me... that was my breaking point. It had been building for a while, and that put me over the edge. Pushed me to do things that were out of character and out of proportion to the situation."

The bird mentally shrugged again. _Maybe. They weren't exactly upstanding citizens._

"No, but be that as it may... I overreacted and put my team in danger because of it. I took care of the problem, so now I want to be back in the field. I just have to convince everyone else of that."

_So you got angry and over-reacted, or think you did._

"I did. And while that's fine for ordinary people, to occasionally let anger get the better of them, when I'm in the field and people are relying on me to get them home safe, I don't have that luxury. I have to keep it under control until I'm out of the action and no lives are on the line."

_So now you're magically better._

John shook his head. "No. I've worked for weeks with Kate to get better."

_And it took an explosion to get you up off your ass._

One of John's eyebrows went all the way up. "Excuse me?"

The bird fluttered closer, cocking its head to the side. _It took an explosion in the science labs—right down the hall from my home—for you to actually get up and do something that didn't involve feeling sorry for yourself._

Narrowing his eyes, John scowled. "No. It's not… Look, obviously you've been talking to someone, but that's not how it was. I wasn't going to put my team at risk because I was unpredictable in the field. That's how people die."

_No, you weren't. You just thought you were. Besides, you're loud._

"Loud?" The apparent non-sequitor threw him.

The bird fluttered its wings, hovering in the air for a brief moment. John could feel its frustration. _You. Rodney says it's rude to eavesdrop, but you're loud._

He blinked. "I'm..." Suddenly his eyes went wide. "Fuck. You can hear my thoughts from further away than anyone else, can't you? Because my gene is stronger."

 _You're really not crazy,_ he said quietly.

John shook himself slightly. The rapid subject changes were starting to throw him. "I know I'm not. I never really thought I was crazy, per se. Just... out of control."

_Not that either, really. Your thoughts are too orderly._

"Comes from being in the military." He shrugged.

_If you were…crazy or broken your thoughts would be, too._

"Maybe. But then... I was more out of control than I was comfortable with. For some people it might not seem unusual, but for me... it wasn't pleasant."

_I could tell. I tried to tell you that you were okay, but you didn't listen._

John thought about the almost dream-like voices telling him he was an idiot. He thought he had just had a bit of an overactive inner monologue. Now he looked hard at the bird. "I've been debating this with you for weeks, haven't I?"

_You don't listen very well._

"I was trying to ignore you, since at the time I thought you were a voice in my head, and that's usually a sign of impending madness."

The bird huffed at him. _Obviously not. You don't listen very well._

"I'm listening now." He said it quietly, staring off into space a bit. "I know I'm not crazy. I do. I was just... my emotions were in control, and a team leader in the field can't afford that luxury."

_But you were in control. You knew exactly what you were doing. You'd planned it._

John wasn't sure how to explain it. "Do you pick up just thoughts, or do you get… emotions, feelings, that sort of thing along with them? It would be easier just to show you if it's possible."

_I've seen it already. You've gone over it enough times._

"Then you know it's... It's not a loss of control, precisely. It was more of a, a different part of me taking control, one that can't when I'm in the field. One that it's in everyone's best interest for me to keep buried as deeply as possible most of the time."

_Why? You did what needed to get done. Your actions made it possible for you to get back to Atlantis and bring back help for Rodney._

"That part wasn't the problem. Torturing someone—and enjoying it—was."

_So that's what the guilt is about._

Sighing, John nodded. "Yes. That's what the guilt is for. Doing my job I make no apologies for. But losing control on a personal level, that's inexcusable. And dangerous. It made me a risk; if I did it once, without addressing and dealing with the issue, there was nothing stopping it from happening again. And you said yourself—we've seen a lot worse. Next time, would it have been someone looking at me funny that set it off? No, taking the time to deal with the problem and fix it was necessary."

_But did you really?_

"I dealt with a lot of issues. Most of them repressed." John shrugged again. "I don't feel so on edge anymore, but again, this isn't something that can be definitely quantified. It's feelings and emotions, neither of which I excel at."

 _No kidding,_ the bird snorted.

Rolling his eyes, John stretched a little. "Now that we've dissected me—yet again—I should probably go to my actual psych eval."

The bird fluttered its wings again, perching on top of the nearby computer. _Rodney doesn't talk to me anymore._

John sighed. "He's been... having a rough couple of weeks, too. I don't think he's forgotten about you, he's just struggling to hold himself together."

_He yelled at me._

"He does that. He yells at me all the time."

_This was…different. He's too sad. His mind's been dark._

"I know." John thought about his lover, about how much he was struggling. "We're working on it. He's getting help."

_He won't let me in anymore._

"He will. He finally acknowledged that he needed help, and took the first steps to getting it. Having friends and people who care about him and support him will make it easier along the way."

 _I can't even feel him anymore._ The bird sounded heartsick.

John ached a little for him. He knew what it felt like to love Rodney and be shut out. Reaching out carefully, he ran a hand over the bird's crest. "I'm sorry. He isn't trying to hurt you or shut you out of purpose. He's just... hurting. I'm doing what I can to help him, and I'll make sure he knows you miss him."

_He stopped listening weeks ago._

"He's been trying to hide how much he was struggling for weeks now. He's in the lab now—want me to take you up to him?"

The bird flew up to his shoulder, perching there.

Smiling a little, John stood carefully, so as not to jostle his new friend. "So, I can't just keep calling you 'bird'. Do you have a name?"

_No, there was no real use for one since no one usually talked to me. Rodney used to call me Tweety, but the name doesn't match the picture I see in his head._

John laughed softly as he made his way back in the direction he had originally come from. "Tweety is a character in a cartoon on the planet we come from. Little yellow bird who always wins against his arch nemesis, a cat who wants to eat him."

_But I'm not yellow._

"We can pick a different name for you if you don't like it. But it was a compliment in a weird way. Rodney named you after the most kick-butt bird he could think of."

_Are you sure he's in the lab?_

"That's where he was when I left him a few minutes ago. I had just dropped him off before I ran into you. Why?"

The bird shifted on John's shoulder, shivering a little. _I still can't feel him._

Reaching up, John ran his fingers through the soft feathers again, trying to offer some comfort. "Amazing how it doesn't take much to get you hooked on him, huh? And if he goes away, you feel like an addict deprived of the things you need to survive." John thought about his own brushes with it, and shivered a little himself. He couldn't do that again.

_But even when you were ignoring me I could still feel you. It feels like Bill all over again._

"Bill?"

John stopped, closing his eyes and forcing the thrill of terror that crept up his spine back down. "He...admitted he was having thoughts along those lines. But unlike Castrina, Rodney asked for help. It won't end that way."

_But why can't I feel him?_

"I don't know," John admitted. He was in the labs a minute later, looking around for his lover.

He spotted Zelenka hunched over his workstation, fingers tapping on the keyboard.

"Hey, Radek, where did Rodney disappear to? I thought he would still be here."

The Czech glanced up, adjusting his glasses before patting his hair into place. He didn't even blink when he saw the bird on John's shoulder. "He muttered something and left. Did not say where he was going. Stayed…three minutes. I timed him. Longest has been one hour six minutes and three seconds."

John refused to worry. Yet. Instead, he tapped on his radio. "Sheppard to McKay."

Elizabeth answered the page. "John? Rodney just asked to go off radio for a little while. Is there a problem?"

"Did he say where he was going to be?"

"No. I assumed you knew about it."

"I thought he was in the labs, but I'm here now, and he's not. I'll track him down. Thanks. Sheppard out." Still not going to panic. John fell back on Plan B, opening his connection to the city a little wider, using the tags he had taught her to try and find his lover.

It took all of two seconds and the city pinged him—in their quarters.

Without a word to Zelenka, John headed in that direction. He moved quickly, but took care to keep his movements fluid enough so Tweety wouldn't fall off his shoulder.

_You're worried._

"It's probably nothing."

_I can feel it._

"We aren't going to panic until and unless there's something wrong. Maybe he was tired and decided to go back for a nap. I wore him out this morning."

_You weren't as enthusiastic as normal._

Despite his worry, John spluttered a little. "God, you follow that in my head, too?"

He got another mental bird shrug. _It feels good._

John tried hard not to blush, but had a feeling he wasn't succeeding very well. He choose not to answer that, since pretty much anything he could say would only get him in trouble in one way or another.

Tweety chuckled in his mind. _There's no need to be embarrassed. It's the truth._

He was more embarrassed by the fact that his voyeuristic kink pinged at the thought. "We think so. So you can feel me pretty much where ever I am and whatever I'm doing as long as I'm in the city? Do you have that range with anyone else, or just me?"

_You're the strongest, but I used to be able to do it with Rodney, too. He'd even talk to me when he was doing repairs._

"You will again." John hoped it was a promise he could keep. They were at their quarters, so he slipped inside. "Rodney? You here?"

John wandered through the apartment heading for the bedroom when he didn't spot Rodney anywhere in the main rooms. It felt okay, just quiet. As soon as he turned into the bedroom he paused, catching sight of his lover sitting on the floor, his back to the door. He had a few boxes in front of him, the covers off. It looked like he was going through them. There were papers, pictures—all of it personal and stuff John hadn't seen before.

"Rodney?" John kept his voice low, not wanting to startle the other man.

"I thought you were meeting with Kate." His reply was just as quiet, but it was tired, resigned. His hands were steady as he picked through one of the boxes.

"I was on my way there when I got sidetracked." John helped Tweety to the dresser by the door, then slowly, carefully moved closer to Rodney. "Are you okay?"

He shrugged, not looking up.

John knelt close, enough that Rodney could reach out if he wanted John's touch. "Can I help?"

"Just…" he shrugged again. "Just thinking."

Reaching out, John brushed his lover's arm. He kept it light, not wanting to spook him. "Want to talk about it?"

Rodney glanced up, his eyes a little sad. "Are you here to take away my bootlaces?"

John didn't try to hide his confusion. "Your bootlaces? I don't understand."

His hand fluttered up toward his neck. "You know…so I don't do anything…rash."

"Oh." John shook his head. "No. I know you won't do anything like that. You would come find me before it got that bad."

"I just…couldn't stay in the labs."

"That's okay." John sat slowly, shifting a little closer. He wanted to pull Rodney into his arms, but wasn't sure it would help. "Do you mind if I sit with you? If you'd rather be alone, I can go in the other room."

Rodney shrugged. "I can't stay here too long. Too much to do."

"That wasn't the question." John took a risk, putting an arm around his lover. He pressed his lips to the side of Rodney's head. "Whatever you need, you know I'll give it to you."

His lover immediately leaned into him. "I…I don't know."

"Would talking about it, what you're feeling and thinking, help?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"So talk to me. It can't hurt at least."

Rodney snorted.

John reached out, fingering an old photograph. "Tell me about these? I've never seen them."

"It's Einstein."

"He the one you had to leave behind when we first came to Pegasus?" John looked at the fluffy cat, who looked pretty pleased with himself in the picture.

Rodney shook his head. "No. He's still with my neighbor who hates me and who moved away and took my cat. No. Einstein was my first cat."

John made an encouraging noise, putting his arms more firmly around Rodney, trying to offer comfort and love and anything else his lover needed.

"It's stupid. He died when I was seven and I still miss him."

"That's not stupid." John smiled a little. "I still remember my first pet, too. I was devastated when he died. Nothing wrong with that at all."

"Second…second pet."

"Oh?"

"I tried fish first. Scampi and Blue. They lasted all of three days."

"What kind of fish were they?"

Rodney shrugged. "They were like five cents at the pet store. I didn't have a lot of money and I thought it would show…responsibility, you know, to take care of two fish. I got a small tank, some food. I had just enough money to even get a fish castle. You know the plastic thing on the bottom of the tank."

John could picture it, and it made him smile. He nodded, encouraging Rodney to continue.

"I woke up on the third morning and they were floating at the top of the tank. I got a lecture about wasting my money and neglecting the fish."

John tightened his arms around Rodney. "I'm sure you didn't neglect them. Pet store fish just don't have long lifespans, unfortunately."

"They should have lasted longer than three days. It took me almost a year to save enough money to get Einstein."

John ached for his lover, for the devastated child he must have been. "Did you get him from the pet store, too?"

Rodney nodded.

"Was he a kitten when you got him?"

He nodded again, his finger drifting over the cat in the picture. "He died about a month after this picture was taken."

"How long did you have him?"

"About…three or four years."

John squeezed a little, pressing a few light kisses into Rodney's skin. "How did he die?"

"I was at school when it happened. I…he got out and was hit by a car."

John made a soft noise. "I'm so sorry."

"It was….hard to get money to buy another one. Always something else to buy, something else I needed. Took more than a year."

John wanted to go back in time and hurt Rodney's parents. The fact that his lover had needed something to love him so much was heartbreaking. And that they couldn't cough up the little bit of money to get him a cat...

"I didn't even get the chance to take a lot of pictures of Kermit. I don't even know if I have any anymore," he said, fingering through the pages in the nearest box. "He ran away when I was questioned by the CIA and after that there really wasn't time to have a pet. Not until I was in college in any case."

John decided that he didn't care how much trouble it got him in to—he was going to get Rodney a cat on their next vacation, and he was going to find a way to get it to Atlantis.

"I just…miss them sometimes."

Nuzzling at the side of Rodney's head, John wished there was something he could do to take that pain away. "If you want to pet my hair, I'll sit in your lap and purr for you. It's not a great substitute, but..."

Tweety picked that moment to flutter over, landing on the box in front of Rodney.

John started—he had completely forgotten about the bird. "Oh, hey, that's actually why I got waylaid. Tweety hailed me, and he missed you so we decided to come see what you were doing."

Rodney actually shifted back, away from the bird. "Why is he here?"

Okay, that hadn't been what John was expecting. "Um, he came with me. What's wrong?"

"He should be in the labs where he belongs."

"What... Aren't you friends? You talked to him I thought, and... okay I am now completely confused." John looked at Tweety. "Were you leaving things out?"

The bird sent a push of intensely confused and hurt feelings toward John as he flew back toward the dresser. Rodney just shifted away. "He needs to be in the labs, John."

John look back and forth between them, pulling Rodney into his arms, and sending a wordless bit of comfort to the bird, trying to soothe them both. "Okay, back up. I know you were friends and would talk to him all the time. And I know you're somehow completely blocking him now which is causing him quite a bit of distress. So what changed? Talk to me here, Rodney."

"He needs to be in the labs. It's not safe out here. It's not like he can protect himself."

A few things suddenly clicked in John's mind. He caught his lover's face gently. "Hey. He's not going to get hit by a car, or run away, or anything like that. He's your friend, and he misses you. Pushing him away because you're afraid you'll lose him will only make you both unhappy."

"Just take him back, please."

"He's not like your pets, Rodney. He can protect himself. He can communicate with us if something is wrong. And right now he's telling me that something is wrong—you've shut him out. He doesn't want to be in the labs, alone. He wants to be near you."

"Take him back," Rodney repeated, his body shaking.

John shifted close again, pulling Rodney into his arms once more. "He loves you, Rodney. He's as devastated as I was when you and I were apart. You have people who care about you, deeply. Please don't shut us out. Don't push us away. Let us help you."

"Please, just take him back."

"Tell me why. Tell me what you're so afraid of."

 _I'll go back,_ Tweety said quietly in John's mind.

Knowing the bird would pick it up, John responded by just thinking the words. _Do you have any idea what happened? Before you stopped being able to talk to him, was there anything unusual? I think he's pushing you away because he's afraid you're going to die on him._

_He used to like me…I thought he did. He was happy when we talked._

_He still does like you. A lot. That's why he's so afraid now._

_He was excited for a while, but then he started not having time to talk or visit. And then…nothing._ Tweety gave John a mental shrug. _I…I should go back to the labs like he said._

John tipped Rodney's face again. "Hey. Please... just open up to him, even for a minute. He deserves to at least know why you're pushing him away."

Rodney shook his head, eyes tightly closed.

"Can you tell me why you don't want to?" John kept his voice, his touch, gentle.

"I just can't…lose…I can't…not now."

"You won't lose him, buddy. He's not going to go anywhere. But if you push him away, he's going to go. If you let him in, though, you'll have one more friend, one more person who cares about you, who wants to help. He's not like your cats, Rodney, I promise. He won't dart out the door and get hit by a Jumper because he's been spooked by something."

"I can't…please, not now, John…"

John sighed softly, sending a complicated mix of emotions and feelings Tweety's direction, trying to make him understand Rodney wasn't rejecting him so much as he was terrified of losing him. John felt helpless; he didn't know how to fix this.

John got two words in response. _I understand._

John sighed again, holding Rodney close.

Tweety fluttered out into the living room leaving him and Rodney alone—as if. John already knew he could read his mind no matter where they were in the city, so distance didn't matter. The gesture, though, was appreciated.

It allowed him to completely focus on his lover. "Hey, there. It's okay."

"Take him back, please, take him back."

"He left. He's going back now."

Rodney stiffened in his arms. "Nononono. Take him yourself. He might get stuck in a door or in the stairwell or someone might not see him. Please, John…"

"He's not going to get stuck in a door or a stairwell. I promise. And even if—and I stress the if here—he did, he can talk to and hear me from anywhere in the city. He would just call for help."

"Don't leave him alone…can't leave him alone."

John honestly didn't know what to do. He couldn't leave his lover alone like this, but not leaving to go with Tweety wasn't helping either. John tapped his radio. "Sheppard to Heightmeyer."

"Heightmeyer here. Is there a problem, John? You're still scheduled for an appointment in fifteen minutes."

"I know, but I've got a bit of a situation here. Can you come to my quarters? Now?"

"Now? Of course. Give me five minutes."

"Thanks. Sheppard out." John turned off the radio. "Hey, Rodney. Kate is coming over. So Tweety won't be alone, and neither will you."

"Just take him down to the labs. He'll be safe there."

"Right now he's out in the living room. I'll take him back soon, okay?"

"Don't let him get out into the hall by himself. Or out on the balcony. Are the doors closed? I should close the doors…" Rodney shifted as if to get up, but John held him tightly.

"The doors are closed, and he won't leave." John felt the wordless worry emanating from the bird. He was almost as concerned about Rodney as John was. "He promises."

"Can't let him get out."

"Rodney..." John was gentle, stroking his lover's arm. "You know Tweety isn't like your cats, right? He's as sentient as we are."

"My cats were smart," he said quietly. "But it didn't help them."

"They were smart, but they couldn't talk to you. Tell you if something was wrong, or if they were afraid. Ask for help. Tweety can."

"Just make sure he gets back to the labs, please."

"I will." John was grateful when he heard Kate calling out. "Back here."

She poked her head in a few moments later. "John? Rodney? Did you know there's a bird in your living room?"

"That's Tweety. He says hi." John gave her a helpless, concerned look.

She raised an eyebrow and moved in closer. "So what are you two looking at?"

"Rodney was telling me about his pets growing up."

She nodded. "We talked about them a little yesterday."

"He's worried Tweety will get hurt."

Her eyes widened and she nodded. "How about I walk Tweety down to the labs and leave him with Doctor Simmons and then come back?"

John nodded. _Tweety? Go with Kate, okay? I'll try and get Rodney to open up and work out the real issues here._

Tweety appeared a moment later, landing on Kate's shoulder.

"I guess that means he's okay with it," she said with a tight smile.

John wanted to pull her aside, ask her for advice, but he wouldn't leave Rodney until he was sure the other man was okay. So he just nodded again. When they had left, John coaxed Rodney up and over to the bed, laying him down so they could curl together.

His lover curled into him immediately. "Thank you," he whispered.

"You're welcome." John worked a leg between Rodney's, so they could shift even closer.

John heard Rodney's sigh of relief as he relaxed against him, the tension bleeding away. "I miss Einstein," he whispered after several minutes.

"I know, buddy. I wish I could bring him back for you."

"Doesn't work that way."

"I know. But whatever I can do, I will. All you have to do is ask."

"You're too big to be a cat."

"I purr, though. And arch. And nuzzle."

"Not fuzzy enough."

"Yes, I am. I'm covered in it."

"Not enough."

"I think that's the first time anyone's ever told me I wasn't hairy enough." John smiled a little, hoping to lighten his lover's mood.

Rodney huffed, shifting closer. John heard the door slide open a few moments later and knew Kate had returned.

John kissed Rodney's forehead. "Hey, can I go talk to Kate for a minute? We'll just be in the next room, and I'll come right back."

He nodded, letting go of his tight grip on John.

Slipping out of the bed, John followed Kate into the living room, where he quickly recapped the morning. "I don't know what to do here. I don't want to hurt him."

"We did talk yesterday about what he felt was missing in his life and he said the only thing he missed was his cat," she said quietly, her eyes showing her concern.

"Which, okay, I get. Pets are awesome, but..." John ran a hand through his hair, pacing a little. "It's not the missing his cat that worries me. It's that he's shut Tweety out completely, and was terrified to even get near him. Rodney's so afraid he'll lose him like he lost his cats, that he's pushing him away. And that's a self-fulfilling prophecy."

"He's afraid of getting hurt again, of losing something he loves. He trusts you to be able to take care of yourself because you take care of him, but others…that's where he's having the issue."

At least Rodney wasn't pushing him away. That was something at least. "How do I help him with this? If he shuts everyone else out, he will lose the people he loves. I can stop it for a little while, but over time..."

"It's going to take time. Something like this didn't happen overnight—even though it might seem that way to you."

"No, I know. Tweety said Rodney was talking to him constantly, really enjoying it, and then a few weeks ago started pulling back until now, he can't even feel his presence at all." John gave her a pleading look. "Rodney is and always will be my first priority. But... God, when someone dumps that kind of longing, that kind of desperation and hurt in your head... and I god damn well know how hard it is to love Rodney and not be allowed in.... What am I supposed to do here?"

"What's his main concern, that something will happen to Tweety?"

"It seems to be, yes. That he'll get hurt or run away like Einstein and the others, and then Rodney will be left alone again."

"How about focusing him on a project to ensure Tweety's safety within the city? Maybe it's a computer program that opens interior doors or secures outer doors when Tweety's within a certain distance. Maybe there is a way to track him easily within the city, just in case there is a problem."

Taking a deep breath, John nodded. "Let's give it a shot." He moved back into the bedroom. "Rodney? Buddy?"

Rodney had curled around John's pillow and seemed to be sleeping soundly. Kate was at his elbow. "If he's sleeping, leave him for now."

John reached out, caressing his lover's face gently. Rodney smiled a little in his sleep, so John leaned down to press a soft kiss into his hair, then followed Kate back into the living room. "All right, since we're both here anyway, let's go ahead and get the other stuff out of the way, shall we?"

"Other stuff?" she asked, one eyebrow raised, a slight smirk on her face.

He dropped onto the couch, smirking right back at her. "Well if you don't know, then maybe I'll just assume I'm free and clear..."

"Oh, I don't know about that," she said, settling into the arm chair. "I know you've been a little…anxious about getting back to work and resuming your off-world duties."

He nodded. "I'm sure you know that I resumed full command of the base the other day, when the current crisis hit us. I need the official sign-off, though to make it official that I'm back on the full active list."

"And you think you're ready."

"Yes."

"Why?" Kate crossed her legs and leaned back, getting comfortable.

"We both know that, given the nature of my job, I'll never be free of control issues. I'm in the military in a base in the middle of a war—control is the name of the game. But sitting around worrying about it isn't getting me anywhere. I have a handle on my emotions now. I'm not going to lose control of them in a crucial situation, which means I'm no longer a danger to my people in the field. Which means I need to stop feeling guilty and start working."

"What are you feeling guilty about?"

"Was. Past tense."

"But you said it in the present tense, 'you need to stop feeling guilty' which indicates to me that you are still feeling guilty about something."

John made a face. Shrinks. "Right now, I'm feeling guilty that my people are under a tremendous amount of strain because workloads had to be shifted to account for me not being there. It was a cascade effect, and I can see the cracks starting to show in everyone it touched. It's not fair to them for me to be sitting around while they try to carry the load. That's my job."

"Your job is to prevent cracking?" Her eyebrow rose again. "I thought that was part of my job description."

He shook his head. "It is, but... It's also part of my job, in a way. A good commander knows his people, knows what to watch for. No, I can't fix the problems, but I better damn well be paying close enough attention that I know who to send to you, who just needs a few days of leave to recoup, and who really should be on the next transport back before they get themselves or someone else killed. I don't get it right every time, but I do try."

She nodded, but John had seen the small flinch as he'd been speaking. She'd missed Castrina even though he'd been brought to her attention. "So, you think you're ready to go back to work. What's changed?"

"I've been ready to go back for a while now, you just kept telling me no. I finally got tired of waiting."

"Oh?"

John didn't drop his gaze. "Maybe Ronon was right and I just didn't want it enough before. But now I do. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines. I want to be back on the full active list, and I want to be the one who goes through the gate with my team in two days."

"Why do you think Ronon said that?"

"Because I wasn't pushing you hard enough. I asked, but when you said no I backed down. I was willing to defer to your judgment, but maybe I was afraid of putting myself back in that position. I don't know. But while I'm not ready to mutiny yet if you and Elizabeth force the issue, I'm not going to meekly back down this time."

"But if I don't sign off you really don't have a choice."

"I know that. And like I said, I won't mutiny. But I will fight you on it. There is no reason for me not to be performing my full duties."

"How can you be so sure that the situation that sent you to me won't happen again?"

"I can't." John shrugged. "We face weird shit every day out there, and I can't predict that something won't creep me out or piss me off beyond normal. But sitting around base isn't any better, as we saw with Castrina. At least if I'm out there, I'm actively working at solving problems instead of sitting on my ass."

John saw the same flinch at the scientist's name. That was certainly a sore spot with several people—Rodney included. She nodded slowly. "And you feel that you're ready."

He pushed his advantage. "I know I am. And you need me out of your hair. I've been a full-time job for you, and there are others who are far worse off."

"Like your partner."

John nodded. "Him and others. Lorne could probably use at least a few sessions. And how many others are starting to have a hard time coping that are slipping through the cracks because I happen to be higher profile and so take up more resources while I have my little mid-life crisis or whatever?"

"Don't minimize your own issues, John. That's what led you to my doorstep. You have as much right as anyone else."

He shrugged. "Be that as it may, right now others need you more than I do. I'm fit for duty, so let me do it."

"Honestly, I still think you need more time," she said after a long moment. "There's still issues involving your father that you need to address."

Sitting back, John shook his head. "There's nothing to address. He didn't disown me, but it's a close thing. Why reopen old wounds?"

"Because it affects you on a daily basis."

He decided to take a slightly different tactic. "All right, but this isn't the kind of issue that can be worked out here. It's between both my father and I—and we can't exactly invite him out to Pegasus for a few joint therapy sessions. I'll consider going to see him when I'm there on leave some time, but that's about the best I can do."

"Point taken, but you also have to acknowledge that as much as you've separated yourself from him and your family, they still exert a great deal of influence on you even now."

John looked out the window for a minute, thinking. "How about this? I'll write my brother an e-mail. Test the waters so to speak. If I don't get the harsh reception I'm anticipating—or no reception at all—I'll do my best to make plans to go out and visit them, try to resolve some of this."

She nodded. "That's a start. Acknowledging their impact on your daily life is needed, too."

"They impact my life in terms of shaping the person I came to be. But I wouldn't say they influence my daily life directly."

Kate leaned forward, ticking off points on her fingers. "You're closed off to everyone except your partner. You don't trust easily, or deeply. You're not comfortable in situations unless you have control of it. You don't value your life as much as you should. You have the overwhelming need to save everything or everyone else. Should I go on?"

It was his turn to flinch. "Okay, so I still have issues. And I'll keep working on them with you but... none of those are bad enough to hold me back from doing my job. They're things I've carried around for years. I don't need to be lounging around to work on fixing them."

"I agree they're not new, but you also tend to ignore them until something bad happens or when they become an issue. Some of them, if you deal with them, would not be as…troublesome."

"So you and I will keep having regular meetings. I won't even try to get out of them unless there's something major going on."

"Once a week."

John nodded. If that was the price he paid for being able to get back out there, he would fork it over gladly.

"Now, Rodney."

John sighed, letting the tension bleed out of him, to be replaced once more with worry and concern for his lover. "I'm almost afraid to do anything. I don't want to push him over the edge of whatever he's standing on, but at the same time, I know if I do nothing he might fling himself over expecting me to catch him, but when I'm not there..."

"How was he last night after our session?"

"Better I thought. He seemed less... closed off. And even this morning, he was a little cuddly, but it wasn't so unusual that it set off any alarms for me. So I wasn't expecting to find him so... lost. Especially so soon after I had just left him. And I sure as hell wasn't expecting the way he reacted to Tweety."

She nodded. "We talked a lot about the last time, about how he felt then compared to now, the things he thought he needed or wanted. I imagine it may have opened up some memories."

"So what do you suggest? As his top, my first instinct is to hold him close and make it all go away. But we both know that won't fix anything, just suppress it for a while. Where's the line? What does he need right now?"

"You're right. He's been suppressing a lot of it and that can't go on. He's a lot like you in that way, holds things in until they more or less blow up in his face." She paused, tapping her bottom lip. "I'm going to insist on a daily session—when possible—with him. I didn't think I needed to take him off the duty roster, but if this is affecting his work…"

"I'll keep an eye on it. Radek is a good source for that, as well. He's discreet, and won't ask for a lot of explanation."

She nodded. "Scientists are a funny bunch. They are almost…okay with issues like this with their colleagues. It's almost expected."

John smiled a little. "We forget, I think, that we aren't dealing with your average scientist. We're dealing with some of the best and brightest minds Earth has to offer. All of them have odd quirks and issues, and I think they're all so used to it, they don't think twice when a quirk turns into a little more serious issue."

"And they can tell when it takes that last turn, too."

"Sometimes." John gave her a sympathetic glance. "They also all work very closely together here, in each other's pockets in a lot of ways. So they're going to be the first ones to notice if someone's behavior goes a little off."

"How much has he talked to you about…things?"

"Rodney? A little. We talked a bit last night, and he was just telling me about his pets before I called you."

"And about his childhood? His other…experiences."

John shook his head. "Not a lot. But then, I haven't told him a lot about mine either. I know about some of his past relationships, but that's about it."

She nodded, her lips pressed into a thin line. "Unfortunately then, there's only so much I can talk to you about until he decides to share it with you."

Sighing, John respected that although he wanted to protest. "I don't want to push him."

"No. Forcing an issue right now wouldn't be good for either of you. I'm glad he opened up to you about his pets, at least. It's a start—albeit a small one. I tried to encourage him to talk about his past with you. I think it would help you to understand him a little better."

"He knows he can talk to me about whatever he's comfortable discussing."

"Does he, really?"

"I hope so."

She nodded again. "A few suggestions then, for the meantime. Try to encourage him to talk, tell you what's on his mind especially if he's quiet. Don't let him get away with things. Try to help him keep a steady routine. Don't let him get lost in his work, or like today, try to encourage him to work. It might be an up and down thing for a while, but try to get him back to a consistent routine."

"I can do that." It was pretty much what he usually did, but it was nice to hear that it was on track. "What about like now, when he's sleeping? Should I wake him and encourage him to work?"

"He does need the sleep, but I'll go back to the mention of a consistent, healthy routine."

"I'll get him up in a minute then. I'll want him in bed at a decent hour, and he won't if he sleeps all day."

Kate nodded again and smiled. "He might fight you on it, but I'm sure you know how to handle that part."

John chuckled. "I do. Speaking of which, you should know I'm arranging for leave for both of us. It might take a few weeks or more to arrange everything, but the IOA has been bugging Elizabeth to get the senior staff—at least some of us—there twice a year for full debriefs. Rodney and I are going to take the first set, and then take some leave afterward."

"A vacation would be good for both of you."

John's smile turned a little wistful and naughty at the same time. "Very, very good."

Kate chuckled. "And what exactly are you planning?"

"I've asked a good friend on Earth for suggestions for a BDSM resort kind of place. Somewhere warm enough that Rodney can go without clothes for the entire trip, and no one will look twice while we indulge ourselves in all kinds of kinky sex."

"There are several places, actually."

One of John's eyebrows went up. "I take it you've had a few naughty vacations yourself."

Kate's expression went a little coy. "Perhaps."

That startled a laugh out of him. "We'll have to get together and compare notes one of these days. I'd love to hear about some of your techniques. In the meantime, can you recommend a place that's pretty well-equipped, tropical locale, no one thinks twice about naked or half-naked people on leashes, and everyone respects the 'don't touch without asking first' rule?"

"Techniques? I'm not sure that would be such a good idea."

"Oh?"

"That's certainly outside the bounds of doctor-patient relationships," she said, tilting her head to the side.

"If you can't talk about sex with your shrink..." John tossed her earlier words back at her, grinning. "Seriously, I'm not saying we use one of my sessions for it, but if you go by that criteria, you can't talk to anyone on base about anything. Come over one night for dinner and we can talk topping."

Kate laughed. "With or without your sub?"

"Both, probably. I don't mind him being here, but I don't want to give too many secrets away. That would take all the fun out of it."

"Let me guess…put him into headspace and then add earplugs and then we'll talk."

John grinned. "Aww, how did you guess?"

"Honestly, it's what I would do," she said with a shrug. "Besides, if they're busy pleasuring you at the same time it's the best of both worlds."

His body made a few inquiring pings, and John had to tell it no, playing wasn't on the agenda right now. "You don't have to answer this, but do you have a sub now?"

"No, I don't. It's really not appropriate given the situation."

"Not appropriate to be human?" He softened his expression. "I'm not the expert here, but if I was you, and you were me, I'd be telling you that's not healthy, to lock yourself away like that. Even if you don't take a full-time sub, finding people to play with and relieve a little tension would be a good thing. You, probably more than a lot of us, need that."

"You didn't ask about casual sex, John. You asked about a sub and by that definition means a long-term relationship."

"Touché." He chuckled. "Although there's a fine line sometimes between a regular play partner and a full sub."

"Perhaps, but getting back to your other question. There are two resorts I like. One's in Jamaica and the other one is just outside of Amsterdam."

He nodded. "I'll get the information on them from you once I have an idea about how long we'll actually have for leave. That might effect how far we want to travel."

"If the Apollo or the Daedalus is in orbit, I'm sure they can give you a lift."

John's lips twitched. "I'm not sure how well asking to be beamed down to a BDSM resort would go over with my superiors."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Beaming you down to the airport so you can rent a car is not out of the question, is it?"

He stopped fighting it and laughed. "God, I can just picture Ellis' face... 'Yes sir, I'd like to go spank a few asses on my vacation.'"

"He might enjoy it a little too much."

Groaning, John laughed a little harder. "Okay, that is not a mental image I needed of that man..."

"Or perhaps you'd like to ask Colonel Caldwell for a lift. I'm sure he would be…intrigued by certain aspects of the resort."

John just groaned again. "What scares me is that I imagine almost all of my current and former superiors would probably entertain more than just a thought about the idea of tying me down and striping my ass, sex-related or not. That's just wrong on so many levels."

Kate chuckled. "I’m sure you'd put them in their places."

"Okay, we are so not going to speculate on kinky scenes with my commanding officers. That's just... you are a sick person." John was laughing as he said it though. And she wasn't wrong. There were a few of them he would love to take down a notch or two.

"Why not? It's just all in good fun, isn't it?"

"Because I already had a number of fantasies in which Rodney was under my desk in headspace sucking me off while I had meetings with Caldwell. Now I'm going to be picturing the Colonel on his knees every time I see him. So very wrong."

"Ah, but then he wouldn't be sucking you off. I'm sure it would involve some kind of whip or paddle."

Despite himself, John let his naughty mind go there. "Rodney would be sucking me off while I stripped his ass enough that he would have trouble sitting down for days."

"Or he'd suck you off when you were done with Caldwell."

"I'd probably want to fuck him when I was done with Caldwell."

"There we go. A nice little fantasy." Kate smirked at him.

"You are an evil woman." John shook his head. "So is that what you fantasize about? Bending strong men over and making them acknowledge you as their mistress?"

She shrugged, holding his gaze. "Men, women, doesn't matter. It's all about control and release and pleasure."

He nodded. "Gender is less important than whether you identify as a top or a bottom. So what do you fantasize about? I shared mine, now it's your turn."

"That, I believe, is for another time," she said quietly, her eyes drifting over his shoulder.

John glanced back, to see his lover standing there blinking sleepily at them. He held out his arms, gesturing the other man to come. "Hey, buddy."

"Hey," he said quietly, eyes wandering from John to Kate and then back again. "I…what is Kate doing here?" He settled next to John on the couch, his body sleep-warmed and pliant.

John pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around Rodney and enjoying the solid warmth of him. "I didn't want to leave you alone, so she and I were doing my appointment here while you got in a short nap."

"Oh," Rodney said, relaxing into John and closing his eyes again.

"So how are you doing? Feeling better now?" John rubbed his nose in Rodney's soft hair, inhaling his lover's unique scent.

"Tired. Thinking of napping a bit longer."

"Mmm, I'd prefer it if you didn't. I want us both to get to bed at a decent hour tonight, but if you sleep too much today you won't be able to."

"I'm sure you can tire me out."

"Yes, but I want you to get some work done. I don't want you just sitting around all day. It will only make you feel worse in the long run."

"I think it'll make me feel rested."

John put a finger under Rodney's chin, tilting it up. "Look at me."

Kate was quiet, simply observing. Rodney was thankfully focused on John, opening his eyes to meet his lover's gaze.

"You trust me to know what's best for you, and to take care of you." He didn't make it a question, but he did make it clear he expected an acknowledgement.

"Of course, but—"

"No buts. That was a yes or a no question, Rodney."

Rodney narrowed his eyes. "Wasn't a question," he grumbled.

John didn't look away, running the pad of his thumb across Rodney's cheek. "I know you trust me, but I need to hear you say it, without any qualifications."

It took him a long moment to finally relent, his stubbornness kicking in, but John was content to wait him out. He knew who would win in this case and it wasn't Rodney. "I trust you," he said quietly, "to take care of me and to know what's best for me."

John rewarded him with a soft smile, and a brush of their lips together. "Thank you. I needed you to say it because I want to help you, but I can't if you won't let me. Right now, what you need is to get back to our regular routine, with you in the labs and me working during the day, and then either the two of us or a small group of friends for dinner, and bedtime at a decent hour—which means before midnight. We both need the return to normalcy after an up and down last couple of weeks."

Rodney almost protested. John saw it in his eyes, but he didn't, instead nodding, lowering his eyes. He was submitting even though he didn't want to.

"Good boy." John murmured the praise, kissing his lover again softly.

John got a kiss back in return, gentle and sweet, full of trust and affection.

John flicked the cock ring on with a thought, making sure it was at the lowest setting, a barely-there buzz. It was a promise, for later, that obedience in this would have sweet rewards.

Rodney yelped in surprise at the sensation, John's mouth catching most of the sound. It took no longer than a few seconds before he was relaxing into John.

John continued the kiss until Rodney was practically melting into him, then he slowly backed it off, finishing with a few light nibbles. "Take a few more minutes to relax, then I'll walk you back to the labs. You'll work there for a few hours; I'll stop by with lunch in the afternoon. Tonight, come home at the usual time. We'll have dinner and I'll help you relax."

He nodded, resting his head against John's shoulder. "Yes, sir."

John rested his cheek against Rodney's hair, catching Kate watching them. He had almost forgotten she was still here.

She smiled. "I have an appointment with Rodney this afternoon."

"What time?" John was slowly caressing the bared part of Rodney's arm, up and down in lazy strokes.

"1600."

"How long will you need him for?"

"Standing sessions are an hour."

"I don't suppose there's any way we can move it to 1800? He comes home at 1900—it would be easier on him if he didn't have to go back to the labs for just two hours before stopping for the night."

Kate was silent for a moment, her eyes taking on a slightly unfocused look. "I can check and get back to you."

"Good. Let me know, since I would rather have him done working for the day before he meets with you. That way you can have his full attention, and then he can come straight home after and not worry about dealing with anything that comes up in view of his staff."

She nodded. "I understand. I have to check my calendar and see what else I have scheduled and if I can shift things around if I need to. I can call you once I get back to my office."

He smiled at her. "Can I plan on 1800, and you let me know if that just won't work? That way I can work out the rest of the schedule for the foreseeable future."

"Give me an hour to confirm."

"I can do that." John pressed his lips against Rodney's hair, smiling slightly at the way his lover sighed softly, snuggling a little closer.

Kate rose quietly. "We'll straighten this out."

"I know." He paused, catching her eye. "You never said one way or another—I'm fully cleared now, correct?"

"Oh, I didn't say?"

"You didn't."

She smiled. "It's already on Elizabeth's desk."

He made a face at her, slightly marred by the admiring grin he couldn't keep off his lips. "You. Are. Evil."

The innocent look didn't go well on her. "Just remember to do what you promised."

He nodded. "I will. We'll set up my new appointment schedule this week, and I'll send you a copy."

Kate gave him another nod and smile as she headed out, leaving John alone with a clingy Rodney.

John shifted his lover slightly, so they were both more comfortable on the couch, and so Rodney could snuggle just a little bit closer. "Hey, there. How are you doing?"

"Can we stay here?"

"For another few minutes. I want to wait for Kate to confirm your new appointment time so I can set the rest of the day up. But after that, we're both going to work." John smiled softly at him. "But I am working on finding us a place to go on our vacation. There are a few BDSM resorts out there. I just have to decide which one we want. Kate has some suggestions, and I want to see what Peter comes up with before I choose one."

"I'm…I'm really looking forward to it."

"Me, too. You're going to spend days in headspace without coming up."

Rodney shifted, his hand resting lightly on John's chest. "I'm sorry about everything."

John tipped Rodney's face up again. "Hey. You have nothing to be sorry about. Nothing. It's okay to struggle with coping with all shit we face out here. I'm just grateful we have each other to turn to, to help us both get through it. And you will get through it, I promise. I'll be right here beside you the whole time, and it will only serve to bring us all that much closer together."

"If you want me off the team, I'm…I'm okay with it. I'd understand."

He shook his head. "I don't want you off the team. I just got myself back on it, why would I want to split us up again so soon?"

"Because I'm not…because I know I'm a liability. I'm not a soldier and I can barely hit the broad side of a barn with my sidearm—even with lessons."

John had a feeling this was a key issue for his lover, so he didn't do it the injustice of just brushing it aside. "You're not a liability. No, you aren't a soldier, but I knew that when I asked you to join me. The reasons I wanted you on my team then haven't changed now. There are a lot of things out there we don't understand, and I can't fix. If you weren't on the team, we'd all be dead several times over. If it bothers you, we can work on training up your marksmanship. I can't train a soldier to be brilliant in the ways you are."

"I just…I'm the one that always gets us in trouble because of my mouth or because I can't shoot or because of my attitude."

He shook his head. "I know it feels that way sometimes, but it isn't always you. How many times have I accidentally initialized something that then tried to kill us? Or a village princess tried to come on to me and I caused mortal offence by turning her down? Or hell, the one time my hair nearly caused an interplanetary incident. Even Teyla occasionally has bad information or mis-remembers a planet or people—the Genii come to mind there. And Ronon... well, okay he just shows up and shoots things, but eventually he'll do something stupid and the rest of us will have to bail him out."

"It's different. You all…you all know how to handle yourselves. You all know what to do when things go to shit—which is all the time. If my mistakes don't kill me, I’m sure they'll end up killing you…I'll end up killing you and then I don't know if I could live with that."

"You're not giving yourself enough credit. You do all the right things when stuff happens. You listen to my orders, and we move as a team. As for mistakes... we all make them, buddy. All of us. I could say the same thing—that something I do or don't do could be the reason you end up dead, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself. But being here on base while you were out there—I prefer us together, watching each other's backs. It minimizes the chances for mistakes."

"I'm not good…not comfortable with things I don't do well."

John smiled softly. That was the understatement of the century. "So make me a list of the things you want to be better at, to feel more comfortable in the field. We'll work on them. The stuff you're talking about, like shooting, isn't something anyone has naturally. You worked with Ford and Teyla before. I can work with you, or we can get someone else to. We all have to learn it, and then continuously work at it, to be any good at all. Maybe it's time we set up some training classes for everyone—even the scientists. I've been thinking about it for a while. That way everyone has a basic level of skills before they go out in the field." He paused, smiling down at Rodney. "Is there something specific you want to feel more comfortable with in the field?"

"Life. Everything."

"Rodney." John moved so he was looking his lover in the eye. "I love you just the way you are. You're the most amazing person I've ever known, and I couldn't ask for more. I know you're feeling a little lost, but don't cheapen all the things you are good at, just because there are a few you aren't."

"With you it's different. I know I’m safe, know you don't expect anything. As soon as I step in the labs I can feel their eyes on me, wondering when I’m going to screw up. They all know it's just a matter of time. I’m not Superman. I'm a genius that screws up simple things on a daily basis, that makes mistakes of gigantic proportions."

Sighing, John caressed his lover's cheek. "I won't lie to you. They are all looking at you, but not for the reasons you think. Yes, we've all gotten used to you finding an impossible solution more times than not, but most of us know you're human—things happen. Your staff—the ones that matter anyway—know that. But they also know that as hard as you push them, you're pushing yourself harder. And that just makes them want to give you more. They might curse you for it at times, but I don't think any of them would be shy to admit that they've done more and better under you than they ever dreamed they could."

"It's just gotten worse after…after…" Rodney trails off and offers a small shrug, his eyes sliding closed.

"After?"

"Doranda."

"That was a long time ago."

"Not long enough. It'll never be long enough."

John brushed their lips together. "I know it won't, for you. I wish I could take it away for you... But for your staff, and everyone else on base, it's history now. Just another mistake we all made, right along with me waking up the Wraith."

Rodney shook his head. "They're just waiting for me to screw up again and every time I screw up just a little, they know they're one step closer to a promotion."

"Rodney." John held his lover's face, waiting until he had opened his eyes. "I know it's hard right now, but you're feeling sorry for yourself and you're starting to get a little melodramatic. You know I'll help you through this, give you anything you need, but we aren't going to have a pity party. It will only make you feel worse, and won't solve anything. Instead, I want you to think about what you're saying—you know it's not true."

John saw the hint of anger and hurt flash in Rodney's eyes. "Is that what you think, I'm melodramatic?"

"No. Not at all. I think 99.9 percent of the time you have a real and valid reason for what you're saying, and your brain works so much faster than anyone else's, you can see possibilities the rest of us can only guess at. It's what makes you so much braver than anyone else I've ever known. You see all that, and it scares you shitless, but you still follow me into battle, you still watch my back. Even if I wasn't your lover, I'd be so damn proud of you for that... But right now, I think you're hurting and you don't know how to fix it, and that scares you. So that brain of yours is working against you, and coming up with worst-case scenarios, and you're latching on to the worst of those, even though you know they aren't true."

Rodney pulled back. "You think I’m making this all up. You don't believe me."

John fought back another sigh, not letting his lover pull away. "Stop. You know I don't think you're making it up."

"Let me go."

"No." John tightened his arms. "Look, I don't want to fight with you. I know you're struggling, and I want to help. But you were just... feeling sorry for yourself. It doesn't really accomplish anything. I just wanted you to see that, so we can move on to actually finding ways to make you more comfortable with whatever is really bothering you. But when you're so caught up in the angst, it makes it hard to pinpoint the real issue."

"It's too late, we're already fighting," Rodney said, still trying to get out of John's grasp. "And what do you know anyway? You've never felt like this. You don't understand."

John rolled them so he was pinning Rodney to the couch, his expression serious. "Yes. I do. After Afghanistan I very seriously contemplated suicide. Even when you first met me, I felt like I was on borrowed time. And the reason I went to Heightmeyer was because I was to the point where I was afraid I would just start shooting and ask questions later— which is when innocent people get hurt. I get it, Rodney. I know."

"You didn't have everyone staring at you, waiting for you to screw up, knowing you would."

"I had a lot of people waiting for me to screw up after that. I had to stand in front of a disciplinary committee made up of commanding officers, and every single one of them thought I should have been dishonorably discharged. It was only by a single vote that I wasn't. After that, I was reassigned to Antarctica, where not a god damned person on base would say two words to me because everyone was convinced I was some kind of pariah and they didn't want to get tainted too." John's own breathing had gotten a bit harsh.

"You are like some god-damned golden child. There was no doubt that you'd land on your feet wherever they sent you."

John closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He knew Rodney wasn't deliberately trying to hurt him, was just lashing out because he didn't know what else to do. It didn't make it ache any less, but it did give him a little control over his own temper. "You know how close I came to losing Atlantis when we re-established contact. And you know every time I go back I have to justify my continued existence, much less my command."

"Just let me go," Rodney ordered, struggling to get free.

"No." John pushed down a bit. Then suddenly changed his mind, standing up. "No, you know what, fine. I want to help you, but if you're just going to punch me in every sensitive spot you know I have to make me hurt as much as you are, there's not much I can do."

"Thank you," he muttered, lurching to his feet as soon as John got up. He stormed into the bedroom, but left the door open.

Needing some time himself, John went out to the balcony, enjoying the feel of the cool air blowing over his face. They would have to go to work soon, and he hated leaving things like this. But his lover was so god damned stubborn sometimes. John loved him dearly, but sometimes the drama was more than he could handle.

His radio chirped a few moments later, Kate getting back to him like she'd promised.

"Sheppard here."

"I was able to move a few appointments around so Rodney's clear to come at 1800."

"Thanks. I'll let him know." John sighed.

"John?"

"Yes?" He moved back into the suite, heading to the bedroom to find Rodney.

His lover was kneeling on the floor, cleaning up the papers and photos he'd taken out. His movements were sharp, full of anger. "What's wrong? Your tone's off."

John leaned against the door, wishing yet again that he knew how to fix this. "I pissed off Rodney. I'll talk to you about it later. Sheppard out." He flicked off the radio before she could respond, knowing he would hear about it later. "That was Kate. She cleared her schedule, so your appointment is at 1800 now."

"Fine."

"So much for celebrating me finally being cleared for duty tonight." John sighed softly, turning to move back into the main room.

"You were cleared?" Rodney's voice sounded surprised.

John paused, glancing back. "Yes, as of this morning. I'll be back on the team missions as of the next one. I was going to tell you tonight, celebrate." He shook his head. "Maybe another time. When you're ready to head to the labs, let me know."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why am I going to the labs? I figured you're going to have me in Katie's office within the hour. You were already on the radio with her."

John shook his head. "She was just calling to let me know she had rearranged her schedule so you can see her at the end of the day, then come home, rather than having to go in the middle of the day, then get yourself together enough to go back to work. I figured it would be easier for you this way. But the labs are where you work. If you don't want me to walk with you, fine, but I know you have things you need to get done."

Rodney turned back to the boxes, putting the lids back on and carrying them to the closet, tucking them into their spot in the back. "What does it matter?"

Didn't they just have this conversation? John rubbed his face. "What do you want me to tell you? I know you love your job, you love Atlantis. And I know you're overwhelmed right now. But I don't know what you want from me, Rodney. You won't accept my comfort or advice, so what else can I give you?"

"I don't know either," he said, his voice pained.

John took a risk and moved into the room, close to Rodney, but not wrapping his arms around him—if the other man was ready for that, he would close the distance. "So stop pushing me away and trying to make me the bad guy. Even if you don't like what I have to say, think about it and tell me why instead of just trying to hurt me in retaliation."

"I’m just…tired."

"I know. But believe it or not, getting back to your normal routine—or as close to it as possible—will actually help."

"I don't see how."

"I can't really explain it—maybe Kate can, if you ask her later. But I can tell you from experience that when I was feeling that way, it wasn't until I started getting myself back to work that it started getting better. Just sitting around only made me feel worse in the long run."

Rodney shifted on his feet, turning to face John. "I am happy she cleared you."

"Me, too. I was going insane having to stay behind while my team, while you, went on missions without me. I'll feel a hell of a lot better when we're facing stuff together."

"I’m…I’m scared I’m going to do something out there to hurt you."

"I know. I'm terrified of the same thing, that I'll do something or miss something and you'll pay the price. But we watch each other's backs, and I know we both love what we do, most of the time. Life is dangerous. Even if we retired back on Earth, shit happens there every day. I won't live my life in fear. All we can do is enjoy every moment we have, and deal with the problems when they do come up."

"But you won't."

"Won't?"

"Do the same thing I would. You won't miss anything."

John shook his head. "I miss things all the time. That's why there are four of us on the team. We're all good at different things, and we complement each other. So when one person misses something, with luck, someone else picks it up. But every time we're taken hostage or encounter a less than friendly group of people, I wonder if this will be the time I'll lose you, if my inability to not talk back, goad them will be the reason you die."

"No," Rodney shook his head, eyes hard, determined. "No, you don't miss anything. You never do. Why do you think I actually listen to you off-world? Because you just…know things…"

John gave his lover a soft smile. "I have training, so yes, I catch a lot. I have responses and instincts drummed in to me from countless repetitions. So when things are going to shit around us, I fall back on that, let the training take over. I can teach you that kind of thing if you'll let me, but I'm not any more perfect that you are, Rodney. I make just as many—if not more considering I'm not a genius—mistakes as you do. But I accept that I'm human and I try to know my own weaknesses so I can work around them."

"But don't you know? You are perfect," Rodney said, the words slightly breathless.

John swallowed hard, shaking his head. "I wish I was. Then I would know I could always protect you."

"But you do. Even from myself."

"I try. I know I don't always succeed." John stepped forward a half-step.

"You do."

John's lips quirked. "The fact that we were fighting a few minutes ago belies the statement."

"Like I said, I'm the one who's always screwing up."

John rubbed his face again. "You didn't screw up, and it's not always you. And we're just running around in circles here."

Rodney's shoulder's slumped. "And I just can't help it."

John couldn't stand it anymore, he stepped forward, pulling Rodney into his arms. "It will be okay, if you let me help you instead of pushing me away."

"You say it like it's easy," Rodney said, burying his face in the crook of John's neck, arms wrapping around him.

"I know it's not easy. But instead of getting pissed off at me, talk to me. Tell me why you don't agree with me, and then listen to my reasons for what I'm saying. Neither of us will be right all the time, but we can get through it if we do it together."

"I'm talking to you and all we end up doing is fighting."

"This isn't fighting. Yes, I admit I lose patience when I start to feel like we're going over the same things again and again, but if that's what you need then I'll live."

"I just…I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I do is the wrong thing. Every time I try to mind my own business or keep my mouth shut off-world and it's wrong and I end up almost getting us killed. And then the times when I can't keep my mouth shut is the time I should have. And then I can't get rid of the feeling that they're all just waiting for me to screw up so bad that I either kill myself or get myself kicked off the base so they can get their promotion."

John caressed Rodney's face. "I won't deny that you've had a run of some pretty bad luck lately. But it's not always like that."

"I don't know what to do anymore."

"Then trust me. Right now, I know what you need to do, even if you don't, and even if you aren't sure it sounds right at the time."

Rodney offered a small nod.

The earned his lover a soft kiss. "I'll walk with you back to the labs. I don't know what you have on your plate right now, but pick something challenging enough to work on that it will occupy your mind, but not critical enough that if you wander a little it will cause problems. I'll bring you lunch and eat with you this afternoon, and then you'll go meet with Kate before coming home tonight."

John got another nod in response. "Okay."

John pulled him close, kissing Rodney deeply. "It'll be okay, Rodney. I promise. We will fix this."

"I’m just…tired of all of this."

"I know. But it will get better now. We'll figure it out. Together."

Rodney nodded, tightening his arms around John's waist, holding him close.

Taking a deep breath, John thanked whatever deities might be listening that he had gotten his own shit together. He had a feeling the next few weeks were going to be very, very interesting.

***

The End


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